Overcoming Shame | Matt Curtis

Well, hey, church family. If we have not met,

my name is Matt and I get to serve at the Fuqua Arena campus where I live

with my wife and our two boys.

We've got a lot of work that we want to get through today.

So we're just gonna jump in and let it rip. That's how we do it in Fuqua.

All right? Yeah, .

So today we are talking about Shay and that actually

works out pretty well for me 'cause I happen to have a lot of experience with

shame.

The greatest tool we have against shame is actually to talk about shame.

But that takes vulnerability. That takes courage and it is really,

really difficult for most of us. It's not in our nature,

right? Our nature is to project the best version of ourselves.

Even as I began to gather my thoughts for this message,

I had a really hard time deciding what to share.

Not because I particularly have a hard time being vulnerable,

but because the catalog of cat murders and shame is extensive.

I mean, lemme tell you quick example. Um,

there used to be this commercial. It's a Milky Way commercial.

Tattoo artist is so enthralled in her Milky way,

she's distracted in tattoos. No regers on this big bald biker guy, man.

He's like, oh no. rets spelled it wrong. Well, that's me.

Literally. I mean, when I'm 27 years old,

after years of planning and intentionally wanting a purposeful tattoo,

I walk into a tattoo shop,

I hand them a Latin phrase I wanted real small on my wrist,

they upsold me. And for $60,

I paid them to permanently mark my skin with a word that I had misspelled.

That's a huge mistake. Big regrets.

And that's shameful. That's okay. We, everybody knows about it now, right?

My mom's gonna find out this weekend on the internet. So , that's okay.

Somebody opened the Get Hope TV chat and check Otter.

But I've got a lifetime experience of shame and it's misspelled tattoo.

That is a little bit of shame.

But you are also looking at a man who my entire life,

I've been bigger than everybody around me overweight and looking at myself in a

mirror going, I shouldn't look like this. I should be thinner than I am.

Oh, we're getting real tonight, y'all. That's, let me back it up.

Let me back it up. . Uh, so my family and I just went to Disney World.

We got into Disney fans. I know you're out there. There they are. Uh,

well to you people. Let me tell you that love, uh,

hope Community Church wants to love you where you are,

encourage you to grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is my pastoral responsibility to let you know that we have both financial

coaching, we have financial peace University .

So somebody pull up the website and send it to me 'cause I need some help

. Uh, but we love Disney. We, my wife really loves Disney. Uh,

we actually honeymoon there and I vividly remember being a proud new

husband walking around with my wife on my arm.

They give you a honeymoon button so everybody in the park knows that you're on

your honeymoon and they're all congratulating you as you experience all of the

Disney things. We were overdrafting our bank account. That's a true story.

More shame. Sorry mom .

But we're having a blast until I step into this amusement park

ride and I just cannot fit. I mean, I'm trying to fit,

I'm trying everything that I can to fit inside this daggum thing.

I'm pushing down elbows on the bar, I'm sucking in my gut.

I'm pulling and squeezing this belt,

begging for the mercy of God to just let me hear this click.

And the click never comes.

And I look up and I'm asked to remove myself from this ride for my own

safety. And this new proud, very capable husband

stepped out of this silly amusement park ride.

I wanted to shrink in that moment.

I wanted to hide and never come out of a hole. Well,

we're at Disney two weeks ago having a great time.

But every line that we stood in, every single line, I thought,

I hope I fit in this thing.

I hope I don't have to remove myself from this ride with my in-laws in front of

us and my sons. It's been 12 years, y'all,

even when I was asked to come here and speak the word of God to my church,

and look, I love my church and I know the people of my church love me.

But being asked to communicate the word of God with confidence, with faith,

with conviction,

there's this little thought in my head says that you can't do that.

You don't look right. That shame can affect my marriage.

It can affect every interaction I have it,

it shows up when I'm walking on a plane.

It shows up when I'm standing in my closet. They call that body image shame.

But here's what I want us to understand tonight.

Whether it's body image that you struggle with or something else, shame,

all shame is a self-image issue. It's an internal perspective,

internal understanding that I am unworthy.

The scientists who study shame say the commonality in all shame is that there

exists. A self-image of deficiency says,

I see myself as defective.

It's also proven shame is highly correlated with depression, loneliness,

violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders,

and extensive list of addictions. Look,

you assess the mental and emotional health of our culture.

And shame could very well be the common contributor to where we find ourselves

today.

Shame's the voice of oppression that says you are not loud. Acceptance.

Shame is like the abuser that beat you down and then blames you for being the

reason that you deserve the beating. Shame is a captor.

It enslaves us in the guilt of something we have done or something that has been

done to us. It's wicked.

And whether it's a tool of the enemy or the thought inside of our heads,

the only way we can move forward from being defeated by shame is to talk about

shame. So today we're gonna talk about shame because some of us,

some of us are being held captive by the ghost of shame.

But Jesus has come to set the captives free. Amen.

Listen, I don't share my story with you. My experience with body image,

uh, for pity or make you feel bad for me. Uh, in fact, I'm good.

I have really learned a lot of ways to face this head on in a healthy way. Uh,

I know Jesus loves me. I've got a men's group that I share all of this with.

I'll share it with pretty much anybody anyways.

And I have this fire crackling Disney character,

sparkler gardener of a wife who refers to me as hunk, licious,

all the time in public. That's good.

But I do share my story because I think we all have an element of shame that we

have to face in a healthy and biblical way.

Maybe your shame comes from the way you grew up or how you were parented

something that happened to you as you were a child.

Maybe it's something from a weekend in high school, a semester in college,

the loss of a relationship, the loss of a business venture, the loss of a job,

the loss of a wayward child, the loss of a pregnancy.

Shame takes roots in our losses and grows when it's isolated and in the dark.

So we have to talk about shame and it starts with this.

How do I see myself and how is that different from the way

God sees me? Let's try to answer that tonight. Sound good? Alright,

we're gonna look at, uh, my guy Peter. You guys know Peter?

Peter has a storied history with Jesus.

Peter was a professional fisherman with his brother,

a follower of John the Baptist. One day Jesus shows up and says, Hey,

follow me and I'll make you fishers of men. And he did. They dropped everything.

And for years, Peter was with Jesus watching healings,

then witnessing teachings and all of these things. Gary,

Gary vet a few weeks ago talked through Acts two where Peter gave the first

sermon. I mean in the New Testament, Peter is a heavy hitter also.

Peter was a loose cannon.

Peter was a little bit of a fireball that's actually on YouTube.

I was doing some research. I found a bluegrass song called Peter was a Fireball.

Peter was a fireball, .

I asked Sam if we could play it and we're not ,

but Peter was a man of great faith. He was all in and he was a fireball.

He was a quick trigger, ready to respond, knee jerk reaction kind of guy.

But I also think that Peter in his lifetime struggled

with shame. I'll give you two examples. All right.

Luke five is early in Jesus' ministry.

Jesus is teaching a bunch of folks buy a lake and the disciples are out in a

boat. He gets done teaching and he's hungry. He says, Hey guys,

catch me some fish. Drop your nets. Peter responds and says, master,

we've been out here all night and haven't caught anything. But if you say so,

I will. Turns out they pull up a bunch of fish. And when Peter sees the fish,

he responds in shame and he says, depart from me.

For I am a sinful man.

Jesus has just produced a miracle. All right?

The fishermen whose job it is to catch fish are fishless.

And Jesus provides a net full of fish. Fish that'll feed Peter,

that'll feed the disciples, their communities, their maybe Jesus, I don't know.

But Peter's response is, leave me Jesus, because I am sinful.

You make me feel little. You make me feel small. You make me feel unworthy.

Unqualified. But Jesus responds and says, do not be afraid.

From now on you will be catching men.

Shame is fueled by the fear of rejection.

Let me push you away so you don't reject me.

So who are we working so hard to receive the approval of?

I go on example two in Luke 22 and maybe one of the more dramatic

chapters in all of scripture. And this thing reads like a tele novella. Uh,

in Luke 22. First off, Judas goes to the chief priest and is, you know,

conspiring to betray Jesus and hand him over to the authorities.

Then Jesus gathers the disciples together to celebrate Passover,

which then becomes the Lord's supper, right?

Jesus knows his suffering is coming and he says,

I have wanted to do this with you before I suffer.

So he takes the bread at their meal and he breaks it and distributes it out.

And he says, this is my body that is given to you. Do this in remembrance of me.

He takes the cup and says, this is the new covenant that is poured out to you.

Take it and drink it. I mean, they have a moment.

They have a communion moment. God knows I love a communion moment.

We love a communion moment in Fuquay, right? So they're having this moment.

And then Jesus says, but one of you is going to betray me.

And he is talking about Judas Jesus in there dropping napalm bombs in the middle

of the Lord's supper. I mean, this breaks the room into a frenzy. Well,

who's gonna betray Jesus? I'm not gonna betray Jesus. I love Jesus.

Jesus loves me. Then they start arguing about who his favorite is.

And Peter pipes in and is probably trying to prove himself right?

And then he says, Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison and to death.

Like he's strong, right? Well, Jesus brings him back to reality and says, Peter,

you will deny me three times before the rooster crows. Shortly after that,

authorities show up to arrest. Jesus. Peter,

trying to defend Jesus takes out a sword.

Chops a guy's ear off because Peter is a fireball. That's right.

So just like that, they're doing all this. Jesus heals the guy's ear.

And then Jesus is taken away and scripture says that Peter followed from

a distance real quick church, how are we doing?

In our following of Jesus, we follow at a distance.

Peter just said, Lord, I will go with you to prison or to death.

And moments later he's following, but it's from a distance.

So how are we doing in our commitment to being followers of Christ?

Are we to prison or to death? People?

Are we people who follow but follow from a distance? I'll tell you this,

if you're walking with shame, Jesus may not be in your view at all.

But Peter, he's following at a distance. All right?

He's in proximity of Jesus with Jesus.

While Jesus is being condemned to death and three times,

Peter is accused of knowing Jesus, of being a follower of Jesus,

being a disciple of Jesus.

And three times he denies any affiliation to Jesus at all.

Upon the last denial of Rooster crows.

Luke 2261 says, when the rooster crows,

the Lord turned and looked at Peter and Peter left and wept

bitterly. The ghost of shame tells us to hide,

tells us to run. The ghost of shame is an oppressor,

a captor rooted in hopelessness and defeat.

Shame can hold our mind hostage if we let it,

shame will enslave us.

But Jesus has come to set the captives free. Amen.

So let's pick up this story in John 21. Now a lot has happened.

Jesus has gone on to be condemned,

to be hung on a cross and to be placed in a tomb. All right?

So what we have to remember is that the disciples have put everything in their

lives on following after Jesus. He's the Messiah, he's the son of God.

He's the hope of the world.

And the Messiah has just been killed on a cross and put in

a grave. These guys are spiraling.

They're living in the upside down world. They are reeling in John 21.

They're sitting around a fire and Peter not knowing what else to do,

says he's gonna go fishing. That's what he did.

That's what he did as a trade. It's what he was familiar with.

It's what he was comfortable with.

It's what he was doing before Jesus came into his life. You ever find yourself

in a season of spiraling or uncertainty reverting back to the things you did

before you knew the hope you had in Jesus? How does that go for you?

It does not go well for me. So these guys are fishing. We'll move on.

John 21. Four. Just as day was breaking,

Jesus stood on the shore. Yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus.

And Jesus said to them, children, do you have any fish? And they answered him,

no, I'm starting to think that these guys are not good fishermen, .

And he said to them,

cast the net on the right side of the boat and you'll find some.

So they cast it and now they were not able to haul it in because of the quantity

of fish that disciple whom Jesus loved. That's John talking about.

John said to Peter, it is a Lord.

Simon Peter heard it was a Lord he put on his outer garment for he was stripped

for work and threw himself into the sea.

The other disciples came in the boat 'cause Peter's a fireball, .

And they came in the boat dragging a net full of fish for they were not far from

the land, but about a hundred yards off. When they got out on land,

they saw a charcoal fire with fish laid out on it. And bread,

Jesus said to them, bring some of the fish that you have just caught.

Two things real quick. I don't want this to be a distraction. This cracks me up.

Jesus says, bring those fish that you just caught. First off,

I told you to catch those fish and where to catch those fish.

They show up with the boat with a hall full of fish.

And what's on the grill fish? Where did that come from? I do not know,

but that's funny. Jesus will mess with people . So,

but I don't want us to miss this. All right. Uh,

this is nearly an identical scene from what we talked about in Luke five.

If you remember in Luke five, it's early in Jesus's ministry, right?

John 21 is after his resurrection in Luke five.

The disciples are in a boat in John 21,

the disciples are in a boat in Luke five.

They're out all night and don't catch any fish. John 21, they're out all night.

No fish in Luke five. Jesus says, throw the net in one more time. John 21.

Jesus says, throw the net in one more time. In Luke five,

they get a huge haul of fish in John 21. Tons of fish.

Here's the difference in Luke five, Jesus says, throw the net out again.

And Peter says, master, we toiled all night and took nothing but at your word.

I will do as you say. Right? And when Peter saw all the fish, he was ashamed.

Peter said, depart from me for I am a sinful man.

Peter's fireball response,

his quick trigger response was one of shame and unworthiness. And then John 21,

what happens? They bring in the fish. Peter recognizes it's the risen Lord.

And what does Peter do? He grabs his clothes,

jumps in the water and swims a hundred yards.

Peter does everything he can to as quickly as he can,

get as close as he can to Jesus. There's no shame,

there's no hesitation, no pause, no guilt.

All that matters is being close to Jesus. This is why this is important.

Peter walked with Jesus for three years, sat under the teaching,

saw the healings, and he declared Jesus to be the Messiah.

But now seeing Christ resurrected,

Peter is no longer walking with the ghost of shame because Jesus is the

re resurrected king and the resurrected king has come

to set the captives free. John 2115,

when they finish breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon, son of John,

do you love me more than these? This is in front of everybody.

He's just again stirring the pot. And he said to him, yes Lord,

you know that I love you. He said to him, feed my lambs.

He said to him a second time, Simon son of John, do you love me? He said to him,

yes Lord, you know that I love you. He said to him, tend my sheep.

He said to him, a third time, Simon son of John, do you love me?

Peter was greed because he had said it a third time, do you love me?

And he said to him, Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.

Jesus said to him, feed my sheep. Let's pause there.

'cause this is what's stirring in my soul. There is a difference in Fireball.

Peter who walks with the ghost of shame. And this Peter in John 21,

Jesus asked Peter three times, if he loves him, recreating another event.

Jesus as Peter denied Jesus three times, right?

And he has unphased here and said, Lord, you know everything.

You know that I love you. Look, shame is an identity issue. And Christ,

in Christ, we are a new creation. And then Christ,

the captives are set free.

No matter what we are holding to or what is in our minds or captivating our

hearts. Jesus, through his cross and the power of the resurrection through him,

he is buried with our shame and we rise up out of it holy and blameless

and the righteousness of Christ because of the goodness of our God.

Yesterday my phone died outta nowhere.

It was weird and I couldn't get to anything, right? Texts, phones, calculators,

I don't use that. But you know, whatever teams outlook, but it's dead.

Phone is dead.

There's no accessing the things on the phone when the phone is dead.

And our shame has been put to death.

Jesus has done the work to eradicate shame.

He's done the work he has put to death our shame.

But just like the Israelites who wandered in the desert after being set free

shame is this internal thought that in our minds draws us back

into captivity.

The church is full of shame and it does not need to be that way.

Jesus came to set liberty to the captives,

to set free the oppressed. Jesus came to set the captives free.

He bore Peter's shame. He bears my shame.

Look Luke 22, we have this picture image, uh,

where Peter denies Jesus a third time, right? You remember that?

And in verse 61, it says, the Lord looked and saw Peter.

That's when Peter leaves and weep and weeps bitterly, right?

And if you're like me, you read that and you go,

that's when Jesus gave him the what's what.

That's when Jesus gave him that look, the look of disappointment,

the look of disapproval, the look that how could you, the look that I told you.

So a look of shame. It's not what he did.

It's not who he is. Jesus knew that this would happen.

Jesus told Peter that it would happen.

I'm pretty convinced that when Jesus locks eyes with Peter,

it's with the face of compassion. I'm pretty sure it's one that says,

I know that you're ashamed of me. I know that you're ashamed of yourself,

but I love you and you are set free from that.

Listen church, Jesus has paid for all of our past, our present,

and our future sins through the cross. By the miracle of God's grace,

in his mercy and kindness. By faith, you are not damaged goods.

You are not less than.

You are not unacceptable or unworthy.

No matter what you have been told, no matter what you are telling yourself,

the work has been done.

The maker and the creator of our universe submitted himself to bear

across, to put to death our shame, paying a debt for our weakness.

And that weakness, our shame, is the very thing that makes his power perfect.

God does not desire that we pull Jesus off the cross, climb up there,

crucify ourself,

and just to prove to him that we're worthy of his love through the cross.

Our shame is no longer our captor, no longer an oppressor,

no longer an abuser.

'cause we serve a God and we know a God,

and we sing worship to a God

who defeated shame, who crushes the head of the enemy, who defeated death,

who provides healing and grace and mercy and kindness and freedom.

So what are we hiding from? What are we ashamed of?

John 21, Jesus says to Peter, truly, truly, I say to you,

when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted.

But when you are old,

you will stretch out your hands and another will dress you and carry you where

you do not want to go. Follow me. Jesus hits him with what it will cost.

Peter denied Jesus three times. And Jesus says,

now you will deny yourself Luke 9 23.

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself,

take up his cross and follow me.

The hard truth about shame is that it is in our nature

on some level. It gives us comfort to isolate, to hide, to say, depart from me,

to reject you before you have to reject me because I'm so broken and I'm so

needy.

We have to do the hard work of denying those pathways in our brains to

take up the cross die daily, that's telling ourselves who we are,

made new in Christ. But how do we do that?

How do we rewire our brain, our minds, our hearts?

How do we shut out the voice of shame,

deny listening when it's in nature? Well, first

we must speak truth to ourselves. This is what I found.

It takes being honest with ourselves, being aware with our emotions,

our thoughts,

having the courage to be willing to expose ourselves to the truth of

God, the way God sees us cluster. Uh,

pastor Clay Burgess,

somebody I love dearly shared this list with a group of us a while back.

It's full of identity statements from scripture, and shame is an identity issue.

So maybe can write the scriptures down. I'm gonna read some of these. Uh,

or if you're holding on to shame, you find yourself hiding.

I just ask that you would close your eyes and let me speak God's truth over you.

But I'm no longer a captive to shame as a new creation in Christ.

I am a child of God. Galatians 3 26,

I am his workmanship. Ephesians two 10.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 1 39, 14,

I am chosen Ephesians one, four.

I am strengthened by God who holds me, protects me, and defends me.

John one 12 and 13, I am the light of the world.

Matthew five 14. I am born again, part of a royal priesthood,

a holy nation, a people of his own possession. One Peter two,

I am.

Steady.

Breathe that one in Psalm 91, 1. I am loved.

John three 16, I am healed. One Peter 2 24.

I am unashamed Romans one 16.

I am a new creation in Christ. Two Corinthians five 17.

I am the church and I exist to bring, represent, share,

and minister to this world. One Corinthians 1227, I am secure,

John 10 28. I am not condemned. I I'm set free.

Romans eight, for the Lord is my shepherd. He leads me to still water.

He leads me to green pastures. He restores my soul in him.

I lack nothing. Psalm 23, look,

we will remain captives of shame in our minds unless we

allow the truth of who we are in Christ to transform who we are in

our flesh.

And that takes prioritizing time and the word with God.

We must speak truth to ourselves.

We need a friend. We need to be honest with others.

Vulnerabil vulnerability exposes shame, plain and simple.

Telling someone takes courage and that requires trust. That's a step of faith.

But being known by God, being known by others.

Fully.

And completely through and in our weaknesses, that is where joy comes from.

That is where healing begins.

One of our desires at hope is that everyone would have community.

That we'd all have a group of four or 12 people that we can share our lives

with,

who would hold us accountable in understanding who we are in God for

his purpose.

But that may not be your best first step if you're

holding onto shame. If there is something that is keeping you hidden,

I'm asking you that you will just send a note to [email protected].

And let us just join you in praying for freedom.

You can send an email to me, Matt [email protected]

[email protected].

.

I hope that doesn't become a thing. Well, look,

find somebody here at the campus, wherever you are a pastor, someone on staff,

someone serving a neighbor, a friend, a parent,

schedule the appointment with the counselor that you've been putting off,

please just begin the process of healing by telling somebody,

here's the last thing

we read earlier about the Last Supper, and we want to observe communion today.

Uh,

we'll have somebody at your campus come out and explain the logistics

of that. But before we get there, when we observe communion,

we're acknowledging who we are fully and completely.

We're acknowledging our weaknesses. We're acknowledging our sins,

but not through the oppressive voice of shame,

but to remember the goodness of our God,

to remember that his power is made perfect in our weakness.

So I want you to take some time, I want you to pray.

I want you to confess sin.

I.

Want you to confess, weakness, confess, disunity,

or division that you have caused. And as you hold this cup,

this bread and this juice,

if shame

has been informing you about who you are,

this is an opportunity to put a stop to that now

in Jesus. So he took the bread

and he broke it. And he said,

this is my body that has been broken for you.

It's been given for you.

Take it and eat it and do it in remembrance of me.

And he picked up the cup. He said, this cup is the new covenant.

My blood poured out for you.

And in that there is no shame.

Drink it and do it in remembrance of me.

We have a God who loves us.

Hebrews 12, two says, looking to Jesus,

the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy

that was before him, endured the cross, despising the shame,

and the seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Let me pray. Father, you are our God and we are your people.

God, we thank you for pouring yourself out, God,

that we might respond and truly believe that in the cross,

as we stand right here in this place, in this room together, God,

that there is no shame because you are a good and kind and

patient. God. God,

I pray that we would move towards you and we would move away from being

enslaved, being held captive, God,

that we would live as free people because Jesus came,

lived humbly To satisfy your desire, God.

And in that we are set free in Jesus name. Amen.