Church Called Tov - Empathy against Narcissism

Well, what were your favorite lunches? Anybody? Favorite lunches? You had one.

Taco in a bag.

Taco in a bag? Is that just a walking taco? Is that what they call it?

It's called a walking taco now?

Yeah.

They got rid of it.

They got rid of it?

Just last Tuesday.

Oh my gosh. Just last Tuesday? So the pain is fresh.

Yeah, it's Taco Tuesday.

This is a new wound. All right, we'll see what we can do about that. I'll call and ask.

Other favorite lunches? Anyone?

Square pizza.

Square pizza?

Rectangular.

Rectangular. Yeah, rectangular pizza. I would have to say that for me in grade school and junior high, that was definitely it.

I mean, rectangular pizza was the top of the heap, definitely, when I was a child.

Now I realize that now it's not as good anymore, I guess is what I hear.

It was never good.

But here's the thing, that might be the truth. That's probably the reality.

And some of you need to remember that we grew up in the 80s.

And so it was the best of the options in the 80s.

And so we were like just tortured into thinking that it was good.

It's the best you're going to get. This is good.

But then in the 90s, when I was in high school, yes, my high school added a Taco Bell stand.

Oh, yeah, you're jealous now, right? There's only like three things at it, I think.

I had like a soft-shell taco. Yeah, sorry, you know, we like joined the PTA, I guess.

But we had soft-shell tacos, I think, bean burritos, and then the chili cheese burrito.

So I always had enough money for lunch.

When I was that age, I always had enough money for lunch.

But that didn't stop me from getting the food that I could afford and then going around,

literally table to table saying, hey, man, you want to get an extra dime?

You got a dime? Who's got a dime?

You know, who's got a quarter? Someone's got a quarter, come on.

And I would walk around asking complete strangers.

I went to a school of 2,500 students, at least. There were 600 kids just in my class.

I would walk around just bumming dimes, nickels, and quarters off people

so I could get one more chili cheese burrito because they were and will always be

the best thing that Taco Bell has ever had.

I was deeply saddened when they discontinued it,

and I am distraught that they have not brought it back yet.

Now, these days, at least in Illinois, and this is true for some states,

in Illinois, school lunch is free, right?

So students, kids don't have to worry about whether they have enough money to get their lunch,

but that's not the case in every state.

This last week I was reading a story out of Ohio.

This just happened in the last couple weeks where an elementary school

was having an event for third and fourth graders, and it was called Ice Cream Friday.

Sounds simple, right?

It was one dollar, you got one ice cream.

Sounds simple.

One ice cream per kid.

But the school posted on their Facebook page, this is what it said,

a student must have money on their account to purchase an ice cream.

If a student has a negative balance, they will not be able to purchase an ice cream,

even if they bring their one dollar for ice cream.

Students are only allowed to purchase one ice cream

and are not permitted to buy an ice cream for a friend.

That just happened.

That just happened.

In Wisconsin, just last month in August, they passed and they approved

the school lunch program for kids for it to be free in Wisconsin,

but one school board member was quoted saying that they thought that free lunches might,

quote, make it easy for families to become spoiled.

We're talking about lunch.

We're talking about kids and food.

Back in Ohio, when the school posted about the ice cream event,

there was obviously an outcry from good people.

Hundreds of negative comments, their post got shared, I think 465 times.

And one local woman named Ms. King, she decided to do something about it.

Specifically, the article says, after praying, after praying, she called the school

and she prayed that she would just get to talk to the right person.

She paid off the lunch debt for every student in the school.

She said that she did it because she knew what it was like to not have enough money

for lunch at that age, but that she was doing better now.

She actually owns a local soul food restaurant.

She felt empathy, an empathy that triggered a compassionate response to pay someone else's debt.

The district eventually apologized, saying their system, their policy, lacked empathy and sensitivity.

No kidding.

Any guesses how much it cost to pay off the balance for the entire school?

How much?

$20,000.

How much?

$500.

Someone said $2,000.

$411.

$411.

Systems are only as sensitive and empathetic as the people that lead them.

Churches currently and historically have done the same things.

We can just as easily allow systems and structures to dilute the empathy that our Lord Jesus exemplifies.

So, let's get excited like the kids and open up our Bibles and see what else we have to learn about this.

We're going to be in Matthew 9 and Philippians 2.

If you don't have a Bible, we have blue paper copies on the bookshelf, on the lobby.

Feel free to take one of those home.

Otherwise, you can download a Bible from any of the app stores.

We're going to be Matthew and Philippians.

Matthew goes Matthew, Mark, Luke, John.

So, if you see any of those, you're in the right neighborhood.

It goes Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians.

We're going to Philippians.

If you see any of those, you're in the right neighborhood.

We have a tradition of giving the scriptures our full attention when we read them at this time in the service.

We can do that any number of ways.

One of the ways is to stand together as you are able.

If that's not your preference, just give the scriptures our attention.

Matthew 9 verse 36 says, When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them,

Matthew 9:36

because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

Then he said to his disciples, The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest fields.

And Philippians 2 starting in verse 2.

Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, any comfort from his love,

if any common sharing in the spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests,

but each of you to the interests of others.

Let us pray.

God of every tribe, every tongue, every color, every nation, thank you for your scriptures.

Thank you that they have persisted throughout the millennia, that we still have them to read and consider.

I pray that whatever you have for us to learn today, that it would stick,

that it would become a part of the framework of our faith,

that our faith would become stronger, that we would be like your son, Jesus.

Amen.

Thanks, y'all. You can have a seat.

The first thing that I want to point out here is that a Tove culture, a good culture,

culture of goodness is a community that embraces empathy.

A core element of who Jesus was and is, is empathy.

If Jesus is hosting an ice cream Friday, everybody's getting ice cream.

Everybody. No one is going to be left out. Nobody.

Chris's shirt. No one should be left out.

If Jesus walks into a room, no one will be left out. Jesus is kind. Jesus is compassionate.

He cannot walk into a room without making a beeline for the person that everyone else ignores.

This past week, I went to the Township Pantry to continue building that relationship.

I met Mike Clark. He is a member of Sacred Heart, which is right across the street from us,

kind of caddy-ish corner, down about a block or two.

And he is the director of the pantry.

And so I wanted to chat with him and figure out how can we help, when would it make sense to help.

And when we were done, I left the pantry and I was about to get in my car and I heard behind me,

hey, give me a ride home.

Turned around. Someone that had just gone through the pantry. Young guy, maybe 24, maybe 25.

The truth is, I didn't really want to.

My brain immediately listed all the reasons that I could give.

Hey man, I'm in a hurry. I've got things to do. I'm late for something. I haven't uploaded the sermon yet.

I'm always behind.

More honestly, my brain said, you don't know this guy.

What if he wants something from you? You don't know where he's going to take you?

But I said, yeah, let's go.

Because I think that Jesus was probably also saying, do you know me?

What if I need something from you?

Greg, you never know where I'm going to take you.

At times, empathy needs a little convincing.

And that's okay.

Sometimes we need that convincing because when we partner with someone in their pain,

we willingly associate ourselves with them and their situation.

When Jesus would share a meal with someone in his culture, when he'd say,

I'm going to come to your house and eat with you.

I think of the story of Zacchaeus.

Come down from there for I'm going to your house to eat with you.

In that culture, that meant that you approved of that person,

that you were willing to associate with them, to be known alongside that person.

McKnight says that empathy is the ability to feel what someone else feels,

to feel another's pain, to exit our own feelings and enter the experience of others.

Compassion is the outworking of that empathy.

So what if we don't want to feel what they feel?

What if we don't want to feel what they feel because we have felt that before?

What if we don't want to feel what they feel because we don't want to feel it again?

When I was a little kid, my dad worked at John Deere as a blue collar worker.

I was telling Scott earlier, he's got a Carhartt hoodie on,

and I said I don't buy a Carhartt because I feel like I'd be a poser.

My dad, tried and true blue collar, can wear Carhartt and be completely proud of it.

When I was a kid and he worked at John Deere, just like is happening right now,

they would have layoffs, they would have lockouts,

and hundreds of people would lose their jobs for a period of time.

I know, I remember as a small child, knowing that there were times where we didn't have enough money.

I do this because I was drinking powdered milk.

I remember I was maybe five or six, and I went out in front of my house,

and I found someone's school picture money.

You know what I'm talking about?

Back in the day, they didn't do it all digitally.

You used to have like a thing, they sent like a sample photo home,

and you'd send it back with a check or with cash.

I found that envelope on the sidewalk outside of my house.

She must have dropped it on the way to school.

I knew who she was.

She lived down the block and down the hill from me.

I knew exactly who she was, but I kept it.

I stole it.

And I remember thinking to myself as a five or six-year-old,

thinking I might need this if I have to buy my own bread.

I don't ever want to feel that again, right?

I don't want to feel like I need to keep something that is actually meant for somebody else.

Memories like that are part of the reason that I want us to work at a pantry,

and memories like that are part of the reason that I don't always want to go to the pantry,

because it hits a little too close to home.

It reminds me of things that were for the most part outside of our control.

It still affects the way that I think about money to this day.

The problem is that empathy that is only ever internalized eventually turns into pity.

And not just pity for other people, like, oh, I feel so, oh, I have empathy,

and then now it's going to turn into sympathy, and now this is going to turn into pity.

Not just for other people.

Empathy that never gets out of you is the kind of thing that makes us eventually pity ourselves

to feel bad about ourselves.

To overcome that pity, spoiled empathy solidifies and sets as selfishness and narcissism.

When the empathy that we don't let out starts to turn into pity for ourselves and we feel bad for ourselves,

the only way to get over it is to harden the selfishness and narcissism that we have for ourselves.

To artificially set ourselves up and over it.

When we follow who? Jesus.

When we follow Jesus, His goodness, when we follow who He is, His example,

we resist narcissism, we embrace empathy, and empathy in action comes out as compassion.

A Tove church culture, a good church culture embraces empathy.

And secondly, a Tove church culture resists narcissism in its people, in its leaders, and in its pastors.

Now, I'm not talking about clinical narcissism because I don't have a DSM-5.

I'm not going to pull it out.

We're not going to try and check off all the psychological and psychiatric checking boxes to make sure,

do we know what we're talking about?

It can be boiled down to this, the kind of narcissism that ends up occurring in churches,

but also in us if we are not empathetic and compassionate.

It turns into selfishness and we have to ask ourselves, are we obsessed with ourselves and what we get?

Are we obsessed with what I have?

Do we live and lead from a position of entitlement?

Do we abuse authority? Do we lead with fear and demand absolute obedience?

Do we get angry when we don't get our way?

Do we feel like it's everybody else's fault?

McKnight wrote, friends don't let friends become narcissists.

Amen. Say it again, pastor.

Friends don't let friends become narcissists.

McKnight also says that pastors without empathy are not pastoring.

This brings me back to something that we talked about last week.

We were talking about power, how power changes us, that research shows that power changes the way that we think.

I quoted research that said power can make us impulsive, that once we have power,

quote, we lose some of the capacity we needed to gain that power in the first place.

Y'all remember that.

But I left out something, I left out a sentence that I wanted to keep for this week as we talked about empathy,

because that same research said this, power in fact impairs a specific neural process that may be the cornerstone of empathy.

Power specifically fights against our ability to empathize with other people.

That neural process that they're talking about is called mirroring.

You guys heard of this before? Mirroring. Some of you heard of neural mirroring.

We literally have neurons in our brains that respond to what we see happening around us.

They fire when we see something happen, when we see an action.

And what is amazing is that when we duplicate that action, they fire again.

Think about you're in a dance class with Robin.

Robin teaches dance classes and tap and all these other things.

Or you're taking a bass lesson from Tony.

You're doing something where someone is showing you what to do.

Think about the feeling that you got when you did it right.

There's something that happens in our brains when we mirror what we see.

And those neurons are impaired by power.

Mirroring, empathizing with what we see around us becomes less likely when power is part of the mix.

So listen again to the scriptures.

In humility, value others above yourselves.

Not looking at your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others.

The same author wrote Romans 12.3.

Do not look or think of yourselves more highly than you ought,

but rather think of yourselves with sober judgment in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

So what do we do with that?

How do we practice this? How do we participate with this emphasis that needs to be on empathy?

The easy answer is that we mirror.

We have to learn to mirror the needs that we see around us because empathy,

real empathy can actually be recovered by developing new neural pathways.

Some of us know this. Some of us have read about this.

It can be applied to addiction as well. It can be applied to issues of depression.

There are certain neural pathways that can be rewritten.

We can learn to empathize. We can learn to be compassionate.

Some stroke victims do what's called a neural mirroring exercise where the therapist,

if they have a hand that works really well and a hand that doesn't, they put both of them on the table

and they put a mirror between them.

And they have the patient watch the other hand in the mirror

because your brain starts to think that that is your hand.

And as your brain sees your hand moving in the mirror,

your brain starts to create new neural pathways that make it more likely that your hand that's been affected will move.

By looking at something that isn't actually happening and mirroring it, something can happen.

Isn't that fascinating? Goodness.

So how do we mirror empathy?

Simple answer. We serve. We serve.

Serving is a solution. It's not the only solution.

It's not a cure for narcissism to just go and serve and suddenly you have no narcissistic tendencies whatsoever.

But it is an important element of developing empathy.

And this is important. It's something that is easily measurable.

What do I mean? You know whether you're serving or not.

You know the amount of time that you have.

We know the capacity and capabilities that we have.

We can measure whether we are serving or not.

And we can choose whether to serve more or less or at all.

And the measuring of that can indicate to us how much we are desiring to develop empathy and compassion.

Right here in this building we have a building partner called Closet to Closet.

They share our lobby once a week and sometimes they use it more than that.

And they want me, if there's something that they don't put back where it belongs, stuff like that,

they want to be able to put things back where they belong so that we don't have extra work.

And so they want me to let them know when something like that happens.

And this last week there were some things that didn't get packed.

And so I just, hey, heads up, just so you know, da da da.

She was like, thanks so much for letting me know, just don't know how much longer we can keep it up.

So because years ago we had this many requests for care packages and needs for kids that were impacted by the foster system.

She said since then it's tripled.

But nationally the number of volunteers after COVID is down.

I would hate to see Closet to Closet close their doors because of a lack of volunteers.

Every Thursday they're here from four or five o'clock into the evening putting together care packages for people.

That's measurable.

I don't know what you're doing on Thursday nights, but that's one thing that if you wanted to,

if you wanted to learn to mirror empathy, to do something that you can measure and know, oh, I'm trying, I'm serving.

That's one thing you could do.

Narratives QC is going to be, is using our lobbies during the week right now.

And they're going to hopefully be in the other end of the building by first quarter next year.

Narratives QC is a mentoring program for young adults.

I'm sure there's going to be opportunities to partner with them.

Those are things that happen in our building.

But then beyond our building, it's the township pantry.

They serve people every day, Monday through Friday, nine to eleven.

They need extra hands loading food from the truck into the building on Mondays and Thursdays at eight thirty.

I plan on being there at least one, if not both of those times to help unload.

And then I'll play it by ear to see if I can also stay for the pantry from nine to eleven.

But this is something that's in our neighborhood, a way for us to measure if we're trying to develop our empathy.

And then in our own congregation, not just our own building, not just our own neighborhood, but in our own congregation, the shed is the teens.

I always like to tell people they named it that. I didn't name it that.

They named it the shed because they're all tools for the Lord, apparently.

That's why that's what they said. They all decided which tool they were on.

They were on the wrench. Oh, I'm a screwdriver. Yeah, they I'm not kidding.

So they're called the shed. We could we would love to have more adults volunteer to help with the shed.

It's literally like a 35 minute commitment on Sunday morning.

It is not a giant commitment. And they would forever remember you as being someone that gave time to them.

Treehouse. We actually have a lot of kids at this church that we actually need to add another adult team member to nursery every week.

We need to actually start having three people in there instead of two.

Nursery only serves one time a month.

We rotate everybody only one time a month so that people don't miss the entire service more than one time a month.

You like holding babies? We'd love for you to hold some babies.

You like teenagers? We'd love for you to serve the teenagers.

Now I could say giving financially, that's a great way to become compassionate.

The giving something we want to have for ourselves helps shape our empathy.

And it's true. But this is the truth. This is the God's honest truth. It really isn't the best way.

It's not the best way.

A lot of times giving financially is our cop out for not doing something with our bodies.

Because a lot of times we give financially, but then we don't put our hands to the work of what that money went to.

So give. It's great. We've missed budget two months in a row. I would love for us to be a generous community.

But I would rather you start by giving your time and yourself to people that need you to be present so that you can continue to develop the empathy and compassion that is needed.

The reality is that some of us, if we lived in Ohio, we could have called and we could have paid off that $411.

I'm not going to ask you to raise your hand, but I'm sure there's a number of people in this room that when you heard $411, you thought, I could have done that.

But you know what will be even more important is for people to be on that PTA and for people to be a part of that school district that will be compassionate,

that will be empathetic, that will decide that a system will not exclude children because of a one dollar ice cream.

Because that's not how this world should work.

Unless we put our hands to the work that we give towards, we will not develop the empathy that we need.

It's the serving. It is seeing the hand in the mirror that develops that empathy.

This is the example of Jesus. As I close, if you read the book, Kelsey has the book.

I think she said that when she's done, she's happy to let anyone else use it as well.

If you read the book and if you read the chapter that's about empathy and resisting narcissism, this chapter doesn't only emphasize the concept of empathy in general.

I really want us to make sure that we hear this part. It doesn't emphasize the concept of empathy just in general.

It points out that the empathy in a church must be available to the historically marginalized groups of our society.

That women must be given position, a place, and a voice.

That people of color must be given equity, a position, a place, a voice.

That people in the LGBTQ community must be given position, a place, a voice. At the house, we do not want to only give lip service.

We want to create actual room, real space for people with different life experiences to speak for themselves as they follow Jesus.

It's one of the reasons that if you look on our website, it says that we have no limitations on serving and leadership here at the house that are based on gender, your marriage standing, your sexuality, or your identity.

Because you are welcome. There is empathy here.

Narcissism will be resisted because Jesus loves you. Amen? Let's pray.

Jesus, we thank you for the work that you did on the cross.

We pray that you find a way that you draw us in, that you empathize with us, but that empathy doesn't stay internal, that it becomes compassion.

Something we see, something we can feel, and then something that we can partner with.

That what you put in us from the beginning continues to find its way out. That we do not hold in our empathy.

We reflect with compassion as individuals, as a church. In the name of Jesus, amen.