HOW NOT TO DATE | PASTOR LUKE LEZON

All right. All right. Well, welcome to

Key Church, everybody. How's everyone

feeling? We doing all right?

>> All right. It is so great to see you and

to be here with you all this morning. I

am so grateful that we're gathered

together in this house. And I'm grateful

because today we are continuing in our

collection of conversations that we've

been in over the course of several weeks

now called Divine Desire. And Divine

Desire is a collection. It's a

discussion where we find ourselves

lingering in and learning from the Song

of Songs and we're addressing some uh

relatively controversial things like

dating, marriage, sex, romance. And as

we're doing that, what we've come to

recognize is that we're dealing with

substantial relational struggle in our

current cultural moment. But the

beautiful thing is that we have a

scriptural solution that we're living in

a culture where regardless of your age

or your relational stage. I think we

recognize people are longing for

committed love and at the same time

losing their confidence in their ability

to a find it, b have it, and c keep it.

And so we're continuing in this

collection. And as we're doing that, I

want you to know that we're pivoting

just a little bit today. Uh we are going

to be moving through the Song of Songs a

verse at a time. We're going to make

sure that we get to every single thing

in that book. Uh but we are twice in

this 10-week collection going to jump

outside of the Song of Songs to bring a

supplemental passage that is going to

give us a better well-rounded

understanding of certain relational

stages that aren't necessarily talked

about as much in the Song of Songs

itself. And so, let me just go ahead and

recap where we've been before it is that

we continue into all of the things that

God has for us today. And I'll explain.

If you've been with us over the course

of the past couple of weeks, you know

that we felt led to do communion today

and remember what the Lord did for us

because we've talked about some hard

things. Uh, and so, as we've done that,

you recall that we've moved through Song

Song of Solomon 1 · chapter mention

of Songs chapter 1 and halfway into

verse two. And we have addressed how it

is that you are supposed to be a man of

God in a relational context and how it

is you're supposed to be a woman of God

in a relational context. If you have not

seen those or listen to those messages,

I would encourage you to go back and do

so as these will build on each other and

things will make a whole lot more sense

if you know what it is that we have

discussed. But what we see is that in

the Song of Songs, uh there are these

two individuals that King Solomon and

the Schulomite woman, they're falling in

love. as they are, we see that there's

this attraction that we've navigated. As

they've been going through this

attraction, we found that it's mainly

rooted in one another's character. And

so, as we continue in Song of Songs,

when you go from chapter 2, 8, where we

left things off, and we move continually

through chapter 3 5, where we're going

to stop the next time we're in it, what

we'll find is that it's really talking

about how it is that we should be dating

and pursuing one another. that they will

have flashbacks in their relationship to

those moments when they were in the

midst of courtship or whatever it is

that you want to call it. That they are

in that and they're telling us how we

should do that. But I think what we need

to recognize is that we are living at a

time where we see that people are really

overtrained in what not to do and

underdisipled in what they should do.

Can I get a witness? Right. Uh and so we

find ourselves in the midst of this

really bizarre historical relational

struggle where quite honestly uh what we

see is that Pew Research has conducted

all of this uh in all of this uh

investigation with new information that

has come to light regarding our

relationships. Uh and they even ended up

conducting some uh in some

investigations into singleness and what

that looks like for people that are

technically single and yet are looking

to date someone. Uh and they found some

really alarming things. They found that

single people that are looking, both men

and women, described the dating scene in

this way, that quote, "They feel

unbelievably dissatisfied and

disenchanted with dating life," which is

not good. Uh 50% of those individuals

that were pled up saying that they feel

like dating is probably harder today

than it was a decade ago. And can you

believe it? Men and women differ on what

it is that makes it so difficult. uh

that men feel like they don't know if

they can just approach a girl uh and ask

them on a date, that they don't want to

come across as creepy. They don't really

know what's going on. I think in light

of some of the things that they've seen

uh and really that we've all seen with

things like the Me Too movement and

things that have actually uh brought

some really good things to light in the

midst of that still uh it's made some

guys like really concerned that they're

not trying to come across as weird. Uh

but then at the same time you see that

uh women who are absolutely concerned

about the guys that are coming up to

them then find themselves with all of

these different uh potential candidates

and they might end up pairing off with

one and then they never know where they

stand. Uh that the man is apparently

struggling to define the relationship

and they don't really know what to do

with that. And so we see here that

here's here's the thing I want to get

across to us that are married in the

room. Uh the game has changed folks.

things are different today than they

were back when we were dating. Uh that

if you've been married for a decade or

more, you don't know what it's like out

there. And it is scary. It's weird. Like

super weird. There are things.

There are things

stuff that wasn't normal for you and for

me is totally normal now. Things like

cohabitating. Yeah. Just just move in

with each other before you're even

married. Uh online dating, which is a

whole thing. Uh social media. It has

shifted assumption, expectation, and

preconceived notion about the way that

dating goes. And so we see that for many

of us where at one point you thought

about the idea of dating someone for the

first time and it was like exciting and

fun. Uh it's not that way anymore.

People feel like it's really erratic and

filled with fear. And so we kind of have

some good news and bad news that we need

to address here today. And so uh if

you're like me, if someone says, "Hey,

there's good news and there's bad news.

Uh which would you like first?" Which is

particularly terrible. The only time I

really hear that's at a doctor's office.

Uh and usually I'm just like, "Let's

let's get the bad news out of the way.

uh let's alleviate all anxiousness, end

on hopefulness. And what I want to do

here is address the fact that there is

some bad news and it's that we are so

steeped in the midst of relational

warfare, it's almost like we have PTSD.

So even to hand us uh hey, this is what

you should do in dating. This is how you

should pursue. This is how you should

expect to be pursued is not all that

helpful if your ears are ringing and you

don't even know where you are. It's like

handing someone that's just been in the

midst of war and saying, "You should go

that way." And they're like, "I can't

see right now." So, that's not all that

helpful. The good news is that we have

the revealed and written word of God

that provides healing for our pasts and

allows us to have some hope for our

future. But I think what we need to

understand is that today we need to do

something a little different. We need to

talk about how not to date before we

talk about how it is that we should be

dating. That's where we're going today.

What I want to do is diagnose a sickness

before we prescribe a solution. And so

we're going to diagnose sickness here in

1 Corinthians 10:es 23 and 24. That's

going to be our main text here today.

And then what we're going to do is next

week prescribe the solution. And we're

going to be back in Song of Songs

chapter 2:8 through 3:5. Let me tell you

what we're not doing today. We are not

having a conversation about dating. And

this is going to be like a four-step

process to try to help single people

figure out how to get a date. Uh you can

do that. Uh you can do that right now.

You can get on some type of app and find

a date. Hey, you set your standards low

enough you can get married this

afternoon. Uh and so I think what we

need to know uh is that actually we're

trying to have a totally different

conversation. We want to be a people

that are actually going to have a

conversation around dating that helps us

understand, hey, what does it look like

for this to be flourishing and long

lasting love that I can expect to carry

on into the future that we see we're

pivoting out of Song of Songs because

where we are in Song of Songs is

somewhere between I'm drawn towards this

person until death do us part. And that

gap in between those is this romantic

mindfield that we see a lot of people

are skipping around and feeling like

they are just having all sorts of issues

that are going on. And so that's what

we're going to do today. Uh now before

we jump into the text, let me say

something. I want to say that uh the way

that I've written this is I'm thinking

about if I were speaking to my sons or

if I were speaking to your sons and

daughters. Okay? Uh the truth of the

matter is uh that there are a lot of

people that are married in the room,

right? Uh most of us are probably

married. And I want to encourage you,

don't tune this week and next week out.

Uh, there's going to be something in

here for you today, more so next week,

admittedly, but there's going to be

something in here for all of us. But can

I just say the quiet part out loud? Um,

most programming and messaging in a

church is geared towards people that are

married or married with kids. And single

people don't really get their day

despite the fact that, you know, all the

material that we read is from single

people. Uh, and so I think we probably

need to go ahead and acknowledge, hey,

that's a significant piece of life. For

the record, anything that you don't like

that you see happening in culture and

society where you're like, "Man, this

feels real weward. This isn't good."

Much of that can end up being corrected

in this particular season of life and

this stretch that we call dating. And

so, uh, don't tune it out. I hope that

it's something that you will, uh, jump

into as well. We got a lot of single

people in our church. If you're single,

raise your hand.

>> Take a good look. Like, you know, there

you go. There's there's your options

right there. You're welcome.

I saw one of you and you're definitely

married. You should No, I'm kidding. Uh

like so.

So, hey, like look, uh there's a lot of

people that are struggling out here. And

so, we want to address that. We got

single people in our church. And then

there's many of you in here where you

have kids or you know single people and

they don't listen to you. Uh you're

saying all the things and they don't

listen to you. And so you're hoping that

I'm going to say something that they

might listen to despite the fact that

you've been saying the thing they should

be listening to for a long time. And so

that's what we're going to do here today

as we open up the word in 1 Corinthians

1 Corinthians 10 · chapter mention

chapter 10 beginning in verse 23. We

ready for the word?

>> It says this,

everything is permissible but not

everything is beneficial.

I know everything is permissible

but not everything builds up.

No one is to seek his own good but the

good of the other person.

Let's pray together.

Lord, would you

help us come alongside one another as

the church and help lift up the arms of

every person that is in this place

regardless of where they are. And Lord,

would we take this opportunity today to

recognize that we are uh course

correcting that this could be a

significant day in the lives of many

individuals that quite honestly maybe

find themselves in a place where they

want to date right, but they don't

recognize they've taken more advice from

the world than they have stayed in step

with the word of God. And so Lord, would

we would we backtrack on some of those

things? Would we find ourselves uh

making a Uturn and not going down that

same direction that we might say, "Hey,

uh the path is dark this way and we're

not finding any hope. Maybe there's

something better." Lord, would you steer

us onto that today that you might be

glorified in the way that we care for

one another? Lord, we love you. We

praise you. We ask these things in Jesus

name. Amen.

Well, I'm curious. Uh anybody in here

ever seen the show uh Squid Game on

Netflix? Do you even know what I'm

talking about? The show Squid Game. Uh

if you haven't seen the show Squid Game,

that would seemingly put you in the

minority of planet Earth. Uh because the

truth of the matter is, uh that Squid

Game is a show that is uh out of South

Korea. But when you look at all of

Netflix Englishspeaking and

non-English-speaking shows, uh Squid

Game is by far and away the most

streamed show of all time, which I don't

know what I would have guessed. Like

maybe Stranger Things or something. I

don't I don't know. something that was

not from South Korea probably would have

been my guess but it's Squid Game by a

large margin that actually we see

Variety would report that Squid Game has

been watched for a total of 2.2 2

billion hours in counting and the next

closest poor them is just at 1.7 billion

hours. And so what we see is that uh our

brains are rotting from consuming

billions of hours of television. Uh but

at the same time there is one winner

that is rotting us above them all. And

so we see Squid Game as a show that has

this rather uh fascinating theme and

vision that actually it's about hundreds

of individuals that are steeped in

financial crisis that they're dealing

with an incredible amount of financial

debts. But there's an individual known

as the recruiter who will go out and he

will invite all of these different

individuals to compete in a series of

children's games that have a massive

cash prize that would eliminate all of

their debts. And so we see that all of

the people that are invited, they're

eager to jump into it. They want to

compete in this series of what seems

like innocent children's games, but what

they don't understand is that the games

are actually not so innocent. They are

unknowingly deadly. And the first game

they'll end up playing is a game called

Red Light, Greenlight, which even if you

don't know what Squid Game is, you

probably know what red light, green

light is. Do we know what red light

green light is in here? Sorry for those

of you that didn't have a childhood. Uh,

but what we see here is that the game is

very simple. Uh, you have someone that's

standing on this starting line here

that's kind of the leader of the game.

And then you have everyone else that's

participating start all the way at the

end. And whenever that leader says green

light, then you can start walking that

way. But when they say red light, you

have to pause. Now, the way that the

game works when you're a kid is that if

you falter on a red light, you have to

sit out of the game. You have to watch

everyone else compete and be sad for

yourself. But what happens in Squid Game

is something entirely different.

Everyone goes into this game assuming

that's what happens. If I falter on a

red light, then I got to sit out. So,

they're going hard after it. And many of

them falter. And when that happens, they

don't actually end up having a chance to

sit out. They get shot. And so all of a

sudden someone hears that happen and

they're like h like chaos ensues. It's a

massacre. People don't know what to do

with this. Everybody's panicking

justifiably. And what they miss is that

because they had wrong assumptions as to

the way that the game is played. It ends

up getting them into a really deadly

place. And I say that to you knowing

many of you are probably like, "Hey, how

does that relate to what it is that

we're talking about today?" And I'd say

cuz that's the way that the modern

dating scene looks like.

You know,

for many of us,

if you've been married for longer than

10 years, like I I would say the idea of

dating was like this crazy thing. It was

uh exciting and fun that when you

thought about falling in love and

meeting someone and going out on dates

and picking them up in your car that you

weren't really safe enough to be driving

in, like all of those things, you're

like, "This is going to be so fun." And

now what you see is that for a

generation, it's just inducing copious

amounts of anxiousness. And even if

you're not in that generation, but

you're someone who's newly single for

whatever reason, you know, it is

completely different out here that

people want to make a move, but they

feel like every move that they make

might be their last. And so it could

seem real trivial to many of us that are

in the room. It's real to people that

are in the midst of it right now. That

dating feels like high stakes red light.

Green light.

I like them. I think I'm going to go

forward with them. I guess that's a

green light. Or is it a red light? Did I

really just want to be a green light? Am

I making green lights red lights or red

lights green lights? It doesn't matter.

We're going slow. It's not like too it's

I mean slow. It's like it's but we're

still moving. So it's like it's kind of

like yellow light. But the thing about

that's not in the game. There's it's red

light green light. Why am I talking

about yellow lights? Am I not even in

the game? I'm not even playing the game,

right? I just I just What's wrong with

the game? Did they say they like cats?

Boof. Like, you know, you just find

yourself in this place

where you're not really sure what to do.

Dating and Squid Game are similar in

this way. It's not ultimately the

gunshot that gets these people killed.

It's their assumption about the way the

game should go. And so, we see that

assuming ends up being deadly for them.

and assuming can be deadly for you as

you find yourself dating and pursuing

one another. And I think we need to end

up admitting, hey, where is it that

we're making wrong assumptions, hearing

what it is that culture in the world has

to say to us about what's normal to

navigate in a relationship? Where can we

admit what those assumptions are and

find ourselves in a place where we can

actually save ourselves some real pains

and problems by course correcting to

what it is that God says versus what all

of these other people say. And so as we

do that, I think we need to recognize

that if homicide is death caused by

another, a sumicide is death caused by

your assumptions.

And because people are assuming that

culture is right about the way that

dating should be, it's killing

relationships in reality, that it's

death by assum. And we see that it's

made a lot of people in our society

really consumers of people and

relationships rather than cultivators of

people and relationships. And so, sorry

Disney, we're watching all of these

people deconstruct their idea of happily

ever after with whatever they thought

this person was going to be, and they're

going, "Oh, I've got to date like a real

person in reality, and they're like a

sinner." And so, we see that we've got

to figure out, hey, how do we navigate

these assumptions and get ourselves into

a healthy place? And I think what we

read in 1 Corinthians chapter 10 is

1 Corinthians 10 · chapter mention

actually really helpful for this reason.

Paul is writing to Christians in

Corinth. And as he is, you'll notice

that the context of what he's writing

about is he's talking about the freedom

and the liberties that we have in Jesus

Christ. And we see that he's talking to

the Corinthian Christians about this

because many of them have found

themselves in a place where they're

struggling with a cultural issue which

just take it in faith that I know it's

hard for us to imagine today that

Christians disagree on some things and

that that doesn't mean that they're

primary things and you don't have to

loathe and hate one another as a result

of it, but it's happened in the past.

past. I know it doesn't happen now. Just

know that it's possible. Paul writes

something so that we can know how it is

that we navigate that as believers in

Jesus. And so we see that the cultural

issue of their day was they were

struggling with the morality of eating

food that had been sacrificed to idols.

Often the food that was in the

marketplace, the meat in the marketplace

specifically, people knew it belonged to

an animal that at one point had been

killed in the midst of a pagan sacrifice

to a pagan god. And so there were a lot

of Christians that were like, "Well, I

don't think that we can eat this food

that's been sacrificed to a pagan god.

This is demon stuff. We can't do that.

This is bad. We got to get away from

that. I don't think God would want

that." And Paul writes to them and is

like, "Hey, hey, um, you're like

overthinking this. It's it's not that

big of a deal." Uh, in Romans, Paul

would address a similar issue and he

would say that these are individuals of

a weaker conscience. Doesn't mean you're

a weak person, but there are things that

bother the conscience of an individual

that don't necessarily need to bother

the conscience. Paul is saying, "Hey,

you have freedom and liberty in Jesus.

You don't need to worry about what's

happened with this animal that's now

being sold in the marketplace because

the truth of the matter is the God who

made the animal is more significant than

the human hands that tried to use it for

an evil purpose." And so, he's saying,

"You can eat this food, have a steak,

don't panic." And yet at the same time,

he's going to say to them, you also need

to know that as believers in Jesus,

while we have liberties that are

available to us, praise God, we also

know that we care about the way that we

love one another with those liberties.

And so, I'm saying this to you for this

reason. When Paul is writing to the

Corinthian Christians here, um he's not

talking about dating at all. Uh and by

the way, uh scripture doesn't recognize

dating at all. So just know that as

you're dating and pursuing one another,

scripture acknowledges that as you kind

of being siblings getting to know each

other in a weird way. Uh and so you need

to understand uh this isn't really a a

thing that is really understood and yet

it's something that we navigate as a

cultural issue today. And I think Paul

provides a beautiful framework for us to

be able to navigate that. Well, notice

what he says. He he says everything is

permissible. Not everything's

beneficial. Everything's permissible.

Not everything builds up. No one is to

seek his own good, but the good of the

other person. And so what we see here is

that we're provided this framework that

really consists of three questions. But

we need to acknowledge the fact that we

live in a time of radical individualism.

That in our minds, if something is

consensual, unharmful, legal, and fine,

then who cares? Just go for it. Like

it's not a big deal. But Paul says,

"Hey, it it's beautiful the freedom and

liberties that we have in the Lord." But

you also need to understand there's

another question that needs to be asked

outside of just can we. And that

question is should we? And so you see

that as we have assumptions about the

way we're navigating cultural issues and

for our context here today, dating

specifically, we have assumptions that

we need to analyze. And we see that Paul

provides us with a really good framework

for that in these three questions. He

says, number one, is this beneficial?

Number two, is this assumption building

up and constructive? And then number

three, is this just for my good or for

their good as well? Dating is rife with

confusion and fear. And so I realize

that there are a lot of different things

that we could talk about, a lot of wrong

assumptions that we have going into

dating, but let me just go ahead and say

this. There are really a few that are

plaguing people more than ever before

that I want to address today. I know

that I won't get to all of them, but the

framework still applies to be able to

help us in the way that we're thinking

about this. And I think what we need to

know is that some of these will apply to

both married and single people. Most of

them will absolutely apply to the

singled folks in the room. And we've got

to do the demolition of some assumption

and recognizing how we shouldn't date

before we look next week at how it is

that we should be pursuing one another.

Does that make sense?

Assumption number one that people are

really struggling with in our culture

and society today when it comes to

dating is that they think they have high

standards. But do you have unrealistic

expectations?

High standards versus unrealistic

expectations. Listen,

I hope that you have high standards. I

do. But oftentimes that language is used

to talk about unrealistic expectations.

This isn't in my notes. I saw it over

the course of this weekend as I was

scrolling uh the internet and as I was I

saw this one girl post something that I

was like this just must be addressed

from the platform. And so I saw one girl

that she posted a video of her dad like

opening the door for her mom gently

hugging her like just providing like

ridiculous amounts of like diamonds and

jewelry and like a Range Rover and all

of the all of these like incredible

things. And she's like, "I can't settle

because this is what I was raised by."

And I was like,

"Honey, your dad's 65 and you're dating

a dumb 21-year-old."

Sorry,

what? Like, can you imagine? I think the

funniest thing ever is when people are

like, "We just grew apart. We just grew

apart." Because honestly, honestly,

honestly, what you need to know is just

like you are different than the person

that I married. And if my wife came to

me and was like, "You're different than

the person I married." I'd be like,

"Yeah, thank God." Yeah. Do you want to

be married to 23-year-old me? That was

like, is that is that the goal? I mean,

here what are we talking about? Let me

just tell you like, hey, I don't want

I'm just saying I don't want Don't get

me in trouble. Don't shoot the

messenger, but I don't want to be

married to 21-year-old you.

Thank God we've grown. And so often

times we have to recognize like, hey,

hey, hey, are you putting a 45-year

marriage expectation on a 21-year-old?

We got to evaluate, do you have high

standards or unrealistic expectations?

There are things that you should look

for, but let's just go ahead and ask,

are you actually looking for things that

matter? Because it might not be. So,

I'll never forget, Lindsay and I were

helping lead a young adult ministry in

Atlanta nearly a decade ago now. And as

we were leading this ministry, there was

this one girl that was amazing in the

way that she served on all of our

different teams. She was just

incredible. And she confided in me one

time after a gathering. She was like,

"You know, Luke, I think I'm ready to

date someone." And then she said this,

"But I just don't think that there's any

good guys here." And I was like,

"There's 1500 people here."

I was like, "But I'll play your silly

game. Uh, I've got like three guys that

are amazing that I'm discipling. I'll

introduce to you tonight. And so I was

just like, you should go talk to her.

You should go talk to her. You should go

talk to, you know, like and I'm just

doing all this and and so they're all

going up and I'm just like, you know,

you interested. And they're just like,

man, yeah, like she's cute. Like she

seems great. Like see all the time.

Love. I'm like, yeah. You know what I'm

saying? And so as as that's happening

though, I I noticed that like over time

none of them end up like working out.

Nothing's nothing's really uh sticking

staying. And it's just kind of like eh

they're going their separate ways and my

pride's involved at this point. I'm

trying not to care but I'm just like it

is you know it is it I actually do care.

I got to ask her. And I was just like

hey uh like why is it why is it that

you're not finding any of these guys to

work? Like I mean obviously like I'm

sending you multiple people that could

be potential. I mean the odds are good.

Are the goods odd? Like are they weird?

I don't really know like what's going on

here. I need you to explain something to

me. Like what's going on? I don't it

don't make sense to me. And she says to

me, I'm not kidding you. She says to me,

she's like, Luke, you got to understand

like they're all great guys. I just have

high standards. I'm like,

you should. That's great. I'm not say

I'm not saying, you know what you should

do? Lower your standards. I'm not saying

that. So So where where are they falling

short here? And she said, I just she

said, I'm be honest with you. I I just

wish they were taller.

I was like,

oh, they're literally falling short in

your mind. Like that's

it's like honey that's not a high

standard. That's a that's a height

requirement.

That's different. You're just like nope.

You can't get in line for this ride,

honey. Like there's just that's

that's not that's that's not the same.

That's not the same.

And and you know what's interesting

is that whenever I talk to someone who

is single and they're looking to start

dating someone, it could be men or

women, oftentimes I'm like, "Hey, what

is it that you're looking for in another

person?" And they will give me this list

that's filled with all of these

characteristics and almost never with

character. And so I'm like, "Hey, what's

the difference between how we're

shopping for a car and how we're

searching for a spouse?" Oh, I need this

making model. Need to have like tent

right here kind of like have have wheels

that are like this big. like this, you

know, like this like this big. Like I

need to kind of be like uh I I I don't

know like just maybe maybe this many

miles. Not that many miles. Gez. Like I

mean like I I need it to be something

that like makes sense and it's like

worth the price and it just like I need

to be tall, blunt. I need to kind of

weigh kind of like you know I don't want

to say but like you know what I'm

saying? And so like I I just I need him

to be making about this much money.

How do you know the difference between

high standards and unrealistic

expectations? Well, let me ask you. Are

you looking for features or for fruit?

You're looking for features or for

fruit.

Cuz let me go ahead and tell you, you

got a much easier time finding someone

with a six-pack than self-control in a

clean search history. Don't confuse

features and fruit. And listen, we've

seen in the Song of Songs like

attraction matters on some level.

They're like annoying about it right

now. It's like you're so beautiful,

you're so beautiful, you're so handsome.

Like it's just just like that stage

where it's like, hey, you know, there's

multiple chairs here. and they're like,

"We'll just sit on each other's lap."

It's that stage that they're kind of in

right now. And so, you see that as

they're navigating this, attraction

matters on some level. But honey, let me

tell you, you're not going to care what

that guy looks like if he's 6'4, but

won't change your baby's diaper. You

ain't going to care.

Let Let me just tell you guys, you could

be, "Man, she's such a babe." Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Until you're sleeping on the

corner of the roof. Bro,

there ain't nobody that's so attractive

that you're like, "You know what I like

doing? Sleeping up here with the poop."

Like, nobody likes that. You got to go

back to last week to understand that.

Like, uh, like, no, no, no, no. Like,

you you're not going to like that.

Unrealistic expectations will have you

trying to look for someone who will

fulfill the fantasy life you've created

in your mind. High standards will have

you looking for someone who's staying in

step with the spirit of God and is being

nourished by the word of God. It's just

Psalm 1. Psalm 1 verse one and all the

way through verse three would say, "How

happy is the one who does not walk in

the advice of the wicked or stand in the

pathway with sinners or sit in the

company of mockers. Instead, his

delights in the Lord, in the Lord's

instruction. He meditates on it day and

night. He's like a tree planted beside

flowing streams that bears fruit in its

season and its leaf does not wither.

Watch whatever he does prospers." Are

you entertaining a loser who's grieving

the heart of God? The internet loses

their mind when I say loser. People are

losers. Wait till your daughter brings

one home. They're losers.

Sorry. They're like, "But he's a

Christian and we're all sinners." I'm

like, any any person, sorry. Mostly guys

in particular, anybody that will try to

use the Lord acting like they are a

place of safety that actually wants to

do some things that are not in line with

the Lord's heart is a loser.

>> Sorry. Get over it. And and so what we

need to understand is that we find

ourselves in a place where honestly you

got to go, is this person grieving God's

heart?

What makes you think that all of a

sudden they're just going to become this

thing? It ain't going to happen. Are

they grieving his heart? Are they

delighting in the Lord? Are they around

are they around good company or wicked

counsel? And by the way, wicked counsel

is not like, well, they don't hang out

with Hitler. Like I know that. Like I

I'm not so I'm not saying wicked counsel

is not the worst person on planet Earth.

Wicked counsel means do they ever get

challenged for their idiotic ideas?

And how do they handle when they're told

no?

How do they handle when they're told, "I

don't think that's the best idea." Can

we talk about that? Do they have people

in their life that challenge and

encourage them rather than just affirm

them?

You want someone who is planted in the

continual life source of Jesus Christ

and whatever they do prospers. You want

someone where you know what it is that

you're going to get. Where you are going

to see that they're living a life in

step with the spirit of God, nourished

by the word of God. And the fruit of the

spirit is going to be love, joy, peace,

patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness, and

self-control. Like Galatians 5:22 and 23

Galatians 5:22

say to us, you are going to want to see

those things. It's fine if you have a

preference so far as attraction's

concerned. But make sure devotion to the

Lord Jesus Christ is a prerequisite.

I don't care what your preference is.

But let me let me help you understand

what's going to happen with your

preferences is you could be like, "Well,

I just like blondes. I just like

brunettes. I just like black hair."

That's fine. It all turns white.

Well, I like muscular. Not too muscular.

Like muscular, but like wiry muscular.

Like actually, I like them skinny. I

just don't really know. Just like

muscles are scary. It doesn't It all

goes away. It all goes away. One day

that tone stomach that you can't stop

thinking about, it's going to kiss their

kneecaps one day. There's nothing you

can do about it. And and so you you just

got to know unrealistic expectations.

Have you overly focused on appearance

and materials?

High standards. Have you focused on is

this person planted and they will

prosper regardless of what the

conditions are? Here's the difference

between a believer and a non-believer.

It's not what you'll go through. It's

not what you'll go through. It's funny.

Really, really baby Christians are like,

"I'm following Jesus, and so why are

these things happening?" It's like, it

doesn't change what you go through. What

it should change is how you go through

it. And so, you want to find someone

who's going to have the fruit of the

spirit. It's going to change the way

that you go through inevitably hard

times. The second thing that we got to

be aware of, a second assumption that we

find ourselves getting into trouble with

is this. There will always be more fish

in the sea. Here's the problem with this

one. Here's the problem with this one.

This is for married people, too. That

one's right. There'll always be more

fish in the sea. And that's the problem

is that you're aware of it.

There will always be more fish in the

sea. There's always someone else that

you could be with. And it's caused so

many problems that what we see is the

sea today is a digital sea that we're

swimming in for untold amounts of time.

And so as we're swimming in that digital

sea, the statistics are starting to come

out about how it is that that's

affecting us. And it's interesting uh in

uh in an investigation conducted by Pew

Research, they found that four in 10 US

adults reported being online almost

constantly, not young people,

adults almost constantly, which meant

apps, browsing, messaging, social media.

Uh separate research from them actually

said that's really conservative. Uh it's

really more like five to six hours a day

on their phone alone. Us in the room on

our phones alone that we see it's 5 to 6

hours a day. And when you go to all of

their devices, it's untold amounts of

time. For younger people specifically,

young adults and teens, that number

climbs to 7 to n hours a day. Half your

waking day is spent looking at a screen.

And I think we realize that this has

changed the way not just that people

engage in the way that they're dating,

it changes the way that married people

engage. You know how many times I'll go

out on a date with Lindsay and I'm

watching you and your spouse finding

yourself just like on your phone.

You hear what I'm saying? Like you're on

your phone, they're on their phone, and

it's just like, "Hey, how's the date?"

"Well, Susie's in Mexico. Ray's still

loser." Like, you know, like, "No, no,

no. How how's how's your spouse? How's

your spouse?" It's changing the way we

interact with one another. And by the

way, my halo is not blind in anyone. You

know, I mean, my wife thinks all the

time that I'm not listen to listening to

her, which doesn't make sense because I

I've never heard her say anything like

that. So, I don't uh,

you know,

and how many times it's like even if you

put a show on or something, you're like,

I'm on a show and I'm also doing this

and I'm also wondering that like it's

changing the way that we interact with

one. Stop looking at each other. I'm

watching all you wives look at that like

I'm stop looking at each other. It

happens.

David Brooks,

commentator for the New York Times,

talked about why it is that we're

distracted and disillusioned with one

another. He says, "Once young people

came and calling as a part of courtship

at dating, going steady." He continued

and he said, "But the rules of courtship

have dissolved and they've been replaced

by ambiguity and uncertainty. Cell

phones, Facebook, text messages give

people access to hundreds of friends

that only increase the fluidity, drama,

and anxiety in searching for a spouse.

Having access to all of these different

people, more options, it's not reducing

people's stress when it comes to looking

for a spouse. It's raising it. And as

this as the data is coming in about how

this is affecting us, it's not good. And

as we're seeing all of this come

together, I think the easy thing to do

is just take shots at a younger

generation and say, "Man, you're just

you're just always on your phone. You're

discipled by algorithm screens." And

it's like, "Yeah, but we gave it to

them. We gave it to them." So, we can't

be upset about a world we created. We

have to fix it. And the issue for many

of the young people in the room is like,

hey, some of this stuff, it's not your

fault, but it is your responsibility.

And the irony is you've got to learn to

filter through it or you're going to

always have in the back of your mind,

there's someone else I could be with.

There's someone I don't really like the

way that she responded to this. Ah, I

don't really like him right now. Uh, he

likes cats. And so I just like uh you

you find yourself go maybe there's

someone that likes dogs and and that's

worthy by the way, but everything else

for the most part like you just find

yourself, right?

A and so you've got to figure out how to

filter through it or it can lead to

relational strife and commitment issues.

You know that phrase, there will always

be more fish in the sea. That used to be

a phrase that was used to comfort those

who were brokenhearted after they went

through a really difficult breakup. But

now it's something that kind of lingers

in the back of our mind even when we're

with somebody that we know is good that

we're like, "Ah, there could be someone

else though." Uh that I don't know.

There's always more fish in the sea. And

the issue with the way that this is

changing the way that we think about

relationships and the way that we're

engaging with one another mostly from

being on our phone is now we've got

people practicing divorce and wondering

why they're struggling to be married.

Hook up, shack up, break up, repeat.

That that we're treating pursuing each

other like fishing rather than

cultivating. Catch release. Catch

release. Catch. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Like, and it's a problem we're

cultivating. It's like, hey, you've got

to plant seeds, and you've got to tend

to them. You've got to have other people

that come around and tend to them, that

are speaking into it. You want to make

sure that you're caring for it,

cultivating it. And eventually, you see

things start to bloom, and you look at

it, and you analyze it and say, "Hey,

this is good. This is not good. This

needs to change. We need to do this."

What we see is that there's a different

level of commitment. And listen, if

commitment in a relationship is beneath

you, then being in a relationship is

beyond you.

If commitment in a relationship is

beneath you, being in a relationship is

beyond you. Jesus says in Matthew 5:37,

Matthew 5:37

"Let your yes mean yes and your no mean

no. Anything more than this is from the

evil one." Jesus is saying we should be

able to trust your word. That back in

that time, very similar to today, people

would always attach their their word,

their yes and their no to an oath. We do

this today. Like you ever been talking

to someone? It's just like, "Hey, can

you make sure that you fill up that gas

tank?" And they're like, "Yeah, and I

swear on my mother's grave." It's like,

"Nope, we don't need to swear on mom's

grave. Uh, we just need to do it. Like

we we we don't need to like have these

weird things that we attach to it. It's

it's like not by heaven and earth, I'll

feed the dog. Nope, just feed the dog.

Uh like just you you don't need to you

don't need to declare it in front of God

and everybody. Just do it because you

said you would." Uh but what we see is

that Jesus had to say something about it

because we're not good at doing it.

You've got to be able to recognize, hey,

I can give myself to you or I can be

given over to you because there's trust

here. And that trust is built on the

foundation of a commitment. The third

thing that we need to find ourselves

being aware of as an assumption, and

this one's more for the ladies, but it

still matters. Uh, is this, I need a

ring even if I'm settling.

I need a ring even if I'm settling.

Which this one's hard to admit uh

because it means that you're not caring

enough. And so, here's the thing. uh

like single ladies, this one is is

probably more for you. Um because I it's

a weird time that we live in. I don't

know, maybe guys are getting rings these

days. Hope not. Uh but I think uh this

is what we need to understand is like

for the married people in the room, you

can just affirm this if you know it to

be true.

The biggest decision you ever make in

your life outside of following the Lord

Jesus Christ is who you choose for a

spouse. Amen.

>> There is not even a close one to that

outside of following the Lord Jesus

Christ. Right? Who you choose as a

spouse is an unbelievably important

decision. And often times single ladies,

I will hear through somebody that leads

you in a small group of people in what

we call crews or if they're uh just

someone that's honestly in a in a small

group of friends that are gathered

together. You'll either come to me or

you'll come to one of them and you'll

say something like, "I don't know. It's

just we've been with each other for so

long. We've been together since the

earth cooled. I'm comfortable with them.

I like their mom. I'd miss their dog.

So, we can't we we can't get out of it.

Like, like listen to me. Listen to me.

Listen to me. Do not date a loser

because you're afraid of being lonely.

Do not date a loser because you're

afraid of being lonely. Because I know

your thought is, well, I mean, maybe I

could fix him. Like, I have so much

potential. You can't date projects or

potential, just people. And you don't

want and you cannot handle the pressure

of turning this side hustle into a

really good spouse. And so, you've got

to understand that we're finding

ourselves in a place right now where

we've got to acknowledge that settling

is the assumption that I can pick right

now better than God can provide later.

You do not want to settle on something

as significant as your spouse. If

they're a loser, don't say, "Maybe I'll

unloser them postmar." No. No. Don't do

that. Don't do that. Solomon has brutal

things to say about settling. In

Proverbs 11:22, he says, "A beautiful

Proverbs 11:22

woman who rejects good sense is like a

gold ring and a pig's snout."

Which the Bible's hilarious, y'all. if

you'll just crack that thing open and

read it. Like I I I mean hilarious. He's

saying, "Hey, don't adorn something ugly

with something beautiful."

He He's saying, "Don't settle on

godliness and holiness

for whatever's got you interested in

this person. Don't do that." Proverbs

Proverbs 31:30

31:30, we see that it says, "Charmm is

deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a

woman who fears the Lord will be

praised." And so we see that he's

saying, "Hey, a lot of these things that

you're falling for might not even be

real. They might be being faked.

Fear of the Lord, reverence. You can't

fake that. You can't fake that." And so,

make sure that you are analyzing that

assumption in a way to where you go, am

I settling

or is this a potential spouse? The

fourth and final thing is this, and it's

fitting because this is kind of where

we'll pick up next week in Song of

Songs, and it's that dating is a

destination.

We assume that dating is the

destination. Let me tell you one of the

most wrong things with society right

now. You see young people announce who

it is that they're dating for the first

time and it explodes. Congratulations.

It's like congratulations for what?

Congratulations

for saying maybe. Like what?

Then you post a photo of you getting

married announcing just married and

people are like cool like great. Yeah.

People celebrate trying more than

commitment.

And we're just like, I don't know what's

wrong right now. What's going on? And

here's the truth of the matter is that

we're living in a time right now where

dating is seen as a finish line with

someone and not a starting line. It is a

starting line for you to determine if

you should run your race with this

person. That's what it is. Ladies, you

got to ask yourself, are you looking for

a boyfriend or for a husband? And guys,

you got to ask yourself, am I looking

for a girlfriend or for a wife? You know

what's interesting is that dating is the

process of evaluing evaluating if

marriage with that person is a

possibility.

It's not a place where you practice

being married to someone who you're not

married to. I'll often times have some

couple come up to me and they're like,

you know, we're basically married. I'm

like, you're super not.

How you doing? You're super not. Like

even sort of. You know what's funny

about dating couples is they want to do

everything a married couple does except

the biggest thing which is commit to

each other.

Like listen and and with the guys and

I'll just say this to the guys. This is

this is the way that I I I frame it for

them. And I've had lots of guys

backtrack after this. If my wife gets

hit by a car, God forbid, and she's a

vegetable for the rest of her life,

I ain't going anywhere.

I ain't going anywhere. Let me tell you

something, hot rod. You're bouncing.

You're bouncing.

And don't you for a second look at me

and lie to me.

It's not even close to the same thing.

Legally, spiritually, none of that junk.

Nobody takes that seriously. Dating

couples want to do everything a married

couple does but commit.

And the biggest issue with that

is, man, we got people that want the

Lord Jesus Christ committed to them, but

man, they don't want to be committed to

other people the way that the Lord's

committed to them.

And you know, the hard thing about all

this is it's like we talked about last

week, you know, as we're moving through

the Song of Songs, today's a different

type of message. We usually pick a

passage, we go through it a verse at a

time, and really dissect it in that way.

And today we had to do the demolition of

some things that we just assume so that

we don't start next week going, "Ah, I

know that's the right way to go, but I

actually don't even know where I am."

Uh, and so my hope is that as we find

ourselves navigating relational

struggle, this will allow for some

conversations or for you to send to

someone and go, "Hey, you know what? I

think we need to think about the things

that we're thinking about. I think we

need to think about what we're thinking

about. What is it that you think is

normal and what is good?" Because here's

the truth of the matter. Many of us,

many of us that are on the other side of

marriage can even testify to this. Some

of your biggest regrets in your life

come from past relationships.

They do.

And when you're in the middle of it, you

can't you can't see that. You You just

don't Well, no, I'm not doing anything.

You You are.

I can't tell you how many people are

struggling in their sex life because of

things that they did with other people

outside of that marriage covenant.

I can't tell you how many people

feel so harmed by things that they

experienced in a poor way in a dating

relationship that still frames the way

that they look at their marriage.

Relationships are where we experience

unbelievable hurt and yet unbelievable

healing. And the beautiful thing about

what Jesus Christ has done for us is

he's had us given the opportunity to

enter into relationship with him and go,

you know what, we can get really focused

on our efforts with others, but your

efforts with others need to flow out of

an encounter with him.

And it changes the way that you look at

people

and you look at the opportunity

to be involved in one another's life and

benefit one another. build them up, be

constructive, seek their good rather

than your own.

And so, what I want to do is pray for us

and note that there's probably a lot of

people that are dealing with some past

hurts and the altar's open for you to be

able to deal with those. There are some

of us that have got some really bad

assumptions that got us in a bad place.

There's some of you that need to call

someone and break up after this. There's

a lot of things that are going on here.

And next week, we're back on track in

Song of Songs.

And it's a doozy.

But I believe that the Lord has great

things for us here if we can acknowledge

our hurts and press into healing,

recognizing that encounter with Jesus is

where it really starts and ultimately

where it ends. And so Lord, uh that's

what we want

is to encounter you. And Lord, there

could be some people in here that have

only heard of

what the fruit of walking with you looks

like, but know nothing of the roots of

how that even came to be.

That Jesus Christ lived a perfect life.

He stepped down from heaven. He was

without sin.

He willingly went to the cross for us

and spilled perfect innocent blood that

for those of us that have repented of

our sins and put our faith in him. No,

it'll take away our sins past, present,

and future by the blood of Jesus. That

he was buried in a tomb for three days,

rose to life again, and because Jesus

Christ is alive and well, we can have

life in his name. And Lord, out of

recognizing what it is that you've done

for us, would that encounter with you

flow into the way that we make an effort

with others in a way that will build

them up, that is constructive, in a way

that is actually going to be something

that is for their good and not our own?

Would we count others more significant

than ourselves? Would we lay at the

altar all of our hurts of past

relationships, things that we have done

or things that we've experienced that we

might be able to step out of old wine

skins and into new for all that it is

that you're doing here.

Lord, we love you. We praise you. We ask

these things in Jesus name. Amen.