What's hurting your relationships

Here's a garden.

This represents the love of a relationship and all the

potential of a relationship. And this of course represents the

offenses that are going to come into your relationship. Now,

you don't have to be married to get a whole

lot out of what I'm saying right now. This will

apply to anybody in your life who is important to

you and show you exactly what the enemy will try

to do. Like, for instance, I don't know if Stephanie's

a good cook or not.

Oh yeah, yeah, good good. And I was talking to

my mom this morning.

No, my mom lives here in Charlotte, and she reminded

me of this story.

This is hilarious. It just shows how offenses can come.

Because the question isn't our offense is going to come

into your relationship.

That's not the question. They're going to come. They're going

to come. The question is what are you going to

do with them?

That's what determines whether or not you keep a strong

relationship with God, with others, with yourself. So my mom

was telling me they were at my father's mom's house,

so my grandmother, my dad's mom's house, for Thanksgiving, and

she made some stuffing you know that. Yeah, And when

she and my grandmother made some stuffing. And the way

I understood the story, my dad was sitting there eating

his mom's stuffing.

And while he's.

Eating the stuffing, he says, trying to give a compliment

to his mom, He's like, mmm, Mom, nobody makes stuffing

like you. I mean, other people try to make stuffing,

but nobody can make.

It like you. And my mom is my mom is thinking.

While he's saying nobody makes stuffing like you, my mom

is thinking, and nobody is going.

To make stuffing for you.

Accept your mom, So you better invite your mom to

be your cook if nobody makes stuffing like her. And

my mom said, I didn't make that man stuffing on

Thanksgiving for the next six years. And I said, can

I tell the church that story is a good illustration.

She said, yes, as long as.

You clarify that I really do make better stuffing than

your grandmother. Now, I got you holding that because he

says this stuff. He says these unintentional things because men

are stupid.

We just say stuff.

We don't realize what we're saying, and we just say stuff.

And maybe Dan hasn't done it yet. To me, he

looks like an intelligent man. But he's gonna say something

and it will be unintentional in his mind.

He's just saying it. He's just saying something. Just it

just says stuff.

Or sometimes it's not what they say, it's what they

don't do.

It's an unmet expectation.

That is the breeding ground of offenses and relationships.

Unmet expectations.

And let me tell you the breeding ground of I

met expectations, unexpressed expectations.

So you got to learn how to talk to people otherwise.

Like let's say, growing up in Stephanie's house, birthdays were

a big deal. But maybe at Dan's house they didn't

make a big deal about birthdays because hey, what.

Did you do. You didn't do anything on your birthday.

You were just born. So maybe on birthdays at Dan's house,

nobody celebrates the fact that you just came out into

the world like it was some great achievement. But Stephanie

wakes up and her mom used to make her pancakes

on her birthday, and her dad had a special song

that he was saying, I don't know I'm making this

stuff up. I never met Stephanie and Dan before I

was making a scenario, And so Dan wakes up on

the birthday and he's going to take her out to PF.

Chang's that night because that's her favorite place. But now

it's morning time and it's like seven, and there's no pancakes,

and there's no special song and there's no thing. And

so now all of a sudden, it's the first birthday

they spent as a married couple. And he wakes up

and gives her a little kiss and goes to work

and les her with an offense.

And you're like, well, that's stupid. She shouldn't get so

offended over that.

Well, you get offended over some stuff too, some little things,

and you all it, and it won't just be you

offending her. Let's say maybe let's say you're working really hard.

This used to happen in me and Holly's marriage. This

is an example I did not ask for permission to

share when I discovered that her recreational preference was shopping.

And yeah, yeah, so she said me too, So you

come home on Saturday. Holly would come home on Saturday

and she would be energized and she would have bags

all over her arms. But to me, those bags didn't

look like shopping bags. Those bags looked like grenades to

be launched into our financial picture. Here I am trying

to work. She's walking in with all these bags looking out,

and then she has the nerve to say, don't worry

because I got it on.

And this is what the Devin wants.

All right Now, Dan is trying to fall asleep on

Saturday night. And again I'm just making this up, but

she handed you this offense.

She wasn't trying to offend you. She was just shopping.

It was just her thing.

But Dan is working, and doesn't she see how hard

I'm working, And how does she expect us to get

ahead financially? And like the last thing she needs is

another pair of shoes.

And the enemy's like, yeah, yeah, that's good, Dan, that's good.

She doesn't care about you. She doesn't respect you.

She doesn't she doesn't appreciate all that you're doing to

provide for her.

She's working against you. It's just a little offense.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is still stuck on her birthday.

It was four months ago.

She's still mad about the pancakes.

Come here, Stephanie, and.

She's over here, and she's still she's still nursing, that

that thing about the birthday and see us.

Every time she thinks about it, just a little deeper.

She should drive it down in there with every thought

and reliving it and thinking about what he said and

what she did and what they didn't say. They didn't

pay attention to me, I don't appreciate me, and drives

it down deeper. And marriage is going to give you

because it's the most intimate relationship, and the more intimate

the relationship, the more infinite the potential.

For offense. And so you're gonna.

Have like a million offenses, little offenses, and if you

don't learn how to deal with them, because sometimes the

thing that you liked about her when you were dating

will drive you crazy now that you have to wake

up with it every day.

No offense to Stephanie. I'm sure she's wonderful. You're like, oh,

why would you say that about her? It's true about everybody.

Here's how the country pachers had it.

He said before marriage, opposites tracked after marriage.

Attack. Hey man, that's how the country reacher said it.

And so I know it's kind of heavy. That's how

offenses are, but it's.

Not all at once. It's just one at a time.

So like, let's say that before marriage you liked her

because she is mysterious and quiet, and that draws you

to her. But then in marriage it can go this

way to where it was really attractive that she was

quiet and mysterious when you were dating her. But now

in marriage she won't ever talk, and it's like no,

but yeah, but no, but just for example, and it's like,

why won't you tell me what's on your mind?

But that's why you liked her.

And before you married him, he was the life of

the party and he walked in and he just talked

and lit up the room.

And now why won't he ever shut up?

Dan?

Will not shut up?

Shut up Dan?

And so what actually was part of building the foundation

of the relationship, now it's a fence and it happens.

A million different ways.

In the enemy, we give you all kinds of opportunities

and you don't realize what's happening because it's just one

little conversation after another. You know, it's just dressing on Thanksgiving, Yeah,

a big thing.

It's just me.

Trying to tell Holly how to drive in her saying, well,

then why don't.

You drive if you do. Such a good driver, and

we have a lot.

Of dysumption in our relationship over what happens in the

car because I can't find my way places and she

can't drive. So she has a great sense of direction

but horrible driving skills. I'm a great driver with no

sense of direction. So the other night we're driving coming

from a movie as a matter of fact, not the

Christian football movie, but we're coming back and she almost

got us killed, and I was mad because.

To me, she wasn't paying attention.

And we talked about that later and she was like, well,

you know, if you want to be in control of

how the car works, there's a different seat you can

sit in.

Shut lock up, luck off.

That's the biggest problem you have. No, it's not the

biggest problem we have. It's just the one I'm gonna

tell you about. It's none of your business or problems here,

But see offense by offense. If we don't learn what

to do about this, the enemy would love just one

conversation after another.

You don't make a.

Decision to walk away from a relationship that you love.

You don't see them becoming your enemy.

In Matthew five twenty five, it's just one unacknowledged effort

after another, and you start thinking, well, I'm the only

one who ever takes out the trash around here. Well,

I I guess I'll do it, do it again like always.

No, it's good, I got it.

I got it. Is a problem with love to.

Get up with the kid again in the middle something.

I know, it's fine, I know, you gotta work. And now.

What started as just a small offense, now what God

joined together.

Is separated because of offense. And now the crazy thing

is Jesus said, if you.

Let it get to this point, if you live your

relational life on the basis of well, I'm not apologizing first,

I apologize first last time. If you don't learn how

to deal with these things, you find yourself in prison.

It's not them that you imprison, it's you. Hey, Dan,

why don't we talk anymore? Where did the love go?

Then? We haven't been the PF change in three years? Dan,

you built a fence.

The enemies agenda is construction, His strategy is the vision,

and his tactic is as Thankfully, God has given us

another way to deal with offense.

If only we could find an example of somebody who

had every right to be offended.

Of somebody who.

Had every right to hold it against us, of.

Somebody who had every right.

To stand in a distance, but opened his arms and said,

this is the way of relationship. And the Lord gave

me a real specific word for somebody who needs reconciliation

in your relationship.

It's very simple what they have to do.

If they're going to stay like they started, if we're

going to get back.

To where we were, we're going to have to learn.

Watch this. This is very this is very profound. This

is deep.

You're gonna miss it. This is what you're gonna have

to learn. You gotta learn to drop it. You got

to learn to drop it. And I don't mean suppressed it.

I don't mean you don't deal with things after they happen,

but after you've had the conversation, Dan, I like pancakes

on my birthday, Then drop it.

Touch somebody say drop it? I mean the moment, the offense.

Because you can't.

Always control what's handed to you, but you can control

what you do with this.

So what are you gonna do with the offense?

Come on, Dan, you can't choose anybody else's actions.

The enemy wants you to drive it down deep.

You know he wants you to ah think about it

and miss all the reasons that the persons has worked

their way into your life, and miss all the things

they've done for you.

And he wants to drive it. But God says, drop it.

I believe that there are some things that we need

to drop to night. In fact, Jesus said this is

so important that if you are in church at the

altar offering a gift and a sacrifice, but the primary

relationships in your life are dysfunctional and need reconciliation, you

can't even properly connect with God unless.

You drop it. Do it again, Dan, drop it. Every

time they do it.

I want you to reinforce it one two three dropping

What are you gonna do when they when they don't

acknowledge you, when they don't notice you, What are you

gonna do? What are you gonna do when they when

they are too busy to show you the love and affection,

but you know that they're trying as hard as they

can to you. Gotta. I'm telling you, being married, being

in a close relationship is about not how quickly you

can get offended, but how quickly.

You can get over it.

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