How to Fight and Forgive

Well, good morning.

I want to welcome you.

Welcome to Freedom Church.

If I haven't had a chance to meet you, my name is Jason.

I get the privilege of being pastor here, and we are always grateful that you're here, especially if it's your first time.

And we don't ever take that lightly.

In fact, this is our welcoming committee.

Can we just put our hands together and welcome those who are here for the first time this morning?

You picked a great week to be here.

We're right in the middle of our family series.

We've just started this series off a few weeks ago saying uh there's a better way.

Like Jesus has a better way to lead at home.

And so this has been a very practical series, and I've been looking forward to diving into this this morning.

I'm going to start off by just saying this.

There's a myth around relationships, and it goes something like this.

We seem to believe that great relationships happen naturally.

Like they just sort of like are automatic.

And I, you know, oftentimes when I have this conversation with somebody face to face, you know, most of the time I'm met with a, yeah, yeah, yeah, I realize that.

Like I know that up here, that it doesn't happen naturally.

But then when it comes to how that's practically played out in our lives, sometimes our expectations get a little bit exposed.

We're kind of like, okay, well, this is turning out to be a little harder than I thought.

And we just kind of think, maybe, maybe I just need to move on.

Right?

So a myth, great relationships happen naturally.

I'm not just talking about our marriages, by the way.

Great marriages, like I'm just, they don't happen.

That's not the way it works, does it?

I'm talking about your relationship with your kids.

I'm talking about a friendship for that, for that matter.

I I remember when Bethany and I first got married.

I'm sure, like a lot of you who are married, were married, uh, you know, you you you start out and you just had these ideas, you're like, this is gonna be romantic, and it's gonna be wonderful, and we're gonna we're gonna have great conversations at night, and we're probably just gonna laugh, and then we're gonna, good night, and then we're just gonna do that all over again the next day, and it's just gonna be fulfilling and wonderful.

And then you get married for a little bit, and and you're like, this is a lot of logistics, you know, it's a lot of like where are you gonna be?

Where what are we gonna do?

It's a lot of budget meetings, you know, lots of misunderstandings.

And really, if I'm honest with you, I'm just trying not to overreact over the fact that she doesn't understand how to squeeze toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube.

There's a right way to do that.

I don't know.

There's a right way and there's a wrong way, and it's like, oh this is this is how relationships go.

Here's the truth: the truth is that great relationships are unnatural.

That's the truth.

They don't just happen by accident, they don't happen by default.

You you find somebody who's been married for a number of years and it's good.

I assure you, they didn't just stumble into that.

That goes for just lifelong friends.

You you meet somebody who goes, hey, we've been friends for 20 years.

I I'm gonna assure you that some at many times, many times along that journey of 20 years, just being great friends with somebody, there's bad to you've had to overlook some things, you've had to, you've had to compromise on some things, you've had to probably address some things, you've had to work through it.

It's unnatural to have a great relationship.

And see, this is the rub, because again, it's almost like most of us know this here, but practically it doesn't play out because usually what ends up happening is we have a we have a relationship that we care about, and then conflict happens, right?

Here's the conflict, and we think to ourselves, this is a problem.

There's conflict, and and so there's there's a problem.

Maybe the relationship isn't what I thought it was gonna be.

It's just like, man, we're we're we're fighting a lot, or I just didn't see this.

Is a lot of work, you know, for the friendship.

I don't know.

Conflict, but I don't believe is is the primary issue, usually.

It's immature conflict, is typically the the issue.

We're gonna read Ephesians chapter four here in Mo.

We're gonna go to Ephesians four.

And I and I want to say this because what we're gonna talk about today, we're we're gonna talk about how do you how to fight and forgive.

That's that's that's a practical today's gonna be practical.

Come on, that's some practical stuff that I'm confident we all need.

How to fight, how to forgive.

We're gonna get really, we're gonna get really practical through this series.

This is what I have found when we had when we address the topic of relationships and family.

It's like, thank you, Pastor.

Let's dive into it.

Yes, tell me what these words and where that was and where he was when he wrote it.

That's great, but I really need a winning formula so that I can stop losing in this area of my life.

Y'all with me?

So that's what we're doing through this.

We're gonna we're getting really, really practical.

And so, you know, a lot of us though, we we we we approach the Bible.

I I don't think we all approach the Bible the way we're supposed to approach the Bible.

Well, we've all we've all done this.

It's like I got an issue in my life, and so what do you do?

It's like I need, you know, I need to know what to do.

So you're like, you open up to the back, where's the index of my Bible?

Where's my keyword?

Oh, there it is, page 1125.

And you're like, flip over to your and you're like, where is the where is the mandate that says do this when this happens?

Come on, and then you get there and you're like, how why is this about that word?

You ever had that?

You're like, I don't even know, why is this even about this?

Why did they got it wrong?

They got it wrong on the back of my Bible.

And and here's why, because the main the purpose of the Bible is not to give you just great insights on how to win at life.

The purpose of the Bible is to point you to Jesus.

Period.

The whole point is to actually point you to Jesus.

In fact, everything he made for us, everything that he did, everything he instituted for us to be a part of, the plans he has for our life, all these things, all of it is intended to point us to Jesus.

And so you open up your Bible and you're like, okay, I'm I'm I'm listening I just need some insight on how to like raise my kids better.

I just need my kids to grow up and not be entitled.

Where is that at in the Bible?

And you're like, I'm reading these stories, and it's a little bit hard to understand because it's it's not that direct because it's actually trying to, it's actually trying to point you to Jesus.

Now, now here's the thing.

You there's lots of stories in the Bible, and there's lots of, there's lots of, and it's told in a way that really like there's there's so much, there's so much there that sometimes it's hard to even understand it because you're just like, there's so much here.

There's so many details that are shared, and there's and there's reasons for some of those details are are shared, and it's meant to point you to Jesus, but it requires a level of discernment and a wisdom to be able to pull out some of these things that we can see in scripture and then accurately apply it to our lives, which is why for many of us, especially when we're new to faith, that's really hard to do because there's a gift, there's a spiritual gifting around discernment and wisdom that the Holy Spirit has to develop in you, which is why we need each other, why we need the church, why you come here, and we're gonna talk about a portion of scripture where you go, Oh, I didn't know this was about conflict necessarily, and yet there's wisdom and application for conflict in the mid in the middle of this.

Is this is this making sense?

Yeah, so that's what we're gonna do.

This is Ephesians chapter 4, verse 25.

Ephesians 4:25

And this is written by Paul.

He's writing to the church in Ephesus, and he's he's encouraging them.

He's encouraging them to go, hey, you you're in Christ now.

By the way, these are the the the believers in Ephesus, they're like you and me, okay?

They've they've they were living their life one day, right?

Like not it, not the Jewish life, not the not like familiarity with Old Testament stuff.

No, no, they're just living their life.

They got a revelation that they need Jesus, so they've given their life to Jesus, but there's a lot of stuff there, right?

They don't really quite grasp what it means to really live into their salvation, live into their new identity with Jesus.

And so he writes to them and he's like, hey, when you're in Christ, like this is the right way to think about your life.

This is the right way to be.

That's a that's a novel thought.

Your relationship with Christ is intended to produce different habits in your life.

It should, it should, you should become a different person out of it.

You got to live into that.

And so that's what he starts doing.

He starts saying all this, and not just for your life, but how you interact with the people around you.

Look at this.

Verse 25, he says, Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor.

For we are all members of one body.

In your anger, do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you're still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen, and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you are sealed for the day of redemption.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

We're gonna see we can't pull out of this some ways to address conflict and forgiveness the Jesus way.

Are you ready for this?

Here's the first one.

We saw it in verse 25.

Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully.

Speak truthfully.

Now we got a lot of this in our culture.

It's like I'm a truth teller.

I'm gonna I'm just gonna tell it how it is.

And you know what?

That's not all bad.

This is a in a culture that is as confusing as ours, with a culture where you don't even have to have any credibility, but you are allowed to have a platform to speak from.

It's like the fact that you can do that, it's like, thank goodness, we need somebody to speak the truth.

Are you with me?

We we need that.

And in fact, this is one of the first principles around doing conflict.

Well, you gotta be willing to face the truth.

Now, I want to speak to this a little bit.

Because there's usually two different groups of people in the room.

There's those of you, what I just said, you're like, amen, Pastor, it's about time you're gonna let them have it.

Tell the truth.

And you're like, you're a true, I love, I tell the truth.

And it's like, hold on a second, though.

Um, but if if your motive is isn't if it's not fueled by a love for the people that you're actually trying to tell the truth to, that's just cruelty.

It just it just becomes cruel.

And then there's others of us we're just kind of like, you know, I people get all spun up about telling the truth all the time, and it's just like, my goodness, everybody's fighting, and it's just it's kind of hurtful.

And so, and listen, you're like, I we just gotta love each other.

I'm just love without a willingness to say what's true is just avoidance.

That doesn't produce anything.

And so how how do we do how do we do this conflict, the the Jesus way?

I you know, for a lot of us, uh I know, I know for a lot of us, whether it's relationships at work or maybe it is your marriage or or just uh family members, people that you care about, your friendships.

Um you know, there's sometimes there's this tendency, and we've all been there, we've all done this before, where we just sort of like, we just don't say what's really going on.

You don't talk about you get into a little bit of an argument, maybe, maybe there's something going on, and you're just kind of like, I just this is a lot of energy.

Well, we've all been in that conflict before this is a lot of energy.

Sure, whatever you want.

Just sort of like back up, and you don't and you don't actually say what's what's true.

And sometimes, and the Bible is really clear, like there's times where it's actually it's actually to your glory to overlook an offense, and and there's nothing wrong with that.

That's that's that's good.

But but avoiding conflict is not the same as not having conflict.

Like, like not addressing it is is not the same thing as not having it.

And and and healthy conflict, healthy conflict tells the truth.

Healthy conflict is willing to say what's true.

Well, I'll give you examples.

I just think about like, hey, we we we go long enough without actually saying how we feel about something.

We go long enough without without like defaulting to the people around us.

We go, we go long enough, we just go, well, I guess I'm not in charge, and so I just kind of let it let it go.

And then we wonder why we get like a month, two months, six months, a year down the road, and we just like blow up and we're like you bite somebody's head off, and you're like, and there goes that relationship.

And you're like, I just don't know where that came from.

And it's like, I know where it came from.

You've refused to be honest with what's going on in your life and you and in this relationship for a year.

You got to be willing to actually say what's true.

Listen, you can't heal what you won't bring into the light.

If you if you keep it in the dark, it'll stay there.

Now, I'm when you avoid conflict, it doesn't disappear.

It just goes underground.

It just goes underground, creates roots, and it starts growing up and it grows into these other these other things.

Listen, we've all been there.

Some of you, you don't need any work with this.

You just get in the car with your spouse, you don't say anything for an hour, 30 minutes, an hour, and you've already come up with a whole script of why they're angry with you.

They're like, All right, they haven't said anything, nothing.

You know, you come up with a whole script, and you're like, and when we get there, I know what exactly what I'm gonna say to him.

You know, just like, well, calm down.

Turns out he just didn't have anything to say.

Yeah, I was just having a conversation with a friend of ours in the church here this weekend, and he's telling he's he's talking about another uh key uh team leader here or team member on our serve team here, and uh he said he's talking about when he first met him, and he's like, Oh yeah, and when I met him, he's like, I made a joke to him and he didn't laugh.

And he goes, Man, he goes, I went 12 months.

I really thought this guy was mad at me for a year.

Can you imagine?

He's attended here for a year.

He thought this guy was mad.

He finally said it.

We all laugh.

We're like, Are you this is the nicest person you've ever he came up with a whole story in his mind?

Why?

Because he just didn't say what was true.

That's funny.

Everybody's done that, we've all been there from time to time, and and and then this is what happens when we don't say what's true and we don't actually get clarity and we don't see clarity, and we don't just go, hey, I'm willing to move toward the conflict instead of avoiding it, it leaves empty blanks.

And you know what we normally do?

We fill them in, we just usually fill them in wrong.

I said you got to be willing to move toward the conflict and actually be willing to address what's what's true.

Look at the next verse says, In your anger, do not sin, don't let the sun go down while you're still angry.

Now, if you've been if you've been in the church for a number of years, I just mean this just means you've been a Christian, been following Jesus from you've heard a lot of like a lot of little teachings around this one.

You know, it's like, see, husbands and wives, don't go to bed angry.

You know, this is this is that is stupid.

Uh I repented in the first service and I did it again in the second.

I shouldn't say that.

That's harsh.

It's not totally stupid, okay?

There's some good to that, right?

Don't don't kick the can of your conflict into the next day if you can avoid it.

That's a good, that's a good principle, but um, that's not what this is talking about.

You know what I'm saying?

My experiences around married couples, especially arguing.

It takes a lot of energy to have compassion, to empathize, to have the self-control, to not say the thing you really want to say in the moment.

That takes a lot of energy.

And then you're you're into the night and it's one in the morning, and you're like, we have to solve the conflict.

Like, no, you need to go to bed.

That's what you you just need to go to bed because you're about to say some things that you shouldn't have said.

And if you would just kind of hold on for a moment and pick this up the next day, this probably will go better.

Come on, that there's nothing wrong with that.

That's not what this is talking about.

This is here, let me tell you what this is talking about.

It's saying deal rightly with your anger.

That's that's the point of this.

Deal rightly with your anger.

Now, some of us, and I say us, because I'm in it with you, okay.

Here, some of us, it's no secret when we're angry.

Come on, don't don't act like you're holier than thou, okay?

Everybody knows.

So this is this has been an this is a thing in my family.

It's like my kids are like, hey, dad, you know, I'm a little frustrated, you know, whatever out here.

And like, dad, it's on your face.

Remember, you're a pastor.

And it's like, oh yeah, thank you, children.

Thank you, wife, for telling me.

You know, it's just like it's I'm up here, it's why I'm a it's probably why I'm a communicator.

You know, I wave my hands the whole time I talk.

I just like I'm out here, you know, and and burning, you know, it's like I got better.

Listen, I I'm not the way I used to be.

Okay, I'm not the way I'm I'm not who I was.

You can anybody relate that.

I'm not where I'm supposed to be, but I'm not where I was.

Thank you, Jesus.

Come on, you can relate to that.

Yeah.

Then there's others of you, you're like, Yeah, husband, you know, you, this is for you.

Deal with your anger, and you're like, but I'm not an angry person.

Oh, really?

Oh, okay, okay.

It's amazing how we find ways to deal with our anger in a way that's socially acceptable.

See, I'm not an angry person.

No, but you're really passive aggressive.

It's like, oh, I'm not, I'm not angry.

Yeah, but but sarcasm is like is like your your go-to language.

You know, it's like, oh, I I I'm not I'm not I'm not an angry person.

No, but you cut people out of your lives every time they don't do what you want them to do.

My my personal favorite, it's like you find a way to s over-spiritualize everything.

It's like, well, I'm just you know, I'm just discerning in this moment.

It's like, you know, that's not discernment, that's bitterness.

You know?

I you gotta learn to deal rightly with your with your anger.

See, there's a line with your anger.

Anger, I said, there are things that should anger you.

There are there are injustices, there are times when when you experience something where if you don't got some anger in you, it's like you might want to check yourself.

Like that should be upsetting to you.

But see, anger is a it it can be a messenger, it can tell you something.

It can tell you what's going on, it can it can point to something, like there's a wound there, there's something there.

Why is it that when that when your spouse says this or your kids do that, or your friend does this, why is it that that just like triggers you every time?

Why is that?

It it it can it can tell you something, it can reveal the wound, and this is the line that we normally have a hard time with.

It's like um it's not intended to be weaponized.

And see, that's that's the line.

It's like my it there's nothing wrong with going, man, this is extremely frustrating.

And you step back and you go, why am I so frustrated about this?

What is it about this exactly that has me, has my fuse lit like this?

And then there's that moment where we just kind of step over that line and we just kind of use it like a weapon and we yield it, and it's just like, God save you, you know, if you get in my way.

And that's not what we're talking about.

That's not it's deal rightly with your anger, and there's a reason for this, you're right.

You will become what you behold.

This is really important.

This is this is why an active life in scripture and in prayer with the Lord is so important because you become that which you behold.

And when you don't deal rightly with your anger, it it starts to form bitterness and it hardens you.

And we've all been there.

You're getting ready, you're like, you just start your day, it's it's a good day, until you're in there, just kind of like you're brushing your teeth, you're getting ready, and then you just and then you start replaying it.

You're like, oh man, there it is again.

You're just replaying these moments, and your anger just starts welling up in you.

And instead of ever taking it, taking a step back, you're just sort of replaying these things in your mind.

And you go, Well, what am I beholding that I'm gonna become?

I'm just like it.

You don't understand what they've done to me.

This is like a situation where they've hurt me, this is wrong, this is this is offensive, they shouldn't have done it.

It's like, yeah, yeah, hold on a second.

You it's it's bitterness and it's actually hardening your heart, and you think it's not changing you, but it is.

And and it's it's interesting to me because uh after pastoring for a little while and having a lot of interactions, either in a in a pastoral counseling or coaching situation, or just people interacting on a on a consistent basis, it's like you you develop a little bit of discernment.

I I hate to say it, but it almost becomes a bit evident.

You you can tell because we we think that we're hiding it, we think that we're fooling the people around us, but it's like, but you're hanging on to something, and it is it is turning you into a shell of the person that God actually made you to be.

It actually has a way of hardening you to the point where you actually lack empathy and compassion for people that that you maybe you used to have.

I'm just telling you, you you be you you replay that and you behold that, you keep that in front of you, it will begin to change you.

Now face the truth, deal with your anger rightly.

Like these are that's some deep heart stuff right there.

That's not something you just leave here and in a in a moment you made a decision.

It's like, there it is, I did the work today.

No, no, no.

This is this is heart work, this is deep soul level work here.

Oftentimes, a willingness to face the truth.

It could be in a conversation you move toward, but but Facing the truth and dealing rightly with your anger is oftentimes the unseen soul work that you're dealing with.

But look what it says next.

When we deal with that, when we deal with our own hearts and we move into the next thing, look what it says in verse 29.

He says, Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

Well, this is a novel thought.

Well, we've all been there.

Maybe, maybe we are that you know you know raising of hands.

I'm not asking you to out yourself here to this morning, but it's like you've been in that space.

It's like, I'm just saying what it is.

Well, this is a this is this cultural moment.

I'm just telling it like it is.

I'm just saying, well, it's true.

I'm just saying what it is.

It's like, you should probably stop that.

You should probably stop that.

Not because it's not true, but but again, remember what we said at the beginning?

It's a there's a there's a way, there's a new way that we live our lives because we're following the G the Jesus way.

Remember when we started this series, we we we pointed out how Jesus would teach often?

He would say things like, Hey, you've heard it said, live this way.

But I say there's a better way.

That that's exactly what's happening here.

There's a way that's normal, by the way, not according to what makes you feel good, that you did your part to say what you feel like needs to be said, but actually what is helpful for the building up of others according to their needs, which means that you might actually have to work at understanding people.

That it may benefit those who listen.

That's called giving grace to the hearer.

I'm telling you, that right there, you need to teach your kids this right here.

Because oftentimes we find ourselves in a situation where we're like, well, I'm just saying it.

I don't understand why, I don't understand why they can't understand me.

That's not a statement about them, that's a statement about you.

Grace to the hearer so that those who listen could benefit.

And then look at that.

Here it is.

You've heard it said one way.

Here it is.

Get rid of what's normalized in your life, the bitterness.

Get rid of what is socially makes sense, the rage and the anger and the brawling and the slander, along with every form of malice.

And and he says, but and here's the better way be kind and compassionate to one another.

I you know what?

We've all been here.

We've all we've all did this moment before.

You know what?

I'm gonna stop doing this, fill in the blick, whatever that is.

I'm gonna stop.

And then you leave here, and then a week goes by, two weeks go by, you're like, it's not working.

Go on, we've all been there.

I tried, it's not working.

Because stopping, stopping something is is not that's an incomplete answer.

What Paul's saying here, he's saying, you gotta replace your old patterns.

It's not enough to just stop, it's it's actually replace them with a better way of living your life.

Take your take what's old and actually have a new.

I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna stop using that language and that tone with you move forward.

That's great.

I would appreciate that.

That's not gonna work.

You need to start talking in a different tone and and maybe being grateful and expressing those things.

Like you're gonna have to replace that.

That's what he's saying here.

You need to replace some old patterns, replace the bitterness that's become normalized.

You wonder why you're still replaying wounds from a year ago, from five years ago, some of you from 20 years ago?

Why?

Because bitterness has a way of like peeling the scab off of it, and you dig into it and you replay it, and you wonder why it's still alive and it's still fresh.

Rage, you get into fits of rage, it just creates like a fog.

Does the opposite of providing clarity, slander, like gossip?

You know, we when we when we when we make that a habit, it strips people of their dignity.

Like we it really does.

And we don't we basically we basically create our own little court where we judge people according to the way we see them, and they don't even have to be present to defend themselves or to give a different perspective.

And we've just in that moment, we've just stripped people of their dignity.

He says, get rid of malice.

Like what is that?

It's with when you malice is when you stop wanting somebody's good.

Like think differently about people.

There's a new way.

He says, kindness.

You want to lower the temperature of your conflicts and your arguments, be intentional about some kindness.

It has a way of just bringing the temperature down a little bit.

Compassion.

Compassion remembers that the other person in the conflict is a human being.

That's a novel though.

I I read an interview from a uh divorce lawyer, this is probably a couple years ago, and then and he got born again, started following Jesus kind of later later on in his career, and he had sat at the table and and walked, he said, over a thousand couples through divorce over the years.

And he was being asked, is there like some common thread that you seen through all of these?

Is there something that you could you could point at?

He goes, Oh, definitely, absolutely.

He goes, he goes, nearly every couple I've ever sat the table with, he goes, at some point along the way, one of them or both of them forgot that they were married to a human being.

Like this is a person who's going to change and have different opinions and not gonna be the.

I always joke about my wife and I, we always joke, we've been married for 16 years.

We always joke, we've been married to about eight different people at this point.

That's what it feels like.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

You're like, you're right, you don't.

I know you have no idea who I am.

It's like you better figure it out, though.

You're right.

Come on, we've all been there.

It's like human welcome to being married to a to a human being.

I was driving down the other through my neighborhood the other day.

This is a few weeks ago.

I'm driving through, and it was like a intersection, no, no stop signs.

And I just want to start off by saying I was on the right.

That's what I want to say right now.

I just need to say I was on the right, which means I have the right-of-way.

Are we clear?

We're clear on the rules of the road, right?

We we understand the laws.

Okay.

I I not everybody gets the chance to tell the world the rules of the road, but I have a platform, and so now I get to say it out loud.

The guy on the right has the right of way.

Okay, I'm calming down.

Bitterness.

I'm preaching to myself today.

Okay.

So I'm driving another round.

I come to this intersection, I see this truck coming.

And we're going pretty much identical.

We're going all of 25, maybe extra, but we're going all of it, right?

And we're headed for a collision.

And I'm on the right.

Okay.

So I'm going to continue to go.

And we go, and I kind of do the like the the little, like, you know, kind of feather it just a little bit, like, oh, oh, oh, you know, just enough.

And I think he kind of got off his phone in that minute and moment.

I don't really know.

I just like say that because it makes my case stronger if he's on the phone.

Anyway, uh, that's another topic.

Okay, so he jumps up, he he sees it, and he hits the brakes.

And I and I, you know, and that no one ever likes that, right?

None of us like that.

I hit the brakes, you just like all the hair on the back of your neck stands up.

You're just kind of like tense instantly.

So I just mosey right on through the intersection right in front of him.

And I just do one of these, like, you know, like, you know, super friendly, you know, super friendly.

This guy punches me in the face, boom, with a middle finger.

What in the world?

And I'm and I'm going by them and I look at him like this.

I'm like, I'm like, ah, just like that.

I do that.

Oh, like, I'm a human being.

I have feelings.

That's what I'm thinking.

I have feelings.

That guy is in the service right now.

He's here today.

He's here right now.

I'm just kidding, he's not.

But that would be awesome, wouldn't it?

That'd be like the cherry on the top, but that's not right there.

No, he's not here.

Maybe he is.

I don't know.

I didn't, I didn't see him.

We can reconcile at the end if you are.

Okay.

Um, that's what we do.

We we find ways to like forget that that's not an inanimate object drive by that's an actual human being.

Come on.

That's that that's not just a that's not just an obstacle to my peace of mind.

That person I'm in conflict with is a human being.

And maturity, when you're when you're mature and you're going, you're you're you're actually maturing in Christ and you're not who you used to be.

Maturity doesn't just go, well, is it true?

Well, hold on, Becca.

It might be, but the more mature question is, is it helpful?

It might not be helpful all the time.

This might not be the time to address everything.

Like there, there's a little bit of there's some maturity that has to has to happen.

I mean, what's the purpose of of this?

It's like it's to build each other up for your good.

It's actually so that you could thrive, so that your kids can thrive, so that your your your relationships can thrive.

And and if I want to help you, if we want to help each other, then it means I have to care about how you hear it, whatever it is, not just how I say it.

Are you are you following this?

There's an old way, and now he's going, because you and I are in Jesus, he goes, There's a new way.

We need to replace the old patterns.

We need some, we need some new patterns.

Here's a here's the next one, because this is where this all sort of like culminates with.

Because if you're gonna do conflict healthy, if you're gonna go down this path, here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna tell the truth and you're gonna move towards some conflict, you're gonna have the hard conversations, and and then you're gonna have to realize, oh my goodness, I'm angry.

I've got to deal with this the right way in a healthy way.

Maybe it's a wound, I gotta get healed from that.

You're gonna go through this process and and you're and you're gonna go, okay, I gotta I gotta do new patterns, you know.

I realize that there's a way that's been normalized.

Maybe I grew up a certain way, maybe yelling was normal, and it's like now it's you know, that's not the Jesus way.

And and then you're gonna get to this point.

And it's this, and it's this next step.

Verse 32, forgiving each other.

It's gonna culminate at this forgiveness.

Now, I was I want to say this: this is one of the most powerful concepts in the Bible.

It's also one of the most wildly misunderstood concepts in the Bible.

I'm I it's one of those times, it's amazing how convinced so many of us are that we know exactly what forgiveness is about.

It's powerful, but it's very, it's very misunderstood.

So I'm gonna try to talk about it in a couple different angles.

For your application, for you and I's application right now.

This is what you need to understand about forgiveness.

It's what keeps the wound, the offense, the harm that's been done from deciding what grows in you and I next.

Don't miss this.

Forgiveness, forgiveness is what allows that wound to stop being the filter through which you make decisions with moving forward.

And you can actually grow something, like God could actually grow something in you that's not been polluted by a filter that's hanging on to an injustice that somebody has caused in your life.

And again, there's a lot of misunderstanding around around this this topic.

So I want to see if I can get some some clarity around this.

Forgiveness is about the past.

What I mean, forgiveness is is is is your heart posture about what's happened to you in the past.

Because this is usually not the context that we think of forgiveness.

We usually hear forgiveness, and it's like, well, they haven't forgiven me yet.

You know, there's a couple different ways you can say that.

You know, the tone matters.

Y'all, y'all with me?

Some of you men, you don't know what, and I can understand you.

We don't know what tone is.

Tone is the way you say it.

Come on, you with me?

Like you can say it in a way that it means one thing, you can say the same words in another tone, and it means something totally different.

Y'all, you know, okay.

You're like, this is what she's been telling me about.

Yeah, there it is.

And so tone, you could say it like, man, they just haven't forgiven me yet.

See, if you if you got a revelation of what unforgiveness will do to your heart and your soul, and how it will how it will eat your soul away, rob you.

When you get that, it will pain you that somebody hasn't forgiven you, not because you need anything from them, but because you know what this is gonna do to that person.

And that's called having compassion for the person that you've hurt.

Very big difference from well, they just haven't forgiven me yet.

It's like you're not talking about forgiveness.

What you're talking about is they don't trust you yet.

See, forgiveness, forgiveness is about the past.

How we move forward is about trust.

When we when an offense has happened, we've crushed trust.

It's a broken.

So we we can forgive each other, but that doesn't mean that we trust each other.

We have to rebuild that.

And that takes that takes time.

They're related.

Forgiveness and trust, they're they're related, but they're not the the same thing.

Uh forgiveness can be immediate.

I mean, that's the that's the beauty of forgiveness.

We can we can forgive uh immediately, but rebuilding that trust that's been broken, that's gonna take some time.

And you know what?

It's gonna take some integrity.

It's gonna take it's gonna take uh uh uh some some credibility.

It's gonna take time to do this.

It's not the same thing.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as a restored relationship.

I'm I'm telling you this because we got to get clear on the lines because for some of us, this has been so muddied, the water is so muddied around this topic of forgiveness.

It's like this is why we continue to have the same recurring conflicts over and over in our family.

It's why this person in your life has moved in for the fifth time in your relationship, and it just doesn't seem to change.

Why?

Because we're forgetting, we don't we don't have a clear distinction between forgiveness and trust, reconciliation and restoration, and these are not the these are not the same things.

And in fact, the offender, the the one that has actually caused pain, has caused the offense, actually doesn't even control whether you forgive.

You don't it has they don't maybe they don't even want they may not even care that you forgive them.

They may not even think they did anything wrong.

They they're completely indifferent.

That that's not that actually isn't dependent.

Forgiveness isn't dependent on that.

Now, their repentance and their level of repentance does affect whether trust can be rebuilt and whether or not you'll move toward reconciliation.

I hope this is clarifying for you.

I hope you're seeing the distinction here.

Forgiveness is about your soul being healthy, whether that person gets healthy or not, whether that person ever sees that they what they did was wrong, whether they whether you actually ever reconcile ever again.

Forgiveness is so that you can you can move forward, healed with Jesus, have an impact.

Your life can still be fruitful.

You don't have to lose your joy.

You can still, you can still bless the people around you, and it doesn't have to hinge on whether this other person gets it or not.

I actually have in the app, I don't know if you use the app, the Freedom Church app.

There's a place to take notes in there.

If you don't use it, I'd encourage you to use it and follow along.

Everything I'm we have on the screen is in there.

And at the end of it, there's I put two, I put two uh kind of grids in there.

One's on true repentance, and it just kind of walks you through kind of like a seven step, seven-step.

What's it look like when somebody really repents in their in their life?

Again, that's about rebuilding trust.

Okay.

Uh, I have another one in there.

It's a grid, it's called The Art of Apology.

Well, that's good.

So as we need like a hard lesson on how to apologize.

Did you know that saying you're sorry is a bad apology?

Did you know that?

I'm sorry.

That's a bad apology.

There you go.

The other person's like, oh, it's it's okay.

No big deal.

It's like, yeah, it might have been a big deal, you know.

That's a bad apology.

Actually, here this is in the grid.

So if you want to, you can go download this.

Here's a grid, here's an example of a good apology.

You ready?

That was a mean thing to say.

I was way out of line.

It hurts me that I hurt you.

And I'm gonna work harder to I'm gonna be more intentional about the words that I that I say to you.

That's a good apology.

That's good.

And then this is how you receive an apology correctly, you're right.

That did hurt me.

Thank you for seeing that.

I accept your apology and I forgive you.

That boy, that's that's a good, that's like a recipe for a great relationship, right there.

You seeing that?

There's a way to do that.

I'm just telling you, we we haven't been taught how to how to do this well.

Forgiveness and reconciliation, restoration, even like these are not, these are not the same things.

Let me give you some of the repentance stuff.

I'll I'll give you the extreme cliff notes.

You ready?

Here's what true repentance sounds like.

It says things like, I was wrong.

Period.

I hurt you.

Well, thank you.

I'm not going to excuse it.

What what what do I need to do to rebuild trust?

Well, that question right there, for especially listen, we've all been on both sides of this equation.

We've all been the ones who have been hurt deeply, and let's be honest, we've all been the ones who have hurt others deeply.

I'm just, this is a pathway, this is a pathway toward healing, reconciliation, even potentially.

We gotta learn how to do this.

Uh, I want to change.

I don't just, I'm not just interested in ending this conversation.

Again, there's a way to apologize, there's a way toward repentance.

Forgiveness, forgiveness is something that you and I are able to do.

Not because, not because it's the pathway for this relationship to be whole again necessarily, but it's the pathway for you to be whole again moving forward.

Listen, a real apology is not damage control, it's ownership.

And where reconciliation is wise, because it's not always wise, and where it's possible, because it's not always possible, rebuilding trust requires repentance, honesty, consistency, and time.

You know what?

If you are, if you go, Pastor, this is a great TED talk.

This is great.

Do people still listen to those?

I don't even know if that's still a thing.

Okay, but let's just pretend like it is.

This is great.

I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna I'm gonna apply these principles, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna conflict, forgive, that's great.

And that and that, and you're just like, I'm just gonna make a decision, I'm gonna I'm gonna apply this to my life, and this is gonna be good.

Can I just tell you right now, in and of itself, it won't work.

It won't.

Because this is not natural.

To forgive some, listen, listen, somebody cuts you off in traffic traffic, whatever, you forgive, you move on, whatever.

But when somebody sabotages relationships in your life and cuts you to the core and wounds you in ways that you can't even begin to describe, okay, that you don't just decide you're gonna do that.

You know that that that that's hard.

Actually, it's impossible.

It really is, it's just impossible.

That's why it doesn't, it doesn't actually work.

Just making up your mind that you're just gonna do this thing, it runs out.

You don't have enough energy, you don't have enough capacity for that.

It just doesn't, it doesn't work, which is why I love this scripture here because this is this is what it's rooted in.

That's the last verse.

Be compassionate, be kind, forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

You you can do this because God sheds his grace on us.

That's now been made available because this is exactly what Jesus did for us.

The Bible says that while we were still his enemies, that he forgave us.

That right there ought to crush most of our misunderstandings around forgiveness.

He forgave us while we were still his enemies.

Didn't mean I was reconciled to him, but but he forgave.

The cross makes it possible, and and a revelation of how God forgave you, church, is what will enable you to forgive others.

You know when people have been get a revelation that they've been forgiven.

People who get a revelation that they've been forgiven, they just forgive differently, they just have a different posture, and I'll even go this far.

Are you ready?

Your ability to for your ability to forgive will be in direct proportion to your revelation of the forgiveness you've received from Christ.

That could be a hard pill to swallow.

But it might mean this.

It might mean that what you think you need most is this person to get it.

You need this person to.

To to to be exposed, you need this person to change, you need this person to admit it, you need this person to see it differently.

Maybe they never will.

Maybe what you actually need is you need God to give you a deeper revelation of what He's forgiven you of.

Doesn't negate that at all.

Not at all.

In fact, that's probably what we need to ask for right now.

Isn't it?

Let's just pray right now.

Let's just ask Him for that.

Give us revelation.

By your Spirit, would you give us revelation of what it is that you have done for us?

The depths of our soul that you have seen and yet still choose to forgive us and still desire to be with us.

Give us a better revelation of that.

There's some of you in the room, I'm confident you're either getting, you're probably getting some of this right now.

You're getting a revelation in this moment.

Some of you, you're getting it for the first time.

And if you never committed your life to Jesus, I think you need to do it right now.

And so just make your this prayer your your own.

Just tell them, Jesus, I thank you for forgiving me.

Forgiving me of my sins.

Thank you for dying for me.

Thank you for coming back from the dead.

I choose to follow you in your way.

I may not even understand all of it, but I choose to follow you and your ways moving forward.

I'm all yours.

Thank you for saving me.

Thank you for saving me.

For all of us, I think you you probably have relationships going through your mind right now.

You have relationships, and listen, there's probably relationships in your life that are totally out of your control right now.

Totally out of your control.

You can't change them, you can't do anything about it.

But here's what you can do.

Here's what you can do.

You can reject bitterness.

You you can you can choose to deal with your anger rightly.

You can choose, you can make decisions to go.

There's old patterns in my life, and now I'm a new person in Christ.

I need new patterns in my life.

And you can choose to go down a pathway of forgiveness, not not because you're giving somebody a pass, but because you go, I trust for me.

And for those that I do have influence with.

And so let's just ask them for that.

Jesus, would you do that?

Would you give us the next steps that we need to take even this week?

The conversations that we need to have, the the anger that we have refused to deal with, the anger that we've been lying to ourselves, even that we even have.

Would you give us the boldness and the courage this week to bring it to you, to confess that, to maybe bring it to a close friend, just to maybe just to bring it to you in prayer this week?

And would you heal us?

Would you enable us to forgive and to forgive well?

Would you make us whole?

We love you and we thank you.

Thank you for this.

And it's in your name we pray.

Everybody said, Amen, amen.

Let's put our hands together.

Tell Jesus thank you this morning.

Awesome.