Team Marriage | Pastor Chris & Hilary Kouba

Good morning, United City.

How are we doing?

Hey, it is good to see you.

We got our marriage night coming up on May 4th.

You're not going to want to miss this.

I'm telling you, it is going to be absolutely awesome.

Hillary and I actually went to this event uh a couple of months ago, and it is hysterical.

I mean, you're going to absolutely be rolling.

It is funny.

It is all of those things, but it is super, super helpful, a great investment.

You can actually get a discount on the tickets by using the word laugh whenever you register, put the discount code in there as a United City Church attendee and member.

So I want to encourage you to be a part of that.

But Saturday night, May 4th, here.

And then Michael Jr.

is actually preaching for us the next morning here at United City, which should be a lot of fun.

So it should be great.

Hey, real quick, let me get a little housekeeping before we uh get going this morning.

This is something we've been working on for quite a while.

I'm pretty excited about the fact that it is finally here and it's going to be released.

If you are a part of our church email database, you should be receiving an email on Tuesday.

If you're not, then I want to encourage you to go to UnitedCity.church.

You can sign up to be a part of our email that goes out.

We do once a month with all the activities and then we do special announcements.

I'm launching a podcast on Tuesday.

Pretty excited about this.

Uh, it's called Step Up.

It's for men.

I mean, seriously, like one of you.

Like Hillary, thank you for cheering here.

I'm proud of you.

This is specifically for men.

It's gonna be geared towards you.

We're gonna be leasing it every other week on Tuesdays.

So I want to just encourage you, if you are a podcaster, then you know how to sign up for it.

If you are not a podcaster, we're gonna be playing it on YouTube, on our YouTube channel, as well as all the places that you can get podcasts.

It's really, really good content.

We're really pumped to see how God's already been able to uh use it as we've kind of done a couple of episodes, and we're excited to get it out to you.

So I just want to encourage you to be a part of that.

The Step Up Podcast releasing this Tuesday for all of you men.

Grab your Bibles, open them up to 1 Peter chapter 3.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

First Peter chapter 3.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

Let me take this opportunity to welcome all the men and all of the women at our correctional facilities, those on the Pando app.

Let's give them a hand and celebrate those on the other side of the camera here.

Today is the second week in our sermon series called Wedlocked.

And our goal is to try to help you not feel stuck in your marriage.

Uh, we want to try to help you unlock your marriage that you can experience all the blessings and the great things that God has designed and made this relationship for you to experience uh as a married couple.

And the main point that I want you to walk away with today is this to make marriage better, you have to play as a team.

To make marriage better, you have to play as a team.

Today's gonna be a little bit different in the way that we're gonna go about this because uh it's we're gonna look at a passage of scripture which talks about how to play as a team.

And what it tells us is that in order to play as a team, you have to know and you have to play your role.

God has designed this thing called marriage, but he's also designed it to where the men have certain roles and responsibilities and the women have certain roles and responsibilities.

And so I decided instead of me just kind of standing up here and opening up God's word and telling all of you ladies what you're supposed to do, it would probably come across a little bit easier if you actually heard it from a woman.

So let's give it up to my teammate, Hilary Cuba, that's here this morning.

So, Hillary, we're a big athletic family.

We all love sports, we love to play sports, we are excited about that, and we know that that is all because you are the true athlete of the family, and you love it.

So tell us a little bit about what your favorite team that you've ever competed on is.

Well, that's a lie.

I am not the athletic at all, but I I did play intramurals in college for my sorority, and it was my junior year, and I decided to play flag football with a bunch of friends and ended up as the quarterback on the D team.

So that meant there was A, B, C, and then D.

And um, I don't I don't know how that happened, but we were out there, we had so much fun, and believe it or not, we actually made it to the playoffs with that team.

And one of the coaches was one of my good friends who was also on the team, it was her boyfriend, so he had given us plays and kind of told us what to do.

And so this particular playoff game, I guess it was probably the first one, but it was a sudden death situation.

So we actually have we have proof that this actually existed.

Take a look at this.

This is the D team, D Team Intermural Football team.

Yeah, right there.

So yeah, so this is a sudden death situation.

Whoever scores first wins.

And we were excited, we had the ball first, he had given us the play, and we were ready to go out there.

And my girl, my teammate, runs her route.

I throw an amazing pass, but unfortunately, the other team was there at the same time.

So they caught the ball, and I don't know how we made it all the way to the playoffs without really understanding the rules and to know that we had to pull her flag in order to stop the play.

And so we just watched her run all the way to the end zone, and literally the game was over in two seconds.

And uh Chris was coming.

I don't even think he made it.

He showed up on time and missed the whole thing.

So it it was a fun season.

I loved being on that team.

Maybe not my favorite game, but it was just well that's interesting.

I've been with you the whole time, uh, even since that that that time and your athletic career pretty much ended right there.

Uh that was I begin to following after it.

But you've been on other teams, and one of the teams that we I want to talk about a little bit today is Team Cuba.

It's interesting.

We've got a group text now as a family, it's called Team Cuba, and it's now got all of our four kids on the group techs, but it didn't start that way.

It actually started with just the two of us.

That was sort of what we always had is Team Cuba, and we always have thought of ourselves that way.

Everyone hears me talk a lot.

Give us a little bit of insight as to how we ended up right here as Team Cuba.

So uh we actually met at the beginning of our freshman year early on.

Don't we look cute, by the way?

This is good stuff.

I was from Dallas, he was from Houston, we met at Baylor, and we were really good friends our whole freshman year.

Just hung out, talked all the time, and it was at the end of our freshman year we started dating and never broke up.

Literally, we have been together since then.

We got married two weeks after graduation from Baylor, and then Chris started, we both started working.

Chris started uh seminary, and so then it was two months after he finished his four-year seminary degree that Caitlin was born, our oldest, and then the next four years are a blur of three more kids coming into the hat.

Um, and then so we were at, yes, we were at our last church for 17 years, saw a lot of awesome things there, and then been here for five years.

So happy anniversary, by the way.

Five years, pretty cool.

So way to go.

We did it, we did it.

That's good.

Um our marriage has had some major high highs.

Uh, our marriage has had some some pretty pretty significant lows.

Uh, one of our one of our highs for sure was, of course, those those kids, those four kids.

That's been a huge blessing in our family in every way.

We've had great job opportunities and great things coming out of that from that job opportunities.

It was also pretty neat.

Early on, I was actually over premarital ministry, and so we met with this is not an exaggeration, hundreds of couples to do premarital counseling, and it was always great because we would literally do the counseling and we would look at each other and be like, we should actually do some of the stuff that we just told them that they should do.

Like, this is really good.

And so I think it really helped us because it let us have a foundation of investing in our marriage from an early standpoint.

We've had some lows.

Uh, the first few years of our marriage, you struggled greatly with migraines.

It was a big, huge deal.

It was one of those things where it kind of took her out in every way.

She'd take medicine that basically would make her fall asleep, or she just kind of had to endure it and suffer through.

And so it was kind of always a touch and go.

Are you having a migraine today?

It was a question we used to always kind of rally around a bunch and try to figure out what we're gonna do to deal with it.

Uh, I was burned.

I've talked about that before in a burn accident a number of years ago.

And so we had four small kids at home, and then you throw on the fact that I can do nothing for about six months, and it was like having five kids.

You basically had to take care of almost all of us, and then we've been to counseling for our marriage.

Uh, you mentioned uh Caitlin was our oldest, she was born 19 months later.

We had our second daughter, Kinsey, and then literally 15 and a half months after that, we had Hudson.

We had three kids under the age of three, all of them in diapers.

It was absolutely nuts, it was crazy.

And uh it was a situation to where we'd kind of done okay with the first two, and then all of a sudden Hudson comes and the wheels shot right off.

We just weren't on the same page, we just were tense, we were really tired, to be honest with you, but it was really, really difficult, and we kind of recognized it that we've got to get some help here.

And so we went to counseling, and I'm telling you, it was huge for us.

It was so helpful, not only to navigate that little small season, it was really helpful for us that we still kind of use some of the things that we learned even now today.

Highly, highly recommend being in counseling and getting help for your relationship.

That's kind of a background as we kind of talk to you about this passage in 1 Peter chapter 3, because one, we've seen literally hundreds of couples.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

We've worked with couples in the past and we've worked alongside of couples, we've walked with them, but also I want you to know like we've messed up and we've also done a few things right.

And so, in light of that, we kind of want to share some experience to give you some practical tools in terms of applying this.

And I would tell you, by no means are we perfect, but we kind of know what the bullseye is.

We know where we want to go.

We've been around enough couples who've chosen not to do it God's way, and we're like, man, we don't want that.

But we've also been around a lot of couples who've chosen to do it God's way, and we look at them as models and we're like, man, that's our goal.

Like, that's the finish line for us.

And so we just kind of want to bring you along in that journey.

We're gonna read 1 Peter chapter 3.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

Hillary, why don't you read for us, beginning in verse 1?

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

Do not yet let your adorning be external, a braiding of hair, the putting on of jewelry, of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord.

And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

All right, nothing controversial here whatsoever.

All right, no big deal.

Relight, easy marriage passage to do this.

Here's what we want to do, okay?

We want to give ladies you two rules, guidelines, if you will, to help you apply and know and play your role to be a part of the team.

And then, men, I want to give you two guidelines and rules to help you know and play your role as a team.

Take Stu to Tango, and we want to help you both of you, okay?

First of all, ladies, number one, follow Christ, serve your husband.

Follow Christ, serve your husband.

If you don't understand the context, you immediately hear this passage and it sounds oppressive, chauvinistic, and degrading to women.

And I would tell you, if you know the context, you'll actually discover it's the exact opposite.

What you have here is a scenario where people were coming to Christ in the midst of a culture that wasn't celebrating the fact that they were coming to Christ.

It was also a culture in which women in general were basically told to go along with their husbands.

They weren't necessarily allowed to have much of an opinion on their own, specifically one that wasn't a celebrated opinion.

And so what you have is you have a husband and a wife, both of them who are unbelievers who get married.

Then the woman comes to Christ, faith in Christ, and now finds herself in a really weird situation.

Because on the one hand, what she can do is she can choose to divorce her husband, and by doing so, it's gonna bring shame on him.

It's potentially gonna cause him to not be thought of well in the society.

This was kind of like a cancel culture before cancer culture was cool.

Like literally, his business might be affected because if he has a wife that leaves him to follow after Jesus, then that's gonna be seen as something that's gonna be really harmful to his status in society.

On the other hand, what is she supposed to do?

Is she supposed to just basically try to witness to her husband and talk to him the whole time and kind of try to win him to the faith when all along he isn't necessarily someone who is following after the Lord and knows that to do so would cause harm for him in the society.

And so ultimately, this is her conundrum.

What is she supposed to do?

And ultimately, what we see in this passage is the answer is she is to live a supernatural life within the existing societal structure.

He's not giving an opinion over whether the way that the society set it up was right or wrong, he's saying live in that and instead live a supernatural life that shows that you actually do believe in the Jesus that you're now saying that you follow.

If this is a voluntary, this idea of submission is a voluntary choice that she is making.

She's not, this isn't becoming a slave, this isn't doing whatever he wants no matter what.

This isn't saying that that somehow she doesn't ever have an opinion.

Instead, what this is saying is that she is to submit to her husband as a way to show that she believes and a way to help witness to her husband.

Literally, verse two, she is to win him not with her words, but with her walk.

She isn't gonna lecture him into heaven, but she can serve him, she can follow him, she can submit willingly to his leadership, and that proves oh, what you really believe and say you believe is true.

Because you're not wanting to disgrace me or or dishonor me in the society, but you are not wavering on your commitment to the Lord.

Let me mention a few quick things as caveats about this passage.

Uh, first of all, this is not saying that a woman must always submit under all circumstances all the time.

Instead, Dave Kinney talked about this a couple of weeks ago when he preached in 1 Peter 2, that we know that if a leader is leading you to do something contrary to what God says you're supposed to do, you are not required to follow that leadership.

But please know it is saying that if you don't like it, but it's not against what God says, it is saying that you're supposed to submit to that leadership.

That's part of the the tension of the passage.

Let me give you a second thing, a disclaimer.

This doesn't say that all women are supposed to submit to all men.

It instead says if you are a wife, you should submit to your husband, not everybody's husband.

That's a very important distinction.

Now, I already feel the tension in the room.

Like this already just feels weird.

So, Hillary, why don't you speak to this?

Like, what do you think of whenever you hear the word submission?

I mean, honestly, it doesn't sound like this awesome word.

When I think of it, I think of a negative connotation of having to be underneath someone, bowing down, or just doing whatever they say.

But that's not at all how God made submission and wants us to do it.

He's given it to women for our good to set boundaries for us, and it's just his order for marriage.

And if I am just reacting to the way Chris is leading, he may or may not make it easy to submit.

And but I can't base if I'm going to submit or not based on that.

I'm ultimately submitting to the Lord, because He's first and foremost who I'm submitting to.

And then secondly, I'm submitting to my husband, to Chris.

So has it been easy?

Yes and no.

One example I can think of that was difficult was um, it was actually, I don't know, like 16 years ago.

And so when we were in college, Chris was a religion major.

He was going to seminary after college.

He told me over and over he was gonna be a pastor, I guess just making sure I was on board with this, which I was.

I was had no issues with that.

I was happy for him to be a pastor.

Um, but when he came to me several years in and was like, I think I'm called to plan a church, and I was like, wait a minute, that I didn't think that when I thought about you being a pastor, I thought we would just go to an already established church and you'd be their pastor.

And at the time we had two little kids, Kinsey was just born, and he was talking about moving to another city.

We would be leaving our family and friends and support system.

It just sounded like a lot of work.

I know with a church plant, you have to find a building to meet in and people and raise money.

And I just was like, Lord, why would you ask us to do this?

This sounds terrible right now, and definitely not the season for us to go do all of this.

Um, but I didn't necessarily talk to Chris about this because I didn't want to damper his excitement.

He was going through this training process with a group and interviewing, talking to city leaders and the city he wanted to move to.

And I just was like, I can't really do that.

But I was definitely wrestling with this with the Lord.

And the more I just was praying and talking to God about it, I just realized, like, okay, God, this is what you've called us to do, but I don't really feel like it's what we should do, but I'm just gonna give that over to you.

Chris, he feels like that.

I'm gonna let him lead.

He's yours, and you're kind of in charge, and it's your fault if this goes bad.

And so I just said, I was like, okay, but I'll do this.

But I didn't want to just go at it with dragging my feet and saying, fine, I'll do this.

Like the Lord really changed my heart.

And we used to teach our kids this like I had a happy heart.

I was ready to go, I was ready to just be all on board.

I could see us living in that city.

It just sounded like a great place, and I was all excited about it.

And so Chris didn't really know I was wrestling with this, but at the same time, the Lord was working in my heart, he was also working in his.

And it wasn't that much longer that he came to me and said, actually, I I'm not really sure.

I don't think we're supposed to plan a church anymore.

I think we're just supposed to buckle down, stay where we are, and continue doing this.

And I was like, no, I'm on board.

Like you said, we were doing this, I'm ready to go.

I don't know what you're talking about now.

But uh honestly, I think it was just the Lord using that situation to teach me, like, I'm the one that you're supposed to submit to.

And by you submitting to me, even if you don't trust the whole process or the way it's gonna work out, or know what the end result is, that I'm still the one in charge, and then ultimately leading or following your husband in submission as well.

I think one of the things I appreciate, even hearing you talk about that story, is I didn't know.

I didn't not know all the stuff that you were wrestling through.

And God was obviously doing something in the background with me uh that kind of began to change that.

I've heard you say this so many times when you've talked to couples, when you've been on the phone with folks, or when you've met with people.

I've heard you ask this question.

I I know that there, I can just tell by the base of the conversation, they're kind of like asking what they need to do about a particular situation or scenario or life parenting, whatever it may be.

And you'll say this, what does your husband say?

What does your husband say?

And I know when you're saying that, what you mean is you're trying to say and you're trying to remind them of the order.

But here's what I also know I know some of those husbands, they're not killing it, they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing, and you're still saying that.

I think that's important because I know sometimes we we kind of hear this and we're like, well, I would totally be submissive if my husband does boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

The context of the passage implies that the husband is not walking with the Lord, and it still says that.

And so I think that's kind of one of those things you you referenced it, but it's a way that basically you make it God's problem.

I can tell you, couple after couple after couple, who tried their way and they end up with their results.

I can also tell you it's hard, it's difficult, whenever you've instead, husband wives, they just give their husbands over to the Lord, and I'm gonna follow and do what you ask me to do.

And God begins to do something in their husband outside of that conversation that honestly is so much more than you could ever do through your lecture.

And I don't say that it's again bad to have an opinion, I just think it's so important you are wrestling that with the Lord, and at the very same time, God was doing something in my own heart to kind of bring some change.

Uh, think about this in the passage, it references Sarah and Abraham, and you're like, well, that would be pretty easy to follow if it was if I was having to follow Abraham.

Have you read some of the crazy stuff that Abraham did to Sarah?

It was nuts.

And so this was not an easy scenario, but it's saying, follow Christ, serve your husband.

Let's bring about the second guideline here.

Uh, it's found in verses three through five.

It's this emphasize uh internal, not external.

Emphasize internal, not external.

This passage is not saying, ladies, that you shouldn't wear makeup or shower or wear nice clothes.

Praise God for that, okay?

It is saying this.

It shouldn't be your primary point of emphasis.

Uh it's incredible the amount of money that is spent, not just on girls, but really guy and girl, just products for for hygiene and for making, you know, all the things to try to help your skincare, all of these various things, it's insane.

I remember 21 and a half years ago when I got married to you and we we began to share a bathroom, just the amount of real estate in a bathroom for a girl's stuff was shocking.

It was just absolutely incredible.

And I think you're a lot less than a lot of people.

It's not saying those things are bad, but it is saying those things can't be the focus.

Hillary, you do an awesome job of this, both with our girls, but also in your own life.

Give us give us speaking to this a little bit about the emphasis on internal, not external.

Well, it makes me think of the story of David and how Samuel was.

Asked to go find the next king.

And so he met with all of David's family, his brothers, and every single brother he met with, God did not say that this is the king.

And so finally Samuel said, Is there anyone else out there?

And they were like, Oh, yeah, we do have this other brother.

He's a shepherd, he's out in the fields.

It was almost like they forgot about him.

And he just they didn't think he would be the king type, wasn't a big, robust guy and not super loud or demanding, but um they were like, You're welcome to meet with him if you want.

So Samuel did, and sure enough, right away God told him, This is the next king.

Um, and in 1 Samuel chapter 16, verse 7, it says, But the Lord said to Samuel, do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him.

1 Samuel 16:7

For the Lord sees not as man sees, man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

So this shows us that God just clearly sees things differently than we do.

He values the internal appearance of our heart than the external.

And I mean, even today, I have on jewelry, makeup, I like to go shopping, wear nice clothes, but I don't want those things to define me.

And I just it show it shows that the ultimate question is what does your heart look like?

Are you worried about how you look on the outside or more about how you're pleasing God and trying to serve Him?

It's good.

And you do an incredible job of both, no question about that, and model that.

And it's such an important thing for us to remember as we think through playing our roles and being on the team.

Let's transition to the guys.

Guys, you get one verse.

Do not think that somehow this is an emphasis type thing, that you only get one verse and then the girls get six, that he wants to make sure they get it.

He gives you one with the biggest punch.

And you're gonna see that.

Look at first Peter 3:7.

1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

First guideline I want to point out to the men is this leadership means accountability.

Leadership means accountability.

It's implied in verses one through six.

Even though you only get one verse, I believe that what is stated in verses one through six imply the fact that you're supposed to be leading.

Then in verse seven, the description actually begins to state it that men, you are to lead your wives, and you are to be the leaders of your home.

Leadership does not mean that you're sitting around barking out orders, telling other people what to do.

It doesn't mean that you get to be the one who's just in charge and you don't have to do anything.

It instead implies that you're actively, aggressively working towards the care and the oversight of your wife and of your home.

Think back to the Garden of Eden.

In Genesis chapter 3, uh, he tells the Adam and Eve, here's all the things you're supposed to enjoy.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

And he says, There's this one tree, don't eat of it.

It says in Genesis 3 that the serpent begins to come up to Eve, and he tempts her with the fruit from the tree that she wasn't supposed to eat from.

And look at what it says in Genesis 3, verse 6.

Genesis 3:6

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate.

And she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate.

I want you to see what just took place.

You've got this scenario where a serpent is saying things that are contrary to what God, the Creator, had already told them, and Adam is right next to Eve watching it go down.

He literally just watches his wife make a choice that ultimately has great consequences.

This is important because what I want you to see is skip down to verse 8.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife had hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

What you see is that all of a sudden now they're having to pay for what they had done, and so God comes and it says they hid themselves.

Verse 9, but the Lord God called to the man, and he said, Where are you?

Adam watched it go down, and when all of a sudden accountability time came, he didn't say, Eve, what have you done?

He said, Adam, where are you?

Because obviously you weren't where you were supposed to be, doing what you were supposed to do.

And here's what this means.

Don't miss it.

You may say that you don't want to be the leader of your home, but you still are the leader of your home.

All that means is you have chosen not to be a good leader.

The Bible is super clear.

This is not a role that you apply for, this is a role that you've been given.

And what God desires and what he calls us to is to be a people who understand that we are gonna be leaders of our homes.

We just have to choose whether we're gonna be good leaders or whether we're gonna be bad leaders.

First Peter chapter 3, verse 7.

1 Peter 3:7

I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna change it around, but I think this is what the passage is trying to say here is saying this that basically if you don't lead in your home, your prayers will be hindered.

Meaning this the quality of your relationship at home will affect the quality of your relationship with God.

Some of you men are here today and you've been praying that your wife would do more of this or less of this, or that your wife would change.

And I would simply tell you this: when God looks at your family, he doesn't say, Hey, how's your wife doing?

When God looks at your family, he asks, How are you leading?

So let me just speak to that for a minute.

Please, because I'm fired up.

Because this is true.

I definitely agree with this.

And I just want y'all to know Chris isn't always right.

So, but I appreciate it very much when he grabs the reins, he takes charge, he initiates the hard conversations, because I'm definitely not gonna do that.

But um, even like last week when he challenged all the men in the room to just take a picture of the QR code, that's something little, but you take the initiative and do something working towards your marriage.

Um, it's just comforting to know that he's not gonna let this thing go down.

And I've talked to so many women who just want their husbands to do something, even if it's baby steps.

Husbands, just show that you care.

Show that you are gonna fight for this, that you love your wife, and that you are gonna make this a priority over everything else in your life.

That's good.

Let me give you the second guideline, men.

Follow Christ, serve your wife.

Follow Christ, serve your wife.

The language found in 1 Peter 3:7, it says the beginning, the word likewise.

1 Peter 3:7

That takes you all the way back to verse 1, which says likewise, which takes you back into chapter 2, which says likewise.

Dave talked about this before.

There's this order that God has established, and so it's not meant to be oppressive in any of these scenarios.

It's instead meant to be a gift for you to be able to operate in, and he knows there's gonna be tension in that because you got two sinners operating.

But he's trying to say, men, you are to follow after the Lord.

Now, what are you supposed to do?

It gives you some suggestions here.

One, I'm supposed to know my wife, live with her in an understanding way.

I'm supposed to understand my wife.

I'm supposed to be sensitive to my wife as the weaker vessel.

This is not meant to be oppressive, it's meant to be honoring and helpful.

It's trying to say this is that God has made us differently.

And men, your job is to protect your wife, is to look out for her.

If you hear something that's in the other room in the middle of the night, you don't need to say, Hey, would you go check on that?

Like, that's not how that works.

You get up and you figure it out, and you go and you and you have this air of not trying to say that she can't do it on her own, but instead this idea that look, I'm gonna make sure she doesn't have to do it on her own.

I wanna protect her.

Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25 to 28.

Ephesians 5:25–28

Listen to this verse.

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself.

Men, you're to protect your wife, you're to provide for your wife, you are to cherish your wife, you're to prioritize her and honor her.

Look, we are in the middle of a season right now where literally it's like, are you taking this practice or I'm taking this game?

Like it's just divide and conquer.

We've got kids who are extremely active in a lot of various things, and so therefore, a lot of our schedule is built around kids' activities, which is why we have to fight so hard to make sure that we prioritize each other because the greatest gift that we will ever give to our kids isn't at being at all of their stuff.

The greatest gift that we will ever give our kids is to show them that they were we were here before they got here and we will be here happily long after they are gone.

That they know this is the priority in every single way.

That was totally a female golf clap, is what that was right there, right?

You can tell the women are like, yeah, do that.

Okay.

Men, you aren't supposed to talk about your wife negatively.

I don't know where we got this idea that somehow, like talking about the bowling chain or talking about kind of bagging on your wife somehow in a locker room setting or outside of a locker room setting is somehow a good thing.

Man, let your wife hear good things from your mouth to her, and you speak so well of her behind her back.

Like you honor her.

You talk about how grateful that you are.

That's one of the things we've we've always done, even with our own kids.

We want to brag on each other in front of our kids so they know, hey, we we're we feel lucky that I feel lucky that she's my wife.

Like I genuinely do, and I want to make sure, and some of you, you may not feel that, but you need to speak your way into feeling it.

You need to say it over and over again out loud and be willing to make sure that you speak well of her.

Take care of things at your home.

Man, this is key.

Take care of your own sin.

Look, if you're a train wreck financially, then don't let your finances go to ruin because you're supposed to be in charge of it.

You instead either get help or let your wife do it or encourage her to do it, but make sure you know you're accountable for it.

And sometimes leading your family means leading and protecting your family from you.

If you've got sin issues, if you're involved in pornography, if you're involved in alcohol, if you've got issues and addictions, let me just tell you something.

Something, something that you can do that could be the godliest thing you could ever do for your family is to go to your wife and not make them babysit you, but tell them, I need help, here's what I'm gonna do to go get help.

I'm gonna make sure that I protect my home for me.

And I'm gonna do that by pursuing the Lord and by pursuing help along the way.

Yeah, and I'm just am definitely gonna speak into that because I love it that one of the things Chris has done, and he's mentioned it from up here too, is Friday lunch dates are a priority to him, and he has blocked that in his schedule.

And if you want to have a funeral, then he's not gonna be your pastor for it.

And if you if he's not gonna be playing golf during that time, he's not gonna be meeting with friends or hanging out with them, but it's something for the two of us.

And it hasn't always been on Fridays.

Sometimes it used to be when our kids were little and we didn't, they were at home, we would make it Thursday nights and we'd put them to bed and we would wait and eat dinner after they were in bed, and just the two of us would hang out, and it would just be intentional time watching TV or watching a movie or something or just talking.

Um, but I love those little things.

He sometimes leaves notes for me around the house or in the car.

He'll text me during the day just letting me know he's thinking about me.

And it might sound kind of strange, but in a way, it makes me even feel safe in our relationship, just knowing that he's still thinking about me, even when I'm not around.

And I'm just thankful for that.

So, guys, I'm helping you out.

This is something that I love.

These are little things that he does that just bless me.

But your wife has things that she would also be just as blessed by and would love it for you to do and show her that you love her.

So figure out what those things are if you don't already know.

Have the conversation, set up a time for y'all to hang out.

If it's before kids wake up in the morning, if it's after they go to bed, if it's for a meal during the week, something, there's time for y'all to get together.

But you need to figure this out.

Take the initiative and figure out what any of these things could be.

It could be acts of service if you take out the trash without being asked.

That's huge right now in this season of life when there's just so much going on.

But knowing that Chris would have done something without even being asked to take it off my plate, or um, or even there's sometimes where he'll just say, Is there anything I can help you with today?

Like, I don't know, but I will think of something for sure.

Um, but it's just it's putting the other person first.

And sometimes I even tell myself, I don't know if I want to ask him that question because I don't want to know if I really want to do what he's gonna ask me to do.

But um, but it's just putting the other person first above your hobbies, your friends, your work, the kids' stuff.

And it's just making them a priority and just showing them that this is not gonna go down and this isn't as good as it's gonna it's gonna get.

We're trying to move forward.

Last thing I want to mention, some of you may be struggling and you don't feel like a team.

Honestly, we've we've been kind of blown away by the response so far, even of the first message.

And uh it was a lot of folks that are struggling and that that want to get better, they kind of find themselves in that okay place, and they feel like maybe God's got something even more for them.

Uh, we've also heard from some folks who this is just a painful topic.

Uh, bringing up marriage because maybe you aren't married anymore because of a loss, or maybe because of divorce, or or perhaps for some of you, you want to be married and you aren't.

And so we we we know that this is this is a difficult thing, and I think I would point whatever scenario and situation that you may find yourself in, I think I'd point you to 1 Peter 3, verse 5, which says this Sarah put her hope in God.

1 Peter 3:5

I just want to encourage you today.

If you're struggling, if you're frustrated, if you feel like things are not the way you wanted or desired them to be, put your hope in God.

Hillary and I can give you testimony after testimony after testimony of a leaderless husband who we prayed alongside of that wife and asked that God would do something, and it was hard and it was difficult and it was not quick, but God did something in the midst of that husband, and they're experiencing an incredible, fruitful relationship right now.

He can do miracles.

I'm telling you, we've walked with couples along the way where you've got a wife who may have been abused or may have had situations in the past that cause her to see any type of leadership with suspicion, and so therefore, a husband is trying to step out and do what he feels like God's called him to do, and it's just met with rejection and constant, constant uh undermining, and it's not met with embracing.

And we've just told a man, you stay faithful, you stay faithful, and God has done a work in her life, and their marriage and their kids are different because of it.

I just go back to the phrase of Ronnie Floyd when he preached here earlier this year uh about fasting, and he said this phrase, and I think it applies so much to marriage.

God can do more in a moment than you could ever do in a lifetime.

God could do more in a moment than you could ever do in a lifetime.

And so some of you don't need to grab the reins and figure out how to go make it work.

Some of you need to put your hope in God and trust that God can do more in a moment than you could ever do in a lifetime.

Hope in God if you've got an unbelieving spouse.

Hope in God if you don't have a spouse.

You did, but now things have happened, and tragedy or divorce, or whatever it may be, and now you find yourself at a place where this is a hard message to hear.

Put your hope in the Lord.

Put your hope in the Lord, the Lord can bring healing to your heart.

Maybe you're here today and you need to hope in God for a leaderless husband.

I'm telling you, this passage was written for you.

And it's not saying it's gonna be easy, but it is saying God's gonna be faithful.

So you can put your hope in Him, hope in God for help to love your wife the way that Christ loved the church.

I do know this, in order for your marriage to feel like a team, it's gotta be centered, it's gotta be based with Christ as the foundation.

Would you bow your heads and close your eyes for me?

If you're here and you don't know Jesus, can I just tell you it's the number one thing you need to do in order to improve your marriage, in order to improve any relationship you would have.

You can't do life the way God designed it without a relationship with God in the first place.

You can't do marriage the way that God designed it if you don't have a relationship with the creator of marriage and the creator of you.

So today, let me plead with you to give your life to Jesus.

Receive His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness, His love.

If that's you today, I want to ask you to pray this prayer with me.

Just say these words right where you are, dear God.

I want to know you.

I want you to be the foundation of my life.

You can be the foundation of any relationship that I have.

I believe you died on the cross for me.

I believe you rose from the dead.

Right now, receive your gift of eternal life.

You save me.

Forgive me, change me.

Continue to keep your heads bowed and your eyes closed.

If you just prayed that prayer with me, here's what's about to happen in just a moment.

Our team is gonna be up front and in the front of the service, and they're gonna be on the sides as well.

I just want to invite you to come forward and tell someone about your decision.

We want to celebrate with you.

We want to give you some resources, we want to get some information from you.

We believe you just made the most important decision you'll ever make in your life.

And the Bible says that there is a party going on in heaven greater than any reception of any wedding.

Because you just got added to the kingdom.

We want to be a part of celebrating that with you today.

So, in just a moment, I'm gonna ask you to come forward.

Some of you need to come and join United City Church.

We believe that the Bible tells us that every single person needs a physical home.

We believe everybody needs a spiritual home.

So if you want to make United City Church your spiritual home, would you come and would you lead the way today?

I firmly believe your coming.

It's gonna help encourage, inspire others.

Others need to be baptized.

Man, I just absolutely love days like today when our church gets to experience the testimony of baptism because every single one of those people has a story.

Every single one of those people has a testimony of how God changed their life.

And maybe you're here today and you just came to watch somebody else being baptized, but you would say, Man, honestly, I know that's my next step.

I've already given my life to Jesus, but I've never followed through in baptism.

Would you come today and would you let us schedule your baptism?

I believe there's others though that need prayer.

Man, I'm just telling you, I hope that you hear every single word and syllable that we have said to you today under a covering and a cloud of grace, not in judgment, but instead out of a desire for you to experience God's best for your life, for your relationships, for your marriage.

And we just know that when we talk about stuff like this and we kind of paint the picture of the ideal that we're trying to aim for, it might bring up some hurt because it's not really where your experience is.

And so some of you are hurting in your marriage.

You're struggling in your relationships.

You find yourself at a place where you would say, honestly, I just need help.

I need prayer.

I need someone to come alongside.

And we just want to do that right now.

So I'm gonna ask no one be looking around, but if you're here today and you would say, Man, I just need somebody to pray for me for my marriage, for my relationship, would you just lift your hand up really high so that Hillary and I can see it?

Would you just do that for us, please?

Just lift your hand up.

See you guys back there in the back.

Absolutely.

Right over here, I see you, and I see you right there.

Who else?

I'll see you back here.

Hillary and I looking all over this room.

We're just seeing folks who want to pray for you.

Give us the chance to do that.

Hilary, would you just pray for all of these that have their hands lifted up as we pray and ask God's blessing on them?

Dear Heavenly Father, we just come before you today.

We thank you, we love you.

We just thank you for every single one of these couples in here, Lord.

I just pray that you would just speak to the wives and just give them the discernment to submit to their husbands, but first and foremost that they would submit to you and just care more about their relationship with you and serving you and pleasing you than they do even about their own looks and what they do.

Lord, I just pray for the husbands, Lord, just raise them up to be leaders and men of just that seek after you first and foremost, and um just that make it easy for their wives to submit and to follow them.

We just love you and we praise your son Jesus' name.

Amen.

Amen.

Would you stand up?

And as you stand, our team is up front and they're on the sides as God is leading.

You to respond.

I want to ask that you step out and you come right now.

You don't wait.

You come as God is giving you to come.

Come on.

Who else?

Come on.

Don't wait, just die.

Praise God for these who've come.

We just want you to know this, church.

I want you to feel again we're with you, we're for you.

We want to equip you and resource you, re-engage as an incredible group that you can be a part of on Wednesday nights that is designed to help you in your relationships.

But can I tell you the best thing we've discovered is just get into a group.

Just be into another group with other people that are also trying to pursue Jesus.

And it's amazing what just the mutual support and encouragement of each other can do as you begin to pursue the Lord.

Let me encourage you to take that next step in every single way.

And then also, men, download this podcast.

It's designed to help you on your commute.

It's designed to help you while you're working out.

Whatever you find yourself, it gives you the opportunity to be able to be poured into so that you can be a better man and step up the ways that God is leading and directing you in your lives.

Hey, last thing real quick before we are dismissed.

You've heard me mention this quite a bit, but because of our capacity and the growth that we're experiencing as a church, we're about to make some major changes to our worship center.

I'm just gonna go ahead and throw it out there.

June 2nd is when we're going to three services.

June 2nd is when we're gonna be going to three services, which is pretty cool, pretty exciting.

We're about to build stadium seating in this worship center.

We're gonna expand the center section first, be a big, huge wall, and we'll do that, and then we'll once that's up, we'll do the sides as well.

It's gonna require us to go to three services immediately on June 2nd.

And so uh just curious, how many of you, the service by the way, is 8:30, 10, and 11:30.

This is an unofficial survey.

You may have not talked about it, and I don't want to get anybody in trouble with their families in the midst of how you respond to this, alright?

Just curious.

How many of you think you might go to 8:30?

Would you raise your hands?

Okay, that's a big adjustment.

That's cool.

How many of you think you'll go to 10 o'clock?

Raise your hands.

And how many of you think you're gonna go to 11:30?

Okay, some of you, are you gonna come to church anymore?

You didn't raise your hands at all.

That was awkward.

Okay.

Uh here's what I would simply say.

We need you to, at minimum, attend one, serve one.

Attend one, serve one.

Some of you are like, well, I already have a group.

Can you attend one, serve one, and go to your group?

That's great.

That's what it means.

It means you got all three, alright?

But here's what I'm gonna ask.

If you've already completed Grow Track and you're not currently serving, or you already are, but can serve in an additional hour, I want to ask that you sign up for that QR code and let us know.

If you've not been to Growth Track, then you need to go to GrowTrack in order to become a member and to serve at the United City.

And that takes place at 10 o'clock every week in the Grow Track room.

And so I just want to encourage you to go there to Growth Track and be a part of that so that you can help serve.

We need people primarily in one of three areas: first impressions, in preschool, or in kids' ministry.

That's where we need the most amount of help.

We want to make sure that we can continue to facilitate as much growth as possible as we move forward and grow.

Thank you guys so much for being here.

Let's give it up for Hillary.

Thank you for channeling us today.

Thank you all for being here.

Y'all have a good day.

Wow, what an amazing message we got to hear this morning.

I hope the Lord showed himself to you in a fresh, new way.

Hey, if you made a decision today to follow Jesus or a decision for Christ, we would love to process that with you.

And so text the word next to 55498, and someone from our team will be more than happy to reach out and process that with you.

If you missed the message or you missed a note or two and you want to go back, don't worry.

We've got the option for that as well.

It's going to be available on Spotify as well as Apple Music.

This has been an amazing morning.

We love you guys so much, and we hope to see you next week.

Bye bye.