Episode 45: On The Curfew (Again...)

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He's normally here by now.

Ah good, there you are.

Good morning, Mr Gomberts.

Ooh Mrs Jackson, I'm terribly sorry.

I don't suppose you've seen Mr Gomberts, have you?

Oh what you haven't seen him since your windsurfing glass.

Well not to worry, Mrs.

Jackson, thank you.

I I'm sure he'll be here soon.

That is very kind of you to ask, Mrs.

Jackson.

Yes, I'm extremely well, thank you.

I I would say I'm fair to middling at the moment.

And what have I been up to this week?

Well, Mrs.

Jackson, on Thursday afternoon I went down to the parish green.

I sat on the parish bench to start Bales and Fails, where members of the parish, parishioners you would say, came to me and sat and showed me their bales and told me about their cricketing fails.

I don't think it'll surprise you, Mrs.

Bartholomew.

Sexy Rex was the first.

He's got lovely bales, lovely, lovely bales, heavy bales that Sexy Rex has.

And his cricketing fail was when he told me that he decided to let a ball go.

And not only did it take out his middle stump, it knocked out his leg stump.

And his off stump as well.

I know you forget an awful lot, but you you also came to sit with me if you remember.

No you don't remember.

Well you you came to sit with me and we were there for about half an hour forty five minutes.

Yes, and you showed me your bales.

Yes, you did.

They're excellent.

They're excellent.

And yes, you told me about your cricketing fail.

Well, all I would say to you is that um bails and fails.

Bales and fails this week was an absolute triumph.

Ah, hello, Mrs.

Watts.

No, no, no, no, I am very glad to see you.

It's just I thought you might be Mr Gomberts, as he's yet to arrive for the service.

Well that's that's very kind of you, Mrs.

Watts, and I'm sure you do an excellent job taking the reading, but I'm sure Mr Gomberts will turn up soon.

Yes, yes, I look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Mrs.

Watts, and your willingness to help out.

I really do.

But but if it's okay with you, we will use you as the very last resort.

Now now Mrs Watts, if you could go and take your seat, we'll be um asking people to come to the front to answer this week's cricketing question during the service.

So if you do choose a seat at the front somewhere near Mrs.

Bartholomew, that would really speed the whole process up.

Ah, that's a very good question.

The prize this week is a pair of Newbury batting gloves.

Well, yes, I I suppose you could do the gardening in them.

Anyway, uh yes, thank you.

Please go and take your seat now, Mrs.

Watts, thank you.

Very good morning to you, Trevor.

Yes, I'm extremely well, thank you, and how are you?

Oh, Trevor, I I say that is quite a bruise you've got there.

Uh but yes, Trevor, could you please pull your trousers back up?

It's very kind of you to show me, but please pull your trousers up.

Trevor, have have you seen Mr.

Gomberts this morning?

Not since the game yesterday against the hairdressers.

I see.

No, it didn't go very well, did it, Trevor?

You're right, your bruise would tell everybody, including me, what they need to know about the game yesterday, but you've done it again, Trevor.

You've pulled your trousers down.

Please pull your trousers back up.

I know it's an impressive bruise, Trevor, but nobody really wants to see it.

Trousers back up, please, Trevor.

Thank you, and if you could keep them up during the service, that would be much appreciated.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Churchy, I'm here, I'm here, don't worry.

Don't worry, Churchy.

Don't worry, I made it.

I made it, I'm here, I'm here.

Where have you been?

Uh uh yeah, yeah, I supp I suppose that's that's a fair question.

Well, we were five minutes away from Mrs.

Watts doing the reading.

Oh dear Mother Cricket.

That must have been quite a stress off for everyone.

Uh w well, I I popped out for my usual Sunday morning run, and I tried to take a slightly different route, but I got a little bit lost and ended up in parts of the Paris that I've never seen before.

Then I saw a slightly unusual sight of Rex taking his bat Excalibur for a walk, and then we had a bit of a chat, and uh he said that Excalibur was was was getting on very well, although he was yet to find the middle, and he was slightly concerned that Excalibur might not have a middle.

Um but I assured him that Excalibur definitely did have a middle, and that I'm sure he would soon find it, uh if not at the very least, albeit by accident.

Um and he he seemed he seemed to think that that was okay.

Um and then he suddenly said that he had to attend some urgent business and asked whether I'd look after Excalibur, um after which I must say uh I discovered Excalibur definitely did have a medal, a lovely medal as well, a lovely medal, really pings off the middle.

And uh then after that I still had to get to get back home and get changed.

Um but anyway.

Sorry, a bit all over the place, uh but but I did make it back on time.

So you are still prepared for your reading and your hymn?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well I must say I'm quite disappointed, Genji.

Uh that my messaging about the curfew clearly went in one ear and out the other last week, so um I'm gonna try and do it again.

Excellent.

Very wise.

My seven is good to go.

Excellent.

Let's get ready to start the Sunday service.

I appreciate each and every one of you for turning up this morning, giving that I can only imagine there are quite a lot of sore heads in the congregation having had not a lot of sleep.

Well, outside of our own very exciting fundraising match yesterday, it's been another very exciting week of cricket.

Test match and county championship cricket continues, and for the first time this season, up and down the whole country, the ground staff did their shuttle runs to and from the middle as they were taking covers off and then putting them back on.

Given how dry our summer has been, some of the ground staff are a bit out of practice, and such was their confusion at times, some ground staff were bringing covers back on at the very same time as others were taking them off.

Either way, in many ways the return of the rain has been oddly reassuring, and very good for the gardens and the farmers.

Unfortunately, once again, pre-match build-up for the test was overshadowed by activities off the field.

Mr.

Gomberts told me that he's a little disappointed that his messaging about the curfews didn't get through, and having seen the behaviour of some Test cricketers, some unnamed members of our parish took to the clubs of the night after our very successful fundraiser yesterday.

You know who you are.

But the most heartwarming story of the week comes out of Blackheathshire after they reached the final of the Sunday Village Cup with the match being played at Lord's on September the 6th.

The only issue is that the team's captain is getting married the night before in North Waleshire, and he doesn't fancy making the long drive down at 5 a.m.

after his wedding night.

Therefore, his teammates set up a crowdfunding page and the village cricket world has come together to raise thousands of pounds, and now the captain will be arriving at Lords in a private helicopter.

That's if they can actually reach an agreement with Lords which will allow them to land it.

It does seem like an awful lot of effort to possibly get a first ball dug.

With this rousing tale of what can happen when community clubs come together, and indeed with our own showing in our game yesterday, this seems like a good time to mention that at the end of the service a collection plate as always will be going around, donations will go towards the purchase of the parish burbath and are greatly appreciated.

Anyway, I thought you were all in great voice last week, so let's hope for more of that today.

Although, given the state of some of you, I fear that hope may be misplaced.

Now, your copy of the good book, your hymn book, and the order of service are all in the pocket of the pew in front of you as always.

And you can find a digital order of service and hymn sheet posted on our Twitter account at Sunday Service22 if you're listening to this recording.

Now, would you all please stand as we sing our first hymn, Amazing Grace.

In fact, it is lovely to see some of the hairdressers with us this morning, and thank you to Ted for finding them a place to sleep at three o'clock this very morning.

I believe, Ted, you utilised your gazebo and hairdressers.

I hope you had a good night's sleep.

Well, I really only have one thing to say this morning, and that is a thank you.

Thank you to all of you for making yesterday such a wonderful occasion.

For me it showed the parish at its very best, and I think we raised lots of money towards the purchase of the parish bur bath.

Mr Askew, the parish accountant, is doing the adding up, and I can see you smiling there, Mr.

Raskew, in the second row, so I take that as a very good sign.

The ladies of the Women's Institute the beach at Long Off was a triumph.

Personally, I thought the eight foot cardboard cutout of David Hasselfall was a master stroke, and Mrs.

Watts, I think people were surprised at the start of the day when you arrived as Pamela Anderson.

Brave was one word that was used, and the wearing of your long johns was both sensible and interesting in the heat.

But the sandcastle competition went down an absolute storm, and I was particularly taken with Mr and Mrs.

Griffith's magnificent Lord's Pavilion, which won first prize, but was then sadly demolished by a particularly heavy pigeon that landed on the pavilion roof.

Ted, your burgers and sausages were beautiful throughout the day.

It was a bit of a shame there were no buns, rolls, condiments, or cutlery, but both the burgers and the sausages tasted magnificent and were cooked to a tea.

And thank you for making everyone so welcome throughout the day and the night and this morning in the Badgers Googly.

Mr Archibald's guess the size of his marrow to the nearest inch proved devilishly difficult, and who would have guessed Mr Archibald it was eleven and a half inches, which is a fine size and one you should be rightly proud of.

Our sponsors, what a load of cobblers, were delighted with the day and mended a number of shoes.

In fact they said they'd never seen a queue quite like the one formed by the Women's Institute to get their Sunday best looking back to their very best, which I can assure you, having seen all your feet this morning, all look back to their very best.

The Bouncy Heaver castle was a complete and utter triumph.

Thank you again to the suppliers of Mr Wells' electric pump, which caused his original Bouncy Castle to explode.

They stepped in with a replacement.

Reg and Rex.

Please do not worry.

I will explain to them that you got over excited and decided to have a bounce in the T interval wearing your Newbery 360s with the spikes in.

It did deflate surprisingly quickly, didn't it?

Special thanks to Mrs.

Bartholomew, of course.

Mrs.

Bartholomew, your wide array of sandwiches were simply brilliant.

In fact, none of us have ever seen so many sandwiches, and there are plenty left, and some are actually at the back of the church.

And some are in the Badgers Googly, and there are ten box loads at Boycott Vicarage.

In fact, the village hall will be open this afternoon with two thousand of Mrs.

Bartholomew's sandwiches, which will be available for all of you to take home.

Thank you to Mr Gomberts for his magnificent work on the microphone making announcements throughout the day.

And Reg, you are very naughty asking Mr Gomberts to announce Could Iva Biggin please come to the Bouncy Castle?

Iva Biggin to the Bouncy Castle, please Naughty Boy.

Naughty naughty boy, Reg.

Now, I suppose we should mention the game.

Even though it did not go particularly well, we are still also proud of the Parish Eleven.

To be bowled out for six was quite an achievement, especially at that six was in one scoring shot.

It was not the best chase of the hairdressers 320 for two, and I don't think I can honestly say cricket was the winner.

But the spirit of the game was played in a wonderful, wonderful manner.

In fact, I think it might have been Ted's homemade spirit he served in the tea break that caused the chase to be so disappointing.

But to the hairdressers, very well played, congratulations on your victory, and thank you for my haircut.

I think the perman highlights may take me a while to get used to, but thank you for all your efforts.

As I said, I am very proud of the way the parish came together, and it has been decided to make it an annual event against the hairdressers.

As the good book always says cricket brings us all together, and we should cherish our beautiful game and be in bed by midnight.

Thank goodness there was no curfew yesterday.

Now briefly, I also spent this week at Chelmsfordshire watching Surreyshire in Essex Shire.

The first division of the County Championship is hotting up, and of course, England and Pakistan are locked together at Lord's.

In fact, I hear Joe Root is considering buying a lock to keep the players in the hotel of an evening.

After all your efforts this week, I would like to finish with the words of a motivational guru whose name I have completely forgotten.

This guru said, Success is made of 1% luck and 99% sweat.

Well, you have all sweated an awful lot this week, especially after Mrs.

Bartholomew's pelched and chili sandwiches.

Thank you once again, and remember, one team, one birdbath, one parish.

Now, today we ask a very simple question.

Has the MCC got something to apologize for?

Because the telegraph's Nick Holt and my Catherton have suggested that perhaps the time has come for the MCC to put a portrait of Harold Larwood in the long room at Lord's.

And you know what?

I think they're absolutely right.

Now Harold Larwood was not exactly your traditional English gentleman.

He was a Nottinghamshire miner's son who bowled very, very quickly.

And in Australia, in 1932-33, Douglas Jardine, the England captain, essentially said, Harold, see that Don Bradman, the one who's been making all the runs.

I'd like him to have a slightly less enjoyable winter.

And Larwood did as he was asked.

He bowled very quickly, and England won the ashes 4-1.

Larwood took 33 wickets.

He bowled his heart out, even when he eventually got injured.

You might think that might earn him a nice letter from the MCC.

Maybe a box of chocolates.

Maybe even a portrait.

Instead, once Australia objected to bodyline, the MCC folded and decided that someone had to take the blame.

And somehow, that someone was professional cricketer Harold Larwood.

Not the gentleman.

Which is extraordinary when you think about it.

He was the bowler.

Jardine was the captain.

Larwood was simply doing what his captain had asked him to do.

But Larwood very rightly refused to apologize.

Why should he?

And after the tour he never played Test cricket for England again.

And the irony is that Larwood eventually moved to Australia, the very country where his name had become synonymous with Bodyline.

But there, rather than being treated as a villain, he was warmly welcomed.

He settled there and became part of the Australian community and was admired for what he had achieved.

He made friends with many of his former opponents, although his relationship with Bradman always remained frosty.

But he never really got over the way the MCC had treated him.

They have tried to force him to sign an apology.

The Australians remembered Larwood as a great cricketer, and he eventually became one of their own.

The MCC treated him as if he was a problem.

Now you can have a perfectly reasonable argument about bodyline.

Was it within the laws?

Yes.

Was it within the spirit of cricket?

Well Was Jardine tactically brilliant?

Absolutely.

But Larwood's treatment was another matter.

And here's the striking thing.

There's a portrait of Jardine at Lords.

There are portraits of many of England's great players.

There's even a portrait of Bradman.

But not Harold Larwood.

He was the MCC scapegoat.

They threw him under the bus and prematurely ended his test career.

They've treated him shamefully.

So it's high time that they put that right.

And I don't mean a little photograph tucked away somewhere behind the urn.

I mean a pro portrait in the long room.

Larwood in full flight, ball in hand, looking like he's about to send the stumps cartwheeling.

And underneath, perhaps, Harold Larwood, England.

And then maybe in slightly smaller letters, we're very, very sorry.

So MCC, here's your opportunity.

We don't need to rewrite history.

We don't even need to decide whether body line was right or wrong.

Just acknowledge that Harold Larwood did his job brilliantly, paid a very heavy price, and deserved rather better from you back in 1933.

Put him on the wall.

Surely ninety-three years is enough time to write that wrong.

Now Mr Gombers will read a passage from the good book.

Now this week's reading is once again on the curfew, and it's actually the same reading as we had last week, and that's mainly because without naming any names and without accidentally catching anybody's eye in the congregation, apparently the messaging didn't get through to everyone last week.

So I'm going to try again this week and and hope that it's not in vain.

So even though there are many sore heads and not a lot of sleep around the room, I I do encourage everybody to to listen carefully to the words from the good book.

So today's reading is on the curfew, and it comes from the book of Mother Cricket, first innings thirty three for one.

Cricket is a game of many strange laws, and therefore laws outside of the game ought to be few.

Thou shalt not be burdened with commandments concerning what thou may eat and drink, how much thou may train, nor at what hour thou layest thy head upon thy pillow.

Such laws are unnecessary, for cricket is a game that demands respect, and those who refuse to give it will be punished not by external figures, but by Mother Cricket herself.

For the player who eateth and drinketh without care for their health will have catches dropped off their bowling.

The player who traineth not shall be run out at the non strikers end, having wandered but a little from their crease.

And the player who remains awake deep into the night shall be given out LBW for one that was so obviously going down the leg side that the bowling team barely even appealed.

And so, of all cricketing lessons, this one is as important as any other.

Mother Cricket demands respect not only on the field, but in equal amounts off the field as well.

Here endeth the reading.

Will you now join me as we bow our heads in prayer?

Dearest Mother Crickets, I hope that you keep the rain away this afternoon, so that cricket all around the country can be enjoyed before we spend our Sunday afternoons freezing on touchlines.

If the rain does persist, I hope games of indoor cricket and pool provide as much joy.

In swingers and googly's.

How's that?

And I'll invite you to take out your hymn books or have a look at the song sheet on our Twitter if you're on the recording.

Uh and you still want to follow along, as we sing our next hymn.

And it's again the same hymn as we sang last week.

Uh but today we're singing the chorus and then we'll be singing verse two of the hymn.

And and then we'll be singing the chorus again at the end.

And maybe if there's any more bad behaviour over the summer, then we'll sing the whole hymn, versus one or two.

But for today it's just gonna be verse two.

So please stand as we sing verse 2 and the chorus of They've Lifted the Curfew.

Thank you.

You may be seated.

Mrs.

Watts.

Mrs.

Watts, when I say you may be seated, that means seated in your own seat, not at the front of the church.

We haven't got to that bit yet.

So go on.

Go on.

Go back to your pew.

Yes, yes, I do mean it.

Go back to your pew.

Very good.

Very good.

Yes.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mrs.

Watts.

And I must say, thank you for giving that a go, even though I could tell you were quite raspy and not really all that with it this week, but it sounded uh it sound it sounded, but nonetheless, it's I heard it.

So thank you for that.

Well, after the excitement of Mike winning the three sixty shoes last week and I I still don't know what he's gonna do with all those pairs of shoes.

He could almost wear one pair a day, every day for a year or he could get two seasons out of it if he just kept that to the summer.

But uh that's for him to work out.

Anyway, this week we're playing for a brand new pair of baton gloves, and in a second In a second, Mrs.

Watts I'm going to ask you to come to the front to answer a cricketing question for your chance to win the gloves.

Right, so please can everyone, apart from Mrs.

Watts, come to the front?

No, no, you will be allowed, Mrs.

Watts.

I'm just letting everybody else go first.

No, it's a good lesson for you.

So if everybody could please come to the front to answer this week's cricketing question.

Well done, everybody, for getting to the front of the church, and especially to you, Mrs.

Baltholmu.

I know it always takes you a while, but you got yourselves in the front row, and that has speeded up this entire process.

I have seen these Newbury batting gloves.

I have, Mrs.

Watts, you're looking at me again with a questioning face.

And no, Mrs.

Watts, you cannot use them for cooking either.

These are proper, proper batting gloves for proper, proper batters.

So to have a chance of winning these beautiful, beautiful Newbury batting gloves, here is this week's simple question.

Across both innings, who was the highest scoring player last time England played at Lords?

Mrs.

Watts, put your hand down, please.

Again, we all appreciate your enthusiasm.

And those from the Parish of Newbury have also released a bespoke discount code for members of our parish.

Just use Sunday Service 15 and get 15% off at www.newbury.co.uk, excluding bespoke bats.

Why not treat yourself to some premium gear and quality widow?

Well, the covers have been rolled onto the pitch for the umpteenth and final time today.

That is stumps for this service.

Once again, refreshments will not be held in the church today, but they will be held held in the Badges Googly.

So if you'd like to speak to me or Churchy, that's where you can find us.

And all the cricket will be on.

We'll have uh day four of the test match, we'll have day four of all the county championship games, they'll all be on all at the same time, and it will be joyous.

And as I mentioned earlier, there is the collection flake going round, so please do give what you can towards the Parish Birdbath.

And I must say again, thank you very much for everybody turning up and helping out yesterday to put on a fantastic day's cricket, and we've raised lots of money towards the birdbath now.

So I imagine we'll we'll be purchasing it before long.

We're gonna have a very fancy birdbath, I'll tell you that.

Um please don't forget to tell us all about your cricketing woes, worries, triumphs, and tales during the week.

You can just email us at SundayserviceCricket at gmail.com or message us on Twitter at Sundayservice22.

Thank you everybody for coming along to the service today, and if you've enjoyed yourselves, please do tell other members of the parish to come along with you next week and expand our cricketing family.

Thank you to WG Rumblepants for his cricketing observations, and of course, thank you, Mr.

Gomberts, for his beautiful reading from the good book.

And of course, thanks to our friends from the parish of Newbury for their continued support of the Sunday service.

This service has been led by George Gomperts and Mark Church, and until next Sunday I said it last week, but I feel the need to say it again this week because the message clearly didn't get through to everyone.

So go to bed whenever you feel appropriate.

But please, please, please, please relax responsibly.

Wise words, young Mr Gomberts, wise words.

Until next week.

Bat well everybody.

Bat very, very well.

Goodbye.

Oh hello, Mrs.

Watts.

Yes, I'm sorry for holding you back a bit with the cricketing question, but you still managed to fire your answer in.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

That's that's very kind.

Ah, I okay, you've got some some notes on my readings.

Yes, I I hear that you're quite keen to do the reading yourself.

Yes.

Yeah, I appreciate what you're s yeah.

Yes, yeah.

Yes, I uh no, I understand.

I appreciate what you're saying, Mrs.

Watts, and Yes, it it was it was certainly add to the theatre of it, but I I'm gonna continue doing it my way, just for the moment at least.

I think I think people are enjoying it that way.

No, I do I appreciate what you're saying, and I d I do understand it.

I just I just think I'm gonna I'm gonna do it my way.

Very good, Mrs.

Watts.

Well, thank you nonetheless for for your kind words and for your notes.

It's nice to to know that at least one person's listening to it.

Yes, very good.

Excellent.

Will I see you in the googly?

Perfect, right.

I'll see you there, Mrs.

Watts.