Unstuck: The Lonely Place | Part 4

Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast.

We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for tuning in.

In 1944, there was a research study, experiment done on babies, about 40, it was 40 babies to be exact.

20 was a control group where they were in a nurturing, normal, loving home.

20 and they were in another environment, and the goal was can babies really throw grow and thrive just by having their physical needs met, but no physical touch or affection.

And so these 20 babies were in the care of these nurses.

They fed them, they changed them, but they were instructed carefully not to talk to them, make eye contact to touch them.

Tragically, they had to cut the study short.

Four months out of the 20 babies, half died, and two later died.

What happened as the babies would start to be non-responsive, stop talking, eye contact, and then they passed away, though physically healthy.

Hardwired into your DNA and mine is we are created as relational beings because we're made in the image of a relational God.

We need each other.

Today we have what's known and been called actually by the Surgeon General an epidemic of loneliness and isolation.

One in four adults reports that they're deeply lonely.

One in ten would say they do not have a single close friend.

Forty-six percent of adults today say it's incredibly difficult to make new friends.

And as we wrestle with being stuck and how to get unstuck.

Why is it, just think about this, why is it that we live in one of the most socially connected times of all history, and yet people are more alone than ever?

Why do we feel so alone in such a socially connected world?

We have access to anyone at any time, anywhere, and yet the pervading sense of our culture is I'm just lonely.

Just lonely.

Feel disconnected.

And how do we experience deep, meaningful, life-giving friendships in the digital age?

What I want to do with our time is I I want to take us on kind of kind of four big movements today.

One is just talking about technology and relationships, and then actually unpacking the different types of relationships that we have, uh, helping us then unpack four character traits or qualities of a very good friend, and then let's just have some application at the end, okay?

Does that sound good?

Uh and when we're talking about technology and relationships, here's what I want to say is I'm not down on technology, I'm not anti-tech.

I love it.

I have an iPhone in my pocket right here, I have an iWatch, I love what it does.

My daughter, like you hear all the time, is in college, and I'm like, I can FaceTime her.

I love that I get to see what she's doing.

It's amazing.

So there's incredible advantages, and we all get that.

But let's just talk about the technological impact of the digital age in our relationships.

Like, how has it affected us that we now have are more connected and yet absolutely disconnected as a people?

The sermon title today is The Lonely Place.

Would you go ahead and say to your neighbor, the lonely place?

And that was mean.

They're not the lonely place.

Don't do that to them.

They're not, no, I'm just kidding.

Sorry.

The lonely place, the digital age, uh, or as better probably the unsocial network as we're coming to find.

We can stay connected with people, up to date on people's lives, all that's happening, and here's a few impacts that we're seeing.

Is one, we can actually confuse information with intimacy today, right?

We confuse that because we know more about people, we've access to more, we get to see more, and yet we actually don't really know people.

There's a big difference between knowing you, knowing your heart, and seeing your post online.

And it's so easy to confuse information with intimacy and feel like that is a substitute.

Uh, second thing is we've traded being present with being preoccupied, haven't we?

The great um distraction right here that we all have and we're all susceptible to.

Isn't it funny?

By the way, parents will be on blast real quick.

Isn't it funny, parents, how we can just like talk to our kids like you need to get off your phone while we're like scrolling our phone, you know?

Like there's just we are preoccupied more than ever.

We have more distractions than ever.

We we're constantly grabbing and scrolling, and we miss out on being present.

You ever see uh really anyone today out to eat?

Right?

And you just see a bunch of phones out.

Or you're in the middle of a conversation and someone just grabs their phone.

Like we just have this.

We've traded being present and attentive or being preoccupied.

We compare, this is really big, we compare our real life uh to everyone else's highlighted reels, don't we?

So the the age of authenticity of who I really am, it has died in the span of comparison, in the space of comparison.

Like I look at everyone else's filtered highlight reel, and then I can begin to compare my real life and feel less than.

Of course, I won't really show who I am because my gosh, look at the life you're living.

And then we live for likes.

We live for likes instead of from love.

We live for approval.

Um, when my wife and I got married, it was 21 years ago.

Um there was no Instagram, there was no Pinterest, there was no um social media, there were no smartphones, there's there were smarter people, uh, dumber phones.

Sorry, that's not nice.

Um but here's the thing, when we got married, we had no idea about like what weddings really were.

Some of you remember this.

Uh, because when you like at that point, we'd been to three, maybe four weddings total.

Nowadays, you get and it's a blessing, you get to see Pinterest, everything, but now you're like, you have this pressure, don't you?

Like to have the picture perfect wedding.

Is it, you know, Pinterest worthy?

Is it Instagram worthy?

We feel this pressure.

I had a friend, she was in New York, and everybody knew she was in New York and she was super tired, but didn't felt the pressure to like, you know, show that she was living her best life.

And you know what she did?

Um, she got all dressed up, makeup, everything, went down to the lobby, took pictures like she was going out on the town, posted them, and went up to bed.

Because there's just something about this innate pressure that we feel, and it's robbing and it's eroding our relationships, our friendships, our ability to be present, to be authentic, and it and our identity is now in what we post instead of who we are.

Um, John S.

Lynch has this quote, it's just powerful.

What if there's a place so safe that the worst of me could be known?

And I'd be I would discover that I would not be loved less, but more in the telling of it.

What if there's a place, think about this not where you present the best of you and people go, now you're accepted, but where the worst of you could be known.

And you would be loved more than not less.

Isn't that the longing of our heart?

I mean, it's the reason we cover up, the reason we hide, the reason we uh really never present who we really are, because we're afraid that if we do, you wouldn't really love me, you wouldn't really like me, you wouldn't really accept me, and then that translates into our relationship with God as we believe the same thing about Him.

What if there was a place where you could crack open your heart, your soul, and you love, you're accepted.

Proverbs 17, 7 says, A friend loves at all times.

And a brother is born for the birthday.

Like hardwired into who you are is that relational fabric.

We need one another, and God has designed friendship.

Friendship to be this place and where you can be fully known and know someone fully and be loved and grow together.

Friend loves at all times.

In fact, that's our memory verse for this week.

And I got you got your three by five card there.

Why don't you go ahead and grab it?

Yes, I'm old school, and uh write it down.

We're doing a memory verse every single week.

And write it down.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother or sister is born for a time of adversity.

Nobody can survive on their own.

We need one another.

And so, with the remainder of our time, I want to talk about the different types of relationships and actually some traits of what a really good friend looks like.

Because not all friendships are created equal, and we get this, and we know that actually some of the reason why we struggle with friendships or isolation or loneliness is because some of us, many of us, most of us, maybe all of us, we've been burned, haven't we?

We've been burned, and it hurts.

And we swore we'd never be hurt again.

And so then we closed ourselves off to eke out an existence that is not really living.

Uh, John Townsend, Dr.

John Townsend, he wrote a book called People Fuel.

In it, he talks about the seas of relationships.

He gives seven types of relationships that we have, and it begins with the relationships that are gains in our life, and then walks down to the relationships that are drains in our life.

Uh, and the gains obviously are areas that are life-giving, soul-shaping, refreshing.

The gains, by the way, are the people that when you see their name across your phone, you pick up, you're excited to pick up.

The drains are the people when you see the name, you just hit the side button, right?

You're like, ooh.

They're the EGRs in church world.

Extra grace required, people.

Uh, he begins uh with the the top is coaches.

Coaches are those individuals with whom we engage to mentor, develop, guide, and direct.

We desperately need that.

We need the wisdom of others, we need coaches and mentors.

Second, then our comrades.

This is what I would call good friends, because we don't really use that word comrade.

He's going with the C theme.

I get it.

This is your life team.

He says that we need three to ten individuals who know all about you, accept you fully, but also tell you the truth you need to hear.

Need three to ten, he says.

Coaches, comrades, and then you have casuals.

This is most of our friendships in life.

Those friends and neighbors you have who are just good, positive people.

It's a good hang.

Many of you are gonna hang out with them watching some game that doesn't count for anything this afternoon because the cowboys aren't in it.

Um but they're your casual acquaintances.

Then you have your colleagues.

We spend such a great time working uh with our colleagues, it's important to work with the right people.

And then you have care underneath that.

And those are individuals who are without something they need with which you uh have the capacity to supply them.

And here's what's even as we get just this list right here, I want you to see we need we need all of these.

And one of the great questions we need to ask, actually, Jenny Allen asked this question 11.

Who are the people that I need?

They're the coaches, the comrades.

And then who are the people that need me?

Who are those close good friends that need me, and who are the people that I need to bring care?

That I can bless their life?

That they have no way of repaying me.

Uh, six, then, are under care are the chronics.

The person, this person has some problems with career or continual problems with career, finances, marriage, parenting, emotional well-being, physical health, making the same mistake over and over with little interest to change.

It's harmless in intent, but harmful in impact.

And it's one of those we just get caught up in a cycle of trying to help, but it does not help.

And then finally, contaminants.

And this is where we talk about toxic people.

We're all imperfect, but contaminants are at another level.

They have bad motives, they tend to be envious and desire to divide and to damage, often with passive, aggressive, guilt, shame, language.

Um, we all desperately need relationships.

And here, I want you to grab this you have a Lego piece.

Just go ahead and grab it.

I want you to take it home.

One of the things that I just want you to realize is whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, we all have spaces that need deep, meaningful connections in our life.

Now, you may be like, yeah, but I'm but I'm a two-space person.

I get it.

I can only handle two space.

I'm fairly introverted myself.

I get that.

You're like, Ryan, I'm a four-space person.

Some of you like, you're like, no, I'm, you know, I'm a what Townsend would tell us is that we all need those three to ten people in our lives to be connected to.

Now, um, what's interesting is it's not the number of people around you that determines your loneliness, it's your relationship to them.

See, I think many of us, woo-hoo, there we go.

I think many of us like like we get this connection, but we're we're surrounded by a bunch of casual friends, right?

But there's no one actually connected to us.

And so you feel alone.

And you have acquaintances at work and you talk and you're smiling.

You might even be so extroverted, but you feel so alone.

And some of us, honestly, you have contaminants.

I'll use red for that.

But you don't have any other life givings, and you need to set some boundaries, obviously, with contaminants.

You can read the book and figure out how.

Uh, but but you have this, and it's just a drain, or maybe not contaminants, maybe it's just the chronics, right?

Or maybe the chronics and the care.

And it's like, well, Ryan, you just uh you just talked about my family.

Uh, you know, and like like you, you no wonder you don't want to lean into relationships and friendships.

You've just been, it's just a drain on you.

And begin to look at and realize, you know what, I need a few life-giving, soul-shaping friends.

That I can know them, that they can know me.

That's how we're designed.

That's how we're created.

Like some of us who are single, we're looking for your person to complete you.

And by the way, those who married realize you can put far too much on a person.

We need these deep friendships.

It's how God created us.

And the principle here, then, is to have good friends, you need to be a good friend.

To have good friends, you need to be a good friend.

It's what your mama told you in elementary school.

Right?

Well, honey, if you want to have good friends, you gotta be a good friend.

And we get it uh in elementary school, but somewhere along the way, we forget some of these basic truths.

And we begin to live out a self-fulfilling prophecy, don't we?

Because teachers know this all the time.

They see this in the kids.

They see the one kid that has no friends that sits in the corner, that mopes and pouts, and nobody wants to be my friend, you know.

And then you know, kids come and try to talk to them, they're like, No, I don't really want to, you know, and because it and then you you're gonna you're going, like, actually, you're just miserable to be around.

You're not putting any effort, you're not a good friend.

You're so focused on yourself, and you're believing like nobody likes me, nobody loves me, I'm gonna go eat worms.

And then you just like are hanging out, right?

And you're caught in a cycle.

To have good friends.

We've got to be a good friend.

So let's look at four traits of a good friend.

Uh, the first trait of a good friend, a comrade, as Dr.

Townsend would say, is they have a rugged commitment to one another.

A rugged commitment to one another.

Uh, Proverbs 18, 24 says, One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Yesterday, Jenny and I were talking, and I was like, asking her, like, what are the friends songs?

What are the songs about friends?

You know, uh immediately came to mind this little date me in the Christian world, like friends are friends forever.

You know that, Michael W.

Smith, some of you know that.

Um Jenny came, like the iconic Dion Warwick.

Uh, that's what friends are for.

Uh Bruno Mars, you can count on me, right?

You can count on me.

One, two, three, I'll be there.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or lean on me, Bill Withers.

Oh, there you go.

I got some friends there.

Lean on me, come on.

When you're not strong, I'll be your friend.

I'll help you carry on for it won't be long.

I'm gonna need somebody to leave.

I might have a problem that you understand.

We all need somebody to leave.

This side's better than this side, by the way.

You didn't know the words after it.

I give you a compliment.

You did well, you did well.

You know what's so interesting is all the songs talk about this friendship that has a rugged commitment to one another.

That's not a fair weathered friend that you can count on in good times and bad times, that shows up, that shows up in the middle of your mess, that answers the call at the middle of the night, that has a rugged commitment.

And by the way, antithetical to deep and good friendships is the doctrine of rugged individualism that we hold in our society, that it's all about me, it's all for me.

I can build myself up by myself, and I don't need anyone, and it couldn't be further from the truth, and we are suffering for it.

In fact, did you know that when the uh Surgeon General came out uh with the stats that we're an epidemic of loneliness and isolation, uh, she, Dr.

Vivek Murphy said there's an increased risk of heart disease, 29% increased risk of heart disease, increased risk of stroke, 32%, 50% increased risk.

Of dementia and 60% increased risk of premature death.

Get rid of the rugged individual.

It's a lie.

Rugged commitment.

Rugged commitment.

We need those friends.

Secondly, a willingness to sacrifice for another.

A willingness to sacrifice.

Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family.

Do not go to your relative's house when disaster strikes.

Better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.

A willingness to sacrifice.

A good friend isn't stingy with time, resources, and energy.

There's a genuine willingness to put someone else's interest in front of their own.

Rugged commitment, willingness to sacrifice, a loyal defender before others.

I'd encourage you this week, just type in the word at Bible Gateway, gossip.

And just look at how much the Bible speaks about gossip, especially the Proverbs.

Gossip destroys relationships.

And one of the Proverbs says that like gossip is a juicy morsel that goes down.

Like there's something in our beings that we're like, ooh, I love that.

And there's something when somebody begins to share it with us that we feel like, ooh, I'm on the end.

Proverbs 11, 13 says a gossip betrays confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.

And and let's just be real, we don't think about it.

If someone's telling you something juicy behind someone else's back, chances are when you're not around, they're talking about you too.

And have you ever been in a place where someone was talking negatively about a friend and you didn't speak up?

I've done that.

See, a loyal defender.

And you're going to talk about my friend.

I'm going to stand up for you in your presence and when you're not around.

Fourth and finally, an ongoing source of encouragement.

Proverbs 27, 9 says, perfume and incest bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

The pleasantness of a friend from their heartfelt advice.

Ongoing encouragement.

It's not just saying good or nice things.

Encouragement involves communicating to someone with love what they need to hear when they need to hear it, even if it's not what they want to hear.

Encouragement is both positive and corrective.

It's truth with love.

It's what they need to hear when they need to hear it, even when they don't really want to hear it.

I remember in high school, I finally had like a good friend.

His name's Luke Syers.

It was my best friend.

And funny about is when we started in high school, we hated each other and then we became best friends.

And sometimes we discount God's actual answer to our prayer for a friend because we don't like that person.

And he's like, actually, that's the person.

Some of you needed that.

Okay.

And I remember we both were dating these girls that just kept stringing us along.

And we'd finally go, like, oh, we're done with it.

And then they would like go, oh, and then we'd run back, you know, just dumb teenage boys.

What would yeah, anyways.

And I remember we made up this line, like, uh, stop running into the glass wall, because that's what it felt like, is like the kid that runs into the glass slider and is like, you do it once, we're like, awesome, you do it like five times, you're an idiot, right?

And so we're those we're just kept running boom.

And then I remember like Luke and I were like, we we just gotta tell each other and we gotta listen to each other.

Stop running into the glass wall, and we need friends.

When we're heading down the path that is not good and that's not gonna help us out, that I'm actually in love.

Speak up.

It is not a friend, by the way, that just lets you go down the path.

And some of you have discounted your friends, and you've left some of them because they said some truths, and later down the road you hit the hard stuff.

And they were more of a friend than the person that just sat by silently.

Good friend is an ongoing source of encouragement.

And by the way, this is the foundation of a great marriage relationship as well.

We always start with attraction in our culture.

Friendship is the foundation of every great relationship.

Alright, so what do we do with this?

Let me give just a little bit of application.

First, would you choose quality over quantity?

Would you choose quality over quantity?

The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

The righteous what?

Choose their friends.

It's okay to choose your friends.

It's Christian to choose your friends.

You know, the Apostle Paul would say bad company corrupts good character.

Like choose your friends wisely.

Go for quality.

You know what?

I'm gonna have a lot of casuals right here.

But man, if I can get two, two comrades, two good friends, if I can get one, hey, let's just pray for one right now, Ryan.

Because two's that would be amazing, but I just need one.

And you know, uh, Dr.

Townsend would say one of the best ways to kind of move, find a comrade and is to go to your group of casuals and just begin to take some of that next steps with one of two people.

Just ask them a question, go a little bit deeper, share a little bit more, and you're gonna see how they respond and whether that's gonna be a good friendship or not.

It's almost like we have to return to what you know five-year-olds do at the playground.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Try it.

You know how vulnerable that is and how amazing it feels if somebody actually wants to be your friend?

We'd be like, oh my gosh, wow, you want to be my friend?

Choose quality over quantity.

Secondly, it takes time and intentionality.

Proverbs 20, verse 5 says, the purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.

Proverbs 20:5

Like to get to that safe place where you can share your heart, and there's a sense of acceptance and love that you're not gonna be pushed away.

That takes time and intentionality.

And we live in such a not only fast-paced, like instant culture, that also is so transient to realize you move to an area, it generally takes 18 months to two years to begin to develop significant friendships that are moving from that casual to potentially that comrade or good friend stage.

So, how do we do that?

One, what we need to do in our day and age is we need to create margin.

We gotta create, we you gotta create margin.

Friendships happen in the margin of life.

And I I I this is an area that is always a goal at the beginning of the year.

I'm like, I want to create more time for good friends, and then you know what happens?

Life.

Life does work, kid schedules, sports.

We just uh last night we drove over the hill, it was uh my birthday was last week, and so we're hanging with our Santa Cruz friends.

We have Santa Cruz friends and San Jose friends, Santa Cruz friends we've known for 30 plus years, uh, and like talk about comrades gone through life.

And then we have San Jose friends in a similar camp, but we went over to San Jose, saw them, and it just was like I drove back, I'm like, why don't we do this more?

Because it takes margin.

You actually gotta put it on the calendar.

I know that sounds weird.

You gotta you gotta plan it out, schedule it out, and make it a priority.

We make work a priority, we gotta make this a priority.

Second, ask questions.

Good friends ask questions.

I can't tell you how many times I've had conversations and somebody's never asked a question.

Like, if you wanna be a good friend, if you want to have good friends, notice the questions they're asking you and begin to ask really good questions.

I learned this from my wife.

She's a great question asker.

Like, how are you really?

Is there anything bugging you?

What's going on?

By the way, if you ask, like, what are you excited about?

Secure people celebrate other successes.

Good friends, celebrate other successes, insecure people criticize other people's successes.

And where you just go like, man, that's awesome! I'm so excited for you.

And then just finally be present.

Where we get the great distraction out of the way, there's nothing more powerful than just giving someone our attention.

It's the one of the most valuable things we have is our attention.

It's the currency of a relationship.

The only problem with attention, unlike our money, is the minute it's divided, it loses its value.

Where we're just present with people.

Choose quality over quantity.

It takes time.

Have to be intentional.

And this is where we'll pick up next week.

Conflict is an opportunity to grow.

Conflict is an opportunity to grow.

And we're going to talk next week all about conflict, how to resolve it, how to begin to um lean in.

And here's what we do is uh actually uh Proverbs 27, 17 says, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

That'll be our memory verse next week.

But what we've done in our culture is we don't see conflict as an opportunity to grow, we see conflict as an opportunity to go.

And we've lost lots of really good people and lots of really good friendships because we don't know how to lean in.

Maybe we're conflict avoidance, or we see it as if there is any conflict we grew up in home, it's all bad.

But conflict is actually an opportunity to grow deeper.

We'll talk about how to do that as we close today.

Get your Glego piece.

To have good friends, you gotta be a good friend.

Why don't you just think about your connections?

Who's connected to you?

Who do you need?

And who needs you?

You know, one of the incredible realities about Jesus is that he said something that was unbelievable.

He said, Today I call you friend.

Like you may have walked in and you're like, I don't have a friend in the world.

There's not a connection on here.

I can't tell you anything.

And Jesus says, You got one.

You got one.

You are not walking out of here lonely, you're not walking out of here friendless, you're not walking out of here with no one because you got one today.

I call you friend.

God's been a God of relationship ever since the garden.

The reason we hide, like in the garden, we hide because we feel shame.

We feel that we are bad.

And what I love is do you know God's first response to Adam and Eve as they were hiding in the garden after they sinned, after they did exactly the opposite of what God asked them to do?

The first question, the first word spoken by their creator, by our creator, was not what did you do?

That's shame.

The very first word spoken by our God.

Where are you?

It's relationship.

Where are you?

We were walking together in the cool of the day.

We were created for friendship.

I made you for relationship.

And you know, you know.

Some of us have been hiding.

We've been hiding.

Thinking somehow.

Like I just gotta fix my life up.

And then maybe God will stop me.

He says, today I call you friend.

Come out of hiding.

What if there was a place so safe that the worst of me could be known?

And I discovered that I would not be loved any less, but more in the telling of it.

What if repentance wasn't a promise from you to God, but a gift from God to you?

You see, grace is the face love wears when it meets imperfection.

And I just want to give you a moment.

The band's gonna come on up.

I'm gonna lead us.

Come out of hiding.

Come out of hiding.

Whatever conversation you need to have, whatever things you've been holding back, whatever fears that have been keeping you away, your heavenly father says, I love you.

Where are you?

I want to be with you.

I created you for this.

Jesus, thank you for my friends.

Thank you for your grace and your friendship.

And God, would you lead us to the place where we actually trust and believe your heart of tender kindness and love.

Come out of hiding.

Come out of hiding.

We hope you are blessed by this message.

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