Singleness and Dating

Several years ago, the New York Times ran an article,

Unmarried Pastor Seeking a Job Sees Bias.

It chronicled the lives of several single evangelical pastors

who struggled to find employment.

And it noted several reasons for this,

and one of them was that churches often have unspoken expectations

for the pastor's family members.

So, for example, expecting the pastor's wife to be an unpaid employee

who plays the piano for the church and runs the children's ministry.

So that would obviously be an advantage for a married pastor.

So that's one reason it noted.

But the most reasons that it noted are what it called,

quote, irrational fears.

That a single pastor cannot counsel a mostly married flock.

That he might sow turmoil by flirting with a church member.

Or that he might be gay.

So those are the reasons they quoted for why churches were afraid to hire a single pastor.

And this article probably overplays the so-called bias a little bit.

But nevertheless, I think it points to a real discomfort

that there is with singleness in churches.

And frequently, there's an assumption in churches that singles want to get married.

If you're single, you must want to get married.

And then an expectation that if they have the opportunity that they will get married.

And a presumption that if they don't get married before a reasonable age,

that there is something deficient about them.

You guys have probably, some of you have probably experienced this.

And this unfortunate situation stems from an unbiblical view of singleness and marriage.

And it's a significant deviation, actually,

from the way the church has historically treated these issues and treated singles.

And so this passage offers a much-needed corrective here in 1 Corinthians 7, 25-40,

where Paul teaches us that singleness is a blessing from God in which we can please the Lord.

And the main three points that I want to highlight is verses 25-28.

It talks about the principle of singleness.

And verses 29-35 about the rationale for singleness.

And then verses 36-40 about the exception to singleness.

So principle, rationale, and exception.

And Paul begins this passage with the phrase in verse 25,

Now concerning the betrothed,

which is a helpful marker to indicate a new topic,

because this is now the second time Paul has used this phrase.

He said earlier in chapter 7, verse 1,

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote,

it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.

And then he proceeded to deal with the issue of sexual relations within marriage

and about whether or not married Christians get divorced

so that they could avoid the sexual temptation and have practiced abstinence.

And Paul's response on both counts was no,

that people who are married should give each other their conjugal rights

and that people who are married should stay married and not divorce.

So in that section when he said,

Now concerning such and such,

he addressed that matter in that passage.

And now he's turning to the issue of singles.

In instance, Paul says betrothed,

which literally means virgins.

And it specifically refers to singles who are engaged,

basically have someone in their life that they're about to get married.

And remember that the Corinthians,

just remember the Corinthian context,

that they had an unbiblically low view of the body.

So some of the Corinthians were saying that it doesn't matter what you do with your body,

so do whatever you want with it.

Go commit sexual immorality.

That's fine.

And the other part,

other segment of the Corinthians believers were saying,

Well, since the body doesn't matter at all,

we shouldn't have anything to do with it.

Don't have any sex.

Don't even have sex in marriage.

Get divorced so that you don't have to be tempted to it.

So that's the kind of view that the Corinthians had.

And it seems from the context of this passage

that some of the people in some of these factions in the Corinthian church

were pressuring people,

singles who were engaged,

to not marry.

Saying,

Well, you're engaged.

Well, you shouldn't marry

because then you're going to have to have these things to do with the body,

have sexual relations.

That's not good.

It doesn't tend to spiritual things.

So you should stay betrothed.

You should not marry.

So they're applying those kind of pressures to them.

And even it seems from verse 28 and verse 36

that they were calling it sinful to marry.

If you're single, you're not married yet.

You shouldn't marry because to do so is sinful.

And so Paul seems to hear explicitly and forcefully

and repeatedly denies that,

saying that it is not sinful for a betrothed person

to go through with the marriage.

And so that's really the issue he's turning to

when he says,

Now concerning the betrothed,

he's addressing singles or engaged singles particularly.

And he continues in verse 25.

Concerning the betrothed,

I have no command from the Lord,

but I give my judgment

as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy.

So earlier in chapter 7, 12 to 13,

Paul said,

To the rest I say,

parentheses,

I, not the Lord,

that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever

and she consents to live with him,

he should not divorce her.

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever

and he consents to live with her,

she should not divorce him.

So the reason why Paul added that qualification,

I, not the Lord,

in that instance,

was not to diminish the authoritativeness of his teaching

by saying,

Oh, this is just my personal opinion,

but to indicate that he wasn't relaying

a direct teaching of the Lord Jesus

as he was doing earlier

when he was talking about

how Christian couples should not divorce

and that even if they do,

that they should not remarry.

So he'd say in that case,

he was relaying a direct teaching of the Lord,

but on this case,

he was not.

So he says,

I, not the Lord, right?

So he's kind of doing a similar thing here

when he says that I don't have a command from the Lord,

I don't have a direct teaching from Jesus,

but I do give my judgment

as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy, right?

This is not just a throwaway opinion.

This is his judgment that the Corinthians asked for,

his apostolic judgment,

his judgment inspired by the Spirit,

and he's saying,

this is my judgment

as someone who by the Lord's mercy

is trustworthy

and he's about to tell us what his judgment is.

And it's amazing how he puts that, right?

So it's by the Lord's mercy that he's trustworthy,

that he can say anything that's trustworthy to these people.

It's because of the Lord's mercy,

not because of his intrinsic merit or quality.

So that's Paul,

because of God's mercy is trustworthy

and now he's gonna give us his judgment

in verses 26 to 27.

Read that with me.

I think that in view of the present distress,

it is good for a person to remain as he is.

Are you bound to a wife?

Do not seek to be free.

Are you free from a wife?

Do not seek a wife, right?

So this is where we find the principle of singleness

for the betrothed.

Those who are single should remain as they are.

And it's really the counterpart that mirrors

what he said earlier,

that those who are married should stay married.

Now he's saying those who are single should stay single.

And Paul offers a brief preview of his rationale for it

when he says,

in view of the present distress,

it is good for a person to remain as he is.

So the word that's translated distress here

literally means compulsion or a necessity.

It's the exact same word that is translated

in verse 37 of the same chapter as necessity.

So when it says,

whoever is firmly established in his heart,

being under no necessity,

but having his desire under control

and has determined this in his heart

to keep her as his betrothed,

he will do well.

So that's the same word.

So it refers to a situation

that brings some kind of compelling force to it.

So a situation that we cannot escape,

therefore with which we must cope

because we can't leave it.

So we might translate it to present exigencies

or the current pressing situation.

So because of the current pressing situation,

those who are single should remain as they are.

And the word present offers us another clue

as to the intended meaning of the word distress.

It's a distress, a necessity, a present situation

that characterizes the present,

the time we're in now.

And in verse 28, Paul says,

but if you do marry, you have not sinned.

And if a betrothed woman marries,

she has not sinned.

Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles.

And I would spare you that, right?

The phrase worldly troubles is in the Greek,

literally the troubles of the flesh

and refers to the anxieties and the stresses

that married people experience

by virtue of their fleshly and worldly existence

here and now, right?

So in light of these present pressing situations,

in light of our present existence in the flesh,

in this world,

it is good for a person to remain as he is.

Or as the Bible commentator, Leon Morris puts it,

when high seas are raging,

it is no time for changing ships.

That's basically what Paul's saying.

As Paul says later in verse 31,

the present form of this world is passing away.

So there's no reason then to make such a big deal

of marriage or singleness

as if those things determined our ability

to serve God and follow him.

Paul's principle is essentially the same

as what he taught in the previous passage,

namely that we can fulfill our Christian calling

no matter what condition we're in,

no matter what situation we're in.

Whether we're circumcised or uncircumcised,

whether we're free or enslaved.

So likewise here, Paul says in verse 27,

are you bound to a wife?

Do not seek to be free.

Are you free from a wife?

Do not seek a wife.

Because this present distress characterizes

the lives of all believers who live between two worlds.

Because it characterizes this present passing world,

we shouldn't be so invested in these things.

Now we can remain as we are.

So that's the principle that those who are not yet married

are to live by.

It is good for a person to remain as he is.

It's good to remain single.

So on this point, Paul agrees with the Corinthians.

But his enforcement of it is different

because he says it's not sinful to marry

while the Corinthians are saying that it's sinful to marry.

And Paul's theological reason for this principle is different.

But the principle that it's good to remain as they are

is the same.

But Paul is aware of the Corinthian tendency,

as I mentioned, to really codify this principle,

this general rule into a law that everybody has to observe.

So Paul adds a sharp qualification in verse 28.

He says,

But if you do marry, you have not sinned.

And if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned.

Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles,

and I would spare you that.

While it is good for a single man or woman to remain single,

it is decidedly not sinful for him or her to marry.

Then Paul adds the reason why he is really encouraging singleness,

and that he says,

And that serves really as the transition to verses 29 to 35,

where Paul offers us the rationale for singleness.

So let's turn to that.

He says in verse 29,

That's helpful, right?

So if what he said up to this point has been confusing to you,

Paul is about to explain it to us.

This is what I mean, brothers.

Verses 25 to 28.

In view of the present distress,

it is good for a person to remain in years.

That's what he is explaining now.

Those who marry will have worldly troubles.

What does that mean?

That's what he is explaining now.

And this is his rationale.

The appointed time has grown very short.

The appointed time refers to the second coming of Christ,

and the day of judgment.

And Paul is saying that the appointed time is imminent.

Paul also speaks of this in Acts 17, 32-31.

He says,

The times of ignorance God overlooked,

but now he commands all people everywhere to repent,

because he has fixed a day

on which he will judge the world in righteousness

by a man whom he has appointed.

And of this he has given assurance to all

by raising him from the dead.

So the end of the world as we know it is imminent.

Not in the sense that the hourglass

is about to run out of sand necessarily,

but in the sense that the hourglass

has been turned over

and that the clock is ticking.

Our life here, we're on the clock now.

The appointed time is impending,

and it's making unavoidable progress

toward its fulfillment.

If you think about it this way,

it's impending in a similar way

that our death is impending.

I mean, our death is imminent, right?

Sorry to break it to you,

but the death,

not in the sense that you're about to die tomorrow

or next week,

but that death is surely coming.

And in light of the context of history

and about our life,

it's really, really short.

Time is short,

and our death is coming,

and we have to live in light of it.

And that's what Paul is telling us here,

that it's fast approaching.

The finish line is now visible.

The end is in sight,

because the life, death, resurrection,

and ascension of Jesus Christ

has signaled, has marked,

has fixed the end of the age.

It's the beginning of the end of the age.

And because of that,

Paul says,

the appointed time has grown very short.

And then in verses 30 to 31,

Paul offers us a series of examples

that illustrate the application of this principle.

Read with me.

I just noticed the light flickering,

but I don't want you guys to ignore it.

Think of it as it's nearing the end of the age,

and this is what this passage is all about.

And now,

in this principle,

so he's illustrating,

so it'd be a mistake

if we took these illustrations

that he gave us here

and applied it literally,

because that would be,

that would mean that husbands who have wives

should ignore their wives,

neglect them,

and live like their wives don't exist, right?

That would mean that you're really sad

and you're mourning,

and then you act like you're not sad,

you're not mourning, right?

I mean, that's not what Paul is saying.

He's not saying when you own things,

you purchase,

don't act like you don't have them,

don't use them.

That's not what Paul is saying.

These illustrations are here

to demonstrate a principle,

to demonstrate a point

that he wants to make,

because, in fact,

if you applied it literally,

it would directly contradict

what he just said.

He said,

let those,

when he says,

let those who have wives

live as though they had none,

right,

if that would directly,

if we did that literally,

that would directly contradict

what he said in the preceding passage

when he gave,

told husbands and wives

to give each other

their conjugal rights.

And not only that,

he says in the following section

that the married man

is anxious about worldly things,

how to please his wife.

That's how a married man should be,

anxious to please his wife.

And so Paul's not saying,

live as if you don't have your spouses.

It's not supposed to be

pressed into literal detail,

but rather the principle

that he's asserting is this,

since Christians have been

time stamped with eternity,

we should not accord

ultimate significance

to worldly things

that have expiration dates on them.

Marriage has an expiration date on it.

So don't act as if that marriage

is what defines you

and gives you ultimate significance

and meaning.

Live as if that's from,

that ultimate significance

comes from the Lord alone.

Like it's,

you would,

if you knew that you had

one year left to live

because you have terminal cancer,

I mean,

you would undoubtedly live differently,

right?

Christians who have seen

the last day

live with clarity,

live today with urgency,

right?

We're to live this day

in light of that day.

That's what Paul

is trying to teach us.

That doesn't mean

we seek to escape the world

or detach ourselves

from the world.

We still marry,

we still mourn,

we still rejoice,

we still buy things,

and we still deal with the world

like the rest of humanity,

but we must not give

ultimate significance

to these things.

We deal with the world,

but we're not defined by it

as people who are in the world,

but not of it.

We live with awareness

of the present distress,

the present exigencies

that characterize life

between two worlds.

So that means

whether we are circumcised

or uncircumcised,

whether free or enslaved,

whether we are single

or married,

we are to remain

as we are

and live

as if we are not.

That means

if you're married,

you shouldn't look

to your husband

or wife

for your ultimate sense

of self-worth

and fulfillment.

That means

if you're single,

you shouldn't be desperate

for a boyfriend

or a girlfriend

or a husband

or a wife

as if he or she

can be your savior

and imbue your life

with meaning

and significance.

If we look to men

for such fulfillment,

we will invariably

be disappointed.

We are people

who are defined

by our heavenward call,

not by our earthly circumstances.

Only God

can provide ultimate meaning.

Only God

can provide eternal security

and that's Paul's rationale

for why singles

should remain singles.

For the present form

of this world

is passing away.

And then in verses 32-34,

he provides

a little more detail.

He says,

I want you to be free

from anxieties.

The unmarried man

is anxious

about the things

of the Lord,

how to please the Lord,

but the married man

is anxious

about worldly things,

how to please his wife,

and his interests

are divided.

And the unmarried

or betrothed woman

is anxious

about the things

of the Lord,

how to be holy

in body and spirit,

but the married woman

is anxious

about worldly things,

how to please

her husband.

So Paul's not here

speaking about

sinful anxiety

because he's saying

that the unmarried man

is anxious

about the things

of the Lord,

how to please the Lord.

So that's not sinful.

It's the way

it should be.

It's a good thing

to be anxious

about the things

of the Lord

and wanting to please him.

So he's not talking

about sinful anxiety,

but a proper concern

that we ought to have

with things

regarding which

we will be accountable

to God.

And the truth of the matter

is the married man

is anxious

about worldly things,

how to please his wife.

And his interests

are divided.

And the married woman

is anxious

about worldly things,

how to please

her husband.

If you are married

and you're not anxious

about how to please

your wife

or please your husband,

then you're not living

in marriage

as you should be.

You should be anxious

about those things.

And this is the reality.

For this reason,

Paul wants those

who can remain single

to do so

in order that they

might be free

from these particular

anxieties that attend

to marriage.

And here,

notice that Paul

separately addresses

the unmarried

and the betrothed.

So that confirms

our early interpretation

from the preceding passage

that the unmarried people

refer to demarried people.

So people who are now

single but who were

once married.

And the betrothed

are people who were

never married.

So they've been

their virgins.

And so he's addressing

both here.

And in view of

the present distress,

the things of this world

can easily entangle us.

And when we get married,

these worldly troubles

are compounded

because now,

not only are we anxious

to please the Lord,

we must also be anxious

about worldly things,

how to please

our respective spouses.

When we marry,

even if it's

to a fellow believer,

our interests are

in a real way

divided.

So that's why

Paul writes

in verse 35,

I say this

for your own benefit,

not to lay any

restraint upon you,

but to promote

good order

and to secure

your undivided

devotion to the Lord.

But in contrast

to the Corinthians,

Paul's not willing

to elevate

this general principle

into law.

So he adds

that he's saying

this for their benefit,

not to lay

any restraint

upon them.

Right?

The phrase

lay any restraint

is a translation

of a metaphorical expression

that literally means

to throw a news

upon someone's neck,

to throw a news upon.

So Paul's saying

that his principle

of singleness

is for their benefit.

It's not supposed

to be interpreted

legalistically

as a news

around your neck.

So don't feel

like legally bound

to it.

Don't let it be

something,

it's not a requirement,

it's something

that's helpful.

It's an advice

that's salutary,

it's not necessary.

That's the principle

of singleness.

And I want you guys

to really think about this

for a minute

because this is probably

not how you have,

you're used to thinking

about marriage

and singleness.

It's definitely

counter-cultural.

And so let it sink in

because it's unusual.

Because usually

the way we think about it

is it's okay

to stay single.

Of course you don't

have to marry,

but it's certainly

better to marry.

That's how we typically

think about marriage

and singleness,

isn't it?

But Paul teaches

that while it's fine

to marry,

it's better

to remain single.

And his rationale

for singleness

is that it promotes

undivided devotion

to the Lord.

And I want to speak

to those of you

who are single directly.

Do you see your singleness

in this biblical perspective?

Scripture unequivocally

affirms and commends

singleness

as a viable way

of life

that can bring glory

to God.

Do you see your singleness

in this way?

Later in verse 40,

Paul says that

a Christian widow

who does not remarry

but remains single

is happier for it.

Quote,

the word happy

means blessed

or fortunate.

It's the same word

that Jesus uses

in the Sermon on the Mount

when he says,

blessed are the poor

in spirit

for theirs is

the kingdom of heaven.

He says,

they are more blessed

who remain single,

the widow that does

not remarry.

That means singleness

is not a malady

to be remedied.

It is a blessing

to be enjoyed

for God's glory.

Do you think of

your singleness

in that way?

Although we didn't

plan this,

I do not have the foresight

to plan it

this far out in advance,

but I think it's

God's providential wisdom

and wonderful sense

of humor

that this passage

falls right after

Valentine's Day

in the beginning

of Lent.

Some of you

probably hate

Valentine's Day

because it's

a perennial reminder

of your unfulfilled

longing for romance

and relationship

and companionship.

Maybe some of you

are kind of masochistic

and you browse

through wedding blogs

and scroll through

other people's

social media profiles

to remind yourself

of just how much

other people's love life

is better than yours.

But remember

that your singleness

is a blessing.

Don't turn marriage

into an idol.

If you feel distressed

or depressed

by your singleness,

if you feel angry

or bitter toward God

because of your singleness

or any situation

or circumstance

for that matter,

then you have replaced

God's vision of happiness,

God's vision of blessedness

with your own.

Singleness is a blessing

from God

in which we can

please the Lord.

Don't buy the illusion

of love and romance

that our culture

is selling you.

Your marriage

is not all roses

and I say this

even though

I'm a happily married man.

Hannah has been

a tremendous source

of blessing

in my life

and apart from Christ

and his spirit,

she is the single

greatest gift

that I have ever received

from the Lord

and I cherish

every day I get to spend

with her

and this is all true.

But

I would be lying to you

if I didn't tell you

that it's hard.

it takes work.

It takes work

every single day

and it requires you

to die to your own

selfishness

every single day.

There are no days

off in marriage.

There were times

earlier in our marriage

I just broke down

and wept

because of how hard

it was

because I saw

the depth

of that sinfulness

and selfishness

and ugliness

in my own heart

exposed by my

relationship to Hannah.

And there are days

when I still weep

because of the ways

in which I know

I have hurt Hannah

in my own sinfulness.

It's not easy

to be married.

So if you

are going to pursue marriage

it's not sin

to pursue marriage

but do so

with biblical clarity

knowing that

living together

with another sinner

is not going to be easy

it's going to be difficult.

No human relationship

is going to solve

all of your woes.

And know this also

that your marriage

if you get married

is going to divide

your interests.

When I'm counseling

a church member

over coffee

or over the phone

and the conversation

is going long

and I have to be mindful

of the fact

that the longer

I am away

the longer Hannah

will have to hold

down the fort at home

and she's having

a much more repetitive

exhausting

and less stimulating

conversation

with our kids.

That's the reality.

My interests are divided.

When we were

prayerfully

considering

and deciding

where to plant

Trinity Cambridge Church

there were some

neighborhoods

that were

out of the question

right from the gate

right out of the gate

because

I could not

merely think about

my calling to the Lord

but I had to think about

how to care for my family

and my kids.

Thankfully Hannah

is a selfless

and faithful woman

so there's much

that we can do

together

in partnership

but there's no man

or woman

in the whole world

whose interests

are exactly identical

to that of the Lord.

And so when you get married

your interests

will be divided

and when you're married

you have to

be anxious

about worldly things

how to please

your spouse.

If you're currently

single

and you're old enough

to have some married friends

you probably have seen

this already

you may have noticed

that your friends

kind of drop off the map

when they get married

there's a reason for that.

So if you're single

let me encourage you

to take advantage

of your singleness

harness it

to serve God

and his people.

Even if you don't intend

to be single

for the rest of your life

you can glorify God

in your singleness now.

Because you're single

in many ways

you can be more spontaneous

and selfless

than married people

can ever hope to be.

Are you using that

for God's glory?

Of course that doesn't

just happen naturally

right?

God's not glorified

by singleness

in and of itself.

You have to use

singleness for God's glory

because it's possible

to be single

and be completely selfish

and undevoted to God.

There's a lot of those people

as well.

So it's not something

that's going to come to you

naturally

but in your singleness

you have the potential

to give yourself

wholly and exclusively

and entirely

to God.

Are you doing that?

That's his rationale

for singleness.

But as I've said already

that Paul doesn't

codify this into law

this principle

of singleness.

So he offers

in this final section

the exception

to singleness.

In verse 35

Paul said

he was commending

singleness

to promote

good order

but now

in verse 36

he speaks of a situation

where the exact opposite

is happening.

He says

if anyone thinks

that he is not behaving

properly toward his betrothed

the phrase

not behaving properly

in the Greek

is the negative form

of this exact same word

that was used

in verse 35

translated

promote good order.

So Paul's telling us

that even though

he is commending singleness

to promote good order

there are cases

when singleness

is actually

not going to promote

good order

but tend to disorderliness

and produce

improper behavior

between singles.

And so he says

and that's

what he is addressing here

he says

if his passions

are strong

this is the exception

if his passions

are strong

and it has to be

let him do

as he wishes

let them marry

it is no sin.

If you have

a strong desire

to get married

so that you are convinced

that you ought

to get married

and so it has to be

then scripture says

let him do

as he wishes

let them marry

it is no sin.

And note the phrase

let him do

as he wishes

it's okay

to follow through

with your wish

to marry

getting married

is not a sin.

So while Paul agrees

that singleness

is preferable

for the sake

of singular devotion

to God

for him

it is not a matter

of obedience

or disobedience

it's no sin

to marry

in fact

as we know

from Proverbs 18.22

he who finds

a wife

finds a good thing

and obtains

favor from the Lord.

This is also true

but for those

who have

strong passions

marriage

is its own

blessing from God.

While singleness

is a great blessing

from God

it's not for everyone

and if your passions

are strong

then marriage

may be the blessing

that God

intends for you.

Recall what Paul said

in verse 7

of the same chapter

I wish

that all

were as

I myself

am

but each

has his own

gift from God

one of one

kind

and one

of another.

So Paul

was someone

whose sexual

passions

were not

strong

and he had

his desires

under control.

So when Paul

insists that

his celibacy

is a gift

he's saying

that not all

have this gift

when he says

I wish

that all

were as

myself

am

he's saying

that not

all are

as he is

so the clear

implication

is that

the gift

of celibacy

is not

common

to all

and that's

why Paul

writes

in 1 Corinthians

12

that God

sovereignly

distributes

many gifts

diverse gifts

to the very

members of the body

for the sake

of promoting

interdependence

within the body

so that means

if someone

has a gift

of celibacy

and if you

don't have

the gift

of celibacy

then you

have another

gift

that God

has given

you to use

for the body

and it is

inadvisable

and dangerous

for someone

who does not

have the gift

of celibacy

to insist

on that

and to insist

on such a

standard

for everybody

and so those

who do not

have the gift

of celibacy

have a gift

of another

kind

so this shows

us that

we shouldn't

elevate singleness

to a point

where we put

people who are

single on a pedestal

and then look down

on married people

I mean this is not

as common

in our context

but it has

been common

throughout church

history

especially certain

denominations

that insist

that the pastor

or priest

has to be

celibate

even if he does

not have

the gift

of celibacy

right

we can't

pressure

or force

people

into the

life

of celibacy

and that's

abundantly clear

from verse 37

look at it with me

verse 37

but whoever

is firmly

established

in his heart

being under

no necessity

but having

his desire

under control

and has determined

this in his heart

to keep her

as his betrothed

he will do

well

right

in at least

four different ways

Paul emphasizes

that remaining

betrothed

and not going

through with the

marriage

has to be

the free

choice

of the

individual

that's

in view

right

it has to be

established

in his heart

it says

he must be

under no

necessity

and it must

spring from

having his

desire

under control

and he has

to have

determined

this in

his

heart

so if

if he has

his desire

under control

then he can

choose to

keep his

fiancee

a virgin

by not going

through with

the marriage

and if

he does

this

Paul says

he will

do well

now

that's

probably

some of you

guys are probably

breathing a sigh

of relief

like okay

now I don't

have to feel

pressure to

stay single

Sean's not

going to

pressure me

into breaking

up with my

boyfriend or

girlfriend

but I don't

want you to

dismiss all of

Paul's teaching

up to this

point

all of a

sudden

because

sometimes people

mistakenly think

that the gift

of celibacy

means having

no sexual

desire

like being

asexual

but I don't

think that's

what it means

because it

says it

talks about

people who

should marry

if their

passions are

strong they

should marry

but if they

have their

desire under

control that

they should

remain celibate

so the fact

that people

who are to

remain celibate

have their

desires under

control means

that they have

desires

it doesn't

mean that you

have no

desire it

means that you

have a moderate

desire that

you're able to

keep under

self-control

that's what it

means to have

the gift of

celibacy

so that

means if

you have

that gift

if you don't

feel that it

has to be

if you have

your desires

under control

then you should

seriously consider

singleness

as a way of

promoting singular

devotion to God

and Paul sums

it up this way

in verse 38

so then

he who marries

his betrothed

does well

and he who

refrains

from marriage

will do

even better

marriage

is good

to marry

is not

sin

and marriage

too is a

gift from

God

but singleness

is better

Paul says

singleness

is a blessing

from God

in which we

can please

the Lord

then having

addressed

the betrothed

singles

who are

engaged

Paul's mind

returns once

again to

women who

were formerly

married but

are now

single

whom he had

specifically

addressed in

verses 8 to

9

he says in

verse 39

a wife is

bound to

her husband

as long

as he

lives

but if

her husband

dies

she is

free to

be married

to whom

she wishes

only in

the Lord

so here

Paul's

reiterating

Christ's

teaching

from Luke

16

18

and elsewhere

that everyone

who divorces

his wife

and marries

another

commits

adultery

and who

marries

a woman

divorced

from her

husband

commits

adultery

so

remarriage

while

one's

former

spouse

is alive

constitutes

adultery

because while

the marriage

vows might

be broken

the marriage

bond

cannot be

broken

because it

was forged

by God

himself

to be

binding

for life

but if

her husband

dies

he says

she is

free to

be married

to whom

she wishes

only in

the Lord

so in

the case

of widows

marriage

is an

option

on the

table

in the

same way

it is

for singles

and that's

why Paul

mentions

them

and in

this short

sentence

Paul offers

two really

helpful clues

as to how

eligible singles

are supposed

to pursue

marriage

and this is

really as

close as

scripture

ever comes

to offering

tips for

dating

so if you

are single

and you're

interested in

this please

listen up

carefully

first Paul

says this

she is free

to be married

to whom

she wishes

right

here's a

biblical precedent

for the idea

that you should

marry someone

you love

right

someone you

want to

marry

right

and notice

that Paul

offers this

prerogative

to woman

which is

radically

progressive

for its

time

unheard

of

in the

Roman

Empire

and notice

this point

Paul had

focused a lot

of his

injunctions

on men

because men

were expected

to take

the initiative

and to

provide

leadership

when it

comes to

pursuing

engagement

in marriage

but this

does not

mean that

the woman

had no

choice

she is

to marry

whom

she

wishes

right

in a now

classic

article

entitled

the age

of Roman

girls

at marriage

this was

published

in 1965

by a

historical

demographer

named

Keith

Hopkins

he

noted

that

most

Roman

marriages

involved

prepubescent

girls

around the

age of

12

or younger

and they

were given

away in

marriage

to much

older men

that was

common

practice

in the

Roman

Empire

but when

he parsed

out the

Roman

marriages

according

to their

religious

affiliation

he found

out that

Christian

women in

the Roman

Empire

were three

times as

less likely

to have

married by

the age

of 13

right

they had

much more

choice in

the matter

and they

married far

later than

people in

the typical

woman in

the Roman

Empire

and that's

because of

the unprecedented

dignity

that the

church accorded

to their

woman

and because

of verses

like this

that specifically

teach that

women should

marry whom

they want

many traditional

cultures have

arranged marriages

right because

they see marriage

as essential

and necessary

for the

upbringing of

society

but marriage

is not

essential

or necessary

for the

Christian

so you should

wait for someone

you want to

marry

that's the

first tip

then the

second guideline

is this

only in the

Lord

this is really

the only

requirement that

Paul gives

us for

your potential

spouse

he or she

must be

someone who

shares your

faith in

and your

commitment to

the Lord

note that it

doesn't say

only those

whose bank

accounts are

full

only those

who are

sufficiently

attractive

only those

who are

sufficiently

educated

Paul says

very simply

only in

the Lord

because marriage

is to be a

picture of the

church's union

with Christ

it will work

as God

intended it

only in so

far as you

follow in

your marriage

the pattern

of Christ's

self-giving

love and

the church's

self-giving

submission

it's impossible

to do this

when your spouse

doesn't even

believe that

Christ gave

himself for

the church

so this

criterion is

critical

and think

about this

if marriage

to a

Christian

divides

your

interests

can you

imagine

what marriage

to an

unbeliever

will do

if you

follow

scripture's

command

and seek

to marry

only in

the Lord

then there

are some

more implications

for your

dating life

as well

the Bible

doesn't have

a category

for dating

because until

you're married

for all intents

and purposes

you're single

from a biblical

point of view

and that means

because you're

not yet married

you need to

treat your

boyfriend

or girlfriend

as a

Christian

brother

or sister

for example

1st

Timothy 5

verse 2

teaches us

to treat

older women

in the church

as mothers

and younger

women

as sisters

in all

purity

and if

that's the

case

that means

you shouldn't

do anything

to them

or with

them

that you

wouldn't

do with

your own

brother

or sister

they are

to be

safeguarded

in all

purity

1st

Thessalonians

4

3

it teaches

that

transgressing

sexual

boundaries

with other

believers

is equivalent

to wronging

or cheating

a brother

or sister

by depriving

one another

of God's

good design

for sex

within

marriage

we defraud

exploit

and cheat

one another

so if there's

biblical grounds

for getting

married

because your

passions are

strong

then I think

there's also

biblical grounds

for not

delaying

marriage

because your

passions are

strong

if your

passions are

strong

don't let

your wedding

planning get

in the way

of a marriage

get it done

get married

finally

having offered

these guidelines

for singles

and for seeking

marriage

Paul returns

once again