Ctrl/Alt/Delight - Relationships

I've had a lot of really good talking points

and thoughts that have been around the idea of

community today. That's been very appropriate

because that's what we're talking about in a

lot of ways today, or the need for the community.

We are in a series called Control Alt Delight.

Greg helped lay out for those of us who remember

what it was like to. need control alt delete

back in the day when things didn't auto save

for you and you just had to, like things just

got really backed up on a computer and you had

to start over again. That was a sad time, everyone.

We didn't love it. Also, by the way, this is

apropos of nothing, but I did not know about

fall spring until I moved to the Midwest. Do

you know what I'm talking about? Because today

is harsh and I'm not loving the wind this week.

I just want to just remember that it was nice

last week, but there is hope ahead of us. Okay.

So any of you who have ever written anything,

a poem to a story to a thing, you're always encouraged

when you have this task ahead of you to write

what you know, which is great until you're handed

the message on marriage for the week. And if

you don't know. I've been single my whole adult

life. So this is an interesting task. And it's

all good, right? But it's making me laugh. So

I'm just leaning into this. I'm leaning into

this aspect. And I have been a little nervous

about this message because hearing a happily

single person talk to you about why you should

delight in your marriage or find delight in your

marriage when you want to scrap it is... About

as fun as hearing a non -parent say to you as

a parent, well, have you tried? Yes, Janet, I

have tried. But even though marriage is not my

area by expertise or experience, the idea of

belonging to each other is familiar. And I do

know something about what that means. So now

I've given it all away. That's the sermon, everyone.

We're good. Go home. But we'll take it for what

it's worth today, and I believe that Jesus has

some words for us in this. Side note, well, maybe

not for a Gen Xer, but we can't have a message

about marriage without acknowledging the most

perfect movie of Rob Reiner's career, perhaps.

I don't know. It's debatable. But The Princess

Bride. Thank you. I think you know where I'm

going with this. we must go forward and say together,

marriage. Marriage is what brings us together

today. And if you say the next part, love, true

love. And I am really interested in the sector

of people in this room who are like, what just

happened? I enjoy that. I will not pretend to

understand marriage this morning. I'm going to

let you know that. And I say that like other

times I may try to, like this morning, like I

qualify that. But tomorrow, there are things

that I have certainly observed over time that

do give me at least some unique insight into

people's lives who are married. By this time

in my life, I've watched friends get married

to people that were clearly a poor plan. I've

watched more than a few friends struggle with

deeply stressful and dividing moves, the death

of a child, infertility, infidelity, major medical

crises, conflicts with parents and in -laws.

That's real. Those are some of the bigger ones.

But it doesn't just take the big things to hit

a marriage hard. We all know how bad something

like a hairline fracture can be, right? One can

even still walk on it and never even know it's

there. They may sense something's not quite right,

but truly, how often do people here experience

something in their lives and think, ah, it's

probably fine, I'll just see if it works itself

out. And then in a few days, you've just gotten

used to... this new level of discomfort. This

is now your life. You just live that way. Because

it's inconvenient to go get it checked out. It's

inconvenient to take the time. I don't have the

time. I can't right now. It's fine. It's probably

fine. It'll probably work out. This is the more

frequent kind of situation I see, where these

small fractures occur. They go unaddressed, and

eventually they do require, almost inevitably,

major intervention. But by that point, people

are often too tired, too exhausted of the thing,

have spent too much time trying to survive the

buildup of the things to keep going. And so they'd

rather just start over. So control, alt, delete

happens. And I will add this caveat here. There

are times when, for one's own and also additional

children's, safety, that is the needed move.

That is real, and let's, for today's message,

assume that in the scenarios I'm speaking of,

people are not in danger. If you are, and you

do need help, please seek it. There are real

reasons why marriages dissolve, and I am talking

about examining the fractures before they get

to that point today. But as followers of Christ,

we are connected to something much deeper. And

in a world of division, remembering that we belong

to each other is critical. So today we're going

to be reading from 1 Corinthians. And thank heavens

for that, because if I was going to have to go

through a whole message and not be able to give

historical context on something, I was really

going to find myself in no man's land. A number

of Paul's letters, and even some that were written

by Paul but dated later, are addressing deep

levels of division. The fishing net grabbing

the early church. creating the early church,

was gathering all kinds of people up from various

different layers of humanity. There were the

socially strong and the socially disadvantaged.

There were racial and ethnic divisions. There

were layers of the now empire of Romans having

taken over and rebuilt a city that was once a

major Greek force that they raised to the ground

about 100 years before when they were just a

republic. That doesn't add layers of complications

to a society at all. It was a city that was taking

in Rome's Jewish refugees. It was a major port

on the Gulf of Corinth because no one wanted

to sail around the south of the Peloponnese.

It was incredibly dangerous. And so this young

church was placed in this city, and it was going

to have a time figuring out how we belong to

each other. They were not set up for it in the

world. And so it is no small thing to reflect

on the words of Jesus some decades before, echoing

around this young church, saying, a new command

I give to you, love one another as I have loved

you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone

will know that you are my disciples if you love

one another. Or that when Jesus very specifically

prayed, In John 17, my prayer is not for my own

disciples alone. I pray also for those who believe

in me through their message. And that's what

the church in Corinth had become. It's the church

that had become the church because of their message.

That all of them may be one. Father, just as

you are in me and I am in you. May they also

be in us so that the world may believe that you

have sent me. I have given them the glory that

you gave me, that they may be one as we are one,

I in them, and you in me, so that they may be

brought to complete unity. Then the world will

know that you sent me and have loved them even

as you have loved me. Didn't Jesus know it? He

saw. And so while we may be thinking, if we're

talking about marriage, and we're going to read,

then we must be about to read the most common

marriage passage ever done at weddings from 1

Corinthians 13. But we are not. We are not reading

this chapter because it's the context in the

chapter before that is critical. So today, I'm

going to invite you to stand or give attention

to the reading of God's word as you are able.

We're going to read from 1 Corinthians 12. We

are reading from 12 to 27. If you would like

a Bible and you don't have one with you, there

are Bibles on the table. Otherwise, you can pull

it up on your phone. If you put in 1 Corinthians

12, 12 through 31, it will come up. So it says

unity and diversity in the body is the headline

it has been given by later scribes. But just

as a body. though one has many parts, but all

its many parts form one body. So it is with Christ,

for we were all baptized by one spirit so as

to form one body, whether Jews or Gentiles, slave

or free, and we were all given the one spirit

to drink from. Even so, the body is not made

up of one part, but of many. Now, if the foot

should say, because I am not a hand, I do not

belong to the body, it would not for that reason

stop being a part of the body. And if the ear

should say, because I'm not an eye, I don't belong

to the body, it would not for that reason stop

being a part of the body. If the whole body were

an eye, where would the sense of hearing be?

If the whole body were an ear, where would the

sense of smell be? But, in fact, God has placed

the parts in the body, every single one of them,

just as he wanted them to be. If they were all

one part, where would the body be? As it is,

there are many parts but one body. The eye cannot

say to the hand, I don't need you. And the head

cannot say to the feet, I don't need you. On

the contrary, those parts of the body that seem

to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts

that we think are less honorable, we treat with

special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable

are treated with special modesty, while our presentable

parts need no special treatment. God has put

the body together, giving greater honor to the

parts that lacked it so that there should be

no division in the body, but that its parts should

have equal concern for each other. If one part

suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part

is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now

you are the body of Christ, and each one of you

is a part of it. Let's pray. the ways that you

would have us here today, open our ears and help

us be good listeners. Help us intake your word

and let it be something that lives in us, fully

alive and active, and that you would recall these

things to mind as they are needed, that we would,

in fact, see each other in new ways today or

deeper ways. And that you would help us recognize

the collective of the body of Christ that is

here and the one that we are a part of worldwide.

I pray this in your name. Amen. So here we find

Paul carrying on this unavoidable message of

Christ, trying to remind them that they are one.

They are a body of people. They belong to each

other. Whatever their status, whatever their

gender, whatever their race, they belong to each

other. And for some of them, I imagine this was

not good news. They didn't quite like the idea

that they were connected. I think some of them

really did think, well, I'm a hand and I don't

need an arm. I'm a shoulder and I don't need

the torso. That's a weird idea, right? It's such

a good visual to understand the body of Christ,

who we are as connected to each other. Because

it is ridiculous when we think of any of those

parts functioning independently. It's nonsense.

And yet, how frequently does that occur? Where

when you really dig into someone's thinking,

you're like, oh, you think you are a solo entity.

So the most dangerous or perhaps what becomes

the most fragile fracture point I see when working

with or walking alongside couples is the one

that says that you two are on different sides.

It's often hard because when that is realized,

it often feels so surprising to the couple. It's

the, how did we get here? I married this person

because we were so aligned. So many young couples

I talk to when dreamy -eyed about their future

partner often cite, we agree on everything as

one of the reasons, I love the laughs in the

room, as one of the reasons they know this person

is for them. And you're like, oh, you sweet thing.

You're 20. Of course you do, Declan. Neither

of you know who you are yet. Give it some time.

You start growing at different paces. Your interests

start developing. Really. And you're looking

in different directions. Agreement isn't always

a good thing, but it does feel like the safe

thing. And so that's why often people look for

that. And then they realize, oh, we're not in

the same side right now. Sometimes those misalignments

are very manageable and even comical to couples.

Sometimes, though, they are as giant and consequential

as a Cubs and a Cardinals fan living in the same

house. Or bears and packers. Or the 1990s Buffalo

Bills and Miami Dolphins, which I have some experience

with. It was not my house, I shudder to think,

but no way would a Floridian and a New Yorker

be together. One can't live with snow and the

other can't live without it. And this is a fact.

But when particularly young people want to get

married, and I know that they are about to say,

for better or for worse to each other, I want

to say, and I have said, is the worst? What do

you imagine that being? What do you think the

worst is? Because whatever it is, you are always

sure it won't happen to you. Or you are sure

that you can weather it if it does, because when

you're in love, you're certain that that is strong

enough. And you two will face it together, hand

in hand. Until you are facing each other, unsure

of who that person is anymore. And where did

that fracture begin? How did we get here? Where

did things begin to separate? And thinking about

the church in Corinth, the people came in to

the church with their brokenness, with their

fractures. They came in fractured with their

biases and their prejudices, with their position

in the social strata, hoping to still be held

in place. I'm thinking about how the Church of

Christ is referenced as the Bride of Christ,

and how many of us have come in with our own

brokenness, with much of the same biases and

prejudices that the early church encountered,

just a different year. This actually makes me

really hopeful, because often there's the thought

that when two people enter into a marriage, they

enter into it aligned. And facing the same direction

and on the same page, committed to each other

as they stand as one against the world. And the

fractures often get realized when the revelation

is that those are just illusions. And you found

that you're with someone who comes with their

own existing fractures already. And that they've

been walking on those fractures their whole lives.

And now this marriage is revealing them. But

here's what I know about belonging. I am broken,

and Jesus knows this. And it is not a surprise

when I entered the body of Christ that I came

with my brokenness. And it is God's work in the

belonging that often is the agent of healing.

God has designed it this way, and it offers me

strength where I am weak, or it offers me help

where I'm broken. It's a reminder that I do not

have to be... good at all of it, whatever it

is. And that's a wonderful relief. I do not have

to be good at all of it and it's not a shame

to me when I'm not. It means someone else has

an opportunity to be strong and awesome where

I can't be. Plenty of fractures of my own led

me to also believe that being independent of

anyone was the better and certainly the safer

choice. Or that I couldn't come into the body

of Christ until I was fixed, until all things

were healed first, that God didn't want me until

I was okay. And I think that is something to

be mindful of for those heading into marriage.

You are going in as broken people, and those

things will be revealed. You cannot hide them.

But in the belonging, there is an agent of healing

for that. I joked with Cindy the other day, I'm

a terrible adult. I need all sorts of scaffolding

around me to hold me up, to remind me of things,

to organize in certain ways that make sense to

the rest of the world. I'm very detailed and

very organized, for me. I like my systems, but

if you introduce me to a system, I'm like, I

don't, that's binary. I don't read binary code.

I'm more prone to work towards hyper -independence.

That's the world I believed I needed to build

for myself. But I'm not the only one who functions

this way. In a society of hyper -independence,

belonging is often seen as a weakness. And that

you need to fix yourself before you can belong

to things. But we are not meant to function this

way. It is okay that I don't have it all managed

and handled. I can't. I am so grateful for the

scaffolding, for the body of Christ, for the

help, for someone being a hand or shoulder or

elbow while I exist as a foot or the other hand.

It allows me to just be really good at the things

I'm designed for and the things I can be good

at. And it leaves me not having to be ashamed

that I'm not good at the other things. In the

last few weeks, I've been super grateful for

the scaffolding because my car needed repairs.

And people came through in very practical ways.

And some of them were very big. And I'm deeply,

deeply grateful. God used the body of Christ

to provide for me where I could not. And it's

in moments like that that I experience more healing

of the fractures because I recognize I didn't

have to fix it myself. There was a community

I could ask for help from where I normally would

have been like, I'll figure out how to rent a

car. I don't want to bother anybody. I'll figure

it out. And God is like, you have people that...

that want to help you figure it out. They are

here for you. And over the years, I have learned

not to be ashamed to ask for help. And when people

can, they will. And when they can't, they'll

just say they can't. And that's not a problem.

That's real. But in the greater community, I

start learning that asking for help is okay.

That my hyper -independence is not necessary.

And so when choosing a life in Christ, there

is a belonging of another kind. There's a specific

kind of belonging in the body of Christ because

it's what we're designed for. We realize that

hyperindependence doesn't have a place. It doesn't

work. You can't be a hand only. That's not possible

when you realize there's just a bigger body that

you are a part of. And so there are various degrees

of that kind of belonging, a whole spectrum.

And marriage is a kind of belonging. But the

greater point is when we become members of the

body of Christ, we not only belong to each other,

but we have things we bring to the table too.

And we have things that we lack. We are both.

And that's good. That's the point. That's the

design. Why is this element important in marriage?

Well, because marriage is a unique kind of belonging

as well. It is intentionally a long -term kind

of belonging where unique things are grown over

time, where partners grow not just in their gifts

and what they bring to each other, but what they

learn to also receive from each other. It becomes

a model. And I will be clear, if you are single,

marriage is not the only place or the only way

that this happens. Again, I've been single my

whole adult life. If that... point were true

if marriage was the only place that that would

happen that would mean God is cruel and he's

not so marriage is a kind of belonging but there

is a vast array of what belonging looks like

but marriage is a specific kind of belonging

that asks you to soberly and prayerfully consider

how you belong to each other it asks you to examine

the fractures in your life in ways that understand

that the lack of care to heal those fractures

will affect others deeply, and for the long term.

And it also reminds one that the effort and energy

used to heal those fractures can lead to a lifetime

or a legacy of blessing for others. And that's

a beautiful idea. That's really powerful. And

that puts a different perspective onto the discomfort

or the pain. that has the ability to take one

or many to the point of wanting to scrap it all

and hit control, alt, and delete. In a society

that has become less resilient, more interested

in comfort, more conflict averse, we do see more

people scrapping something in favor of their

choice for hyperindependence. I encourage you

to deal with the pain and discomfort early on.

When I moved to the Quad Cities, I lived in a

first -floor apartment in a house. In most of

the apartment, there were dropped ceilings, but

my bedroom had a plaster ceiling. And I noticed

that a thin line was starting to go across it

one day. And over time, I watched it grow like

it was going to fix itself. Y 'all, we all know

what happened. We know. It didn't fix itself.

And I was home when the whole ceiling fell. It

was, yeah. It was, of course, a giant mess. And

honestly, I can honestly still almost taste the

plaster in the air. It was like, it's very powdery.

Rarely do things like that get better on their

own. You need to deal with them early. It is

uncomfortable, but they only get worse. And the

truth is, even if we are very independent and

still need to recognize that interdependence

is what we've been designed for, within the body

of Christ, I need to recognize that it is a key

and built -in feature of the life and community

I've chosen to be a part of. If you've been baptized,

You have made this declaration and the community

has made the declaration back to you. This is

a part of it. We are choosing to be long together.

And so whatever fractures exist, whatever pains

exist, we trust that the community, that Christ

through the community is where the healing is.

It's where the growing is. Within the body of

Christ, I need to recognize that that's a key

and built -in feature of the life and community

I've chosen to become a part of. When we become

followers of Jesus, the church comes with it.

The church comes with it. Not just Jesus. He

gives you this, too. That's the point. Not just

this now, but the church universal and historic,

which I find also very cool. We talked a lot,

like we just did the Nicene Creed, if you, you

know. a few months ago. And we are still benefiting

from those who felt that coming up with a collective

statement of belief for the body was important.

That was in 300 A .D. And we are still, as a

church, benefiting from that body caring for

us. And so, full of broken and on their way to

healing people as it is, We belong to each other.

And so we are left with the understanding of,

I can accept this and learn to make healing and

growth and support a part of my way of life,

or I can work against it. There really isn't,

there really is no in between. I don't know if

anybody has ever read any of Frederick Bachman's

books, Anxious People. He just came out with

a book called My Friends. I just finished that

one. I love his writing. My Friends is gorgeous.

It's about finding the people that you belong

to. In fact, really, I'd say all of his books

are really, that's the main theme of them, is

somehow a form of belonging or not belonging.

In some of his darker books, like the Beartown

series, it's very distinctly about when fractures

and divisions occur among a community that believed

it held on to belonging but hadn't dealt with

its fractures, hadn't dealt with its pain. He

writes so beautifully and poignantly and sometimes

being almost silly and absurd about it, but they,

at their core, their books are about belonging

to each other. I understand the reality that

getting to certain points, you decide, I'm done.

I'm done. For my own sanity, I want to just strike

delete on this. And when that's the case, one

of the very last things you want to remind yourself

is that you need perhaps that other person or

other people. When threatened or in pain, we

often swing to the side of independence. I'll

show them. Sometimes almost becoming childlike,

which we're never all that far away from, to

be honest, right? How far are any of us away

from? I can do it myself. But I think... That

when the work is put into the healing and the

growth, the idea of deleting as the option becomes

re -evaluated. I've seen a lot of marriages pulled

back from the brink through all manner of things.

Some of them looking like this is the end. And

yes, having two partners committed to Jesus and

the growth and the commitment they made is a

good understructure to have. But it's not always

been present in the places where things have

turned around. And a lot of restructuring has

had to happen. A lot of things have had to be

fixed and healed. Again, I'm not married. I can

only speak to what I've seen and look to some

words of Jesus and the apostles for encouragement

and direction. There are so many aspects I just

cannot cover in this one message as well. But

I do believe in belonging and in being committed

to growth and healing and not just walking on

the fractured leg hoping for the best. not just

watching the crack in the ceiling develop, hoping

for the best. I believe in each of us being a

part of a whole and how much those things, how

much those in dedicated long -term commitments,

where you've spoken promises to each other for

life, have made a specific kind of dedication

to not just yourself, but the hope of someone

else's future. And so I'll offer this as something

to consider when you find yourself looking at

the delete button, which we have all done, we

will all do. But again, I encourage you to reevaluate

and consider what fractures may be there that

need some healing. Look far back and recognize

that the community and the belonging is where

the healing is designed to happen. That is how

Jesus has designed it for us. To whatever degree

you find yourself belonging to others or to another.

And so let's pray about that. Let's ask Jesus

to guide us closer to belonging in him. Jesus,

thank you for who you are and that you have,

in fact, already created this unique kind of

body of healing, this agent of healing in the

church. and the greater body of Christ, both

universal and historic. And for the work that

needs to be done today, for those who are considering

the fractures in their own life, what that means,

what that's meant for those who have been hurt

by unhealed wounds in our own lives, unhealed

pain in our own lives, what that means for...

The long -term future of others. And how to care

for each other. I pray as a church, too, that

we would recognize that even though in some ways

this is pinpointing marriage, but the church,

the body of believers, also walks alongside those

who are in relationships like this. And it is

also our job to be agents of healing. for those

so it's not isolated to one point but that it

is a community that is looking to heal and grow

together and so when we are around those who

are in pain whether it's things that we're aware

of or not may we be committed to each other as

well in belonging to pray for each other to care

for each other to provide for each other to be

discerning and aware to be wise to be in tune,

to check in with each other, that with all these

ranges of belonging that exist even in this room,

you would help us belong to each other with care

and responsibility and ultimately, as 1 Corinthians

13 goes on to say, with love, that all of this

is nothing without love. And so increase our

love. and increase our sense of belonging. We

pray this in your name. Amen.