What Is Parenting All About?

Good morning.

Welcome, welcome to Freedom Church.

We're glad that you're here.

And uh listen, parenting is one of those things where you feel like you can feel like you're you're winning and you're losing all inside of like the same 10-minute window.

When all the parents are in, you know what I'm talking about.

It's like in one minute, you're doing moments like this, you're just like, we're gonna bless you.

Your life is just like it's gonna be good.

We're gonna honor Jesus.

I see calling on your life.

You're gonna change the world.

You're getting all prophetic on your kids.

You're like, I just see greatness in you.

Then very the very next minute, you're having an argument about how you do, in fact, have to wear pants in public.

That's real.

That's so that's how parenting goes.

It's a ups, ups, and and downs.

And and oftentimes you're just like, I listen, I I here's what I need you to do.

I need you to do what I'm telling you to do.

Like I just need you to do what I said, right?

Because I need some peace.

And I want to eat dinner tonight without having to get onto a kid, and and that's real.

Come on.

And sometimes that's exactly what needs to happen, okay?

But for today, here's what we're gonna talk about because we're gonna talk all about parenting today.

And we're gonna, I, you know, if if you're not a parent, don't just check out.

Just don't assume that I'm not talking to you today.

I think that there is something here in this for you.

Because as much as we want to talk about parenting, you know, but it's one of those things where you ever notice, you you'll notice this the older you get.

That you you think that there's like some sort of like destination in life.

It's like, you know, when I get there, things will be better.

You know, when I when I get a hold of this, that'll make that that right there will just it's like I'll I'll reach the quote unquote promised land and everything will be ready for me right there.

I'll be I'll be good to go.

And then and the parenting is like this: you get there and you think it's all about me, you, us as mom and dad, imparting wisdom into our kids.

And make no mistake, we're imparting some wisdom.

These kids know nothing when they come out of the womb.

You know what I'm saying?

So you don't even want to read the cereal box, you don't know anything.

I'm here to help you.

And then you start raising them and you realize, oh my goodness, they start pushing on all your insecurities.

Oh goodness, they start, they start highlighting all your gaps and your integrity.

You're like, I'm supposed to help you with your integrity.

Turns out I got an integrity issue.

That welcome.

That's what parenting will do to you right there.

And I think before we can get, before we get into like the techniques and the how do I how do I win at parenting?

I think we got to get to the heart of the issue.

In fact, this is gonna be my my first point to you is like we gotta start with the heart.

And I'm not just talking about your kid, I'm talking about yours first.

As moms and dads raising our kids, we got to start with the heart, we gotta start with our with our own heart.

Yeah, I love having these families up here, and we pray a blessing over them.

We as a church family make a commitment.

We say, hey, we're in it with you.

Come on, that's that's the joy of child dedication.

We're up here and we're going, hey, as a church family, we're in it, we're in it with you as well, right?

And it's like you're not by yourself.

And and and and I think when we when we see this, it's like we walk we all want to parent our kids well.

That's what we do.

We we we want to do this, we want to do this well, but in order to do this well, I mean, that's part of what we prayed, right?

You're empowered by the Holy Spirit to parent your kids differently and to do it really well.

But hold on a second, are you like is God able to lead you?

See, that's the heart, that's that gets at the heart of you and I as as as moms and dads.

It's like, yeah, okay, I want I want to parent my kid, but but is God allowed to, you know, in a in a way parent me?

Is God allowed to lead and guide me?

Is God allowed to do to do that?

Because your ability to be led by God is gonna have a direct impact on your ability to lead your own children.

In fact, I'll say it this way the condition of your heart is gonna shape the culture of your home.

It doesn't, as much as we like to think that it just it's all about just what we say to our kids, we've everybody here, yeah.

You we all know that it that it just doesn't work that way.

It's just it's not about just what what comes out of your mouth.

This is Psalm 25.

It says, May integrity and honesty protect me.

I uh for I put my hope in you.

I put my hope in you, Jesus, as opposed to my way.

I put my hope in God as opposed to what makes sense to me.

I put my this is a big one.

I put my hope in Jesus' way, not in my remedy, in my winning formula to ensure that my life, my marriage, and my kids don't turn out fill in the blank.

However, I don't want it to turn out.

I put my hope in Jesus' way, not my own ways.

This is a big deal.

Because especially when it pertains to parenting, there's this sort of pressure.

And the pressure says, I should just know this stuff.

Come on, we've all felt this way.

This is why we don't ask for input.

That's why we don't ever want to ask anybody for advice.

Who's just like, oh man, their kids seem perfect, and my kids are helliens.

You know, it's just like, and I don't want to ask for help.

Because I gotta like at least pretend like I know what I'm doing, right?

It's like, no.

I don't know who told you that.

Like, nobody, you know, anybody who's who's got some idea of how to parent well or at least halfway well, it's like you we come out of the womb like that, right?

There's some learning that's that that's happened.

We gotta do a better job of inviting input.

And and part of that begins with going, hey, I'm gonna raise my kids, I'm gonna set the tone in the culture of my home, not based on what makes sense to me, but based on scripture.

I'm gonna allow the Bible to become the final authority, not just as a theological doctrinal statement for our church, but I'm gonna make that, I'm gonna allow the scripture, I'm gonna allow the Bible to be the final authority of my house, of my home, the way I correct my kids, the way I engage with my spouse.

Like, I'm just the the condition of your heart.

There's a system to this.

You know, when we read the Bible, I think oftentimes we approach the Bible like it's a history book.

We're going to it and we're going, oh man, so this is what happened at the beginning.

And it's like, that's not the point.

The Bible is meant, is not just telling you what happened one time, it's telling you what has always happened.

It's giving you, it wants to cue you in to the system and the way that God has designed our world and your world, like the way the world you live in.

And so you see at the beginning of the book, here's God, God's on the scene, he brings order, and then he places a man and a woman together, and then they have children.

You have this sort of system and order to that.

And that's God, that's God's system.

He's not making some arbitrary rules about biology here.

No, no, he's putting together a system, and he's saying, the life that I've designed for you to flourish in operates inside of this system.

And see, this word we we talk about integrity and honesty, integrity and honesty.

Integrity is this word like it's where we get the word integer, like a whole number, right?

In fact, it means this when you have integrity, it means there's not gaps.

There's not like your integrity and your honesty, there's not fractions in that.

It's not split, it's whole.

Who you are on the outside is who you are on the inside.

It's it's what you say is what is what you do.

These integrity kind of moments, who you are here is who you are at home.

That's in that's integrity.

And I'm and make no mistake, the enemy will exploit every crack he can in your integrity.

He'll exploit every one of them in your with your kids, in your home, in your in your marriage, any of those fractures that exist inside of this system that God has created, he will use that against you.

He will.

So again, a commitment to our own integrity.

If you're married, the greatest gift, one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is you unified with your spouse.

You committing, committing yourself, going, I'm gonna stay connected to my spouse.

I I remember when my oldest two are really young, and they went through this season where it was almost like they got like a huddle.

They got a huddle together, and they're like, listen, here's what we're gonna do moving forward.

If you're gonna fall, you just make sure you fall on your front two teeth across the board, everywhere you go.

It was amazing.

It was like they would trip and fall.

They could be in the here.

They trip and fall, boom, they'd like hands behind your back, lead with your front two teeth.

Like that's what they did.

And I remember one of my kids jumping off on the couch, which that wasn't allowed.

I'm just saying.

Okay, so they jump on the couch and then decided, hands behind the back, lead with the face, right on the arm of the couch.

Just go for it, you know.

It was unbelievable.

I just like, you know, once you're just like flu.

Twice, you're like, what's what's going on?

Three times, it's a full-blown conspiracy at that point.

We have pictures, oh, and then add on top of that same season, my son, he would go, he was going through this season where every time he didn't get his way, you know, kids throw fits.

This happens.

My kid, he's throwing fits, he's slamming his head, his forehead, on the concrete.

Boom, boom.

I'm sitting here just like, oh man, he's about to throw a fit.

Time to get a spanking.

Then he starts getting throwing his head on the concrete.

I'm like, oh my, I think I'm gonna pass on the spankins this time.

I'm gonna let that, I'm just gonna let that do.

You know that?

Did you learn your lesson?

You know?

So we have pictures of that season of our life.

Our kids got gray teeth because they're dead.

The teeth are dead.

All right.

They've got gray teeth and scabs on their foreheads.

I'm just like, it looks like a war zone in our house.

And I remember coming home in that season, and Bethany would be like, I don't get it.

I don't get it.

I don't understand what's going on.

I'm barely hanging on by a thread here.

Uh Jason, I need you to help me.

What is happening right now?

They don't listen.

They're injuring themselves.

The doctor thinks I'm hurting my own kids at this point.

It's getting out of hand.

And we would have these moments, we'd end with the day, and I kid you not, this is a whole season.

So, all my young families in the room, let this be an encouragement to you.

We would end the day at times and we would just go, hey, listen.

Listen, you had a you had a great little heart connection moment with the kids.

Well done.

Yeah, you checked in on them.

And yes, they hurt themselves repeatedly throughout the day, but they lived.

You know that you know what I'm saying?

Like, I think we got to lower the bar in this season.

Just lower the bar.

They lived.

You didn't go to the ER today.

It was a good day, you know, and you had a heart connection.

You're winning in that.

Come on, you're winning in that season.

That's real.

It listen, it isn't about if your kids are gonna mess up.

It's not about if your kids are even gonna embarrass you from time to time.

Listen to me, it's just a matter of when.

That's how it goes with parenting.

So here's what I'd say to you don't just react to behavior.

You gotta parent the heart.

You gotta parent the heart.

This takes wisdom, this takes discernment.

This isn't automatic.

What do I mean?

Listen, there's times when our kids will act in a certain way.

We because we do this as adults, and it's just kind of our personalities.

It's just kind of like us kind of coming out of them a little bit, you know, you know what I'm saying?

You just kind of act as our it takes discernment, some wisdom in the moment to go, hold on a second.

Is this just them some quirkiness?

Is this just their age?

Is this just their personality or is this rebellion?

Is this defiance?

Is this is this something?

It takes it takes some.

See, that's that's not just being consumed about whether or not you're gonna have a peaceful dinner in the evening and be hyper concerned about behavior.

This is about parenting, parenting the heart.

Look, this is this is Jeremiah's.

By the way, here before you pull that verse up, I know culturally, the cultural narrative, uh, we've just sort of like absorbed it.

We don't even, honestly, I think for a lot of us, we don't even think twice about this.

It's hard for us.

It's hard for us because sometimes the the starting point for how the Bible thinks about you and I in our kids is different than the way we think about ourselves and each other and our in our kids.

We we think our kids have a great heart.

We we think, oh my kids got it, they got a just a wonderful heart, or that person's got a wonderful heart, or I've got, I've got a I've got a good heart.

Now, hear me when I say a good heart, I'm not saying that that if you don't know Jesus, you you can't be a quote, good person.

Like you can't do good things and be a great person to be around.

No, that's not at all what we're saying.

When we say a good heart, we're talking about the seeds.

The seeds of the worst of us live inside the best of us.

And that's a little bit different than the cultural narrative around the state of our hearts.

Look at Jeremiah 17.

It says, the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.

That's a that's a different narrative.

It's deceitful and beyond beyond cure.

Nobody likes to see any kid versus the much less their own kid, like struggling with like a sense of like confidence, self-confidence, and just like a an unhealthy degree of timidity that sort of stops them from tackling life, doing hard things, being a bit sheepish about taking some necessary risks in their life.

And the culture's come up with an antidote for that.

We decided, you know what our kids need?

They need a greater level of self-esteem.

And I get that.

It's like, listen, you need to think more highly of yourself.

That's the problem.

And I get, listen, when I see a kid who's lacking confidence or my own kids, I mean, I don't, I'm pained.

I'm just like, no, we gotta, we gotta change this.

It's like, no, we gotta, we wanna encourage them a little bit.

And so we've come up with a plan.

We've come up with a winning play, self-esteem.

Think more highly of yourself.

Not a Bible plan, though.

That's not a Bible, that's not a Bible formula.

The Bible Bible formula says not self-esteem, it says Christ's esteem.

It says, it doesn't say think more highly of yourself.

It actually says quite the opposite.

It says, think more, think properly about yourself, think more highly of Jesus.

Why?

Because we think self-esteem is what we need.

We don't, we need self-value.

You want to increase your kids' level of self-value, you implement a level of self of Christ esteem.

Why did why does that produce self-value?

He gave his life for you, he gave his life for your kids' life.

That's valuable.

It's an increase of self-value, not just a sense of arrogance and conceit.

It's like, no, no, no, no.

We're talking about self-value.

Again, this is this is building block stuff.

I'm talking about like square one.

What is it that we're building on in our lives and parenting from with our kids?

We gotta get the we gotta get the right premise, the first step, and that that's this right here.

It starts with it starts with Jesus.

You know, as moms and dads, and you're setting the the tone of the culture in your in your home, we don't there's you know, it's not we're not God.

It's not like it's not like it's not like we're we're we're coming to our kids and we're saying, hey, listen, I'm I'm God moving forward.

You can't hear from God, I can hear from God, and that's it.

That's not what we're saying.

But make no mistake of this.

The way that you lead and exercise authority in your home is completely impacting your kids' understanding of who God is.

You can't you can't get away from that.

You're you're modeling something for them, and they're gonna take their cues about God's character, how he interacts with you and me, how how to respond when they fail in life, because we are all gonna fail from time to time.

The way you exercise authority and the way that you lead is going to impact.

And see, this goes, this goes far beyond just like do what I say.

I mean, I think about like when it comes time to parent the heart, I'm talking about like how your kids interact with teachers and coaches and leaders.

It's like, oh my goodness, your kid comes home, and they're like, You won't believe what my coach said, you won't believe what my teacher said.

And there's this sort of like new jerk reaction.

Couldn't we love our kids and we just kind of want to like get in there with them and defend them a little bit?

We're just like, I can't believe it.

Hold on a second.

Maybe it's not about the teacher, maybe it's not about the coach, maybe it's not about the leader, maybe it's about your kid's heart.

And I'm not even talking about, well, we got to determine whether the coach was right or wrong.

Why?

As a parent, when we talk about parenting your kids' heart, don't miss these opportunities to parent your kids' hearts.

You have your kid comes along and they they got a problem with the they got a problem with a teacher.

I'll just tell you how it goes in my home.

You ready?

We got a problem with my teacher.

You won't believe what she did, and then we all got punished and it wasn't fair.

Come on, that's classic school right there, right?

And my my question is always no kidding.

So, what did your teacher say when you talked to her about this?

Like, well, I didn't, I was hoping you would call her something.

It's like, yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

It's like, you won't believe my coach.

He said I can't play because of X, Y, and Z, and he's playing this other kid, and that guy, that kid's no good.

It's like, wow.

So what did your coach say?

Listen, I'm not saying, listen, I will coach you through these seasons.

I will coach you to interact with the authority figures that are in your life.

I will coach you to have healthy conversations and teach you how to do healthy conflict, but I ain't gonna run around and be God for you.

We're not doing in our kids any favor, running around trying to fix all the problems for them.

It requires energy.

And I'm talking about, like I said, teachers, coaches, leaders, pastors, your kids as teachers downstairs right now.

I'm talking about all of it.

I mean, we've had some moments.

It's like you come home and it's like, oh, my coach did this.

It's like, great, here's what you're gonna do, because I'm gonna coach, right?

Because I'm gonna parent you, right?

I'm gonna coach you.

Here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go to practice and you're gonna go, coach, I apologize for my attitude.

That was unacceptable.

I'm ready to receive whatever it is you want me to do.

Would you like me to run?

Okay, great.

I will run for as long as you run.

And then when you're done, you're gonna go and you're gonna stand in that attention and go, thank you, sir.

That's what you're gonna do.

That's called parenting.

That's that's called coaching your kids through these things.

I'm just saying, let's make no mistakes.

How you teach your kids to interact with authoritative figures in their life is exactly how they will respond to the voice of God in their life.

They're understanding.

It takes energy, and this is not easy stuff.

I mean, I'll be the first to admit it's a lot easier to just sort of overlook some of this, but it takes energy.

Behavior modification is not the goal here, it's it's heart stuff, heart stuff.

I know, listen, for a lot of us, this is hard, especially when we start talking about like discipline.

And so it's hard because for a lot of us, we just have like a we got like a bad reaction to the idea of discipline.

It's sort of a bad, like for even as adults, we don't like to be corrected.

We don't like discipline.

We're like, that's not for me.

So we we don't interpret discipline correctly, we so we we see discipline, correction, we see it as rejection.

So we get a little bit, we get maybe maybe a lot of bit defensive.

And I want to help you out because I think you need to, we need to redefine.

We need to we need a new understanding of discipline.

Here it is, you ready?

Discipline is love.

Discipline is is love.

I remember growing up with my mom a couple times.

Like I remember being a kid, you know, my parents would go out, hang out with friends on the weekend.

And uh sometimes we stay home, you know, just like, hey, listen, just you know, watch a movie.

Don't kill each other, don't burn the house down, and don't call us unless you're absolutely bleeding, and it better be like serious bleeding, you know, like that kind of thing.

That was my childhood.

And so, and then every now and then, and then every now and then they'd be like, hey, we're going over to so-and-so's house, and they got kids your age, so you're gonna come with, y'all are gonna hang out.

It's like, okay.

So we go to their house, and it would get kind of late.

Like, mom, I know I'm really, I'm really tired, you know.

I'm ready to, I'm ready to go home.

And my mom would be like, go find a corner.

You know, we're not done here.

Like, oh, stop serious, this is my childhood.

Go find a corner, roll up.

And I remember a few times as a kid just kind of like getting a little blanket, you know, a little shawl, and just like trying to sleep on the floor in the living room in a corner.

Let me just tell you something.

I was under no illusions.

The world did not revolve around me as a child.

That was my childhood.

And now as a parent, I have these moments, and I'm like, I'm over here like negotiating with a four-year-old, and I'm sitting here, it's just like you you think I was trying to settle a labor dispute or something.

I'm sitting here just like, what am I doing?

You know, like I'm bigger than you.

Come on, like, no, you don't even know what to read.

Why am I even having this conversation with you?

Come on, remember the war on terror for the longest time.

Remember the mod, remember the motto we will not negotiate with terrorists.

That's parenting advice.

That's what that is.

We will not negotiate with terrorists.

If they were bigger than you, they'd probably kill you at this point.

You'd I'm not exaggerating.

There's a reason they come out small.

They practically want to kill themselves all the time.

It's like, are you kidding me?

Throwing, can you imagine a grown man throwing a fit like that?

You'd be in trouble.

No way.

I'm just saying, there's a reason.

Discipline is love.

Have you ever known culturally?

You know what the motto is culturally?

Everything's for the children.

Everything's for the children.

I saw a political ad because it's getting that political season right now, right?

All the ads are coming up.

And I saw a political ad for North somebody in North Dakota.

And it pops up and they're telling you, vote for me for this reason, vote for me for that reason.

Okay, okay.

It comes to the end of it.

And at no point in the whole commercial did they ever say it, but right at the very end, a little tag line, vote for so-and-so, it's for the children.

I was like, There it is! Everything's for the children.

We're not doing our kids any favor when we tell them the whole world's about them.

It ain't all about the children.

No, no, no, no.

Discipline is love.

Look at Proverbs 22.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.

Folly.

But the rod of discipline will drive it far away.

There you go.

There's a rewiring around what discipline is.

It's not punishment.

It's not punishment.

In fact, you can teach your kids this.

Jesus took our punishment.

We're disciplining, we're correcting, we're guiding.

You know what we're doing?

We're driving it, rebellion.

We're driving sin far away from the folly that's bound up in their heart.

We're driving that.

It's not about punishment.

It's not about making them suffer.

It's not about going, there will be consequences.

Well, maybe there will be.

But it isn't about for the sake of punishment.

Your kids get a little older and you're like, listen, uh, no PlayStation, no, no, no Nintendo Switch, whatever.

I don't know what anybody plays anymore.

So whatever.

It's like you don't get it.

It's just like, oh, you know what, no, I'm not doing this because I want you to suffer.

I'm doing this because there's a moment as you are going along in your childhood here, I can tell that when I warned you the first or second time, it didn't register.

And what I need to ensure is that the next time you're at the crossroads of obedience and disobedience, when you're at the crossroads of following the way of Jesus or rebelling, I need something to stick with you so that you will remember.

Oh yeah, make the right decision.

That's called parenting.

It's not about punishment.

Driving it far from them.

Here we go, Hebrews 12.

Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves.

By the way, this this isn't written primarily for parenting, although it's a great application.

This is for all of us.

The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.

Listen to this.

Because if you if you are resistant to correction, if you're resistant to being led yourself, to being corrected, it's going to impact your ability to correct and lead your own children.

The mark of a legitimate child, the mark of a legitimate son and daughter is discipline.

He disciplines those he loves.

That's why the Bible says it's the wise love correction.

You correct a wise person, they'll kiss you.

Thank you.

Why?

Because I'm eager to close the gaps of my integrity so that I can honor Jesus with my life.

I want to live the Jesus way.

It's the way I was designed to live my life.

And I'm just saying for some of us, if you missed any part of this series, I would encourage you to go back because for a lot of us, we're not living our lives, whether we're talking about our relationships, friendships, marriages, dating life, or raising kids, we're doing it not based on a play that we've gotten from scripture or based on wisdom and discernment.

We're doing one based on iniquity.

The things in our life we're determined to not repeat.

Determined to do what makes sense to us.

Hebrews 12, look a few verses later.

No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful.

Maybe that's why our kids don't listen to us.

Maybe there's no pain involved in it.

Nevertheless, afterward, it's temporary.

There you go, it's not forever, it's just temporary.

It yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who've been trained by it.

Peaceable fruit of righteousness.

We're not talking about anger.

We're not talking about abuse.

We're talking about the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

That's what we're talking about.

Again, we don't negotiate with rebellion.

We don't negotiate.

We don't make excuses for this.

We don't weaken eye at this.

Not because we're trying to create rigid homes.

No, no, no.

But because things that compromise the order that God's created for our homes, it robs your joy and it robs your peace.

You want to know why you're tired all the time parenting your kids?

Discipline is love.

And I know I hear it.

It's just like, well, my kid is different.

Oh, we've all about this for a time.

My kid's different though.

We've tried.

We all we we spanked him, it's just not working.

Listen, I remember when my my oldest, he went through this season, and it was like every single day, you're like, we would spank this kid.

It's like don't do this.

Spank him.

And not just once a day, not even twice a day, like three times a day or more sometimes.

We're just like, and I remember Bethany, she was just so exasperated because I'd be at work.

I'm at work, you know, then I gotta come home.

And then it was like, you know, it was like tag team.

It's like, tag, I'm done.

You know, you're in, you know.

And I remember we come to the end of the day, and she'd be like, it doesn't work.

It doesn't work, he doesn't listen, it's not, it's not working.

And we had this moment where like we we had to do this to for each other many times.

Like, just keep going.

Just just keep, let's just not stop.

Let's just keep that's called a strong-willed child.

Like, I know you're gonna be a boss one day, but not today.

Come on, and not in my house, no way.

That's a strong-willed child right there.

Keep on going.

It wasn't eight days, it wasn't two months, it was like two solid years of that.

Woo! It doesn't, and then one day we went, we got I remember we sitting there, we're having coffee, we're like, man, I feel like it's been like a week since this kid's got a spake in.

We're just like, oh my goodness, let's just start dancing, like, let's run.

Like it was amazing.

It's like it just kind of sort of, it's like suddenly it happened.

Here's what I'm telling you: be disciplined to discipline.

Be disciplined to discipline.

It is hard work.

You want to be a good parent?

Let me just tell you something.

Good kids aren't produced passively.

It doesn't happen because we were just, we just showed up.

I'm just telling you.

It takes work, it takes energy.

Be disciplined to discipline.

You create more work for yourself, believe it or not, when you avoid it.

Look at Proverbs 13.

Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their their children is careful to discipline them.

You're like, oh man, we've heard that before, right?

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

That's not what the Bible says.

The Bible says hate.

Well, that's a little bit harsh, Pastor.

I don't know about hate the child.

Hold on a second.

When you're when you tolerate, when we tolerate our kids not listening, not listening to their mom, not listening to their dad, not listening to their coach, their teacher, their leaders, or their co-whatever it might be, when we when we tolerate that, we're we're we're teaching them you don't actually have to listen to the voice of God.

This is why it's so vital when they're young.

You how you instruct them in this season will determine how they approach God moving forward.

And here's the hard part they're gonna learn this one way or another.

You wonder why we grow up, we got a we got a whole generation that doesn't want to listen to police officers, we got a whole generation of people that doesn't want to listen to any sort of authority.

You get bonus points if you're rebellious, you get bonus points for being suspicious of everything that's organized.

You wanna know where that comes from?

That's not a that's not just that's not just people just coming into their own.

That's a generational, that's an entire generation that's missed this point.

We've we've missed this.

Either our kids can learn this at home with temporary consequences, or they can learn it one day when they're in the back of a police car.

Or they can learn it one day when they're on their sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth job.

I'm just telling you, our kids learn it.

They either learn it at home or they learn it the hard way.

Here's what some of us need to know.

Here's some here's some things, because you need something to aim at, don't you?

It's just like, what am I aiming at my kids?

Because a peaceful dinner tonight does sound like a pretty good aim.

Like, do what I tell you.

Come on, do what I tell you so I don't have a headache tonight when I'm eating my dinner.

That's sometimes that's not a bad goal in mind, but let me give you a better goal.

You ready?

Our kids, if they're gonna succeed, here's what they need.

They need a couple things.

They need to learn how to serve and prefer other people.

They need to learn how to serve and prefer other people.

It's not just discipline for the sake of I you will obey me and do exactly as I.

That's no, no, no.

It's about teaching them and guiding them and pastoring them.

You pastor them in your home to serve and prefer other people.

You know, when you when you discipline your kids and you have these moments, it's like here's here's what you're aiming for.

Here's what you're aiming for repentance.

Repentance.

What do you do?

God is aiming for when He leads and corrects us?

Repentance.

What's repentance look like?

Yeah, come on, we've all been that.

Some of you, you are this kid.

You're just in an adult body now.

It's like sit down.

You're like, okay, but you're standing up on the inside.

You want to like, okay, that's great.

So is that all I'm looking for?

For you to just do what I tell you in this moment?

No, I'm looking for a change of values, I'm looking for a change of behavior, I'm looking for a change of the tone in your voice.

I'm looking for you to stop heading that direction and start going that direction.

That's what I'm looking for.

That's called repentance.

That's what we're aiming for.

Look at this.

This is Ephesians chapter 6.

Ephesians 6 · chapter mention

It says, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

That's for children.

So if you're in a if you have adult kids, don't weaponize that again?

That's for children, not for your adult kids.

This one's for your adult kids.

All right.

Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it will it may go well with you, and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.

Listen, when we are not disciplined to discipline, and we fail to do this and we get passive with our parenting, we're actually robbing our kids of a blessing.

We're robbing them of a very serious blessing that God promises to all of us.

All right, I'm gonna end on this note here.

I've got I've got four, I'll just kind of breeze through these.

We got limited time here.

I've got four conversations that as parents, I think you're you are gonna want to be invited to.

As your kids get older, these are four conversations you're gonna you're gonna want to be invited to.

Here's what you're gonna notice as we go through these.

It's a conversation you want to be invited to, but it has some implications for all of us as moms and dads.

Here's the first one.

Help me understand my gifts and my purpose.

Help me understand my gifts and my and my purpose.

You want to be a part of that, mom and dad.

You kind of got to know your own though, don't you?

So if you don't even know how to find, hey, you, if you don't, if you haven't, if you haven't had the space to identify your own gifts and purpose, to discover your own gifts and purpose, it's gonna be kind of hard to help your kids figure out theirs.

You want to be a part, by the way, not all kids are the same.

It's like, well, it's either gonna be, it's either gonna be hockey or it's gonna be football.

And it's and if it's not one of those, it's hopeless.

I have no clue what their gift or their purpose could possibly be.

It might not be sports, I don't know.

If you're into it, don't be surprised when your kid's not.

I'm just that's um it's amazing how these things kind of work, you know?

Why isn't my kid into this?

It's like, well, I don't know.

Maybe it's actually God wanting to show you something.

Anyway, here's the second conversation you want to be invited to.

You want this from your kid.

Help me understand how money and life works.

Again, what's the flip side?

But I we're we're leading and guiding our own kids, so we better know how money and life works.

Matthew 25, you've been faithful with a few things.

I put you in charge of many things.

Come and share your master's happiness.

You know what the world says?

And the world is actively telling your kids right now show the world what you got.

That's what it's telling your kids.

I'm just telling you, if you're not messaging your kids, if you're not telling your kids a different narrative, they are getting a narrative.

It's show the world what you got.

In fact, we love the songs.

The songs are compelling.

You underestimated me, you'd overlooked me, you said no to me, you rejected me.

Well, look at me now.

We love those songs.

It's the cultural narrative, it's not the Jesus narrative.

The Jesus narrative says, no, no, no, steward what you've been given.

And that requires some engagement on the behalf of on from us parents in the room.

Engagement.

Let me just say a side note on technology.

If you kids got, if your kid, if you've given your kids excess in their pockets to the literally the entire world and everybody in it, if you've done that, listen, listen to me.

I'm not shaming you for it, but I'm gonna say this.

If you think you're a seven on your engagement level, you need to go to a nine.

I'm I'm you need to go up.

Well, I get it.

Our kids need a space, they need a sense of autonomy.

I understand that, but let's not forget your house, your room that's in my house is still in my house and it's on lease, and you got it for free.

It's free rent.

So guess what?

I still get to go in there.

I know it's your phone, I get it, I know it's your friends, but if you think I'm not gonna know the password of your phone, you got another thing coming.

I'm just I want to give you some permission as moms and dads to go.

Passive parenting isn't going to raise the kind of kids that God is encouraging you and leading you to raise.

Here's the next conversation.

Help me to learn how to find my spouse.

You want to be in on that conversation, mom and dad.

Help me to find my spouse.

What's the implication?

Do I know how to find the right spouse?

Do I actually know how to do that?

Well, here's here's one right here for you.

You're gonna have to teach your kids to invite and value trusted voices in their life.

You're gonna have to do that.

When it comes to like this conversation, finding a spouse, I'm talking about huge life decisions.

You need to teach your kids to invite and value trusted voices in their life.

You know, for us, I think of a couple, they're they're elders in our church or on our board.

Um uh Lee and Lee and Shannon, they're they've been they've been a part of Freedom Church from the from the beginning.

I love them as as a couple.

You know, when they they they visit, they're they don't they're they don't live here, they live somewhere else.

And when they come and they visit and they speak here periodically, you know what I love about them?

One, not only do they speak into my life and Bethany's life, but here's the other thing that they do.

We get around our kids, and and he always has a conversation.

Lee, he always does the same thing.

He always comes to my son, he always just says, Hey, whenever you've got something going on, you know how to get a hold of me.

You call me, you call me this year.

If you struggle with something, you give me a call.

He tells my son this stuff all the time.

I love that.

You know why?

One, I'm not in it by myself, but two, guess what my son knows?

My son knows that's what I do, and now he has an opportunity to do the same thing.

You got to teach your kids.

Well, we can say that, and we and we can be frustrated when our kids get a little older and like they're not listening to us.

That's a bad choice.

Don't go down that road.

And it's like, hold on a second.

But are we modeling that?

Are we modeling a life that invites and values trusted voices into our life?

Is our is our group leaders allowed to speak into our life?

Is our pastors allowed to speak into our life?

Is our boss at work just a just a necessary evil that gets in our way so that we can do what we gotta do?

Like what is how do we view voices in in our life?

We gotta model it.

Here's the last one.

Help me learn to love the God you love.

Help me learn to love the God you love.

Can I just tell you?

Parent now, be friends later.

Parent now, friends later.

You gotta start planting some seeds.

You gotta start planting differently.

Help me love the God that you love.

Do do you actually love the God you say you love?

Do you I know we gather, we're gathering around the God that we all say that we love, but do you?

If you think your kids don't know the gaps in your integrity, they do.

In fact, they they know them better than anybody.

And if you think I'm wrong, you just remember your own childhood.

We remember help me love the God you love.

You gotta start planting differently.

You gotta start building some trust with your kids.

You gotta start, you gotta take up, you gotta commit to integrity and honesty about your life and where you've been and and how you're leading and guiding and coaching and pastoring your own kids.

Because as they get a little bit older, the whole the whole idea of I'm your dad, I'm your mom, do what I say, I'm your dad, I'm your mom, you need to ask us for our input movement for I'm your dad, I'm your mom, it's this way or no way.

That don't work.

You have to transition from positional authority to influence in their life.

And if you want to have that kind of influence as your kids get older and be invited into these kinds of conversations, you got to start planting some different seeds.

Gotta start planting differently.

Let's pray.

Jesus, we need your help.

We need your help.

As we are, as we are thinking through how to navigate this, I could imagine, I would imagine there's two groups of us in the room.

There's there's some of us right now where we're going, we think about that last conversation.

Help me to help me learn to love the God you love.

And I think in this moment, as we think about our own integrity and what it is that God wants us start with, our hearts.

Not just get our kids in order, but start with our hearts.

I think, I think there's a group of us in the room where just going, oh man, God's highlighting.

The Holy Spirit, He's highlighting gaps in your integrity right now.

And he's not doing it to see to try to tell you you're a terrible parent or you're a terrible individual or how are you ever gonna have kids one day?

No, no, no.

He's it that's an invitation to allow him to heal you, to allow him to help you by his Holy Spirit to close the gaps in your integrity.

And if that's you, we'll just, Jesus, would you heal us?

By your spirit, would you empower us to live a life of integrity and honesty?

We choose your way, not our way.

Heal us, make us whole, empower us to be quality parents, people of integrity.

Maybe we don't have biological children, but but but you got some spiritual sons and daughters.

You got some influence spiritually in the lives of other people.

Father God, we thank you for healing us and making us whole.

Some of you in the room, you've never even committed your life to Jesus.

You gather around Jesus, you're around people who know Jesus, you know things about Jesus, you you value maybe even church.

You you you value good, good church values, but you don't actually love the God that people seem to think that you love, and you need to commit your life to Him.

And if that's you, I want to give you an opportunity to make this prayer your own, just in your own way.

I want you to tell him, Jesus, I give you my life.

I trust you.

I believe you died for my sins.

I believe that you rose again on the third day.

And I'm committed to following you for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Jesus, for saving me.

You're my Lord.

I confess that.

I believe that.

And I commit to model my life, my ways, my ideas, even my opinions after your way moving forward.

Jesus, thank you for saving me.

It's in your name we pray.

Everybody said.

Amen.

Amen.

Come on, can we put our hands together?

Tell Jesus, thank you.