Four Essentials for a Flourishing Family

Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast.

We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for tuning in.

Awakening.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you guys so much for meeting and greeting and seeing one another and chatting.

I do love that about our church.

You might be wondering, why is Brian still on stage?

He doesn't preach, he does not teach.

Um, why is he still here?

Well, I have the pleasure of introducing our guest speaker for the day.

Uh so Brooke and Elizabeth Mosser have been in the ministry together for nearly 20 years.

Uh, Brooke serves as the president and Elizabeth as the vice president of Intentional.

That is a nonprofit that helps families follow Jesus in everyday life.

They host the Intentional Parents Podcast, sharing honest stories and practical wisdom from raising their four kids, ages 16 to 7, one of whom is here with us.

Brooke also hosts the Intentional Fatherhood Podcast with Justin Early, and he's the author of Sowing a Hidden Seed, a daily prayer devotional for parents.

They speak around the world on spiritual formation in the family.

Unfortunately, Elizabeth is homesick today with their girls.

Uh, they got a nasty case of the flu going around, so please uh think about her and remember her in your prayers today.

Uh so Brooke is uh here by himself with his oldest son, Duke.

Uh so please welcome Brooke.

Give him an amazing awakening welcome.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, sir.

So the first service, he accidentally said 17 down to six, and my son bet me five dollars that he would say it again, and you said it the right way and made me five dollars more wealthy.

Thank you.

I don't know how you feel about gambling, but that's what's happening.

Um good to see you all this morning.

My name's Brooke.

Uh, we're actually from Bend Oregon.

Uh primarily Portland is where we have spent most of our time in Los Angeles, but we live in Bend, Oregon now.

If you've heard of that place, it's a fun spot.

Um, and I'm honored to be here.

Elizabeth is so sad to not be here with you, and she just sends her love and says, please just know that she'll be back soon.

So um, we are excited to get into this last uh week of the series that you've been in called The Dysfunctional Family of God.

And I just want to start with a story.

Any story people, anybody?

One person.

This is gonna be a long morning if we're gonna do this, okay?

Any story people, one more time, I'll give you one more opportunity.

Great, you love stories.

Good.

Me too.

Um I'll never forget the time I had a dysfunctional travel situation, which honestly gave me more insights in my family dynamic than anything else.

Uh, I was flying to Michigan for a speaking engagement, and man, I was prayed up, I was ready, I was excited to see what the spirit might do.

And for the weekend ahead, I was just very positive.

Where are my positive people at?

Obnoxiously positive.

There you are.

Just like this is going well.

I'm gonna make sure, I'm gonna force this to go well.

I just had the best attitude, I was ready to go.

So I get on the plane, things are going well, and it's in that awkward moment of the flight when it's like, I know it's gonna land soon, and they're gonna say you can't use the bathroom.

And I'm just right on that edge where I'm like, I don't want to get, I don't want to have to go to the bathroom, but not be able to go.

So I just decide I get up, I'm standing in line, and a lot of people decided to do the same thing.

So I'm in a queue of people, a guy comes behind me, and all of a sudden, as I'm standing there minding my own business, I just feel this like body like fall on me, and I'm like, what is going on?

So I turn around, and the guy behind me is just slowly passing out and he's falling on me.

So I just turn around and grab him and just go down to the ground, and I'm holding this 50-year-old man who I've never known in my arms, and he comes to and he looks back, he's like, hi.

And I was like, hey, buddy, like I don't, I'm sorry, like I you fell on me.

I don't know.

So I said, Is there a doctor?

And the gal sitting right next to him said, I'm a doctor.

Turns out he just had low blood sugar.

He was okay.

That was fine.

I was like, this is great.

I have a good story to tell my wife when I land.

I have a great, this is great content in the communication space.

I love it, I'll share it, right?

So I do the weekend, it was a great spirit-filled weekend.

We end up going uh back.

I'm I was by myself, so I'm I head back to the airport.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted after a weekend, but but honestly, still very positive.

Again, we're my positive people.

Yes.

I was very positive.

And I get to the gate, the gate agent, very sweet gal, trying to be sweet, just basically comes on and says, uh, hey, just want to let you know that we can't find one of the flight attendants for the flight.

Turns out she's checked into the airport, she's just not at the gate, and we can't find her.

I didn't know this could happen.

Did anyone know this could happen?

Turns out you can't get on the flight until they're all accounted for and they're all on the flight.

So she said, just hang tight, it'll be brief, we'll find her.

An hour goes by, two hours go by, and I'm losing some of my positivity at this point.

Three hours go by, and they finally find this gal.

I don't know what she was doing, and people like literally booed her when she walked onto the plane.

I was like, you guys, she's gonna like be serving you food.

She are you kidding?

Anyway, she gets on the plane.

I'm still being positive, thinking there's a good chance I could still make my connecting flight and make it home tonight.

So I get I get on the plane, things are going okay.

There's this family sitting in front of me, very sweet people, but I could see they were having a family moment.

Any dysfunctional family.

Don't raise your hand.

We don't have to raise our hands.

Uh they were having a moment.

There was a 13-year-old son, and the parents were obviously frustrated at the kid, and the kid's getting up, and he gets into the aisle, and I'm like, I'm kind of like reading all the body language, thinking, there's something weird.

So I take out my headphones and I'm listening, and the mom's like, I told you not to eat so much candy, and he's like, Mom! And then he just releases all this stuff out of his mouth onto the floor and throws up everywhere onto the floor.

And I don't know if this is gonna make you queasy or whatever, but like splatter is a word that I would use in this situation as I was sitting right next to him.

I was wearing shorts, I could feel it all.

It was a moment that I was like, I don't even know.

I'm gonna kill this kid.

Like, I don't, I don't, this is terrible.

This is the worst.

Still trying to stay really positive, friends, still trying.

And I'm thinking, this is an even better story, right?

This is even better.

So I have this uh situation I have to get cleaned up from.

It's a whole thing.

We land, I miss my flight by five minutes.

So I have to do that thing that everyone has to do when they miss their flight, and they run to the counter to try to get a hotel and get their flight rebooked.

You know what I'm talking about?

200 people had that decision before me and got in line.

And so I'm standing there thinking, there's no way I'm going anywhere tonight.

So I make the decision, I'm like, I'm gonna beat all this stuff.

I'm gonna, I'm just gonna get a hotel for the night.

I'm not even gonna fight this.

I'll get on another plane, I'll get online, I'll get a ticket for the morning.

So I do that.

I Uber to a hotel and I think, how can I redeem this hard moment?

Anyone ever been there?

Like, this is bad.

How do I positively work through this?

I decided, well, I'll order some dinner because I hadn't had anything that day, so I just decided to, you know, Uber Eats or something.

Um, I'll just get all this stuff that's not mine cleaned off of me, and then I'll just eat a meal, I'll go to bed, we'll be fine, right?

That was my hope.

That was my idea.

I get the text, the wonderful text.

It says, Your food has arrived.

It sends a photo of the food outside my door.

I open my door, there's no food, there's just nothing there.

I was like, this person's a liar.

What is happening?

So I go down to the lobby, and the person said, No, we don't have any food.

So I call the driver and said, Hey, I know you said you delivered my food, but truly there's no food there.

And he's like, Well, I gave you your food.

And I was like, What?

And he said, I walked into the lobby, I saw this girl, I said, Is your name Brooke?

She said yes, and I handed her the food, and that's what's that.

I was like, I'm a man! Like, what do you can you not hear my voice?

I'm not a woman.

What are you talking about?

My parents named me Brooke, and this has been my lot in life this whole time.

Um, but he gives my food away to someone else.

So then I have to make this tragic decision at 12 a.m., 12 35.

What am I gonna do for food?

I have no car, uh, and I'm thinking the only thing that's walkable is Taco Bell.

Taco Bell at one in the morning.

So I find myself in Seattle, 12 45 at night, walking to a Taco Bell.

Once I get there, they're they close the the door and they're saying, You can't come in, we're closing up.

And I was like, please, I need food.

I can't, if I could tell you the day I've had, and he said, No, you can't you can't actually come in, but what you can do is go through the drive-thru.

I said, I don't have a car.

And he said, You can just walk.

So all of a sudden I proceed behind the car, and I'm standing there as a human, and there's a car behind me.

You get the picture.

It was a very awkward, uncomfortable moment, the whole time just like waving.

Hey, sorry, I know your headlights are right on my backside, just like I gotta, uh, whatever.

I order the food, and then they ask me to stand on the other side of the uh window where you get your food.

And I'm standing there in that moment thinking, what have I what have I done?

What is my life?

How have I gotten to this place in life that I'm standing in a talk about desperate outside?

I mean, people are driving by, like, is he houseless?

Is he gonna kill me?

Like, why is that guy standing there so awkwardly?

This was my life, and this was honestly one of the best visuals I had into family dynamics in a long, long time.

And dysfunctional family, because man, how many moments are we like that?

We're frustrated, we're inconvenienced, people are, you know, releasing fluid on you, anger, uh, someone's stealing your food.

There's a person that's always going to Taco Bell at 1 a.m., you know who you are.

Uh, your family can just be really interesting.

But I want to highlight today that God doesn't avoid dysfunctional families, he actually builds his kingdoms through them.

If you're an amen church, that's what you say.

All right.

He builds his kingdom through them.

Amen.

Oh, this is gonna be a long morning again.

So if you're here and your family is a little messy, I just want to say you're in really good company.

Mine is too.

And today we're gonna talk about how Jesus meets you right there and he actually helps you break those cycles and build something new and become people of healing in God's family.

As I said, you're wrapping up a series called The Dysfunctional Family of God.

And when Ryan kicked off the series, he asked a very important question.

And if you don't remember it or you weren't here to hear that question, let me just remind you what it was.

He asked this important question: How do we break free from patterns and cycles of dysfunction in our families and really in our own lives?

So, how do we actually break free?

And truly, that is a brave and needed question.

But I I kind of don't think it's the only problem.

Because to add to the complexity of that question, as believers, we are called a family, and that means that not only do you have your own family of origin, you have your own dysfunction, I mean the family of God has its own as well.

So, what I hope to do today is ground our time, Galatians chapter six.

The whole chapter actually focuses on those in the family of faith, but I just want to highlight one verse that gives us hope that the power of the Spirit can give us something new and fresh to be able to live in to this beautiful dynamic of having beautiful, healthy relationships.

Not perfect, but better than they are now.

Galatians 6 10 says this therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially those who belong to the family of believers.

As we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those in the dysfunctional family of God.

It's a beautiful call, and it's beautiful in theory, but man, that is hard to live out in everyday reality when you have certain dynamics.

So, how?

How do we do this?

Uh recently I was spending time with a guy named Mark Batterson, he's an author and a pastor, and he's just really good at making complex things very simple.

He's a master of one-liners.

We're having lunch, and he just had something slip out of his mouth, and I immediately had my note app.

I'm like taking this note.

I was like, that's so helpful.

And he simply said this.

He said, Brooke, often we ask God to do supernatural things, but you have to remember it's God's job to do the super, but it's our job to do the natural.

It's a partnership, it's truly important.

Yes, I would say, arguably, in my family, and this is the place I experience it the most, I need God's supernatural help.

I need that in my closest relationships.

I feel the need for the power of the Spirit.

So, a question for all of us today: how do we actually create a space where our families can go from dysfunction to a better resemblance of health in some way?

How can God's grace and his mercy uh help grow and guide our closest relationships?

What I want to do today is highlight four things that God invites us into for healthy, flourishing relationships.

This is for your family, this is for your friends, if you have roommates, this is for your roommates, this is for you if you're a child and you have uh if you're an adult and you have uh parents, or if you're a child and you have parents, this is for every single relationship to flourish and grow.

And we have to highlight that what is needed in relationships right now versus other times is different.

And so, what I want to talk about is four essentials for a flourishing family.

What are the things that we can partner with the Spirit in to redeem those broken cycles in our family?

And for that to happen, and where I want to follow for the rest of the time is these four things.

Uh, we want to talk about your work.

Your family's gonna need your forgiveness, your family's gonna need your attention, and your family is gonna need your blessing.

So we're gonna work through these four for the rest of our time.

So, first your work.

Uh, when I say work, I'm not talking about your literal work, but rather your inner work, your apprenticeship to Jesus, becoming more like him.

It's the healing of what some authors call your shadow side, that part of you that has specific bents towards sin.

You know what they are, and if you don't know, just ask your friend or your spouse, they'll tell you pretty quick.

They are the parts of you that you don't really love and they affect people and actually bother them a lot more than we want them to.

I'm also talking about your wounds from your family of origin.

These are the things that uh all of a sudden we overact or overreact in some moments, or we withdraw when these parts are poked.

Now, if you are a parent in the room and if you've been a parent for a while, you can attest to the fact that parenting brings up your wounds.

Parents, can we agree with this?

It brings up those wounds.

The areas that you weren't parented well, or maybe the people that hurt you, maybe the ways that you've coped, our tendency towards sin.

Now, I often feel like Paul, I think Paul said it the best in Romans 7.

He just simply had this great verse.

I do not understand what I do.

For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate to do.

There's a lot of times when I want to do the right thing, but there's so much seemingly working against me, so much dysfunction in my own story, in my own life, that I end up doing what I hate to do.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

And we can know, and it can't be stated enough, that Jesus is involved in this process and he wants to transform you.

And truly, friends, that is such a much more compelling faith than a list of rules and reasons to do and not do something.

Jesus is a relational character in our story.

He's a God who loves and cares in deep ways.

Now, for some of you, if you're being honest, um, it's hard to talk about your own anger.

It's hard to talk about your doubt, it's hard to talk about your fear or your apathy.

And it might be even hard to talk about how Jesus is revealing himself to you, but your closest relationships need you to talk about those things.

Need you to open up and be honest.

Because, friends, we all experience that.

But if we don't do the work, we will never be able to experience some of this beauty that Jesus invites us into.

Jesus is slowly changing us.

Uh, Paul Tripp said this of parenting specifically.

If you are a parent, parenting doesn't make you holy, but it shows you how much you need to be made holy.

I so agree.

Really close relationships with those you love most will bring up every unresolved issue in your soul.

And it's not to shame you.

Like if you feel like those people closest to you are bringing up this stuff in you, it's not to shame you, it's actually to heal you.

It's an invitation from the Spirit.

Revelation 3.20, just a great example of exactly what we're talking about.

It says this, God speaking here.

Here I am, I stand at the door, and what happens?

I'm knocking.

If anyone hears my voice, opens the door, I'm gonna come and eat with that person and they with me.

The work that we're all invited into is just that.

It's an invitation from God to go on the deeper journey.

God doesn't force us to heal, but he partners with us.

Now, one more time to the parents in the room.

Uh the Swiss psychologist and psychiatrist Carl Jung said that the greatest enemy to a child is the unlived life of the parent.

I'm gonna say that one more time.

The greatest enemy to a child is the unlived life of the parent.

What you choose to ignore, sweep under the rug, and run from can become your child's greatest enemy.

And this act absolutely includes those of us who have adult children in the room.

And this concept is all over the scripture.

If you're here and you're like, hey, listen, I'm who I am.

I don't really need to know about all this stuff, all this emotional mumbo jumbo.

This isn't even biblical.

I just want to say you're dead wrong.

It's all over the scripture that we actually need to know what's going on inside of us.

God guides us in this.

Let me just give you three quick verses for highlighting.

2 Corinthians 13, 5.

It says this test yourself to see if you are in faith.

In literally two words, very simple.

Examine yourself.

It's your job to examine what's going on.

Uh Lamentations 3.

Let's take a good look at the way we're living and reorder our lives under the way of God.

That's that idea that you're how are you thinking?

What are you watching?

What are you intaking?

How are you speaking?

Lastly, and I love this in the amplified version, but each one of us must carefully scrutinize his or her own works.

And that literally means this examining your actions, your attitudes, and your behaviors.

These three things that we are actually responsible before God to say, what are my actions and how are my actions impacting those closest to me?

How are my attitudes impacting them?

Some of you are in this room and your issue isn't any of the other things, but attitude.

Right?

Like we have our behaviors, we have our things to cope.

Now for a personal story.

Again, where are my story people at?

You're there.

Thank you.

Thank you for your engagement.

Um, personally, I fall in that ever-growing category of someone who experienced a lot of trauma as a child.

Now, I'm not alone in this room.

There's no way in a room this size that that would be the case.

But I came into adulthood with some serious emotional wounds and limbs.

I didn't know how to be a good husband, let alone an emotionally stable human.

I think it's important to note that I got married at the age of 21 when my prefrontal cortex was not fully cooked, right?

Wasn't there yet.

That's a crazy thing to think about.

The male brain, 26, everyone, that's bizarre.

That's a long time.

To ask my wife to get married, I took her up into a hot air balloon and said, please marry me, or I will jump out.

That's not an exaggeration.

You can ask my son.

It did happen.

He wasn't there, by the way, because we did things in order, right?

Marriage before children.

Anyway, the point is, like, my brain wasn't fully developed.

And I remember one day I was talking, which is code for arguing with Elizabeth, and I was recognizing that I wasn't just gonna change.

Like this stuff wasn't just gonna zap away.

The way I processed the world, understood God, and all my relationships had serious fractures, and I was being given pretty consistent feedback that who I was needed to be different.

So, with a lot of insecurity and fear and humiliation at first, I actually started to see a therapist.

And I'll never forget my first session.

I walk into a very small Portland brick office, and I go and I sit in this chair, and it looked like this chair had been there forever, and that a million people had sat in this chair.

It looked like a disease chair, and he's like, please sit.

And I'm like, this is not inviting.

And I just sit down, I'm like, oh, just you know, and he he skips all the niceties because he had my paperwork, he already knew my name, and he just simply said, So what's going on?

Now I have no idea what happened and what unlocked in my soul in those five words when he said, What's going on?

But I started to proceed to tell everything of my whole life, every bad, crazy, good, hard thing ever in my entire life.

I shared everything with this man for 55 minutes of the hour-long session.

And what was so bizarre to me was the whole time he listened intently.

And at the end, I said, Well, I should probably stop talking now.

And he just kind of looks down and he's quiet.

And I was like, Oh no, I broke my therapist.

Like, like I knew it was bad, but dude, give me some feedback.

This thing's real bad.

And he just looked up almost with a tear in his eye, and he just said, I can't believe what you've gone through.

I can't believe you're standing after all that.

I can't believe you're doing as well as you are.

And it was the first time for me that I'd been so listened to and felt such empathy and understanding towards the pain and the trauma that I experienced.

I don't believe he said more than 50 words that morning, but I gotta tell you, it was enough for me to go week after week after week and to do the work.

And I was committed to show up and do the work.

And we always joke, because a handful of people in our family see this man, and we always joke like he's a mixture of Jesus, Mr.

Rogers, and Yoda.

And he really is.

And he's like 75, he looks like Mr.

Rogers, he's a great dude.

And for me, therapy was one of the many things that I had to start doing with the Holy Spirit and unraveling the knots in my soul.

And it was a partnership.

The Holy Spirit used this man to help me see life as it really was.

And and I've learned that I need other people in my life to help me see things clear clearly.

Just like when you go to the optometrist, right?

And you're sitting there and they're just lens after lens after lens.

They keep putting those lenses in front of you until it becomes clear.

Do that for you.

They help you with the power of the Spirit.

And friends, we can't heal what we can't see.

If you don't think it's a problem, you're not going to pray for a problem that you don't think you have.

We need to know that actually how we're moving through the world is not helpful if it isn't, in fact.

And it's our first step to healing is seeing.

And if and if you don't believe me, we're almost done with this point, but think of the alternative.

If you don't do this work that you're invited into, you may never experience the freedom that Jesus offers.

And because you cannot pass on what you do not possess, we are at risk of never being able to give the same gift to those people you love the most.

If you don't do the work, you won't be able to see the powerful healing that Jesus invites us to.

Dr.

Charlie Self was here a few weeks ago.

He said, God is not in the self-improvement business.

He is in the recreation business.

Yes and amen.

He absolutely is.

So wherever you're at on your healing journey, I want you to invite the Holy Spirit to be like a flashlight in the cave of your soul and just ask, what needs highlighting?

You know, in a cave, you've ever been in a cave?

Any cave culture people?

Yeah, I've been in one.

Terrifying, by the way, FYI, but so dark.

And you turn a flashlight on, and all of a sudden everything is illuminated and you can see clearly.

It's that drastic.

We want to ask the Holy Spirit to do that in us.

So if I could give you some homework, actually, that's a terrible word.

Many people have a trigger warning around that.

So let's not use the word homework.

I want to give you a practice.

Does that sound okay?

A practice for this week.

Whenever you have a moment to slow down, to quiet, wherever that moment is in the day, in the week for you, I just want to encourage you to pause to carve out just a moment, 10, 15, 20 minutes if possible, and allow yourself to be curious about your own story.

Each of you have a deep story, some of pain, some of blessing, some of beauty, usually all mixed together.

And just bring one question to the Father.

Just simply sit and ask one question.

Where are the areas I need to experience your freedom and your healing?

And that's it.

Open the scriptures.

Let him speak.

I promise you, he's very interested in encouraging you.

The second thing that all of our families need to flourish in this moment in time, especially now, and consistently and continually, is your forgiveness.

Friends, we have got to create an ecosystem of forgiveness in our homes built into the very core of our family system.

Now, let me give you some truth.

You are going to mess up in some way.

Isn't that encouraging?

Your kids are gonna have issues with you.

Did you know that?

You're gonna wound them.

For those of you who have older kids, they're now telling you how you've wounded them.

Raising self-aware kids, friends, not for the feints of heart.

Let me give you an example.

A few years ago, this was years ago now at this point, I walk into my home after work, it's around 5:30, and the house is calm.

That's the first thing.

Like, it's calm.

What happened?

Like, it's never calm.

It was also clean.

Second thing, I was like, did somebody die?

That was my first original thought.

Like, why is this so quiet?

Why is this so clean?

And my older kids, my two older kids, said, Hey Debbie, can we talk to you?

And I was like, Why do I feel like I'm in trouble?

Like, it's like, come sit in the living room.

I was like, okay.

So I come and I sit down in the living room.

And they literally say, they just gave me, oh, this sandwich of pain.

They literally just said, So dad, we know you're working a lot, we know you're overwhelmed, we know you're stressed, but the way you're responding to us because of that is really hurting our feelings, and we'd really appreciate it if you'd stop.

And I was like, What the heck is going on right now?

And in me, the way I was raised, it was like all the things coming up at me were like, I'm the adult, you do not tell me what to do.

I you like all that stuff came up.

And only by the power and the authority of Jesus was I able to not say anything and just go, Oh, okay, yeah, I guess you're right.

I can work on that, just dying inside because it's so hard when people that are close to you are giving you that feedback.

You you are going to wound your kids in some way.

And by you stopping and saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I lost my temper with you, I was angry, I took my anger out on you.

Would you please forgive me?

These types of things can literally change our world and change those closest to us.

And I have to highlight, there is so much beauty when we teach our families and really actually walk into this kind of humility and honesty in our homes, it really does cure so much dysfunction.

Uh, Colossians 3.13, if you haven't heard it, I'll just read part of it for you really quickly.

It just says, tolerate the weakness of those who are in the family of faith, forgiving one another in the same way you've been forgiven.

There's a beautiful phrase that therapists and psychologists use that's actually entirely biblical in all forms, and it's this rupture and repair actually build resilience.

And it's specifically talking about relational resilience.

Because, friends, we have ruptures on a daily basis in our relationships, sometimes hourly in my situation, but when we're willing to make those quick repairs, we actually cultivate relational resilience in our homes.

And it helps heal some of the dysfunction, not all of it, but a lot.

So the next question becomes how do we do it?

How do we actually become those people who repair well?

Maybe you are like me and you did not grow up with good models or guides to help you build this type type of culture in your home.

Um, so at the risk of sounding formulaic, I want to highlight just a few steps of what good repair looks like.

Can we do that?

We'll just be very brief.

And because, you know, this is my life and I'm in ministry, they're all alliterated, so I apologize, but you'll easily remember them.

So uh, how can we teach our family, our friends, how can we build this into our home?

Four quick things.

First, good repair has to do with recognizing.

You have to recognize.

This is where we recognize the break in the relationship.

Some of us are just kind of unaware, we're in our own space, and we might just need to even be aware that you actually did something that hurt somebody else.

You have to be aware that there's a rupture.

That's saying things like, hey, wow, I was unkind.

I shouldn't have said it that way.

I I'm truly, I'm truly sorry.

So, first recognize.

Second, we have responsibility.

Good repair always has to do with taking responsibility.

This is where you take responsibility without defensiveness.

That's hard.

That is really hard.

Not this, like, yeah, but you said this, but I did this because like we're all tempted to do it, especially in marriage relationships.

We all do that.

But check this out Proverbs 28, great book on wisdom, gives us a piece of wisdom that's really helpful.

Whoever conceals their sins, doesn't take responsibility, is maybe a different way to say it, does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Confession, not blame, not excuses, that leads to mercy.

Ownership is powerful, friends.

And when you own what you did and say, hey, I shouldn't have done that, that is a huge gift.

Third, we want to relate.

Man, we have to, good repair has to do with us validating that their situation actually happened.

This is the picture of trying to be with someone else's emotional world and honoring their experience.

And I understand that some of you hearing this might go, what does it mean to honor someone's emotional experience?

This sounds overwhelming.

It just simply means listening well, saying, trying to understand as much as you can in that moment.

Trying to say things like, I can imagine that did hurt you, and that makes sense.

Fourth and lastly, good repair always has to do with re-establishing.

We have to re-establish safety and trust.

Beautiful love.

Uh 1 Peter 4 8 says this about love.

I love this.

Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.

This is where we reconnect, we commit.

So good repair has to do with these four things.

And I just want to encourage you if you're wanting to step out of dysfunction, which I know you are, but healthy families have repair, and this is what good repair can look like.

Again, it doesn't have to be perfect, but take this as a framework.

Begin to step into it, even walk, walk through it.

It's a very helpful thing with relationships.

So just two obvious pieces of not homework, but practice for you this week.

Is there someone in your family that you need to extend forgiveness to?

Most of us, that's the case.

We need to extend forgiveness to someone.

Or secondly, and very similarly, is there someone that you need to ask forgiveness?

And on this one, there's no need to wait.

If you're like, maybe I should wait till tomorrow, don't wait.

Apologize, make it right as quickly as you can, and that creates this beautiful ecosystem.

The last two are quicker than the first two, so let me give you the la the next one.

The next thing that all of our relationships need is our attention.

In our day and age, in this moment in time, we need to be able to give those closest to us our attention.

French philosopher Simone Ville said, attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.

And in today's world, she is absolutely right.

What's very interesting about this quote, though, is she wrote it in 1902, a very long time ago.

She was aware that our attention was being pulled.

Not much anymore is rare and not much is pure.

But when we give our attention, eye-to-eye attention, man, it is sometimes the most generous thing you will give to your family, your spouse, your friends.

Undivided attention, friends, is a gift.

And when you're present, really present, especially if you're a parent, it actually gives you a massive blessing.

It gives massive blessing to your kids.

One study on early childhood deprivation found that when kids don't get enough consistent attention, they struggle with executive function, self-regulation, and all of the very important tools that they need for adulthood.

Some of you are working with people right now that you're really annoyed with, and it was primarily because they just didn't get enough attention as a child from some of their friends or from their parents as an example.

But may I just encourage you, it is not too late.

It's beautiful when you can give those closest to you your attention.

And this holds true even for if you have kids that are quiet or they don't always speak up, your attention becomes the mirror as an example, parents that they look to to see who they are.

So if you're wondering what you can do today to help your relationships, a few things.

Look up, slow down, and pay attention.

Seriously, look up, slow down, and pay attention.

It is not much more complicated than that to give people our attention.

And when we do that, it is a huge gift.

One of the most striking moments in Jesus' life is when he was surrounded.

You've heard this story many times, I know.

But he was surrounded by crowds, pressed in on every side.

You remember the story?

And a woman simply appears who had been bleeding for 12 years, the scriptures say, and they and then she finally touches his robe, hoping, like just hoping for healing.

And instead of rushing on, Jesus stops and he just turns and he looks at her.

He asks a question.

Who touched me?

Right?

You've heard the story.

And he asks, not out of frustration, but rather out of care.

He's like, What's happening here?

And in Luke 8, I love this phrase, it says, Then the woman, he's speaking of here, then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed.

That line gets me every time.

She could not go unnoticed.

She was so desperate to be seen that God saw her in all the ways.

Jesus gave her his full attention.

And at that moment, he restored more than her body.

He restored her dignity, her story, her identity.

And friends, that is the power of attention.

It's healing when you give people your attention.

And so I know it's tempting right here to basically make you feel bad and say, hey, you should never use your phone.

And the fact that you have a phone is just demonic, and you should probably get a flip phone and like never use technology, right?

But that's not realistic.

I want to highlight that this is actually not your fault.

It's no secret that we are living in an attention crisis and we're constantly distracted.

But it is not all your fault.

Journalist Johan Hari wrote this book called Stolen Focus.

Great book, by the way, if you're wondering about this idea of attention.

But he just basically highlighted that your attention is being hijacked because we now live in something called the attention economy.

Many of you know this.

This is not new news to you.

But it forces us to stay glued to these screens.

You know that.

And your phone could be less addictive.

This is where I want to make you feel better.

Your phone could be less addictive, but it's not because it makes people a lot of money to keep it the way it is.

So it's not just distraction, friends.

It's designed to do that, you know.

But we've entered this weird world now, and this is where it gets into our closest relationships.

We have what experts call now productive leisure.

And if you've never heard of that term, that's that idea that your rest only matters if it turns a profit for someone else.

So, for example, you might go home this afternoon and you want to scroll for some downtime.

And friends, you're not really unwinding in that moment, you're quietly making other people rich.

You think you're relaxing, but in actuality, you're just being distracted into oblivion.

That's the crisis.

Our attention was meant for more sacred things than ads, than algorithms, than endless noise.

God gives us his attention, friends.

And if God's giving us his attention, man, what a gift we can pass on to our family and to our closest relationships.

Matthew 10, 30.

I love this one.

He pays even greater attention to you.

Down to the last detail, even numbering the hairs on your head, or for some of us, the lack thereof.

Some of us are just not doing well with that department.

That's fine.

I see you, right?

Literally, I can see your heads, they're shining.

Um, but God is ready for the moment.

The moment we turn to him, he's ready to turn to us in a deep, beautiful way.

So, three quick questions, we're almost done.

Again, another practice for this week.

Three questions that your closest relationships need you to answer at a soul level.

If you're a parent, as an example, these are not questions your kids are gonna come up and ask you, but they are questions that you need to answer, things that they need to have answered by those that love them in their life.

First, and we'll go briefly, do you see me?

This is an important one.

Do you see me?

My daughter Sloane, she's seven.

Her name means warrior.

And I just want to encourage you to be aware of what you name your children because they often live up to what their name is, and her name means warrior, and uh, it's terrifying.

So her name's Sloan, she's seven.

She's in this space recently where she's learning how to do cartwheels.

Now, this is frustrating because she's not good at cartwheels, which means she gets hurt all the time.

So she's flinging her body all over the place, trying to do a cartwheel, but mostly getting hurt.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

This stage is very frustrating.

So the other day, she's she I'm sitting down and she goes, Dad, watch me.

And I say, Okay, she does a cartwheel in front of me and she lands.

I say good job.

It wasn't a good job.

Like it was not a good cartwheel.

I was just like, let's move on quickly.

If I say good job, she'll move on.

But she quickly goes, You weren't watching me.

I was like, Yes, I was.

I saw you.

She goes, I'm gonna do it again, but this time watch me.

I was like, Okay, like what felt corrected.

So she does it again, not a good job, but I said, Good job, honey, good, let's move on.

And she's like, You're not watching me.

And I was like, Are you kidding?

Well, how do I watch you anymore?

So out of sheer frustration, I put my hands up like binoculars on my eyes, and I watch her do this cartwheel.

And for whatever reason, in that moment, she felt totally what we would call seen.

She's like, Great, thanks for watching, Dad.

Now, this has gotten so out of hand that I can be in the other room and she can literally say, Watch me, dad, and I just put my hands up like binoculars, and she goes, Thanks for watching! Like, it's bizarre.

She feels seen by this.

Now, note to those of you who are married or in any sort of romantic relationship.

This works great with children, it does not work great in a relationship.

If you're sitting across from your spouse at dinner and they're like, and your wife's like, I just don't feel like you see me, and you're just like, does not compute.

Second question, do you care that I'm here?

This is important.

Most of your kids, if you're good people and you are, know that you love them.

But a lot of kids don't know that you like them.

And you need to remind them, and you need to remind your spouse, and you need to remind your friends in your closest relationship, hey, I just like who you are.

I like you.

Who you are is good.

Third, am I enough for you or do you need me to be better in some way?

And this is that idea that who God created in your life, whether that's your spouse or a friend or a child, that you delight in who they actually are, not who you wish them to be.

It's our job if you are a parent to not only unfold, it's not only to mold your kids, but to unfold them.

You mold them, right?

We're teaching, we're training, we're helping, but we're also discovering at the same time.

Lastly and briefly, your relationships, our relationships need our blessing.

We have this saying around intentional, that your kids specifically will become who you tell them that you see them becoming.

And that's that idea that words shape your identity and they actually matter.

Proverbs 18 says that the tongue has the power of life and death.

That we literally can bless people or curse them with our words.

Words will either build up your family and relationships into what God made them to be, or they will break under the weight and the pressure of shame and silence and words that hurt.

They need your blessing, friends.

Now, a question to all of us, because it comes right to me, is what in the world is a biblical blessing?

Because the Bible is actually full of blessing from like Abraham, you've got Isaac, you've got Jesus.

There's a lot of people like speaking blessing.

But blessings weren't just nice sentiments like, hey, bless you.

Like, hope you have a good day.

No, blessings were identity shaping, future revealing, Holy Spirit infused words of life.

Identity shaping, future revealing, Holy Spirit infused in words of life.

Um, in his book, John Trent lays out five core elements of a biblical blessing, and I think they make the most sense and they are the most helpful.

So I'm gonna just put these five things on the screen, then I'm gonna share a story of how it looks all together.

Okay, so you can take a photo of this, write it down, whatever you want.

But I'll just mention them, I'll tell you a quick story, we'll be done.

First, appropriate touch, a spoken message, attaching high value, picturing a special future, and then an active commitment to fulfill the blessing.

Let me just give you a quick story of what this looks like.

Uh, when I leave or travel or speak, I try to sit down with each one of my kids and I try to bless them.

Now, this doesn't happen every single time.

I want you to be totally in tune with how unrealistic it is to do this every single time I would leave, or but we want to do this on a consistent basis.

And this is specifically the example of a father to his kids.

But in this situation, I'll say to my son, Duke, so first we have appropriate touch.

I'll put my hands on his shoulders.

He's now taller than me, so I look up a little bit.

He calls me his short king.

I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

I don't think it's endearing, I think it's gross.

But this is where we are.

I look in his eyes and I just, you know, appropriate touch.

He's a man now.

So I say, hey, then I move to a spoken message.

And I say something along the lines, not exactly, but something along the lines like, hey, I love you.

You belong in this family, you're my son.

I'm proud of who you're becoming because that's true.

You're kind, you're strong.

I love how you're learning to care for others.

You're just speaking the things that you see.

Now, most of us are thinking good things a lot of the time.

We just don't often say them.

And that's the thing.

We want to put that into words.

And then we want to thirdly attach high value.

At this part, you're trying to give some idea, a picture of like, hey, you're a valuable person to me.

A little while ago, this slipped out of my mouth, and so I wrote it down because I laughed so hard inside, so I'll share it with you.

And it's I said, you remind me of like a mix, you're like a mix, Duke, of like Jesus and John Wick, but you're just not violent.

And I love that about you, right?

I love that you're like Jesus and you don't kill people with pens.

I think that's cool.

It's like, yeah, that's tough.

I know.

I try to speak that he's fierce in love, he's strong in character.

And then fourth, I try to picture a special future.

I want to speak into my kids' future if I can, or those I love.

I want to speak into their future.

And this is where I say something along the lines.

I believe you're you're a man of that people can count on, someone who protects vulnerable people, who leads with wisdom.

And this part with picturing a special future with one of my daughters, Bertie James, um, I speak to her brilliance.

I say, Hey, I see God using your mind to help others know Jesus more deeply.

And I know some of you sitting here might be like, Oh, that sounds pretty Christian.

Like, I see God using her mind to bless people.

If I could only tell you Bertie's story, you might understand why that's so crazy.

But when she was six months old, she was diagnosed with a catastrophic form of epilepsy called infantile spasms, which caused long-term permanent brain damage.

And she was all of a sudden totally healthy, and then a little girl with special needs, and she's been recovering every day since.

When God gave me the picture that He was going to heal her mind, the thing that was most broken about her, to bring redemption to the world, that's not just a nice idea, friends, that's a miracle.

That's God doing something that I could never do.

And I try to speak to her like, I want.

Picture a special future for you, Bertie.

And that is this that God's going to use the thing that's most broken in you to bring the most healing to others.

And I get to tell her that.

Half the time she's like, What are you talking about?

I'm like, I know you don't get it, but it's happening, sweetie.

It's happening.

What is that blessing?

It's prophetic encouragement.

It's speaking it into life.

And then lastly and briefly, a commitment to fulfill the blessing.

Friends, you cannot bless people and then just say, Hope it goes well.

Hope this works out.

It's not enough to just speak it.

You have to show up for it.

You have to say, Hey, I'm here for you.

A silly example, but a good one is if you're a parent and you have a kid that's good at piano, but you never provide a piano for them to learn and play, that's a great example of not actually blessing them.

You're just teasing them.

We have to show up and be a part of it.

As we close, a question that is probably rising to your heart, one that is definitely there for me every time I even talk about this topic.

And is the question is this what if no one ever did that for me?

I mean, I don't know about you.

I I didn't have that growing up.

This was not my list growing up.

But I want to highlight that even though you might not have had a dad that put his hand on your shoulder and was proud of you, or a mom that named your gifts out gifts out loud, there's hope.

Because our father actually has.

He's done that.

And friends, if you have not received this type of blessing, awakening church, you can actually become a church, you can become a family that begins to have the language of blessing in your homes and in your relationships.

And my goodness, this thing brings more healing than anything I've experienced.

I mean, just if you are married, can I just highlight something for you?

If you're married, what spouse is gonna hate this?

Right?

Like you go out to dinner and you know, go through the list.

One appropriate touch.

Well, you're married, so it could be inappropriate, whatever.

It's up to you, you know.

But you you're speaking a message, attaching high value.

You're going through the whole list.

What spouse is not going to just absolutely inflate with joy in life with a spouse that would give that to them?

If you're a parent, give that to your kids.

Adult children, if you have parents that are in a place of dysfunction, you can give this to them.

They might not give it to you, but you can give it to them.

And I promise you, you will see life and see hope and see the spirit come in and begin to heal what has been dysfunctional.

What heals dysfunction quicker than anything, my friends, is blessing.

There's so many different ways we could close, but I feel like the best way is just to pray in all of this different, all these different moments that we've talked about.

So if you would love, could you just stand for a minute?

We're gonna stand, we're gonna worship in a second.

And as we do, I'm gonna just invite you to be in whatever posture is helpful for you to receive.

Now that just means if it's closing your eyes, great.

If it's opening them, opening your hands, whatever posture is comfortable.

But as we close, I just I I want to invite the spirit to just ask a few questions as we are closing.

So, Holy Spirit, we just invite you to come right now.

We invite you in this moment to just reflect.

And I just want to pray in and just ask a few questions of you and walk you through just for a brief moment.

A few things to ask the Father, even right now.

And so, Father, we just invite you to just highlight these things, be like the flashlight in the cave of our soul.

The first question I would just invite you to ask the Father is this which one of those four do you want me to press into more?

God, are you inviting me into the work, the spiritual formation, the forgiveness?

Maybe I'm distracted all the time, or maybe you're here and you want to become a person that blesses and doesn't curse.

Just take a moment, ask him what needs to be illuminated right now.

The second question just to ask the Father, what does he want you to know?

I mean, some some people here are just maybe we're distracted, maybe God wants to say something.

So just open up your mind and your heart and your ideas to ask him, what does he want you to know?

He might want you to know something.

God's kindness leads us to repentance.

And thirdly, uh, lastly, what does he want you to do?

With what he's highlighting and with what he wants you to know.

Just ask the question, what do you want me to do?

Maybe it's a specific person, maybe it's your child, maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's your friend, maybe it's a coworker.

But what is he asking you to step into?

God doesn't just put nice ideas in our mind, he actually wants us to step out in obedience.

And as we're closing, as we begin to take communion in a minute and we sing, even upon praying for this weekend, I just had a strong sense that there might be many in the room uh struggling with pain and frustration with the in-law/slash adult kids dynamic.

You're an adult, you're you're a parent at this point, but you have parents, and there's just some tension, there's some frustration.

And I just want to remind you, God can heal that too.

God can heal the really intense dysfunction that even exists right now.

And it doesn't mean it's perfect, it doesn't mean it goes all the way, but he can do those things.

So don't forget to invite him.

So, Father, we invite you into our stories to heal, to redeem, to help.

We know that we don't need to say many words for them to be sincere, to be filled with faith, and for them to be powerful.

So I just ask for healing in the families represented in this room.

For the marriages that are just at a tender moment of and really just in a hard place.

I want to ask, God, that you would lead them towards health, towards love, towards oneness in you and with one another.

And Father, I want to pray for those who are just struggling, uh, even in their parenting relationships with their kids.

I ask for just perspective and hope and help, and God, that you would just breathe life into the families of awakening.

Would we be people who not only listen to you, but obey you?

And so today, as you've given us this opportunity, we ask God that we would step into obedience with humility and joy.

We pray this for your glory and our good.

We hope you are blessed by this message.

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