What Are We? | Pastor Chris Kouba

Uh on May 3rd, we're gonna have our marriage night from 6 to 8 p.m.

You don't want to miss this if you're dating, if you're engaged, if you're married, it's gonna be a great night together.

Uh, Jared Stevens, my best friend, is coming over from Champion Forest.

He and his wife Debbie are gonna be pouring into us about marriage.

And then Hillary and I are gonna join them for a little panel.

We got some fun things planned for the night.

It is gonna be a lot of fun.

You don't want to miss it.

So make sure to sign up and register for our marriage night coming up in just a few weeks.

Grab your Bibles, open them up to Song of Solomon chapter one.

Song of Solomon chapter one is where we're gonna be spending a little bit of time today.

We started a series last week called Song of Us, and I was told that I know of six couples who broke up last week.

I think that's a huge win, all right?

Like that's a big deal.

One was engaged, like that's crazy.

All right.

Now, here's what I would tell you.

That's a good thing because if you're not supposed to be dating in the first place, it's better to figure it out right now, all right?

And to make those decisions before it's too late.

Now, I'm hoping the topic today is dating, that I can maybe put some new couples together.

All right.

That's kind of my goal as well in the midst of all of this.

So I'm not just celebrating those who broke up, although I will say this.

I think we need a lot more breakups.

I'm just gonna throw that out there, all right?

There's a lot of people in wrong relationships trying to shove it in and make it work, and you're not, it's not what you need to be doing.

You instead need to do it God's way, which is what we're gonna learn about today.

Um, Hillary and I met our freshman year at Bailey University, and uh I was in a freshman leadership organization.

She was in another freshman leadership organization, and we were having a mixer of those two groups together.

Uh at that at that particular mixer deal, I had another person that I had had met that was there, and I was trying to get to know people in the other organization.

And so I was kind of, who's that person?

Who's that person?

And then I saw Hillary and I was like, okay, I want to get to know her.

And honestly, I was acting like I was asking about other people, but I didn't care whatsoever about the other people.

All I really cared about was I wanted to see her.

And so I did what any normal guy would do.

I yelled really loudly, who's that girl right over there?

She was like a table over from me, so so loud that she could hear me.

And they were like, Oh, that that that's Hilary Haynes.

And so I was like, Oh, I want to I want to talk to her.

And so afterwards, I went and we started talking and we kind of hit it off, and things were really, really well.

And so we decided we would go hang out.

And so, guess what we did?

We hung out and then we hung out again, and then we hung out again, and then we hung out again, and then I said, Hey, I want to ask you on a date.

And so I took her out on a date, and then I thought the date went great.

She seemed to think the date went great, so I asked her out on another date.

And so then in the late 90s, this is a big deal at Bailey University.

I don't know if it still is today, but it was a big deal at that time.

You had to at that point have a DTR.

You ever heard of a DTR?

Define the relationship conversation, okay?

This is when you have to say, What is this?

Like, what are we doing here?

All right.

It was that conversation where you're kind of like saying, Hey, I like you.

Do you like me?

All right, and I want to date you.

Now, this is where things get really complicated, okay?

Because I came from a background in high school where I dated all the time.

Like I was always in a relationship, and I like had a couple of long-term relationships.

Looking back, it was the stupidest thing that I've ever done.

All right, it was so dumb.

All right, but that was just totally my normal.

Like it was just natural that you dated someone.

Hillary, on the other hand, never dated anybody, okay?

She instead had a lot of great guy friends.

In fact, some of her best friends she would say were guys.

So here I am hanging out with her, spending time with her, and in her mind, she's thinking, this is exactly what it looked like in high school.

And so there's no reason to have any kind of weird labels and clarifications and said, No, here's the deal.

How could you turn that down, right?

Like I was on my game, late 90s, right?

This was the good stuff.

You can see why I was interested in her, and then here I am coming and being like, I'm laying it all out there, like, hey, what do you think?

Let's go, and I want to date you.

And she told me no.

So I did what any self-respecting man would do.

And I ignored it and kept pursuing her like it didn't happen, all right?

So I just kept going after her, all right, and kept trying to pursue her, and sure enough, kept hanging out, and we kept spending time together.

And so then a couple weeks later, I had my second DTR, and I got told no.

And then a third DTR, and then a fourth DTR, and then a fifth DTR, then a sixth DTR.

I know what you're thinking.

You're a loser, all right?

But I'm telling you, I just couldn't take no for an hour into this girl.

Like, I liked her, I wanted to be with her, I wanted to spend time with her.

I just needed her to be convinced of the same thing.

And I remember going into the seventh DTR, and it was like the very end of my freshman year, and I was like, this is it.

Like, if she doesn't get with the program here, I am gone.

I just I can't do it to my heart.

I'm too into this girl for me to be able just to hang out and be friends and be the best guy friend she's got.

I instead am all in and I went and laid it all out there, and she told me no again.

I went home from from uh my freshman year, went back uh in here in Houston, had a job down here, and I get a call two weeks after the school semester was over, and she tells me, Hey, I think I actually do like you, and I wanted to see if you could get back together.

And so, of course, I'm a man.

I stung my I stun my ground, right?

Nope.

Okay, I'm back.

And then all of a sudden, you know, immediately I'm back together and we started dating right away.

All right, we did it all the way through college, and two weeks after we graduated Bailey University, we got married June 1st, 2002.

This is a picture of the picture because we didn't even have digital photos at the time.

This is just uh what they printed out, and so this is us on our wedding day.

And now, fast forward this coming year, we will be celebrating 24 years of marriage, four kids later.

God has been so good.

He's been really, really good.

Now, why was that dating thing so confusing?

Like, I don't really think the issue was the fact that we were like bad people.

I don't even think the issue was the fact that that we didn't really understand dating.

The problem was what I thought dating was and what she thought dating was were two totally different things.

And what we're gonna find out today from the scriptures, I don't think either one of us were right.

Like in my mind, I was thinking dating is just kind of what you do after you've been hanging out for a little bit.

It's just how it works.

Like it's just kind of the thing, next thing you sort of fall into.

Whereas Hillary at least had a lot more protection of it, but in her mind, it was something that felt so big and so weighty, she just thought, well, it's just fun to be hanging out.

I don't want to have to be exclusive on this.

And so therefore, we both kind of had these different impressions.

And I believe if you begin to think about it today, dating is just confusing.

Like it's just overwhelming at times.

In fact, we did on for a young adult service on Tuesday night, we actually did a little panel uh that you can post.

It's it's there on the the tap tag as well.

Uh, and we're gonna send it out this week on social media.

Like we didn't get to answer all the questions last week that we know are gonna come up and that are probably gonna come up this week about dating.

And so we just did a whole panel where we just answered questions, and one of the main things that we began to talk through was just how confusing dating is these days.

But thank God we've got a book in the Bible that walks us through how to do relationships.

It tells us who we should be attracted to, it tells us how we're supposed to go about dating, it tells us what it looks like to then actually date.

What does the dating relationship look like?

What does it look like for the marriage, sex, conflict, all of these things all found in the book of Song of Solomon?

And it's important that we approach the idea of dating with intention and vision, not vibes.

Because most people just kind of like fall into it and do whatever they saw somebody else do.

And what we want to do is what God tells us is the most important way to do it.

We don't want to follow the culture's guide to dating.

Let me show you what that looks like.

Here's the culture's guide to dating.

The most important thing that takes place in a relationship is going to be your sexual attraction to another person.

That's what the world will tell you.

And the word intimacy here, we're gonna see in just a moment, actually has a much different definition.

We're gonna see what God begins to say about it.

But for us, for the purposes right now, I want the word intimacy to represent the physical aspect of a relationship, both what you look and what you see, and what you do with each other.

Whenever you make this the foundation of a relationship, what happens is you end up sleeping with someone that you don't even know.

You begin to push past physical boundaries, even though you've never really spent time with that person.

This is what happens whenever you begin to see about whether you have sexual energy with each other, but you don't even know their middle name.

And when you build a relationship upon this, this becomes primary.

And what ends up happening is it's a foundation that's gonna be very, very difficult to sustain.

What happens next is you begin to think through, okay, well, I've slept with this person, I've I've already been with this person, so now I've got to decide, well, well, do we actually do I kind of do we have any kind of spark?

We've got sexual spark in the bedroom, but do we have any spark in terms of our actual relationship?

And here's what I would tell you you will lie to yourself.

You want to know why?

Because you've already done something physically with them.

So you begin to deceive yourself as to whether you've got real chemistry, and you don't even really know what it looks like because it's all based upon intimacy, sex in the bedroom.

It's not based upon relationship.

And then here's what happens, okay?

You've you you realize, okay, I think there maybe is something here.

And then you realize, well, I'm not gonna have sex all day, and so therefore, I've got to spend time with this person.

They kind of want to hang out.

I guess now I'll really spend my time in reality and see, do we even really like kind of being with each other?

And then here's what I see all the time you got a couple that doesn't like some things about another couple, or you or uh one person doesn't like something about another person, or vice versa, but they lie to themselves.

Why?

Because the sex is too good, because they've already crossed the boundaries in their physical relationship, and so because of that, they begin to convince themselves that this is good and this is a good, this is a this is a thing that I enjoy when the reality is you don't like it at all.

But the problem is that what are you supposed to do about the shame and the guilt you feel about this?

And it like locks couples into being so awful to each other.

Why?

It's because they built themselves on the wrong foundation to begin with.

And then what does that happen once you figure out, okay, well, I guess I can be around them for a little bit.

Well, now I'm gonna bring my people around me.

I'm gonna bring all the circle, I'm gonna introduce them to my friends.

And then what happens is the friends come in and they begin to say, you know, I'm not positive that this person is actually best for you.

But you know what?

Because you're so far down the road, you don't listen to them, you just get new friends.

And you isolate yourself from everybody else.

Or maybe you bring them in front of your parents, and your parents are basically forced to figure out how to make this work.

Why?

Because you brought them in so late in the game, it's not like they could speak into it.

It's not like they could watch and observe and tell you whether it's a good or bad thing.

Instead, you're so far down the road, you're basically now saying, Hey, mom and dad, I want you to meet the person who I think we got something going here.

I think we're gonna get married soon.

And then what happens?

Oh, we're gonna plan a wedding.

Oh, we got to have a pastor do the wedding.

That's when I get involved.

Then I get people that call me and they're like, hey, we're already living together, uh, we're already with each other, we've even got a kid together, or maybe we've done all these things physically together.

And so, do you think maybe that you could do a wedding service for us?

And here's the thing you're calling me way too late.

You're calling me way too late.

If you just want God, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, if you just want God to put a little fairy dust on top of what you've already done, here's what's gonna happen.

It's already happening, all right?

It's gonna crater.

Folks, I need you to know this.

What I just described is how some of you have been doing relationships all up to this point.

You've got the thing so bent out of shape, what you're realizing is the moment the sex isn't great, nothing else to stand on.

Because you've built it the wrong way.

Do not follow the culture's normal.

You don't want to be normal.

Normal is screwed up.

What we instead want to do is build it the way that God says, and He's given us an entire path of how to build out a relationship that allows there to be a beautiful ending because it's been built on the right foundation.

Let's talk this through, okay?

First one is I've got to build it with the building block of faith.

I've got the building block of faith.

I want you to look at Song of Solomon chapter one.

Let's pick up the reading in verse eight.

What I want you to notice in my Bible, it shows the headings and it shows the different speakers.

I told you there's three different speakers in the Song of Solomon.

There's the girl, there's the guy, and there's the girlfriends.

Okay?

What we see is that the guy speaks for the very first time in verse eight.

He says, If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds' tents.

There's a lot of imagery in Song of Solomon, so sometimes it can be confusing.

Let me explain what this looks like, okay?

What he's saying is that hey, if you want to come hang out with me, then you gotta go where I am at.

And where I'm at is I'm gonna be around where all of the shepherds are doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

And we know that the shepherds were primarily sent out from the temple.

What he's saying is, I'm hanging out with God's people.

So if you want to be where I am, then what I want to tell you, I would love to hang out with you, but you're gonna have to come find me at a place where I'm gonna be, and I'm gonna be around people that are gonna be God's people.

Look at verse 9.

One of the most interesting compliments in all of the Bible.

I compare you my love to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.

He's saying, You throw my life into beautiful chaos, like you make me crazy in a good way.

Like I just, I I long to be around you, and I long to be with you, and you just like you have all of Pharaoh's chariots, and you got this mare that comes along, and it's just like that's all I can focus on, is that mayor right there.

That's essentially what he's saying there, meaning this, ladies, if your man comes up to you and's like, babe, you look like a beautiful mare, he's not insulting you, he's complimenting you.

I just want you to know that, okay?

Here's what you can't miss though.

You you miss it in the Hebrew.

The first word used to address her is the word my love, the Hebrew word ra'a.

It means companion or friend.

It's a relational word, not a physical word.

Before any mention of her appearance, he's like, I want to be friends with you.

Like I want to hang out with you.

Like I want to get to know you.

He's not sizing her up from the moment that he sees her, he's instead inviting her into a relationship where he's already at, which is hanging out with people who love Jesus, who love the Lord.

Look at what it says next, verse 10.

Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels.

He's not speaking in generalities, he's naming specific things about her.

A man who has faith and character is somebody who is going to be able to speak specific things that he sees in another woman because he's noticed who she is, not just what she looks like.

He's not describing her uh physically, he's describing who she is as a person.

Now, it's so important that you don't just assume this faith block.

So many times, what I see is that somebody who likes another person will ask them to come to church, and because they said yes to come to church, and because they have their own Bible, and because they're able to answer some basic interrogating questions, we assume that somehow this box is checked off.

That is not how it works.

If someone is saying yes to come to church with you and they're coming for a few weeks with you, please know they're into you, not necessarily Jesus.

So don't deceive yourself.

I'm not saying it's bad, I think it's great, but we talked about it last week.

One of the biggest dangers is the flirt to convert things.

And what ends up happening is you're too far down the road, and guess what?

Now all of a sudden, instead of you running after Jesus, you're running after the person who said they were running after Jesus, but we're really running after you.

And so you've got to make sure this is not just a box to check.

How do you know then?

I want to know by watching how does their faith express itself when I'm not around.

We talked about it last week.

We said that the woman praised the man because his name is like oil poured out.

He has a good reputation, he has a fragrance that when he leaves the room, it leaves an image, and not a bad image, but a good image.

It's speaking to his reputation, it's speaking to his character, it's speaking that this faith thing isn't just because he's into her, this faith thing is because he's into God.

And so, therefore, I don't just want to assume, well, there must they they like going to church with me, so they must be fine.

I can move on to the next part.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What I'm begging for you to do is to run hard after Jesus and make that the single focus of your life.

And don't look back and around, and instead you just look to the side, one way to the left, left or right.

And if one of those people are there, you wave at them and say, Hey, would you want to come this too?

And maybe you begin a relationship.

But you do not stop for that person that's in the back, or you do not wait for the person going this direction because what's gonna happen?

You're gonna have to change course in order to get there.

Make sure, single folks here, this is a solid block in your life.

The most important question you can be asking is not who should I date, but instead, am I running hard after Jesus?

This is what I must make sure is primary in my life.

Now, when that is the case, then what next happens is then you're gonna begin to see, okay, well, what does my support system say about this relationship?

What do they think about this situation that I find myself in?

The circle.

Look at what it says in verse uh 11.

It shifts pronouns there.

Uh it says, We will make for you ornaments of gold studded with silver.

It's the we.

This is the girlfriend speaking.

And what it's saying is these daughters of Jerusalem, the community of friends around her, they're already invested, they're already involved, they're already wanting to contribute to what is happening between these two people.

The community is not on the outside here, the community is on the inside, which bears the question: who is in your circle?

If you have people in your circle and this is their not their foundation, they are gonna likely tell you things that you want to hear, or you're gonna get rid of them out of your circle.

And we know the scripture says very clearly that one of the most important aspects of a godly foundation when it comes to the people around you is wise counsel.

Wise counsel means this: sometimes they encourage you, and sometimes they tell you, What are you doing?

Stop doing that.

So you want to bring people around.

Hey, what do you think about this?

What do you think about her?

What do you think about him?

What does this look like?

It's so important that we realize it's vital that you are asking, what is my circle of people and are they from a godly foundation?

Meaning this, for some of you in this room, you do not need to be asking who do I need to be dating?

You need to be asking what group should I be a part of.

That's the most important thing in your life right now.

Because at the end of the day, you're you're gonna you're gonna be allowing all of the other things that go along to shape what that relationship looks like, instead of allowing the community, which also, by the way, includes godly family, godly parents, godly folks around them.

Some of you are like, Well, I don't have godly family, I don't have godly parents.

That's the beauty of the church.

It's because you allow it to be the family that you didn't have, and they get to come alongside and they get to support you and encourage you and ask you tough questions, but also ask you exciting questions.

Tell me how it's going.

What does this whole look thing look like?

And it's so important that you invest in these relationships because what you want to do is make sure that you are living in such a way, because guys, I talked to you about this last week.

When you drop her off, like you're she's going inside and she's got a whole group of girls waiting to hear every detail about the day.

All right, which means this it's not just about what you do in front of her, it's also who you are when you're not with her.

Same thing goes for girls as well.

I want to make sure that the community is bought in and it's active and everything that's taking place.

Then, in fact, let me show you this picture real quick.

Take a look at this.

When you get married, this is what you want.

This is our groomsman, and this is our bride uh bridesmaids at our wedding.

I can tell you stories about each and every one of those guys and how they shaped who I was on that day.

These are guys that challenged me.

These are guys that rebuked me at times, these are guys that encouraged me, these are guys that watched this whole relationship form with Hillary.

These are guys that along the entire way were there.

Hillary has the same thing with a bunch of these girls, with all of these girls.

And so, therefore, as a result of that, on our wedding day, they stood a row of guys this way and a row of girls this way, and they were cheering on what they were getting to experience.

That's what you want.

Please hear me.

You can't have that when you built the thing on sex to begin with.

It instead comes out of a relationship with the Lord that then leads to a circle of people.

Let me show you what the next one is.

Once I decide that, okay, they seem like they're great, they seem to hold up, people like them.

I want to just spend some time around them and I want to ask do we kind of like like hanging out with each other?

It's one thing to like love each other really, really early, and I want to tell you that I love you.

That sounds great.

Easy, anybody can do that.

But do you actually like each other?

That's also very important for you to figure out.

Look at what it says in verse 12.

It goes back to her speaking.

While the king was on his couch, my My nard gave forth its fragrance.

Here's what that means.

That means whenever he's at home sitting on his couch, he still smells like her.

Look at what it says in verse 13.

My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh that lies between my breasts.

The sachet of myrrh was worn close to the body.

And so the warmth of the skin would slowly release the fragrance throughout the day, meaning this when she's sitting away from him, she smells like him.

What does this show us?

This shows us that they like spending time with each other and their fragrance wore off on each other.

Which bears the question.

Whenever you're around the person that you're trying to date, do you smell better than you did before when you're with them?

How about this?

What will her life or his life look like and smell like from having been near you?

Will she smell like security because you communicated clearly, guys?

Will he smell like purity because you set and held boundaries?

Or will they smell like something worse?

Even if it doesn't work out, it should be said of you that you smell better because you dated.

Why?

Because you have this relationship and you don't have all these expectations yet.

You instead are building in on faith, wrapped around their friends, and now we're just hanging out, spending time together.

Look at what it says next in verse 14.

It says her speaking.

It says, My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of Vengeti.

Then he steps in and says, Behold, you are beautiful, my love.

Behold, you are beautiful.

Your eyes are doves.

Verse 16, she comes back and says, Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful.

Here's what this is.

You're the best.

No, no, you're the best.

No, you're the best.

You're the best.

It's this back and forth stuff that just makes us nauseous when we see couples that have it.

But when you're in the middle of it, it's the best.

It's the best.

You see, too often I have this situation even happen now.

I've got couples that come into my office and maybe they're struggling and they've been married for a while, and now all of a sudden they're struggling.

And I'll say, take me back to what it is that attracted you to your husband, or attracted you about your wife.

Like, walk me through.

Like, I'm not talking about the sex.

I'm not talking about all the stuff you guys do and the chores.

I want to know when you guys were just hanging out, what is it that you liked hanging out with them about?

What did that look like?

It's so important that there's this mutual back and forth admiration and communication.

No one's hiding anything.

Everyone is clear, it's open, it's not hidden behind codes or streaks or response times.

Like it's just out in the open.

I think this about you.

Well, I think this about you.

I think this about you.

And back and forth it goes.

Look at what happens next.

The end of verse 16.

Our couch is green.

The beams of our house are cedar.

Our rafters are pine.

Many commentators would think that he's not necessarily talking about the building of a home.

He's actually talking about an outdoor picnic.

And that literally these rafters are the trees as they're sitting underneath a tree with the blanket out on the grass having an outdoor picnic.

What I believe this image is trying to portray is that what you see is they're experiencing their reality out in the open, not in a private room.

They're not behind closed doors.

They're outside in the open in the light.

You cannot accurately determine the reality of whether you like someone or not in their apartment at 1 a.m.

The way that you will determine what real reality is is out in the open for all to see, you're seeing their highs and their lows.

You're seeing how they act when it's fun and you're seeing how they act when it's boring.

Because that's what life is like.

But too often what happens is when we build it on the wrong foundation and it's all been about the bedroom, then guess what?

Everything has to be secretive and everything has to be quiet and all this shame that goes along with it.

And you're then you begin to wonder, do I even like you in the light of day?

I like you when the lights are turned off, but I don't know if I like hanging out with you.

Please hear me.

You can have sex a whole lot.

You ain't having that much sex.

There's a whole lot of day left.

And you've got to decide, do I like being with them?

Not just do I love them, do I like them?

Hillary jokingly has said many times that she says I've been married to three different people in my 24 years of marriage, is what she would say.

All right.

She says that I've changed.

Now she's, I would say this, she's also changed, but can I also tell you, that's what makes it so much fun?

Is because guess what?

I'm still getting to learn her.

I'm still getting to figure, and I genuinely like her.

Like I like being around her, like hanging out with her.

Like if I had all the choices of who to hang out with, it'd be her.

And that's because we built this thing on such a way where we knew that was the case before we had anything else complicated, and all of a sudden put pressure on it that didn't need to exist.

Let me tell you the next one.

Uh let me just mention this real quick.

It's so important, there's a big difference between being intentional and being intense.

Like intensity shows up with overwhelming feelings and saying everything without actually saying the one thing that matters.

But intentionality says, hey, here's how I feel, here's what I want.

I'm not leaving you guessing.

When there's a lack of intentionality on your part, there becomes insecurity on their part.

Guys, if you like her enough to spend time with her, then you should like her enough to tell her that.

Like, don't just ghoster, but respond quickly.

When you want to make things official, tell her.

And when you know that it's not moving towards marriage, end it with clarity instead of being cold.

Ambiguity is not mysterious, it's selfishness dressed up in caution.

Girls, you need to be clear about your intentions.

If you know after the first date that this is a good guy, but he's not your guy, then the kindness will tell him that.

Dating shouldn't be so weird that you can't be friends after it.

It doesn't mean you have to be friends, but it means you have a relationship where you could be friends.

Why?

Because you built it on the right foundation.

It's not one of shame, it's instead one of we just were we were trying this thing out to see what it would look like, and we decided it wasn't for us.

Look at what happens next is chemistry.

It's chemistry.

Look at chapter two, verse one.

What you begin to see is a big shift take place.

What you see is her speaking.

She says, I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.

Remember last week we said that she said, I'm not all that pretty because I really haven't been able to take care of myself because I have to be outside working all the time.

And so I'm I'm dark complexed.

I want to be able to, I'm not able to freshen myself up.

And now, guess what?

All of a sudden, now she's no longer insecure.

She's saying, I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.

What has happened?

Because of the foundation she built it on, now all of a sudden, what the guy is speaking into her, she's now beginning to own as her own reality, which is dangerous, but mainly beautiful.

If you flip it around and you're trying to all of a sudden, he's just saying whatever he needs to in order to get to do this, you're gonna also believe those things, and they may or may not be true.

But instead, if I know who I am in the Lord, and then a guy affirms that, praise God for that.

But if a guy begins to tell me something opposite of this, because my life is built on this, then I'm not gonna believe what he's saying, I'm gonna believe what God has said.

And that's what's true about me.

Folks, in the same way a woman can have life to a man.

Whenever she speaks things into him, and I believe what takes place is whenever I realize I'm spending time together, there just begins to be this chemistry where man, I just feel so much more confident when I'm with you.

Like I love being around you.

Look at what it says, he speaks up in verse two, as a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women.

He's saying, You are a lily among thorns.

Like every other woman out there is like a thorn.

But like with you, like you are special, and I feel special when I'm with you.

Look at verse three, she responds, as an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.

With great delight I sat in his shadow and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

He's saying, she's saying, he is rare, shade-giving, worth sitting under.

He speaks to her in security and gives her confidence.

Please hear me.

Don't allow a man to say something opposite of what God says.

But if you allow a man, ladies, to speak what God has already said, you see that as a gift from the Lord.

Like you allow yourself to walk in that truth.

But please notice, he's not pressuring her to go to this.

He's just walking along and realizing, like, man, I just am into you.

Like, I really, really like you.

Look at what she says.

He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.

He's not hiding her, he's not keeping his options open.

His banner over her publicly, he's open with it, is love.

The way you treat a person can change them, but also you're either building somebody up or you're tearing them down.

There's no neutral ground.

What I've discovered is as you walk in this progression, even as a married couple, what you begin to see is that because there's this chemistry that is there, that the attraction that you have for somebody else intensifies and grows, and you've yet to even do the intimacy yet.

Just because you get to walk this journey with your best friend, you get to walk with somebody who you can laugh at, make fun of, but also you're gonna be awful to at times, and they're gonna be awful to you, and you get the joy of forgiveness and figuring out what that looks like, and as a result of that, it leads to even greater reality and greater chemistry.

Why?

Because it's been founded upon a basis of faith.

This, of course, then leads to the final, which is intimacy.

I want to make sure you know intimacy for sure means sex.

But in this case, it is not speaking about sex.

Look at what it says in verse five.

Sustain me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love.

His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me.

Man, we are like moving in here, all right?

In verse five and six of the emotional and physical peak of everything that's been building.

She is overwhelmed, she is faint with love.

Notice this desire is not the problem.

It's what you do with that desire that becomes the problem.

It's all about being built in the right order.

The question the text is answering is the question of when.

Look at verse 7.

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.

She has security in her relationship and enough clarity about God's design to say, hey, the fireplace is not ready for this fire.

We still have a few chapters before the passion can run wild in chapter four.

But what I want you to see is restraint is not the enemy of desire.

Restraint is the protector of the desire.

Think about the morning after for this couple.

Instead of waking up to somebody that you slept with, that you haven't spent a lot of time around, that none of your family or your friends have ever met, and you feel guilt and you feel shame for this couple, they went to bed, they woke up, and they felt none of that.

They felt joy, they felt commitment, they felt good about their integrity, not only before the Lord, but for each other.

I also want you to notice this the reason why she was able to say, we gotta wait, is because the guy wasn't pressuring her to not wait.

What you instead see is both of them mutually committing.

Hey, I am all about this, but not yet.

And what I want you to see is that the intimacy that they are building is something that sex just gets to be the top benefit and joy and blessing, but it's not all of it.

It's her being able to look at him and saying, I trust you, and you trust me.

I love you, and you love me.

Like I feel safe with you, and you feel safe with me.

I like you, and you like me.

And then what begins to happen is they're experiencing an intimacy with each other that isn't dependent upon physical things, they're experiencing an intimacy with each other that's going to allow a lifetime together of physical things that have depth and meaning and intensity and beauty because that's exactly the way that God has designed it.

Please hear me.

God is not anti-sex, he's just pro-sex more than you could ever imagine in the right order.

He wants you to experience all of the blessing that he has given to you.

He doesn't want you to shortchange and take a piece of it that totally messes it all up.

So, what does this mean?

I know there are a lot of people when you talk about topics like this, it brings shame.

It brings regret.

Maybe some of you are in here and you're single and you're like, man, that did not, that is not how my last relationship looked.

And I'm feeling the consequences of it.

Maybe you're here today and you're just feeling like, man, I just I wanted to be with somebody.

Then the most important thing you can do is run hard after Jesus.

He is all sufficient, he will satisfy.

No man, no girl could ever do what Jesus can do in your life.

You run hard after him.

Maybe you're dating, and one of two things needs to happen.

For some of you, you're dating and you're looking at this and you're like, that is not how we did it.

So for some of you, what you need to do is break up today.

Today.

You need to call it off.

Don't ask for God to sprinkle some blessing on something that at the end of the day you shouldn't be doing in the first place.

For some of you, maybe you've already lived together.

Maybe you've already got a kid together.

You know what you need to do?

You need to get married this week.

Call the office and we will walk with you and we will marry you this week.

Do not ask God to bless something that you're not willing to step out in obedience and do the hard right thing.

If you've got a baby, I met somebody this week, and I got a baby and I'm trying to figure out what to do.

Here's what you need to do.

You need to be the best dad and the best husband to that family that you've already created.

You need to step up and do what God's called you to do.

I'm not saying that being mean.

I'm saying that you do it and you get involved in your local church and let us help you.

Let us help you do it right.

But there's so many of us who instead approach this thing and we're thinking through how can I get God's blessing to do what I've already decided I'm gonna do?

It's not how it works.

Maybe some of you are married and you're like, oh, that might explain why we had such a rough first 15 years of our relationship, and it's not actually great right now.

We didn't do it right.

The book of Joel says this that God can restore the years the locusts have eaten.

Here's what I would tell you.

Then do it right starting today.

Build your relationship on faith.

Give a year of your life to the local church.

Serve, give, do everything you possibly can.

Be there every time the doors open, and what you will discover is the best year of your life, and it'll be the best year of your marriage.

Get around a group and be in godly community with other people.

You both will be changing as God is working in you.

So learn what it's looked like to just hang out with this new person that you're married to.

Allow the chemistry to take place and then the intimacy to continue to build.

God can restore what you may feel like is broken.

So today, what I want to plead with you is to do it right.

Do it the right way.

Would you bow your heads and would you close your eyes all across this room?

Romans 8, 1 says, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Shame and regret is not the purpose of this series.

Grace and mercy are what we want.

But it's going to require you to be honest about where you are and to make a change, to take a step, to respond differently to Him.

Some of you need to receive Jesus and begin that block of faith for the very first time.

You were separated from God by your sin and you could not fix that on your own.

So Jesus came and did what you could not do.

He lived the life that you should have lived.

He died the death that you should have died.

He rose from the grave so that death would not get the last word, and he's now offering you a relationship built on a foundation that will never shift, that will hold your life.

Not rules, not religion, but a relationship with the God who made you, with the God who knows you, with the God who wants you.

In a moment, I'm gonna ask you to come forward and talk to some of our team members here because we want to pray with you until you can leave here knowing that you've got that faith block, not just checked off, but you've got that faith block as a part of your life.

Others of you need to come and join United City Church.

You know this is the place where God has you.

Would you come?

Would you lead the way today?

Maybe others need to be baptized, like these two that we saw.

This is your next step of obedience.

Would you come and let us talk to you about your baptism?

Maybe others of you, maybe a couple needs to come forward and just pray.

Maybe you know, man, I we have not done this the way we're supposed to.

We're not currently living out what we may have started.

Maybe you did do it the right way to begin, but you're not living that way now.

Maybe you need to come and just pray and say, God, would you heal our marriage?

Would you heal our relationship?

Maybe some of you just need to pray with somebody.

Maybe you have a need, a prayer need, a relational need, a financial need.

Whatever it may be, if you've got a need today, would you just let us come alongside and pray with and for you?

Father, I pray that you'd move in these final moments, lead people to yourself.

Give them boldness and courage to respond to you.

It's in the name of Jesus that I pray.

Amen.

Thank you so much for joining us this morning.

We can't wait to see you next week for any of our services at 8 30, 10, 11 30, or Espanol at 1 o'clock.