Resilient Responses

Hey everyone, this is Josh from Encounter Church

Henley and thanks so much for tuning into our

podcast. Our prayer is that through this podcast,

you can have an encounter with Jesus that will

change your life. And now get ready for an inspiring

message from our preaching team. Amen. Amen.

Thank you very much, Geordie and team. We love

you. Hey Dan, I just suppose you could grab me

the lectern, could you man, and just slide it

over because my hands were full and I'm a little

underprepared. Hey everyone, welcome to Encounter

Henley. Thank you so much for joining us. For

those of you who do not know me, my name is Tex

and I am one of the pastors here and it is an

absolute, thank you Tommy, and I am really looking

forward to bringing this word today because as

per normal, it absolutely messed me up a little

bit while I was writing it, so that's normally

a good sign for you guys. So, okay, and normally

we get a Bible reader up, right, so I've been

telling off Tim, Pastor Tim, he quite often writes

out all the Bible references for what we're going

to preach from, and I kept on saying, like, can

you just stop being like, I don't know, John,

and then walking away while I had to work out

what you wanted me to preach for from that, so

he's given me 14 words today. and said, go write

a sermon. So today's Bible reading is Proverbs

15 .1. Today's Bible reading is, a gentle answer

turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

So we're going to start today with something,

why not? We'll get a little bit of audience participation

going. Don't worry, we do not have to come up

and role play. Quick show of hands, who just

cannot get enough of receiving feedback? Hey,

I know that's genuine and I know that's genuine

from ash, but from the rest of you I appreciate

your honesty somehow even worse than receiving

feedback is the idea or the threat of Receiving

feedback that can come in a few different ways

Sometimes you go out with cough for coffee with

a mate and then the cafe kind of screws up your

order and you kind of don't Reorder it quite

as nicely as you could have done your mate goes

a bit of a jerk to the barista then man And that

kind of hurts a little bit and then there's the

middle level threat of feedback, which is you

are sitting at your work desk innocently working

away and the outlook email invite goes off of

one -on -one and it's from your boss and that's

all the information that you have received. Yeah,

we love that. That's somebody who's received

that one. Love those. There is the high level

threat of feedback incoming, which is the ominous

text from your significant other that just says,

we need to sit down and have a little chat tonight.

Whoa! Groans from the back of the room! Unbelievable!

Could be that they want to go away on a lovely

holiday! I don't even have to write my punchlines

today. Hard to know. Odds are that you've probably

been acting like a bit of a jerk recently and

they want to talk to you about it. So those things,

they make us feel a little bit nervous, they

make us feel anxious, they certainly do me. And

why is that? Why does the idea, even the concept

of feedback, give us this fight or flight response?

Well, I'm not going to go out on a limb. I can

check the stats. A majority of this room, Ash

loves stats, a majority of this room are Gen

Z or millennials. And you guys, me included,

I really sneak in on Millennials, by the way,

like, depending on what you look at. Boo! Geordie's

like, we don't want your time. Right? Gen X!

Anyway, we're not doing this. That was more me

trying to be like, I'm in it with you guys, and

Geordie's tried to make it a line of division.

So let's just ignore that. Right? So a recent

study will show that a majority of Gen Zs and

Millennials actually walk around with the feeling

of negative emotions, either most or all of the

time. I really need you to listen to this one

today, my guy. So if that is our starting point,

right, if our start point is a sense of impending

negativity at all time, it's kind of no idea

that the idea of the unknown is not going to

be received as like, well, this is probably going

to be good. This is probably going to be really

exciting because the way we are actually wired,

the way we're actually walking around the world

is telling us that's probably not the case. The

good news is, ironically, there's a separate

study that shows that 63 % of Gen Z's and Millennials

are actually really good at receiving feedback.

So go team, right? And with a preference to receive

feedback that is direct and efficient. So they

would like our feedback to not be, you know,

to be kind of to the point and not too slow and

certainly not too harsh. and you hear that, you're

like, yeah, that's Gen Z's Millennials, go team.

And then you think about it and you go, actually,

that sounds like a pretty good model for how

most of us would probably like to receive feedback,

I would imagine. Give it to me straight, but

do it maybe with a little dash of kindness sprinkled

in. And maybe if we could do it in an appropriate

time as well, that sounds pretty reasonable.

And I love it because you're doing this and I'm

thinking about it and trust me I was reading

so many different studies and you go years and

years of study and millions of dollars and it's

almost like if only, if only there was like some

model somewhere, anywhere that was available

for thousands of years. Anyway, that would be

impossible. So instead what we're going to do

is we're going to pack some text together. We're

going to keep on doing studies ironically. Today's

teaching text does find us in the Bible, in the

book of Proverbs. Now just a little bit of establishment

here. The book of Proverbs' purpose is really

to bring divine truth into proper focus. It enables

us to look at life through God's eyes from His

eternal all -knowing point of view and then gives

us the opportunity to kind of live accordingly.

In essence, it's an acknowledgement of God's

authority and wisdom. And that's a pretty important

acknowledgement that we need to make as a follower

of Jesus. It's kind of like right at the top

there, right? It kind of creates a really healthy

baseline. So again, Proverbs 15, one tells us,

a gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words

stir up. Anger. Now, Reverend Barry, for those

that were in the room last week or caught on

the podcast, he brought us a pretty epic sermon

last week. And his sermon spoke about the need

to have what he called critical conversations.

Critical doesn't just mean one that in which

you are criticizing someone. So we can ease up

on those woos. Critical means that they are important

conversations that we need to have. The week

before Angus talked about the need to bring a

sense of humility towards those conversations,

towards our interactions with others. And the

combo of those things actually led me to have

to have one of those kind of hard conversations

of my own during the week. And I really pray

that it did for you as well. And if it didn't,

maybe after today we feel a little bit more equipped

and a little bit more prepared and maybe that's

something we want to do. I'll be honest, that

conversation I had was incredibly difficult to

have, but I can tell you that it was entirely

worth it. I can't go into the details of it because

that wouldn't be appropriate. But I can honestly

say that both parties walked away much happier

and in a much, much better place. So this week,

we're going to talk about how we have those conversations.

because having those kinds of conversations well

is really, really hard to do. We're all good

at having the bad version of that conversation.

Well, my history would tell me that I'm really

good at having the bad version of those conversations,

and having good versions is a little more important.

And it's important to remember as we think about

today's passage that the passage isn't a denial

of that truth. It's action actually an acceptance

of the inevitability of that truth that these

hard conversations these critical conversations

are going to need to be had and that the odds

are I'm gonna trip over a rug as Per normal and

on top of that the odds are that they're not

always going to be received super well It's also

there to provide a helpful outlook for not only

those receiving feedback, it's actually a really

good lesson for those who are needing to approach

giving that feedback as well. So I'm really sorry

for some of you, you needed to have that critical

conversation like last week and felt like I've

only had a bit more info. Here we are, you're

ready to go now, right? So you'll be ready all

well as we go to the next line. So there's two

lines, two lines in that thing, that's it. Like

I said, 14 words, somebody's gonna go, it's 15.

14 or 15 words. But the power within those few

words you could write a book about. We're gonna

start at the beginning. We're gonna break it

into two chunks. A gentle answer turns away wrath.

Now the two words that are really clearly to

focus on here are the words gentle and the word

wrath. Now if you were to mark those on some

kind of lineal graph, you would probably find

yourself at, I don't know, the opposite ends,

right? So you just, you find yourself, beginning

at the end of that scale, Because the next words

you've got gentleness all the way, let's go the

way over here. Jordy nervously looks at his guitar.

Gentleness, let's say, is all the way over here.

And wrath is all the way over here. And the next

closest word we really have for wrath, give or

take, a little bit of approximation, is rage.

Now rage does not kind of denote or give us this

idea of like, oh, they cut me off in traffic,

that's annoying. That's not rage, right? That's

annoyance. It gives you a vision of like just

violent anger. Like, have you ever been so mad,

this is obviously not from personal experience,

have you ever been so mad that you almost like,

you just kind of snap, you almost like black

out for a second, you kind of, your mouth definitely

engages before your brain does, maybe your actions

engage before your brain does, and all of a sudden

you kind of go, wow, that was not like me at

all, that was kind of not what I'd normally expect

of myself. Let me introduce you to Rage. And

what are we as Christians to meet that real end

of yourself rage with, that real inexplicable

burst of anger and aggression and gentleness?

Being a Christian is amazing sometimes, isn't

it? We've got something so big on one side over

here and then we've got Jesus over here going,

yeah but maybe try it from this perspective instead.

It's not easy to do but it's important that we

do it. Right and it's really definitely more

difficult When we think potentially that that

rage or that anger or that ire that this person

is feeling all the way over here Also is potentially

going to be directed at us That's pretty scary.

Sometimes it can be really upsetting can cause

a level of anxiousness. It can be absolutely

terrifying Well So why, despite all of our natural

instincts saying the opposite, our natural instincts

would not say rage, sick, here comes the kindness

train, right? That's not where we would normally

think we have to start. It's really important

that we do, and we start with gentleness, and

why? I'll be honest, as you start to think about

it, you go, well, the best starting point is

that gentleness is also one of the fruits of

the Spirit. Galatians 5, 22 to 23 tells us, but

the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,

long -suffering gentleness. goodness, faith,

meekness, temperance. Against such there is no

law. These fruits of the Spirit are reflections

of God's character, unless they are foundational

in our own spiritual growth. And they're also

foundational in what is the desired mindset that

we want to be pushing into. Each of them valuable

character traits for kind of every human interaction.

I mean, none more apparent than when you are

putting yourself in a situation where you're

looking to give or receive kind of some hard

words. Because if you read that list again, it's

basically the model for a hard conversation.

Which brings us back to the second half of today's

teaching text, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

It does not say not. to have hard words with

people it does not say this is going to kill

me it does not say maybe i should stand still

not going to happen it does not say do not have

hard conversations with people it does not say

avoid hard conversations with people it says

to avoid harshness in these conversations that

we have with people now if we take this in conjunction

with the first line we can see that we've started

with gentleness because if we start with harsh

words or we start with biting critique we're

attempting to put out fire with gasoline at this

point I'm just gonna have a sip of water. Now,

if you don't believe me, I'd like you to think

of this scenario with me for a second. Have you,

again, we're gonna keep on bringing significant

others into this. For those without parents,

kids, coworker, nah, probably works better with

parents or your partner, I'll be honest. You

ever been in an argument with someone, and it's

getting a little bit heated, and people are getting

a bit fiery, and you think, you know what, man?

I have got just the solution for this scenario.

And you look at the other person and you go,

calm down, would you? That is a man who has definitely

said that. That laugh tells me. Success. Crisis

averted. No. Oh, wait, your sarcasm and your

disregard for the other person's emotional state.

just didn't ease the situation entirely straight

away. I'm shocked. They got angrier. Shocking

again. As Reverend Barry told us last week, these

critical conversations, these hard conversations

we have, they are not a matter of if, they are

an acceptance of when. And often they're likely

to be met with anger not excitement remember

75 % of us are walking around just carrying negative

emotions as our starting state We're in that

fog of negativity almost all of the time Objectivity

becomes pretty tough to use as a starting point

So often because we start with the feeling not

with the intent Now I don't often do this, but

like Reverend Barry last week talked, we spent

a little bit of time in John 21 when we hear

the story of Jesus sitting on the beach eating

breakfast with Peter after the miraculous catch

just for a bit of context. Peter also named Simon

as well for context. We'll come back to that

another time, I'm sure. A third time he asked

him, Simon, son of John, do you love me? So we're

now sitting on the beach, we're having a conversation

and Jesus has stopped to ask Simon three times,

three separate times, Simon son of John, do you

love me? And John 21, 18 tells us Peter was hurt

because Jesus asked him the third time, do you

love me? He said, Lord, you know all things,

you know that I love you. Peter was hurt. This

is his teacher. He loves him. This is the Messiah.

And he's probably thinking, why is he making

me feel so bad by asking me three separate times

the same question? And I'll be honest, I was

talking with Kara during the week and we were

like, it does feel a little bit cruel. But Jesus

isn't being cruel. He's actually being gentle

in this moment. Again, a little bit more context.

This conversation is happening after Jesus' resurrection.

He knows that Peter has already denied him three

times after his arrest. This mirroring of that

is giving Peter three separate opportunities

to not only affirm his love for Jesus, but also

to redeem himself. Peter responds to all three,

yes Lord, you know that I love you. Now objectively,

Peter can acknowledge that Jesus knows all things

and must have him asking in this way for a reason.

Subjectively, in the immediacy, Peter's feelings

are hurt. Jesus wasn't being cruel, he's being

gentle and loving. Peter can't see it at the

time. But Jesus had to acknowledge For want of

a better word, this betrayal, this weakness of

Peter's, because it was only through this conversation

that Peter's acknowledgement and redemption and

reconciliation and a new path could be offered.

If Peter couldn't handle truthful, gentle, loving

correction and direction from Jesus, how could

he in turn ever offer gentle and loving correction

and direction to others with the same sense of

truth and love and gentleness? If we don't see

it modeled, we can't in turn do it. Peter responds

to this conversation. He recommits to that love

of Jesus he assures him of and he becomes a pivotal

leader in Christ's church and the message of

redemptive love that that brings with it. Despite

all of our best efforts, despite all the gentleness

in the world, there is still a chance, almost

an inevitability, that we will cause hurt and

offense when we have conversations like this.

That our gentleness will be met with anger or

hurt or frustration and that does not mean that

we shy away from these conversations, but it

does make it vitally important that we have these

conversations well. And that starts on the opposite

side of what I'm... I promise you I'm going to

be getting to, which is that if we want to learn

to be people who know how to receive feedback

well, we actually need to start by being people

that know how to give feedback well. So we're

going to start there. What comes to follow is

based on models that the brilliant and incredibly

yoked Craig Rochelle has given us. So if you've

never seen Craig Rochelle, give him a Google.

My goodness. It's disgusting. The guy's like

10, 15 years older than me. Anyway. So I just

didn't want to hide that fact. If you go Googling

any of this stuff, the guy's a master of kind

of leadership and discipleship and stuff like

that. So I've started with something he has put

together, if I'm being honest. And the first

step of giving good feedback is choosing when

you give good feedback. Because if you get this

step wrong, you are likely to be sunk before

you even start. Matthew 18 15 tells us, if your

brother has sinned against you, go and confront

him privately. If someone's hurt or offended

you, and I think this is really important clarification

by the way, and there's no immediate damage or

danger or risk to others or anything like that,

then that needs to be a one -to -one conversation

in private. Here's a bit of a kicker, it may

not need to happen immediately. Taking a night

to sleep on you've heard that expression. We've

all said it to people take a night sleep on it

That's not always the worst advice if you're

kind of a little annoyed little frustrated. See

how you feel in the morning Still bothered still

fuzzle the conversation is important good, then

we move to step two how you give the feedback

How do we give the feedback? What do we start

with? gentleness always Now it's kind of important

despite the fact we're talking about receiving

feedback I'm gonna assume that most of us went

straight away to receiving kind of negative feedback

or critical feedback when we discuss that Feedback

comes in two kinds. There's the kind we all really

like which is encouragement Amen, there is the

kind I've worded a little bit more gently that

we don't love as much which is coaching or correction

We would get Peter loves both kinds of feedback.

Have a check with P. If you haven't met pastor

peace is the best Now, if you're only ever willing

to have the correctional coaching type of conversation

with someone and are never offering encouragement

or praise, how do you think your inevitable conversation

or feedback is going to be received? If every

time I call my dog to me, I whack him on the

nose with a rolled up newspaper, how long do

you think it's going to take before he stops

coming? So create a foundation of encouragement,

of gentleness, of love. Gangro Shell has this

one liner that he uses all the time and I can

never shake it which is that people don't care

what you know until they know that you care.

Now maybe that inverse dynamic is already actually

in effect that you have offered a lot more coaching

than you have encouragement in the past and you've

waved that rolled up newspaper one too many times

then I'd suggest thinking about number three

which is actually who gives the feedback. Because

if you're only ever interested in providing the

correction style of feedback, not the encouragement

type of feedback, you may not actually be the

right person to have this conversation at all.

Because if this person doesn't respect you or

feel loved by you, you're at a massive disadvantage.

And the easiest summer I can actually offer you

is to ask yourself, do I love this person more

than I dislike their behaviour? Because if the

answer is yes to that, You're in a good place.

If the answer to that is no, you may want to

reevaluate the steps ahead and the steps above.

Because it's worth remembering that Jesus himself

very rarely spoke harshly to those around him.

He favored gentle and loving correction in favor

of harshness. With Peter on the beach, he didn't

say, you don't really love me, Peter. Do you?

Look at how you treated me, how you denied me

in my greatest time of need. No. He sought confirmation.

He gave Peter the dignity and the respect to

form a response himself by asking, Peter, do

you love me? It's a beautiful example to follow.

Now one of our underspoken encounterisms, and

I think plays into that, is this expression,

which is, we assume the best in people. If someone

has taken the time to respectfully approach you

and they're someone you know loves and cares

about you and has shown time and time again who

they are and what you mean to them, how would

your response to that feedback change if you

assumed the best in what they were saying and

who they are in that moment? So how do we receive

feedback? I'd say this is a good one. First step,

don't dread feedback. Crave it. Feedback and

correction are expected, remember, when not if.

So get on the front foot. Seek feedback as much

as you can. Proverbs 27, 17 tells us, as iron

sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another, we

can and we'll improve each other through collaboration,

encouragement, and yes, constructive criticism.

This mutual iron sharpening iron is something

we're expected to do, so I reckon it's pretty

important we do it and do it well. This might

be this next step to might be the most important

thing that I say today because I think it's where

most of us get hung up when we're looking to

receive feedback Separate do from who a Criticism

of something that you have done is not a critique

of who you are And say that again a criticism

of something you've done is not a critique of

who you are Listen to the difference between,

when you did blank, it really hurt my feelings.

Seems pretty reasonable. That is different to

you always. You are. Those are very different

things. They're incredibly subtle. And the difference,

again, takes us from gentleness to wrath. One

is about something you've done. The other becomes

about who you are. Now, if you want to meet gentleness

with gentleness and not wrath, even if someone

goes down the hurtful you always, the you are

approach, ask clarifying questions. I would suggest

if somebody brings you feedback, you start from

a position of it's really hard and I'm really

bad at it and I'm getting better. Start from

a position of just being willing to sit and listen.

And then ask clarifying questions. Hey, what

I'm hearing you say is... Is that what you meant?

No, you're not assuming their intent. You're

clarifying. You're asking for confirmation of

the intent. There's a chance the hurt or desire

to be offended is rising at this point. Do not

jump to conclusions. Don't jump into defense

mode. Ask more questions. Every single time,

every single time I've ended up in a defensive

argument, it's because I've made assumptions

about what the person is trying to say about

their intent and about what I perceive their

desired outcome is, rather than simply asking

a couple of more questions. Imagine if with the

first Peter, do you love me? Peter responded

with, you're being stupid Jesus, this is a stupid

question. I'd actually love to read what happens

after that. But we didn't get there, arms folded

across his chest, this is stupid. I'm gonna go

over here and eat fish, I don't even want fish

anymore. Right? He doesn't. Jesus starts with

firm gentleness. Now let's be clear, Peter eventually

responds in kind. His immediate response is not

that it's heard. Sometimes you're going to find

yourself in a convo as well where you are thinking,

man, I have heard this so many times. We get

frustrated and we think then I'm being nagged.

Have you ever stopped to think that this repeated

question is that there's a chance there's actually

an unmet need or expectation that you've simply

failed to address or implement from the last

time? Ask more questions. Hey, we've discussed

this before. I thought I was doing better. I

thought I'd implemented some changes. Have I

not? What do you need to see from me? What do

we need to do together to move on from this conversation?

Responding well to feedback often means that

at the end of one of these conversations, you're

going to find yourself either needing to offer

an apology, seek an agreed upon action, or both.

We'll start coming to a close. Ben, you can come

up. Tim Keller offers us this quote which I have

used before and I promise you I will use again.

Truth without love is harshness. It gives us

information but in such a way that we cannot

really hear it. Love without truth is sentimentality.

It supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial

about our flaws. And as I was preparing for today,

I couldn't help but think to myself who, when

listening to this today, is most likely to shake

their head a little bit knowing I struggle to

practice what I preach on this topic at the best

of times and more than I care to admit. I'm ashamed

to say there's actually three that came to mind.

The first is Cara, my lovely wife. Why? Because

we've had more of these hard conversations with

each other than I'll probably ever have with

anybody else in my life. I've gotten it right

sometimes. I've definitely gotten it wrong sometimes.

And we keep on having them. We've gotten better

at them. Better at them how? Through repetition,

if I'm being honest. We've sought feedback from

each other. We're learning to hold our tongues.

We're learning to listen better. And through

history, almost 20 years together, we've actually

learned to see the best and expect the best in

and of each other. As a result, our love is able

to withstand the storm. The next group of people

I thought about is not one, it's actually a group,

and the next was my children. Now, a few weeks

ago, I approached Cadence, who's my eldest, and

knowing I was preparing for this sermon, I thought

I better get ahead of myself here. I just went

and sat down at the end of her bed and I was

like, hey, can I ask you a question? And she

said, yeah. And I said, how do you think I'm

going as a dad right now? And then I listened.

She was gentle, which is despite the fact she's

a teenager at the heart, that's who she is. And

she was kind and she was loving. And she was

incredibly truthful. And I'll be honest, in that

truth, some of it really hurt. Not because she

was wrong, but because she was right. So I listened.

And when she was done, I apologized. And I asked

if I could respond, and we came up with a plan.

And I gotta tell you, from that plan, my actions

from here are better speak a hell of a lot louder

than my words. Bless you. And the final person

that came to mind was God. Because God created

me, created me, He can count every hair on my

head, He knows my surface level thoughts, He

knows my deepest desires, and He knows the areas

of my life that I've simply failed to hear and

see His truth. Because through my own periods

of prayer and a sermon, He knows the times He

has presented it to me directly and it has been

met with my wrath, my anger, my disappointment,

when His truth and words at best have been ignored

and at worst have been deliberately violated.

He knows the times that His words have challenged

me. The times I've responded well and the times

that I haven't. And then I realized why those

three are the three that came to mind. It's because

those are the three parts of me that form the

kind of core of my identity. And as a result

should definitely be the areas I do feel most

challenged. I am a husband. I am a father. And

I'm a child of God. And anything that challenges

those core parts of my identity will always hurt

and challenge me the most because those three

things are entirely worth pursuing. Because those

three things are worthy of putting aside my pride

and my ego and my wants and my desires for a

greater good. Now, the first two, here's where

the big difference are. The first two are my

chosen identities. OK, they are things I have

made a commitment to living out and getting better

at every single day. But the third. is my identity

as a child of God, is where I am continually

renewed, where I'm continually restored, where

I'm continually renewed and redeemed, where the

miraculous life -changing nature of that identity

is through which each and every other relationship

and conversation and objective and subjecting

feeling is born out of, and where those things

will be continually restored and redeemed. Through

Jesus, every behaviour, Every weakness, every

sin is redeemable. None of these from Jesus ever

identify me as you are. The only you are that

matters is that I am a child of God. When you're

reading scripture and it challenges you, do you

move on or do you try and hear what's being said?

When you're praying and you hear Jesus' voice,

do you listen or do you revert back to where

you think you need to be? And are you responding

with Jesus' sacrifice with the gentleness, correction,

acknowledgement, and gratitude it deserves? Are

you allowing His continual feedback and challenging

to change you time and time again? Because church,

let me tell you, if you've chosen to follow Jesus,

if you've chosen to pursue a discipleship under

Jesus, what you have chosen is a life filled

with breaking and rebuilding yourself. over and

over and over again. And you have committed to

that cause for the betterment of yourself and

everyone around you. Because that's exactly what

Jesus did. Our Saviour was put to death, hung

on a cross, and asked to suffer in the worst

ways imaginable. All so that He could face the

wrath that we were meant to face with eternal

gentleness. That's what he did. He met our wrath

with gentleness, with truth and with love. Thanks

so much for tuning into this week's message.

If you felt challenged or need prayer, we'd love

to hear from you on Instagram at encounterhenley.

Or if you're interested in how you can support

this ministry, please go to our website encounteradelaide

.com .au. Thanks again for listening. God bless

you.