Fathering Through Failure

Before time had a name, there was a garden, a

place where heaven and earth walked as one. This

is the Echoes of Eden, where we rediscover ancient

roots and awaken to our eternal purpose. All

right, guys, welcome back to the podcast. This

time I am joined again for the first time this

season by my lovely wife. In this episode, the

topic will be on fathering through failure. Let

me just start off with the scripture this week,

and it's Romans 8 .1. and it says so now the

case is closed there remains no accusing voice

of condemnation against those who are joined

in life union with jesus the anointed one and

for me myself i know what it is to hear the accusing

voice of condemnation um and it's that voice

and or just hit the ground running right up the

top of this is it's it's the voice that reminds

me of my failures as a dad and it doesn't do

any good it doesn't do me any good to hear and

be reminded failures I think obviously we both

know failures are a part of life yeah even as

parents that's you know you know we know our

kids are going to fail at times that's just part

of living no one's ever going to get it right

a hundred percent of the time but it's When you're

trying to raise Three children You know, we got

a ten -year -old a seven -year -old and almost

a one -year -old in just a few short months You

know, you know, you're going to fail and you

know failure is part of it and I think back and

you can you can attest to this of even having

Kaylin, we know we failed some with, I know I

failed some, probably a lot more with Kaylin

than I am with Aiden, if that makes sense. Kaylin

had, you know, Kaylin's our first kid and neither,

I mean she did not come, unfortunately the hospital

did not give us any kind of manual to go by with

her. So there was obviously there's things we

did with Kalen that you know we learned from

and hopefully did better with Trinity and now

hopefully do even better now with Aiden and you

go through this process of at least as a dad

and I'll let you speak to this some you go through

this process of knowing that you failed. Some

of my failures have been much larger than others.

And you can't go back and erase those moments.

But you have to learn from it. Silence the voice

of accusation. Learn from it. And then, you tell

me this all the time, you can start today basically.

Correct it now. Speak to that a little bit because

you've walked to you've walked through my failures

with me alongside me even Well, we'll talk about

some of this on a later podcast too, but even

at towns when I pushed you away You still stuck

by me and saw the man I could be Yeah, I Mean

I Think your past failures and everything, of

course you don't live there. But I think it's

all in perspective. I know that there's times

that I have come to you and I bring up something

in the past that you would have done. But I also

take that and to show you how far you've come.

Yes. So remembering some things is not always

a bad thing. because you can see how far you've

come. But the thing is, is you can't stay there.

You can't just say, well, this is what I did.

This is what happened. And just keep living in

that one moment. I mean, nothing's going to come

out of it. Nothing's going to grow. You can't

better yourself if you're stuck. And I think

it's important too. And I think we've, I know

we've had this conversation before of, And this

is for men listening who, maybe their wife kind

of does the same thing of, you know, previously

you wouldn't have responded that way. It would

have been different. It's important in those

moments to take that and to not hear what you're

not saying. Because I would take sometimes when

you would say that and criticize myself. and

beat up myself and thought, well, yeah, that's

what I did. But that's how I acted. That's not

the place I was coming from. Yeah. It was all

in your perspective. I was allowing what you

were bringing up to... Bring you down. Well,

not just bring me down, but to become an identity

for me. Right. And it's important, you know,

you would have to have that conversation that

I'm not playing this out to hurt you. I'm pointing

this out, like you said a while ago, to show

you how far you've come. Even telling me, you

know, things that you said the kids have said,

you know, that's changed. I think a lot of it

has to do in your communication. You know, if

we hadn't had that conversation about it and

you not come to me and say, well, this is how

it makes me feel. So the vulnerability on your

end to tell me that opened the door for me to

say, hey, I didn't think about it that way because

I only knew what I was processing in my mind

and what I would tell you from my perspective,

not realizing that you didn't catch my perspective.

So we had to have that conversation. So communication

is important in moving forward. To get through

mistakes and to grow from them because I had

to stop and say okay So this is what he needs

for me. I need to explain. This is why I'm saying

this not I'm not throwing daggers and Give I'm

casting like Flowers, you know at the end of

a performance like Yeah, this is this is what

I mean it as like But if you're in that negative

mindset, because you're putting yourself down,

you're not going to see that from an encouraging

standpoint. Right. And that's what I was trying

to do is encourage you, not bring you down. But

you also have to have that conversation because

if you hadn't come to me and you just thought

that I was just putting you down all the time.

And well, she said this. So I'm still no better

than I was or well, she said this or she she

sent me this video and I could do better I'm

just horrible Instead of just holding on to that

and bottling it all up, you know Eventually,

it's gonna spill over and you're gonna be right

back to where you started because you're you're

you're It's like I know I've heard Damon Thompson

talk about this and some other guys, but behavior

follows identity. So if you constantly reinforce

the negative side of this is how it used to be.

Well, eventually that's going to just become

a loophole back in. Well, that's who I was. So

that's who I'm always going to be. And you're

going to create this longevity thing of somebody

that you're not. Right. And so in knowing that,

All I have to do is tweak my words so I can explain

to you, hey, I saw this, this is what you would

have done, but look how far you've come. Or,

hey, I thought of this and you not realizing

because you've been focused on your mistakes

that I may have sent you something because I

was convicted of it and just thought, hey, this

was. This was good. It took it the other way

and you take it the other way because you were

dealing with something internally that I didn't

know about so I couldn't throw You know the invisible

shade at you when I was being convicted myself

yourself So it's all in communication and all

it is is just you know being honest and vulnerable

with each other Because you can't have a marriage

built on something You can't have a marriage

or relationship built on well one perspective

Yes And I think to it, you know, I have to remember

and maybe someone listen this is the same way

I am I Know I am my own biggest critic I will

beat myself up harder than anybody else around

me including those who don't like me or whatever

That's why people I kind of laugh sometimes and

people say I don't want you to get upset or something

like that like it's hard for me to do that from

other people because I know how hard I am on

myself and probably More than likely anything

that someone else is going to say I've already

thought at some point anyhow But I think it's

you know, it's important to remember that failure

especially failure especially as a dad a husband

it's not the end it's often the beginning of

deeper grace and you talked about vulnerability

and I think that's even as a dad you know there's

been time to know you've had to do it too but

there's been times I've had to go back to our

kids and be like I'm sorry and whether that's

on my own accord or you looking at me at times

going you need to go fix that sometimes I'm reluctant

and other times sometimes I'll jump on it and

sometimes I'm more reluctant but as soon as you

say it I'm like yeah no I got to go fix that

I got to go have that conversation and go I didn't

mean it that way this is kind of what I was trying

to say what I was trying to do but I think that

vulnerability even with the kids is important

Yeah, I think a lot of people, especially, you

know, I mean, it's probably really done more

now than it was years ago. For some reason, you

know, men are supposed to be strong and, you

know, firm hand, and you can't show vulnerability

because you're less of a man because of it. But

in reality, it teaches your kids You know, no

matter what I can go to my dad because he's made

mistakes. He may know what to do. Yeah, or You

know dad doesn't always get it right, but he

keeps going he doesn't give up and sit in it

You know, he comes and sometimes it'd be easy

to just stop and sit in it, right? But the legacy

that you leave behind all because you can apologize

to your kid when you do something wrong It just

breaks a lot of cycles Yeah, it's like mistakes

and failures can be teaching moments when you

approach them with humility. Well, yeah, I don't

and you know, parenting, whether you're a mom

or a dad, there's no right or wrong. I mean,

I'm sure there's right or wrong things to teach

your kids, but you can't take this whole right

or wrong aspect as an overall cap for parenting.

Because just as you what may be right or wrong

for Kaylin and how you discipline her is not

a one size fits all for Trinity. No, you cannot

treat the two the same. So, you know, they're

there's I guess for lack of better words there's

right and wrong but there's no um there's no

set principle way to handle you can't blanket

the response right and as as parents you know

we're like well we're just gonna screw up everything

and it's like but do we have to if we're honest

with them and you apologize for things as you

go you're both learning they've never been kids

before so true we've never been parents before

we're kind of learning all this together yep

even with aiden it's a whole different they have

a little boy who seems to be wanting to grab

anything that he's not supposed to have right

that's different the other two didn't do that

so just because just because we've had We're

in 10 years of parenting experience. They're

each different. They're each different. So now

it's almost like you're starting all over now

with Aiden and you have to learn from raising

Kalen and Trinity as far as you have and now

tweak it now with Aiden. So, again, it goes back

to there's no blanket response. No, parents are

always learning. Parents are always learning

every single day. Sometimes we learn things we

don't want to learn. Well, that's true too. Sometimes

we learn things that we didn't know we needed

to know. No. Especially when your kids are telling

you this. Needed, wanted. But I think, you know,

you think of the idea of fathering through failure.

and knowing that as I'll say as parents because

more than just men could listen to this but this

this season specifically I'm trying to target

dads and young men we know failure is a part

of life it's trying to learn how to take those

failures and owning the failure, being able to

apologize, being able to take grace even deeper,

and I guess for me personally, the more grace

that I know I have been shown, and we'll get

to some topics later on, but to know the grace

that I have been shown. it has caused me to turn

around and show more grace as a dad. I feel like,

and you can agree and attest to what, you know,

you've lived with me for how many years, 13 years?

I feel as if earlier on as a dad, I had a short

fuse. And now, there may still be days when I

have those short views. I think that's just called

life and being human. But I think what I take

to heart in my part of the journey now is hearing

you, you tell me things as far as what you've

seen me How do I say that? And how you've seen

me be transformed. Right, how you've grown. How

I've grown. And you're not one to sugarcoat things.

Like you're going to lay it out. You wouldn't

just tell me that to make me have a feel good

day. No. And not just you, but for you to tell

me conversations that the girls have had. I know

even yesterday I'm not one that I wish I could

be more emotional at times and show emotion a

little bit more sometimes but like maybe that

part was buried I don't know that's a whole prayerful

thing for me but I remember even yesterday in

the kitchen and I think you told me that you've

told me this before about you wish the dad that

Aiden has His age the girls would have had it

theirs. Yeah, and I just got choked up over that

Because I know that It goes back to this whole

failure that I know I failed on so many areas

But yet at the same time I know I'm bunny -hopping

bunny -hopping everywhere, but I think all this

is important Me knowing I failed that many times

allows me to show grace to other people including

my own kids like did you mess up sure am i frustrated

probably but that doesn't change how i see you

as my daughter or my son as he gets older well

one thing that i've noticed too is you know a

lot of times kids associate their worth by things

they do. So, if they spill something or drop

something or mess up something or break something,

their automatic response is to look at you and

they're trying to think, okay, how are they going

to react? Am I going to get yelled at? Am I going

to get fussed at? Are they going to freak out

because did this or how bad am I in trouble because

of it and you and you can see that real good

with Trinity yeah she just kind of panics like

there's the other day she all she did and I'm

not afraid to talk about this because it's my

past and my struggles that I've had to overcome

but I looked at Trinity maybe it was Monday morning

Maybe a Monday morning to think that she had

come into the kitchen and was getting ice and

just dropped ice in the floor and the look of

Panic that she had on her face Yeah, I knew I

had to change my respect number one and maybe

before Man before I would have responded a lot

differently and Again, my short fuse there, but

I'm like trying it is just ice Like it's it'll

melt into water like it's not going to hurt anything

Just you know get it up and let's move on but

it I knew That somewhere along the line I have

done something as a dad to cause of that reaction

So ooh This this is just hitting me as I'm talking

about this So now that I've started this journey

or whatever into allowing Holy Spirit to do the

transformation needed, and He's worked on me

a lot, there's a lot more to go, but now I look

at it and she has my personality wrong. because

she expects me to respond in a way that's not

me, the real me. And is that not the same thing

that we do to Papa? That we've casted this identity

onto him that we expect him to respond to certain

situations negatively. Well, it's just like when

Trinity gets upset, you know, she has big feelings.

She does. And she feels like she has to take

it out by hitting. Yes. She's a very physical

person. And so I remember, you know, having to

discipline her for hitting her sister. And I

remember sitting her down and I'm like, we can't.

just because, you know, you have big feelings

and you don't know what to do with them. We can't

hit other people. Right. And I was like, when

you feel that way, you know, come find mommy.

We'll talk about it or walk away for a few minutes.

You know, don't don't lash out because you can't

control it. But she would start feeling like

she was a bad kid. And so I always took the time

to reiterate to her. I love you Doesn't change

just because you hit someone and I'm having to

teach you not to hit them Does not take away

my love for you, right? You are still Trinity

you're still love. We just can't hit people.

Yeah, and I think like the look in her eyes is

almost like Okay And so, you know, she's, you

know, she just turned seven. So has she been

hitting as much? No. Does she still get those

moments? Yes. But she's learning to control emotions,

you know. But just the look on her face, I don't

know that I'll ever forget that look because

her thinking she was in trouble meant Taken your

love away Yeah, and You know, I just always like

to reiterate this does not change How I love

you like I love you. That's that's not even You

know a question here. Yeah, but we can't hit

people But that's a that's a big deal Obviously

as a parent you have to discipline But you never

want them to feel like that. And I know that

I probably, through my actions, have given that

message off. Not meaning to, not because I wanted

to. It's just where I was. I guess to me it goes

back to behavior follows identity. And the more

that I'm coming into this space and The more

that I'm coming into this space and realizing

I Can't fix me and that's for anybody listening.

You can't fix you It's impossible. I've tried

it been there wore the t -shirts made the t -shirts

it don't work you cannot fix yourself so the

more i've leaned in lately and just allowed and

and again going back to i'm using you and the

kids as the reference point that there's been

changed because and i've told you this before

and i guess it's just human nature you don't

see the change in yourself as quickly um it typically

takes other people to notice and so for the people

closest to you this is what you know going through

some of the stuff we're going through right now

in life it's funny to me because the people closest

to me have been the ones that know me the best

know me the best and can speak to the part of

where I've changed other people this is my podcast

like I said I want to um other people don't see

that you know because they're not around a lot

of people are quick to throw shade on things

that they don't understand and don't care to

find out about either very true um and that's

that's just the facts of life but don't would

I would encourage any dad or husband listening

to not only can you not do it yourself and lean

into the Holy Spirit but trust the voices of

those who are close to you whether it be a spouse

or a child or whoever knows you the best when

they start saying hey I'm seeing a change because

I'll be honest when you first started saying

that I didn't know how to take it Because I couldn't

see it yet. I didn't feel like anything was different,

right? I think that's why you took a lot of it

negatively. I just felt like I Felt like nothing

has changed and I'm just now starting to get

to the point where I can catch myself Okay, bonding

perfect example is Coming into the house and

it used to be that I would get in a tizzy if

anything's out of order And not put in its place

and now I'm sitting here looking there's Bubba's

blankets and I don't know what else that is over

there on the couch and there's and I'm not in

this anxious mode the keys are not put up where

they're supposed to be on the TV stand and I

know this sounds stupid but if stuff was not

in its rightful place I would have a chaotic

fit and my wife can attest to this she's nodding

at this present moment. But I'm sitting here

now and looking at, okay, I even see Kalen's

headphones sitting there in the TV stand. And

I really, there's nothing in me that's like anxious

about this. Like, I don't want my house nasty,

and I don't think anybody does. But at the same

time, like, I have three kids, and they live

here. Do I want them to learn to pick it back

to themselves like my daughter's tennis shoes

that I'm looking at the floor She needs to learn

to pick those up. Yes But I am not going to come

in here guns blazing because everything's not

put up Now do I still have moments like that?

Probably I guess I do yeah But I don't feel like

it's like all the time now No, and I noticed

that and maybe it was a nudge from the Holy Spirit

the other day When I come home and there was

stuff all over the TV stand and I looked at it

and it's like I just had this little internal

nudge that said, did you catch that? And I'm

like, did I catch what? I know I get attitude

with the Holy Spirit comes in because like she

asked questions and I'm like Catch what? Like

I didn't know I was supposed to be paying attention

to anything And I went back and looked again

and I'm like, holy moly There's stuff on the

TV stand and I'm not like, I'll get some of it

picked up in a minute, but I'm not like, okay.

So I can, I'm just now getting to that point

of being able to catch small things in my journey

that's like, that hasn't fazed me now. Again,

not saying I want a nasty house, but at the same

time, like we live here. And like I know you

kids knows that you could clean up the house

and like ten minutes later And I know you said

this before too You've sent me videos and you

know our thing is sending reels to each other

and you know the whoever can send the most Typically,

that's you unless I get on a good run and then

I can send about 20 back -to -back but They're

only gonna be kids living here so long And then

at some point you're gonna miss it you know in

10 -15 plus years the house can be as clean as

you want it because there's nobody else here

but us. So what you're saying is you really should

take a picture of her shoes underneath the swing

so that way like 10 more years from now you'll

be able to relive it. Huh? I'm sorry, real moment

here, you just confused the crap out of me. Because

when they grow up and leave, she won't be here

to leave her shoes around. So, in order to remember

this moment, take pictures of that so you can

relive it. It's true, and post pictures later

about all that. This is true. I mean, you could

even go back and pull it all out and put it in

the exact spot. I could. I really could. But

that's just... that's part of all this is trusting

the voices around you so I've had to learn how

to trust when you tell me hey I've seen a change

in you right and understanding that you know

number one you're not coming at a place of criticism

you're even when you say hey you know you used

to have responded and you've even you've even

told me before about our relationship not just

with the kids but there were times you've told

me that I would have responded to you differently

on some things and so I've had to take all this

and number one learned that you're not criticizing

me when you say this stuff but number two to

trust that what you see is actually the truth

of who I'm becoming. Even with you telling me

conversations, even Kaylin's told you, it's like,

I'll never forget this, this encounter with Trinity,

whatever day I was off, for whatever reason,

and being downstairs in her bedroom and I sit

in her floor and she says, daddy, why are you

in a good mood? You're never in a good mood.

Like it was like a gut punch and oh moment all

in one Because you realized Number one your kid

has been used to you not being in a good mood

It's a net to me. I guess it goes back to the

same how we portray God that he's in a bad mood

So I've trained my seven -year -old that daddy's

not in a good mood, but yet something has transpired

happened inside of me that the fruit of my life

is teaching her that actually isn't a good move

does that make sense yeah I mean you think about

the testimony that they can testify to that they've

seen God's work in your life and that should

show them just how good God is That he changed

my daddy Yeah, and you know, I've had the same

type of conversation with my dad when we did

the first episode here of You know me and dad

has had those hard conversations And he knows

and I know that he didn't get everything right

but I guess as being a dad now looking back like

I said previously our kids didn't come with the

manual we've gotten stuff wrong I told him in

our episode that I wholeheartedly believe that

he did the best he could with what he knew and

I think it's an important thing to remember as

a man really as a parent in general is not beating

yourself up because you've got stuff wrong. Did

you do the best you could? I have to honestly

say even from my own life and knowing there's

failure, I feel like I still did the best I could

with where I was at. And I know people always

ask, you know, what would you do if you can go

back and change anything, would you? and I don't

know that I would because everything that I've

gone through, been through, the hell that I've

caused, everything else, it has got me to this

point. Well, I think at some point, you know,

cycles break somewhere, but you have to be willing

to break down, you know, the hurt, the pain,

all of the excuses and the crutches. That people

use there's a lot of processing that goes into

this you have to It's a big process because you

have to be willing to put in the work for it.

It's not for the week By any means because it's

work But you know a lot of times you hear a lot

of people say well, this is how my dad did it,

okay That's great doesn't mean it should still

be passed down Okay, well, I didn't have a dad

so you know I don't have anything to go by Okay,

well, that's great, but you have a Heavenly Father

that you can learn about yeah, and Holy Spirit

will teach you better than anybody else And so

you know at some point the excuses for putting

in the work Have to be tore down. Yeah And you

have to really realize that, you know, you can

break that cycle. Well, not you by yourself.

I mean, you, along with, you know, the Holy Spirit

will teach you, but you can break those cycles.

Well, I think it's important, too, because of

everything that you're saying, to reiterate this.

There's I'm working on trying to make an e -course

for men Really I'm just speaking back to My younger

self really and trying to help men who may be

in the same Predicament I've been in position.

I've been in a similar way But one of the course

one of the classes would be you cannot do it

And I think there was a group of people that

can take that. You can't do it. Stop trying to

fix you. And they're like, oh, so there's nothing

for me to do. There was nothing that I could

do to fix me except learn how to and not having

learned completely. I'm still I'm learning every

day how to yield more to the Holy Spirit. Allow

her to lead. the direction of my life that doesn't

mean there's nothing for you to do because just

like you said there's a process that has to be

gone through but it's important for you to know

that you can't do it the only thing i could ever

do and it's the only answer i can tell anybody

else is to learn how to yield Because I tried

to fix me you couldn't I couldn't have wanted

more to be the man that I'm becoming now I Couldn't

have wanted that more badly, but just because

I wanted it It was not me wanting it was not

bringing forth change me trying to do it and

discipline myself to do it Was not bringing the

change it was when I was like, you know what?

I can't do this throwing my heads up and learning

to surrender and by surrendering and allowing

Holy Spirit to do whatever needs to be done and

just leaning into that process. There's been

times it hurt. There's been times it felt overwhelming.

There's been times when You know, maybe during

the process you made them made a mistake or failed

and it just feels like it just hit the ceiling

and all hell broke loose because I'm just going

backwards. I'm just gonna go back to the same

old thing same old same old same old But then

after Calm and down and understanding No, you're

becoming that new creation Maybe you didn't have

the best example. You know, for my life, I grew

up in a split home. But I don't talk, I mean,

I do and I don't talk a lot about it, but you

know, even with churches, I grew up in a non

-denominational church and a Baptist church.

Church of God, I mean, all of the above. I grew

up in it. A lot of split things going on there.

a lot of learning how to keep the peace, a lot

of learning how to keep people happy, a lot of

learning how to, and I think this is why I struggle

with myself today, a lot of learning how to shut

down my emotions, and not realizing that's what

you're doing as a kid, to now when you're 35

and struggle to display your emotions. But all

of this, learning how and I don't know how to

tell people I don't know how the right words

are to do this but just learning simply to yield

to the Lordship of the Holy Spirit and letting

the Holy Spirit do whatever needs to be done

it kind of reminds me of the movie The Shack

when they take Mac to the garden and he has to

pull out I love that part. The poisonous part.

They were all there with him. The Trinity was

there with Mac in the moment, but Mac had to

be the one to pull it out and then get it. And

that's the same thing I feel like he does to

you. And I can only speak to my story. The same

thing I feel like he's had to do through me is

to take me to those spots. and allow me to dig

down and pull that up. And learning that I can't

hold that, I have to let it go. Those are the

deep ones. The very deep ones. The surface level

roots, you know, don't mean a whole lot. Those

are easy to kind of pick up, pluck out, but when

you get to the root of it, the deep one. It reminds

me, you know, I'll just share some personal stuff

because I think this is what helped people and

it's my testimony so but I can remember years

ago that before we got married and hearing the

prophecy that Janet German actually spoke over

still haven't typed up downstairs and she said

something she said there are some things I have

to uproot and tear down well I was used to just

like I have we try to have our kids do pull weeds

I'm used to the kind of weeds that we have around

the house you just pull them up you know sometimes

it may be harder for them depending on what it

is but most of them you get out pretty easily

um but I can remember going with mom to uh Lisa

and Danny's house to get it wasn't monkey grass

I don't think Well some kind of plant I had to

go get and I had to get a shovel and work hard

to get that plant up and while we're doing that

I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me and say now

do you understand and I'm again I'm in that point

of understand what and it brought back the memory

of things I have to uproot. And like the Holy

Spirit began to begin to speak and said you thought

I was talking about these little bitty plants

and this is what I'm talking about of things

that I need to uproot out of your life and tear

down stuff that you have to go deep down in the

soil to get. When you think about it that surface

level Like that plant, the root is so deep that

it destroys a lot of the ground around it. Yeah.

That's good. So it's not always easy and a lot

of times it causes a lot of shaking in your foundation.

But once they get it out, then you can start

filling in that hole with good soil, new you've

got the you know you start filling in that hole

yeah there's some other places I could go but

I want to save that for a later podcast let me

let me add this to this one because it spoke

volumes to me and If you get mad at me for sharing

it so be it but I can remember when you came

back home from Spending the day at your dad And

you told me to never I Don't forget how you put

it maybe you can remind me but never take for

granted what it means to tell my kids That you're

proud of them basically Yeah, because your dad

told you that that day and at 30 five years old

that still speak the volume so i would say to

dads listening to even just a mom listening never

take for granted the power of your words even

to adult children because it still does something

when a parent says i'm proud of you yeah It's

something I'm still trying to learn how to be

better at with our kids is Taking the time to

slow down And just tell them I'm proud of you

For when and I love what I think is Trinity mostly

that does it when I say I'm proud of you for

what? Just because you're my daughter like that

that should be enough like You don't have to

do anything for me to be proud of you. Right.

I'm proud of you because of who you are. Trying

to think how to close this. We've been going

at least 45 minutes. The thing that's important

to remember that kids learn how to handle mistakes

by watching their fathers. I think you alluded

to that earlier about they saw how I was vulnerable

in a moment. And so that teaches them how they

can do that too. Because if that can come to

me to apologize, then I can go to him with my

issues. Yeah. And I think grace at home mirrors

the heart of Papa. Well, they can't show grace

if they never receive it. Yeah. And there's a

couple of verses that just stand out. One, you

know, for though the righteous fall seven times,

they rise again. And I feel like I have been

that one to fall seven times. And I'm not saying

it's been easy to get up every time, but I feel

like I can sit here tonight and say I have gotten

back up every single time. As hard as it may

have been, as long as sometimes it may have took,

I would wipe myself off and get back up. I think

that speaks volume to your kids when they see

their dad get back up. Let me look at some of

my notes and see if there's anything else that

I want to. Let me ask you this question and see

what your answer would be. I'll mention this

one first. In what ways can admitting fault strengthen

your relationship with your kids? I think we

addressed that. I think it goes back to what

you said a while ago. If they never see grace,

then they can't mirror grace. I think that plays

a big part of that. But how can you invite God's

grace into your parenting on a daily basis? I

Guess I would say which I know that we have done

sometimes it's in discipline sometimes I Think

there are times when Maybe a punishment or something

could be a Lot harder, but you dismiss you dismiss

it, you know you show them and you tell them

you know like this is what should happen but

you know i'm showing you grace this time because

you you know maybe they did something that you've

told that they've done before and you've told

them not to do it but yet they've done it again

um and you say you know do you remember when

you did this last time and i told you this is

what would happen maybe they remember what the

punishment was gonna be and they're expecting

it but then you show them grace and say you know

okay I'm gonna give you one more one more time

or something I forget what it was with the story

with what you did with K -1 With exactly where

I was going at because what the more you talk?

Yeah, when we went down to the art that Sunday

It was coming back home. We stopped to get lunch

at Bojangles I mean Donald's was next door. So

we was going to order I think we ordered a milkshake

and an ice cream cone, but Kailin would not share

her tablet believe it was and So we had a conversation

with that And then she finally did, but there

was a lot of attitude preteen involved with it.

And so I said, no, I said, that does not count.

I said, because you had a lot of attitude. I

said, just important of you being obedient is

how you're obedient. Like, just because you did

what I asked, it was the attitude behind how

you did it that was not okay. So. What did I

do as that? I took that as a teaching opportunity.

And I said, we're going to go next door to get

ice cream. Kalen, you're not getting any. And

the whole time, just for everybody out there

saying, that's just horrible. I knew I was getting

her ice cream too. But it was funny even during

that conversation and that whole interaction

that Trinity began to say. I want my sister to

have ice cream too. And that, I did not expect

that. That amazed me. And so once we got Bojangles,

we went to next door to McDonald's, got ice cream,

got it all. Kaylin, of course, crying and was

upset saying that she's sorry. I can't stand

for my kids to say they're sorry because I feel

like that's labeling themselves and giving them

an identity of I'm sorry. That's something I'm

trying to figure out how to teach appropriately,

but we all got our ice cream. I handed everybody

out except for Kaylin's and then I handed her

the ice cream and explained to her this is great.

I said because based on how you treated your

sister and the attitude that you had, you did

nothing to deserve this. But because we love

you, you get it anyhow. And the look in her eyes,

though. Yes. It's like she got it. You know,

it's like, oh, I get what this is now. Yep. And

even she even thanked us for it. Yeah. And the

whole rest of the way home and I'm pretty sure

the rest of that day, she was so good to her

sister. Her attitude was much different. So just

some practical takeaways from this episode. As

a dad, as a parent, learn how to apologize quickly

and show kids humility and action. Be vulnerable

with your kids. Be vulnerable with your spouse.

I think that's how trust is built, is learning

how to Maybe this will hurt if I let you in this

space. But I need to let you in this space. Does

that make sense? Use failure as a teaching tool.

Failure is a part of life. We all fail. What

are you going to do with the failure? Are you

going to let it identify who you are? Are you

going to dust yourself off? Get back up? And

let's keep moving forward. It's what you do after.

It's what you do after. Exactly right. Frame

mistakes as an opportunity for growth. You know,

lean on grace. Remind yourself and your kids

that perfection is not the goal, connection and

growth are. Never, never try to teach your kids

that they have to be perfect. And I feel like

in my previous season that Maybe I portrayed

that they needed to be perfect. I think Kailin

struggles with that more than anything. You know,

the perfection part. One thing that I had heard

before is, you know, we wake up some days and

we're just having a bad day. You know, maybe

our fuse is a little shorter. Maybe we're just

annoyed for some reason. We didn't sleep good,

but we wake up and we expect our kids never to

have one. That's true. That's true. So it's like,

remember when you're parenting, you know, maybe

their attitude and I think I've said this before,

you know, a lot of times we're the ones who label

our kids. Yeah. We put labels on them as the

disrespectful or they are being sarcastic or

they're, you know, back talking. Well, a lot

of time kids, I mean, especially six, seven years

old, they don't know what that is. No. so a lot

of times my oldest or our oldest is very literal

you know so she may ask a question and it comes

off as attitude or being smart yes but she's

she's been innocent yeah and so we put that label

on them sometimes and then we expect them you

know we react because that's how We treat other

people sometimes, but yet kids have to learn

that. We expect them to get up every day and

be in a good mood so that way we don't have to

parent or do our job to teach them because maybe

our fuse is shorter or we're annoyed or something

from where they have met their word quota for

the day i'm sure yes um but you know just have

some grace just grace is like the biggest the

biggest thing with kids is there's just there's

so much put on them at such an early age yeah

that kids are no longer kids That's true. So

again, perfection's not the goal. Connection

and growth are. Stay consistent. That's another

one. Failure is not final unless you quit. You

know, there's times that I have failed, I have

fallen, and the only time that would have become

final was if I had quit and refuse to get back

up again and sit and just wallowed in whatever

my pity or whatever else. So get back up, shake

it off, apologize, be vulnerable, show the humility

part. Your failures don't define you. Learn how

to father through the failure. Colors don't define

you grace does Anything else you want to add

You good Thank you Again, I always enjoy these

conversations. I enjoy having conversations with

these podcasts, but I enjoy talking to you more

than anybody else Just so you know don't let

that go to your head I'm just so happy for you

because you have to live with me, so I would

hope that you would enjoy hearing me talk. I

will close in prayer before it gets really deep

again. I'll pray over the men, the fathers, and

again if you're a mom listen to this or whatever,

you can take stuff that we've talked about and

apply it just as much. But father we thank you.

that your grace does cover our weakness. Teach

us how to father through failure. Teach us how

to show our children your love even in our mistakes.

How to show them your love and your grace, your

mercy, your goodness. And help us to rise again

and point them back to you. Above all else help,

but help them see you in us In Jesus name we

pray Amen