HOW TO DATE | PASTOR LUKE LEZON

All right. All right. Well, welcome to

Key Church, everybody. How's everyone

feeling? We doing all right.

>> It is great to see you and to be here

with you all this morning. I am so

grateful that we are gathered together

in this house. And I'm grateful because

today we are continuing in our

collection of conversations that we have

called Divine Desire. And Divine Desire

is a collection. It's a discussion where

we are living in and we are learning

from the Song of Songs where we are

addressing some relatively controversial

issues like dating, marriage, sex, and

romance. And as we're doing that, what

we're seeing is that we are facing

substantial relational struggle. But the

good news is that we have a scriptural

solution. And so we're living in this

day and age right now where uh kind of

regardless of your age or relational

stage, we are recognizing that people

are longing for committed love. and also

losing their confidence in their ability

to find it, have it, or keep it. Yes.

>> This is going to be tough.

>> I mean, you got to be more more with me

than that. All right? Like, it's

freezing everywhere else in the United

States, and we live in the great state

of Florida where we're able to gather

right now. All right? So, you know,

we have reason to celebrate here today,

right? Uh but you know it's it's

interesting. We have recognized that

we're living in the midst of this really

uh bizarre historical relational

struggle that Pew Research is a

nonprofit nonpartisan research

organization center that has discovered

that even if you just go back 60 years

to the year 1965 that 88% of individuals

between the ages of 25 and 35 were

married. But for every 30 years that you

fast forward from there, that number

plummets by more than 20%. In 1995, that

number would fall to 67%. In 2025, that

number would fall to just 44%. And so,

what we see is that even those of us

that are married, 42% of married couples

end up divorced. And 20% of us that are

still together operate more like sexless

roommates rather than divine teammates

that the Lord has brought together to

run their race on mission for the glory

and the fame of Jesus' name. And so,

we've come to recognize it's not just a

marital struggle that people are in.

that yes, while we find ourselves in a

place where people might desire marriage

a little bit less than they did in 1965,

it's not that we desire it that much

less, it's that we're struggling with it

that much more. And the issue is that we

really need to look at how it is that we

even get to a place where people are

getting married. And that process that

we know today is called dating. And as

Pew Research has done more research,

they found alarming information about

those who are dating that among those

that are single and looking, both men

and women, they describe dating life as

something where they felt quote

dissatisfied and disenchanted with

dating life. That actually many of them

felt that actually dating is more

difficult today than it was a decade

ago. And so they found that for

different reasons that men really feel

like it's difficult because they don't

know if they can approach a girl, if

it'll be weird, if it'll be creepy, if

they're going to care. And then women

are like, even when they do approach,

we're not really sure where we stand.

What are they asking? Are they just

asking us to hang out? Are we actually

in a relationship? What's going on? And

so we see that there's all of this

confusion. And much of that has to do

with the fact that the dating game has

changed. And we talked about that last

week, that we're living in a time right

now where things are normal that were

not normal for many of us that might be

married in the room. Things like

cohabitation, living together before

you're married, online dating, social

media are things that we didn't

necessarily have to navigate. if you go

back even like a decade or two ago. And

so now we see that assumption,

expectation, and preconceived notions

going into dating have changed. And so

we as a people need to realign ourselves

today after last week where we ended up

taking a brief break in the Song of

Songs. And we are going to find

ourselves, just by way of recap,

recognizing that we have seen these two

individuals, King Solomon and the

Shulamite woman, as their romance is

starting to bud and to blossom. uh we've

ended up having difficult conversations

directed at both men and women, right?

Uh we talked about how to be a man of

God and how to be a woman of God in a

relational context. And then we ended up

last week talking about how not to date

because we can't move forward in

something where we're stuck in another

place. And so we wanted to be able to

demolish some strongholds about those

things that we t kind of tend to think

are normal in dating. And so after

addressing those, now we find ourselves

moving to a place where we can look back

into the Song of Songs chapter 2:8 to

chapter 3:5. And we are going to watch

this couple operate in a healthy way.

How it is that you should be dating and

pursuing one another. And so that's

where we're going today. We have

diagnosed a sickness last week. We are

going to prescribe a solution this week.

And while you're flipping or scrolling

there, it's interesting. I read an

article from Psychology Today at the end

of last year and the article was titled

why do so many young people feel so

doomed about dating

and it was interesting that in that

article there was a term that kept being

used called heteropesimism that that

there is a pessimistic mindset between

the sexes where we see men and women

kind of equally are looking at each

other in a relational way going I don't

know that this is ever going to work and

the article kept asking the question how

do you move from heteropesimism to

heterero optimism. And I just kept

thinking to myself, if you can navigate

this space well, if you understand how

it is that you should be dating or

pursuing someone or the way that you

should be being pursued, then you can

change a lot of the negative things that

are going on in our relationships that

we see that you can handle it well, move

towards marriage, even pursue one

another well in marriage. And for those

of us that are single and maybe looking,

you can find yourself in a place where

you don't actually have to be like, you

know what, we're either going to end up

together or we need to hate each other's

guts for the rest of our life and leave

each other in a complete and totally

desolate place. Uh you don't have to do

that. We can actually move forward

together. And so I want to look at this

today. Song of Songs chapter 2 verse 8

Song of Solomon 2:8

through 3:5. We are going to watch this

couple in their process of evaluation

navigate communication some contention

and move to the destination of marriage.

All ready for the word says this. The

woman speaks and says listen my love is

approaching. Look here he comes leaping

over the mountains bounding over the

hills. My love is like a gazelle or a

young stag. She goes on to say here that

see he is standing behind our wall

gazing through the windows peering

through the lattice. My love calls to

me. to which the man says, "Arise, my

darling, come away, my beautiful one,

for now the winter has passed. The rain

has ended and gone away. The blossoms

appear in the countryside. The time of

singing has come and the turtle dove's

couping is heard in our land. The fig

tree ripens its figs, and the blossoming

vine gives off their fragrance. Arise my

darling, come away, my beautiful one, my

dove, in the cliffs of the rock, in the

crevices of the cliff. Let me see your

face. Let me hear your voice. For your

voice is sweet and your face is lovely."

The woman says, "Catch the foxes for us,

the little foxes that ruin the

vineyards, for our vineyards are in

bloom." She goes on to say, "My my love

is mine and I am his. He feeds among the

liies until the day breaks and the

shadows flee. Turn around, my love, and

be like a young gazelle or a young stag

on the divided mountains. In my bed at

night, I sought the one I love. I sought

him but did not find him. I will arise

now and go about the city, through the

streets and the plazas. I will seek the

one I love. I sought him but did not

find him. The guards who go about the

city found me. I asked them, "Have you

seen the one I love?" I had just passed

them when I found the one I love, and I

held on to him and would not let him go

until I brought him to my mother's

house, to the chamber of the one who

conceived me. Young women of Jerusalem,

I charge you by the gazels and the wild

doze of the field. Do not stir up or

awake in love until the appropriate

time. Let's pray together.

Uh Lord, would we be a people uh that

navigate the most pivotal of

relationships well? Uh and Lord, we're

grateful for your word today. We're

grateful for the fact that we're not

here to uh listen to a guy hypothesize

about what it is that we maybe could do

or should do that might be a little bit

helpful, but rather the one who designed

us and made us, our creator has given us

the words that we need in order to

understand how it is that we operate and

flourish well in a world that feels so

broken without him. And so Lord, we are

grateful to you today for the fact that

we can open up your word and we can see

what it is that you have to say about

the most pivotal things of life and

today our relationships. Lord, we love

you. We praise you. We ask these things

in Jesus name. Amen.

Well, the fictional summer of 1940 was

going to be a time that changed our

lives forever because it was during that

summer that Noah ended up meeting Ally

for the very first time. Anybody in here

ever seen the notebook? Men, this is a

safe space. Just go ahead and get it out

there. I saw a little bit of like right

there. Good for you, man. Anyone else?

Any Let's do this. This is fun, guys.

You ever seen The Notebook? Only, guys?

Let's see. Okay, there we go. There we

go. Good for you guys. Good for you

guys. Some men in the room right here.

Yeah. All right. There's one in the back

here. It's great. Uh, if you haven't

seen it, The Notebook takes place in the

fictional town of Seabbrook, South

Carolina. And we see that in the

fictional summer of 1940, it was there

that Noah and Ally would both be

attending a summer carnival. And as they

were there, Noah ended up seeing Ally

for the very first time. And as he did,

he recognized that they are complete and

total strangers. That they had never

interacted with one another. And yet at

the same time, he found himself fixated

on this woman. But to make things really

complicated, she was there not only with

a group of friends, but also with a guy

that had brought her there on a date.

But Noah would not be dissuaded that he

found himself in a place where he was

more than curious about her. He was

captivated by her. And so in front of

this guy that brought her on a date and

her friend group, he walked right up to

her and said, "You want to go dance with

me?" To which she's like, "Uh, I don't

know. I don't." And she felt really

awkward because she was like, "I'm here

with this guy that brought me on a date,

but you're attractive, Ryan Gosling, and

so I don't really know what to do with

this." And so all of a sudden, she was

like, "Uh, I don't think I can. I really

want to, but I can't." And so she

decided that she would go and ride the

ferris wheel with this guy that had

brought her on this date. And as they

were riding the ferris wheel, Ryan

Gosling could not get out of his soul

this feeling that he needed to continue

to pursue this girl. And so as the

ferris wheel went to ground level, he

sprinted towards the chair that they

were in. Dove to insert himself in the

middle of them to now have three in this

twoerson chair. Put his arm around her

and said, "Are you sure you don't want

to go on a date with me?"

And as the ferris wheel continued to go

up and up and up, as fate would have it,

we see that as their chair reached the

pinnacle of where this ferris wheel

could actually go, the operator shut it

off right there because that's a safe

place to tell someone to get off. And he

said, "Noah, you need to come down from

there. It's not safe to have you up

there." And so Noah in that moment

decided that he would go out onto a

crossbar that was just above where

Alli's chair was with this date that she

was with. And he said, "Are you sure you

don't want to go on a date with me?" as

he was in a place where he could easily

plummet to his death. And Ally looked at

him and said, "No, I'm not going on a

date with you." And so he in that moment

ended up loosening his grip and was now

only holding on by one hand and in a

very very suave and yet somehow very

manipulative way decided to say to her,

"Ah, my hand's slipping. Are you sure

you don't want to go on a date with me?"

And she was like, "Fine, I'll go on a

date with you." And the guy that was

with Ally was like, "What?" And she was

like, "He's going to die." And so he was

like, "Nope, no favors. can't do favors,

but my hand's going to slip and I think

I'm going to die." And so in that

moment, Alli's like, "I'll go on a date

with you." And he said, "No, no favors."

And she said, "I want to go on a date

with you." And so, in a very cool way,

he just put his hand back up on the

crossbar and he said, "Geez, lady, I'll

go on a date with you."

And we see that from there, an epic

romance would blossom that would change

our lives forever, sweep generations off

their feet. And so, we saw that Ryan

Gosling, aka Noah, did something

interesting. He did not just want to

date or pursue this woman. He wanted to

do so with passion. That he was willing

to risk being maimed or seriously

injured in order to get a date with this

girl. He was down to maybe plummet to

his death. That we see that he would

risk public humiliation and rejection.

And in the process of that, he says it's

all worth it if I am harmed if I could

just have your hand and take you on a

date. that we see that he was willing to

scale a ferris wheel that was in motion

and you've been left on red. That he

finds himself in a place where he's

willing to go the distance. What do we

see with Ryan Gosling here? He is

committed and excited about the pursuit

of this woman. And we see that one day

after a very very strange couple of

situations and a long length of time,

she will also be interested. So what

happens is what we also see here in the

Song of Songs. There's a lot of

commitment and excitement. And you can

even hear it in the way that the verses

are written. You look at chapter 2:8 and

the woman says, "Listen, my love is

approaching. Look, here he comes,

leaping over the mountains, bounding

over the hills." Four things that we

need to know whenever it is we're in a

place where we're looking for someone we

could potentially marry. Or even for

those of us who are married, looking for

things that we're trying to continue in

our relationship that it might flourish.

What are the things that you're looking

for? Number one is that love moves. Love

moves.

What is it that you should know when

you're pursuing a potential marriage

with a person? Are they committed and

excited? Do you recognize that in

yourself? And do you recognize that in

them? Listen to this woman. She is

committed. What is she doing? She's

listening for this man. Where is he? I

can't wait to hear from him. And then

finally, she hears that he's

approaching. And what does she do? She

starts speaking in really brief staccato

sentences. She can't catch her breath.

She's like, "Look, he's approaching.

Look, he's here. I can't even take it.

I'm so excited." And so we see that as

she's saying that, what's happening with

this man? Is he just kind of like, no.

What's he doing? How's he pursuing her

with like a nonchalantness, a

casualness, being too cool? No. Which I

know that's the new thing. It's like the

cool thing to do is not care. Let me

tell you, the last thing that's going to

be cool in your marriage, like it's so

cool. My spouse doesn't care. That's not

going to be cool at all. And so we see

that he's not doing that. What is my man

doing? He's skipping like a man towards

his beloved.

He's leaping. He's bounding. He is

scaling what? Mountains and hills. He's

saying, "There is nothing. There is no

obstacle or object that could keep me

from overcoming them in order to get to

you, the woman that I love." And we see

that he is approaching her. And why is

he approaching her? What's going on

here? Well, what's going on is that he's

going to take her on a date. And so, we

see that she's been listening for him.

He's been leaping towards her. And in

the process of that, we see that they're

both recognizing we're committed and

excited about this. Let's go to dinner.

And there are some of us that could be

in the room where honestly you're going

committed and excited. Those are things

that I should be looking for. Isn't that

like the baseline? Like they're

committed and excited about this of

shouldn't you obviously have those

things? You'd be surprised.

So interesting. I'll talk to guys that

have been dating a girl even in this

church for like two months. I'm like,

"Man, what are you guys doing tonight?"

He's like, you know, taking the old ball

and chain out for dinner. And I'm like,

oh, ball and chain. You don't even know

her middle name. Two. You've been dating

two months. You don't even know who this

is. What do you mean ball and chain?

You're acting like she she's just like

this drag on your life already. And then

she comes into the picture and it's just

like, where are we going? Uh, and I'm

I'm like, why? Why are you irritated

with like you don't even know each

other? You want to insert kids into

this? You want to get real irritated?

Wait till it's like, hey, I need TO HAVE

A CONVERSATION. LIKE, NO. LIKE, THIS

this

when when they hang up, are you relieved

when dinner's canceled? Are you like,

"Oh, thank God."

Or do you find yourself in a place where

you're not just going, "I guess we've

invested so much in this. We need to

continue." But rather, you're going,

"Hey, hey, hey, we're committed and

excited. She is. He is." And we see that

it continues. Look at verse 9. The woman

says, "My love is like a gazelle or

young stag." That's Hebrew for, "My

man's a stud." And we see that it says

here, "See, he's standing behind our

wall, gazing through the windows,

peering through the lattice. He's doing

something really romantic, guys. Peeping

Tom is no, like that's not

it's just like, ah, he's being weird."

And uh he's not being so weird as what's

happening as he's listening or she's

listening, he's leaping, he's arrived,

he's like, "All right, babe. Let's go on

that date. I'm ready to go." And she's

like, "I'm glad you're ready. I'm not.

You know what I mean? Ever happened to

you?

Rookie mistake. He's like, "Dinner's at

7:00. It's 6:45." And she's like, "No,

dude. You got to tell her like dinner's

at 6:30 if you want to be there at

7:00." He doesn't know that yet. They're

new at this.

That's not gospel truth. That that is

called lying. That's just me just being

real with y'all. That we see here.

He's going, "Wait, where? I'm looking

for you. It's time." And she's like,

"Yeah, I'm still working on feeling

presentable, and you need to stay

outside and work on patience and the

fruits of the spirit while I get ready

for this." And so, we see that they're

going to run into some contention where

they're going to have to exercise

communication to flow towards the

destination of marriage, which is a good

place for us to remember. Dating,

dating is a process that you move

through. It's not a status that you sit

in. Dating is a process that you move

through. It's not a status that you sit

in. Our culture thinks dating is a

finish line when really it is a starting

line. It's not a status that you sit in

of just being like we just perpetually

have this boyfriend or girlfriend.

Rather, you are searching for a spouse.

That dating is the process of discerning

is marriage with this person a

possibility. It's an evaluation process.

It's not that status that you sit in.

Otherwise, you'll find yourself in a

place of stagnation. Stagnation. I've

used this example before and I'd use it

again because it fits aptly here. Uh, do

you understand that there's not much

difference between a swamp and a river?

There's not much difference between a

swamp and a river. And you might go,

"Well, there's some really discernable

differences between a swamp and a river,

Luke. I mean, a river's got a a clear

identifiable source." And we see that

it's flowing, that the water is fresh.

It's moving in a direction and towards a

destination. Whereas a swamp, you don't

have those things. There is no clear

discernable source that the water is not

really moving, if it's moving at all.

It's moving really slow. It's unhealthy.

It's reached a place of stagnation. It

stinks. But you know what's interesting

is that the difference between a swamp

and a river is not substance. It's

structure. That you recognize that a

swamp has no boundaries.

Whereas a river has banks. And where you

don't have boundaries, what you'll

recognize is that the water is not

moving in a direction towards a

destination, but where there are banks,

the water is moving in a direction and

towards a destination. So, let me ask

you, is your relationship feeling like a

swamp or a river? Does your relationship

feel like a swamp or a river? It's

funny. I'll have people that will come

up to me all the time and and they're

recognizing, hey, I'm in this process of

evaluation. And I know that in that

process of evaluation, there should be

good, strong banks and boundaries. And

as you find yourself navigating those

banks and boundaries, often times I'll

have people come up to me and be like,

"Man, the scriptures are just so brutal,

man. There's so many restrictions on

like directional, emotional, physical

intimacy that you can experience with a

person you're not married to. It's

tough." And I'm like, "Yeah, it's

tough."

But you recognize that where there is no

restriction, there's stagnation. Your

relationship's not deepening. It's just

kind of spreading. You don't know what

this is anymore. You don't really know

what's going on. It's just kind of like

together. But where you see that there

are restrictions, you'll recognize that

actually that water is fresh. It's

flowing. It's moving in a direction with

a destination. That actually

unrestricted dating doesn't deepen

intimacy. It delays clarity. And you'll

see that banks and boundaries, healthy

banks and boundaries, they don't slow

the relationship down. They allow it to

flow forward. That love moves. Love

moves. But the other thing we need to

recognize is that to have banks and

boundaries reveals our blind spots. That

namely physical restrictions help keep

you from having blind spots. I can't

tell you how many people in this church

I'll see they're dating. It's obvious

they can't stop holding each other's

hand. It's like to not hold each other's

hands would be like like it's just

they're always they're in the sermon

just holding each other's hands. I'm

like my hands would be sweating like

what are you doing? Like uh they just

sit on the same side of the table at the

restaurant. I'm like oh you guys

expecting anyone else? They're like nope

just us. And you're just like man

we got to go somewhere else babe. Uh

like you just see there there's all of

these things. They're posting about each

other constantly. They just talking

about each other like we are just

destined for marriage. Like thank you

babe. Thank you babe. And you're just

And then you show up one day and there's

just one of them.

And you're like, "Where'd that other

person go?

That's weird. There's not thing one and

thing two around."

And then you go and someone's like, "Oh,

you see they deleted all the pictures

and they're making weird posts online,

you know, like like working out a lot."

And uh, you know, just kind of like,

"What's going on?" And

then I'll go just I'm like I'll just

I'll just go ask him. I'm like, "Hey,

hey, where's so and so?

shaking shoulders, big tears.

Oh, they don't go here anymore because

we we tried. It didn't work. And so they

go to this church now and I got the

church in the divorce and I just don't

know. And I just like

got church and divorce. And and then you

start to realize, oh, there were some

physical boundaries crossed.

And because you feel the electricity of

touching each other's bodies, you can't

even think about anything else. Like

just you're just find yourself in a

place where like nothing makes sense

anymore. And you realize, I don't even

really know this person. When you cross

that boundary, all of a sudden you find

yourself in a place where it's like I

I'm not so interested in actually

getting to know you because all I'm

thinking about is intimacy with this

person that I know I can have without

any commitment. And so I don't I've

never asked you deep questions about

your life. I've never found ourselves

navigating difficult things together

that the way that we kind of work

through issues or talk through things is

we just don't. We just we just end up

touching each other's bodies, which

we're wired to do. And so it's

interesting studies have come out where

honestly, did you know that whenever

there's very distressing breakups in

relationships, it's not ever equated

with the duration of the relationship,

but rather the physical boundaries that

have been crossed. that our bodies were

made to chemically bond, which we'll

talk about in a couple of weeks when we

talk about sex. Yay. And we see that

that's a thing. We often like to equate

uh sex and cars with one another for

whatever reason. And it's easy to find

yourself with someone and as you feel

like you're inspecting the vehicle, you

find yourself in a place, you're like,

man, everything looks fine, but you

realize I I've never actually

inspected the engine that makes

everything run. How is this person? Do

they know the Lord Jesus Christ? What

are their dreams, desires, pains? I just

know that I like sleeping with them. And

for married folks in the room, too,

where are our banks and boundaries? This

is the problem with Christian

relationships, by the way. You grew up

in purity culture. You didn't have sex

with someone. So, it's it's actually you

didn't have sex with someone. And that

wasn't something that was used to make

sure that you had purity and could honor

the Lord Jesus. It just made you feel

like you were better than your peers.

Uh, and so you're just like, "I didn't

have sex without anyone." And you want

the whole world to know it. And then you

get married and then it's like you have

all the healthy banks and boundaries and

then it's just swamp.

It's just like we did it. And then you

start to realize, man, things used to be

like fresh and flowing and now it feels

like we're just kind of together.

And for the married folks in the room,

our banks and boundaries look a little

bit different, right? That you want to

recognize, hey, for us, what's your

communication look like? It's not just

what you say, it's how you say it.

Devotion to each other. setting up good

guard rails to make sure that we're

honoring our commitment to be faithful

to one another. Uh direction. Do you

have vision for your marriage and your

relationship? Are you just kind of like,

I don't know, one of us will die at some

point. Like, you know, what are you

doing?

Like, do we have intention? Is there

prioritization of each other or is it

just constantly like, I don't know, one

of our kids wants to do this and so I

guess that's what we're going to do.

It's what does it look like? You're not

just in a place. We drift. we drift and

banks and boundaries keep you moving in

a direction and towards a destination.

Right? Second thing that we need to know

is that love will mature. Love will

mature. Song of Songs chapter 2:es

10-12. Look at what the woman says. She

says, "My love calls to me." And then we

see that the man chimes in and says,

"Arise, my darling. Come away, my

beautiful one, for now the winter has

passed and the rain has ended and gone

away. The blossoms appear in the

countryside. The time of singing has

come and the turtle doves cooing is

heard in our land. What season is it,

ladies?

>> It's not a trick question.

You got it.

>> It's spring.

Thank you. It's spring. The birds are

flirting and flying. Bunnies are hopping

two by two. Squirrels chase each other

up trees. And you're like, "Why, God?"

Right?

Everyone but me. It's spring. Love is in

the air. And what do you see happening

here? He's calling to her. He's calling

to her and he's doing so in a way that's

going to be interesting. We've seen up

to this point in their relationship,

family and friends have been pretty

involved. They'll taper off a little bit

and they'll still be there, but we see

uh that they're a little bit less

involved in this moment. They're pairing

off. They're a little bit more

exclusive. And as they're being

exclusive here, uh we see that they're

going to have an opportunity to get to

know each other in a little bit more of

a private setting kind of for the first

time.

So notice that he calls to her. He's

calling to her. He's leading in asking

her to go out with him. And I think

that's significant for us to know

because overwhelming statistics would

indicate that no matter how liberated

our culture feels, women still

desperately desire that the man is going

to be the initiator. It's not the end of

the world if a girl does something that

indicates that she's interested in a

guy. But by and large, women like to be

initiated with. whether that's someone

that's dating or women that are in a

marriage with their husbands, right? And

so you'll notice though, how does he do

it? How does he do this, guys? He's

tender in the way that he does it. He's

tender in the way that he cares for her.

And what we're going to see is that he's

prepared with a plan.

He's prepared with a plan. He's prepared

with a plan. He's prepared with a plan.

You guys, did you get That's a good

thing to write down, guys. He's prepared

with a plan.

And so what happens is the man says,

"Arise, my darling. Come away, my

beautiful one. The winter's passed. The

rains have ended and gone away. The

blossoms appear in the countryside. The

time of singing has come. The turtle

doves couping is heard in our land. The

fig tree ripens its figs and the

blossoming vines give off their

fragrance. Arise my darling, come away

with me, my beautiful one." What's

happening is that uh their relationship

is budding and growing as their

environment is doing the same thing. And

we see that they're recognizing, hey,

this is going well. And so you'll notice

here that twice this man says, arise,

arise. And as he does, he he'll make

note of the fact that we see that there

are are blossoming vines, that the figs

are ripening. He's saying, "Hey, you

need to see that there's this

flourishing that's happening around us,

and there's this life-giving flourishing

that's also happening within us." And

then he's going to display communication

to her that signifies, hey, these are my

desires and these are my intentions.

This is what we're going to do. I've got

a plan. Notice what he doesn't do. He

doesn't say, arise, my love. Want to

watch Netflix or something? I don't know

what's you know, like what do you what

do you want to get into? Like he doesn't

do that. He's clear about his desires

and intentions with this girl. He

doesn't say, "Hey, I was thinking like

there's a game on tonight. like we

should hit a bar and I'll watch the game

and you can watch me watch it. Thoughts

on that? Like he he doesn't do that.

It doesn't matter how liberated society

feels ever.

They like guys when you've got a plan.

And I realize there are a lot of guys

that are like, "Hey, I'd like to ask a

woman out on a date." And statistically

speaking, we know that you're afraid to

do it. And so we don't really know what

to do from there. And and listen, watch

the way that he asks this woman on a

date. I'm about to give you a very

practical way to ask a woman on a date,

but watch the way that he does it. He's

tender with her. He cares for her. He's

got a plan with her and he makes her

feel safe. And you go, "Well, that's the

thing. I don't know how to make her feel

safe." How you make her feel safe? Is

you always give her an out. You always

give her an out. This is how you ask a

woman out.

Hi. Blank. Insert your name right there.

When I say blank, that's where you

insert your name. Hi, blank. My name is

blank. I know that we don't know each

other very well, but I'm going to be

honest with you. I saw you in the sea of

people, and I find you very attractive.

I thought you were beautiful. And so, I

just felt compelled to walk over here to

you today and say, I would love to take

you out on a date and go get coffee and

just get to hear your story. I don't

have any agenda other than just to get

to know you better. And so, I recognize

that this could feel very forward for

you in this moment. And so, I just want

you to understand, listen, it is okay if

you say no to me. I trust God with my

life. I trust God with your life. And if

this doesn't go beyond where we are in

this very moment, that's okay. I believe

that God has great things in store for

the both of us. I will tell you that I

have put my name and my number on this

piece of paper. And I'm going to give it

to you right now. And I want you to

understand that if you reach out to me,

I know that you're in a place where you

desire to be pursued. If you don't, I'll

know that you're not in a place where

you want to be pursued. I hope that you

have a wonderful day. Know that this has

been the highlight of mine. I look

forward to hearing from you. That's how

you do it. Right?

That's how you do it.

It's not that hard.

But we got guys out here that are like,

"I don't know what's up." It's like,

"Well, how'd you ask out?" It's like, "I

asked her for a Snapchat." And it's

like, "Dude, you're 23.

Get rid of Snapchat.

Get a job."

Like

got a Snapchat. What just tells me is

that you have unrestrained morality.

Like no.

I don't know what's going on.

So you're a grown man. He asked you for

a Snapchat. You just told her you're

unemployed. Like

you got to ask the question,

does dating you or you make for a better

us?

When you're with this person, does it

allow for the flourishing of life or the

withering of life? Is it promoting life

or poisoning life to be with this

person? I'll never forget the first time

that I dropped Lindsay off at the

airport. I had to work through some

things because I had to start to think,

how do I feel when I miss her? And I

dropped her off and I'm a guy, so I

struggled with my feelings and I was

like, "Huh,

I have every like I got my keys, my

wallet. I didn't forget it." Just kind

of circle the airport a couple times. I

don't

Is this love? Do I miss this girl? AH,

LIKE WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS? I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS. AH, do I have

to tell her? I don't know how to tell

her that. Ah, like I just I I got to

call a mentor. Like you just panicked.

Do you miss them?

Are they challenging you and encouraging

you in your spiritual walk? Which by the

way doesn't look like you guys having

quiet time together? Like like like

listen, you guys are Christians. You

know, you know that they're in a quiet

time, whatever that means, right? I

don't I don't have quiet time. I have

screaming matches with God. So I don't I

don't know what quiet time looks like

for y'all. But

how does that go? Are you watching

things and see I see budding and

blossoming in your life to where I'm

like I'm seeing the fruits of the

spirit. I'm seeing the way that you're

navigating certain things. I like what

I'm seeing. What you're starting to see

is that you're moving from just

recognizing, hey, we're compatible to,

hey, is there a maturity about you? Does

your relationship bud and mature? Does

your relationship start to blossom? It's

interesting. I had a girl come up to me

uh a couple weekends ago and she just

said something to me that I thought was

interesting. And she said, "Luke, I I

I've been feeling like I've had these

really great moments with God where I'm

on fire for God, and then I have these

moments where quite honestly, I'm just

like, where did that go? What's wrong

with me? Why did I lose it? I I How do

you get that back?" And I thought about

it for a moment after she left. And I

was like, you know,

our relationship with the Lord and our

relationship with our spouse is similar.

And you see that throughout the

scriptures. I think often times what we

attribute to love fading in a

relationship is actually that it's

maturing. It looks different. It's not

exactly like it used to be. But we live

in a world right now that loves

intensity

and doesn't really care for consistency.

And so everything is just like

lovebombing.

How do I show that I love this person?

We're constantly texting. We're

constantly calling. We sit on the same

side of the booth. Like we do all of

these different things, right? It's just

we constantly post about each other.

Interesting studies just came out that

show the more that you post about your

spouse or the more that you post about

the person that you with in that you're

with it indicates that you actually

have a worse relationship than people

that never do

because you're more interested in what I

think about your relationship and less

interested in the relationship itself.

Whereas people who don't post, you want

to know why they're not posting? Because

they're talking to each other. They're

not trying to figure out where do we get

a picture. It's like I'm not here for a

picture. I'm here to talk to you. Here

to ask you how you're doing. I I'm here

because I care about this. I don't care

what other people think about this. You

know who's not going to be there when

things go wrong? Them. How are you?

And you really want to find yourself in

a place where you're navigating. Hey,

how how does that look for us? The

greatest predictor of somebody's future

is their past.

How is it that you've seen them

navigating things in their life as

you've been in that process of

evaluation where you go, "Hey, I I'm

seeing the way that they're navigating

some controversial things here or when

they didn't get what they wanted here or

the way that they handled that. I like

what I'm seeing. There's a

Christlikeness, fruits of the spirit all

over the place. And even if they don't

have this intensity where it's like

every day they're reading 55 chapters of

the scriptures and like uh but they

don't ever miss more than two days in a

row. They're constantly after it.

They're there four days a week, 5 days a

week. I love what I'm seeing out of

them. Are you evaluating them in that

way? Because oftenimes we fall in love

with potential and not patterns.

What's the pattern of their life look

like? Third thing is this is that love

will be mindful. Love is mindful. Look

at what it says in verse 14. We see that

the man will say, "Arise, come with me,

my dove, in the cliffs of the rock, in

the crevices of the cliff. Let me see

your face. Let me hear your voice. for

your voice is sweet and your face is

lovely. We see that uh they're doing

this kind of weird game where she's been

like, "You know what you're like? You're

like a gazelle, young stag. You're just

such a stud." And now he's like, "You

know what you're kind of like? You're

kind of like a dove." Don't do that. Uh

by the way, don't be like, "What what

kind of animal do you think I am?" Don't

do that. Uh ju just what I think about

you. I think like just like man, horse

girl. Uh and so you you got to be

careful.

And so he's flipped the metaphor on her

and he he said, "You know, you're you're

like a you're like a dove."

And what he's saying is that um you're

up there in the crevices and the cliffs

of the rocks and the cliffs. You're in

these um high and inaccessible places.

What What is he doing here? He's doing

something interesting. He's requesting

of her to reveal more of her heart and

herself to him. And he says, "You're

like a dove. You're up there in the

rocks. I'm down here. I'm calling to you

to reveal more of your heart and self

with me. But then you notice that he's

tender in the way that he does it. He

invites and he waits. You know what he

doesn't do? He's like, "You're up there.

I'm down here. I'm going to get you." He

He doesn't do that.

He's complimented her. He's been

vulnerable with her. He He's He's been

tender with her. And now, as he invites

and waits, he wants to see, "Are you

willing to risk sharing more of yourself

with me?" And that's kind of the weird

thing about dating, right? Is that it's

very much risk and reward. It's show and

see. Uh and it can feel like initially

it's very low risk. That that's why you

like all the television shows first

seasons for the most part, right? It's

like very airy, fun. It's just like oo

like they like each other. They're like

all the things are very easy and fun.

And then like in season three or four

you're like, man, this got dark. It's

like yeah, because they're dealing with

like the sinfulness of each other's

souls. Uh and so you see that there's a

difficulty there. And so initially with

dating, it's kind of it's kind of like,

hey, um, what kind of music do you like?

What kind of TV shows do you like? Do

you like this one? No. Dealbreaker for

me. Like you just kind of weather do you

like it? It's very superficial. You're

you're looking at compatibility. And

then you move deeper into things like

dreams, desires, pains. What are those

things that have shaped your life that

have been difficult? And as that's

happening here, uh what you'll recognize

is that he he's being slow and you

should be slow in asking some of those

deeper questions. You don't lead with

those things, right? It's not like,

"Hey, what's your name?" And if you

could describe your sexual history in

one word, what would that be? Like, he

doesn't do that. You don't do that.

But rather, he recognizes, hey, I'm

asking you to risk being vulnerable here

with me. And that can be difficult. And

so he invites and he waits. And when

you're dating, you'll share both the

good and the bad. Dating at some point

becomes a season where you are not in a

place where honestly you're just trying

to evade difficult conversations. You

don't want to be partially known and

loved. You want to be fully known and

loved as a reflection of your heavenly

father. You're not trying to be like,

"Woo, if they knew that, this probably

not go well." No. And a lot of us can be

like, "Well, I'm afraid that if I share

that, then they'll forget about me. What

do I do if someone can't forgive me for

my past? You praise God that you didn't

end up with a person who wants God to

forgive them in Christ and yet at the

same point they don't want to forgive

anyone else. To find yourself in a place

where you are with someone who will not

forgive you for your past is someone

who's going to provide a very brutal

future for you. You don't want that. And

so you go, "Well, why are we even

mentioning this?" Because they're going

to navigate contention in their

relationship. It's going to be tough

here. And you go, "Well, how is it going

to be tough?" Well, you look at verse 15

and notice what the woman chimes in with

here. Catch the foxes for us. The little

foxes that ruin the vineyards for our

vineyards are in bloom. There's been a

lot of me, her, him words that have been

used. And now we see that she's saying,

"Catch the foxes for us." That our

vineyards are in bloom. And what you'll

recognize is that in their process of

evaluation, they're recognizing, oh,

we're committed,

I think, to seeing this through to

marriage. But as they're getting to that

place where they feel good about that

commitment, they're also realizing, hey,

our vineyard is in bloom. Things are

going places in this relationship. And

also, there are some threats that are

arising. There are some real threats.

And so, she says, catch the foxes for

us. What does that mean? Foxes in the

ancient world uh were notorious for

damaging vineyards. They were a common

nuisance uh that would oftentimes wait

for things to bloom and they would pick

the bud off the crop or they would often

even find themselves burying beneath the

vines trying to stay warm and then

digging things up at the roots killing

everything. So we see that she's saying,

"Hey, there are foxes in our

relationship. There are little things

that we haven't dealt with that are

threatening the health of this. And so

before they start picking off the buds,

we need to have conversations. we need

help about how it is that we're going to

navigate this. That the closer they get

to fully committing, they recognize

there are some real things that are

threatening. And it's interesting,

you'll notice here, uh, nothing feels

riskier than when you go to a place

where you're like, we're about to have a

conversation where there could be some

serious disagreement going on here. And

you recognize that the way they handle

it is when they reach a place of

contention, they don't find themselves

just kind of looking at each other like,

"Hey, you better figure your stuff out."

And it's like, "Well, you better figure

yours out, too." They they don't do

that. Rather, what happens is they call

on communal participation, catch the

foxes for us. That's a cry out to their

community, saying, "Hey, we're

navigating some difficult things that

we're disagreeing on. We need some

help." And so, the community will jump

in and help them navigate that. And I

think you need to understand, it's a

good thing to watch someone you're

interested in navigate disagreement.

It is a good thing to watch someone that

you're with witness how it is that they

navigate disagreement. You could see

that they could lash out in anger, that

they could shut you out and just shut

down. Which, by the way, it's easy to

moralize those. You'd be like, "Well,

anger's bad. Shutting down is not as

bad." Listen, after talking to countless

couples, one feels like you're being

stabbed, the other feels like you're

being strangled. Both result in death.

And so you've got to find out, hey, how

do you navigate this? And in our

culture, and society today, navigating

disagreement is a very big deal because

you don't know how someone handles these

things when many individuals in our

immature culture feel like an attack is

coming whenever they're being disagreed

with that. It's an attack on their

ideologies of some kind. Because

immature cultures don't understand

there's a difference between who you are

and what you think. And if you recognize

that Jesus Christ is central to your

identity, then you recognize we've got

the major right. We can navigate all of

the minor issues in our life as well.

And we see that they will. You want to

make sure that you're mindful of how it

is that you're navigating these things

in your lives that God might be joining

together. The fourth and final thing

that you need to recognize is that love

is motivated. It's motivated. Look at

verse 16 and 17. The woman says, "My

love is mine and I am his." He feeds

among the liies until the day breaks and

the shadows flee. Turn around, my love,

and be like a gazelle or a young stag on

the divided mountains. What's going on

here is that we see that the

relationship is progressing and it's

moving towards possessing that she's

his, he's hers. We're seeing that

there's that kind of language here that

as they're getting closer to committing,

they're discovering that there's good

communication even through contention,

that there's great care for one another.

And here's the thing,

she's excited about it. And so, you

notice there's this interesting language

like feed among the liies and then be

like a a stag on the divided mountains.

You're like, what's going on there? Uh,

and what you see is that uh in their

relationship, this is headed towards

marriage. And when she says, be like a

stag on the divided mountains, uh, it's

interesting that word divided mountains

there in your translation could be the

mountains of Bether might be what it

says. And it says that and it's weird

that it says that because there are no

mountains of bether in that region of

the world like none ever. So you go what

is that? And commentators have

discovered that actually that's a

transliteration of a translation that

actually means to cleave.

So what she's saying is uh I like the

way that we're navigating this

contention. I like this communication. I

like the tender care that you're showing

me. And I wouldn't mind if as we're

moving forward here, we're getting to a

place where you can be like a young stag

upon the divided mountains of cleavage.

She's like, I want this guy. And she,

just so that you're 100% clear, cuz you

guys clearly feel uncomfortable. Um,

she makes no bones about it. She says,

"Until the day breaks and the shadows

flee," which is Hebrew for all night

long. That's what she's saying.

She's like, "I want you with me all

night, but we're not married yet, so we

need to speed this thing up." And so, we

see that she says something uh a little

weird. You enter into chapter 3:es 1 and

two. Uh, and commentators will call this

the bride's dream. Uh, and this woman

will do something interesting. She says,

"In my bed at night, I sought the one I

love. I sought him but did not find him.

I will arise now and go about the city

through the streets and the plazas. I

will seek the one I love. I sought him

but did not find him."

Now,

she's finding herself in the middle of

the night going, "Man, I I love this

guy. I I truly want to be with this

guy."

And some commentators have debated if

she actually is now at this point just

like bursting out of her home in the

middle of the night and going to look

for this guy. But um it's almost certain

that that's not what happens because in

the ancient world, no woman is running

around the streets at night just

thinking this could go well. Uh that

would be dangerous. It'd be dangerous

today on many levels, but it certainly

would be dangerous for her here. And

she's recognizing he's initiated with

me. He's been tender, caring, and now I

want to run towards him. She's willing

to take the risk of saying, "I am

yours." She is longing for him, and the

longings are legitimate because he's a

good man. He's a good man with good

character who's tender, loving, kind,

and cares deeply for her well-being and

her flourishing. And I would just say to

you ladies, there are good guys out

there. They might not be 6'4, but

they're good guys. All right?

And she ends with something that's

really bizarre.

She says in verses 3-5, "The guards who

go about the city found me. I asked

them, 'Have you seen the one I love? I

had just passed them when I found the

one I love. I held on to him and would

not let him go until I brought him to my

mother's house, to the chamber of the

one who conceived me. Young women of

Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazels

and the wild dos of the field. Do not

stir up love until the appropriate

time." Now, it's decently clear that the

guards here uh are a metaphor for those

who guard her purity. There are people

in the community uh that have cared for

her in that way.

But she does something wildly

unattractive if you're a guy.

She says, "Uh, hey, I'm going to find

you." And when she does, she goes, "You

know what we should do? We should go to

my mom's house."

And he's like,

"Okay."

And she's like, "I got something I want

to show you." And he's like, "Okay." And

she's like, "I was conceived right

there."

And he's like,

Okay.

It sounds really like weird and sexual,

but it's not. Um,

what's happening

is she's like, "Hey, I'm I'm really into

you,

but there's one person I need to have a

final deep conversation with about this,

and it's my mom.

I want to talk to my mom.

And for many of us that are in the room,

this is true. And back then, it

certainly was true that a mother is a

safe space to

talk about the finer details of romance.

And she's saying, "I want to talk to my

mom. Say, "Mom, I think I I think I want

to marry this guy, and I think he's I

think he's close to proposing. Should I

commit to this guy? Do you see what I

see?" And her mom says, "Yes.

And so we see that in their evaluation

process, there's been character, there's

been connection, good communication,

even through contention and communal

approval.

And we see that it's

got them in a place where now they're

getting ready to head off to their

wedding day.

And I think for many of us and you were

like, that is great. That's great.

Uh but quite honestly um

I think for many of us this is this is

where we have some difficult things that

we have to wrestle with

is that whenever you think about if

you're single in here you think about

the devastation that's happened to you

or the things that you've done to others

that have caused harm or even those of

us that are married. Can't tell you how

many wounds people are dealing with from

previous relationships.

And I think it's very easy in the

conversation to find yourself caught up,

even if you've grown up in church. And

what you do is you kind of look at how

you stack up with other people.

And it's easy to be like, I'm better

than that. Uh, not so much there. And I

think we can miss we're not the

standard, man. We're not the standard.

That God's got a standard. And we've all

fallen short of the glory of God. And

it's easy to get very discouraged

when you witness people doing things

well and feeling like you haven't so

much. But the good news of the gospels

is that as we see a man is supposed to

live and die and serve his wife, as we

see that this man will leap and bound

over the mountains and the hills to get

to his beloved. The good news of the

gospel of Jesus Christ is that Jesus

Christ leapt and bounded across heaven

and earth to get to you.

And for many of us,

we might know that. For many of us, that

could be new news.

But the truth of the matter is

that Jesus Christ gave all of himself to

have all of you.

And I'm sure there are other individuals

that don't know the Lord, that have

decent marriages, but to what end?

There's a greater story at play in all

of our stories.

And we see that for many of us, the way

that you best navigate relationships is

by getting the most pivotal one right,

where you stand with the Lord.

And recognizing that you want someone

else who also recognizes that they've

fallen short. But because Jesus Christ

gave it all to have all of them,

there's an understanding going into the

relationship

that we're going to live together and

serve one another, outdo one another in

showing each other honor.

I said this in the last gathering. There

are many married couples that are even

in this room

who quite honestly you're much more

qualified to get up here and talk about

the things that we're talking about than

I am.

who can testify to the fact that after

30, 40, 50 years of marriage,

the thing that they got the most right

is that they know him. And where would

we be without him? How would we have

gotten through that? How is it that he

has been so kind to us in the midst of

all that we've gone through in this

life?

And so my challenge to you today is if

you don't know where you stand with the

Lord, change that. Surrender to him. I'm

going to give you an opportunity to do

it here today. And for the rest of us

that maybe feel like we're falling short

in where it is that we're at in the way

that we're pursuing others or even in

our marriages right now, just know the

altar's open.

Elders and pastors are ready to pray.

Our prayer team's ready to pray and meet

you where you are and remind you there's

a greater sto story at play. Don't give

up where you are

because he's got a lot left for you if

you can just fully surrender to him. And

so Lord, that's what we want

is to be a people that are after you and

your heart.

And Lord, I know that we have some

people in here that

for a multitude of different reasons

could have found themselves in this

room.

But Lord, I'm asking that for those that

are in here and they're like, you know

what? I want to do well at all of these

things in a relationship. I want to do

well

in even just leading myself well before

it is that I'm pursuing another person.

And Lord, would there just be

individuals in here that right now feel

the call to surrender to you? Feel you

calling out to them

the way that Solomon calls out to the

Schulomite woman.

And Lord, would there be a recognition

that

you're not just anyone calling out to

us,

but that the Lord Jesus Christ came down

to this earth and lived the perfect life

that we could not willingly die the

death that we deserved on the cross,

spilling his perfect, innocent blood.

That for those of us that repent of our

sins and place our faith in him, could

recognize that he was buried in a tomb

for three days and rose to life again.

And because Jesus Christ is alive, we

can have life in his name. Not looking

to all these immovable things in the

world for a safe space to try to figure

out who we are and what it is that we're

supposed to do, the reasons why we're

here, but rather look to you, Lord, in

whom we find all answers. Lord, for the

rest of us that are in the room,

would there be an understanding in here

of what it is that you've called us to

do? that we're not supposed to let our

foot off the gas or just all of a sudden

not care, but to rather honor you

with who we are and the people that are

in front of us that we would steward

relationships well to the end of your

glory. Lord, we love you. We praise you.

We ask these things in Jesus name.

Demands.