Jess's Story.

Well, G'day everyone.

It's a great privilege to join you on the podcast.

I literally started this podcast like I do at our church at Canopy Gardens.

If you're joining us, welcome.

My name is Shabu.

I have the joy of serving at Canopy Gardens Community Church, a church in the outer east of Melbourne.

Our desire and our prayer is to be a church that grows to love Jesus and his gospel and to live for him in this world and to continue to preach the gospel, not just to others who don't know Jesus, but to each other, and particularly in the seasons of joy and trial and everything in between.

Now, without podcast today, a bit of a background for you and, and, uh, for those.

Listening in.

Anyway, keep going.

So the background is this.

So a few weeks ago, maybe a couple of weeks ago, we have a once a month night service called Word and Worship.

And I asked a dear friend by the name of Jess to share a bit of her testimony and her journey.

And as I listened to, to her story, I thought we can't just leave it to that night service.

It'd be good for particularly our church community here and anyone else who's listening in.

So I met Jess for the very first time when actually through her stud of a very good looking husband.

He's going to love that.

Yeah, he's going to love that.

So, uh, and, and, um, you know, I met Jess cause they were dating.

And then in their very season of getting engaged and to, I had the privilege and joy to see them get married as well.

And so welcome Jess.

Thank you Shabu.

I'm very excited to be here and also very nervous.

Yeah, no, you'll do great.

Now tell me something I've asked this before.

Do you prefer Jess or Jessica?

Uh, Jess.

Jessica is, you're getting in trouble.

You're in trouble.

Um, no, so Bermie, tell us a little bit about who you are.

So before meeting Tim, who was Jess?

Uh, I was the.

I'm the most social sibling out of my three siblings.

I'm the second oldest.

So I've got an older brother, younger brother, and a younger sister.

And my two parents, I went to school.

I had lots of.

Friends, I did every single afterschool activity, uh, just anything I could get my hands on was something I would do.

Yep.

And then kind of after school, as much as I did not want to, I actually went to uni.

Yep.

I, ideally, I didn't even want to finish school.

What did you want to do?

What?

Uh, I still wanted to do nursing, but I was convinced like nursing is so practical.

Who needs to go to uni and write essays?

Like that doesn't make sense.

I'd rather finish in year 10 and then there was more of a TAFE style, more hands on thing, but it turns out that it takes longer if you do it that way.

So I was like, right, uni it is, I'm going to uni.

Um, and so that's what I did.

Bye.

It was originally just going to be a three year course, but I did fail a subject at one point, so it ended up being four years for me.

Did you do any activities at I'm not sure if it was at uni or at school, the sport or, cause I know the story behind that.

That's why I'm asking.

Like I said, anything and every activity that was available to me, I would do.

But yes, me and Beck, I will out her on here.

Beck goes to our church.

For those of you who don't know, married also to a really good looking guy by the name of Sam.

Georgie Tunny we joined the Deakin cheerleading team and honestly.

Um, I would still do it now if I had the fitness and the finances, it's an expensive sport, very expensive sport.

Um, yeah, it was great.

We did it for like a semester or two and that was, it stayed there.

Okay.

Um, and so fast forward, how did you meet your now husband, Timothy?

Yeah, we, I feel like we've got one of those typical stories of, it was on a CYC camp.

Yeah.

Shout out to CYC, who's not our sponsor, but shout out to CYC Christian youth camps.

Yeah.

They're amazing.

And I'd never really heard of them, um, didn't know what they were.

And so it was on my first camp that I'd ever done.

And he, I think we were like, he was the green guy leader and I was the green girl leader.

Oh, how cute is that?

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah.

And.

Um, we didn't speak at all, um, which is frustrating for me as someone who likes to plan and make sure I'm doing a good job and we have to work together and my partner wasn't talking to me for some weird reason.

And now he said, you know, he had a bit of a crush.

Did he?

Okay.

There you go.

There you go.

So he was nervous.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you met him there and did he ask you out or did you ask him out?

Um, no, he, he definitely asked me out.

Okay.

Okay.

He sent a text message after camp after camp.

That's how the young'uns do it these days.

No, but then he did the good thing.

Like he asked me out, he came to my house, he met, you know, met my parents and we went on a date.

Wow.

Cool.

And as I say, the rest is history.

How long are you guys dating for?

The ups and downs as much as you want to say?

Yeah, no, we will say on a whole with some time apart in between.

We dated for just over four years, I think.

Okay.

So it was quite a while.

Okay.

Uh, how did you, how did he ask you to marry him?

Um, he picked me up in some fancy car and sorry, I don't know what it is.

It was a Mustang, but yep.

Yep.

I remember.

Um.

Um, and drove me down to the beach, which is one of my favorite places.

And he'd, um, recruited some friends who came in and had set up a nice little picnic area and fairy lights and a little book of memories.

And it was all very, very nice.

That's beautiful.

Yes.

So by the ocean side.

Nice.

Um, you guys got engaged, um, and then that journey began before we jump into, before you got married.

Regarding health and your health journey, were there things going on, as long as you can remember, with your health that wasn't, didn't seem right?

Yes.

That's an easy question.

Yeah.

I actually, in preparation for this, I was kind of reminiscing, or not reminiscing, but thinking back to me and specifically my health journey.

And the one that we'll focus on today is more.

Um, in recent times, but just for a little bit of perspective, my first biggish illness started when I was nine years old.

Oh, wow.

Yep.

So I spent two years, so up until I was about 11, where I had this weird illness that no one could work out and I was missing school and I was underweight and I wasn't growing the way I was meant to be growing and, um, yeah, missing school camps.

That was a big deal for me.

Um, and I mean, it turned out to be celiac disease, which no one.

Back then, knew what it was.

And when my GP told me that I thought, Oh my gosh, disease.

I'm nine, like nine or 10 or 11.

One of those, you know, I've just been told I've got a disease.

I'm going to have to wear a hazmat suit and no one's going to be allowed to touch me.

And I shouldn't laugh, but I can imagine as a nine year old, that's pretty extreme.

Yeah.

Like I was sitting next to my mom and I kind of moved away cause I didn't want to give her this disease.

Like I, you know, I didn't understand.

What it was, but so for many, many years, I did struggle because then since then I got more food allergies and like food allergies compared to what we're going to talk about, they're not that bad, but when that's the first thing and you're young and you can't eat anything and you get parties, you're scared to touch the food and you know, there's so many things and so much illness that comes with trial and error.

Um, and the months that it took to work out what it actually was until that happened, I was very, very unwell.

And then I kind of had this like nice little couple of years, uh, before I got into some of the more serious, uh, or I would call more serious, uh, health issues.

And so to answer your question around about the time when Tim and I were dating, I was definitely struggling with what we now know.

As endometriosis, but back then I just thought, Oh, I've got either I've got terribly bad periods or I'm a big baby because every, you know, I'm at the age, all your school friends have them, they're able to do all these things I can't, so it's one of the, something's either wrong.

Or I'm just not good with pain.

So for those, uh, so if I was going to talk to my 13 year old son and, uh, he, you know, in class or something here, he sees the words in ND, I can't even say it properly.

So I'll say the, the word that I've learned, which is endo, everyone says, what, what, what would you describe it as?

What is it?

Um, I think the, in the most basic terms, people describe it as.

You know, the way women will shed this lining, that's what you would call the bleed or your period.

Um, there's cells similar to that, that start to grow outside of the uterus.

So they can kind of, it can kind of grow anywhere.

I mean, I've read about people who've done studies and they've found it like in the brain or in the lungs or on your diaphragm.

So it's not just specific to your reproductive organs.

Yeah.

But.

Um, if you think about how the non gory version of periods work each month, that has to shed.

And so if it's not in the right spot, it's doing the same process.

It's shedding around in your abdo area or around your ovaries and it's, it's got nowhere to go.

So it builds up over time and it, uh, can stick to your organs.

Stick things together that shouldn't be stuck together.

Wow.

Um, friends, if you have time, do look it up.

It is pretty, uh, yeah, it's just pretty full on in that when I was trying to understand it, when Jess started sharing her journey.

Um, yeah.

So with that, so you started dating, is that right?

Did I, or just after you got engaged, you found out?

Um, no, this all, I only found out after we were married.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I think I spoke about it on Sunday and made a bit of a joke that we, you know, we'd been married for a whole three months before getting hit with some really big news for us.

And um, there's other things that endo effects that is not really appropriate for a podcast, but being married made a difference to that.

Of course, that kind of pushed the diagnosis a cause the symptoms and the pain.

Was becoming daily.

I looked like I had a basketball for a stomach and, you know, it was very obvious and it was very painful just every day, not just in my monthly cycle.

And so I think, uh, part of it, I'd have to credit to Tim for being so like, no, I know you, I know that you don't complain about nothing.

Go get this checked out again.

Cause, you know, I had seen a few doctors before then that have just said, no, it's fine.

That's right.

And like, because obviously this whole area affects mentally, physically, intimacy, all those things that have impacted your marriage.

Um, so what was going on as you start hearing and researching and, and that moment, if you can take us back into that moment where they tell you exactly what's going on.

What was going on in your mind and heart?

I'm pretty sure I was by myself.

Okay.

Um, I'd never had an ultrasound before, which is what they use to try and see if there's endo, but they do say that you can still have it and it might not show up on an ultrasound.

So I'd kind of gone in and I was like, well, it's not going to be anything.

It's just the way I am or the way it is.

And so, yeah, I think to That was the first time I'd sat with a specialist who'd gone, Oh, yep, there's definitely endometriosis, which again, don't feel bad.

I could not say, I still can't say it's such a tongue twister.

Um, and I just thought like, Oh, I'm so glad they found something because we've kind of skimmed over it, but it was.

It's like 10 years that I'd really suffered every month, miss school.

When I started to try and work, I would not have any sick leave after the first few months.

And being the studious or reliable people pleaser that I'm still working on, but back then was a lot more full on.

It was so difficult to be taking so many just regular.

Sick days.

And so again, so I'm sitting there and I'm like, I finally have something to show.

Like there's actually, you know, I was almost excited.

There's something wrong.

Read it, like learn about it because like I'm not making it up.

It's not all in my head.

And I think a lot of people that do live with, you know, hidden kind of chronic illnesses, that is something that I learned is really difficult because.

You know, we move on a couple of years ahead and you still start to go, Oh, I think maybe it's all in my head, even though you know, but to answer your question, there was so much relief originally.

And then you kind of leave the appointment and this seems to be a trend for me and you're driving home and they're usually far away, so you've got a bit of time.

And I was like, Oh my gosh.

Like I'm, that, that's me we were talking about in there, I have this condition, like what, what does that mean?

Because I did like, even working as a nurse at the time, I'd never heard of this, which is just crazy.

Um, and so again, it was, it was a lot of research and it was partly.

Relief and excitement because you would read all these weird things that it does.

And you're like, yes, it made sense.

Yeah.

Like I know exactly what that is.

I've, I've felt that I've experienced that.

And then there's, yeah, probably more the, Oh, this is something that they currently don't have a cure for the best treatment they've got at the moment is surgery or, um, like.

A specific type of birth control, cause it just lessens the buildup of disease each month.

Um, so what is that going to look like in a new marriage, in my busy shift work as a nurse?

And, you know, just knowing you have it doesn't get rid of the symptoms and the pain straight away.

So that's kind of how I was originally feeling, I guess.

Yeah.

And when you.

Um, share that with Tim and your family and others, you know, what, what, what were some helpful reactions?

Maybe not from your family, cause if they're listening, uh, which I'm sure they helped you and supported you.

Sorry if that makes it sound negative.

Um, yeah, we've had this conversation before when you're going through these sort of hidden, um, medical and health issues, what, what, what have you experienced has been helpful and what hasn't been helpful?

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Um, let's start with helpful.

I think it's, it is tricky because every person will probably find something different.

Like what I find helpful.

Someone might be like, Oh no, don't, don't do that for me.

Case by case.

Yep.

Yep.

But I think generally on a whole, it's trying to have people around you that they don't have to understand, but they're just, they're willing.

To either learn or listen or believe you or get, at least give off the vibe that they believe you, there's nothing worse than struggling with something and talking to someone that's kind of like, you're going, Oh, they don't, they don't understand, or they don't believe me.

They think I'm, you know, just making it up.

So I think that's what I really appreciated.

Cause you'll hear later that, you know, I'd had to take time off work and.

That's a lot of downtime and free time.

So having people that are like, no, you're doing the right thing.

I can't imagine, you know, what it must be like or what it feels like.

So I'm glad you're taking the time, make sure you use it to rest.

Don't be worrying about all the things you should feel like you should be doing.

I think that is probably the most helpful thing.

And I, yeah, I really want to emphasize that you don't have to know or understand.

A lot of people, I think.

I don't know how to even pronounce it.

Like, how am I going to provide any support or help, um, but a listening ear and yeah, just checking up, I guess, on, on how they're going, but that kind of leads into the, the not so helpful thing can also be when people are checking in nonstop and you, you know, You're feeling really crap, or you're in a lot of pain, or you're really tired and you haven't got to see your friends in a while or your family, and all you do is feel like you're updating these people who genuinely care, and they're trying their best to check in and show that, you know, they're thinking of you, but it can sometimes feel like a burden of there's, I've got 10 messages and I haven't replied, and now I feel bad.

Cause, you know, they've done a nice thing and checked in, but I just, I can't get around to it.

And I think that's probably what I probably appreciate as much when you guys began this journey of the impact it has physically in the exhaustion.

Like it's not just, I'm a bit tired today.

It's like, I'm out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It, yeah, it's something that I still really struggle to explain because even on days, Where I'm doing really well, especially post surgery, I instantly kind of forget, you go like, Oh, maybe it wasn't that bad.

And then, you know, a bad day comes and you go, Oh my gosh, like, how did I forget what this was like?

Like, it's, it's very, very hard to explain that to people and how it can come again.

We're still kind of just talking about Endo at the moment, but it can.

Um, it can, they call like flare ups, so maybe you're out and about and you're having a really good time and then all of a sudden you have this like flare up of your symptoms and then you have to leave or you have to go home or sit on a couch or, you know, do something even though you looked so fine half an hour ago.

Um, we can keep moving.

So like I said to you earlier, you tell me where you want me to go with the questions, but one of the things that came to mind was probably as you're talking as a follower of Jesus.

In this sort of season with Endo, was he, was it challenging to talk to him?

Was he far away?

Why Lord?

Or you're fine.

And then moving to, I guess at some point talk about where things are at now.

Yeah.

I think, I think let's move forward, explain the whole story and then all the ways that Jesus was there in those moments will make a bit more sense.

Good.

So if we go back to Yes, I've suffered with the endo pain and things, you know, that I can now label as endo pain before I just thought was really severe cramps, fatigue, you know, feeling like I'm going to pass out, things like that, and then getting that diagnosis three months into marriage.

So Tim and I are like.

Um, you know, we're both doers, I think, you've said before, so it's a good thing.

You know, one of my significant memories of your wedding day, besides the beautiful service, it was a privilege to serve.

Was that moment at your reception when most, you know, bride and groom are sitting up there and eating their food.

You guys got up and actually served everyone else.

I, to this day, I distinctively remember that going.

Yeah, that pretty much sums who you are, actually.

Well, I would love to claim it, but the first wedding we ever went to as a couple, we saw that and we both looked at each other and we're not even engaged at this point, but we're like, when we get married.

Oh, you're planning ahead.

That's good.

We're doing this because it, it is, it's really, you get to meet all your guests and, and we like to do things.

Yeah.

Sorry, I interrupted.

No, that's okay.

So we, you know, we, we got this news and it did.

It was a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of you think, Oh, cool, amazing.

We know what it is.

And then we tried to just continue, you know, but now we know I've got this thing.

And then that didn't last very long because it was, no, I've actually got this thing.

We need to make some adjustments, like things aren't working.

Work was so difficult.

I again, had the mindset of, I just finished, I was either just finishing my grad year or I was in the middle of my grad year and going.

I've picked the wrong career.

I cannot foresee myself doing this for the rest of the year, let alone for my lifelong career.

Like I love it, but internally to myself, I'm like, I can't do this.

I was, I was running myself into the ground and looking around going, but everyone else is, all the other grads are okay.

They're like tired, but not like.

Um, and so we made some changes and we started listening to podcasts and, you know, we had to, you know, we were seeing Shabu, uh, a fair bit and just talking through, cause it was tricky.

We would, we thought we were trying to adjust to just being married, but now we're trying to adjust to being married and having this news and the difference in, okay, realistically, what are our expectations then?

Because the normal expectation of.

Being married to income household healthy, you know, maybe saving for this and saving for that was not going to be for us because I couldn't work the amount that I needed to.

And so I dropped back a few of my shifts and it stayed like that for a bit, but on the inside, I'm going, I'm still feeling terrible.

Wow.

Yep.

I said, uh, one of the things I'd learned early on is the fatigue, which we.

Touched on but I just thought this just feels yes I'm learning that it's terrible and it's a lot but this feels like way more I feel like you know at work I used to be like it's okay if I pass out because I work in the emergency department So I'm in the right place if that ever happens, but sure every shift That's what it felt like and I would I even started, I didn't say this to people cause I didn't want to lose my job, but it was like, I would walk on water sometimes, like when I'm walking down the hallways that are quite long and thin, I had to walk on the side and kind of slide my hand across the wall for balance.

And I mean.

Looking back now, I think, how did I think that was normal or just from, you know, just being overly tired, but this was every day to get through and I'd stand in circles and like squat and all the doctors and nurses are standing up having this conversation and I'm there squatting because I just could not stand and, you know, I'd play it off like, Oh, I've just got a bit of a sore back from like moving a patient or whatever, but I was, I really genuinely couldn't function, uh, to the way that I should have been.

And then I had two what they would call big episodes that kind of led me into my next, um, diagnosis where I was working and the whole left side of my upper body across my chest and my arm went numb.

And I didn't realize it at first until I kind of hopped in the shower and I was like, is the water not working?

Cause I can't, like, I can't, it's, you know, I've turned the taps on, turned around and gone, I can't really feel the water.

But then, you know, as I'm doing some tests, I'm like, Oh no, I can feel it on this side.

I can't feel it on that side.

That's kind of weird.

Um.

It amazes me that's how your brain is working in that moment, but yeah, keep going.

And so again, kind of this, uh.

I don't know how to word it, but always thinking things are related to stress.

So I'm like, I'm in my grad year, I'm planning a wedding, just found out I've got endo, it's probably stress.

Yeah.

That's why my arm is numb.

Yeah.

And so I left it and it wasn't until maybe a week later where I was like, this is really weird.

Hmm.

It shouldn't still be.

Um, and I told one of the district nurses that I was working with at the time and she freaked out and Got me to see a GP straight away.

Yeah, because they think it's like a stroke or something Not a stroke because I'd said like I've had it for a week.

Don't freak out I said it's probably a pinched nerve or stress or I've sat in the car doing district nursing too long or something And she was like no, that's that's really weird.

I've booked you in And that was the first time that someone had ever mentioned the word MS or multiple sclerosis.

And it, it was very, very, very unlikely, but she did, she was explaining what tests we could do.

You know, she checked everything from shingles to yeah, my nerves and how long I'd sat and all that kind of thing.

But she said, I'd probably like to get an MRI done.

Which is a type of scan, just, you know, she goes, then we can rule out worst case scenario and go from there kind of like, we're doing this just to, just to check, just to check, but it's, you know, it's so unlikely.

And I was like, yeah, okay, well, if that's what you recommend, then we'll just do it because then at least we know, and we can move forward and, you know, find out what it really is.

And it's a, uh, got a little bit messy in between there and mix up with delays and.

The wrong scan and whatever.

So they scanned the wrong part of my body and it came back clear.

So I was like, great.

What a win.

It was just a random thing that they can't explain, but if it doesn't come back again, she said, don't worry about it.

And then, yeah, maybe a month later I had woke up and it felt like my foot was on fire.

This one was way more.

Uh, not traumatic, but way more painful and a bit more disturbing for me because it was really uncomfortable.

I couldn't have friction on my foot or my leg and it was slowly growing.

So it made it all the way up to kind of my hip area and it just felt like it was on fire.

So again, I kind of go back to the doctor and say, I've had an MRI, they cleared it.

So again, they're thinking stressed, pinched nerve, blah, blah, blah.

Not really thinking anything of it somehow we got in to see a neurologist Just to make sure and again, he's going really highly unlikely But we'll do the right MRI this time just to make sure and then there was again a delay And then this all right, and then I'd I hate thinking of this moment, but I had got home from work I was Exhausted.

And I was just sitting in my car and it must've been one of those moments that God put something in your brain.

And cause I, there was at least a month between getting the scan and not hearing back.

So I'm going, no news is good news.

You know, no news is good news.

And I got home, I sat in the car and I was like, Oh my gosh, I need to call this place and get my results.

And I was having this battle of like, but if anything was wrong, They would call you, they would tell you, yeah, you are, you know, you're overthinking, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

And so I thought, no, I couldn't shake.

I was sitting in my car for almost 15 minutes.

I was, couldn't shake the feeling that I had to call.

And I, I did.

And I got, oh, I got like, not the kind of response that you wanted was, oh, no one's spoken to you about your results.

Oh, wow.

And I'm like, no.

Like, um.

How come like, they're never going to tell you, I know from a nurse, they're not allowed to tell you, but I was like, is, can you just tell me, is there something on there?

They said, no, we have to get the neurologist, but he wants to have a face to face conversation.

And so I'm being in the medical world.

I knew you can give.

Good results over the phone as a neurologist, yep, all good, clear, or you have to come in to discuss your results.

And so again, I was having to be by myself and Tim was at work and so, you know, I called him and I was in tears and I said, they wouldn't give me my results over the phone, but I know it's bad because it was a public holiday or something.

And he wanted us to come in first thing in the morning.

He made an appointment slot for us.

So then I was thinking.

Oh my gosh, please be MS, just be MS and don't be cancer, don't be a tumor, don't be, you know, the scan was of my brain and my spine.

And so I said to Tim, there is something on my brain and I don't know what it is.

Like that feeling is not nice.

No, of course.

You, yeah, you just, even now to think that there are these things on my brain that.

You know, they're kind of there, they do some damage, but then they kind of stagnant.

Scary.

Yes.

Anyway, we got the diagnosis and that's what I kind of spoke about on Sunday.

I was sitting in that room and this time I'd learned my lesson and I brought Tim with me.

Good.

So I didn't have to hear the news alone.

And yeah, it was, the appointment went for over an hour and he just kind of explained what it was, explained what our Options were even went into kind of, this is what it could look like, or it could look like this.

Like it was a very unknown, uh, it still is how someone will progress with MS or multiple sclerosis is very, very different.

And they don't really know how to predict.

Um, whether you're going to get kind of a good road or a really terrible road.

It's for different, each case by case.

Right.

And so just so that people know, cause some of us know you obviously, but, uh, one, how old are you when you're hearing this?

And two, how long have you guys been married for?

Right.

So.

Numbers.

We got married in December, 2021, and I think, I think I was 23.

Okay.

And I'm now 26, so I would've, I think I would still have been 23 mm-Hmm.

And three months into the marriage we got the endo diagnosis, which was around March.

And then it was June when we started leading towards finding out that.

Um, MS was on the table slash got the diagnosis around there.

Okay.

So you hear this news, doctor tells you in detail for an hour, what's the situation, what could happen, couldn't happen, all those things, and then, where do you want to go with this?

Um, I cried after the appointment, after it, it's set in.

I think even Tim, we were, we were in shock and we stayed in shock for at least a year and they said allow one to two years to really accept the diagnosis and like that rolls off the tongue now, like one to two years, but it was a, that's insane, is a really difficult one to two years where we are still very much living.

The journey now, like I don't want, when I do get into all the amazing ways that God has helped us, I don't want it to sound like, Oh, everything, you know, we're just fine now because, you know, my faith has grown and, you know, we're doing a little bit better, um, cause it's still very, like extreme highs and extreme lows and they come and go as they please kind of thing.

Um, but yeah, so we, I.

In short, cause I keep rambling on, I left work for three months of unpaid leave to get my head around things.

And with MS, they suggested I start like a IV treatment.

So intravenous treatment where I sat with all the cancer patients getting, you know, their chemo and things, and the average age was maybe 60.

And then here I was at.

23, getting my infusions.

And again, God's work in where I ended up getting my treatment and how soon, like the next month I was in getting my first, you know, dose of treatment and the nurses were lovely and the whole experience was as lovely as it could have possibly been for something like that.

And just looking back going, how did, you know, there's so many options you're given.

And we ended up there and I said to Tim, like, this has made a world of difference in how I cope, the nurses care, they're asking, you know, questions, they're staying up to date as I was learning to process what, what I'm doing.

Like I have to sit here for like, I think it was three hours originally, and I'm just stuck with my thoughts, stuck with this machine.

And so just any of the little things in between.

That would definitely godsend because I ended up there with those nurses.

Like I still will keep in touch with them, even though I'm not currently receiving treatment at the moment.

Um, when I do go back, it's almost like I'm, I'm excited to update them and tell them how I've been because yeah, that was so, so helpful, but I'm so I left my job for three months and Tim and I still had the expectation, you know, whether it was said or not, Oh, three months is ages.

Like we'll be like, this is how good that they've given us three months.

It's so long.

We probably won't need all of that time.

And yeah, we really just hadn't grasped the full effect of what life was going to look like for a while.

And so the three months passed and I ended up quitting my job.

Which was really, really sad because like I said at the beginning, you loved it.

I loved it.

I didn't want to go to uni.

I did.

I worked for what, almost two years and then it just, it was gone.

And so that was one of the first things where I was like, probably questioning God's plan for me, or, you know, the, the goodness that everyone talks about.

Cause I was like, you know, trying to get my head around everything that's just happened and now, you know, I've just gotten married, you know, you let us get married, you let me go to uni.

Now I'm sick and I can't do the job I went to uni for.

I can't provide any income.

I've just got married.

Like, now the whole one income thing is a lot easier.

It's still difficult, it's still so difficult, um, but it's a lot easier to kind of sit with.

But at the time that felt like, like how, how dare God do this to us with, you know, we thought we were on low income before, um, but then again, even as I talk about that now, I go, God, now on reflection, yeah, yeah, that's okay, yep.

God still provided for us in so many ways, like, yes, financially.

And that felt huge to us at the time.

And to look back and go, we never went without food.

We never missed a, like, we didn't miss a rent payment.

We didn't like, we still have our cars.

We still pay for fuel.

We've got food on the table, but like, there are so many things that.

God was providing for us and we were kind of just focusing on the one thing that, you know, yeah, was taken away and That kind of I think sums up how the next two and a bit years to now goes.

We lose something or something happens and there's a grieving period and it goes up and down and I get frustrated With God, and then we look back and we go, no, we shouldn't have, Oh, it happened again.

We, we didn't trust that God still had a plan, even if it wasn't the cookie cutter style that we were hoping for and, you know.

All the nice kind of idea and particularly in your season of life of young married and starting out.

This is not, you know, there's nothing ideal as such, but as in, this is not what you were hoping for.

Yep.

And I think, especially for Tim, who's very practical, he's very, he's a planner and yes, we both like doing, but we do things differently.

And so for him as, as a new husband and carrying the weight, probably definitely more so of providing financially and.

My wife is sick.

I, in no way, did he ever pressure me to work.

He was so supportive of that.

And he still is, but as I guess the person observing this knowing, yes, I can't go to work, but I can see the pressure this puts on you that like, it still makes me teary now because, you know.

You, I don't want him to experience that he doesn't want me to experience what I'm experiencing, but we can't change it.

This is, that was just what we were given and, you know, God's hand in that has continued even to this day.

And I had this book that I was going to bring and I forgot where I tried to note down originally when people got around us.

Whether it was financially or a conversation or anything, but I actually stopped because I, I, I couldn't keep up.

There was so many, some are massive things.

And then some, uh, like I read through last night when I was kind of looking over it and it was one of the biggest things we had, which is kind of funny to talk about now.

But at the time I really, when I stopped work, I was so alone.

Um, I was with my thoughts every day in like a silent house.

And at this point I was pretty much, I would describe it as bed bound, which is just crazy.

Um, and I feel like I'm not going on a, woe is me.

I'm trying to show how hard it was, where God was in that, because there was even times where I couldn't feed myself.

I couldn't lift a fork and some food to my mouth.

And so again, my lovely husband was doing that for me, you know, and I'm 23, 4, 5, 6, crazy, like, and if you saw me on the days that I do come out, I'd think people just don't see that.

And so I was Begging Tim to let us get a dog.

I so just, I knew for my mental health, I needed something or someone around.

Tim had to go to work, you know, people can pop in, but it's not the same.

And I pushed and pushed and pushed and Tim being the financial head that he has, he was like, this makes no sense.

Why, when we've just.

Yeah.

Really struggling to pay rent.

Are we going to pay like, dogs are expensive.

Uh, yep.

That's what I hear.

Yes.

So like, I'm going to put it out there, the actual price because of how God worked in this.

We ended up paying three grand for our beautiful little teddy bear.

And as much as I felt it was the right thing, Tim will say, he was really concerned that we'd made a really poor financial choice.

And no joke, the next day after we bought him and we just went to look, not to buy him.

And then we came home with him.

That's what they all do.

Yeah, so I've heard.

We got from one of our friends, like in our Christian circles, had on his own decided that he felt the need, God had told him to give us three grand in cash, like to the dollar.

Wow.

Wow.

And so, we have so many things like that, and it doesn't always happen the next day.

That was great, and again, that was for both Tim and I, in our own ways, just a smack in the face into how God, he actually cares.

I just wanted a dog, I wanted a companion while I'm at home.

And God cared about that, and he still does, and he cared that for Tim as her new husband, the pressure that that felt like, and learning, you know, he had to learn that lesson of, I love and care for my wife, but I also have to provide, how do I balance that?

And it wasn't, you know, it wasn't a small cost.

And so that was one of the things in the book and something we, we bring up.

When things are going difficult or we're tight for cash, or it just feels like from our human perspective that God's maybe forgotten about us again, which he never does.

Um, we actually remind ourselves of that happening and we go at some point in some way, God will show us that, you know, what he will make his presence known.

And I think, again, that has just continued and continued to happen because the way we now exist in this world and in society is so different.

It's, it's so different to our peers.

It's so different to, again, we've said it, what we kind of expected it would be, and we're still.

Learning so much, and I think that was one of the things that I really wanted people to get from me sharing my story is like, even saying it makes me tear up, but God's grace, because I, I used to hate when people in a similar situation to me that have these diagnoses would say, Oh, you know, what's one thing you're grateful for?

Because if your diagnosis, And I was like, what a terrible question to ask someone.

How could you ask that?

Because it's, there is no good.

And I'm a glass half full usually, but there, you know, I felt there's nothing good about this.

It's putting stress on my marriage.

It's like making me feel like a terrible friend is making me feel like I'm not me anymore.

Um, Oh my gosh, I had a point that I was going on.

I can't remember.

You were talking about how people will say, what's one thing that you're grateful for?

And yep.

And now I'm that person.

I swore I would never see that person.

And I would maybe word it slightly differently because it comes from a Christian perspective of God's plan is always good and it's always better.

Um, and the one that you have for yourself, because I know now if I hadn't have been forced to really be stripped of the things that made life comfortable and made me feel like, which I touched on on Sunday, like there was certain things that made me feel like me and God loves me because I'm social and I, you know, I grow in, I'm reliable person.

People can rely on me.

I You know, I follow through on my word and, you know, I always go out of my way to help other people.

And so yes, God's gracious and yes, I'm saved by grace, but you know, it's because of all those things that I'm doing.

We would never say that out loud, but that's what happens.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I even give the example of like, Oh, you know, I know I'm saved and I know God loves me, but, uh, I wasn't as nice to my sister today.

So I'll just read an extra chapter of my Bible.

Um, just to be safe.

And so it was really hard to have lost my job.

So I wasn't providing in our little family.

It felt like I wasn't providing for our little family and I wasn't contributing to the community.

And I was, I am not the reliable friend anymore, and that's not.

Because it's, you know, my choice and, but, and I can sit better with that now, but I, my ailments are not reliable anymore and I can't always be social sometimes forming So much grace.

That you're fast forwarding in two years, you've, you're experiencing that grace yeah.

So starting from you, two years fast forward.

Um, I'm.

Now in a much better health state, partly due to surgery.

And again, I credit that to also due to God's plan, God's timing.

He knew that I had probably reached my real proper limits, but now I get to look back and go, man, I can see all the ways now where he.

He's supported us, he put people in our lives, we got text messages at the right time.

You, you sent a lot of those, Shaboo, where either together, Tim and I were having a moment of just grief and there'd be haters checking in, or it would come from someone else or just so you know, we've, we've left this at your front door and you think, Oh my goodness, God is with us now in this terrible time.

And he's with us now, today, doing different things.

And there is the, the one thing I will say, there is this song that I'd love if you've listened to this.

There's so many, but I'm picking one and it's The Story I'll Tell by, I think it's Maverick City.

And I feel like that's where I am.

I used to listen to this in bed when I was really, really unwell.

And it talks about being in the, the pit of whatever it is.

And feeling at your lowest low and not really being able to see what God's doing in your life.

But you know, because of his word and what he says that he's still got a plan.

And that's the story I'll tell whenever it fulfills itself, whether it's two years, whether it's a lifetime, whether it's only when we get to heaven and for me to be able to feel what I felt then listening to it.

And now sitting here, sharing my story, our story, the story of God in our lives and go that, again, here's one of those moments of me going, God, I lay there and thought this, and now I'm here and I'm doing it.

Like God brought me through that.

I didn't think at the time this.

This would happen, I honestly didn't think it would in terms of sitting here sharing the story.

Yep.

Yeah.

Feeling like I could even share it and like, it's only been, only been a couple of years.

And I'm like, again, God is so in our lives has shown up so obvious and it.

I don't, I don't know how to describe what you're sharing.

I think throughout your journey with Tim and with you guys has been observation.

I think sometimes when I question walk, we might hear messages of, you know, um, your best life now, everything's going to be fine, perfect and on and so on.

But what we're hearing, I guess, often is this story of you guys lamenting, crying out to God, how long.

Seeing his provision of grace, and then, like you said, completely stripped away of all the things that you think is who you are.

And even the diagnosis is not what defines you.

It is part of your life, but it's not what defines you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What God says in his word, I'm learning and continually reminding myself, that's how I want to view myself.

Even when your feelings and your thoughts.

Don't align.

Yep.

It's what, what I do is go to the Bible, go to a song and go, I don't feel this, but this is what God says about me.

And this is his plan for me.

Yeah.

Very interesting comment at the night where you said, my story is not that I've been healed, but my story is still like, you mentioned a phrase that it's stuck in my head.

I think I said, and I don't sit here today miraculously healed because I do believe that God could, and sometimes I forget to pray that, you know, for actual full healing.

Um, but yeah, I still sit here today with many of the same symptoms and battles going on, but my faith has grown and my relationship with Jesus has grown.

And that, it doesn't shrink those experiences, but you get a better perspective, I think, on them.

Yeah, that's good.

I, um, I even have on, I didn't check if it's still there, but I have had on my Instagram bio all through school.

It was, if Jesus is all you have, you have all you need.

Wow.

And now if it's still on there, it's something I would want to get rid of because I realize the depth of what that means and I kind of feel a little bit like, I just flippantly used to say that, but now I go, man, that's some deep things to be saying on there, you know, because it is, that's really what I think our little story or journey has been realizing that, um, Tim and I coming home after whatever has happened and going, this feels like the world is ending and it sounds dramatic, but it feels like that, or, you know, something has happened and it's really hit a nerve or a sore point, but even if that was to leave or go or be the rest of our story, we still have God and he still loves us.

He's still looking after us.

Was there anything else you wanted to share?

No, I feel like I've spoken so much.

No, well, that was the point.

I mean, that was the point of catching up with you and hearing your story.

And like I said to you earlier, you know, I'm happy to be directed by you.

I think I have two points here and they're very random.

Um, in terms of they're not well thought out, but one thing that was obviously, uh, another one of those verses, I don't even know where it's from.

I think you might, but no pressure.

If you don't.

Look, just because I serve as a pastor doesn't mean it's in my head.

But I really repeated the, um, by prayer and repetition, make your requests known to God.

Because again, from that people pleaser perspective, it was like.

No, I shouldn't have any needs like I've, you know, you've got to always be thinking of someone else.

And that really sat with me of, no, God asks us to bring our prayers.

He doesn't say our good prayers, just bring them.

And so I do pray a lot more now than I used to, and they're not so well thought out and they're not necessarily long and sometimes they go for ages, but.

Um, if something is bothering me or I have a thought or something that's not helpful or a pain, then I am more honest.

I go, God, I'm really feeling this.

Even if it's, I feel like you're giving me more than I can handle.

I know you say you won't, but I'm feeling like you are, you know, please help me with this.

Please either take it away or show me what I'm meant to learn or just give me some support in this.

And I would never have prayed like that, um, before.

And then the other point, which I read more recently, and I'm not going to read it, but I've read 2 Corinthians 5, and I think it was the whole chapter.

And I really appreciated that, or what I grabbed from it was that they kind of, whoever's talking, described earth as a tent.

And whether my perspective on this is the actual real one, I'm, that is so reassuring to me because I grew up camping a lot.

I know what tents are like, they're flimsy and they're definitely not meant for long term that it's a temporary thing.

And to think of this life and this hand that Tim and I are kind of living.

It is temporary, even if I was to suffer the way I was suffering until heaven, it's in, in perspective of eternity.

And now it's still temporary.

And then even when I broke it down, each season is temporary.

And so at one point.

Um, and I think it's really important that someone at church helped me break that down to hour by hour, because even the day, thinking of a day ahead felt too much, but God's word, when you do make the time to read it, it really does speak to you.

You know what I'm sitting here and looking at you and all I can constantly say in my heart is just an overwhelming, um, testimony of God's grace.

in your life.

Um, and it's been a privilege to watch both of you and the journey that you guys are on hard.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, I don't know.

Is there anything else that you want to share?

Like, I feel like we could keep, I could keep chatting to you, but yeah, this is a podcast.

We might have to keep chatting later.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I think the only other thing that I had in my mind was that our You, of all people, and this is why I appreciate what you're saying, get, you were, I'm gonna say by God's grace, put in our lives so early.

Like you mentioned at the beginning, you were, we were catching up.

For your guidance when we were just dating and then that turned into what we called pre pre marriage when we were engaged and I would recommend that for a lot of people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And, and so would we now, even Tim who at first was not keen, but now he said I would recommend it to anyone.

And so I can remember the first, one of the first conversations I had.

With you, and all you said was just really asked how I was and just burst out into tears because I, there was so much going on that I never spoke about and that pressure that I keep talking of the people pleaser style.

And so my point of saying this was that whenever you share feedback to me, it's really meaningful because.

You know, I even said to Mel who was here last podcast, that I appreciate your feedback because Shabu saw me as the people pleasing, you know, ball of mess that I came, you know, that I was dealing with in that season.

And then you and many other people from Canterbury have journeyed with us to the now.

And when you say, man, I can see the difference.

I really believe it because I know that you, you did journey with us through those.

Well, and that's the thing.

I mean, I'm tempted to edit all those bits out, but at the heart, what I'm hearing though, I think friends, if you're listening in, this is what the church bodies are meant to be like, uh, church family and community of coming alongside one another and loving one another as God calls us to.

And, um, I know there are many who have walked along with you guys, not only that part of Canterbury necessarily, others as well, who've reached out.

Jess, we love you heaps, mate.

Uh, thank you for sharing your story.

Uh, before I ask you to pray, uh, I'm going to read something for us, uh, from Hebrews.

It says, since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the son of God.

Um, Um, let us hold fast our confession for we don't have a high priest who's unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who's in every respect has been tempted as we are yet without sin.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

That's good.

Would you like to pray for us and others?

Yes, I would love to.

Thank you.

Lord Jesus, we thank you for the many blessings that you give us in our daily lives.

Lord, we thank you that in your word, you tell us that you care and that you hear every prayer that we bring to you and that you ask us to bring them to you.

And Lord, I just pray that if there's anyone listening who has.

Resonated with any of the things that we've shared today, whether it be people pleasing or physical suffering, mental suffering, Lord, that something in what we've spoken about today would point them towards you and towards how loving you are and how gracious you are and the, the fact that you lived on this earth and experienced this, um, The things that we're experiencing now, Lord, that nothing we're going through is new to you.

It doesn't catch you off guard.

And so Lord, ultimately we just praise you and thank you for who you are, for what you've done.

And we thank you for, um, our little church at Canterbury Gardens.

We thank you for who you've placed in positions of authority.

And we for the community that they strive so hard.

Um, to create and Lord, as we continue to do podcasts like this, I just pray that, um, it would be a way to spread word about you to people that we wouldn't usually see on a day to day basis or not have access to.

And we just pray that you would bring all of our friends and family home from their work and their daily lives.

Um, that you'd bring them home safely today.

And I thank you for Shabu and for his time.

And we pray all these things in your name.

Amen.

Amen.

Well, friends, that's it for now.

Jess.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to hang out with us and say thanks to your good looking husband, Tim.

I will.

Okay.

God bless everyone.

Thank you.