”The Gospel-Shaped Wife” // Ephesians 5:22-24, 33 // Lakeview Bible Church

Uh, good morning family. How are we

doing?

>> Excellent. Excellent question. As we get

going, do you want to live in fairness?

You're like, uh, Eric, it's an odd

question because if my options are

unfairness or fairness, I'm solidly in

the fairness category. You, like me,

want things, want life to be fair,

right? Okay. I want the rules to be

followed. I want my side to do as much

as the other side and it all equal out.

Question. Do you want fairness in your

relationships?

I still think the answer is yes. That

you and I as we think about the

relationships that we are in, I am

looking for fairness. I'm looking for

relationships where I put in

a certain amount and the other person

puts in the same amount as well or maybe

a little more.

Now question,

do you look for fairness

in your marriage?

Someone said yes. Thank you.

As I ask that question, I want you to

think just a level deeper, a little more

concrete, uh, in a sense because have

you ever done this? As you've sought

fairness in your marriage, you've said

to yourself, I'm doing A and B and C and

D and E and F and my spouse is doing

half of G.

And that's not fair.

And if you've ever done that, what

happened in your head and heart as you

did that calculation, that scorekeeping,

did you do that and go, "Uh, I love them

more because I'm doing a ton and they're

doing just about jack squat."

No. What you did was you got a little

miffed, a little upset, and you're like,

"You need to bring up your end of the

bargain.

I'm not saying which side of the gender

does that more or less.

Hold that thought.

Uh last week I said that as we talk

about marriage and family, I'm going to

speak in generalities. Men generally

like this, women generally like this. I

also try to say that um it's not 100%

the case that men are always like this

and women are always like that. So I was

informed this week that some ladies have

a nothing box.

Maybe you do.

I would say it's different than the male

version.

But I just bring that up because I'm

asking you again. I like interpolate. If

I say something and you as husband and

wife are like the opposite, just go

like, "Oh, in this in this regard, we're

opposite." Because I'm just gonna talk

generally. Okay? So, thank you for the

emails. Um,

I read them. But here's the second thing

tied to that that I do want to touch on.

Okay? Please hear my apology from the

standpoint of given the time that we

have in order to talk about marriage and

family. I do not have the time to talk

about all the different variations of

well our family looks like this and we

got together like this and we have this

dynamic like in 2026. You know, I know

there are a lot of different ways family

formation happens and I apologize that I

cannot speak to. Okay, here's what the

Bible says about this circumstance and

here's what the Bible says or my best

guess if it's not like addressed in

scripture. See the announcement about

asking questions. So, for instance,

during our time, I'm not going to touch

on uh being a steparent, right? But a

question came in about how do I be a

good steparent? So, I was able to answer

that in the video. So, that's what

that's there for. Okay, good. All right.

Now, back to the scorecard system.

because we need to address this, folks.

It's really messing us up. So, here's

what I want to do. I want to give us the

husband and wife marriage scoring

system. Okay, men are the leaders. So,

we're going to start with the guys. This

is how men tend to score uh things in

marriage. So, some scenarios. First one,

he gets out of bed and trudges off to

work. 500 points. Right out of the gate,

did it again. like tomorrow, Monday

morning, your husband's going to get up

and time to make the donuts. All right.

Uh how about this scenario, right? He

does something nice for his wife. Easily

a,000 points. Easily a,000 points. Now,

there's a correlary to this one because

he did if he does that thing without the

wife asking, that's an extra 10,000

points.

Okay, now he's you can see he's really

starting to rack them up at this point.

Now, let's talk about those special

days, right? uh Valentine's or

anniversary or birthday. Let's give a

scenario there. He plans an elaborate

dinner out for their anniversary.

Flowers, heartfelt card. He takes care

of the babysitter. Easily a million

points. Easily a million points. So, if

you're if you're following along at home

right now, our guy's up 1,1,500

points. Ladies, this is why this is why

your husband walks around a lot of time.

I'm basically killing it around here.

OKAY, NOW

YOU CAN SAY AMEN at any point in here.

All right. Now, let's equal time. Here's

how we're going to do the same scenarios

and this time from the wife's

perspective. Okay. He gets out of bed

and goes to work. I work just as hard.

Zero points. That's how that goes.

All right. Next scenario. He does

something nice for her. One point.

I think that's nice. How about this one?

Right. He did that thing without her

asking. Well, he should have. I've been

hinting at it for weeks, but I'll be

nice. One point.

Right. I'm speaking truth right now. And

then last, he plans the elaborate

dinner. All the things. And she's

feeling generous. Two points.

And if you're playing along at home,

total four points. Okay. So you can see

where we have where the different

scoring systems, right? I I go through

all of that exercise to uh to say this.

Here's what I'm going to encourage you

to do right out of the gate. I want you

to get rid of your scorecard.

Why?

Because what I have found in my own

marriage and in just about every

marriage I've ever observed or talked

to,

the more scorekeeping you do,

the less enjoyment in your marriage you

will actually have.

Why? because just like you know I I was

a little over the top with it but um we

will always go I'm doing this and this

and this and what and they're doing this

and this and this right here's if you

were to ask me like Eric what do couples

get in trouble with

it's this couples who are struggling are

using each other instead of serving each

other

they are using each other not serving

each other. How do you know when you're

using someone? Because what's behind the

scorecard system is you better perform.

You better do XYZ and I'm keeping track.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get

rid of the scorecard. Here's what you

do. I'm here to serve. My heart posture

is I love you and I'm here to like for

husbands, I want you to flourish, babe.

wives. We're going to talk about wives

today. Pray for me. Um,

I want my husband to be all that he can

be, all that God has wired him and

designed him to be. And I am here to see

that happen.

That's going to be a great marriage.

Now, last week when we talked about

husbands, just by way of review, we said

that the husband is commanded by God to

love his wife. What is love? It is a

sacrificial. It is a self-giving. It is

a I lay my life down for you kind of

love. There is no cost I will not bear

as a husband so that my wife and my kids

flourish. How does that look? We saw in

Ephesians 5 like nourishing and

cherishing, meeting her physical needs,

meeting her emotional needs. What?

Sacrificially.

And this week we're again we're going to

look at God's instructions to wives. And

ladies, please please hear me. Whether

or not your marriage is like in a really

good spot and maybe you could use a

tweak or two or you're in a season where

you're like, "Nah, we're we're we're

struggling."

Please, God is for you.

God God is in the business of writing

new chapters

and he in his grace and power can bring

it to bear in your marriage regardless

of what has happened regardless of how

it's gone and he can do all those like

that great marriage that you wanted.

That's possible.

That fulfilling marriage that you want,

that's possible.

But again, remember it's a gospel-shaped

wife. If it's a gospel-shaped husband,

if you do it his way,

if you do it his way. So, I'm just going

to ask again, all of us, husbands and

wives would like, "Okay, Lord, please

help me. I don't want to be

culture-shaped. I want to be

gospel-shaped."

How do you do it? Grab your Bibles.

Ephesians chapter 5. The gospel-shaped

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

wife allows her husband to lead. The

gospel-shaped wife allows

her husband to lead. Ephesians 5 and

we're going to read 22- 24.

Ephesians 5

22 and following.

Love hear the pages turning.

Okay. This is what God says. Wives,

submit to your own husbands as to the

Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife,

even as Christ is the head of the

church, his body, and is himself its

savior. Now, as the church submits to

Christ, so also

wives should submit in everything to

their husbands. Okay?

So

in this you can see where like what it's

written and is it hot in here

man feels hot in here. Can we get

someone on that? Um, no. Here's I I do

that because here's what we have to do

culturally.

No one likes that what we just read. You

may be here and you may recoil at what

we just read. Okay. And here's what I

want to do. Totally fair. I'm going to

unpack just briefly

how these passages, how these three

verses have been totally mangled and

co-opted by wicked men and how what we

just read is actually beautiful.

Okay. So,

there have been men over the past, I

don't know, call it hundreds of years

who have used these verses to subjugate

women,

to demean their wives, to keep them

under their thumb, to do all manner of

wickedness, and quoting these verses to

try and get God to cosign on their evil.

Full stop. wrong,

abhorrent.

These verses do not make accommodation

for any abuse whatsoever, physically,

emotionally, verbally, sexually. None of

it is permissible. Or can you look at

these verses and be like, "Oh, well,

there's your past." Wrong.

Any man that does that is wicked and

evil.

And let me say this to all the

gentlemen. Our job in the body of Christ

is if we ever hear that or see that, we

step up and defend her.

And

if there is ever a situation where you

or a lady you know of is being subject

to that,

get out.

at a minimum for safety's sake.

Also, please do not allow for the

doormat mousy wife who is in the corner.

You can speak when you're spoken to.

No.

Is that clear?

Now that we're all depressed,

what does it say?

Verse 25 or 22,

wives, submit to your own husbands as to

the Lord. What this word actually means

is pretty much the polar opposite of

what we said. The word submit is the

Greek word hoopaso. It's a compound word

hoopo which means to be under and toaso

head or leader or authority. Okay, to

place yourself under some sort of

authority. Is that a good thing? Well,

it depends on the context. Here's Romans

8. Just give you one example of how this

word is used in the Bible. For the mind

that is set on the flesh is hostile to

God. For it does not submit to God's

law. Indeed, it cannot in this context.

Is submission a good thing? Yeah.

Because you take yourself, you put the

word of God over top of you. The word of

God is your authority. Man, that's how

you have a great life. Submit to that.

Submit to what God says 100%.

What else is here? Let me unpack this.

The first thing you have to see is

submission is voluntary. Um, I'm about

to get Greek grammar nerd up on you and

uh hopefully you see something that

you've never seen before in uh verse 25

where we read last week, "Husbands, love

your wives. Love is a present active

imperative."

I know you're my grammar skills. What

does that mean? Present tense means you

get up today and love your wife. You get

up tomorrow and love your wife. You get

up the next day. It's a continuous

action. It's active meaning you do it.

And it's imperative meaning it's a

command.

You'll never guess the form of the word

hoopaso in verse 22.

Present

middle participle.

Why does that matter?

It's not a command.

It could have very easily, just like in

verse 25, been put in the imperative,

but it wasn't. What's the force of

what's being said? Present, same, which

means ladies, every day. You get up

tomorrow, do the same. Get up tomorrow,

do the same. But it's middle, okay?

Active, I hit the ball. Passive, the

ball hit me. Middle, I do something that

impacts me. It's both active and passive

at the same time. Here's the Why aren't

you excited as I am?

>> It's voluntary.

Here's what the Lord is saying, ladies.

I invite you. I don't command you.

I invite you to choose of your own free

will to allow him to lead.

Have you ever heard that before?

Oh, now you're all big fans of grammar.

Now, let me be clear. You can interpret

the force of what is written as an

imperative in force. But I find it very

interesting that the word is not an

imperative. Ladies, please hear me. You

get to choose.

The ball is in your court. whether or

not you do this. But why do you think

God mentions it? What's his heart for

you? That you would

that you would. So submission is

voluntary. The second submission honors

God's design for the family. Okay? God

uh in the two institutions, church and

family, he set up organizational

structure. The church is led by King

Jesus as the chief shepherd. Chief

chief shepherd

with undersheperds, elders, and pastors

to lead. We answer to him. Notice what

it says about the family. How is that

ordered? Verse 23. For the husband is

the head of the wife, even as Christ is

head of the church. Okay. Now, here's

the other problem we have with these

verses. Our cultural baggage is we

assign value to headship or leadership.

In general, what we do in culture is a

leader is better than a follower. Right?

Is that true? No. No. Why? Well, because

in a marriage, guess what? Husband and

wife equal in dignity, value, and worth.

But they have different roles

that also have equal dignity, value and

worth. What does it mean then to

biblically be the head? You as the head

are the chief servant.

How do I get that? What is Jesus as the

head of the church? In Mark 10, he says,

"I have not come to be served. I have

come to serve and to just like we read

last lay my life down as a ransom for

many. So notice notice how this works,

right? Just go with me.

Husband is head. The wife is invited to

voluntarily allow him lead. But how is

his leadership exercised?

as service.

He take just like the Lord takes the

lower rung. That's what and you know

this if you're a good leader you know

you're the chief servant of your

department of your company. Me Eric

what's your job? I'm the chief servant

here. That's my job.

Is that good or bad for wives?

Why would you allow your husband to

lead? Because it's actually really good

for you

and him.

Why? Because he's supposed to.

Don't take his job for him.

Lovingly let him lead.

Now, let me give us a picture because

like I just want to hopefully make it a

little more concrete.

When you are driving in a car with

someone, how many people can actually

operate the motor vehicle?

Hold on. I'm not even there yet.

Man, that's a pretty good joke. If like

you laugh and I'm not even at the punch

line.

One one. Okay, let's just say for the

sake of illustration, the family's

driving in the car, the husband's

driving, the wife's in the passenger

seat, the kids are in the back. As the

husband is operating the vehicle, does

the wife get a say in how the vehicle is

operated? Yes.

Does the wife get a say in where the car

goes?

Yes.

Does the husband have a vested interest

in getting everyone there safely?

Yes.

Where it goes bad.

I'm not there yet.

is when the husband disregards the

opinions of the other folks in the car

or the wife takes the role of driving

instructor.

Eric, break this down for me

practically. Here's how I suggest you do

marriage. Every issue that comes up,

husband and wife, well, I think this, I

think this. Okay, good. But you're both

persuadable.

So that sometimes what happens is we're

talking about this thing and the wife

says, "Yeah, all right. I think you're

right. Let's do that." And we're talking

about this thing and the husband says,

"Well, yeah, I think you're right. Let's

do it your way." And in like I've been

married 20 over 20 years.

I can count less than five times where

we came to a situation where it really

was an impass. I thought one thing,

Heather thought another thing, and I had

to go, "All right, babe. I think this is

what we're going to do in Sweden."

It's so rare.

Why? Because submission goes both ways.

Look at verse 21.

It's very interesting how God wrote his

Bible.

The verse right before 22 is 21.

I know you probably never caught that

before.

What does it say?

Submitting to one another out of

reverence for Christ. Why is this

important? Because husband and wife

before their husband and wife are

brother and sister in Jesus. Assuming

you know and love the Lord. Which means

what the chapter five the part that we

didn't read uh is about how do we how do

we operate in the family of God? How do

we do this thing? You know how we do it?

I don't have to get my way all the time.

I'm happy for you to get your way and

you don't have to get your way all the

time. You're happy if I get my way. Then

we talk it out and we make the best

decision. Like, doesn't that sound fun?

That's how marriage should go.

Two people who are okay to submit to one

another. Why? Because you need each

other. I can't tell you how many times

during our marriage like I was sure of

something and then Heather was like,

"Well, what about that?" And I'm like,

"Darn.

Hadn't thought about that. You're right,

babe. Let's do that."

Be persuadable.

Now,

uh here's the last thing, and ladies,

this is this is the hardest one.

Submission fights a woman's sin nature.

All right. Last week we went to Genesis

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

chapter 3 and I said again in general if

a man's sin nature is getting the best

of him he tends to go to passivity.

He tends to be like no I don't care and

do it. Right? That's what we saw in

Genesis 3. What is the sin nature when

it's getting the better of her for a

woman generally?

It is an overd desire for control and

authority.

Eric, where do you get that? Genesis

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

chapter 3. You remember the story?

Satan comes. He starts talking to Eve.

What should Eve have done about two

sentences into the conversation?

I'm sorry. Uh, Snake, you need to go

talk to God. I'm done talking to you.

Or she should have turned around to her

husband and say, "Adam, deal with the

snake."

Just just notice. Did either of those

happen? No. Here's like ladies, here's

what is going to tend to trip you up. I

don't need God and I don't need my

husband.

Both are there not to. Again, it's this

isn't subjugation. It's not to get in

your way. It's protection. It's

covering. It's leadership. It's service

in the best sense of all of those words.

And so God comes to you and he says,

"Please allow him to lead. It's good for

you."

If you come to a wedding that I do,

here's what I tend to say around this

part. You're like, "Eric, you actually

preach this at weddings?" Yes. I'm a

glutton.

Generally, wives need to be wanted.

Generally, men need to be needed.

And what you're doing, ladies, when you

allow him to lead is you're saying, "I

recognize that I need you."

Ladies, I'm telling you, if you

communicate either overtly or

subliminally that you don't need him, a

man's heart will drift to the place

where he is needed.

You're doing him and yourself a favor by

allowing him to lead you.

I like to say it this way again at

weddings. I say, "Gentlemen," I say to

the the groom, I say, "God calls you to

love your wife so much that you'd be

willing to lay your life down for her."

I turn to the bride and I say, "And God

asks you to love your husband so much

that you're willing to have him care for

you."

Is that bad?

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful. What does this mean

practically? A couple of thoughts.

When husband and wife when this is going

really well, what they're both doing is

what we see in in both sets of

instructions. Here's what I mean. Notice

how again like we saw last week where um

it says, "Husbands, love your wives."

And immediately, well, how? As Christ

loved the church, immediately the focus

goes from here's what I'm telling

husbands and immediately start looking

at Jesus. Notice what happens for the

ladies. Submit to your own husbands.

What? As to the Lord, please, please,

every couple, look to Jesus first, your

spouse second.

He's the one you're obeying. He's the

one you're following. And out of the

overflow of that, you got a chance for a

great marriage. If you are looking at

your spouse first, I'm telling you,

disappointment.

They're not perfect.

Only Jesus is. And so, he says, "Look

here first. I got your husband. I got

your I got your wife. I You look at me

first.

And then here's what I have found just

in my own marriage and like all the ones

that I counsel and talk to over the

years.

If a wife knows that her husband is

being led by the Lord, that he is

genuinely trying to seek the face of

God. He's prayerful. He's like, "I'm

trying, babe. I promise you, I am trying

to lead our family and seek God's face

in everything. Guess what? You're more

inclined to let him lead.

Yes.

Most ladies are like, "I would let him

lead, but he's not looking at Jesus.

He's acting like the devil."

And that's fair if he is.

Last thing I want to show you. What does

this mean practically? Just look back at

verse 22.

Ladies,

submit

to your own husbands. Okay, ladies.

How many men on the planet are you being

asked to submit like this to?

And you get to pick them.

So, choose wisely.

Let me press that point one step

further.

It is a travesty when we give our young

ladies advice that is absent. You know

how you should be picking your husband?

Is this a man that you can see yourself

allowing to lead you first?

Yeah, but he's really hot.

You know my line. So is hell.

Right.

Parents, you're talking to your

daughters. What are you What are you

evaluating the suitor on? Could I see

this young man leading her well and

nourishing and cherishing her well?

Those are the questions.

How often in culture are you hearing

that?

Culture-shaped or gospel-shaped?

Now, I told you last week that I made

a somewhat sizable mistake

on the first morning of my honeymoon.

Well, it got worse.

So, again, for those of you that missed

it, we honeymooned in Kauaii. It was a

beautiful island. And for me, like my

wife and I were 31, Vim and Vigor. I'm

thinking this is going to be an epic

adventure. Eric, what do you mean? Well,

what did we do? We got snorkeling gear

and started snorkeling all over the

coral reefs all around the island. And

then you know what else we did? We got

on a kayak tour where we kayaked miles

up this river, then put the uh kayaks

into a into a beach and then hiked

through the jungle for two 10 miles and

to a beautiful oasis waterfall

and then hiked back through the jungle

back in the kayak to make it back to

where our rental car was. What else did

we do? We hiked the Nepali coast. If

you've never seen it, sheer cliffs.

you're looking down like that makes my

stomach queasy. And in Kawaii, they have

these amazing things called uh

downpours. And so you'd be hiking and

next thing you know, you're soaking wet

and now muddy. It was glorious. Oh, and

then we also did this.

Oh, hold on. That

notice there are no doors on that

helicopter.

Eric, who chose that?

Didn't you see Magnum PI,

man?

My the Here's the expression on

Heather's face. What am I doing in the

middle of the jungle next to a

helicopter?

Now,

in full transparency, we were doing

romantic dinners every night. lu

the whole deal. And and in my defense,

we were lounging around the pool

sometimes up to 20 or 30 minutes.

>> A million points.

That's my That's my point. Exactly.

That's my point. Exactly.

And then on day six, my wife had a

meltdown

and she had had it and she's like, "I

need to get this knucklehead's

attention." And she was

not happy. And she let me know. Now,

was I trying to ruin the honeymoon?

No. I'm like, "Babe, this is awesome. Is

this great?" She's like, "No, I'm tired

of sweating."

And so, guess what I did? I dug my heels

in and I'm like, "Well, we've got

another jungle hike tomorrow.

What happens when it all goes south? Are

we going to be ready?"

No. What I do? I'm sorry.

Let's spend the whole day on the beach

and around the pool. I didn't know.

Why? Submit to one another.

I don't have to get my way.

Hopefully, you don't have to get your

way.

What should you do, man? Husband and

wife, talk about everything. Money,

finances, in-laws, vacations, homes,

careers, the kids,

all of it. and come together

and be persuadable.

Allow each of you to have your full say.

Man, I bet you have a great marriage.

Still feels hot in here.

Does that Does that make a little more

sense?

All right.

The gospel-shaped wife thinks and speaks

the best of her husband.

I just have two points. This is the

second one. Look down to verse 33.

This is how the whole, you know, set of

instructions to both husbands and wives

get summarized. Verse 33, however, let

each one of you talking husbands love

his wife as himself. Basically just

repeats the exact same thing that he

said earlier. And then this, let the

wife see that she respects her husband.

Now, this is not going to surprise you

because you are now thoroughly versed in

Greek grammar. Guess what? This is not a

command.

Again, you're invited, ladies. How do

you want to use your words with respect

to your husband?

Are you using your words in your head

and heart and verbally to build them up?

encourage him, that you're for him, that

you want to see him excel in all the

ways to man, go get it. I'm behind you.

I'm for you. Come on, let's go.

Or

is the conversation that you're having

in your heart towards your husband, all

the things he's not doing well?

You got to get rid of the scorecard.

You'll always have evidence. I promise.

Just jettison it. Don't overlook things.

Don't hear me. Talk about what you need

to talk about. But generally, like, are

you for him? Is the conversation that

you're having in your heart like, "Man,

I'm so glad I married him.

I believe, man, you could do anything.

Go get it."

Or not.

Ladies, let me tell you something. You

probably already know. Your husband may

have a rough exterior, very soft on the

inside.

And guess whose opinion matters more

than anyone else's?

His wives. You know him best. You know

as all his flaws as foibless.

If you believe in him, man, he can leap

tall buildings in a single bound. I

promise you.

If you don't,

he's crushed.

Now,

every woman in here,

you can rightfully say, "Well, it'd be

nice if some encouragement came my way.

It'd be nice if I saw some of that. It'd

be nice if his words built me up."

100%.

Totally agree. Here's the only thing I

want us to observe. And please hear me.

It should go both ways.

But here's what I want you to see.

This was given to the ladies.

The men, you got to lay your life down.

I command you to do so. Ladies,

please use your words to build him up.

Eric, why do you think that God chose to

give those to the different men and

women? Here's my guess. Ladies are

generally

better verbally.

You're much more skilled

for good or for ill.

Let me tell you a couple stories.

Uh George W. and Laura Bush. Okay.

George HW is the really old one. He died

um president in the 90s after Reagan. Uh

George W. was the more recent. The

story, true story, he's at like his

first big campaign event for the first

office that he is going to run for.

After the event, George and Laura are

driving back home. He leans over and he

says, "Babe, how do you think my speech

went?" And she goes, "It was good, but

improve here. Do this. Next time, do

this. It'll land better. This, you can

do this and this." He's listening. She

can't see it because it's dark, but his

knuckles are getting really tight around

the steering wheel. And when they get

home, he drives into the garage

without raising the garage door.

True story.

And Laura commenting back on that day,

she said, "He

probably has other people to give him

constructive feedback."

And she never did it again.

Second story. This week I asked a number

of ladies like, "Hey, what do you think

about Ephesians 5? Where how does this

land on you? What do you think I should

say and not say?"

Why? Because I don't want to get hurt.

Um,

and as I was talking to one of the

ladies,

she told me a story of early on in their

marriage where, again, if you've been

married longer than five minutes, what

you'll find is there'll be seasons where

you have the same argument over and over

and over

and o and they were in one of those.

And somehow in the middle of it, she's

like, "Oh, here we go again." And down

we go. But she stops.

She looks her husband in the eye and she

goes, "Look, you just need to know that

I do believe in you."

In the moment he does this,

"You have no idea." He says, "How much

that means to me?"

And she from that day on she told me the

rest of the story. She just made it

every now and again. I believe in you.

Look him in the eye. I believe in you.

So now 20 plus years in, he doesn't

remember a time where he hasn't heard

that from his wife.

Great marriage.

Ladies, is that easy? No.

Hard? You know, how do you do it? Here's

my invitation.

Pray for your man.

Like, pray for him. Lord, do a work in

my husband.

Mold him, shape him, build him,

strengthen him, give me the words that I

need to encourage my man.

I promise you. Like I've never not seen

it happen. When a wife does that, guess

what you will get? You will get

encouragement back. I promise you.

I promise you.

Easy. No.

Vital. Yeah.

If you would indulge me, I would like to

bring my wife out. Heather, where are

you? Would you welcome my wife?

One of the ladies I said, "Babe, what

should I say and not say? Please help

me." As you in our 20 plus years of

marriage have looked at Ephesians 5 and

tried your best to say, "Okay, God, I'm

going to do it. It's on like on the

first part, the whole submission,

allowing me to lead." What what have you

learned that would be helpful to the

ladies?

>> I don't know if I'm on. Okay. Um

yeah, so now I get to tell the stories.

Um

you know, we were in marriage

counseling. Yes, we were in marriage

counseling about 15ish years ago and

we're asking the counselor like, "How

are we going to know when we got this

right? Like how are we going to know

when we finally have arrived?" And the

counselor said something that day that

changed my heart forever. And he said,

"You'll know you're mature

when your own sin bothers you more than

his sin does."

And submission externally was fine for

me. I can hike through the jungle for

six days. It'll be okay. Um phone.

>> But

but internally in my heart, man, there

is some pride. There was some

self-righteousness.

There were a lot of times when I thought

I knew better. Maybe even some times

when I thought I was better. And so I

really had to not only submit to the

Lord, but really changed my heart

posture. I mean, y'all, like it wasn't a

scorecard for me. It was more like a

debit card. I was like, "Oh, you said

that minus 100 points. You did that

minus 1,000 points. You didn't get me

that thing that I really wanted you to

get me for my birthday, even though I

didn't tell you I wanted you to get it

for me, but you didn't read my mind

minus a million points." And so, I had

to really just change the way like I

thought and believed about him. and

practicing Ephesians 5 really like that

made everything better.

>> Yeah. On the respect side, so where we

just landed, what do you think you've

learned on that side? What God has

taught you?

>> Okay. Some of you may be able to relate

to this, but I am not a naturalb born

encourager.

Okay? I read the marriage books and I

would read through and be like, "Oh,

here's the problem. You're not doing

this. You're not doing this. You're not

doing this." And if you could just fix

these 10 things, we'd have a much better

marriage. And that was my approach. And

it didn't go so well, as you may

imagine. Um, and so it's really been

difficult for me to, you know, kind of

change my ways. Uh, humbling to really

try to be more of an encourager. But

I've what I've recognized is like I set

the climate.

If I set a climate of encouragement

where I am respecting and really

believing the best in him and telling

him that I believe the best in him, then

that results in him loving, cherishing,

nurturing me more. And so it starts this

like upward spiral of like things are

going great.

But if I am disrespectful

and kind of have an dude and like I

said, think I'm better. Um, then he kind

of responds with like backing away a

little bit and then I respond by backing

away a little bit and he and it just

starts a different kind of spiral, a

downward spiral. And so, man, Ephesians

5 really has the key there. I have the

opportunity now to coach women around

marriage and one of the things that I

encourage them to do is something that

I've had to practice, which is

gratitude. Right? It's really what do

you think? What do you believe? And so

what I ask the women I coach to do is to

think of three things that they're

grateful for about their husband every

single day. And they have to be

different ones every single day. And

some of the women I work with, they're

really struggling. So it's like, hey,

start where you're at. If it's he chews

with his mouth closed, you count that as

a victory and you write that one down.

>> It's good.

>> It's good. helpful,

>> but gratitude really does. Oh, it makes

such a difference in our hearts.

>> So, okay. So, you you give them that

assignment. Say, "Hey, three things just

three things you're grateful for." So,

if you were to share like just one,

>> you know, it's a model. It's not for us.

It's for everyone.

>> It's for the It's for the family. It's

for the family.

>> I'm not good at this.

Okay. Um Well, no. You do you do a good

job of loving and nurturing and

cherishing me. And I'll say we've come a

long long way since our honeymoon.

>> We have.

>> Okay. One of the reasons I started with

fairness when we began is because what's

actually true is none of us actually

want fairness.

You know what you want? You want grace.

If we dig our heels in and want

fairness, we're all sunk.

What you and I really need is grace.

You know what that means? that every

marriage gets a reset button.

Every marriage, every day can go, you

know what? We're going to start with

grace,

reset,

and a great new day is possible.

I promise.

So, ladies, your turn. If you're a

married woman, would you please stand?

Husbands, if your wife is standing,

would you stand with her and hold her

hand?

If you are a single lady and would like

to be married one day, would you stand?

Single men, pay attention.

It's my gift to you.

All right, ladies, hold out your hand.

Bow your heads. Father, I pray your

blessing over my sisters

that you would fill them to overflowing

with your love and your grace and your

peace. and that you would fill my

sisters with the confidence that you

smile over them. You are not

disappointed with them.

You're working on them. You're working

in them. You're working in their

marriage.

And would you bless them? Would they be

able to experience by grace the marriage

that you have in mind for them? that

they would be I pray for Lake View to be

filled with a whole bunch of old wrinkly

people

sitting on swings with a whole bunch of

grandkids and great grandkids

and they would have great joy uh amidst

the journey.

for the young ladies who want to be

married. I pray that you give them

patience, give them a focus on you, and

I pray that you would bring them godly

men.

And I pray that you would fill us to

overflowing with love

for one another day by day, little by

little for Jesus' sake. And everyone

said, "Amen." May God's grace go with

you. May your marriage be awesome. And I

will see you next week. and we're going

to talk about parenting. Have a great

week.