What's hurting your relationships?

Here's a garden. This represents the love of a relationship

and all the potential of a relationship. And this of

course represents the offenses that are going to come into

your relationship. Now, you don't have to be married to

get a whole lot out of what I'm saying right now.

This will apply to anybody in your life who is

important to you and show you exactly what the enemy

will try to do. Like, for instance, I don't know

if Stephanie's a good cook or not. Oh yeah, yeah,

good good. And I was talking to my mom this morning. No,

my mom lives here in Charlotte, and she reminded me

of this story. This is hilarious. It just shows how offenses

can come. Because the question isn't our offens is going

to come into your relationship. That's not the question. They're

going to come. They're going to come. The question is

what are you going to do with them? That's what

determines whether or not you keep a strong relationship with God,

with others, with yourself. So my mom was telling me

they were at my father's mom's house, so my grandmother,

my dad's mom's house for Thanksgiving, and she made some

stuffing you know that. Yeah, And when she and my

grandmother made some stuffing. And the way I understood the story,

my dad was sitting there eating his mom's stuffing. And

while he's eating the stuffing, he says, trying to give

a compliment to his mom, He's like, mmm, Mom, nobody

makes stuffing like you. I mean, other people try to

make stuffing, but nobody can make it like you. And

my mom is my mom is thinking. While he's saying

nobody makes stuffing like you. My mom is thinking, and

nobody is going to make stuffing for you. Accept your mom.

So you better invite your mom to be your cook

if nobody makes stuffing like her. And my mom said,

I didn't make that man stuffing on Thanksgiving for the

next six years. And I said, can I tell the

church that story is a good illustration. She said, yes,

as long as you clarify that I really do make

better stuffing than your grandmother. Now, I got you holding

that because he says this stuff. Oh, he says these

unintentional things because men are stupid. We just say stuff.

We don't realize what we're saying, and we just say stuff.

And maybe Dan hasn't done it yet. To me, he

looks like an intelligent man, but he's gonna say something

and it will be unintentional in his mind, he's just

saying it. He's just saying something. Just it just says stuff.

Or sometimes it's not what they say, it's what they

don't do. It's an unmet expectation. That is the breeding

ground of offenses and relationships. Unmet expectations. And let me

tell you the breeding ground of un i met expectations,

unexpressed expectations. So you got to learn how to talk

to people otherwise, Like let's say, growing up in Stephanie's house,

birthdays were a big deal. But maybe at Dan's house

they didn't make a big deal about birthdays because hey,

what did you do. You didn't do anything on your birthday.

You were just born. So maybe on birthdays at Dan's house,

nobody celebrates the fact that you just came out into

the world like it was some great achievement. But Stephanie

wakes up and her mom used to make her pancakes

on her birthday, and her dad had a special song

that he would say, I don't know I'm making this

stuff up. I never met Stephanie and Dan before I

was making a scenario, and so Dan wakes up on

the birthday and he's going to take her out to PF.

Chang's that night because that's her favorite place set. But

now it's morning time and it's like seven, and there's

no pancakes, and there's no special song and there's no thing.

And so now all of a sudden, it's the first

birthday they spend as a married couple. And he wakes

up and gives her a little kiss and goes to

work and leaves her with an offense. And you're like, well,

that's stupid. She shouldn't get so offended over that. Well,

you get offended over some stuff too, some little things,

and you hold it and it won't just be you

offending her. Let's say maybe let's say you're working really hard.

This used to happen in me and Holly's marriage. This

is an example. I did not ask for permission to

share it when I discovered that her recreational preference was shopping.

And yeah, yeah, so she said me too, So you

come home on Saturday. Holly would come home on Saturday

and she would be energized and she would have bags

all over her arms. But to me, those bags didn't

look like shopping bags. Those bags looked like grenades to

be launched into our financial picture. Here, I am trying

to work. She walking in with all these bags looking out,

and then she has the nerve to say, don't worry,

because I got it on and this is what the

ever wants all right now, Dan is trying to fall

asleep on Saturday night. And again I'm just making this up,

but she handed you this office. She wasn't trying to

offend you. She was just shopping. It was just her thing.

But Dan is working, and doesn't she see how hard

I'm working? And how does she expect us to get

ahead financially? And like the last thing she needs is

another pair of shoes and enemies like, yeah, yeah, that's good, Dan,

that's good. She doesn't care about you. She doesn't respect you.

She doesn't she doesn't appreciate all that you're doing to

provide for her. She's working against you. It's just a

little offense. Meanwhile, Stephanie is still stuck on her birthday.

It was four months ago. She's still mad about the pancakes.

Come here, Stephanie, and she's over here, and she's still

she's still nursing that that thing about the birthday and

see us every time she thinks about it, just a

little deeper. She should drive it down in there with

every thought and reliving it and thinking about what he

said and what she did and what they didn't say.

They didn't pay attention to me, and I'll appreciate me.

Drives it down deeper. And marriage is going to give

you because it's the most intimate relationship, and the more

intimate the relationship, the more infinite the potential for offense.

And so you're going to have like a million offenses,

little offenses, and if you don't learn how to deal

with them, because sometimes the thing that you liked about

her when you were dating will drive you crazy now

that you have to wake up with it every day.

No offense to Steffanie. I'm sure she's wonderful. You're like, oh,

why would you say that about her? It's true about everybody.

Here's how the country preachers had it. He said before marriage,

opposite tracked after marriage. Attack. Hey man, that's how the

country preacher said it. And so I know it's kind

of heavy. That's how offenses are, but it's not all

at once. It's just one at a time. So like,

let's say that before marriage you liked her because she

is mysterious and quiet, and that draws you to her.

But then in marriage it can go this way to

where it was really attractive that she was quiet and

mysterious when you were dating her. But now in marriage

she won't ever talk, and it's like no, but yeah,

but no, but just for example, and it's like, why

won't you tell me what song on your mind? But

that's why you liked her.

And before you married him, he.

Was the life of the party and he walked in

and he just talked and lit up the room.

And now why won't he ever shut up? Dan? Will

not shut up? Shut up Dan?

And so what actually was part of building the foundation

of the relationship, Now it's a fence and it happens

a million different ways. In the enemy give you all

kinds of opportunities, and you don't realize what's happening because

it's just one little conversation after another. You know, it's

just dressing on Thanksgiving, Yeah, a big thing. It's just

me trying to tell Holly how to drive and her saying, well,

then why don't you drive if you do such a

good driver, and we have a lot of dysfunction in

our relationship over what happens in the car because I

can't find my way places and she can't drive. So

she has a great sense of direction but horrible driving skills.

I'm a great driver with no sense of direction. So

the other night we're driving coming from a movie as

a matter of fact, not the Christian football movie, but

we're coming back and she almost got us killed, and

I was mad because to me, she wasn't paying attention.

And we talked about that later and she was like, well,

you know, if you want to be in control of

how the car works, there's a different seat you can

sit in.

Shut knock off, nuck off.

That's the biggest problem you have. No, it's not the

biggest problem we have. It's just the one I'm gonna

tell you about. It's none of your business or problems here.

But see offense by offense. If we don't learn what

to do about this, the enemy would love just one

conversation after another. You don't make a decision to walk

away from a relationship that you love. You don't see

them becoming your enemy. In Matthew five twenty five, it's

just one unacknowledged effort after another, and you start thinking, well,

I'm the only one who ever takes out the trash

around here. I guess I'll do it, do it again

like always.

No, it's good, I got it, I got It's not

a problem. I would love.

To get up with the kid again in the middle something.

I know, it's fine, I know you gotta work.

And now what started as just a small offense, now

what God joined together is separated. Wow, because of offense. Right,

And now the crazy thing is Jesus said, if you

let it get to this point, if you live your

relational life on the basis of well, I'm not apologizing first.

I apologized first last time. If you don't learn how

to deal with these things, you find yourself in prison.

It's not them that you imprison, it's you. Hey, Dan,

why don't we talk anymore? Where did the love go? Then?

We haven't been the PF change in three years? Dan,

You built a fence. The enemies agenda is destruction. His

strategy is the vision, and his tactic is as Thankfully,

God has given us another way to deal with offense.

If only we could find an example of somebody who

had every right to be offended of somebody who had

every right to hold it against us, of somebody who

had every right to stand at a distance, but opened

his arms and said, this is the way of relationship.

And the Lord gave me a real specific word for

somebody who needs reconciliation in your relationship. It's very simple

what they have to do. If they're going to stay

like they started, if we're going to get back to

where we were, we're going to have to learn. Watch this.

This is very this is very profound. It's deep. You're

gonna miss it. This is what you're gonna have to learn.

You gotta learn to drop it. You got to learn

to drop it. And I don't mean suppress it. I

don't mean you don't deal with things after they happen,

but after you've had the conversation, Dan, I like pancakes

on my birthday, Then drop it. Touch somebody say drop it?

I mean the moment, the offense. Because you can't always

control what's handed to you, but you can control what

you do with this. So what are you gonna do

with the offense? Come on, Dan, you can't choose anybody

else's actions. The enemy wants you to drive it down deep.

You know he wants you to ah think about it

and miss all the reasons that the person has has

worked their way into your life, and miss all the

things they've done for you. And he wants to drive it.

But God says, drop it. I believe that there are

some things that we need to drop to night. In fact,

Jesus said this is so important that if you are

in church at the altar offering a gift and a sacrifice,

but the primary relationships in your life are dysfunctional and

need reconciliation, you can't even properly connect with God unless

you drop it. Do it again, Dan, drop it. Every

time they do it. I want you to reinforce it.

One two three, drop it. What are you gonna do

when they when they don't acknowledge you, when they don't

notice you? What are you gonna do? What are you

gonna do when they when they are too busy to

show you the love and affection, but you know that

they're trying as hard as they can to you.

Gotta.

I'm telling you, being married, being in a close relationship

is about not how quickly you can get offended, but

how quickly you can get over it. Hey, thanks, for watching.

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