Parenting On Purpose // Pastor Chuck Colegrove // Sept. 6th

And uh well, listen, I'm ready to preach God's word.

Are you ready to receive it?

The year was 2016.

The twins were finishing third grade, and we've always been a family with a dog or two.

And uh, when the twins were born, we had a little dog, we had to get rid of it because it absolutely went lost its mind when the twins arrived.

That little dog was like, I'm not here for this, I'm out.

And then we had another dog that we brought with us, and that dog did not make it very long on our journey.

She was kind of a problem dog, and we we planted her on a farm out in southern Illinois somewhere, and uh, to God be the glory for that dog.

And then well, I mean, she went to a farm, that's all I'm saying.

We she was adopted.

I didn't say that very well, did I?

Well, anyway, we went a number of years without a dog, and um, and we were always the twins were always asking for a dog, the boys, the big boys were always asking for a dog, and they were like, hey, uh, we want a dog.

And I'd be like, Well, you know what kids always say, if you get a dog, we'll take care of them.

And we were like, Well, I don't know, it doesn't seem like the right time.

And so finally we decided, twins, when you guys go into the fifth grade, we we'll we'll we'll get a dog, we think we'll get a dog.

You'll be ready to help take care of a dog.

So the end of third grade was coming, and we were walking home from school, and the twins had a really good year in the third grade, and I don't remember which one, but one of them was kind of lamenting graduating third grade and moving into fourth grade and being promoted and having to get a new teacher and a new group of students in the class, and so he they were the twin was one of them, I think it was Evan, was going, I I don't want to leave third grade.

I like third grade.

Third grade is my favorite grade, it's been the best grade.

I don't want to, I want to stay in third grade.

And while we were talking about it, Eli had this light bulb moment and he went, Evan, if you stay in third grade, that means there's no fourth grade.

And if there's no fourth grade, you won't get to fifth grade.

And if you don't get to fifth grade, we don't get a dog.

We know who the brains of the family at that moment it was it occurred to me, it's the year I learned who has the brains in our family.

But Evan got so excited he went running past both of us towards the house.

I can't wait for fourth grade.

It's the year I learned you're your kids really do listen, and when you're parenting on purpose, it actually starts to make sense to everybody through every life season that you're facing.

So why don't you turn to your neighbor and say, We're gonna parent on purpose?

And the one you've ignored all service, just look back and say, Let's get to work.

It's week two of our series, uh parenting on purpose.

And if you remember, we've we've been talking about this idea, it was a few weeks ago before student takeover and before small group Sunday.

So just to remind you that the goal of this series is not for any of us to be perfect families.

Because there are no perfect families, and there are no perfect families because there are no perfect parents.

But I'm gonna tell you, I had a realization all throughout this journey that we're on is that not only are there not perfect parents, but there are no perfect kids.

I get a better amen from parents that know.

Our kids are great, but no perfect.

None of us are perfect.

And so the goal is not for us to be perfect, but for us to find purpose.

Not parent purpose, but parent uh parent perfect, but parent purposefully.

And and I would say that remember we talked about before there was ever a church, there was a family.

God's original institution on this earth was a family.

And so it was the idea of a house united and a house on purpose and parents on purpose.

I have some marbles here.

There's a thousand marbles in this container, and a thousand marbles represent all of the weeks of your children's lives from the time they're born until they graduate high school.

So you could take almost 300 marbles, and that would re that would represent from them their birth all the way to being five years old.

It's a lot of marbles.

And then you would have middle school, and then the next 200 of these marbles would represent their high school experience, ninth grade through twelfth grade.

And it probably takes like the first, I don't know, eight to ten weeks for them to figure out how to not get lost on campus, to remember their locker code, to not leave their PE lock undone with their phone in it, so no one will take it.

That's like the first 10 weeks, and then the next 10 weeks gets them to their first midterm in high school, and the pressure of like, wow, these tests are different.

And then about 30 weeks later, they're registering and signing up uh for getting their learner's permit and learning how to drive, and that's when we realize if we have any faith or not.

When Ethan got his permit, we went on a Tuesday.

There was a parent meeting at the high school on Tuesday.

We went and got his permit on Monday, and when we got home, I was like, Well, hey, you got your permit.

Why don't you just drive the truck around the block?

The scariest one block trip of my life.

When we got to the school the next day for the parent meeting, the the director of the driver's ed program said, By the way, parents, if you go get their learner's permit before they spend any time with us, do not let them drive.

I was like, Well, why didn't you have that in the letter?

Like, that would have been good to know before we got the permit.

And then about 140 more weeks in, you're sending your kid off for senior prom, and then they're getting caps and gowns, and before you know it, that high school experience is over and you've lost all your marbles.

The reality is when you know how much time you have left, you can get serious about the time you have now.

And we want to lean into the scripture today.

In Deuteronomy 6, verse 6 and 7, it says this These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.

Deuteronomy 6:6

Impress them on your children.

Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down, and when you get up.

You see, these commandments, this word of God, um is not intended for it only to be a Sunday conversation.

It actually is supposed to be a part of everyday conversation.

And if I were to name this message in this series of parenting on purpose, I would say it is to be named the overtime parent.

The overtime parent.

Because what you'll see is this formula for raising kids who become passionate about loving Jesus is not just that we get them to a church on Sunday, but that in our home, when we're sitting, when we're walking, when we're getting up, when we're going to bed, we are constantly talking to them about the word of God and our decisions that are impacted by faith and even the culture around us and how the word of God directs our steps and orders the steps of the righteous.

You see, you cannot do it all in one day, but you can do something every day that matters over time.

And I'm gonna give you six things that you can do over time, parents that will help you.

And remember, if you are an empty nester or if you are a single adult or young adult, like this is for parents, but I'm gonna tell you you can pick up these principles and apply them to your life because you may be the greatest influence on someone around you, and if you have these principles, it will help you tremendously.

Are you ready?

So here we go.

Number one, the very first thing is love.

Love over time.

Love seems obviously like it is for certain.

Of course, it's number one.

Of course we love our kids.

I think it's incredible.

When Ethan was born, we had this incredible amount of love for him, and then we found out we were expecting Elliot, and we were like, how are we gonna love somebody the way we love Ethan?

And then Elliot was born, and we were like, oh, our heart burst, and we still loved Ethan all the way, and now we could love Elliot all the way.

And then 20 weeks into our third pregnancy, we found out we weren't having a girl and we weren't having a boy, but we were having two boys, and we were like, how are we gonna love two at one time?

And then they were born, and we were like, we still love Ethan all the way, we still love Elliot all the way, and wow, now we have this immense love for Evan and for Eli.

It's because God created us in his image.

And when we're made in his image, whether you're a believer or not, you are made in the image of God and you have the capacity to love the way he loves.

So God doesn't just love, he is love.

And he gives us the example of how as parents we can love.

Look at this in Jeremiah 31 and 3 in the message, I've never quit loving you and never will expect love, love, and more love.

In Romans 8, Paul writes, he says, I'm convinced no death nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Like you can't get away from love.

And Lamentations 3.22, because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed for his compassions, his love for us, it fails not.

And that is the love that God has for us, and it's the same love that we have for our kids.

You see, we used to tell the twins all the time, and we would tell Elliot all the time, and we would tell Ethan all the time, we would say to them, Listen, no matter what you do or where you go, we are always gonna love you, and in fact, we don't love you because you're good or because your team wins or any other reason except that you belong to us.

You're our children, and nothing will ever change that.

You'll always be our kids, you'll always be our son.

Nothing can change that.

We'll always love you, and that's the example that God gives us.

You see, love over time, love over time equals worth.

When you love over time, it adds tremendous worth to the souls of your children.

And it sounds like the most academic thing to do, but can I tell you, showing up every day, playing catch in the afternoon, working on that math problem, doing the science project, running around on bikes, going through the neighborhood, that is how we express that love.

And as we express that love, it brings worth to our child.

And when our child knows how valuable they are, they won't listen to all of the other voices that are trying to fight for their attention.

The second thing that we can do over time is words.

Did you know that as early as preschool, there are studies about mind mapping, how that the words that we speak over our children from those early formative years when we read to them, when we speak to them, when we sing songs to them, that it helps map out in their mind and it gives them the base foundation for actually forming their own words and it gives them a head start on getting into elementary, on through working through elementary and then all the way through high school.

It all starts in those formative years with words over their life.

And I don't just say any words, I mean life-giving words.

Life-giving words, words that build up instead of blow up.

Remember, we learned this in the marriage series a few months ago that for every negative word that's spoken over somebody, it takes 10 to 11 positive words to build them back up.

That is a vast gap and out of balance, and we're really good at pointing out what's wrong, but we need to get really good at pointing out what can be.

Affirming over and over again.

And I would say, for most, for most children, even for most adults, the affirmation bucket is typically never overflowing.

We know when we're wrong, we know when we're bad, we know when we've fallen short, we know all the things, but if somebody would just speak words of affirmation to us and parents, I'm telling you, it is your greatest joy and privilege to be able to say, you are God's child.

You are chosen, you have a purpose, you have a responsibility, you have a great future in front of you.

You're our children.

We love you.

You're doing great.

Whether you get an A or not, we love you.

Sounds like I'm yelling at you, but I'm not.

You see, words over time equal direction.

And you won't always be hanging over the shoulder of your child to help them make decisions, but if you speak life-giving words and help them form, help them form language in conflict and help them form language in disappointment when you're not around, there'll be road signs for them to make better decisions and keep moving forward.

And I think so many times for young adults and for this generation, sometimes, like disappointment sets us off track so far.

And can I just tell you that, parents, if you can teach your child how in the middle of disappointment, there's still the incredible love that God has for our life, how when things aren't going well, that if we are not weary and doing good in due season, we'll reap if we faint not.

Like helping our children have the language for why their faith is important, why in conflict we can learn from one another, and why in disappointment we don't have to throw in the towel, but we can say the righteous gets up seven times.

And that all happens through words.

The next one is stories.

Stories.

It's really amazing, like we learn so much better through stories than through data.

I'll never forget in history when my history teacher Hood held up a baseball and talked about how a baseball was changing the world and caused so much concern for the world.

And I was like, what a I mean, a baseball?

And he he spent time talking about how Fidel Castro actually was an incredible baseball player, but didn't get the opportunity he wanted, and now he's leading, and and he's like, it all became if he would have had a chance to go play baseball, he may not have become this kind of leader.

I was like, I got that one.

Like, and we learn through story and not just through data.

And so when you're reading stories to your children, they're learning.

Uh, an incredible author, I read this, wrote that we are the only human species that is capable of putting ourselves in somebody else's shoes.

And when we do that, it helps us learn and it helps us pick up empathy for others.

We learn how to be have empathy towards others' problems and others' hurts and understand how we can help them if I could just be in their shoes for a minute to understand how I could help them.

And it all comes through stories, telling those stories over and over again, and not just any story, like we would read to our boys' um Goodnight Moon and How Much I Love You and all of these other stories, but also these stories that we've written on our heart, that we wear on our sleeves, the stories of the families in the Bible.

Have you ever considered who your favorite family in the Bible might be?

Like, think about well, maybe it's Adam and Eve, I mean, first family, but they had two sons, and one of them killed the other, so how about Isaac and Rebecca and man, they were great family, but then they had Jacob and Esau, twins, so we're like, well, that could be our favorite.

Well, no, they they were they fought all the time, deceived, tricked, ran, fight.

How about, okay, then I got one.

Everybody loves Joseph and Mary, perfect couple, bring Jesus into the world, the Savior.

But don't forget, for three days they didn't even know where he was, they left them.

Like child protective service being called.

I'm married, the mother of Jesus.

But you know why all those stories are important to tell to our children over and over again, and why it's important for them to be in kids' church and to be in the jump and the wiggle class and the bounce class and to be in Zoom, because those stories over and over again show us that we actually belong in the story too.

That we're not perfect, but you know what?

The Bible wasn't built on perfect people, it was built on Jesus' perfect love, who became sin for us, who leveraged time for us to pursue us and show us how much he loved us all though.

That was his pursuit of us.

Those stories over and over again.

You see, stories over time help lead to perspective.

And then the next one, I've got three more.

I can finish these quickly.

The next one is work.

Work.

The Bible says in Ephesians 2.10, where God's handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which he prepared in advance for us to do.

And I'm gonna tell you, the parents, like your greatest opportunity in your house is to teach your kids how to work, how to do their laundry.

Ethan and Elliot got off easy.

The twins, no, you're gonna do your laundry.

You're gonna be in high school, you're gonna learn how to do your laundry.

You're gonna learn how to make your own lunch.

You're gonna learn how to make your own breakfast.

I'm gonna teach you how to mow the lawn.

You don't have to do it very often because I actually like to do it, but sometimes you're gonna have to mow the lawn.

You're gonna have to learn how to shovel the sidewalk.

Can I get a better amen, dad?

It's okay for your kid to work.

Video games are not work.

Scrolling on the phone is not work.

It is okay for them to learn how to vacuum, how to fold laundry, how to wash the car.

Does anybody wash their own car anymore?

Is that even a thing?

Like, I used to not get to drive the car on the weekend until I washed it.

Like, you want the car this weekend?

I do.

You better wash it.

Yes, sir.

All I'm saying is.

We actually we actually do a disservice to our kids when we tell them over and over, you know what God's Word says, you are powerful, you are mighty, that you have a great future, that you can be significant, you can be a leader, and we never put them in the arena to experience it.

No, we gotta invest in them and put them in the spot to get the work done.

And then teach them and train them up with critique and criticism, which is different than just pointing out their flaws.

It's helping them understand I can do better.

I'm not trying to be perfect, but I can walk in excellence when your kids get their first job.

It's not to save you money, but it's to teach them how to have some money to win.

And have somebody else in their life that tells them no.

It's good for them to have a job.

You don't have to fight that battle.

Excellent culture.

Make a leader out of your job.

Give them a scholarship to go to college.

By the way, good chicken too.

Everybody wants to go to Chick-fil-A today on the way home, but it's closed.

Someday.

When all the rest of them are open seven, and some of them are open twenty-four hours a day.

You know why?

Because that's God's math.

That's why our junior high kids get to serve in the kids' ministry with a parent so that they get the experience being significant.

And why our youth serve on Sundays, and why our young adults leave teens.

And why?

Because listen, we're not just building a church for the future, we're building the church for right now, and their lives are significant now.

By the way, have McDonald's actually gets it as well.

Like you can go into a McDonald's and it'd be all teenagers in the room.

And then sometimes at church we struggle to put teenagers in leadership spots because they're young.

I'm telling you, this is the generation that's gonna change the world.

They are significant, they have they are leaders, they have something to offer to this world, and work over time equals significance.

Come on, Liam, you can come up and we'll start to close.

The next one I'm gonna tell you is one of the most attractive environments of it would make your home the most attractive home on the block.

It makes this church the most attractive church in the community.

It might not be what you expect, but you know what it is over time?

Fun.

Having fun is attractive.

That's why we always say church should be enjoyed and not endured.

Because it should be fun.

You should laugh in church, you should have good times in church.

And listen, it's good to have fun.

Look at what the Bible says about having fun.

Proverbs 17, 22.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

A cheerful heart, laughter.

Dads, tell your dad jokes.

Teach, amen.

Teach your kids how to tell jokes.

Like laugh about things that happen around you.

I have a story that I will never be able to tell from this stage, but it is one of the greatest stories that Evan and Eli share in planting this church.

And it happened on a Sunday morning, and I can tell you, we laugh about it.

It was all those years ago, and we still laugh about it.

We laugh, we laugh.

It was not anyone in the church, it was just something that happened on the way to church.

And we laugh about it because it's funny.

And it's I can't, I can't.

One time somebody said to Ursh, Pastor Ursh, they were like, it must be amazing hearing him say some of the things, you know, all the time.

And she said, Well, sometimes he says amazing things, but you'd be more amazed at what he doesn't say.

So have fun.

Look at what Nehemiah 8.10 says.

Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks.

Come on, somebody, get a get a slurpee on the way home today.

Pull in and get yourself a big gulp of some sugary soda and have some fun.

Get some bunions and munchos and corn nuts.

Look at go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks and send some to those who have nothing prepared.

For this day is holy to our Lord.

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is our strength.

Families, let me ask you, how much joy is in your house?

Is it heavy?

Sad?

We're stuck in work over time.

Make it fun.

Fun over time equals connection.

I have a video, you can just play the video and I'll tell you about the story.

We we love to have fun in our family, and one of the things that we do a lot is I've I told you about me being a water skier, and now I'm teaching our boys how to water ski.

And so um they're all they can all ski.

Well, we went out um on vacation a couple summers ago, and now we've done two annual, we call it our annual night ski.

And we go out in the middle of the night, it's 10:30 at night, only the light of the moon, and then we light up our boat, and then we put on all of the glow-in-the-dark necklaces and glasses.

You got that video?

Can you play it?

No bit, make sure the sound's off, but there we go.

I'm the driver announcing what we're supposed to do, and uh it's the this is the first annual, but we go out in the middle of the lake, there's nobody else around us, everybody else is sleeping, and we go out and put the boys in the water with their glow-in-the-dark on, and there they are skiing.

Hey, nobody has fun like we have fun.

There we go.

He's got his glasses on.

I think that might be Evan or Elliot, but there we go, letting go of the rope.

Here comes Ethan jumping in the water.

Just listen, have some fun.

Have some fun.

Man, we we like having fun is what brings connection, and you know what?

There's correction.

You're gonna have to correct your kids every now and then.

But don't like follow correction up with a how much I love you, and then follow it up with some fun.

Walk in the room and be like, hey, we're going to get ice cream tonight.

For what?

Just because.

No agenda, just gonna have fun.

Hey, we're gonna wake up early and we're going to six flags.

Like, have some fun.

It's okay to have some fun.

Fun over time equals connection.

And the last one, the last thing over time is tribes.

Crews, teams of people.

Last week I talked about the posse with small groups.

Proverbs 13 20 says, Walk with the wise and become wise.

For a companion of fools suffers harm.

Parents, while our children are living out these years, we should be the CEO of their choices for friends.

I'm gonna give you that permission.

And you can vet those friends.

We're gonna be we're gonna love everybody, but I'm gonna make sure my children walk with the wise.

And I'm gonna make sure I put them in a surrounding, in an arena that has people who have similar beliefs and share similar stories and want to move in the right direction.

You see, sometimes I hear this a lot.

I've heard this a lot over the years.

Well, you know what?

We don't bring our kid to youth because our kid doesn't know anyone at youth.

You know what my answer is?

They will never know anyone at youth if you don't ever bring them to youth.

In what other arena do you let that excuse run?

At school?

No.

Oh, when they're young, oh, they don't know anybody in first grade, they don't know anybody in second grade, but you didn't let them stay home.

They had to go to school to get to know friends.

And now those friends are a lifetime.

I think it started with Elliot's class here at Free Church, and after service, they would get together, and then the group of them without parents.

This is a beautiful thing because they're capable.

They would walk down to Jimmy John's or over to Bricks or they'd walk to Chipotle and they would have lunch.

And then they would find their way to one of the homes and spend all Sunday together.

And I would have to go pick one, pick Elliot up at like 8:30 at night.

He spent the whole day with his friends from church.

And so when it was Sunday, it's time to go to church.

He's not sleeping in thinking, I don't, no, church is no fun.

I want to get to church because my friends are gonna be there and we're gonna go.

This week we're gonna walk to Chipotle.

Next week we're gonna walk to Panera Bread, and next week we're gonna walk.

We might get the train and go all the way downtown.

I think they did that a few times.

And then that set the example for Evan and Eli's class and all that group of kids to do the same thing.

And they would listen, they can walk up to McDonald's on Harlem.

I'd be like, you guys are crossing the street at Harlem.

I'm not sure about that.

We're fine, Dad.

We're gonna be okay.

And they spend all that time together.

And guess what?

That group of kids are the kids that are leading this church.

That group of kids are the ones that are gonna lead us into the future.

They're our future pastors, our future worship leaders, our future evangelists.

And that happened because they got together.

And as long as you allow your student to not come, they will never build a relationship that will make them want to come.

Because tribes over time equal belonging.

And I know what you're thinking.

You're like, well, my child is in that introductory stage of you're the five, and when they get to five, we'll we'll start being a parent on purpose.

I'm gonna tell you, there are only three ones.

There are only four ones.

There are only five ones.

You can be like, well, when they get to six and seven, I'll I'll start the parents on purpose.

And I'm gonna tell you, it's not very many weeks, and they're not seven anymore.

And then you're like, well, maybe when they get to eight or nine, when they get to double digits, I'll really start to teach them the word of God.

And I'm like, guess what?

They're only gonna be nine one time.

They're only gonna be ten one time.

You're like, well, well, what about when they're in junior high?

I'm gonna, I'll make sure I get them in used in junior high, and then we get busy and we get in sports programs and we do all the things, and they graduate with a cap and gown in eighth grade around here.

And then you're like, well, it's in high school, I better really get to work because I only have about 200 weeks left.

And then those weeks start flipping by, and we're wondering, what are we gonna do?

When will we get it together?

And you realize you just spend their lifetime of weeks without purpose, and I'm gonna tell you, parents, you cannot do it all in one day.

But you can do something that matters every day that will make a difference over time, you love them over time, you speak words of life to them over time, you teach them how to work over time, you teach them how to have fun over time, you teach them stories over time, you teach them to belong to tribes over time, isn't it incredible?

It's all overtime.

Parenting is over time, it's overtime, it doesn't quit, it doesn't stop, the clock does not go to zero.

You're always a parent.

In church family, I just want to tell you, I am praying with you, I'm standing with you, I want to give you resources, I want you to be the best parent on purpose you can be for your children, but you got to decide to do it, and it only it will never happen in one day.

No one has the potential to influence a child like a parent, but a parent should not be the only influence in the life of a child, so plug them in when you bring them to church on Sunday morning.

Guess what?

Our teachers, our team downstairs, we've seen kicking, screaming, crying babies.

We've seen the toddl that want to run away.

A few of them have gotten a little further than we want to, but we never have lost one yet.

In 14 years, we have a sparkling record, we've returned every child that was brought to us.

Close.

Close.

We're used to the kids that don't want to be there, but we're still gonna be there.

And as long as we're there, why don't you just bring your child down there every week?

Make a commitment from the time my child is old enough, which we think is about for some three months, four months, five months, six months.

I mean, for for the twins, it was what two weeks?

We took them to kids, we were like, here you go.

Where's the nursery for the two-week old?

But and once they are of that age, deposit them every single week.

Let us reinforce what you're teaching at home.

And guess what?

You can also take what we're teaching here and use it during the week.

Because I believe that our families, like the church, are the hope of the world.

And we're gonna help you be parents on purpose.

Can you receive that word today?

Let me pray for you.

Father, in the name of Jesus, I pray for every parent in this room.

Lord, this is not a message that's meant to point fingers, but to encourage.

Not to point out our flaws, but to encourage us to step into purpose, to take seriously the time we have left, and to make a difference that you've called us to make in our child's life.

And I thank you, God, for every person in this room who stands alongside of our children and our youth and our young adults to lead them in the glorious future God has for them.

You know what?

If I could just keep your eyes closed for just a minute.

Two things.

Number one, I really feel compelled this week in my in my own personal prayer time.

If you're a parent and you're like, PC, I can you pray for my home?

Can you pray for me?

Can you pray for me to put into practice the principles that we're walking through in this season?

Would you just quickly throw your hand up?

Nobody's looking around.

Thank you.

Thank you, parents.

Thank you, thank you.

I commit to pray with you.

And what I want you to do is just be open to receive and to listen for the prompting of the Holy Spirit in those areas where you can step in and be like, okay, this, I can do this on purpose.

I can do this, I can walk into this season, I can walk into this moment, I can take this moment and teach something.

That's what I'm praying for you.

The rest of you, maybe you made, you've never made a decision to follow Jesus.

And I think it'd be an incredible moment to do that.

I'm gonna pray this prayer.

If you've never prayed this prayer, I want you to pray this.

The Bible says if you believe Jesus died on a cross for you and you confess it with your mouth, you'll be saved.

Church family, let's pray this prayer.

Dear Jesus, thank you for loving me, for paying a price I could not pay.

Give me a gift I can never earn.

Help me to follow you.

Be my Lord and Savior.

My life will never be the same.

In Jesus' name I pray.

Amen.

Come on, church family, let's receive that word.

Let's stand together.