Replay | Godly Sex with Chris Schlotterbeck

Welcome to Hub City Vineyard.

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Thank you and enjoy the message.

So for the month of February we are discussing love, sex, and godly relationships in our

sermon series that we've called Private Parts.

So as a reminder, today is rated PG, okay, parental guidance.

So if you are concerned about your children and what they may or may not hear then we

would love for them to join us in HCVKids at this time.

So if you want to consider checking them then great.

If not, we will continue on because last week we opened a series with a talk on attraction

and we talked about in the book of Solomon how Solomon and the Shulamite woman began

building qualities within themselves that led to attraction.

This week we will have an important talk for so many relationships and we will discuss

how to fight fair and to overcome our differences.

Today we will discuss a subject that affects all of us and one we are another and that

is the gift of sex.

Now I just want to be honest with you this morning, I got up at my normal time as I always

do on Sunday morning and begin praying and sharing and conversating with God about what

I'm supposed to be talking about today.

As I was getting ready Jess looked at me and said, are you feeling okay because you look

out of sorts.

And I was just kind of honest with her and said, you know I don't know if I should be

sharing about this topic.

I don't know if it's going to apply to everyone's life, I don't know if everyone is going to

glean something from it.

And it was one of those things where in my honesty God began to speak back and say no

we all need to hear about it.

It doesn't matter if you're married, not married, dating, teenager, divorced, widowed, whatever

it may be, we all need to hear about it because truth is whether we turn on our TV, look down

at our mobile device, click to a site on our computer, walk out into public, go to a movie,

plastered on magazines in Martins, there's messages everywhere regarding sex.

Our culture is consumed with sex.

The problem with the message of sex that is found in our culture is that it's dangerous,

destructive, and more importantly it is godless.

It is godless.

Today we want to discuss what it looks like for a husband and wife to experience godly

sex.

And to do so we're going to go through the book of Song of Solomon into chapter four

and we're going to pull out principles found in godly sex.

Now what I've learned in praying and discussing with God this morning is this topic is not

something to be embarrassed about.

It's just not.

It is something that God created.

It's beautiful, it is good, it makes babies, and let's be honest, it feels good and it's

great to experience.

So to break the ice and to build a foundation, I want to begin with a short video on how

not to have godly sex heard in a song sung by comedian Tim Hawkins.

I did the choreography myself.

Hey honey have you gained some weight in your rear end?

The dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend.

And when you get those shoes I think they're pretty lame.

Would you stop talking cause I'm trying to watch the game.

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life,

These are the things you don't say to your wife.

I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday.

I do ask you but I knew it'd be okay.

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life,

These are the things you don't say to your wife.

I do ask you but I knew it'd be okay.

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life,

These are the things you don't say to your wife.

Alright so on that note, our first thought this morning,

Godly sex is good.

Godly sex is good.

Now if you go back into the history of church,

you would find that church has often times been confused about God's design for sex.

There has actually been four stages in the church's thinking regarding this issue.

Stage one in the early church,

they reflected and thought that sex was simply the method that God ordained for procreation for having children.

Stage two was even more hostile towards sex.

And you would find that the early church writers saying that God didn't want us to enjoy sexual pleasure at all.

And that sexual pleasure was a part of original sin.

The highest life, the holiest life was a life without sex.

One of the early church fathers Gregory of Nyssa made the extraordinary claim that the Garden of Eden,

in the Garden of Eden there was no sex.

Stage three which began about 50 years ago,

the church rediscovered the goodness of sex.

That we all had these gifts and the Christian writers began to express and challenge people to experience sex together.

As in husband and wife.

Stage four, the stage that we are currently living in,

is the church's understanding that a holistic, realistic, and balanced message in the Bible,

which we are discussing this month regarding sex, and that message is this.

Godly sex is good.

How do we know that? Listen to Genesis one.

Then God said, let us make human beings in our image to be like us.

So God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God.

He created them male and female. He created them.

Then God blessed them and said, be fruitful and multiply.

Then God looked over all he had made and he saw that it was very good, that it was very good.

Now Christianity is the most bodily of the world's religions.

What do I mean by that? Well, the Bible teaches us that God created our bodies.

We just read that he made us male and female.

And when God made us male and female, he also gave us sexual desires,

in which he called good.

We believe that God, of course, came in bodily form, that Jesus had sexual feelings and emotions.

He was gendered.

And we believe that God will raise us up in a bodily form.

Heaven is not about floating around in dismembered souls or angels.

We're not going to have wings. We're actually going to have bodies.

And while it appears that there is no sex in heaven, we're going to have what sex is designed to point us to.

Total intimacy, complete connection, and mind-blowing pleasure.

That's what will happen in heaven as we worship and get closer to God.

Sex is designed by God to be good.

Unfortunately, as I stated earlier, our culture distorts it, manipulates it, right?

And makes it evil and corrupts it, which moves us to our second thought.

Godly sex begins with emotional intimacy.

What does that mean?

Intimacy begins way before the bedroom, right?

Women understand this, know this, and desire this, while men?

We need a little work.

Truth is, men are microwaves while women are crock pots.

Let's look no further than how Solomon honors his bride.

Solomon builds her up, compliments her, shares in conversation with her.

Song of Solomon 4 verse 1.

Song of Solomon 4:1

You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words.

Your eyes are like doves behind your veil.

Gentlemen, where does Solomon start?

Her eyes, right?

He makes eye contact.

He connects with her.

He speaks life into her and shares how beautiful she is.

Let's continue on.

Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin.

And you think, what?

What does that even mean?

You know, your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with a twin.

They didn't have dental floss back then.

They didn't have toothbrushes.

So for a person to have all their teeth, it was special.

She was special.

And he was sharing that with her, talking about her hair, her teeth, her fresh breath.

And that's an important part that many of us need to connect with and realize.

Solomon pays attention to the details.

He is building emotional intimacy.

He is connecting to his bride.

Gentlemen, wives want to be served.

Ladies, husbands want to be encouraged and empowered.

Listen to Mark chapter 9.

Mark 9 · chapter mention

He sat down, called the 12 disciples to him and said,

whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone.

Jesus is challenging us that we lay down our lives, that we serve one another,

not just those people that we work with, but first it starts in our homes.

It starts in our intimacy with one another between husband and wife.

We are called to serve in partnership with our spouses.

We do the dishes together.

We fold the laundry together.

We clean the bathrooms together.

Why?

Because two are better than one.

Right?

I always share in Ecclesiastes when people get married during their ceremony,

two are better than one.

A triple braided cord connect with God.

Yes, but yet we say those things and then we never live them out.

It's always one sided.

When in reality a perfect picture of intimacy, emotional intimacy and connection,

is when we do things together.

Emotional intimacy is created way before the bedroom, way before sex.

I mean think about it.

We live in a culture with immediate connection, immediate connection.

We can send texts to our significant other in the morning, in the afternoon,

thinking of you, miss you, love you, cannot wait to see you.

And what does that do?

It makes her feel special.

It makes him feel wanted.

It's going above and beyond to create a connection so that people then can live it out physically.

What if you actually began to pay attention to the details of a conversation like Solomon was doing?

And we ask questions about our day.

How are you feeling?

What was your struggles?

Can I pray for you?

And you think prayer?

What's that have anything to do with sex?

Well, if you think about it, physical romance start with emotional connection and our spiritual romance with God.

God loves us.

He wants to connect with us.

He wants to embrace us.

He pursues us.

It's a spiritual romance.

We are called to be like Jesus.

So having spiritual conversations with one another about strengths, weaknesses, what we're working on, all point to the physical connection that will happen later.

It's our responsibility to connect in that way.

Gentlemen, women so deeply enjoy NST.

What is NST?

Non-sexual touching.

They love it when you hold her hand in public.

It's OK.

PDA.

It doesn't mean you're running to the bathroom to have sex.

You're showing people that you love this woman and that you want to be with her and that you respect her and that you want to connect with her.

She loves having her back rubbed and scratched and her feet touched and corrals.

And you think I don't do that.

Well, then start.

And it's not a means to an end.

You're not focused on the end result.

You're focusing on her and you're spending time with her, building emotional connection.

Listen to Solomon as he goes on and on about his bride's beauty.

Your lips are like scarlet ribbon.

Your mouth is inviting.

Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil.

Your neck is as beautiful as the Tower of David, jeweled with shields of a thousand heroes.

What is he doing?

He is working his way down her body.

He doesn't start down.

He starts up and he connects with her emotionally.

He speaks life into her.

How do we know that?

But during this time, women were not highly regarded or respected.

They were often mistreated, abused and neglected.

And what is Solomon saying to his wife?

He's saying, I love the way you're securing yourself.

You stand strong.

You're beautiful.

Your strength is a part of me.

It's that emotional connection that needs to be established in order for godly sex to happen.

Which moves us to our third thought.

Godly sex is passionate.

Song of Solomon chapter four, verse five.

Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies.

Gentlemen, if you're going to approach twin fawns out in the woods, how are you going to do it?

You're going to be gentle.

You're going to be tender.

You're going to be quiet, caring and careful.

Because if you come barreling into the valley where the fawns are sniffing the lilies, where are the fawns going?

They're going bye bye.

They're going back to the woods.

Disappearing, covering up.

It's our immediate reaction that we have to realize that that's the connection that god desires.

Emotional, right?

Gently touching, caressing and encouraging her, loving her, making her feel special.

Ladies, make an approach.

Any approach.

Make an approach.

Whatever you got.

Truth is, it looks much better in satin rather than flannel.

Anything looks better.

Listen, listen.

Anything looks better than a bathrobe you purchased at Walmart because it looked warm.

Burn it.

Throw it away.

Get rid of it.

Put on something sexy.

Seriously, it's okay.

It's godly.

Why?

Because you've been given a gift.

You were created that way.

But the church, remember through the years you heard the history of it.

They made it dirty and disgusting.

And that's not God's original design.

He wants your significant other wants you to desire him.

Not out of duty, but out of a desire that you want to connect with him.

And I understand, right?

Let's be honest.

Life is complicated.

Sometimes you have to plan it.

You have children.

You have kids.

Get them watched.

Schedule a babysitter.

Order dinner and bring it home.

Light some candles.

Put water in the tub and put on some Marvin Gaye.

Let's get it on.

Gentlemen, if you don't plan it, it won't happen.

It's our responsibility to make an effort.

And I'm as busy as any of you.

I'll be honest.

We have busy weekends.

We coach teams.

We go to games.

We run kids to school.

We make sure the church is ready for Sunday morning for all of you to be here.

So put it in your calendars.

You put everything else in there.

I put all my appointments.

I put where the kids need to be.

You put your grocery list.

Schedule it.

If you're busy and you find yourself not being able to engage in godly sex, put it in your calendars.

Right?

For some of you, Sunday equals fun day.

And highlight it.

If you're off on Monday, how about Monday morning madness?

I'm off on Monday.

Gentlemen, how about Tuesday?

Tuesday, two for Tuesday.

Wow.

Wednesday, throw down Thursday and freaky Friday.

I just spelled it out for you.

Put it in your calendars.

Put it in your calendars.

Why?

Godly sex is passionate.

We say, well, how do you know that?

Well, listen to what Solomon says.

Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee.

I will hurry to the mountain of myrrh and to the Hill of frankincense.

Now, I don't know exactly what all of that means, but what I do know is it happened all night long because it was passionate.

It was exciting.

It was exhilarating.

Now, remember, let's take you back a little bit.

Everything recorded at this time in history, all historical documents recorded at this time in history.

Sex was specifically for procreation.

That's it.

But here we read in the Bible and not only is sex for procreation, but it's for what?

Recreation, enjoyment and pleasure.

And we need to experience that together.

Listen to the New Testament, first Corinthians seven.

The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs.

How?

The wife gives authority over her body to her husband and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations.

Do not.

Why?

Because God desires that we connect, that we are passionate with one another because he keeps the fire burning, which moves us to our next thought.

Godly sex is built on trust.

Godly sex is built on trust.

Psalm and Solomon four seven.

You are all together beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.

Now notice Solomon is describing her beauty, right?

And we, husband and wife, we need to respect one another's bodies and feelings.

We can't make comments like Tim Hawkins shared in our opening video.

We just can't do that.

And see guys, even if we're kidding, we still can't say it because there's power in words.

And even if we're joking around, our wives feel it and it doesn't create emotional intimacy.

It separates.

It doesn't create for godly sex.

It dishonors and we must respect and honor one another building that absolute truth.

Listen to Genesis two.

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife.

The two are united into one.

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Notice they felt no shame.

We are called to lay down our selfish desires and put the other first.

It's about the other person honoring one another is a picture that God desires for us to what?

Become one.

And when we become one, what is that?

That's the covenant.

That's the vow that two people share on their wedding day.

It's that commitment to be together for life.

And if we think about the new covenant, which we are living in, Jesus died on the cross for us.

He established grace through faith that our lives could be new and made whole.

Sex, godly sex is the outward invisible sign of the inward spiritual covenant.

It's the outward sign of the inward spiritual covenant.

There are no longer two, but one establishing that covenant and that connection.

Now, oftentimes again in church history, there's confusion and fear regarding this subject because we aren't speaking the truth.

We try to speak fear in the young people.

Oh, well, don't do that.

It's ungodly.

Don't touch.

Don't experience.

Don't feel when in reality we need to speak truth.

Sex is beautiful.

It was created for a man and a woman to share in marriage.

So wait for that special person.

Wait for that person person that God is designed for you.

Develop passion, intimacy and love with that person.

And how do we know that that is a result of sex?

Again, continuing on, listen to what Solomon writes.

You are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from Lebanon's mountains.

Awake, North wind, rise up South wind, blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around.

Come into your garden, my love, and taste its finest fruits.

Now, I read that this week and I thought that's in the Bible.

That is there and it's real.

And I don't need to explain it to you because you can read it for yourself and you can create the mental picture that Solomon has created for his special bride.

It's beautiful.

It's special.

It's loving.

It's just grace beyond grace.

But yet our culture, what does it say?

It's dirty.

It's make it your own God.

Do it whenever you want.

It goes totally out of bounds of what the Bible wants for us.

And unfortunately, because of those things formerly taught by the church and what our culture tells us, many of us struggle with guilt, shame, remorse, regret, anger, resentment, and emotions that just aren't Godly.

To be honest, you know, maybe you've already had sex and you just willingly gave it away.

Maybe you were abused and lost your virginity to a monster.

Right.

Maybe you just experienced Jesus.

You come into a relationship and you think, man, we messed that up.

How do we make it right?

Maybe maybe you grew up in a Christian home and it was just beat in your mind that it's dirty and no good.

And you can't have a connection with your spouse.

That's all shame, regret, remorse, anger, feelings that just aren't from God.

God desires that we have feelings and emotions about sex that are Godly, that are that are exciting and passionate.

But in order for those to happen, some of us, hey, we got to lay down those struggles and those feelings that we have in our mind.

And we got to give them to God because if we don't give them back to God and we don't allow him to remove those feelings from us, guess what?

That connection with our spouse is not going to be intimate, passionate, exciting and designed how God wants it to be.

So I'm going to stop right now.

I'm going to ask the Holy Spirit to come and ask him to speak into our lives.

Now, now hear me out.

I'm not going to ask you to raise your hand.

Stand up.

I'm not going to anybody pray for you.

I wanted to just be between you and God because I knew this is a subject that oftentimes gets ridiculed.

We don't want to embarrass anybody.

But at the same time, we want to be honest.

We want to allow God to connect with our heart and our minds and our spirits so that the spirit can minister us.

Why? Because he'll go over mountains to make your sex life better.

Right.

He'll knock them down, tear them down, pursue you so that your intimacy with your significant other is passionate, strong and vibrant like it's never been before.

But you got to lay down the lies that you may have been believing or the regrets of the remorses of the unforgiveness that's in your heart.

So Holy Spirit, come now.

We invite you into this place.

God, we invite you into my life.

God, just reveal to each and every one of us, God, any lie that we may believe in, be believing about this area of sex.

Forgive us, God, for any any sins that may be in our lives.

Forgive us for for not putting our our spouse first.

God, forgive us for not looking to you for guidance and direction in this area.

God, allow us, Jesus, to be torchbearers about about this issue of sex in our culture.

Allow us to be on the forefront of people that are sharing with young people about what it means to be in a godly relationship and have godly sex.

But at this time, we just we just give anything to you, any lie, any unforgiveness, any misstep to you.

And we ask, we ask God that you take it from our hearts.

You remove it from us, any blockage.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Amen.

And I just fully, fully believe that as we lay down those areas, that as God overwhelms us with grace, mercy and forgiveness and love, that we truly can walk out and experience success, sexual fulfillment in marriage.

Sexual fulfillment marriage, six steps to walking out this this just important factor of our relationship.

And granted, I understand, gentlemen, last week I heard that I was picking on you a little bit.

So I'm going to go three husbands and three wives.

I'm going to divide it evenly so women is coming at you too.

All right.

I'm going to start with the guys first.

And it's this husband's become sexually pure, become sexually pure.

Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity or greed among you.

Such sins have no place among God's people.

First Corinthians 618 run from sexual sin.

Gentlemen, the first step in becoming sexually intimate is removing and cleaning up your sexual practices.

Develop eyes for your wife alone, alone, period.

What does that mean?

That means that you need to block sites on your computers.

You need to not visit sites that lead you to having lustful temptations and desires.

You need to remove them totally.

You've got to move towards sexual purity in this issue and have an accountability partner where you can be honest about your struggle with pornography because it's all over our culture.

You say, well, Chris, I'm not going to stand up and share that I have a porn addiction.

Fine.

Show up to celebrate recovery tomorrow.

They have a group of people that focus on sexual struggles where you can talk personally and intimately with someone to be held accountable so that your heart can change and you can become a person that is passionate after God.

Second, husbands meet their emotional needs.

You listen to how Solomon again, you are beautiful, beautiful beyond words.

Your eyes are like doves.

Your hair falls in waves.

Now, I wouldn't describe your wife's hair as a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead.

All that means is that Jewish women typically had their hair up and Solomon saw her with her hair down and he was like, wow, I like that.

That's all that means.

Okay.

Your teeth are as white as she recently shorn and freshly washed.

Fresh breath.

That's all you got a Minto in there.

Your smile is flawless.

Your lips are like scarlet ribbon, right?

You see that emotional connection that Solomon is having with this special woman that she is cherished that she is loved that she that she is special.

And see, I often tell couples this during pre-barital counseling during the dating phase.

Men do that all the time, right?

They wine and dine.

They're special bride.

They they share quality time with her and conversations and they do fun activities and they send love letters and text messages.

But as soon as they get married, they sit in a chair and all that stops and there's no recording or dating.

Well, Chris, that was for dating.

No, you date the rest of your life.

You want to have a good sex life.

Go on a date every week.

Treat her special.

Wine and dine her.

Make her feel like she is the only woman on this planet and she is yours.

And if you treat her that way, guess what?

You're going to have the best sex you've ever had in your life.

Number three, husbands increase and ST increased non-sexual touch.

He sat down, called the 12 disciples and said whoever wants to be first must take last place and be a servant to everyone.

Right?

Men.

You want to increase your sex life?

Hold her hand.

Love her.

Look into her eyes.

Rub her feet.

Rub her shoulders.

Draw her a bath.

Right?

Just don't run right to sex.

Touch her and caress her like the like the like the the the deer.

Right?

And the fawns.

You got to make that special connection with her because that's her love language.

And as you do, then your godly sex will improve.

All right, women.

Number four, wives embrace your sexuality.

Embrace it.

Psalm and Solomon four, come into your garden, my love.

Taste its finest fruits.

That's her words, not his.

Psalm and Solomon five, one, oh lover and beloved.

Eat and drink.

Yes, drink deeply of your life of your love.

Excuse me.

Wives, remember, God desires for married couples to enjoy their sexuality.

Godly sex is good.

Sometimes you need to reflect on and believe and have conversations with other women about their sex lives.

So you see that it's okay.

It's not dirty.

It's not disrespectful.

No, it's sensual and loving.

If you have thoughts that sex is dirty, sex is a sin.

I love God.

I can't be sexy.

They're lies.

You were created to be sexy.

Be sexy for him.

And as he desires you more and pours into you and as you embrace your sexuality, then intimacy happens.

Number five, wives realize sex blesses your marriage.

Sex blesses your marriage.

Husbands fulfill the wife's sexual needs.

Wife fulfill her husband's needs.

Women, please understand and respect God created men to want it a lot.

It's not our fault.

It's how we were created.

Our mind goes there.

We think about it.

We reflect on it.

I'm not justifying actions where there's abuse, neglect, pornography.

They are disrespectful and should not be a part of your life.

But what I am saying is we have a high sexual drive, very high sexual drive.

And we have to realize that as we crave it, we don't want you to have sex out of duty or obligation.

Like that's so beautiful.

That's not loving.

No, realize that as you bless this marriage, as you connect with one another, you're blessing each other.

Because what did the scripture tell us?

It says fulfill both needs.

Not just his.

Don't just make him feel good because that's all we see right through that duty.

We see right through that.

We don't want you just to do it out of duty because that's not fun, exciting, sensual, exotic.

It's not.

And as we see right through that, then our separation begins.

So just please understand that women be a part of your marriage and bless it.

And sex does that.

And finally, six wise, communicate your sexual needs.

Communicate your sexual needs.

Wise words satisfy like a good meal and right words bring satisfaction.

Just let me spell out for you.

Having a conversation with your husband or wife about sex and what feels good and what you want to do.

That's not pornography.

That's a healthy conversation.

And it's spelling out what you need, what he needs, and what makes you feel good.

That is godly and creates a godly connection so that your sex improves, improves and grows.

So as we continue on in this series, my challenge to all of you this week is this.

If you are married, and I'll draw lines.

If you are married, take these steps and discuss them this week between you and your spouse.

Discuss them, have conversations about these six steps, about how you can improve men.

Ask your wife, OK, how can I make you feel special?

How can I touch you in public?

Ask those questions.

How do I pour into your emotional tank and make you feel good?

And women ask him those questions too.

Right?

How do you feel good?

What do you need from me?

How can we create an environment in our bedroom that is about sexuality that is growing and healthy and loving and is godly?

And as you have those conversations, then suddenly we can become examples to our culture of what it truly means to have great sex.

Because that's what God wants.

God wants and desires that we have great, godly sex all the time.

Right?

Because all those dates that I was laying out, all those names, they're all in my calendar.

They're all in my calendar.

And we need to get to a point where we all do that.

So Holy Spirit, come, God, empower us to be people that truly embrace our sexuality.

Empower us to be husbands and wives that draw closer to one another through this incredible, beautiful act that you've given us.

May your hand be upon us as we go and we make a difference in this world that you've given us to.

In Jesus' name, amen.

God bless.

Have an incredible week.

We do conflict resolution next week, part three.