Marriage & Family 2

Let's just as it is our custom, let's hold up our Bibles and make the devil mad and Jesus glad.

Let's say this together say Heavenly Father, I'm grateful for Wednesday nights and I'm grateful for this in-person service and thank you that you're here.

We're grateful for your presence, we're grateful for your glory, we're grateful for your glory, we're grateful for the blood of Jesus.

Thank you, lord, for a place that teaches my identity, that teaches my purpose.

I grab a hold of it with both hands and I'm not letting go.

In Jesus' name, amen, amen, amen.

Well, hello, hello, seems a little bit different.

I just wanted to start off by saying that this coming Saturday is my parents your pastor, our pastors and our parents' 56th wedding anniversary, so you can give them a hand clap.

They will have been married 56, and Selena and I both are so grateful for their example in marriage and to their covenant, and so grateful for their example in marriage and to their covenant, and so we've always looked up to them and just even all the stories that he tells.

There's so much to learn.

But, specifically growing up, you know we got.

It was either feast or famine.

You know we were.

He had either sold the house and we were eating good and everything was great, or or things were behind, and we're never living under a bridge though you know we don't get to say this very often but for like a three-month period we lived with his business partner, but he was one of the richest guys in Kingwood and it was a 40-something room mansion with 12 bathrooms, and that was the first time I had my own bathroom.

So, anyways, we kind of skipped that story.

I think I got somehow somebody bought me a remote control Lamborghini and they had traveled to Christmas and so I got to take the Lamborghini all through the house.

It was pretty fun when you're 12, 13 years old, 12 years old, something like that.

Anyways, too many stories, but I just thought I'd start out talking about kind of our story, how we met.

We grew up both of us at Lakewood Church and I grew up working for Pastor Joel in the television department and Selena grew up as a teenager working in the nursery there, and so that's where we met and that's a good story and all but the real story, the unedited version of the story, is that I was 15, almost 16 years old, and I walked out to get on camera that morning during the service and as soon as I hit the youth section, there Selena was and I stopped and I was like who is that?

And I was like who is that?

And she happened to be sitting by my best friend who, my best friend, made the first move and they started dating and so years later, things you know, I anyways, and so we won't go there, but just we could go there.

We we double dated a little bit.

That was kind of awkward, but I just always had her in mind, maybe.

But I'm so glad that we got married really young, and so we don't get to talk about this in front of the young people.

Trust us, we're a good she's a good youth pastor, and so you know we're not hitting that real hard.

But it is important for us to know as a society.

You know, dad hit it pretty hard last week, but just you know, we teach our women to put their careers first and their education first.

And you get to be 35 years old and you're looking for a maid at 35 and 40 and you're hitting all the fertility clinics and you believe in God and maybe you can, you know, squeeze one out and then it comes out triplets, and you're in a bind and your whole life is different.

But when you're young and in your prime the way God designed you when you're mature enough and we were we were mature enough to get married.

But we matured together and that caused some stress and some strain we still had a lot of maturing to do but, but.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I would much rather have that than to get married at the end of my prime or out of my prime.

And so, yes, we were always the youngest family, the youngest parents, at the basketball.

But if you are older and not married yet, it's not a diss on that, because you want to make sure you marry the right one and the one that God has for you.

Yes, so we don't want to rush it.

Yes, and we'll go over that tonight.

I just wanted to review real quick.

Dad covered last night he was able to cover quite a bit and it was awesome material the family of God, the covenant of marriage, how marriage points back to the beginning with Adam and Eve we're going to cover a little bit more of that here in a second and he covered the differences of men and women and a lot of their different needs and different roles.

You know some you want a white role and a little bit dark role with extra butter no, I'm just kidding but the different roles of marriage.

And so tonight let's start out.

Uh, I'll let you sure cover some of most of this dating um.

So I gave uh Derek um some uh it's called Christian Dating 101 and he's going to so if you're single, raise your hand and that might be another opportunity for you to look around a little bit If you know somebody that's single and you can identify those.

You can still take one and it's just.

It's good, I still take one and it's just good, but seriously like Miss Irma.

Wisdom taken from the.

Bible.

You might have kids or grandkids that need to be married, and so you can take this and give this to them as well.

So there we go.

Lots of people that are interested, yeah, so how many of y'all know that dating um nowadays is way different than dating um you know, when we were kids or even before?

Then you just have a whole slew of.

Now you have online, the world wide web and so the pitfalls of the swiping left.

Yes, yes right, and so we won't go into all that.

But it's just, it's different.

We're living in the end times and so different times, different measures, and so, um, you know, the enemy attacks first the, the family and the marriage.

Because if he, you know, if he can get to the family and the marriage, because if he, you know, if he can get to the family and the marriage, you know, then you know just like the word says, you know, like Pastor said, the threefold cord isn't easily broken, and so he's attacking that so much more now than before.

Okay, so I just wanted to quickly go over this Christian dating.

One oh one, um, and we'll just, we'll just hit it.

Realize that singleness is a gift.

Uh, let God use you.

As a single person, person, as a single Christian, you have more time and energy to devote to God.

You know, if you're single, you don't have a family, you don't have kids, you have more time to devote to God.

So use that time you know to devote your attention and focus your attention on God.

Focus your attention on pleasing God and serving him, and then prepare yourself to be a spouse to someone else.

Ask yourself am I being the one that's ready for someone to meet me to someone else?

Ask yourself am I being the one that's ready for someone to meet me?

And so that's just an important question to ask yourself Am I preparing myself to be that one for somebody else?

Know your purpose.

It is dangerous to pursue companionship before knowing your purpose.

You have to know your identity and who you are without them.

And so a lot of people that's where they foul up hey, no, I don't know my identity, I don't know who I am.

And so a lot of people they that's where they follow up.

Hey, no, I'm, I don't know my identity, I don't know who I am, and so I need somebody to complete me.

No, that's not worth the word says you are already complete.

in him, in Jesus, you are already complete, and dad covered that last week.

But you know it's not 50, 50 coming together, it's 100, 100.

And so you're working on grabbing a hold of your purpose and grabbing a hold of your identity in Christ and not letting that go and being secure in that.

And then there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, and being lonely is emotional.

It's an emotional state that means you've shut your spirit off and you've allowed yourself to lean in on your emotions too hard, and uh, that makes you desperate, and so that desperation um produces many difficult situations yeah, and so that's just flesh.

Acting out of desperation, oh, I'm lonely, I need somebody.

That's that's just your flesh and that never ends up well, never when you act out of desperation, uh, be patient and wait on God's timing.

Trust that God will send the right person at the right time.

So wrong person plus right time equals a no right person plus wrong time equals a no right person plus the right time equals a yes.

And so it's so vital to, um, you know, to wait for that, the right person.

And so then we have the roles in dating.

You want to talk about men?

The man is the pursuit pursuer, and dad covered this a little bit last week.

But if you're a woman, it's just really good for you to sit back a little bit and watch his moves.

Allow him, maybe you're, maybe you go up to him and talk to him or something simple, but you're not the first one to go after the relationship to ask them out.

Multiple times and always been chasing down and send text message after text message after text message until you come across.

Because usually if that happens in dating, that's going to happen in marriage.

That's right, the woman will be the pursuer, and that's not how God intended it to be.

And so you need to make sure the man that you're going after is not passive, but instead he should initiate the relationship.

You know, I did a really good job, I think, patting myself on the back of pursuing our relationship.

But we got till about the third or the fourth date and Selena called me up and she's like I'm going to come over, I'm picking you up tonight, and I said what?

No, the truck's all gassed up.

I'm coming to get you.

I thought that's what.

And so she came over and we spent some time with my family, with my parents, and she was driving her dad's Saturn.

I can't even describe that color Aqua.

Maybe it was, uh, Saturn, I can't even describe that color Aqua.

Maybe it was like part green, part blue but I don't think I'm glad that they retired that color in that car, for that matter.

But you look good driving the car.

And she drove me on a date.

Where did we go?

She drove me to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and fed me a filet with all that Lakewood nursery money.

But I'm all my paycheck went to that stake all and uh, and it went straight to my heart, straight to my gut too, but uh, seriously, that let me know I'm being serious.

We can joke about it, but that let me know that she was in a hundred percent.

And so there is a time when you can pursue a little bit and reinforce the relationship, but don't make sure you're not the pursuer in the beginning, right?

Yeah, and so the woman is the responder.

Be able to sense when you're being pursued.

Realize that men are attracted to you physically at first, so make yourself look appealing.

You know, don't just get out of bed in pajamas and wear pajamas all day.

You know, pajamas are great and they're comfy and they're yes, I love pajamas, but you know we got to get out of our pajamas and I'll be wearing grandma pajamas all the time.

You know we got to get all those flannels.

We can't.

It's Houston, like, who does flannels anyways.

You just sweat, but you're not placed in an unsafe man's life.

To save him, just pray for him, amen.

No missionary dating.

Yeah, we call that missionary.

Dating Compatible is key.

That does not work.

No, it does not.

Do you have good chemistry?

Do you like being around them and have fun with them?

Do you find them physically attractive?

No, lusting.

Do you argue a lot?

Do you have similar personalities?

Are they emotionally stable?

Have you ever seen them angry?

Are they able to control their emotions under pressure?

What happens when they don't get their way?

You know this just came to mind.

Like putting together a piece of ikea furniture, like we do that now well, we don't buy ikea anymore but like if you put together something as a couple and you can get through it without little getting a little upset, getting a little our emotions, like you're, you're good, but, um, seriously, like working as a team is so important and um, and so you want to make sure you know, uh, how they react when they're under pressure.

You know, cause part of the dating oh, we're all we had the googly eyes and they're wonderful and they can't never do anything wrong.

But when the heat is on, what, what emotions come out Does, does anger come out, and so that's very important because that will flow into marriage.

It's great, guys, when a, when, a, when a girl can check the box that she's physically attractive.

You know, you know, uh, I'll just go ahead and say you know, G rated here, but just that, she looks good in those jeans, right, she looks good in those jeans, it's great that she checks that box.

But if that's the only box that she checks, you're signing up for a lifetime of hurt and just a miserable time.

Also, just, ladies, is he?

Is he already?

Can you see him being a spiritual leader?

Does he talk about his prayer life?

Does he talk about reading the Bible?

Are you having to make him talk about it and ask him specific questions?

And then it makes him oh wait, I don't have a prayer life.

I better at least fake it a little bit.

And you can always tell someone's spiritual life whether it's real or fake.

You just can, and so you have the Holy Spirit on the inside.

So so again, dating is not out of the physical, emotional realm.

You're.

You're being spiritually attracted to a person first, ahead of being physically attracted to it.

Yeah, and so the next page what is their family and culture like?

What have they gone through?

What's their relationship with their parents?

That's a very important one how they treat their mom, how the interaction there is.

Would you be compatible with their parents as your, your in-laws, um, you know, and is he a mama's boy?

can he make a decision?

and I've always said this whoever you marry, you also marry their, their family, right, because it's mom and dad and and family you know we've always had.

I'm always thankful that we've always had easy going.

Um, you know your parents and my parents, like we usually spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with your parents and my parents are easygoing If you want to come over Christmas Eve or we go out to eat, you know the week of, it's all right, we don't, you don't have to, you know.

So that's I can't imagine having parents to argue over stuff like that.

That's like not a big deal, right, and so thank God that you know both sides of our parents are just easy going, and so that's important.

That's important how they raise.

So let's see how do they want to raise children.

Are you able to have, uh, stimulating conversations?

Do you understand each other easily?

Um, and then going down, let's see, talking about career, finances, relationships, uh, what is their level?

This is so important.

What is their level of spiritual commitment?

Do you have the same vision?

Do they demonstrate a similar calling as you would?

Would they still serve j Jesus if you weren't in the picture?

Exactly, that's like you know if you weren't begging them to come to church?

If you weren't begging them, would they?

still love Jesus, would they still love to come to church on their own?

And that's important, right?

That's important.

Let's see Accountability Take it slow, take your time truly getting to know the other person as friends, before pursuing a romantic relationship with them.

Dating groups for at least three months.

Not only does this keep you from placing yourself in compromising situation, but it also allows you to see how they interact with other people.

That's so important, right?

Because if you don't like them in a group, you know how they interact and what they're like.

If somebody asks a question in a group and they say something or their reaction and you don't really quite like that, it's good to see that in a group, how they interact with other people.

That's so important.

Um, listen to your spiritual authority.

It's helpful to communicate with the wise believer about your intentions today.

Keeping secrets about your dating desires or experiences can complicate your situation, as sin loves to hover over into darkness, and so that's so important to have, of course, pastors and spiritual mentors that help you in that.

Cohabitation and premarital sex are off limits.

No wed, no bed, no contract, no contact Right.

And so, oh, that's traditional, no, it's the Bible.

Yes, oh well, you know, I didn't know it would affect anybody else.

No, it's the Bible, right?

You hear this like oh, it's not, it's OK because I can keep that on the side.

No, it's the B-I-B-L-E.

It's okay because I can keep that on the side.

No, it's the B-I-B-L-E.

If you read the word, that's the word.

It's not that, it's traditional.

No, it's the word of God.

And so if it's not based in the word of God, it's never.

You're never going to produce fruit, it's never going to be successful, right?

Yeah, that's right.

So setting clear boundaries.

Okay, so let's see.

Also don't require perfection.

Yes, ladies, come on now, you're waiting on 007 and said instead you might get a man that's, that's a concentrated on a double lot buck right.

He might be a big hunter and smell like a deer urine or something.

We're all human, yes, and.

God is working on us, right?

Don't wait forever.

Don't date the same person for 15 years.

Seal the deal and make it official, right?

You see, these, these people that are like oh, I'm engaged.

You know, been engaged for seven years.

I'm like what set a date is in 2027.

You're just you're acting like you're married, but you say you're in, get no, no, no, no, like seal the deal Right.

And so the longer you wait, the greater the temptations to get rid of pride, fear or insecurity.

There are no, these are not attractive characteristics to have, and so don't make new people pay for past mistakes, and we can preach about that all night.

Don't continue to date someone if you know it's not going anywhere.

It's a waste of your time in there, as you'll be able to tell by the third date if you really like them.

And so those are just great, helpful tips on dating 101.

about tonight is godly communication and um.

But then when you first start dating, you know you're tempted.

Nowadays there's all kind of apps and you're talking through the apps or you're talking, maybe you start a relationship using social media.

But as soon as you can move to traditional methods, you know uh, god is all you know.

Some of these are not hard and fast rules, but when you're, when you meet each other in person, it's just there's nothing that can replace that eye to eye contact and for your spirit as well.

And so you may be the best texter ever and can, and just your thumbs move at the speed of light and you can get a response out.

But so much communication, even after being married for almost 27 and a half years.

Sometimes I just don't understand what she meant by a text, and so texting is not the way to go when you're trying to establish a relationship.

You know.

At least talk on the phone like old school the time I text so fast that the words that were, that were put in there, were like oh man, I'll have to go back and edit that, you know, and so.

So, yeah, it's nothing takes the place of face to face and and uh, being like.

That's why, you know, we go to Mark Hankins ministry.

It's good to just you know where to meet people.

Well, you know, you, there are success stories of meeting online, but um, how much more you know, just it's.

I would just encourage you to get around like precious faith people who believe the way you believe and speak the way you speak.

And so tonight we're just going to start out by talking about the first marriage.

We're going to go back, like you know, cover, recover some of the stuff dad covered last week in the garden with Adam and Eve.

And so back in Genesis, chapter two, verse 16, god gave Adam this command.

He said of every tree of the garden you may freely eat.

And God told him, but the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat.

For in the day that received that command, and then later on in that chapter, god creates Eve, as we well know, out of Adam's side.

And so then, boom, we get to Genesis, chapter 3.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

And immediately Eve is standing at the tree of good and evil and she's being tempted by the serpent.

And we know all, you know all of the story.

So I might just quote some of this.

You know exactly what happened, and but her first response to the serpent was hey, god has forbidden us to eat.

I mean yeah to, yeah to, we shall not eat, nor shall we touch it.

So she added the touch it part, like, where did that come from?

That came from bad communication between her and Adam.

We really don't know what happened between the end of chapter two and the beginning of chapter three.

We don't know that if several days had gone by or several months had gone by, we just don't know.

But somewhere there was a breakdown of communication between Adam and Eve.

Adam should have described, uh, with exact certainty, what the penalties were for disobeying God, and exactly what God said.

And so, right away, and I just so, so, um, so Eve did not fall for the beauty of the fruit, and so, again, we know that men are visual and women are auditory.

That means she didn't really fall like this.

This fruit was beautiful, and again, she was the one that made up the not touch it.

You could have gone up and admired it.

They could have gone there every day and made that their prayer closet.

They could have sat under the shade of that tree and they could have remembered that as their covenant from God to them.

And so, and then they could have been grateful for all the other fruit on all the other trees.

You know, hey, we're not allowed to eat this fruit, but, man, look at that fruit over there, I'm going to go eat another strawberry and blueberry and raspberry and whatever else and enjoy the creation that they had.

Instead, she was unsure, and this whole time, that that she's standing at the tree being tempted by the serpent, adam, standing right behind her.

And so she didn't fall for the beauty of the tree, she fell for the, the words and the cunning and crafty words of the serpent, of the enemy, of the devil, right.

And so, again, that's straight up.

We need to watch what's coming into our ears, right, and what we're listening to.

And so I have five reasons for Adam's faulty communication Again, we're talking about godly communication tonight.

And number one he ignored the details in the message he was supposed to communicate that God had told him right, and so obviously there was a breakdown.

The order, god's order, right.

And so, number two, he allowed Adam, allowed Eve's voice to influence him more than God's voice.

So again, he's very passive, right, he could have intervened.

He could have said wait a minute, eve, do you remember what I told you?

And he could have, uh, a re explained it to her.

He could have doubled down.

There's a million things he could have done.

I think it's very interesting.

What do you think would have happened if she ate and he refused to eat?

What do you think would have happened then?

I don't know, it's just fun to think about.

You know, and so, but he failed Either way.

He failed in his leadership, he failed to lead his home under the guidance of what God had told him, right.

And so, number three, he failed to hold himself accountable for his actions.

Again, we could read this, but I'm just going to basically quote it you know, so they ate of the fruit, right.

And then they knew they were naked.

So they, they searched for, for figs and they covered themselves.

And then God came in and he he's like who told you you were naked?

He obviously knew immediately.

And so who spoke up?

First it was Eve, and Eve blamed the devil.

Oh, the devil made me do it.

And and then so then he asked Adam, because he had, he knew Adam was the one with responsibility, right, and Adam half blamed God.

He said it's the woman that you made me, that you gave me, and so how do you think God responded to that?

So he refused to take accountability for his actions.

It was his action that caused this problem, it was his failure, and so he could have, he should have owned it, right then.

We really don't ever see him owning that.

We just see Adam, um, um, you know, throwing his wife under the bus and throwing God under the bus, like it's your fault for making this woman you know.

Let me read it so.

That's in verse 12, chapter Genesis three, 12.

Then the man said the woman whom you gave to be with me.

She gave me of the tree and I ate.

And then the Lord, god, said to the woman what is it that you have done?

The woman said the serpent deceived me and I ate, you know so.

But yeah, he, he, hey, it's this woman you gave me.

Like no.

So so his fourth thing is he forgot the consequences of disobedience.

And so how quickly we do that in our own lives, how quickly God is calling us men to be responsible for our homes, to be responsible leaders and to lead out of that quiet time with the Lord.

And so if you're skipping that quiet time we're going to talk about that later on when we're talking about communication skills but if you're skipping that quiet time, you're skipping your ability to lead.

You really are, and you're it's you're not getting.

You know, jesus said that that he would only say what his, he heard his father say, and he would only say what his, he heard his father say, and he would only do what his father said.

And so if you're skipping that process, then you're miles behind.

And, women, how can you lead someone that's not being led by the Lord?

And so, again, this is all about agape.

It's not, it's not just about physical love, it's, it's about agape, love, and without agape we don't have a relationship, we don't have a covenant.

And so, um, and so he, so adam, forgot the consequences of disobedience.

So we better, as men and leaders of our family, we better not forget the consequences of disobedience.

And then number five he never took responsibility for his faulty communication.

You, you never.

You never hear him own the action which we talked about.

Number three but also he never owned the lack of leadership and the words you know he could have said hey, I should have explained this to you better, I'm sorry, we don't ever see that in scripture, and so we need to learn from Adam's mistake.

And so you might, you know, go go to work every day and hit it out of the park.

You may, may be the greatest engineer that can get the whole office behind your project, or you may stand in front of your whole organization at work and speak to them and be funny, and everybody laughs at your jokes, laughs at your jokes.

But if you don't take that leadership skills home with you and speak to your wife like she's a daughter of the king and treat her as such, and then speak to your kids as well and give them an example of leadership in your home, then you're failing.

And hey, that's great, you make six figures and you bring home a really cool, a really good paycheck that allows your family to live this wonderful life, and but you just leave it all at work and you're not bringing any of that leadership home and you're not spending time, like I said earlier, in your prayer, closet, getting that level of communication and that leadership and your love, and then you're not communicating that with your wife.

It's great that God communicates things with me.

He may drop a dream or a desire or a direction to flow in, but if I don't communicate that with her, then how can two walk together unless they're in unity?

Amos 3.3, right, and so you don't have that unity.

It's really the power of agreement.

You've never really come into the power of agreement and then that gap is just going to keep growing and growing and growing.

And then you're going to look around.

I just thought that was going to happen, naturally getting married.

I just thought, well, she'll just, naturally, you know, think like I do and this will just be easy.

And I just I don't know.

It was like we were probably two months into marriage and I remember going to the mall and you wanted to do this.

You had a whole, you had like set the whole day schedule and you didn't say what you wanted to do and I had the whole day scheduled out in my mind and I didn't ever communicate that with her, what I wanted to do.

And right away I realized, man, this is not going to work, I don't want to do any of those things, and so you must communicate, and that communication happens early.

I just use a simple example.

But, man, what if that had to do with finances, or what, what, what if that had to do with raising kids in a godly home, and and?

And what if you, just, like this, disagreed on how you discipline your kids?

Like it's just going to fall apart really quick.

And so I just kind of felt by the spirit, that the Holy Spirit showed me this.

And so I know this.

I'm not going to speak that it could be awkward, but you get over the awkwardness of it.

And if you're sitting here tonight with your spouse and you're a husband in the room and your wife is in the room, we're about to go through something.

I'm going to give you steps in a second.

But if you're the wife, just continue to look up here.

If you're a husband and your wife is not in the room, like just get your cell phone out and get a picture of her, and you're going to look at that.

And then if you're a single person, male or female, just as I'm saying some of these things, just begin to picture your future, your bride or groom, you know, the one you believe in God.

For, as I say some things.

So again, so if you're a man, just look at your wife right now and you'll have a side profile because she's looking up here, see, rocco, look at your wife, how beautiful she is.

Turn and look at your wife.

There you go, see, and you're like, oh my God, he's staring at my chin, at my nose, he has the side profile of my nose or whatever.

And so women can get a little bit uneasy or whatever.

They start to feel self-conscious.

But us men, you're looking at the daughter of the king.

Are you treating her that way?

She's been made and created in the image of God just for you, just to be your helpmate.

And God's called you to be together and to fight life through together, not fight with each other.

And so you're a team and you're a good team and it's a godly team, and we've been joined together in holy matrimony.

That is holy.

And so when God sees your bride, he sees a perfect human being, and this covenant that we're under is a perfect covenant there's.

It can't be any better than the covenant that God already made together for us, and this threefold cord can't be any stronger.

It's not easily broken, but as strong as can be to suffer through the trials of life, anything the devil could possibly throw at us.

This covenant is already stronger, and the blood of Jesus has already made it perfect.

So when you look at your wife, you're looking at someone who's perfect.

Don't focus on her shortcomings, don't focus on her failures, don't focus on the past, but when God looks at her, she sees her through the blood of Jesus, and you should too.

So Jesus died just for her.

If there was nobody else in the world, he would have gone through all of the suffering that he suffered just for her.

And so he died for her and, believe it or not, in Ephesians 5, he asked us to die for her as well, but in a different way.

We don't have to die on a cross, but we just have to die to our dreams and desires and flesh and instead live for her, to put her first, to prioritize her above our kids, above our job, above our dreams, above our desires, to prioritize her as in second.

So we're prioritizing God as first and our wife as second, and it's a beautiful thing and she's a beautiful lady, isn't she?

Amen, hallelujah.

So I want you to go home tonight and do the opposite, and if you're a husband and wife, and you're the wife, you can look at your husband and you can say something similar.

So I didn't want to walk through it both ways, so it was a little one-sided, but know that your husband, this covenant that we're under it can't get any better.

It's already been perfected by the blood of Jesus and it's already.

And I just want to.

I know this seems like we're at a marriage, you know wedding ceremony right now, but this stands for your covenant.

If you're one of those hipster type people the new couples that don't wear wedding rings it really you're doing yourself a disservice, because this not only does it let the whole rest of the world know that I'm married and she's married and she's taken, and so maybe less people are hit.

You know, believe it or not, people just hit on women, no matter what, and people don't care anymore.

And she deals with that more than I do.

Praise the Lord, but I married up.

But anyways, seriously though, this stands for the covenant and if you don't wear this, you're doing yourself a disfavor and you're doing your covenant a disfavor, and so it reminds other people, but it reminds you.

I don't know about you but I.

It's a little bit too big and it's just it's a little bit annoying.

In 27 and a half years I'm not quite used to it.

I take.

No, I'm just saying I have a rubber uh wedding ring that I wear when I'm super busy working on stuff.

I don't want to be gory, but I had a friend just lose his finger.

His wedding ring got caught on something and pulled his finger off, but so I got one of those rubber rings.

But anyways, it's annoying on purpose.

It reminds me anytime I get annoyed at my ring and start playing with it, I'm reminded of this covenant.

Hey, there's a purpose of why I'm wearing this thing every day and it stands for something, and it stands for something amazing, and so, um, it reminds you.

It's a reminder.

So, and then my favorite thing to do is like beat them together.

I'll do that all the time, okay, jay?

Yeah, anyways, um, where are we supposed to go after this?

What's next?

I think I lost my place.

I'll get you a fidget spinner.

He he just popped his wedding ring.

That was good, that was so good.

You know they do say that women talk more than men, but I think in our relationship Jay talks more, but it's good.

He's always very, you know, just sweet and kind and just the thing like what he just did right now.

That's easy for him to to um express.

You know his emotions and what he's.

A lot of men aren't like that.

Most men, I would say, are not like that.

Usually it's the woman and so.

But you know how you are and god can help you in those areas where um you know to communicate and how to communicate and we'll go into into that.

You want to go into that next?

Sure, I was going to intro this a little bit.

Okay, so about three years ago we got to meet Dr Gee and Ilka Pay at a conference up in Fort Worth, but we've met them several times at Mark Hankins meetings and hung out with them and been out to eat together, and, and so, a long story short, our pastor and us went out to eat last week and they're going to come minister in this church in September.

So we're looking forward to that and there's some exciting times.

But he was preaching, him and his wife were preaching at a church in Needville, carmel Church, with pastors Jerry and Michelle DeSoma, and they're from Great Britain, and so it was just they have the accents and everything.

And so here they are at Needville, kind of a little podunk town in the middle of nowhere, but about 15-20 minutes from Sugar Land.

And so if you know of anybody that's out that direction, that thinks that it's too far to come here, they could come there but Sugarland.

And so if you have, if you know of anybody that's out that direction, that's thinks that it's too far to come here, they could come there.

But they they had a marriage seminar on Saturday morning that Selene and I were in, and so this is the book that he wrote with his wife, and so I think it's a really creative way to talk about marriage, because he breaks it out in home improvement.

So every room of the house is a different chapter, right, and so we're going to go over some of the things that was in the chapter titled dining room, and so dining room.

So again, we're just talking about godly communication.

And we have not read that entire book from Saturday to now.

Just let you know Some of it can be like a textbook.

It just it has a lot of great things in there, yeah.

Very practical and just um, just wonderful.

So, um, let me, I'm just going to read this.

I took it from from their book, and so studies show that.

Sometimes a little bit about family.

Studies show that when children eat together with their family, it lowers obesity, lessens eating disorders, increases grades, reduces drug abuse, uh, brings emotional stability, increases the vocabulary more than just reading to them does, um.

And so just how uh important it is not only to communicate with your spouse but for your kids to see you communicate, and a lot of times that happens through, you know, dinner, eating together, spending time together, and that's so important.

So, you know, growing up with our kids, it was real easy to have all of us have separate schedules.

Therefore, we all have separate eating schedules, and then you know, ethan's at baseball and Allison's a volleyball, and blah, blah blah, but we made it a point to eat together, with family meals, and that just started in our house growing up and having that tradition, but that's an important tradition.

Again, all these great things that lowers obesity I don't know if they had my mom whoever wrote that it lowers obesity though, but anyways, because she could cook back in the day.

But hallelujah.

Yes a good cook, amen okay so at the core of every healthy marriage is the ability of a couple to successfully communicate with one another.

The art of communication doesn't come naturally to everybody.

Some people don't like to talk much.

Others talk not non-stop, without ever really saying anything.

Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together.

If it breaks down, the relationship will crumble.

The two most important kinds of communication are between man and God and between people.

So that's why healthy communication is a skill that must be learned and practiced in order to have a successful marriage.

And the scripture that Jay mentioned earlier, Amos 3.3.

Can two walk together without agreeing on the direction?

No, you know, you have to be in agreement.

How can you walk together if Jay is going that way, he's walking that way and I'm walking this way?

We have to come together and be in agreement.

And then in Romans 15.5 and 6 in the New King James and I also wanted to mention it in the message says Now may the God of patience and comfort grant, grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may be with one mind, that you may, with one mind and one mouth, glorify the God and father of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

And the message.

I didn't read it the entire thing in the message, but just grabbed a little thing from it.

I think it was May, verse six.

May your dependability, steady and warmly personal God, develop maturity in you so that, so that you get along with each other, then it'll be a choir, not voices only, and so ties in maturity.

Yeah, To how.

That's part of spiritual maturity getting along with each other and communicating.

Do you want to go on?

to.

James 1, 19 and 20?

.

It's titled Qualities Needed in Trial.

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

And so again, when we get frustrated, it's going to, we're going to break down, but we need to listen, be quick to listen to our spouse and actually hear what they're saying.

And so you know it's listening is required, it's not optional, amen.

And then I, just, in Matthew 18, talks about the power of agreement.

Again, in verse 19, matthew 18, 19.

Again, I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by my father in heaven, for where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there in the midst of them.

So again, the power of agreement, especially when it comes to prayer, especially when it comes to standing arm in arm together on what you believe in God, for I'm telling you he answers every time Amen.

Again, in Deuteronomy, it says that if one can put 1,000 to flight, then two can put 10,000 to flight.

So it's all tied in to being together and in walking in agreement.

And so we'd like to start the five levels of communication.

Five levels of communication.

And good communication is birthed out of your prayer life.

Like I covered this earlier this was kind of from me, you know.

I just I started thinking about what makes you a good communicator.

Well, it's your relationship with God, and I quoted these scriptures earlier that Jesus said in John 12, verse 50, that he communicated with his father.

John 12:50

He spent time in sweet communion with the father and God's thoughts and ways were communicated to him.

And so the same thing happens to us.

God communicates his way of thinking.

We're trading all of our crazy, you know, all of our thoughts are going crazy.

We can grab a hold of the way God thinks about something when we spend time with him and then we can come back and we can communicate that in the same way.

I just love the way the Lord speaks to me.

It's just so.

It's always so soft and gentle.

Very rarely is it the the voice that that dad preaches about.

You know, when he wake up the church that was a gruff voice.

He wasn't used to hearing that voice, right?

He says that's the devil talking to me like that.

No, god can speak to you many different ways, but usually it's in a sweet tone and it's just your overwhelming desire to obey him that's coming out.

And so if you speak to your wife the same way, that same agreement is going to be there.

You don't have to sell whatever it is.

You know you don't have to turn into a salesman, right, she can just grab a hold of what you're saying and vice versa.

You know you shouldn't have to be a you know top Ivy league salesman to get something done in your house.

Then you, then you're walking in disagreement.

You really are, and there's some distrust there that you've got to work on.

Amen, all right, so number five, you want to start.

Level five is the lowest.

Sure, um, and that's so important.

What he was saying John and John 12, about just good communication is birthed out of a prayer life and really, just the more you hang out with God and Jesus, the more you become like him.

And then, and just you know, meditating on scriptures throughout the day, like I can tell the difference if we have, if we're rushed out of the house, if for some reason we woke up late, we're rushed out.

I'm like, oh, we didn't, you know, we didn't have our.

Now we have different times where we different read the Bible throughout the day, you know, in the morning or not.

Usually I like reading it in the morning because it sets the tone.

And so, um, your communication.

I mean we have to give something God to work with.

Like, we got to do our part, he's done his, but we got to do our part.

And so level five, the fifth or the lowest level of communication, is the hallway talk.

It's called cliche conversation.

It's where you share nothing of substance with the other person.

You use frequently used phrases as a way of community, like hey, how you doing, have a great day, how's it going?

That's the lowest level of Right.

And so then level four is a reporter talking, talk, reporting the facts.

So moving up scale a notch.

Level four communication contains reporting the facts.

You share what you know, but little more than that.

You reveal nothing of yourself and are happy to get happy to report the what so-and-so said or what so-and-so did, for example, so-and-so got married or so-and-so got graduated, or this is what's happening in the world today, or did you hear what?

What happened on the news with Biden, or you know, or all the?

So that's the facts, so that's so.

That's level four.

Um, it can also be heard among couples as they begin their day.

Would you want me to pick up some more cheese on the way home?

You want a cheddar, you want some mozzarella?

What you want?

The car needs a tune-up.

You know the car.

It's a little oil.

You need it to spin on.

The light's been on.

Can we change that?

You know that's a level we're communicating, but it's level four.

It's on low, it's low-level communication.

Quick, simple, gets the job done Right.

Level three you want to talk about level three.

Sure, you know, and these are, you know, think about it in a new relationship too.

You know lots of couples stay in five and four and it takes a while to get to three.

It's called intellectual talk, level three you share your opinions, your ideas, your judgments about things, and this level of communication is designed to open up more discussion and you finally start to come out of your shell and share a little bit of who you really are.

You observe the other person carefully and when you sense even the smallest question or rejection, you withdraw right.

You know you have to gain trust.

And when you tell somebody what you really see, think and feel, you know you have to trust them that they're not going to use it against you or come back around and blab about you.

You know you have to trust them that they're not going to use it against you or come back around and blab about you.

You know, in front of their friends or something two weeks later, oh, you know she really thinks such and such.

And so you know it takes a level of trust as you're growing in these levels.

And so then, level two is emotional sharing.

Emotional sharing is sharing what you see, think and feel.

If you can't share feelings with your spouse, your marriage is on superficial ground.

You won't grow, and neither will your spouse, and to reach this level, there's a depth of emotional connection that's required, one that allows you to be open and vulnerable with each other, and so you, here, you, must be careful to avoid hurting your spouse.

I think I just said that.

I'll let you cover the next one, which is the highest where you're trying to go is level one loving genuine talk, transparency, excuse me, so really just being real.

The top level of communication is loving genuine talk or transparency.

It's when you are totally open with the other person.

Transparency means sharing the real you from the heart.

At this level of communication there's a true bond of trust between the spouses.

It happens when you genuinely tell your spouse who you are, what you think, how you feel, what you love, what you honor, what you regard, what you hate, desire, hope for, believe in and are committed to.

First John 4.18 says perfect love casts out fear, and so level one communication requires a deep degree of trust, commitment and friendship.

When spouses reach the transparency level, they function with oneness, and so real communication can only flourish in an atmosphere of love and trust.

And let me just say, say this forgiveness and trust are two totally different things.

Right, for forgiveness must come before trust is rebuilt right, and so trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets.

Forgiveness means I know what you did was wrong and I'm not going to make you pay for it for the rest of your life.

And so we have to give as husband and wife.

We have to give grace, we have to give mercy, we have to give um.

You know God forgave us, so we forgive our spouse Right.

And so, um, forgiveness and trust are totally, two totally different things.

And and um, but God's called.

I mean we.

We can't walk in unforgiveness because we know that leads to bitterness, and so we have to make sure that that, in our communication, you know um, as we're reading the word of God, as we're praying um, you know, trust is rebuilt and forgiveness is there.

And um, a lot of it also has to do with the mind.

I wrote down Romans 12 to, in the passion translation, says stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think.

This will empower you to discern God's will as you live in a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in his eyes.

And so a lot of it's a mental thing, and so we have to make sure you know unforgiveness will turn into bitterness, and you don't want to become a bitter person, right?

You don't want to become a bitter spouse.

And so that's the you know difference in a contract and a covenant.

No, we're in a covenant.

A contract is like and now, unless you're getting beaten and your death and your like life is at stake.

Okay, unless you're getting beaten and your death and you're like life is at stake, okay, you, you know it talks about divorce here.

We're not going into that, okay, but a lot of times people just give up.

You know, just, he did that or she did that, I'm out.

No, that's a contract.

A covenant is forever.

We're talking about a covenant and so it's.

It's different.

It's the way God intended it to be, and so I love you and I'm with you because I trust you and and I trust God, I can forgive you.

And so communication, you know, just go back, go back to first John 4, 18.

Perfect love cast out fear, and so we, we can't be fearful to communicate and to be real with one another.

And real sometimes means you might get hurt, right, we don't have real conversations and so one of us might get hurt.

But in the end game is like you can't have real communication without real honesty, right, it's just, it's just superficial.

You're at level five, four and three, and so you have to make sure to, to, to work on that.

We all can work on communication, right, just because people talk a lot doesn't mean they're really communicating right, but again, it's not something that you saw on some chick flick movie, the way you're communicating and oh, I love you and you know it's a godly way of communicating.

Yeah and that goes back to Romans 12 too, because the ideals and it says stop imitating the opinions and ideals of this culture.

And if you just look at movies all day long and if you just watch Netflix and you look at Facebook and people just put cute stuff on Facebook, they don't put the nasty stuff, they don't put the secrets right, You're just looking at what it looks.

Oh, it looks so cute, you don't know.

The know the real right and you think we're like growing up, we a lot of people talked about soap operas, because that was a huge thing in the 80s, evidently, but you know like it's still a big thing, like people pattern their lives after some actor or actress and you think we're kidding, but it happens over and over and over again.

They get their identity through some dumb show that has a fair affair and they think that's normal and that's what they want to do and what they want to look like, and that's not.

It's not what God wants, obviously.

And so here we are.

You know the absolute opposite, leading people in God's truth.

And so I just thought this one line trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets, meaning that it takes a while to gain someone's trust, but in a moment of time you can dump that whole bucket out and have somebody that you're married to that doesn't trust you, and so that's just the worst thing.

That really is terrible.

And so you know, no, instead of a lot of people treat it as a contract.

Well, I'm done.

I don't trust you anymore.

'm done, it's over.

Let me rip this contract.

No, that's a contract.

This is a covenant right.

It's forever and that's where your prayer life comes in.

Yes, and it's a supernatural thing to get two people to walk together it's not a natural thing, right so stop looking at it as a natural thing and in a natural realm, with all of your emotions all stirred up, and learn to trust again through your spirit.

Yeah, for sure.

The healing power of the Holy Ghost and not just some natural.

You know, love is way more than a feeling, right?

Yeah, for sure, yeah, it's an act yeah.

So you want to talk about the do's and don'ts of communication.

I know it's getting late, we can wrap it up.

I think we can cover some of these.

How about I just read down some of the do's Do listen, and.

I'll do the don'ts yeah.

Thanks, jay.

Do give your undivided attention, Do understand and make sure they understand.

You know we didn't get into really techniques of communicating, but mirroring back what the other person says is a great technique and that way you can hear your own words coming back and you, really, right off the bat, you I'll know if, when she uses that technique, I know exactly that, whether she understood or she didn't understand, especially if she adds a little sarcasm to it as well.

My Latina side comes out.

I love that side too.

Not just the food.

Do give opportunity to rephrase.

I'll be talking all the time, but let me rephrase that.

I'm sorry, rephrase.

I'll be talking all the time.

Let me rephrase that I'm sorry If you don't.

you don't have that mercy side of you and you you just go off and get all mad at the person because they phrase something wrong the first time I know.

Use your vocabulary, vocabulary and learn how to rephrase things like oh OK, they must not have understood.

You know, I'll never rephrase that.

When Miss Irma started working for us years ago, we would sit down at lunch and she would hear me say something, and she would be, you know, to Selena, and she'd be like you want to rephrase that she was just like a little mom, and so it helped.

Ms Irma said it.

I didn't say it.

You got to make sure she gets her water, or whatever.

Dear, what would you like?

You gotta make sure she gets her water, or whatever dear.

What would you like, would you?

You need a fork anyways?

No, not that, do respect.

Do think I don't have to be treated like a princess you don't have to get my own fork.

I will do stick to the subject, that's one that I don't do a lot um do you?

Respond wisely, do be open, do talk calmly and consistently.

Do explain how you feel, admit when you're wrong and be quick to apologize.

A lot of times this says do touch physically, Like if you're in an argument or whatever.

Even if like, just touch, you know like it calms, you know.

But a lot of times people don't want to know I'm not going to, you know, but just touching somebody and calming them down, it deflects, you know, for it to escalate Right.

Right.

Do communicate with God.

Okay, you want to do that?

Don't, don't avoid conflict, don't start harshly, don't interrupt, don't nag, nag, nag, nag.

Don't use always and never.

So with the nagging, like you know, their dish is always there, but eventually it gets tired.

Like, okay, you're gonna do dishes, you know, it's just like the same story.

No, we just just I, I just do the dishes.

Or he takes out the trash.

Why we don't just talk about taking out the trash?

Or who's gonna feed the dog?

Or we just do it whoever, whatever needs to be done is what needs to be done.

We don't just talk, we just don't nag, nag, nag don't always.

Oh, go ahead.

Don't use always and never and you and I statements like I you always come at me first thing in the morning, you never do the dishes.

You, you know it just always and never, and you know that's not gonna accomplish anything to just basically you're accusing someone of bad, so don't name call, keep going.

Yeah, don't fight to win, don't try to always be right.

Don't try to hurt, don't bring up the past.

Don't criticize harshly, don't attack the person, only the subject that's so important.

Don't text or email to express anger.

Nowadays, that's what people do.

They just use all the platforms and all the devices and we just got to bash each other.

No, don't do that.

Don't have secrets, don't go to bed angry, don't talk about divorce, don't yell, don't give the silent treatment and don't use violence.

And so these are basic, but so in important of the do's and the don't do's of marriage, um, anything you want to add.

Uh, just that violence.

Obviously an abuse should never happen, and that is a very big indicator of an immature person and so, um, I think, emotionally immature, but very spiritually immature as well.

So, obviously, if you're dealing with that, talk to somebody.

We're here 24 hours a day practically.

You know, don't go through, don't walk through something like that alone.

And so, if that's you, if that, if, if that really truly is happening um, not not that long ago we were, we were helping a family go through that and they separated and she got to a safe place, but it took, it took a little effort, and so, um, please reach out to us, amen.

Yeah, thank you guys for being here.

You know, just like we said at the beginning, you know just marriage.

I know we had parenting classes not too long ago.

Those are needed.

That's the number one thing is family.

The enemy is out to get the family and the marriages and our communication.

Where there's confusion, and that you know the enemy's there.

And so, and especially nowadays, where where husband goes this way and wife goes this way, and then when they don't get get to, a lot of times they, they work nine to five or really nine to nine or 10, and they come home and and then what is left, you know.

And so really just getting back to spending quality time together when we can, I mean, we work together.

We're together all the time and I'm thankful for that.

You know, I love being with Jay, I love working with Jay, but many husband and wives don't, and so, anyways, we could talk about marriage.

There's so many subjects.

This could be like a year long thing, but I'm thankful that we we got to teach a little bit about communication tonight.

It's so vital, so important.

So, so next week Pastor will be back and he'll be ministering on the subject.

I wanted to cover something real quick.

It was early last year.

I went through some health challenges and and it was a pretty dark time for me physically, and Selena was right there all along just picking up the slack but helping me and believing with me, believing God with me and getting me to say the right things and changing.

And just you know, not long before that, we had just made a decision.

We didn't like the way our marriage was going, and we're going to make a clear decision to change some things in our house.

And it changed the whole atmosphere.

And then, like what, three, four, five months later, that happened to me, and so I was glad that we had this firm foundation again, and I can't imagine going through that by myself or with someone that was half checked out or whatever, or not on the same team.

So our strategy was strengthen to fight the devil.

And so you say how did you allow your marriage to get to that spot?

Well, it's just not doing, the word of God.

And so just a little bit of transparency here, word of God, and so just a little bit of transparency here.

Like these.

Uh, all of these principles work, godly principles work, but you have to to put them in action.

And you got to be, you know, and, and, and it wasn't even really that, that, uh, big of a deal.

I just I didn't realize how many decisions we were making independently to really live two independent lives instead of the same, you know, under the same roof.

The gap just grows bigger.

There's a little gap and you just leave it.

It eventually grows bigger and so, but we close the gap and so praise God, and but it's just so important to pray together and to read our Bibles together, and not only for us.

But you're an example to your family.

Whether you rely by what you're doing and what you're not doing, you're an example to your family.

And so, um, quickly, we have these two out, um in the lobby.

If you've ever done the love languages five love languages by Gary Chapman Chapman, it's fun to do.

It's just questions to see what your spouse, like you know how their love language like quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation.

Anyway, it's out there.

We realize that neither one of us really like gifts, but it's okay, you can give me gifts.

It was just not number one.

It was like number three maybe, but it wasn't.

It wasn't my number one.

That's not how I feel about you.

Give me a gift, okay, whatever, but you don't talk to me.

Words of affirmation was my number one.

So let's go spend some time together, okay.

And then conversation starters for those of y'all who you know um need some conversation starters there.

There, anyways, those two they're not really that good, but they're good, like some of us need like a little kickstart, yeah, especially when you're first starting to get to know each other.

Amen, amen.

So pastor's going to come up.

Welcome your pastor as he comes up.

Hallelujah.