MARITAL CONFLICT | LUKE LEZON

All right. Well, welcome to Key Church,

everybody. How's everyone feeling? We

doing all right?

>> It is great to see you and to be here

with you all this morning. I am so

grateful that we are gathered together

in this house. And I'm grateful because

today we are continuing in our

collection of conversations that we have

been calling divine desire. Divine

Desire is a collection. It's a

discussion where we have been living in

and we have been learning from the Song

of Songs. and we've been addressing some

relatively controversial things like

dating, marriage, sex, and romance. And

we've recognized that while we're facing

substantial relational struggle, the

beautiful news is that we have a

scriptural solution that we're living in

a culture right now, regardless of your

age or your relational stage. We see

that people are longing for committed

love and at the same time losing their

confidence in their ability to find it,

have it, and keep it. And so just by way

of recapping where it is that we are and

how it is that we got there, we only

have two more weeks left in the Song of

Songs. I know especially after last

week, some of you are like, "Let's just

talk about it forever, but we got to

move on." Uh, and so let me just say uh

that where we are is that uh and again,

if you're a YouTube or podcast person, I

know that people have serious opinions

about that apparently about what is

better, but please go back, listen to

these, watch these that everything would

make sense. But we talked about how to

be a man of God and how to be a woman of

God. We talked about how not to date as

well as how to date. We talked about

singleness. We joined this couple on

their wedding day in celebration of the

commitment that they've made to one

another. And then last week we went

ahead and skipped the reception and went

straight to the wedding night and talked

about sex. And so now today we are

talking about marital conflict.

Oh yeah, who's pumped? And uh let me

just tell you, the Lord knows what he's

doing. We got one chapter on sex. We got

two on how to fight. Can I get a

witness? And so, uh, that is where we're

going to be today in Song of Songs 5

Song of Solomon 5:2

verse 2. Song of Songs chapter 5:2. We

got a lot of scripture to read. We're

going all the way through chapter 6:13.

Uh, I don't know why I just felt like

led to say this, too. Um, oftentimes our

how great is our um, band and the people

that uh, have been put together here.

And I think the vocalists always get

their love, but I was just so grateful

for our band. I mean, they are like

leading us into war. And so guys like

Jorge and Steve Tanaka and Brian

Treadwell and Kenny Casel and JW being

up here with us today is just amazing.

And so just grateful for those guys and

felt like it needed to be said for the

way that they've led us. Thank you guys

for how you lead and steward your gifts.

Uh, and thank you for making it easy to

talk about hard things. So, let's do

that together. Uh, we ready for the

word.

>> Song of Songs, chapter 5, beginning in

Song of Solomon 5 · chapter mention

verse two. The woman speaks sort of. She

says, "I was sleeping, but my heart was

awake. A sound. My love was knocking."

Man says, "Open to me, my sister, my

darling, my dove, my perfect one. For my

head is drenched with dew, my hair with

droplets of the night." The woman says,

"I have taken off my clothing. How can I

put it back on? I have washed my feet.

How can I get them dirty?" My love

thrust his hand through the opening, and

my feelings were stirred for him. I rose

to open for my love, and my hands

dripped with myrr. My fingers with

flowing myrr on the handles of the bolt.

I opened my love, but my love had turned

and gone away. My heart sank because he

had left. I sought him, but did not find

him. I called him, but he did not

answer. The guards who go about the city

found me. They beat me and wounded me.

They took my cloak from me. The

guardians of the walls, young women of

Jerusalem, I charge you. If you find my

love, tell him that I am lovesick. We

see that her friends would speak and

say, "What makes the one that you love

better than another, most beautiful of

women? What makes him better than

another that you would give us this

charge?" To which the woman says, "My

love is fit and strong, notable among

10,000. His head is purest gold. His

hair is wavy and black as a raven. His

eyes are like doves beside flowing

streams washed in milk and set like

jewels. His cheeks are like beds of

spice, mountains of perfume. His lips

are liies dripping with flowing myrr.

His arms are rods of gold set with

barrel. His body is an ivory panel

covered in lapis lazuli. His legs are

alabaster pillars set on pedestals of

pure gold. His presence is like Lebanon,

as majestic as the cedars. His mouth is

sweetness. He is absolutely desirable.

This is my love and this is my friend,

young women of Jerusalem. That's how my

wife talks about me every day when I

walk in. Just so we're clear. I'm just

like, man, alabaster. Here we go. Uh

young woman says, her friends go, "Where

has your love gone, most beautiful of

women? Which way has he turned? We will

seek him with you. Woman says, "My love

has gone down to his garden, the beds of

spices to feed in the gardens and gather

liies. I am my loves and my love is

mine. He feeds among the liies." To

which the man says, "You are as

beautiful as tears, my darling, lovely

as Jerusalem, all inspiring as an army

with banners. Turn your eyes away from

me, for they captivate me. Your hair is

like a flock of goats streaming down

from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock

of you coming up from washing, each one

having a twin and not one missing.

Praise God. Behind your veil, your brow

is like a slice of pomegranate. And

there are 60 queens and 80 concubines,

and young women without number. But my

dove, my virtuous one, is unique. She's

the She's the favorite of her mother,

perfect to the one who gave her birth.

Women see her and declare her fortunate.

Queens and concubines also, and they

sing her praises. Who is this who shines

like the dawn, as beautiful as the moon,

bright as the sun, all inspiring as an

army with banners? The woman says, 'I

came down to the walnut grove to see the

blossoms of the valley, to see if the

vines were budding and the pomegranates

blooming. I didn't know what was

happening to me. I felt like I was in a

chariot with a nobleman. Her friend

said, "Come back. Come back, Schulamite.

Come back. Come back that we may look at

you." And the man said, "How you gaze at

the Shulamite as you look at the dance

of the two camps." Let's pray together.

Uh well Lord, we're grateful for the

fact that uh you are doing something in

and through uh this church and your

people, but Lord, we are firm believers

that uh we want to be a people that have

strong families as well. And that begins

with the way that we're functioning in

our marriage. And Lord, that is

difficult. Uh Lord, you know that you

you put pen to paper here in your

sovereignty because you knew that we

would find ourselves in moments where we

would be dealing with marital tensions

and conflicts. And so, Father, would you

give us what it is that we need to

navigate those different, Lord? Even if

we handle things well, would you help us

to handle them better, Lord? Even if

we're in here and we found ourselves in

a place where we were fighting on the

way to church this morning, would you

give us what we need in order to come

together stronger than ever before?

Lord, we love you. We praise you. We ask

these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Well, I remember a little while ago now

uh that I found myself on a particular

day where I was running from meeting to

meeting to meeting to meeting to meeting

to meeting and it just felt like it was

never going to end. And I was really

looking forward to the reprieve of being

home with my family that evening and

spending some time uh with Lindsay and

the kids. But unfortunately and somewhat

fortunately, I ended up getting a call

on the way home from work. Uh, and it

was a call from someone that was telling

me about another friend that we both

knew that found themselves in a

particularly difficult place and that

somebody needed to have a very hard

conversation with them and that I had

somehow gotten tabbed as being the one

that should do that. And there was an

incredible amount of urgency that was

surrounding it. This needed to happen

tonight. And so I ended up going home

and I had about a brief hour window

there where I could play with the kids

and I could talk to Lindsay and she was

more than gracious about allowing me to

go and do this because it kind of comes

with the job sometimes. Uh, and so she

actually ended up asking me a question

though that is something that you would

have to know me really well in order to

ask. And so, uh, Lindsay knows that I

have this real struggle where I I don't

eat all day and I'll forget to eat. Uh,

eating is an inconvenience to me. I'm

not a foodie. Like, give me some chicken

tenders and some fries and let's ride

for the glory of God. And I I'm just

like, you know, but oftentimes I just

won't eat because there's a million

things that I got to do. And then I get

to the end of the day and I'm like

irritable and frustrated. I'm like, man,

what's going on? And she's like, have

you eaten? I'm like, no. She's like,

have Snickers. Uh, and I'm just like,

that's kind of the way that it goes. And

so I had gotten home and before I left,

she was like, "Hey, before you have a

hard conversation, have you eaten yet?"

And I was like, "No." So she made me

this quesadilla that I could bring with

me and eat on the way to have this hard

conversation. And so I'm in the middle

of having the conversation and I'm

feeling my phone buzz in my pocket. And

I wait until this person that I'm

talking to goes to use the restroom. And

I end up looking at my phone and I have

a text from Lindsay and she says, "How

is it?" And I said, "It's horrible. Uh,

it's not going well." Uh, and she and

she was like, "Oh, uh, I'm I'm sorry."

And I emphasized the message. And then I

said, "And then I said,"Yeah, it's not

good. We can talk later."

And I get a text that says dot dot dot.

Okay.

Well, listen. I mean, she's there alone

with the kids. I don't know what that's

like. It's probably crazy. Like, you

know, whatever. But, you know, this is

what we signed up for. She knows it's

going to be fine. But I go back home and

I walk across the front door of my home

and you know when you can like feel the

wrath of God in your house

and all the lights are on and she's

usually asleep. But I walk in, she's got

her feet kicked up on the kitchen table,

her arms folded and she is waiting for

me

and she says,

"How was your night?" And I was like,

"Uh, it was hard, but it ended up being

good. Why?" And she goes, "Well,

sorry you had a hard night and a

horrible dinner." And I was like, "A

horrible dinner?" I was like, "No." I

was like, "Dinner. Dinner was fine. What

are you talking about?" She said, "You

said it was horrible." And I was like,

"What? What are you talking about right

now?" To which SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU JUST"

AND then and then all of a sudden I

watch something started to click for her

that hadn't clicked yet for me. Feminine

applause. And we see that all of a

sudden she starts to crack a smile and

she starts bursting out laughing. And I

was like, "What is going on?" AND SHE

SAID, "I WAS ASKING YOU HOW THE

QUESADILLA IS, NOT HOW THE CONVERSATION

WAS. YOU SAID THE conversation was going

to BE HARD. WHY WOULD I ask you if

something's going to be difficult if I

already know it's going to be difficult?

Ask how the food was." And I was like,

"BECAUSE IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE THING ON

MY MIND. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M

NOT THINKING ABOUT I'M WONDERING if

she's thinking how the quesadilla was.

It's quesadilla. IT WAS GOOD. What are

you TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?" I'M LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN UP?" AND SHE JUST

SAID, "I STAYED UP TO TELL YOU I'M NEVER

MAKING FOOD FOR YOU AGAIN. WHAT IS WRONG

WITH YOU?" LIKE, and I was just

And we both ended up dying laughing

and fell asleep.

And I say that to you because we had hit

a crossroads of miscommunication that

could only be solved with better

communication and quicker female

intelligence than I was able to give in

that moment. Now, I say that to you

because people ask me all the time,

Luke, do godly men and women fight? Do

godly couples fight? Do you and Lindsay

fight? To which I, you know,

YEAH. LIKE, YEAH, for sure. And I think

for many of us, we know that that's

true. And yet, we feel a deep level of

shame in our own marriages when we're

dealing with that. And I think even when

we look at this couple, we can be like,

man, everything looks perfect for them.

I mean everything that goes wrong is

just like these people are like Disney.

Like what is going on? And yet we see

that they have had issues. If you go

back to Song of Songs chapter 2:15, you

will recall that in that moment there

was a a situation where they too were

dealing with the issue of some external

complications. And it says in verse 15,

"Catch the foxes for us, the little

foxes that ruin the vineyards, for our

vineyard is in bloom." That what we see

happening is that there was something

external they were dealing with. If you

recall, they called in the community to

help them deal with it. But now we see

that while they've faced external

issues, they also are going to have to

face some internal ones that are going

to be difficult to deal with and manage.

And so we look at verse two in Song of

Song of Solomon 5 · chapter mention

Songs chapter 5 and we see that the

woman is kind of having a a conversation

and we see that the man is certainly

trying to have one. Uh and the woman

says this, "I was sleeping but my heart

was awake. A sound, my love was

knocking." And the man says, 'Open to

me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my

perfect one. For my head is drenched

with dew and my hair with droplets of

the night.' Uh kind of confusing. We see

that she says that she was sleeping, but

her heart was awake. And so there have

been some commentators that have debated

like, is she dreaming or like what

exactly is going on here? I don't really

know. Uh but I would actually submit to

you that I think uh this is more so that

she has literally found herself in a

place where she's gotten ready for bed.

Her husband's been at work all day. She

hasn't heard from him. She's ready to be

like lights out and done with the day.

Uh, and she's somewhere between dozing

off and being fully asleep, but she's

still a little bit awake, wondering

where is he? Why is he out so late? And

so, it's interesting that we see that

all of a sudden as she is getting ready

to fall asleep, here comes her men home

from work. And he knocks on the door and

what does he say? He says, "Open to me.

Let me ask you, what do you think this

brother wants?"

It's not a trick question, but also

don't say it out loud. Do you understand

what I'm saying? like he is hoping for

some level of intimacy. He is knocking

on the door. He's been working hard all

day. He's coming home that night. And in

the process of it, you got to remember

my man has been scaling mountains,

ascending hills. He has made sure

there's no obstacle between them. He is

not knocking on the door at 11:00 p.m.

going, "Could I interest you in a board

game? I was thinking shoots and

ladders." NO, NO, NO. HE'S GOT ONE THING

ON HIS MIND. And as they find themselves

in this place, notice the language that

he'll use. He's using wedding night

language. He says, "Open to me, my

sister, my bride, my dove, my darling,

my perfect one." He is laying on the

compliments here. And as he's doing

that, you have to recognize like,

"Ladies, you would find that a little

suspicious, right?" Can you imagine if

your man took off work and said, "Hey,

tomorrow I was thinking that we could go

to Starbucks in the morning. There's a

book that you've wanted to read, and I I

know it's just always something kind of

getting in the way." And I just thought

just maybe an hour and a half

uninterrupted time and I'll just kind of

be there and if there's anything you

think I need to work on in our marriage,

you just stop what you're reading and

you say to me, "Hey, you got some things

you need to work on. I'll just be right

there." I was thinking after that, we'd

go to Target. Just think the house could

use some sprucing up and thought, you

know what, you deserve that. You deserve

to go and figure out what we need from

Target and not worry about the prices.

And then I was noticing we're kind of

low on Lululemon gear. Actually, no.

This is that's not really it. It's it's

it's aloe. We need aloe. This is the day

that Aloe has made. And so, let's go and

grab some of that. And then I was

thinking from there, like I've got a

pedicure schedule. don't have to do it.

But then there's lunch uh that I also

made sure that we're going to have time

for and you just pick the place and I'll

take care of the bill. You'd say, "What

did you do? What's going on? What's

wrong with you? Something something's

up." He's knocking on the door and he's

got water droplets from the night. He's

been out all day. He shows up at night.

He's put his music on shuffle on his way

home and it's been Barry White, Luther

Vandross, Marvin Gay. And he's like,

"What is SHE UP TO RIGHT NOW?" AND SO WE

see that he's knocking on the door and

she responds in verse three. What does

she say? She says, "I've taken off my

clothing. How can I put it back on? I've

washed my feet. How can I get them

dirty?" What we see here is that in

Hebrew, in the original language, uh

this is Hebrew for I have a headache and

my legs aren't shaved.

You know,

uh that here he's pulling up and he's

like, "What are you doing?" And she's

like, "Get out of here, son. I haven't

heard from you all day. What are you

talking about? What am I up to? I'm

almost asleep. Is what I'm up to. What

are you up to? Uh she's like, this is

this is not happening. This is not

happening. This is crazy talk from you

right now. They've hit a point of

miscommunication.

And we see that they're going to have to

figure out how do we navigate that. Ever

been there before?

>> Yeah. Some of you are like, we were

practicing this on the way here. Like,

yeah. No, I know exactly what you're

talking about. And so, what we see

though is that they're going to

demonstrate a couple of things that are

really helpful for us in the way that we

navigate this. And I think the first

thing that we see is that there's

hesitation in retaliation. Hesitation

and retaliation. Uh often times we are

misaligned in our marriages because of

some level of miscommunication. I

actually ended up taking some time to go

through all of these different uh

lawyers pages and different articles

about what the reasons are that people

end up fighting in their marriage and

they end up getting divorced even. And I

ended up synthesizing those down in chat

GPT until it gave me something that was

bite-sized enough to be able to preach

that in a short span of time. Uh, and so

it's interesting. There are are really

five major things that can end up giving

people problems that I think we need to

know here as well. And so, uh, when you

hear yours, say amen. If you can't say

amen, say ouch. Uh, and I think, uh,

what we understand though is that the

biggest one is miscommunication, the

communication issues in general. Uh, and

really that one could just underly all

of them. But I decided it's such a big

issue that you've got to put it number

one and make it that prevalent because

communication issues can underly

everything else, right? can mess with

the way that you talk about chores or

finances or sex, whatever it might be,

right? The second thing that we saw is

household responsibilities. If you're

someone that's been married for a long

time, you've probably sorted these

things out. If you're someone that's

newly married or wants to be married,

uh, then you probably have this uh weird

idea that you're just going to show up

in the marriage and everyone's just

going to do everything equally and we're

just going to be equal and just nobody's

going to have to do extra on certain

weeks. And we just got it. And it's just

like, no. uh like you watched your mom

do this and your dad do that or your mom

do that and your dad do this and you

have expectations of who's going to do

what and so cooking and cleaning don't

just happen someone has to do it who's

filing taxes what's the deal how are we

going to do this uh we also saw

parenting and children were a big one do

you want someone to stay home are we

talking about doing private school is

public school fine what what about uh

disciplining the kids like in at this

generation I think a good question is

like are we even going to discipline

them like what's the deal like how's

this going to work

uh with finances. It wasn't just

finances, but practices. It's not about

the amount of income that you make. More

people have a problem with the practices

that people demonstrate in their

marriage with the income that they

generate. And so, I think for many of

us, we understand like if you're

struggling to pay your mortgage, but

your husband comes home with the 57th

limited edition lightsaber, that's a

problem. Uh but then there are some of

us that hypothetically speaking don't

know how to say no to Amazon, right? Uh

that there are things that we can deal

with. Uh it the final thing was

expectations and values. that many of

our issues come from unmet or unrealized

expectations and things that really

shape our values where you go, hey, like

how much time are we going to spend with

your family or my family or any family?

What does that look like? Does someone

go to church here and someone goes to

church there and you disagree on God,

but you think it's all going to work

out? Uh like like what does that look

like in your life? Right? Here's the

deal. To be married is to understand

that we're going to have

miscommunication

and some unmet and unrealized

expectations. Can I get a witness? We

understand this. And yet, what's crazy

is I think whether you're a believer or

not, there seems to be this idea that to

be a believer is almost synonymous with

meaning that we're not going to struggle

as much as other people. We're not going

to have the same issues. And so then you

see that Christians will get married and

they find themselves going, "Wait a

minute. I I love them, but I don't like

them right now. I don't know what's

going on." that we're having issues with

each other, we're fighting, and then you

feel all of this shame because you're

going, "Wait, why are we dealing with

some of these things? I didn't realize

that we were going to have to work

through this." And listen, to be a

believer in Jesus is to understand, it's

not going to change what you go through.

It's going to change how you go through

it. To be a believer in Jesus does not

change what you go through, it changes

how you go through it. And I think often

times what can become us fighting with

each other needs to become us fighting

with each other. That it's not that

we're taking on issues with one another

so much as we're taking on issues

together. That we want to move from

being people that are quick to have some

kind of reaction and retaliation and

rather be a people of reconciliation and

restoration. Right? And so we see that

this couple is going to do that well.

And we see really that it's going to

start with them acknowledging that this

isn't just an external thing that

they're dealing with, but there are some

internal things in them, right? And

really that's not me just like throwing

something out there. That's James 4:1.

James 4:1

James chapter 4 verse one would say,

James 4 · chapter mention

"What causes quarrels and fights among

you? Don't they come from your passions

that wage war within you?" Which I love

how direct James is. He's like, "Hey,

let me ask a question and then because

you're not going to do it fast enough,

let me give you the answer." Uh he says,

"Hey, uh what is it that causes quarrels

and fights among you? Isn't it those

passions that wage war within you that

we're getting this indication that our

interpersonal struggles and our marital

struggles often come from the fact that

yes, we deal with things externally, but

there are things internally that we have

to work through with how we're dealing

with that, right? Uh and so I don't know

how you handle that, but I think a good

thing to know is what is your go-to? Uh

in in my marriage, it's funny. I am

fight and she is flight.

I'm just like, oh, there's an issue.

Boom. Let's tackle that right now. How

you doing? Let's do this. Come on. AND

SHE'S JUST LIKE WHOOP. NOPE. Like let's

let's do it in three weeks, you know? Uh

and we'll circle back to it at some

point, right? Uh and both are not good

if they're not handled properly. Uh some

of you, you're not fight or flight.

You're the worst. You're smack and run.

Like that's what you like to do, right?

You're just like whoop, poke the bear,

like you know, that's how you handle it.

And so you've got to know how is it that

I respond in the middle of this? What

are those internal things in me and the

way that I deal with tension in our

marriage and I love that regardless of

what their bend is, there's still

hesitation and retaliation. You see it

in verses four and five. She says, "My

love thrust his hand through the

opening." She's talking about the door,

talking about the lock that's on the

door. She says, "My feelings were

stirred for him. I rose to open for my

love. My hands dripped with myrr. My

fingers flowing with myrr on the handles

of the bolt that we see here. Uh she

hears her husband's hand at the door. Uh

and she didn't really want to get up

immediately and go see him, but then she

realizes, I don't want to miss him. Uh

and so she goes to the door, but he's

already gone. And she goes to touch uh

the h the door handle or the bolt on it,

and she realizes uh there's there's

something on it that there's myrr on her

hand. Now, myrrh is something that was

rather expensive. It was imported at

great cost from Arabia, and so it was

something that would be used kind of as

a perfume rather sparingly. But what's

interesting here is that he's not using

it as a perfume sparingly. We see that

her husband has anointed the boat with

this myrr. And that's interesting that

the door, the latch on the door, the

very thing that separated this couple in

this moment, what did her husband do? He

blessed it. He blessed it. That we see

that they have reached a place of

miscommunication.

She wants sleep. He wants sex. Tale as

old as time. And we see that in that

He's feeling all this rejection and she

waits a moment and then feels

reservations about the way that she has

handled this moment. And when he finds

himself in that moment of rejection and

she finds her going to meet him, all of

a sudden in that moment, she recognizes

that the very representation of his

rejection, that bolt that separated us

in this moment where he felt wounded, he

blessed. Now he's the king. He could

easily say, "Hey, I'm the king and

there's no locks in my kingdom, honey.

Open up this door." He doesn't do that.

But where he's hurting, he extends

blessing. That we see that this is a

demonstration of grace here. That he

doesn't retaliate in some way or take

this out on her, but rather he's gentle

in his response. And I think we see

demonstrations of this all throughout

scripture. Uh you look at 1 Peter 3:es 8

and 9. It says, "Finally, all of you be

like-minded and sympathetic. Love one

another. Be compassionate and humble.

Not paying back evil for evil or insult

for insult. Man, could we use that word

in this day? But on the contrary, giving

a blessing since you were called for

this so that you may inherit a blessing.

Easier said than done,

right? No, y'all got it. You good? You

know, you got it every time. You don't

even retaliate. One of y'all can get up

here and teach this then because here's

the deal. What we see is that this is

easier said than done. How can the Lord

say this? Cuz that's what he does with

us. That's exactly what he does with us.

We see with this husband where he's been

wounded, he's blessed, where he's

hurting, he extends anointing. There's

grace all over this. And we see in a

much greater way, and I'm not all of a

sudden going to make this an allegorical

interpretation of Song of Songs. But we

see that Jesus Christ demonstrates this

to us, that we see that Jesus took on

our sin, our rebellion, and our

retaliation against God. And we see that

he would be wounded that we might be

blessed. What did he do wrong? Nothing.

But he took this on himself that we

might be a people that are a bloodbought

people that understand when we repent of

our sins and place our faith in him that

he took on these wounds and made a way

to God when we had no business having

someone else coming to rescue us in the

midst of our story. But that's what the

Lord did. And we see that this husband

in a much less significant way extends

grace in his hesitation and retaliation.

The second thing that we see is that

there's initiation towards

reconciliation.

In verse six, you see that the woman

said, "I opened to my love, but my love

had turned and gone away. My heart sank

because he had left. I sought him but

did not find him. I called him but he

did not answer." And so we see that

she's going to initiate here. There's

initiation towards reconciliation.

Here's her husband's hand at the door.

realizes that she's missed him and now

there's this disconnection and distance

not just physically but also emotionally

and she does not like that. She is not

excited about that at all. I think we're

aware of the fact that whenever you're

facing any kind of conflict or marital

tension in your marriage, that is a

moment where things can easily end up

tearing you further apart or you can be

tender towards one another. They are

choosing reconciliation over retaliation

in this moment. And I think often times

whenever we're fighting with our spouse,

there can be this underlying thing in us

that feels like we need to be winning

and they need to be losing. And I think

we understand that winning and losing is

something that happens when you're

competing. But when you're submitting to

one another, we see that it's completely

different. You recognize I can be right

or I can be married.

I can be right or I can be married. And

that doesn't mean that you won't have

issues that you must resolve. Unresolved

issues often can end up becoming

unhealthy patterns. One of the worst

phrases in the world is that time heals

all wounds. Heals some. But the fact of

the matter is it can also harden some

old wounds and it can allow things to

fester and disease to spread. And so

they must be dealt with, but in a way to

where there's grace that we initiate in

reconciling with our spouse, not just

being like, "They better get over here

and apologize to me at some point." That

we want to both be good at reconciling

in that way. And I think we understand

that we all have different ways of

responding whenever we're wounded. Is it

bad if you need a moment? No. But you

got to be honest with yourself. Like,

are we passive aggressive?

No. Silent treatment.

or do we extend grace? And we see grace

all over this fight that they're dealing

with. And something really weird happens

in verse 7. Uh she says that the guards

who go about the city found me. They

beat me and wounded me. Then they took

my cloak from me, the guardians of the

walls. And some of us can be like,

"Whoa, whoa, I mean what's going on?"

Well, has someone just beaten up the

king's bride here? No. Uh because we you

would be dead that afternoon. So no,

that is not what's going on. There are a

lot of people that when we talk about

the watchmen, they think uh is that like

a dream sequence or something? And we've

seen uh some parts of that in other

places of Song of Songs, but really

what's happening here is that this isn't

so much probably a dream sequence, but

like her conscience um that she's

feeling insensitive in her part about

what landed them in this fight. Does she

have good reason to be like, "What are

you talking about, man? It's like 11 at

night and you just got home and I

haven't heard from you." Of course, but

she still feels insensitive about her

part and what's causing them separation.

And what we see is that she will end up

going back to familiar counsel that

we've heard a lot from in the Song of

Songs in verse 8. You notice this in

Song of Songs 5:8. She will go and she

Song of Solomon 5:8

will talk to her friends, young women of

Jerusalem. I charge you if you find my

love, tell him that I am lovesick.

She goes to her friends and says, "Hey,

we're we're dealing with a fight. I'm

trying to figure out how to navigate

that. Can you please help?" But really,

she actually charges them. She says, "I

charge you." uh charge in the original

language actually means to make a solemn

promise or vow uh that it would be an

oath that was established between two

parties and you would call on divine

power. you'd call on God to say, "Hey,

you see this? Hold us to this." She

says, "I charge you." And then she says,

"Because I'm lovesick." And loves sick,

I think, to us, can just sound like like

a bad Taylor Swift lyric or something

like that. And lovesick actually uh it's

worse than that. It really means to be

diseased or wounded by love with love

that she she's really going through it.

She calls on her friends. Friends are

really important. Do you understand

this? like like friends are a

unbelievably important part of our life

especially if they've got any kind of

margin to speak into your life and your

marriage and I think for many of us we

understand you do not get to choose your

family good bad ugly indifferent you

don't get to choose your family you do

get to choose your friends and there's

something beautiful about the title of

friend why because it's this

acknowledgement between one another hey

I chose you and you chose me and we said

let's walk together in this life the

good things and the hard things and so

she's going to this group that's not

just going encourager in her marriage

from the beginning, but continually is

around her even when they're dealing

with some conflict. And she says, "I

need you to be encouraging and I need

your understanding. I need your counsel

and I need your challenge. Can you speak

into this?" And we see that they'll

respond, but they do so in kind of an

interesting way that in verse 8 and n

she says, "Young women of Jerusalem, I

charge you. If you find my love, tell

him I'm lovesick." And her friends say,

"Well, what makes the one that you love

better than another most beautiful of

women? what makes him better than

another that you would give us this

charge. Uh which can sound really odd.

Um they've been really supportive up to

this point and now it can feel like

they've changed their tune here. Now

there some commentators that have

wondered and I think for some of us that

are familiar with King Solomon's story

and I'll address this more here later

on. We can go well we know that Solomon

would eventually become an adulterer.

Like as amazing as he sounds in the Song

of Songs, he's got his issues. He'll

eventually have 700 wives and 300

concubines. So,

you know, which that's crazy. Uh, but

and we'll address that. So, there are

some commentators that think, well,

maybe it's that her friends all of a

sudden are just out on Solomon because

they know that he's like other kings in

the ancient near east that would use

their power to just kind of be with

whatever woman they wanted to whenever

they wanted to. And I actually don't

know that that's the case here because

it wouldn't make sense for the story to

continue to unfold in chapters 7 and 8

the way that it does if that was the

case. uh but more so I think her friends

are being good friends here that we see

that they say hey remind us what do you

love about him what do you love about

him and I think that's significant for

us to understand because we see that the

third thing that we need to understand

in marital conflict is that we should

have a recollection of admiration for

our spouse a recollection of admiration

look at verse 10 they ask her they ask

her as this friend group hey what do you

love about him and then she launches

into this crazy monologue in verse 10

where she starts off and she says, "My

love is fit and strong, notable among

10,000." Listen, it's really easy when

you're in a fight with your spouse to be

focused on their flaws.

It's really easy. But I love that this

friend group comes alongside this woman

who's struggling in a conflict in her

marriage and rather than saying like,

"Yeah, he's the worst." That's not what

they do. But instead, they say, "Hey,

can you recall what you love about this

man? And could you tell us about him

again?

that rather than diminish one another's

strengths and elevate weaknesses, we see

that actually there's this reminder for

her of what it is that she loved about

this man and why she committed her life

to him. And I think that is one of the

things that can help be a guard against

the sinister lie of the enemy that would

have us in the midst of marital conflict

go, I wonder what someone else would be

like.

I did see that one person on Facebook

and I was I always kind of wondered.

Here's the thing. You can think that

it's going to work out with someone

else. You're just not close enough to

see the extent of their sinfulness.

It's not going to get better with

someone else. That we all have our

issues. And so we see here that her

friends say, "Tell us what you love

about him." Rather than continually dig

up what it is that he's done wrong. And

she'll do that. And we see that she will

do that in a crazy way. That she'll talk

about his appearance on an outward

level. and really his character on an

inward level. And she just starts off in

verses 11 and 12 and says, "His head is

the purest gold. His hair is wavy and

black as a raven. His eyes are like

doves beside flowing streams washed in

milk and set like jewels." And so when

she says that his head is the purest

gold, she's saying that uh he's he's

prized, he's valued, he's regal, he

carries himself like a king, not just

because he is a king, but he'd carry

himself like that anyway. He's the man.

But then we see that she'll say his hair

is wavy and black. There's nothing of

crazy theological depth there. She just

likes that my man's got these locks of

love right there. All right. Like she's

like, "Man, he's got those nice flowy

hair. G curly. He He's He's got nice

hair." All right. And then she says that

his eyes are like doves. They're

peaceful. They're gentle. But she also

says they're glistening like flowing

streams. That there's there's a shine to

them. And she says that the whites of

his eyes that they're that washed in

milk. Tommy Nelson, who's the best who

have ever preached this book. uh and

I'll never come close to it, made an

interesting observation. He actually

ended up saying that this is probably

saying that he hasn't been captivated by

substances of any kind, that the whites

of his eyes are clear, that his focus is

there. And then we see that she would

say, and they're set like jewels, which

is just to say that his eyes are in a

handsome place, that he doesn't look

like the guy from the Goonies or

anything, like everything looks correct.

All right? And so she goes in verses 13

and 14 and says, "His cheeks are like

beds of spice, mounds of perfume. His

lips are liies dripping with flowing

myrr. His arms are rods of gold set with

barrel. His body is an ivory panel

covered with lapis lazuli." She says his

cheeks are like spice and perfume.

There's a glow and a peel. She's

probably saying, "My man's beard smells

good." Uh she says that his lips are

flowing with myrr, which is to say that

his lips are desirable. You remember

that he said that about her last week,

that her lips are like a scarlet cord.

And now she's saying, "I like your lips,

too." that they're kind of having one of

these like, you know, moments, but

that's what's going on here. And then

she says, "His arms are like rods of

gold." She says, "My man is shredded."

Like some of the finer elements of this

world. And then she says, "His body is

an ivory panel, which means that his abs

still have some level of prominence. He

still hits the gym." And, you know, good

for that guy. You know, whatever. Like,

good for him.

Whatever.

We act. We don't know if that's what it

means. Who knows what it means? It's

fine.

Verse 15

says, "His legs are alabaster pillars

set on pedestals, pure goals. His

presence like Lebanon, majestic as the

cedars. His mouth is sweetness. He's

absolutely desirable. That is my love

and my friend. Legs are alabaster

pillars. He doesn't skip leg day.

Presents are cedars. We remember that

the cedars of Lebanon were the timber

that was used for the finest

constructions in the ancient world. You

ever met someone that they just have a

presence when they walk in the room?

They stand strong, tall. People just

kind of know if they're there. She's

saying, "My man is the man. He's him."

That every time he walks into a room,

people know that he's there. He's got

this presence about him. Says that his

mouth is sweetness. And this is talking

about character as well. She's already

talked about his lips. It wouldn't make

sense to then come back around and talk

about that. And so now she says his

mouth is sweetness. And the idea here is

that he's filled with wisdom.

I mean, Solomon wrote Song of Songs.

Obviously, he wrote Proverbs,

Ecclesiastes. There's wisdom, Solomon.

She says, "Finally,

you're my lover and my friend." And what

I love is she's demonstrated here, "This

man is powerful, but he's gentle with

me." She's not being overly sexual here,

but deeply, deeply, deeply respectful of

him. And notice that she's respectful of

her spouse in front of her friends.

She's respectful of her spouse in front

of her friends. And that goes both ways.

And so you see in verse one, her friends

say, "Where's your love gone, most

beautiful of women? Which way has he

turned? We will seek him with you." And

the woman says, "My love has gone down

to his garden, the beds of spice to feed

in the gardens and gather the liies. I

am my loves, and my love is mine. He

feeds among the liies." That her friends

have heard her talk about him outwardly

and how much she likes his abs and

stuff. And then we see that they've also

recognized the way that she's speaking

of his character.

And they say, "We'll get involved. You

haven't forgotten your vows that you've

made. You haven't forgotten the way that

you love this man." And then it gets

kind of interesting. They say, "All

right, where is he?" And she's like,

"He's in the garden." And they're like,

"Is he missing or not?"

And what's interesting is that when she

says he's gone down to the garden,

recall that she's often referred to her

uh body as a garden or a vineyard, but

also it's not just her body, it's also

been a picture of their intimacy and

their love that they share. So, what

she's really saying here is he's not

missing in the sense that he got in the

car and fled the house and I don't know

where he is and I can't find him. She

said he he's not dealing with this in

some kind of crazy immature way. She's

like, I know that he's just down in the

garden and he's probably going to be

making his way back towards me, but I

still need help in initiating

reconciliation towards him. I still need

help in recollection of admiration, but

I know that my love has not left us. And

I love that it says here that he's

feeding and he's gathering in this

garden when he's gathering liies. A lot

of scholars think that he's probably

putting together a bouquet to bring back

to her and say, "I'm sorry for the way

that I've handled this. I should have

been more thoughtful in the way that I

did." And I think there's good reason to

believe that because you will see the

way that he speaks to her in verse four.

The fourth and final thing that we need

to see in our conflicts is that there's

a demonstration of devotion. There's a

demonstration of devotion. Watch what he

says. He says, "You are as beautiful as

tears, my darling, lovely as Jerusalem,

all inspiring as an army with banners."

The pronoun changes. They've missed each

other all this time. And now he's

talking to her. He says, "You, you."

He says, "You are beautiful like tears,

loveliest Jerusalem." Tears is the most

beautiful city in the north. Jerusalem

the most lovely city in the south. And

he says, "Nothing compares to you.

Nothing compares to you." He says, "And

I'm not leaving you. I've been here, but

I was ready to make my way back to you."

Right? That they have found themselves

resolving this conflict by initiating

with one another, recalling what it is

that they admire about one another, and

demonstrating devotion. You see in

verses 5-7 that he say, "Turn your eyes

away from me, for they captivate me.

Your hair is like a flock of goats

streaming down from Gilead. Your teeth

are like a flock of you coming up from

washing, each one having a twin, not one

missing." Come on. Behind your veil,

your brow is like a slice of

pomegranate. We see that all of this is

wedding night language, right?

He said, "I chose you and I love you and

you chose me and you loved me. Our

devotion hasn't gone anywhere. I'm not

going to flee when there's trouble. I'm

right here. I'm right here. But we see

something kind of interesting in verses

8 and N when it says there are 60 queens

and 80 concubines and young women

without number. But my dove, my virtuous

one, is unique. She's a favorite of her

mother, perfect to the one who gave her

birth. Women see her and declare her

fortunate. Queens and concubines also,

and they sing her praises. Now, uh

Solomon will end up going off the rails

later on in his life. You can read all

about that in Kings and Chronicles. And

I think what we need to know is when

he's talking about queens and concubines

here, he's talking about like an

archetype of women. He he's saying that

there are regal noble women of wealth.

And he's saying and then there's uh the

hot concubine pretty much. And he's

saying, "And none of them compare to

you. Nobody is taking my eyes off you."

Now, there are some of us, and I've had

many people ask me this in the lobby,

over email, whatever, and been like,

"Hey, how can we listen to Song of

Songs?" And Solomon's giving this advice

when at the same time we know that he's

ultimately going to become an adulterer

and have 700 wives and 300 concubines.

Uh to which I would say to you that

scriptural authority is not based on an

author's perfection. Otherwise, you

don't have a Bible.

But we we are I think we're so wounded

as a culture when it comes to marriage

and relationships. This one hits

particularly hard and and I have grace

for that. Uh, but I do think it's

interesting. You could just layer that

all over the place. Have you ever lied

before?

You can participate in that one. You

ever lied before?

>> Yeah. Yeah. You're all liars, right? So,

so if you ever said anything truthful,

why should I believe you? You've lied

before. I mean, where where does it

start and stop?

I I think we could do this with other

people. You do this with King David,

right? And by the way, I'm not saying we

need to lower the bar on leadership

expectations, but you could do this with

King David.

Adulterer, murderer. He actually

murdered so he could be an adulterer.

How's that? What a combo.

Psalms are still bringing you peace in

the midst of your trials.

What about Peter?

You skip first first Peter.

We've read it here today.

Peter denied Christ. Are you really

going to listen to him tell you how to

follow him?

I mean, Paul, which for whatever reason,

we give Paul just like this unbelievable

pass. We're like, man, what a testimony.

He's out here killing folks left and

right, just killing all these people.

But God rescued him. Wow. And just like,

wait, what? He's killing people.

But he's telling you how to live for

God.

Don't have a problem with that.

Here's the thing. And a lot of

commentators, truth be told, believe

this is Solomon's first wife. I I would

tend to think so or it would be hard for

her to respond the way that she is. Lots

of scenarios. The other thing is that

when you're reading scripture, there are

things that are descriptive and

prescriptive. Just because it's being

described and historically accurate,

doesn't mean that that's saying, "Now

you go find a couple more wives." It's

not saying that. It's not making space

for that. It's not a command. It's not

prescriptive. It's descriptive.

And I think for us, here's the real flaw

for Solomon. And this is the flaw for

us.

I've met some incredible men and women

of wisdom that have completely tanked

their life.

And it's not because they weren't wise

or sharp or any of those things.

It's just that they had wisdom that was

admired and not obeyed.

And to know what to do and not do it is

not great.

So Solomon will fail, but not yet.

And we see that he says, "My dove, my

virtuous one, is unique. She's a

favorite of her mother, perfect to the

one who gave her birth. Women see her

and declare her fortunate. Queens and

concubines also they sing her praises."

He's saying, "In this moment, no one

compares to you." He said, "I'm not

fleeing to this type of person or that

type of person." He said, "I didn't

redownload an app. I didn't go call an

ex.

I didn't go see what that person at work

is up to." even though we're not in the

same department and just kind of like

make eyes and they walk. I didn't do

that. It's like I'm here for you, not

leaving you.

And you see in verse 113,

the woman says, "I came down to the

walnut grove to see the blossoms of the

valley to see if the vines were budding

and the pomegranates blooming." She's

saying, "I came to see if everything was

all right, and I didn't know what was

happening to me. I felt like I was in a

chariot with the noblemen." And her

friend group says, "Come back. Come

back, Shulamite. Come back. Come back

that we may look at you." They want to

keep spending time with her. She's

married and so it can be more difficult

to find your time with friends and they

still want to spend time. And I love

this. Her husband will end up jumping in

and he says, "How you gaze at the

Shulamite as you look at the dance of

the two camps." Uh, which could be

particularly risque. So, I'll just say

it like this. He says, "Hey, hey, hey,

hey, thanks for helping find her,

but we're going to go makeup.

Have a good day."

We'll talk about that more next week.

Listen,

uh my

prayer going into this time was this.

Everyone fights. Nobody knows how to

talk about it. And we in particular are

the worst at it in church.

And we got to get a handle on it.

That we would get to a place where we

would say, "This is my lover and this is

my friend. would love to walk around and

be a part of a church where we get

closer and closer to being able to say

that every week. This is my lover and

this is my friend. And some of you are

really going through it.

And the best thing you could do is find

yourself with your arm around one

another holding hands, praying as we

worship.

So we need to push the Lord more to the

center of this thing, man.

hesitation and retaliation, initiation

towards reconciliation, recollection of

admiration, demonstration of devotion.

I'm here. Some of you need to come down

to the altar.

Not because there's anything special

about the altar. You can meet the Lord

just as much up there as you can down

here. But there is something significant

about finding yourself walking in a

vulnerable vulnerable place and saying,

"I need you, God, because things are on

the rocks.

God in Christ worked towards us with no

good reason to do so on our end. We

rebelled. We retaliated against God. And

yet

Jesus Christ took on the wounds to make

a way for us that we might be brought

into the family for those of us that

repent of our sins and place our faith

in him.

And so what would keep us from being

flawed individuals facing a myriad of

different issues? some more complicated

than others

to say, you know what? I'm going to work

my way towards the one that I pledged

vows to on that incredible day.

That we might see God at work

in ways that are difficult to describe.

That we might walk in here next week and

say, "You're my lover. You're my

friend." And I'm so glad that God

brought us together to build a life for

such a time as this. strong marriages,

strong families, salt and light in our

community and in this world that would

change Windermir, Orlando, the nation

and the world for the glory of Jesus

Christ. God, that's what we want. That's

what we want.

Uh and Lord, easier said than done. I

think that could be one sentence for the

whole our whole time together.

Uh, and Lord, I just ask that you would

place boldness in the hearts of couples

to acknowledge need, need of you, desire

for one another,

Lord. And would you allow us to come

alongside people as a church,

not to shame them, strengthen them like

the Shulamites friends that we might

say, "Hey,

tell us what you love about them. Tell

us how God's been at work in your life.

Lord, would we have testimonies of that

walking out of this place?

Lord, we love you. We trust you. We ask

these things in Jesus name. Amen.