Why Is Purity Culture Problematic in the Church? | Ask A Pastor Ep. 16

What is up, everybody?

Welcome back to another episode of Ask a Pastor.

So happy to have you back today.

I'm excited about today's topic.

I think today's topic is one that a lot of people, especially on social media and uh the like, ask about, uh talk about, uh, and blame the church for.

Uh, so I think today might be a little bit of a polarizing topic on both sides, on both those that are uh holy religious people and those that feel damaged by the church.

So, you know, today I stand in the middle of the crossfire of the two.

So uh it is okay uh with me to do that because uh unfortunately that's what God has called me to do with this podcast.

Answer the tough questions uh and take friendly fire and enemy fire all at the same time.

Uh, but it's okay today.

So I'm I'm so glad that you have joined us today.

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And I hope that it brings you uh, I hope that it brings you healing, and I hope it brings you hope today.

So today we're gonna be talking about why is purity culture problematic in the church?

Why is purity culture problematic in the church?

So I grew up uh in my youth group days, it was the true love weights days.

Y'all remember those days?

You would make the pledges to not have sex until you're married.

Uh they had the purity rings, they had the purity ceremonies, they had all those things.

Uh and now, well, I don't think that it is bad.

I think everybody in the in the true love weights movement, in the purity culture movement, I think, I think they had the best intentions, but I think the execution may have been wrong.

Now, why is this discussion important?

Because we need to separate biblical purity from purity culture.

The Bible teaches sexual purity.

So hear me today, before you kill me in my comments, the Bible teaches sexual purity.

I'm not saying that it doesn't.

Purity culture often added fear, shame, and legalism to God's design.

So don't reject God's truth because people communicated it poorly.

So I'm also saying to you today, don't reject purity because people executed biblical purity incorrectly.

Because God's design for sexuality is beautiful, it is not shameful.

God's design for sexuality is beautiful, it is not shameful.

And so I hope by the end of this episode uh that you can have some clarity, maybe some healing.

Uh, and you know, it's this is one of these difficult topics um that we deal with in our lives, and especially with what's going on in the news, uh in the church.

Uh, I think this is something that the church needs to be speaking about, uh, and the church needs to be leading the way on this topic.

So I have, let me look how many points I have.

I have six points for you if you're taking notes today.

So let's get into it.

Point number one: God created sex as good.

God created sex as good.

Sorry, the pause was weird.

So Genesis 2, 24 through 25.

It says, Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Now, when I was a young man, I didn't understand this, uh, the naked and not ashamed uh part.

But now that I'm a married man, I completely understand this part.

But notice God invented sex, God invented sex, and notice this was before sin.

So God created sex in marriage before sin ever existed, and Adam and Eve were both naked, and they were not ashamed.

So throughout scripture, Proverbs 5 celebrates marital intimacy.

Song of Solomon is the whole book that talks about desire and celebrates desire within marriage.

Purity culture has often made sex into something dirty or something dangerous.

You know, we we were led to believe sometimes that that every time we had sex we would get pregnant, or every time uh we would have sex, we'd get an S T D.

And it it there was almost, it was sometimes fear-mongering in a way that that made sex feel like something that was it was something that was hurtful, which, yes, sex can be hurtful, uh, but sex in God's design uh is is holy.

Sex is good.

Uh sex is God's gift inside a loving, happy marriage.

So don't confuse something that is sacred and make it into something that is shameful.

Don't confuse something that is sacred and make it into something that is shameful.

Sex is a gift from God to those that are married to bind them together, to bind their hearts uh together.

And I I often something I say as a pastor, and I know the the men will say amen to this, and the women will send me emails.

Uh, but ladies, stop sending me emails and just listen to me.

The more healthy your marriage, I I can tell how healthy a marriage is by how much sex they are having.

I can tell how healthy a marriage is by how much sex they're having.

Anytime I have a marriage counseling uh session, I try to find a way to work that in to see uh to see how how what's working, what's not working.

Uh, and usually I can tell if it's been a long time since they've been intimate with one another that there is a lot of problems that need to be fixed.

And it's because God made sex to be something that binds us together, uh, that binds our hearts together, that helps us be more loving, that helps us to be more patient with one another, it is a gift from God to us.

Number two, grace is greater than performance.

You have to remember that grace is greater than performance.

Romans 3, 23 through 24 says, for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.

Purity culture sometimes taught that your value was tied to your sexual history.

One mistake, uh, so basically, that one mistake would ruin uh God's plan.

You know, it it would it would make it to where you were damaged goods.

Uh, you know, I've heard I've heard illustrations of pastors uh passing around a rose around the room and letting everybody touch it, let everybody and just and then bringing the rose on stage uh and saying how uh damaged the rose is.

You know, imagine imagine how harmful that was to people in the room that had already uh made a mistake at that point.

Basically, we're we're communicating to them that they're damaged goods.

Uh, and the gospel does not teach that.

The gospel teaches us that every person is sinned, that every sinner can be forgiven, and grace is greater than our failure.

That we have to remember that because ultimately we have to understand that our identity is not found in our virginity, our identity is not found in purity rings, our identity is not in our past, but our identity is found in Christ.

Now, listen, this doesn't give us a free reign to go and do whatever we want sexually, but what this helps us understand is if we do have a past, we can be forgiven.

We can be made whole.

God can make us whole and and bring us together with our spouse or our future spouse uh and make it something that is is very beautiful.

Uh marriage is built on trust, marriage is built on love, marriage is built on forgiveness in one another.

And sometimes purity culture made it to where if you made one mistake, uh you could never have the level of marriage that you could ever want.

And that's not the way that God designed it.

So, point number three: shame should never be placed on victims.

Shame should never be placed on victims.

This is one of the greatest failures in purity culture.

Now, I'm not sure that they intended to do this, but I've seen over and over and over and over on social media that a lot of people have felt this.

We must distinguish between chosen sin and sin that is committed against someone.

There is consensual sex and unconsensual sex, and the two are not the same.

Some people are abused, some people are assaulted, some people are manipulated into sex, and yet they carry shame that never belongs to them.

It was an act that was committed against them, it was not something that they did by choice.

Psalm 147.3 says he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Jesus never blamed victims, Jesus always moved towards broken people with compassion.

And so the church should do the same.

And so, guys, I want you, if you're out there and you're listening and and you know, maybe you've been assaulted sexually, maybe you've had some something, a crime done against you.

Uh, I'm not sure what I can actually say on social media and YouTube and the like.

Uh I want you to know that it is not your fault.

God does not hold you to blame for that.

And trust me, it's not something that you have to seek God for forgiveness.

Now, sure, yes, you need to go to God for healing in your heart from that.

And I understand it's very painful, it's very hurtful, but don't think that it's a sin that you've done, that you need uh God to forgive.

Yes, you need God to heal your heart from the hurt that you were inflicted, but God does not look down on you.

In fact, God is near to you, God loves you, and God sees the pain that you are going through.

So don't carry that shame uh that you were never intended to carry.

Point number four, holiness still matters.

Holiness still matters.

Rejecting purity culture does not mean rejecting biblical sexual ethics.

So 1 Thessalonians 4, 3 through 5 says, For this is the will of God, your sanctification, that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each one of you know how to control your own body in holiness and honor, not in passion of lust of Gentiles who do not know God.

God's design for sex has not changed.

I'm here in the 21st century.

This episode's going on in 2026.

Sex belongs in marriage, holiness still matters, obedience still matters.

Why?

Not because God is restrictive, but God is protected.

And so God puts guardrails on things that He wants to uh protect, not prison walls, he puts guards guardrails.

The way, the best way I've heard it, um, um, the best way I've heard it said is is the illustration of a fire.

Everybody loves a good in the winter, you know.

I know I live in Texas and it's 105 outside right now, but everybody loves a good fire.

In the fireplace, when it's cold outside, one of my kids' favorite things to do is put a fire.

And the reason a fire, I mean, it it can be dangerous if it gets outside of the fireplace.

Uh, but the reason is because it it brings warmth, it it brings comfort, uh, and it's protected there in the confines of the fireplace in my house.

But if ever it cut goes outside of the confines of that fireplace, it would burn my whole house down.

And I would have nothing left in my life.

Uh, and sex is the same, can't be the same.

You know, in the confines of marriage, uh, it's warming, it's beautiful, it's it's something that that brings comfort in relationships.

But outside, it can burn your whole house down.

Uh, and if you don't believe me, uh, you you see over and over and over people that have stepped outside the bounds of their marriage and their marriage is over.

And so, you know, sex inside the confines is great.

Sex inside God's design is great.

Uh, outside of it, it can burn your whole house down.

But that doesn't mean uh that you should carry shame, like I've talked about earlier.

Number five, your identity is bigger than your sexuality.

This is something that culture fights against the church.

The identity is bigger than your sexuality.

Listen, we are more than sexual beings.

Purity culture often made marriage the finish line, but the Bible doesn't.

First Corinthians 7 7 says, I wish that all were as myself, but each as his own gift from God, one of or one of one kind and one of another.

Listen, Scripture values marriage.

Scripture values singleness, scripture even values celibacy, and scripture values faithfulness.

Listen, marriage does not complete you.

I think sometimes in the church we've made marriage uh the finish line.

In fact, uh Paul actually says, you know, if you can't control your sexual desires, you should get married.

Uh he's actually talking down to the people that are married.

Paul himself uh was single.

And so I want you to know that marriage doesn't complete you.

Jesus does.

Your greatest identity isn't husband, wife, single, sexually pure.

Your greatest identity is a child of God.

And that's what we ultimately have to get down to.

You know, our culture has started defining everything by sexuality.

Well, I'm I'm heterosexual.

Well, I'm homosexual, I'm this, I'm that, I'm bisexual, I'm this, I'm that.

Really, what we should be defined at as is children of God.

We are not at the core, we have made ourselves, and our culture has boiled us down into sexual beings.

That is not the way God created us.

God created us to be his child.

God created us to first and foremost have our identity in him.

Yes, sex is something that is a part of our our lives, and yes, but it doesn't define who we are.

And number six, replace rule keeping with honor.

Replace rule keeping with honor.

Instead of asking in a relationship, how far can we go?

Ask, how can I honor God and honor this person?

Biblical sexuality is about dignity, respect, self-control, covenant, and love.

First Timothy 5, 2 says, Older women as mothers, younger women as sisters in all purity.

And so notice Paul's emphasis, it's not suspicion, it's not objectification, it is honor in honoring one another.

And we should honor God, we should honor God with our sex, we should honor God with our body, we should honor God with our purity.

Uh, and that's what God calls us to do.

So here's what I want to say today.

If purity culture wounded you, I'm sorry, the church has something, has communicated something that is far different than the grace that Jesus offers.

But don't confuse unhealthy teaching with God's heart.

John 8, 10 through 11 says, Jesus stood up and said to her, Woman, where are they?

Has no one condemned you?

He said, No one, Lord, and Jesus said, Neither do I condemn you.

Go from now on and sin no more.

Notice both sides, grace and truth.

Jesus never lowered God's standards, but he never withheld his mercy.

So the main takeaway today, God created sex is good.

Sex is designed for marriage.

Your worth isn't determined by your sexual history.

Victims should never carry false shame.

Holiness and grace belong together, and your identity is found in Christ, not in your relationship or your sexual past.

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