Planting For The Future with Pastor Jason & Bethany

Welcome to Freedom Church.

And I just want to welcome you, especially if this is your first time.

But we don't ever take that lightly that you would come and hang out with us.

And in fact, the best welcoming committee we have in our church is all of you right now.

Can we do this?

Can we put our hands together and just tell everybody who's here for the first time?

Welcome.

Awesome.

Well, this is week two of our series.

We're talking about a better way to lead at home.

And you know, one of our hopes through this series is that we would be able to, one, this isn't just for the married people.

Like this is for all of us that are you know in every phase of life and every season of life that we're in.

And and I I recognize that in our church, I mean, we have a lot of there's a lot of people who are single.

There's a lot of you that are single again.

We have a lot of people in our church who who are married with no kids, married with young kids.

Well, we got a lot of married with young kids, though.

I was you ever seen downstairs?

It's packed out down there.

Anyway, it's like we got a new building, right?

We did, right?

We did get more space.

Okay, just checking.

I just, it's full.

Anyway, uh married with young kids.

But I know I know also it's like a lot of you, there's several of you in the room, you have adult kids.

You have kids that have moved out or are on their way out right now.

And one of our goals through the series is to go, how how do we how do we talk to the whole family, but also how do how do we how do we talk about your home in a way that goes, let's create a home culture that's not just that doesn't just work in one phase of life, but actually can like stand the long haul, can go the distance.

Does that make sense?

And so, you know, uh today's gonna be a little different.

It is Mother's Day, and and we thought it would be really good to be really practical today.

We're gonna get last last week we really took a deep dive into like the heart issue of like how how does our family culture kind of get a little bit sideways?

And today we're gonna get really, really practical.

So practical steps.

I don't know if you have noticed, but but it doesn't really take a lot of work for families to get weird.

You ever notice this?

Like, and I and I mean it.

It's like nobody like calls a family meeting and they're like, hey, family meeting, let's let's schedule dysfunction moving forward.

Nobody does that.

You don't have to do that.

It's like, hey, we've decided that moving forward, we're just gonna stop listening to each other.

Everybody on the same page, everybody stop listening, everybody get defensive moving forward, everybody get defensive, argue about everything, and you're responsible for making sure the holidays are always weird moving forward, always uncomfortable.

It never happens.

That's you don't have to do that.

That is automatic.

It just it just has a way of falling in in place, and so we're we're gonna talk about that.

What what is it?

What is it that leads us down that path?

Because I'm I know everybody here wants to avoid that.

Everyone's like, yeah, that's that is my life.

I'd like to get out of it, or you're going, I'm starting my life, I'd like to not ever be a part of that.

Like I want something different, and I would agree with you.

But how do we do that?

How do we do that?

And and clearly, if that happens automatically, then clearly to do something different is going to take some intentionality.

This is Mark 11.

You can pull it up on the screen behind me.

This is Mark 11.

This is Jesus.

It says, the next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry, so he's walking into Jerusalem during this story.

It says, Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit.

When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.

Then he said to the tree, May no one ever eat fruit from you again.

And his disciples heard him say it.

But this is actually not a story, just so you know, this isn't a story about how dare you, fig tree, and punishing the fig tree.

This is not a punishing the fig tree.

It has leaves, and the point of the story is you could there you go.

This is the point of the story is that it looks like he should have fruit.

It should have fruit.

It's pretending like it has fruit.

It's trying to manage its image that it has fruit.

And Jesus isn't going, I'm going to punish you for pretending like you have fruit.

He's going, he's going, This is a pathway.

That's a pathway, that's a recipe that equals death.

Maybe not physical death, but but maybe death to your relationships, maybe death to your spiritual life.

He's he's talking about, he's talking about an image that appears to be producing fruit, but not actually producing fruit.

This is Jeremiah 17.

Pull this verse up.

It says, He's contrasting the verses leading up to this, he's contrasting this nation's basically refusal to follow the one, their their God, the one who has saved them and is there for them and sees them and hears them, has compassion for them and heals them.

And then, but this is what he says about those who decide to attach their allegiance to that God.

He says, Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes.

Its leaves are always green.

This is this picture of like your life becoming fruitful.

Not just your life, but even your own kids.

Like what you're actually sending out into the world.

This has no worries.

How about that?

It has no worries in a drought and never fails to bear fruit.

I mean, how about that sounds good?

Let's get to a place where our kids are beginning to leave the home.

And it's like, no worries.

Because we've planted some good seed and some good soil, right?

This is this sounds good.

This is the this is a recipe.

This is this is the starting point of what he's talking about, as a starting point, I think, for the kind of home, not only the home that you desire, the home that Jesus desires for all of us.

But see, here's the problem.

Here's the problem.

You ready?

This is the problem, the tension that we all feel.

The problem we have is that we like to manage the fruit.

That's what we did, that's what we dig into.

We manage the fruit.

In fact, that's a lot of times when we when we walk into a place like this and we hear a message, we what do we often want?

We're like, bottom line this for me, Pastor.

I know you're gonna want talk.

You say 30 minutes, it's always 40 minutes, it's always too long.

And I just wish you would just get to the point.

Bottom line this thing for me, sum it up in five minutes so I can get on my way.

Because we think because we think, because we're going, just tell me the peace part.

Because that's what I need in my home right now.

Hey, tell me, tell me how to get rid of the depression and start prioritizing joy in my home.

Just get to that part so I can get on my way.

That's called managing the fruit.

How do I get this fruit in my life?

But I'm gonna tell you the solution to that because it doesn't work.

If you didn't know it, it does it doesn't actually work.

Here's here's how here's the solution.

You plant the right seed, you produce the right fruit.

We think we're gonna get peace because if we all just get together, we just go, okay, everybody uh huddle up, everybody huddle up.

You guys ready?

Hey, moving forward, we're all just gonna agree we're gonna be peaceful.

Yeah, it don't work like that, does it?

No, no, no, no.

It that's a byproduct of seeds that have been sown oftentimes over the course of years.

It's it it these are fruit that come from a seed.

Now here's the tension, and we we kind of talked about this last week.

Here's the tension is that I think I think all of us would say, I don't want to repeat the patterns that I may have saw growing up.

Everybody, everybody has experienced that to a certain level, certain degree, some of us more than others.

We go, hey, there's some we we called it iniquity last week.

We said these unhealthy patterns that often produce unhealthy home cultures that we often adopt and sort of implement into our own homes.

And we go, wait, how do we how do we do this?

How do we how do we navigate?

And we go, there's some things I don't don't want to repeat.

Now that's attention.

Here's the dilemma.

You ready?

We model what we've seen.

We just do it.

We we we model what we've seen.

And you know, I think so many times when we feel that tension and that dilemma, we we we feel like we gotta come up with like, how do I, okay, it's time to get serious.

How do I ensure that that's not me?

So we gotta come up with a winning formula, and and for most of us, the winning formula is going, you know what I've decided?

I've decided that we are never gonna be like that.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Sounds noble, even.

Like, wow, way to go.

Self-awareness, somehow, self-awareness equals transformation.

It doesn't.

In fact, I'll let me be real direct with you.

By the way, being direct is a spiritual gift.

So buckle up.

Here it is.

I'm gonna be direct with you.

The I'm never gonna be like that is a recipe for you to become exactly like that.

Come on, we've all been there.

I swore I'd never be like my dad.

And then you wake up one day and you go, Oh my goodness, I'm exactly like my father.

Come on, or your mother, whatever.

We've all been there.

I swore I would never do this.

I'm just telling you, that that's called an inner vow, and inner vows are actually inner curses, it actually sets you on a course to something, and I I I love this verse.

I think this applies to this, 2 Timothy 1, verse 7.

2 Timothy 1:7

God's not giving you a spirit of fear, but a power, love, and a sound mind.

And the point is this is that you trying to avoid something is not how you implement something.

You being afraid that you're gonna become something is not how you actually become healthy.

In fact, I'll say it this way: you won't break unhealthy patterns by avoiding unhealthy patterns.

You actually have to implement healthy patterns.

You you it's it's a it's a bit more proactive than that.

So here's what I'm gonna do today.

I want to try to take take for a minute and see if we can't come up with some better habits that we can implement and start today that will actually strengthen our future for tomorrow.

This is this is Romans chapter 12, verses 1 and 2.

Romans 12:1

And it says this therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God.

This is your true and proper worship.

Look at this, look at this next line.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world.

This is a theme, by the way.

That that line do not conform to the pattern of this world.

When you go back and you read Jesus' teachings, you he would often say things like, Hey, you've heard it said, but I say this.

You've heard it said growing up, but I say this is the Jesus way.

You've you've heard it said culturally that this is normal and this is okay, and there's nothing wrong with this, but I say this.

You've heard it said that that way is antiquated, but I say something different.

You do you see this?

It culturally, family norms, whatever it it might be for you, he says, no, no, no, don't conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Look at this.

Then, not before.

This is important, and I and I don't think we say this enough.

Then, after that, you'll be able to test and approve what God's will is.

I mean, how about that?

You you and I can actually know what God's will is.

I mean, that that right there, I know that's some theological, you know, theological conversation that some people have a problem with, but it says it right here.

You and I actually have the capability to know what God's will is.

There it is.

His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

By the way, it happens after transformation, after we're no longer conforming to the pattern of the world, which means this.

It means this.

When we pick and choose what we conform to and what when we when we submit to transformation in our lives, it means this.

Our ability to discern what God's will is is going to be a little bit muddy.

It's going to be a little bit unclear.

I want to speak to like some different phases, phases of life here.

I because I know I know we have I know we have single people in the room.

And I want to say this because I've been to enough messages and and sermons around relationships and singleness and all that.

And and this is what I believe.

And maybe I've even said it myself, but here's what I believe about single people in the room.

You're just like, here he goes.

He's going to try to tell us that singleness is a gift.

That is like textbook pastoring 101.

Tell them that their phase of life is a gift.

And then all the single people are in the room and they're just going, please.

They're rolling their eyes and they're going, that's rich coming from the guy who's been married for a while and has five kids.

It's like, you can maybe preach about something else.

Like, then nobody, you're like, please spare me.

And I get it.

Now listen, there's some of you that are graced to be single in this season of your life, and and and you, and you feel that way.

You feel like it is a gift.

But I know there's a lot of you that you're you're going, yeah, I'm single.

I don't want to be single.

I want to be married.

I want I want to be in a relationship with somebody.

And so let's let's just stick with that.

How about that?

Well, I'm just gonna assume that, okay?

And by the way, that's great.

There's nothing, that's that that's that's awesome.

In fact, that the Bible says that you should, and that that's noble and that's and that's good.

But I want to challenge you with this principle, and this isn't gonna be some radical principle you've never heard before, but I want to I want to tie it in a little way in a certain way.

Become the kind of person you're actually looking for, become that kind of person that you're looking for.

Now, this is an important thing because here's what I believe this is what I believe most of us get wrong, and I'm not talking about single people, I'm talking about married people too here.

Marriage doesn't exist primarily for you to become complete, to complete you for your happiness.

Now, I think we have to be honest.

Most of us went into our marriages probably with some sort of idea like I'm gonna be complete and now I'm gonna really be happy.

We just gotta be honest.

That's what a lot of us went into it thinking.

But you remember what we said last week, you gotta realize that there's no one person who can fulfill all your needs in your life.

And you get married, and then you're married for like a week, and you realize, oh man, the pastor wasn't lying to me.

He was telling the truth.

Like it doesn't take take long.

I watched this video a few months ago, and it was this car, like this little car trying to trying to tow like a big truck out of a ditch.

I'm just it was the dumbest video I'd ever seen.

I was just like, you just watch and you go, this is obviously I'm watching this because this is gonna be a disaster.

And sure enough, it was.

It was almost like the the back end of the car separated from the front end of the car.

It was dramatic.

I was like, that is, of course, it's like it's predictable, but it was shocking when you saw it.

You know, and I I think I th I thought about that when I'm thinking about this this this week because I'm thinking marriage breaks down when you put too much weight on it.

Like your relationship will break down when you put too much weight.

If your spouse is responsible for carrying your identity, by the way, I'm talking to single people and married people here because we think it's gonna fulfill us, we think it's gonna do something that it's not even designed to do.

If we think that our spouse one day will or is currently supposed to carry our sense of identity, our peace, our purpose, carry all of our emotional security, be the one who validates us all the time, be the source of happiness, that axle is gonna break.

That won't last.

I'm just telling you, you you gotta start with here, a spouse is a great gift, terrible God.

Great gift, bad God.

Yeah, I know, and then for those of you that are singing, I know it's like, well, what is it wise to live together before we get married?

This is a common one.

It's almost become the it's honestly has become the norm.

I want to say this about that.

I'll say this real quick.

By the way, here in not next week, but the week after, we're gonna talk about sex.

So I know we got some young kids in the room, so if you don't want your young kids to be in that service now, you know.

I give you two weeks' notice.

There it is.

It's not gonna be gross, okay?

We're just we're just gonna be honest, okay.

There we go.

Two weeks.

All right.

Let me let me say this.

Sexual intimacy is powerful.

It's powerful.

And and it has this way.

When you when you a lifelong marriage relationship requires, I'm not saying it does it has to, like, you can do it for the long haul, but if you want a healthy one, it requires a healthy long-term relationship requires emotional connection.

It requires emotional health and emotional connection.

And when we prioritize a sexual intimacy prematurely, we we mask uh the need for emotional intimacy.

And you think, well, you know, okay, well, well, you don't understand.

We do talk a lot.

No, no, no, hold on a second.

It will actually fool you into believing you're emotionally connected when you're actually not emotionally connected.

And it feels exciting before you get married, but then you get married and then you get like a year or two years into it, and you feel like, why is this breaking down so much?

And it's it's because your sexual intimacy has actually been masking the fact that you've never actually been emotionally connected or emotionally healthy this whole time.

And it'll fool you because it'll fool you.

What did we say earlier?

It's like you want to know what God's will is for your life, be conformed to his way, be transformed to by his spirit.

Like, don't conform to the world, and and it'll fool you because everything gets a little bit twisted.

What's what was supposed to start over here and finish over here, it gets all out of order.

And and here's what ends up happening.

You'll you'll think they love me.

You'll think that the other person is more committed to you than they actually are.

And and I'm just telling you, I'm just telling you, it gets all the wires crossed.

You know what?

And this is the conversations I have with most people.

You know, most of the time, I'm when I'm having a conversation about this topic, I've most people are like, I want to follow the Jesus way.

I want I I do.

I want I want the kind of home.

I want it, I want to be a Christian and I want to do things the the the way the Bible says, but then but then the pressure kind of sinks in, doesn't it?

But I don't want to lose that person.

I don't want to, you know, it's just like, yeah, I know it, but you know, I know my grandma would be proud of me if I if I actually listened to you, but you know, this feels a little antiquated.

It's just kind of like I I just don't know.

Is there a is there a way?

And and and I want I just want to say this.

When you make that decision, you're making you're not you're not making a values-based decision, you're making a convenience-based decision in that moment.

You're making a desires-based decision in that moment.

Okay.

Listen.

Here's what you're training the relationship to do.

You're training your relationship that your values are negotiable.

You're training your relationship that your values and and your convictions are negotiable.

Listen, whatever you compromise, whatever you compromise to get, you're gonna compromise to keep.

So don't be surprised when you're one, five, and ten years into your marriage and the lines are a little blurry in your marriage because you started with blurry lines before your marriage.

I I just I'm just gonna be direct with you.

It's for you, okay?

It's because I genuinely love you.

Okay, let me talk to married people here for a second.

I love this verse, Romans 12, verse 10.

Romans 12:10

Look at this, put it on the screen for me.

Outdo one another in showing honor.

Outdo one another.

You know, we don't say this verse enough.

The Bible doesn't actually encourage a lot of competitiveness, but it does here.

Isn't that interesting?

The one place it encourages us to be competitive in is honoring one another.

And I think there's a lot of like incredible like Bible wisdom, practical like applications for for those who are married in the room, especially, but I think it applies to really to all of us in in the seasons we're in.

How about this?

Stuff like this.

Prefer the other person.

Prefer the other person.

Now I know some of you are getting all excited about this.

See, finally, I just tell her whatever you want.

That sounds good.

You just sort of like that's all good.

Prefer the other person.

Like, see, I'm doing the Jesus way.

I'm preferring, and that's great.

I'm sorry, but there's a part two to this.

You ready?

Here's the second one.

You ready?

Go first, go first.

Like, wait a second, what is what is?

I thought I gotta prefer, now I gotta go first.

What's that mean?

It's like, be the one who prays first.

You already know what I admit, I'm talking to men here for a second.

Okay, you already know, you already know she wants you to pray.

Go first.

You already know she wants the kids ready so y'all can get to church on time.

Go first.

Like you already know these things.

Go first.

How about this one?

Love them the way they receive love.

This is a popular one right here.

It's just like, my goodness, lay off on the gifts.

It's like I don't need any more gifts.

Grab a vacuum cleaner, do some dishes, you know.

Say, like, love me the way I want to be loved, right?

Although it's Mother's Day.

I'm just like, I'm advocating, it's your day, okay?

It's your day.

Love me the way I want to be loved.

It goes both ways, by the way.

It goes both ways.

Love your spouse the way they want to be, the way they receive love.

By the way, I'm not even talking about sex, okay?

That's uh that's actually that's actually not part of this equation right now.

Come back in two weeks.

We'll talk about that more, okay?

It's gonna be packed, it's out the door, like, oh my goodness.

So silly.

Let's do something a little different this morning.

I got something, it's on it's Mother's Day.

You know what we're gonna do?

Bethany is gonna come up and we're gonna have a conversation with you.

How does that sound?

You give Bethany a hand as she comes up here.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey Yobi.

Hey, I just want to start.

I'm just going to go for a second.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in the room.

Uh, I don't know, for those of you who don't know, I have five kids.

So I see you.

Thank you for the way that you serve and love your family.

So much of being a mom is the behind the scenes, unseen work.

God sees you.

I hope that you feel seen, celebrated, and honored here today.

Can we put our hands together for all the moms?

Very good.

Very good.

Well, I wanted to do this for a few minutes this morning because I think one, um, you know, one of the things I think that you you've done a really great job of over the years is you have this way.

I mean, with five kids, five young kids.

I don't think most people most of you probably don't even know just how involved Bethany is here at the church.

I mean, she's it's a lot of hours here.

And so, you know, there's it's busy.

Is that is that fair to say?

Like life's busy.

And and you get pulled in all directions.

And I and I thought it would be fun to come up here and and instead of just me telling you on Mother's Day, like, here's how to, here's some practical steps.

It's like it might be it might be mean mean more to you to kind of hear it from from Bethany a little bit, but also us together.

And just it's not that, you know, it's not like we're sitting up here just going like this is the picture for what you're all aiming for.

Uh no, no, we're not saying that.

But but we but there are a few things that that we're winning at.

There's some things that that are constantly tweaking and we're constantly changing.

And and I think for a lot of you, I mean, like we said, we're in the throes of it.

We got teenager now, we got from teenager down to down to like six, 15 months.

And so anyway, um, yeah, I just thought it'd be helpful to have a conversation.

I want to ask you this, Bethany, because um when I look around, when I have conversations with people, most people, I don't hear my home is imploding.

Yeah.

I mean, there are there are some of you that you go, well, hold on a second.

I talked to you last week and I told you my home is imploding.

I know that.

I'm not saying that's not every that's not somebody here.

I'm saying that the majority of us don't feel like we're necessarily that our homes are imploding.

It's more like our priorities are out of sync.

You know, you got you think money, excuse me, our time, work, parenting, it's like church.

Married people are supposed to have sex, apparently, rest, extended family, you know, all this stuff that comes up.

And it's not necessarily that life's imploding.

I think it's more like just pulling in different directions.

Everyone's pulling in different directions.

And so um, you know, you think about like shared direction, alignment.

How do we how do we get our priorities, you know, and we think the kind of home we want, how do we, how do we, what kind of steps do we take?

And I don't know if do you have what do you what do you want to say to that?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

So I think I might share some stories, some just our experiences.

I I feel like it's really what's been really meaningful for us, important for us, is shared ownership, not just shared tasks.

And I think about when White and Annabelle were little, those are our first two kids, and I had no idea what I was signing up for.

They were 17 months apart.

But back to back.

That way, you know, they'll they'll leave quicker.

I basically had like one little baby and then one big baby who was destructive because he was a boy, and I was just like in over my head, and I remember that season really well, and just being like, Jason, please help me.

But not what made a huge difference for us was it wasn't just the he didn't, I didn't want to have to tell him what to do.

Like, can you please go and change that diaper?

Can you please go and do those dishes?

Can you please it wasn't?

I wanted him to like take ownership of our family, our life, our home, and just see it and do it.

Because to me, that said that we were in it together, we're unified, and we're doing this together.

And I think too, I don't even I think that that I think what you're talking about though, too, is like that's a that's a weight of leadership.

Yeah.

You know, you're leading your home.

Yes.

I mean, this is where I mean, even I think believe it or not, I think the I think with the principle you're you're talking about is like it's the difference between somebody who's responsible for other people and and then somebody who's responsible for being told what what to do.

Yes.

And you can be, I mean, for those of you that are managers, I mean, I know we have a lot of people who lead in the marketplace.

You know, you're responsible for other people.

You know, in the marketplace, you understand the weight of if I don't think about it, it won't get done.

Yeah, you know that.

But I think I think what you're talking about, it's like that actually translates to the home life as well.

Yeah.

If somebody's not thinking about it, it's like I I made dinner, it's like, yeah, but I had to tell you, and I had to tell you what to buy, and it's had to tell you how to do it, and you called me twice because you forgot how to boil eggs.

You know what I'm saying?

You're just like, that's like I know you did it, but all of the responsibility felt like it was on me.

See the difference?

Yeah, okay, yeah.

I think another thing to to that like goes to like being out of sync is being out of sync on priorities is actually setting the priorities for that season.

Like not every season has the same priorities.

Yeah.

I mean, I remember I remember we talked about this years ago, and it was like we like came to that, we just came to this conclusion.

It was like the kids are gonna get older, and we're just like it was like a revelation when we're like, oh man, we need we need a bigger vehicle, okay, because this is about to get crazy, and this is about to get really busy.

We we thought it was busy, it's now it's really busy.

And and it was like, you know what, the kids don't need to do everything in this season.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Like we it's not everything's a priority either.

Yeah, and I think that's been that's been a big one too.

And you know, you can talk about shared ownership, and there's something about being on the same page, yeah, and just not everything can be a priority in every season of life.

I mean, the truth is is that most of the homes in here are we have a lot of dual income homes in here.

A lot of you, your your spouse is working and and some and then you're trying to manage kids at the same time.

Yeah, and it's like um shared shared ownership goes a long way, and getting really clear on what's a priority in that particular season is gonna save you a lot of heartache.

Yeah.

Anything else you want to say on that?

Seasons?

Yeah.

Are you I don't want to get off topic, but I might a little bit.

She's like, I feel like I feel like I'm on a rabbit trail, then I'm gonna be talking about it.

Go off somewhere and you're gonna be like, dear what's gonna be sport.

What are we talking about right now?

Nothing about what we were supposed to talk about.

I was like, I will just I will just say for us, we decided earlier on, especially when our family started growing, we were like, we cannot be the family that's doing every sport every season.

It was like, okay, we're kids, you have to pick two sports for the whole year.

That's it.

So you better figure out what you want.

Because if you don't have any margin, and we talk about this quite a bit here, then you're not gonna have space for each other.

You're not gonna have space to be present for each other and for your kids.

Yeah, that's good.

So that's good.

All right, here's another one to kind of like piggyback off of last week.

We said it a little bit this morning already, and it's this idea of like bringing old family patterns into the marriage.

Now we're not talking about we didn't bring any family patterns in our marriage, we're just talking about you guys.

This is for you.

Yeah, it's for you.

Okay, we brought old family patterns into this marriage.

I think when it looks what that looks like, it's like, I swore, I swore I would never be like this.

And then the heat comes, yeah, sure.

The argument happens, the emotions get high, and then you find yourself saying things or doing things, and then you kind of like the dust settles, and you look back and you go, Boy, yeah, I just told myself I would never do that, and then here I am, I'm doing those things.

And so um what would you say to that?

Because I think you know, when it comes to like piecing your home and and like because this is again, this isn't just this series, isn't just like give me a great technique.

It's like, how do I get to this place where my home's genuinely healed?

I'm not managing fruit and trying to put leaves on a tree that's not in fruit.

How do I actually plant the right seeds so I can produce the right fruit?

Yeah.

So when it comes to to that, like what would you say to something like that?

Yeah, we got married really young.

I was 19.

Jason was 23.

And I I feel like a really good starting point foundation for us was going, okay, even though I still felt very close to my family because I was young, we are our own family now.

That now that we're married, even though we didn't have kids right away, it was like we are our own family.

So that means my family that I came from and your family that you came from is no longer our our family.

Immediate family.

Immediate family.

And that I feel like really gave us the space when you're talking about like these family patterns, like gave us the space to identify like home culture stuff, like what like I do it this way and you do it this way, and not criticizing each other or being hard on each other because of that, yeah, but because we're unified because we have our own family now, and we're going, how do we want to move forward?

What do we want our family, our home culture, to look like?

And it didn't, it didn't start that way.

I mean, it was no, not at all.

It's like we brought that revelation many years into it.

Yeah, I I I joke with Jason about this often.

So we both did conflict very different.

If you were here last week, Pastor Jason talked about how it's like you take one person who loves, you know, Netflix and the other one the theater, or eating the a night owl and a morning bird.

It's like you put them together and it's like, well, that's great.

Total opposite.

He did conflict completely different than my family did conflict.

We were avoiders and claimed we weren't.

I was like, no, we are dealing with stuff.

And it was like, but no, we're not.

It was very bizarre.

And then I married Jason, and he came from a family that was.

We love conflict and we run to conflict and we like yell and we're like, whoa! And so we got married.

Sorry, maybe that was a little too direct.

I knew it was.

Neither one was healthy.

That's the point.

Yes.

It wasn't like, yeah, neither one was healthy.

But when we were both able to go, okay, we have our family and we want to do conflict healthy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think, yeah, you're right.

Because it as long as it's my family, you joining my family, and me joining your family, then every time we have a difference, and this is what it was like, especially the first few years of our marriage, it every conversation became it was like, hey, I don't think like what you're doing is normal.

That goes over real well, you know, tell your spouse that I don't think that's normal.

That's weird and that's odd, and it shouldn't be like that.

But every conversation feels like a personal attack of my family.

But if you can go extended, extended new family, now it's not, it's less me criticizing your team or you criticizing my team.

It's going, hey, let's have a huddle.

We need to huddle up and we need to reevaluate what's working on our team.

Is this the play we want to run?

Yeah, right.

We adopted some stuff, but I don't think I want to repeat some of that stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, now I I do set because when we're talking about this, I know there's some of you, there's some of you in the room, this like really resonates.

You're like, oh man, yeah, I need to get the new family.

I don't have to do things like the the way that it that it used to be.

But I know there's others of you, especially as your kids are getting older and they're moving out of the house, you have adult kids, and you're like, hold on a second, it's not like I did it all wrong here.

I mean, come on.

It's not like home was that bad, and that's fair.

Yeah, and I think that there's something to be said.

You know, what one of the ways when you when you read scripture and you read Jesus going into a community or approaching an individual, the thing that always precedes healing is compassion.

Compassion precedes healing.

Yeah.

And so when we talk about like this, you know, us talking about like, hey, I don't like how your family, you don't like how my family, it's not about if the if the goal is to villainize your family, that won't produce healing.

Yeah.

Compassion will produce healing in them.

So we're making a joke of it, we're making light of it, you know.

I think everybody everybody can relate to it.

But but like the pathway to healing and you implementing healthy patterns in your life is not villainizing your mom and your dad.

Yeah.

It's actually having compassion.

Because that gets, I mean, we've we've talked about this many times.

It's like it doesn't minimize maybe your experience growing up when you want to break an unhealthy family pattern.

It doesn't ex it's like you don't know what they did to me.

You don't know how it was in my home.

It's like I I it doesn't negate that one bit.

But I think if God gave you a bit of a revelation, it'd go, yeah, but they got that from somebody else too.

Yep, yep.

And you could see, begin to see your dad.

It's like, well, you don't know when I was nine and ten, my dad did this.

It's like if you got a revelation of your dad at nine and ten and you saw him, and you went, Oh boy, no, no wonder.

Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't make it okay, nothing, but it puts you in a position, in a heart position, a heart posture that you can actually now receive healing.

Yes, not okay, but compassion precedes healing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was very good.

Oh, okay.

Okay, thank you.

All right, good.

I have nothing to add.

Okay, nothing, okay.

Well, I think I think this has been a part of our conversations.

Yes, it has, for sure.

It is.

I mean, I I I think, I mean, I can speak personally for me with my my my dad.

I feel like I feel like you know, going, hey, what kind of healthy home culture we have, and sure, there's some things from my childhood.

I don't want to I don't want to repeat.

But guess what?

I'm actually closer to my dad now than I've ever been in my life.

Yeah.

Why?

Because he's not the villain.

My parents aren't the villains.

And and it doesn't have to be that way.

And they don't, and I don't think they feel that way.

They haven't led me to believe that they feel that way.

I don't know.

I'm sure he'll listen to this message later and let me know.

There we go.

I again, I I think there's a lot of there's a lot of power in that.

Okay, let's talk about this though, because maybe you could speak into this a little bit.

Yeah.

Um it will this stuff inevitably produces conflict.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Like there's confrontations that are gonna be had with this.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, I I always think of, and obviously we've had lots of conversations around this too.

The Bible talks about being a peacekeeper versus being a peacemaker.

And peacekeeper is the more like passive, you know, just go with the flow, but it's not actually producing what you're really wanting.

Being a peacemaker, you have to move towards like you have to have these conversations and be prepared that the outcome for even just a moment may not be what you're wanting with your family because you are disrupting maybe the cycle or the way that things have been.

But it will, especially when going back to our family unit, yeah.

It's it's taking you and you're going down that path where you're actually creating what you're desiring or that by with the help of the spirit.

Yeah, I think, and I think too, I think everybody goes, I want this, like I want peace in my home.

Yeah, I want some joy, I want Thanksgiving to not be weird this year.

Like we want that.

That sounds good.

Yeah.

But just like reconciling that that's not gonna happen without some level of confrontation and conflict.

Because because you can decide, you and I can decide that we want to be healthy, but that doesn't mean that everybody around us has decided that they want to be healthy too.

Yeah, yeah.

And so, you know, it's just like, hey, Uncle, Uncle Jerry can't come over and and and drink all the time.

It's like, hey, by the way, we've decided that we're not gonna normalize that in our home before.

It's like, what are you talking about?

That's just him.

It's like that's him in somebody else's home, unless he wants to to adopt a new habit and be a part of this home.

And it's like, and that's not gonna go, that doesn't always go over well, does it?

You know, and so but that's I think that's what you're speaking to as well.

It's like that's hard.

It is hard.

It is, and I think we think that that that's not gonna be part of it, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, and it is.

You you can't get away from it.

Oh, here's a way to think about conflict is is that it's not conflict and confrontation for the sake of having a conflict, it's and we probably just need to rewire our thinking entirely.

Conflict equals clarity.

Yes, like that's what like we need to get that equation in our head.

We think conflict equals bad, conflict equals no peace.

No, no, no.

Conflict oftentimes is the pathway, is the gateway to peace.

It creates clarity.

And so you can do that in a way, you can do it in a way that's not yelling and villainizing.

Right.

Did you have anything to add to that?

Yeah, I think that when you're united with your spouse in your family, it's clarifying for you.

That doesn't mean that it's gonna be clarifying for everybody else and like accepting that that okay, they're not gonna understand, they're not gonna get that.

And back to what you were saying earlier, the fact that you start to have compassion and by the Holy Spirit be able to see maybe more of why your family is the way that they are, then it's a lot easier to go, okay, we can accept that there's maybe some drama that's gonna come with this, or they're gonna be upset or whatnot.

But we are unified and we can have and we have clarity.

That's good.

Yeah.

Next week we're gonna talk about we're gonna talk about conflict and we're gonna and forgiveness.

We're gonna do those, we're gonna do both of those next week.

And so we're gonna we'll dive into this a little a little bit more.

But for the sake of time, okay.

Do you do you have anything else you want to say?

Yeah, I do.

I think that I think last week's message, this whole series that we're in, and I I'm thinking of moms when I'm saying this, but I think this applies to everybody.

This is hard work taking steps towards being emotionally, spiritually healthy, that you're home, that you take steps with your spouse to be healthy and spiritually in your home.

It's hard work, but this is the work that's worth it.

And this is the work that you don't do by yourself.

This is the spirit's work in you and through you.

And it it's so it's so often it's just open-handedness and a willingness to allow the spirit to lead you and to guide you as you step towards the inner work.

And I love this verse.

This is in Galatians, and I think that it's a great exclamation point to our time.

Galatians 6.

So let us not grow tired of doing what is good.

At just the right time, we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.

Let's just keep going and stay faithful.

That's good.

Let's get better thanks for bringing up here.

Thanks, Pete.

All right.

All right.

You know, I think I think one of the things that everybody feels, you felt it personally, and I think as parents, especially, I think we need to be reminded of this at times.

It's like one of the greatest gifts that you can give your kids is a healthy marriage.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is a healthy home culture.

And um, you know, we we could we could dive into this, and it's like, is this a is this a marriage thing?

What is this?

No, this is this is a home culture thing.

You know, there's a there's a scripture, Ephesians 5, it's probably like classic husbands and wives, you know, do's and don'ts, right?

If if you've been to a wedding, you've heard a preacher talk about it, okay?

It's a classic wedding material.

And it's like, wives, you know, submit to your husbands.

And and husbands, take responsibility for your wives and your families, and and then there's a bunch of other stuff.

But then there's this, there's this, there's this part at at the end, and you think like, oh, this is for husbands and wives, and I'm not married yet, so I can just zone out, I can tune out on this, but then it has this verse at the very end.

Pull this verse, verse 32, it says, This is a profound mystery.

But I'm actually talking about Christ in the church.

I'm not actually, yes, I'm talking about marriage, but what I'm really talking about is you and I's dynamic with Jesus.

And if you're in Jesus, your first covenant is to Jesus.

And if you're married, your second covenant is to your spouse.

And here's what he's saying: he's saying, listen, if you're single, he's if you're single, then be then be radically devoted to your first covenant with Jesus and honor him into your life by by being committed to kingdom work.

But if you're married, then honor your first covenant to Jesus by being fully committed to your spouse and and honoring your your marriage and and and honoring your your home culture.

And and and you need to know this.

It's like I say when we talk about home culture, and Paul doesn't go, a perfect marriage is actually what exemplifies Jesus in the church.

So, well, I know me.

This ain't a perfect relationship, and that's not what he's saying.

Here's what he's saying.

He's saying every time you listen instead of getting defensive, every time you decide to honor each other instead of having contempt for one another, every time you serve one another and you stay instead of going, you say you decide to pray, you decide to forgive, you decide to work through conflict, i.e., ordinary life and ordinary relationships and ordinary marriage, when you do the ordinary stuff and you move it and you do it the Jesus way, he says, This is a picture of Christ in the church.

This is what it looks like.

We think that the deepest need in our life, in our homes, in our marriages, isn't is a new technique.

It's not the deepest need that our relationships have in any phase of life that we find ourselves in is a deeper surrender to Jesus.

More alignment with Jesus.

That's the deepest need.

And so here's my encouragement to you.

Let's move past managing the fruit.

And let's get serious about actually sowing the right seed that produces the right fruit.

Are you with me?

Let's pray.

Jesus, we need your help with this.

We need your help.

I'm just trusting, you know, that right now, as we go through this morning, and we and we talk through this material and we that there are steps that are being identified right now.

In fact, I know some of you right now you heard something today.

You heard something.

And it's not that you have to do everything, it's not that you have to take every step, it's that you need to take a step.

It's that it's that the that the spirit, he it says we plan our ways, but the it says that the Lord actually guides our steps.

And that's good news because a lot of steps can be hard, but one step I think we can do.

And so right now, would you by your spirit, Father, would you help us to identify what that step is that we need to take this week?

What's that step that we need to take to begin to break old family patterns that we don't want to repeat?

What's the step that we need to take to begin to implement healthy patterns?

What are those things where we need realignment around our re our understanding and what we think is normal in our relationships, our dating relationships, our pre-marriage relationships?

Like help us to get aligned with your ways so that we can actually tap into the life that you have for us, Jesus.

Thank you.

I want to give you this opportunity as well.

Because again, we can talk all about, we can talk about living your best life and trying to like create a home culture that's that that wins and honors Jesus.

But the first step to honoring Jesus is actually having a life that is first and foremost surrendered to Jesus.

And and and honestly, even if this worked for you, you would just gain the world and lose your soul, and it would make it pointless.

What gives it meaning and breathes life into it is your actual connection and relationship with Jesus.

And if you've never committed your life to Jesus, I want to give you that opportunity right now.

He died for your sins, he rose again, not just for the sake so that you could say a magic prayer and you could feel good that where about where you're going to go when you die, but so that you could actually be with him and you can actually tap into his life and you can get a new identity and a new sense of purpose for your life.

All of that.

And so if you've never committed your life to Jesus, make this prayer your own.

Jesus, I give you my life.

I'm committed to your ways.

I believe you died for me.

I believe you rose again, and I'm committed to following you for the rest of my life.

Thank you for saving me.

It's in Jesus' name we pray.

Come on, everybody says Amen, amen.

Come on, put our hands together.

Let's tell Jesus thank you.