It’s Complicated – Discovering True Love

This podcast is presented to you by Pastor Jason and Liz Burns in Access Church in Lakeland and Bartow, Florida.

For more information, visit Access.tv.

We are in a series called It's Complicated, and how many know relationships are complicated?

There ain't no joy like relationship joy.

And how many know there ain't no pain like relationship pain?

Some of y'all are sitting next to somebody that's caused you great joy and are sometimes a pain to the glory of God.

Someone just elbowed their neighbor right there.

So no matter what season of life you're in, this is a relationship, this is a message for you and your relationships.

If you're single and you're looking, I saw you during worship, the hands were raised, you were looking to see if there's a ring on there, you're in the right place.

The church is a place to find them.

If you're married and you want to strengthen your relationship, there's a message for you.

If you're married and you want to be single, this is definitely a message for you.

We're gonna talk today about the idea of discovering true love.

Discovering true love.

How do we find true love?

The problem with the idea of true love is that we have been discipled in the idea of love, not from the Bible, but from Disney.

Now, I don't know if I have any Disney fans out there.

My wife and I, we have five kids, and we are in like Disney season.

We love Disney, we love Disney movies, we love to go to the parks.

The problem with it is as we're watching the movies, I have to explain to four of them that are girls that, like, hey, just want you to know this isn't how relationships are supposed to work.

This isn't real.

Like Cinderella, she meets the guy for one night.

They have one conversation.

He never asked for her name.

Ladies, that's a problem.

It's a problem right there.

And I tell my daughters, listen, if he's that interested in shoes, you probably shouldn't date him in the first place.

The little mermaid, I mean, she's so young.

She's 16.

She leaves her parents.

I know what's best.

Let me just tell my 16-year-olds in the room, you don't know what's best.

You don't know what's best for your life.

She chases this guy, she gives up her voice.

The entire relationship is built on the fact that you don't need communication.

That's a problem, right there.

And then the whole goal is just to kiss each other.

Some of y'all are like, that's my entire dating strategy.

It doesn't work.

Beauty of the beast, this guy, this has so many issues.

Think about it.

The guy kidnapped her dad.

If it starts with a kidnapping, it's a red flag.

And then she gets put imprisoned in his castle.

Like you would think there's no potential.

But then she sees his library, she likes books.

All of a sudden she's in love.

He's an animal.

Like this should not work out.

There's so many problems with this.

All right.

Aladdin.

Aladdin, the entire relationship is built on deception.

This guy has lied from the very beginning.

Jasmine, I don't understand you.

He's a liar.

He's deceptive.

But oh, he's got a magic carpet.

I'm really not like this work.

There's a problem there, Jasmine.

Tangled.

Rapunzel falls for uh Flynn.

He's a thief that breaks into her tower.

If it starts with breaking and entering, there's an issue.

And let's talk about the Lion King.

The Lion King, a great relationship built at the absolute wrong time.

His dad just died.

The whole tribe has been messed up.

They're both trauma bonding and they feel the love tonight.

It is not a good way to do relationships.

We have learned how to be guided in our relationships by these things called feelings, the butterflies, the excitement.

But what happens when it all ends?

What happens when the music stops?

The animal sidekicks stop helping.

And the happily ever after turns into hard work, crucial conversations, bad breath.

That's real relationships.

Hear me out, Access.

If you feel your way into a relationship, you'll eventually feel your way out of it.

And what you have to understand about feelings is feelings are a great servant, but they are a terrible master.

They are a great bonus to the relationship, but they are not for what you build your relationship on.

What do we build our relationships on?

We build our relationships on love.

Here's what love is love is more than a feeling, it's an action.

I want you to write it down.

Love, it's more than a feeling, it's an action.

It's a decision to say, I am going to do the right things, even if the feelings are not there.

Because we've all had those moments where the feelings have left, and we've had to make a decisive action that I am in this relationship, and the relationship is going to thrive because I choose to love, and love is not an emotion, it's an action.

And it's an action.

The word for love in our passage today in 1 Corinthians is this word agape.

Agape means this, it means selfless, unconditional, sacrificial.

It's a sacrificial love that seeks the good of the other, regardless of their worthiness or response.

This is a deliberate decision that's rooted in the character of God.

That despite what they do, I'm gonna choose to love in action.

Which, by the way, aren't we grateful that this is how God has chosen to love us with agape love?

That while we were yet sinners, we could not do anything for God.

You have to understand God is fully self-sufficient, He needs nothing, He does not need you and me, but aren't you grateful that He wants us?

And He wants us so much that He sent His only Son to die on the cross for your sins and for mine.

Why?

Because He has an agape, an unconditional love for us.

Is there anybody grateful for the love of God?

Is there anybody grateful for how?

He shows that love for us through his son on the cross.

And it's this type of love that Paul writes to the church and says, This is what you're called to show each other.

And and I I think of it as like show and tell.

Do you remember show and tell growing up?

Where you come to school and like everybody would have the little thing, and like, hey, hey, I got my gerbil at home.

And look at my gerbil, look at my G.I.

Joe, look at my little Legos.

We we'd show it off.

I think the church has done a good job at telling the world what's right.

It's now time for us to show them what's right.

Love is not just saying it, it's about doing it.

And if you want to build strong relationships, we gotta build relationships on biblical agape love.

So let's look at it in our passage, 1 Corinthians chapter 13, the famous love passage, and Paul says it this way If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I'm only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

1 Corinthians 13 · chapter mention

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if I have the faith that can move mountains but do not have love, I am what?

Come on, say it out loud.

I am what?

Nothing.

What a major perspective shift Paul has.

From chapter 12, it's all about the spiritual gifts, which we love the spiritual gifts here at the church.

Tongues and healing and prophecy, faith.

We need the spiritual gifts in our life.

But he's saying, hey, if you have all these spiritual gifts, but you don't have love, it it nullifies, it's void.

How many know?

If you can you can have people that they exercise the gifts of the spirit, but they don't have that fruit of the spirit in their life, it doesn't work.

And Paul's saying the most important thing we have as a church is to love, it's to agape one another.

And then he shows us what this looks like, and let's see it in the passage.

He says, so love is patient, kind, does not envy, it does not boast, it's not proud, it does not dishonor others, it's not self-seeking, it's not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And all God's people said amen.

So let's break this down four points today, because I know we got to baptize a bunch of people in the services across the Lakeland area.

So let me give it to you in an acronym today, L-O-V-E.

What is biblical love?

Number one, you can write it down as the L is that love lifts.

It lifts.

When you read 1 Corinthians 13, you see words like it's patient, kind, hopeful.

You know what it is?

It's this idea that we are called to lift one another up.

That we're called to celebrate one another.

I have found that there are people in one of two categories.

Maybe you understand this.

That they are the lifters and there are the drainers.

You know those kind of people in your life that you see them in publics, and as soon as you see them, you go, oh no, here they come.

I'm in a great mood and it's about to all change right now.

Because what do they do?

Some people have this gift to just drain the life out of you.

I have realized in my life that if I'm gonna be in one of these categories, I want to be a lifter.

That when I get around people, that people go, Oh, I feel better about myself because I'm around them.

Let me tell you something about your pastor.

Your pastor, Jason Burns, is one of the greatest lifters of each other.

I'll tell you, when I'm in a bad mood, uh I'll text Jason because Jason's gonna make me feel better about myself.

After Easter, he texted me at face, hey, brag.

I want to hear what's happening in the church.

Didn't that didn't want to say it, celebrate anything about access, whatever about himself.

He wanted to celebrate me, and then I sent him some stuff about what happened.

He said, You're leading a movement.

I said, I am.

I'm so much better.

You need those people in your life.

I I want to surround myself with people like that.

I I I my wife is that person.

Uh I'll tell you, I get off the stage after preaching now, and I'll go stand next to her intentionally.

Because you understand, like, when I get off the stage, I'm always playing in my mind.

Did I do it right?

Did I deliver it the way God wanted me to deliver it?

And then I'll stand next to her, I'll be like, uh, what'd you think?

She's like, it's the best message ever.

I'm like, I don't even think she was paying attention.

But boy, does she make me feel good about myself.

It's it's something about the idea of encouraging one another.

That's what Paul says.

This is what love is it encourages, it's hopeful, it's thinking the best about them.

That's why he writes in 1 Thessalonians, therefore, encourage one another.

And here's what we do: and build each other up.

I want to be a builder of the people around me.

I want to be the people that celebrates them so that they can walk into the call of God for their life.

Hear me out.

The world and our own mind does a good enough job at draining the life out of us.

Everybody's like, well, I just gotta keep them humble.

We're we're okay.

We we have enough mind games in our mind.

How about we be the body of Christ that if we think something good, we celebrate them.

We celebrate the people.

We we're celebrating who God is called them to be.

We're celebrating the gift of the God inside of them.

We're gonna encourage, we're gonna get to the potential that God has for our life because we got a bunch of people around us lifting us up, because this is what we're called to do.

But you go, but they're not getting it.

They're tough, they haven't changed.

I get it, I get it, but isn't that interesting why Paul starts the love chapter with love is patient.

Because how many know we all need a little bit more patience in lifting each other up?

I have learned had learned patience in my life.

Uh, when I got married, uh, when Katie and I first got married, we've been married almost 16 years now.

And when we got married, I was a very impatient person.

We get ready at different times.

So, like different paces.

So if we have an event, I can get ready in like two minutes.

But my wife takes just a little bit longer.

So I thought it was my job to, you know, help move that along quicker.

So let me just help all the young men out there to just tell you what not to do.

So, what I would do in the early days of marriage is she would be getting married ready, and I would stand right next to the vanity with my arms crossed, like, I'll watch.

This will speed up the process.

How many know it does not speed up the process?

So I got a little bit more spiritually mature and I moved from the vanity to just the door of the bathroom.

I'll wait here.

I'm ready to go whenever you're ready.

You're okay, you're take your time.

I'll just wait right here.

And then I the Lord dealt with me on that.

No, be patient with your wife.

So then I got more spiritually mature, and I got to the car and I just honk my horn.

How many know?

Every honk does not help the relationship get better.

Now I sit on the couch and I crucify my flesh, just sitting there.

I ain't saying a thing to the glory of God.

You gotta learn because my job is not to fix that person, my job is to lift them up, to be patient with them, so that I can help them become who God's called them to be.

So I put together some relationship questions for you.

I think they'll help you.

There's four of them that go, one with each of the letters.

And Katie and I use these for date nights because we want to have, we want to exercise love for one another.

The first one is how can I best support you in this season?

And every season's a little bit different.

So the way I lift her up in different seasons is unique, and the way she lifts me up in different seasons is unique.

But true love is the action of what do you need in this season?

You need a little bit of time, you need you need a good date night, you need a gift.

What do you need?

I'm here to lift the other person up because love is not a feeling of the relationship, it's the action to make the relationship work.

Y'all with me today, Access Church.

So we're gonna lift one another up.

Here's your second one it's that we are gonna be others focused.

We're gonna be others focused.

Look at our passage.

It says it's not, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it's not self-seeking, it's not me focused.

Some of y'all don't understand that the reason that your relationship is so broken is because you got it centered around meville, and me is the mayor, and it's all me, me, me, me, me.

Me doesn't fix the marriage, it does not help the relationship grow.

This is where we've got it so wrong in our world today.

So I'm gonna say something with all love to help you all.

Because I I I I I'm your crazy uncle from Tampa that can just swoop in and just say it because I I just want you to know, and if you don't like it and you don't feel it, come back next Sunday.

Pastor Jason's a better preacher anyway.

So hear me out.

The self-care, self-focused culture that's out there today is so overboard.

It is so extreme.

Treat yourself, put yourself first, it's all you first, and we wonder why the divorce rate is skyrocketing and loneliness is bigger than it's ever been before, and people are more depressed than they've ever been before.

Because the world and TikTok is training you to treat yourself first, make it about you first, and that is so opposite and contrary to the Bible.

Bible, it's not me first, it's not take care of yourself first.

Bible is lay down your life first, crucify yourself, take up your cross and follow Jesus.

This is so different than what the world is teaching today, and we wonder why our relationships are so messed up because when people stop doing it for you and helping you and making you a success, you stop being around them and go, Well, I'm gonna find somebody else because it's not doing it for me anymore.

And we become consumers of even the relationships in our life instead of contributors the way Jesus was.

It's like this piggy bank.

This piggy bank is so much of our lives where we have this whole world of like, hey, deposit in me.

So I go everywhere that I can deposit, I go everywhere that someone can put some life into me, something into me.

I like that group of friends, they do it for me.

I like that church, it helps me.

I like that community, that helps me.

And then when it stops helping you, you go, I'm taking my piggy bank somewhere else.

And that's how you've lived your life.

You keep uprooting yourself time and time again, because why?

Because they stopped doing it for me instead of realizing, wait, I got this wrong.

Christianity is not who can deposit into me?

Christianity is that's the best visualization of Christianity right there.

It's lay down your life, empty yourself.

And you go, but if I empty myself, how who's gonna take care of me?

Aren't you grateful that we have a good shepherd that'll take care of all of our needs, that'll supply all of our needs according to his riches and his glory, and as we die to ourselves, then we can actually live the call of God on our lives.

And a successful marriage is just two people who continually die to themselves every day to say, I'm gonna serve the needs of the other person, and watch how you'll walk into the call of God for your life.

This is why Paul writes and he says, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking after your own interest.

This is a tough passage for us because we want to look after our own interest.

We want to take care of ourselves.

And and he'd say, No, but look after the interest of who?

Come on, help me, church, of who?

Others and your relationships with one another have the same mindset of Christ Jesus.

And what was the mindset of Christ Jesus?

That he who should be served came and offered his life as a service for many.

That is biblical marriage, by the way.

That example, as Christ serves the church, so we are called to serve one another.

And as we serve one another, the relationship gets strong.

And as you serve the kids and you come home from work and they want to play a board game and you don't want to play, others first.

And watch how that'll be the very thing that builds the relationship.

Because hear me out, hear me out.

Because nothing will suffocate the life out of your relationship more than selfishness.

Selfishness is a cancer that kills relationships.

And what selfishness does is it drains the life from the relationship while service and laying down our lives for one another brings strength in it so that it can grow to its full potential.

So the way you build a healthy relationship is not by trying to get them to serve you, but by you serving them and watch how God will bless you.

This is the life of agape love saying, I am going to act even if I don't feel it, and if I do the right things, God will honor it.

Can I hear a good amen today, church?

Here's your third one.

Oh, wait, we've got to get our question.

Our question is this one.

Here's your question is simply how can I serve you better?

This is a good question for the seasons.

It's how can I support you and what can I do to serve you?

Maybe it's just listening, maybe it's having a conversation, maybe it's going on a vacation.

Figure out a way to serve one another.

Number three, love values.

We value, we see the good in the other person.

So many of our relationships fail because we think we are called to be the Holy Spirit in their lives.

I thought this was about Katie.

For the first few years of my marriage, I was pretty sure that God put me in the marriage for me to fix her.

That did not work very well.

And what I realize is I'm not called to be the Holy Spirit in their life.

I'm called to value who God's called them to be.

I'm called to celebrate them.

Look what our passage says.

Let's pick up in verse 6.

He says, Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.

You know what that shows us?

Everybody's got issues.

But true love, the action of love, is going, I'm not gonna delight in what they failed at.

I'm gonna rejoice at what's true, what's good in their life.

And look what he says.

He says, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You know what this is?

These are words of value.

These are these are words that celebrate who they are.

Hear me out, all across all of our campuses.

Listen, relationships fail when we start fixating on their flaws.

We are focused on everything they're doing wrong instead of who they are that is right.

This is the principle of honor to say we are gonna celebrate who God has made people to be instead of always fixating and nitpicking at who.

They are not.

It's destroying your relationships.

So learn to value each other.

That's why he says, we rejoice in the truth.

It's to value someone.

To value someone means that you focus on their importance without tripping over their issues.

So you ever met with a couple and you're like, you know, what do you love about them?

I don't love anything right now.

Well, tell me something good about them.

There are nothing good about them.

I'm like, there's a problem there.

It's so opposite of premarital.

You know, when you're like before you get married, I'll meet with these couples and I'm like, hey, what do y'all fight about?

Nothing.

Well, what what what's what's an issue that y'all have?

There's no issues.

I'm like, get ready.

Come back in six months.

I can't wait.

What are they doing?

They're all honor.

They're all they don't see any of the flaws.

Okay, there's rose-colored glasses, all right?

That's one extreme.

But then you get people that the longer they get married, all they stop doing, they stop seeing the good, and all they see is the issues.

Let me just say this with all love, as I was praying for you, I really felt that there was a couple that you're in such a dark spot, you cannot even remember why you fell in love in the first place.

And the word from the Lord for you today is you need to start going digging again for what is the goal that's inside of that person.

What is the good?

You have constantly brought up the issue after issue after issue, and you need a season to where you're gonna value who they are instead of tripping over who they're not, because a healthy relationship is built on love that honors them with action, even though there is issues that need to be addressed.

So here's the question that needs to be brought up as you're in this date night is how do I make you feel honored?

What is it that I can do to honor the gift of God on the inside of you?

What is it that that thing that I can do to help you walk into the calling and the potential for your life?

Because it is honor, it is the principle of honor that celebrates them, even though there needs to be things that are talked about, there needs to be crucial conversation, but you gotta understand honor really matters.

And by the way, can I just say this?

For all let me give you a little challenge.

Here's my challenge for all the single men in the church.

You gotta kill this idea of searching for perfection.

It's bizarre.

I meet these men all the time.

They're like, I'm like, hey, have you found somebody in the church?

Oh, I can't find anybody.

I'm like, there's so many single, amazing women in the church.

Well, this one had a toenail that was a little too long.

True story, a guy the other day, I said, there are so many godly girls in church.

He goes, Well, I went to this one girl's house versus a small group, and I went to the the guest bathroom, and she had this towel that was dirty, that was on the counter, and I thought, oh this girl's not organized.

I was like, dude, you're gonna be single the rest of your life.

You you don't understand this, you have this unrealistic expectation of perfection.

And by the way, it's the cause of social media in our life.

It's we have this unrealistic and it's keeping people single longer than ever before.

You are gonna marry someone that's gonna have a lot of issues.

And if you don't think that, and you think, no, I'm gonna marry someone perfect, then they are gonna marry someone with even way more issues.

So, what you have to do is don't look for the fact that I'm looking for someone without issues, look for the fact that I can go into a relationship with such honor that I can celebrate who they are without tripping over who they're not, because they're a child of God, they're a gift from God, and we've all got issues, and we're all imperfect, and God can work through all of us.

Come on, somebody.

That's free, not even in my notes, but that'll help somebody.

The last one is this here's what love does is love endures, it endures.

That's why the passage tells us that love never fails, it never fails.

You know what that means?

That through trying times and difficult times, love just doesn't fail.

We're gonna get through this.

Somebody needs to hear this word from the Lord today.

You can get through this tough season, you can get through this tough, difficult moment.

Your marriage can survive this.

Now, let me just be very clear to make sure I give the caveat.

There are biblical reasons to separate.

There are biblical reasons, abuse and adultery, where God gives you an out because he would never want to keep you in that situation, especially when it comes to abuse, where you're in a difficult situation and go, well, I just have to endure.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

There is a place where you protect yourself and protect your children.

But outside of those caveats, here's my challenge for you.

Don't let the marriage fail because you didn't do your part.

You can't control the other person, but you can be responsible for your part that you are gonna go first.

You're gonna reach out first, you're gonna forgive first, you're gonna serve first, and if they don't respond, you're gonna keep doing what God has called you to do because that's true love.

Love is an agape love, even when they don't deserve it and they don't earn it and they don't respond the way you want them to respond.

You're gonna do your part, and the marriage is not gonna fail on your watch.

And what I believe is that as you do your part, God will deal with their heart and they'll eventually do their part, and then the relationship will get healthy and whole because it's two people who are laying down their life and laying down their desires to serve the other person as Christ has laid down his life for us.

That's the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Your relationship can survive this painful season if you'll make a decision to endure.

Here's your last question.

Your last question is simply this Is there anything that I have done that has hurt you?

And how can I fix it?

Because every relationship is truly just made up of two great forgivers who will repent and say, I've messed up and I need to ask for forgiveness.

And this is a cornerstone of love that I'm gonna endure by owning my part so that I can make this thing healthy.

Let me just say this as we close.

My wife and I, who we've had some great years, but about three years ago, we went through a little rough patch, and every relationship does.

For us, it was one area of our relationship that we could not find a solution in.

And you all know what it's like, where it's like we won't fight except for that one area, and we'll throw it down.

So we got to an impasse, and I made a decision.

We made a decision as a couple.

We're like, we are going to figure out a solution for this.

So we could not figure it out ourselves.

Try to get counsel, we try to get outside influence, and nope, we couldn't figure it out.

So we went to counseling, and I was all excited about counseling because I was paying the guy, so I thought he's gonna tell her everything I want her to know.

And uh we sat there for six sessions and he taught us what true love is that endures, and we repented to each other, and we talked about our needs and what we needed to do to lay down our desires and needs to find resolve and compromise in this area, and it helped, it drastically transformed our relationship.

Why do I say this?

I say this because some of y'all need to know that one of the ways that you're gonna endure this thing is that you get some professional help.

You go away and tried before, try again, try again.

What we've done date night before, try again.

What we we went on a vacation before, it didn't help.

Try again, keep persevering.

Do not give up on the call of God for that marriage.

It's bigger than you, it's about the generations to come.

And if you'll endure this thing, I'm telling you, God will bless it as you do your part to say, I'm gonna sacrificially love this person with action, the way that God has called us to love them.

Let's close our eyes all over every campus.

Just take your spouse's hand if you're sitting there next to them.

And if you're single in this moment, maybe you've been through a painful divorce, even in this moment, just receive healing from God, direction from God, maybe even a commitment to saying, God, help me love biblically in every area of my life with my children, with my friends.

Lord, that we would love with action.

But God, I pray for the marriages of the church.

Just as you're sitting there next to your spouse, as you grab their hand, just take a second right there in the room, and as you make a decision to say, We're enduring this thing, we are not giving up.

Just squeeze their hand right there.

Just as a moment of faith.

That one moment is a moment of healing for some couples in this room.

We're in this thing for life.

We're gonna work through this.

Lord, I pray a blessing over the couples of this church, strong relationships for the glory of God.

And we thank you that as we love biblically, Lord, that we will see the fruit that only you can bring in our life in Jesus' name.

With every eye closed, if every head bowed, if you're here today and you don't have a relationship with Christ, this is where we receive the love of Christ, the forgiveness of sins because of what he did on the cross.

I'm gonna give you an opportunity to respond.

If that's you on the count of three, just throw a hand up, wave it at me and say, Aaron, today's my day.

I'm not right with God, but I want to be.

This is your moment of salvation.

One, two, don't be ashamed.

This is your moment to go all in.

Three, come on.

If that's you, throw that hand up.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you at all of our campuses.

Thank you at North Lakeland and Parto.

You put it right back down.

So proud of you.

Let's all pray this prayer out loud together with those who just made that decision.

Say it like this say dear Jesus, today I give you my life.

Forgive my sins.

Thank you for dying on the cross.

For me, I surrender to you.

Be my Lord and be my savior.

I will follow you all the rest of my life.

In Jesus' name we pray.

And all God's people said, Come on, let's celebrate this.

We just made the best decision ever.