Marriage & Family 3

I'm going to teach tonight on the godly communication and agreement, not ungodly communication and agreement, godly communication.

We've got a lot of ungodly communication that can happen in a marriage, even with people that are believers.

So let's turn in our Bibles, ephesians chapter 5, first, and we read this week one.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

But it is a cornerstone of marriage, marriage, and want to read it again.

I have a couple of others concerning godly communication and agreement.

Ephesians, chapter five, verse 22,.

Wives, submit yourselves.

See.

The word submit does not mean obey it, just, you know, it means just line up and uh, and course we know what the husband has to do.

We talked about that at length on the first week.

A lot of people want to just say, oh well, you know my wife, she don't obey me.

I had a, you know, my brother did pastor's conferences in Mexico for a number of years and one of the pastors complained they would do marriage seminar because a lot of them have terrible marriages.

The culture was that some of the pastors had mistresses.

I mean, you know, they don't know anything If they hadn't been taught.

They don't know, they don't know.

That's wrong, that's their culture.

And so this pastor he's a pastor got a church and he told my brother, my wife, she don't obey me.

It's probably because this woman over here you've got as a mistress and you hadn't brushed your teeth in about five years.

Anyway, all right, wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, not unto your daddy, not unto somebody else.

Your own husbands as unto the Lord, under the Lord.

See, that's pretty strict, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church and he's the Savior of the body.

Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, let their wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives.

Even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, verse 28,.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.

He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

No man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord does the church.

So that's what we ought to do with our wives.

We ought to nourish them and cherish them.

So that's our cornerstone, and it's a bar, it's a standard.

Let's look at Matthew 18.

Standard let's look at Matthew 18.

We don't often look at these verses with marriage in mind, but we need to.

Matthew 18, verse 18, verily, I say unto you, whatsoever you shall bind on earth shall be bound in the heavenlies.

Matthew 18:18

Whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heavenly.

And again I say unto you that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything they shall ask, it shall be done for them.

Of my father, which is in heaven, for where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

So when you read that, with marriage, agreement and communication in mind, that's what the devil is opposing.

He does not want you to have authority.

He wants to do whatever he wants to do.

He doesn't want you to stand together and stop him.

He doesn't want you to stand together and loose the blessing.

Amen.

This is the whole cornerstone of why the devil hates marriage.

And, of course, we already discovered that marriage and family is the cornerstone of the church.

So without a firm foundation of marriage, the church is not really ready.

You know we're not ready, all right.

And then let's look at James, chapter one.

Again, we're thinking in line with communication, godly communication, james chapter one, verse 19.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath, for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

And then we turn over to chapter 3, james 3.

Verse 16.

For where envying and strife is, there is confusion, and every evil work and in my margin the word confusion has got a number by it.

It means tumult or unquietness.

Where envying and strife is, I mean, you start thinking that your spouse has got it too good, that you've got the load, that you're carrying the load and they've got a lighter load, so you're envying their position.

You're already deceived.

You're lying to yourself.

And strife Well, strife is just what we're talking.

That's not godly communication.

When you start raising your voice, I had a guy one time come to the church and he and his wife would just have knock-down drag-outs in front of the children.

Let me tell you something when you have strife in front of your children, it changes who they are.

I'm quoting Dr Phil.

Yeah, yeah, I listened to Dr Phil for a long time years.

I heard a lot of good stuff.

I heard some stuff I spit out, but I heard a lot of good stuff.

I watched a lot of good fruit.

I know he's an entertainer, but he is a counselor, he is a psychologist and he's a Christian, dr Laura.

I don't know if anybody remember Dr Laura, but she's a Jewish lady and I got a lot out of Dr Laura.

I mean, you know, I'm not a trained counselor, I don't counsel, I just pray for people.

But I've gleaned a lot of from people that are and he said this years ago and I've seen it, I've borne it out when you have strife in front of your children, it changes who they are.

Those little things go in their room, they shut the door and they get really quiet and they start trying to figure out what they have done to cause it.

They own your mess, they attribute it to them, they blame themselves.

So you know we've got to stop it at all costs, amen.

It's just, it's so much damage to strife.

And so in Amos 3, 3, can two walk together, except they be agreed?

The NLT says can two walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Can two walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Can two walk together except they make an appointment and have agreed Amplified Make an appointment.

Sometimes things are so that need communication and it's not time to have the communication, the communication.

Maybe there's raw, a little bit raw stuff going on.

You know you don't want it to be that way and just don't barge in there.

For instance, if I'm on my patio trying to put together a barbecue pit and it's 5,000 pieces and the instructions were written in a country called Lower Slobovia, have you noticed?

I mean, you can't follow directions printed.

They're ridiculous.

Nobody knows how to tell you how to put something together if you don't know how to do it yourself, and so I tend to get pretty frustrated.

So that's not the time for Gladys to come out there and talk to me about anything sensitive, because I'm already aggravated as I can be.

So you got to pick your time, don't you?

And so sometimes you need to make an appointment, you know, and hey, let's get together on this.

It's really important for us to get in agreement on the direction of what we're going to do about this particular situation.

All right, so a prayer that I like to pray is Romans 15.

I've prayed it many times for myself and for my family and for others that, especially others that I know are going through a tough time.

All good marriages suffer trouble.

You know you're not going to automatically fall in agreement with everything with each other.

I mean it takes, I mean 56 years.

I mean I finally got Gladys talking back to the television.

See, she never used to do that, but now she talks back to the television more than I do.

Romans 15.

We think alike, and at the beginning we didn't think alike at all.

I mean Venus and Mars, okay, romans 15, verse 5.

Romans 15:5

Now, the God of patience and consolation, grant you to be like-minded one toward another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may, with one mind and one mouth, glorify God, even the father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And so that's a wonderful Holy ghost spirit led prayer that you can pray over your spouse in preparation for your communication.

In fact, it ought to be something in your arsenal that you pray on a regular basis, Because the Holy Ghost will help you get into agreement.

The Holy Ghost has got a vested interest in your success.

So, godly, communication brings us together and keeps us together.

So, um, what are some of the reasons to communicate?

Well, number one is to express love and affection.

And if you're not expressing love and affection, well then your communication is void.

Love and affection is number one on the list and it has to be spoken.

Men, men have the hardest time.

Well, I'm just having a hard time saying I love you.

Well, change, I mean, come on, that's just a cop-out.

What are you worried about?

What are you embarrassed about?

See, it's fear is what it is.

Maybe you were raised in one of those houses and nobody ever hugged and nobody ever expressed themselves.

Well, okay, you're in a new house and you're now that you're the head of the house now and you're a Christian and you're coming to hey, you've got a chance, you got to get the word of God in you and be quick to say I love you.

Love and affection.

Number two to discuss dreams, desires and goals.

It doesn't have to be all about problems.

It can be about things that you're dreaming about, things that you see that you want your spouse to agree with.

I'm going to quit using partner, because partner is changed now.

Partner means weirdness, wokeness.

So I used to say partner because we are partners, but now, in today's day, they stole the word from us.

So I hesitate to use the word partner, because it kind of indicates that somebody's living together, like same-sex marriage or some kind of weird deal.

See, no, yeah, we are partners but we're spouses, and so discuss dreams, desires and goals.

You know, without Proverbs 29, 18,.

Without a vision, the people perish.

You need to have a vision, you need to have the same vision, and we talk about a lot of things on premarital counseling that we do.

If you come to us and say we want to be married in the church, then our requirement is that you come to us and say we want to be married in the church, then our requirement is that you come and sit with us for several sessions or we can go over with you.

And I'm not getting into those four things.

I'm going to name them tonight.

I'm not going to get into them, but there are some things that you need to have a vision for, and if you're on opposite sides of the four things, you're not going to have a very successful marriage.

You're going to spend a whole lot of time in conflict, and so it's better to know that before you tie the knot.

And yet when we get to see people, they're engaged, so it's kind of late, and sometimes, when we bring these things up, people go gulp.

And you know, listen, if you just run through the red light, the red flag is waving, trying to get your attention, and you just get bridge out, bridge out, and you just keep driving, amen.

So to discuss dreams, desires and goals.

You know, without a vision, people are made naked.

People cast off.

Restraint is another version.

Cast off restraint.

See, sometimes people want to live like they're single and still be married.

That's over.

You're not living like a single person.

Well, you know, I make my money.

I should be able to spend it.

Well, see, you're acting like a single person.

Well, you know, I make my money.

I should be able to spend it.

Well see, you're acting like a single person.

Now You're going to have to get over yourself.

You're going to have to change your thinking.

You know, it's a marriage, it's two, it's two.

Two has gone into one now, two has gone into one now.

So it's not you, it's not him, or it's not her, it's one, but it's both of you.

And then the final one is to air problems and solutions.

You know, if you don't air the problem, it's going to get bigger.

If you can't communicate enough to talk about a situation that needs attention, then you've got some real problems.

These problems are widespread.

They're financial problems, they're kid problems, they're health problems.

They're just, you know, everyday things.

Just little things can turn into big things, and so, and then you know we're gonna go over.

Uh, about 20 things I think I've got written down here.

Yeah see, this is not my normal kind of preaching.

I usually give you three, but here's 20, and I've already given you 15 already.

So you've got if you're taking notes, your pen's already out of ink so that's why you'll have to listen to it over and over again.

But really, one of the greatest reasons to have godly communication and agreement is to establish notice the word establish and keep romance alive.

You know, I've been doing this a long time.

I sat with a lot of messed up people with messed up marriages and many times they might have had a little spark when they got where they're engaged, but it seemed like the spark left as soon as they, you know, had the honeymoon and they don't know how to keep that alive and they don't even know that they should.

So the first thing is that all godly communication is built on intimacy.

Everybody say intimacy and I mentioned this in week one, but I'm going to mention it again because it's absolute true.

Intimacy slash romance is more than sex, but not less than sex.

No sex, no intimacy, no romance, no communication.

I mean, how can you communicate with somebody that's got a wall up.

Whatever the reason is.

We don't know what the reason is.

You know, everybody goes through things and sometimes there's temporary interruptions in our normal lives.

Maybe there's pregnancy, you know you have a baby.

Well, of course, you know you've just got to respect your spouse and all that, and health issues and whatever.

You know you've got certain things that occur and there's grace.

There's grace to cover that while you're going through it.

But when that's solved you've got to get back together.

Amen.

So the marriage act is the foundation of godly communication, it's the absolute.

And so when you don't have all these other things, then the marriage act becomes more of a duty, it becomes more mechanical, it becomes less an act of love and more of just something you do and then you kind of roll over and forget it.

See, that's not healthy, that doesn't meet the needs of the marriage, needs of the marriage.

So here's some things.

Here there's 20 things.

I said Communication Call, don't text.

Call to say I love you.

I mean, your spouse needs to hear your voice.

Not some text, not some heart.

That's a heart, okay, I just don't put a heart there.

This is the modern see, this is the modern spirit of this age that's leaked into Christian marriage and is wearing it down.

It's eating it away at it.

You know, the text can be handy for a lot of things, but not for intimacy and not for communication of love to your spouse.

It's just not sufficient.

Number one women are auditory.

They must hear men, your voice, say I love you, I need you, I'm thinking about you, honey.

What's been going on with you today, thinking about you?

Well, I'm so busy.

Where you're too busy, get unbusy.

How long does it take?

It doesn't take you.

You don't have to have a long conversation.

Just like that.

Just like that, and then praise I mean praise your spouse, and especially praise them about their looks, which means, then, that you ought to pay attention to how you look, and I mean both sides.

I'm not talking about just the wife, I'm talking about the husband.

I mean you just walk around the house with some old, holy t-shirt on and dirty shorts and ugly looking shoes that look like they were worn out 10 years ago.

Holy, old, dirty tennis shoes with no socks on that's how they dress at the airport.

Any shoes with no socks on, that's how they dress at the airport.

When I go to the airport, I see, I watch people and I think God, what are they dress?

How do they dress at home?

They stink.

Now.

What do they smell like at home?

How do you get out in public looking like that?

Well, it's just going on the airplane.

Anyway, I guess if I sat next to a lizard, I'd probably maybe I'd dress down a little bit, or a peacock, somebody's comfort animal, I might dress down a little bit, write love notes I know that's out of style.

How long does it take just to put, put a little something on on something and stick it on there?

Maybe you leave before they're awake and put it on the bed, or you put it on the kitchen counter or something.

Just write a little love note, little heart, hugs and kisses, circles and X's something to let your partner know.

A partner.

There it is.

Again your spouse know that you're thinking about them that way.

I'm talking about keeping something, establishing something and then keeping it alive, because it will die without any attention.

It'll die.

Hold hands, men, hug and kiss oh, I don't like doing that in public.

Why not Used to?

What did you do when you were courting?

I still remember Bob and Sylvia, my brother's in heaven.

Now Sylvia's doing great.

We talk from time to time.

But I still remember when they were dating.

I was just a kid, you know, and they were dating and I think he was still in college and she might have been a senior in high school, and they'd come over to the house and they'd just sit there and she'd just coo and look at him and they were disgusting and it was embarrassing.

It's just, you're so funny, anyway, but you know you just take each other for granted.

You just leave that behind.

No, just keep it alive.

You ever watch?

Regarding Henry Harrison Ford and Ned Binning.

Harrison Ford plays this highfalutin attorney.

He gets shot in the head because he's an arrogant goofball.

You know he's totally.

He's a terrible person, horrible person.

You know he's totally.

He's a terrible person, horrible person.

And he goes to get cigarettes late at night at this little grocery in his neighborhood in New York, you know.

And this guy's robbing the place and he smarts off and the guy shoots him in the head, and so now his whole life changes.

He's in the hospital and doesn't look like he's ever going to wake up.

His wife is.

She's just so terrified that he's not going to make it.

And so finally he does make it.

He wakes up and then he he has enough money as a big high shot lawyer, full partner in his firm, that he you know uh has the best of care and he gets through rehab.

He has to learn how to talk, he has to learn how to walk, but when he's all done, when he's all said and done and he's through with everything, he's kind of like Forrest Gump.

He's just very simple.

He's not as brilliant, he still knows a little bit about the law, but he can't handle the law practice, except to mess it up, because he goes through the law and he finds out where they cheated and then he calls the client and said hey, we lied on this right here, you can, you ought to call your attorney.

You know they started doing that.

They got rid of him, you know.

But anyway, he and his wife were walking in Central Park and they were holding hands and she said oh honey, it's just so.

I'm so happy.

You never wanted to hold my hand before and you're holding my hand.

He said really, you like that?

He said well, come here.

And he grabbed her and he put her up on a park bench.

And they got up on the park bench and they just wrapped each other up and he planted a big old kiss right on her lips and they're just making out in the park on the top of the park bench, and so this horty-torty woman and her husband, who's another law partner, came strolling by and they're going.

Oh my God, you know, they just it grossed them out, but he was so innocent that he didn't.

He wasn't ashamed to express his love in public.

Now, I'm not saying you have to go that far with public displays, but don't be ashamed of your spouse.

I mean, you know, let her know that you love her.

Let him know you love him.

Amen.

Keep the romance alive.

All right, come home early for a date.

People leave work to go to an Astros game.

Why don't you leave early to go home and say, honey, get a babysitter, let's go out spur of the moment.

Why do you have to plan everything?

You didn't, and when you were dating you didn't plan everything.

You did stuff spontaneous.

I'm talking about keeping romance alive, keeping the fire burning.

It ought to be.

It ought to be burning all the time, and sometimes it gets real hot and sometimes it's just simmer, but it's on um, steal away for a weekend.

Oh, we can't afford that Well, yeah, you can.

Actually, you can do whatever you really prioritize to do.

You make room for lots of things.

I'm just saying if you want a marriage that's going to last like mine, 56 years you steal away every now and then for a weekend.

We would hire my cousin to come and watch the kids when they were little and we'd be gone for a week.

Could we afford it?

Well, maybe technically we couldn't, but we always wound up making it happen and it was worth it.

Be courteous, that's not hard, is it?

Being polite, go to bed together and early.

Quit staying up late to watch the late movie while your spouse is, you know.

Go to bed together.

Brag on your mate when you're at work or somewhere else without that mate being present.

Brag on them and tell a third party what a blessing they are, how much you love them, how much, what you know, how, how great they are, and then tell them that you did it.

You know I was bragging on you today, honey, send flowers.

Don't ever forget, forget a birthday or anniversary.

I mean, if you do that, guys, guys are the ones that do.

They're the ones that forget dates.

Don't ever forget that date.

Don't ever, don't ever forget the dates, get the dates seared.

I mean, you've got all these smart devices now, calendars and everything.

There's no excuse.

But in between you ought to do things, you ought to buy things, just because just buy, buy a little thing, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Just buy her something.

Let her know you're thinking about her in that way.

I'm talking about the romantic way.

I'm not talking, oh all right, here's one, here's one.

Be eager to do things that you don't, that don't interest you.

Be eager to do things.

And hey, when you do, don't don't expect a gold medal, just do it.

And you know, after 56 years, we like to do the same things.

Now, it used to be she didn't care anything about cars, she just her eyes would glaze over.

And now she loves.

She loves watching cars and noticing cars.

Now, all those years later, she just loves it.

She loves what I love I you know what I like shopping.

I mean, I used to just sit in the food court while she went through the mall.

I remember one time we went to the Galleria and I was in some health issues and I had short of breath and she was walking so fast.

I got short of breath.

I said, hey, I'll tell you what.

Just put a flag on my head and sit me over here and come back and get me when you're done.

She out.

I mean, I couldn't keep up, I was huffing and puffing.

But now you know, we love to shop.

I mean when we go to places, I mean if we go on a vacation or something, man, I love to take her shopping.

I shop for her.

I finally learned how to buy her clothes that she likes.

It took me 56 years.

At first I couldn't buy anything she liked.

I mean, if I'd buy it, it just didn't make the team, you know, and of course I always gave her grace to take it back and get what she wanted.

But be eager to do things that don't interest you and spend time together.

I know that's what we're talking about.

Schedule it, don't wait for it to happen.

Schedule the time together.

Don't wait for it to happen.

Protect your day off.

Protect your day off.

If you got a day off, protect it.

That's when you spend time together.

That's not the time that you go golfing with your buddies.

That's not the time you go fishing.

You got a day off and you make sure that you spend time with your spouse.

You don't go out with the ladies.

You know, a lot of that stuff in our society has skewed and it's the reason why there's infidelity in marriages, because there's all these separate social interactions Like well, you know, it's just at my work, our coworkers, we went to lunch.

Yeah right, you got to guard yourself and guard yourself with the opposite sex and don't put yourself in that position.

The Bible says flee the appearance of evil.

And I'm going to tell you something for a married man or woman to be at lunch with someone not their spouse, is pretty bad.

Well, we had a business.

Now, really, did you?

Because I've been around a long time and I've heard every excuse and I've seen the end of that, and the end of that is never good.

Maybe you've had that happen to you so you could testify.

Well, I'm not asking you to do that to you so you could testify.

Well, I'm not asking you to do that.

But I'm just saying let's, let's guard our day off and let's reserve that if possible.

I mean, every now and then it's not wrong to have separate plans.

I'm not against, you know, things that that men or women do by themselves, that's fine.

But it ought to be not, it ought to be the exception, not the rule.

All right, remember your passwords, and they need to be daily and often.

I love you.

Thank you, honey.

I'm sorry I was wrong, please forgive me.

Memorize that and have it on hand, because we all misspeak, we all speak when we should have kept quiet, we all misunderstand, we all do that.

But when you do, don't defend it.

Just go ahead and say oh honey, I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me, and just get it under the blood, get it off the table, don't let it sit there.

Don't let it sit there.

Well, what if she doesn't forgive me?

Well then God will deal with her.

Or if he doesn't forgive you, god will deal with him.

Have you got a prayer life?

Can you pray for him?

Pray that prayer in Romans 15.

Lord, make us like-minded one toward another, according to Christ Jesus, and he'll do it.

We said this last week Never say you always.

You never Get that out of your vocabulary, because that's accusatory.

It's not true anyway.

Nobody always does something.

Nobody never does something.

It's always somewhere in between, and so it's a lie.

Get that out of your vocabulary.

You should or shouldn't out of your.

It's like you're the teacher, like you're the mama, or like you're the daddy or something and you're talking down to your.

You're the mama, or like you're the daddy or something, and you're talking down to your spouse.

No, you shouldn't.

No, just get rid of that.

You don't have to be their prosecuting attorney.

All right, this next one is really important Be a good listener.

This is something that you have to develop.

I mean, I had to really develop this because I was a terrible listener.

I did all the talking most of the time and because I'm a preacher, I still do a lot of the talking.

So I have to be mindful of that.

When I'm not preaching, when I'm just at lunch or something, I just need to make sure I just shut up and let my spouse have something to say, or whoever we're out with, if we have other guests.

Be a good listener.

Number one undivided attention.

Men.

Turn the television off, get the phone out of your, you know.

Listen to your wife, make eye contact.

Why am I saying picking on men?

Because women, on average, speak 25,000 words every day and men speak 10,000.

So you see, there's a huge difference between men and women.

Women need to be heard.

That's why they talk.

They talk a lot.

They say something a lot more complicated than you're used to hearing.

Men are used to having everything reduced to headlines.

Let's just have the headlines.

You know, if women could talk in headlines, it makes it so much easier.

But no, what do women do?

They're the fine print.

They're the fine print and you're not going to change them.

You might be a headline guy, but you've got to be down for the fine print.

You've got a.

You've got to listen to the end of the article, all the way down in section 27 e, and I had to develop that because I wanted to end, I wanted to, I wanted to interrupt, I wanted to.

Okay, well, yeah, okay, I get the dread.

Oh, yeah, no, you didn't.

You just, you know, let her talk, let her communicate, let her speak her piece and then, when she's done that, you don't have to have an answer.

Now, this is the hardest thing for me, because I always wanted to fix whatever the thing was, even even if she didn't.

She wasn't looking for an answer, she just wanted me to listen.

And I'm sitting there while she's talking, I'm formulating my answer, I'm formulating the solution to the problem which I've misdiagnosed already because I wasn't listening.

Does this sound familiar to anybody.

You don't have to have an answer.

You don't have to think about an answer or a solution.

You don't have to have the last word.

The fact that you listened and then you know you ought to repeat some of what she she is saying.

I'm saying she's talking to you because that's kind of the pattern.

I mean, 25,000 words means that they've got to talk when they get home.

You're both working, which, by the way, that's not God's plan.

I'm not saying that for you to feel guilty or for you to change what you're doing.

I am saying it, you're not designed to do it, and so, therefore, you've got to cling to the word and have a workaround in order to satisfy this communication, because women are different than men.

They have a need to be heard and they're auditory.

They want to hear what you say.

But if you're going to cut them off, or you're going to correct them, or you're going to try to solve the problem without hearing the whole thing, you're going to mess it all up.

All right, it all up, all right.

So, eye contact full of tension, repeat key statements back to her so that she knows you're listening.

Oh, that's man.

When I found that out, that was gold star time, because now see, she's happy, now she's satisfied, she's not frustrated.

When she finishes, she knows she's been heard.

If it is a situation where she has aired a problem, you don't have to solve the problem right there.

You can just say honey, I hear you.

Let's just believe God together.

There's a solution to this.

I may not know what it is right this minute, but you know I heard what you said.

I just want you to know.

I agree with you.

We're going to get down to this.

So, bottom line, listening is loving.

That's what it is.

Listening is loving.

You want to love your wife.

Listen to her.

You want to love your husband, listen to him.

You getting anything out of this?

I said this, I think, in week one, but you know, the men are 10,000 words a day, women 25,000.

So then, men, you're going to have to pick up and be willing to speak, because they're listening, they want to hear something besides a grunt.

And if you waste all your words on your friends and on your coworkers and have nothing left for your family when you get home, that's on you.

You just emptied yourself out and you want to be left alone.

Well, that's not what's needed.

When you get home.

You don't see back.

You know, with the cleavers, you know, leave it to Beaver.

I mean, he came home and he got his slippers and he got his pipe and his wife was a slave in the kitchen and she did everything for him.

That's in the 50s.

Well, that's over now.

So we've got two income families.

So both I mean my wife when we got married she helped put me through college and then when we moved to Houston and we were still without children we didn't have children right away she drove in this Houston traffic total.

She worked really for eight years before we had kids.

She was a career girl, I mean, she was in demand.

She was an executive secretary and after Claire was born she went back to work and went downtown.

I mean she drove every day.

See, I didn't even have traffic to fight, I built houses in the neighborhood.

She's the one that drove all the way downtown when we were first married, when we first moved to Houston, she drove from Spring all the way to West Park and 59, texaco you talk about a drive.

And then after that, then she worked downtown off of McKinney and fought that traffic every day, twice a day, and and so you know to.

When she got home, she was tired, but she still wanted to talk.

I had to learn.

I had to learn how to be patient enough and, of course, back in those years, I wasn't saved.

I have learned a few things since I got saved.

Hallelujah, all right.

So my point is that women are auditory, men are visual, so we need to keep that in mind.

Men, your wife needs your voice, and women, your man needs you to look nice.

He needs that.

All right, the contest may be over, but the competition is not.

Keep on doing what you did when you were trying to win each other.

Does anybody remember the courtship process?

Does anybody remember how that was?

It's been a long time for me, but I still remember.

I always tried to put my best foot forward and I always cared about all those things.

I always cared about whether my hair was combed and whether my clothes were clean and all of that kind of thing.

And you'd say so, let's the competition's not.

What do you mean?

The competition's not over?

Well, here's the thing your wife is probably working.

We have a few single moms in here, but most everybody has two income families now.

So when we have a gap in our marriage and we're not communicating properly.

And again, the marriage, intimacy, is the bedrock of all communication.

Without that there isn't any, it's all for naught.

But when you have that, and then again there's a lot of issues with that because of pressure, because stress it affects your marriage, like that.

But anyway, when there's a gap, the devil always will send a substitute and this is the infidelity I talked about.

A lot of the infidelity comes because the devil knows how to fill the needs that are unmet in the marriage.

All right, so keep winning them.

Don't stop just because you've been married a long time.

Just keep doing the things you used to do, keep saying the things of love, you know.

Just keep aggressively.

And I you know, I know I understand what I'm talking about, because you've got kids, you've got a career, you've got a lot of things on the plate.

That's another thing that we're not really designed to multitask and we're not designed to have women work outside the home.

So what am I saying that for?

I'm saying you've got to pull in the loose ends and substitute.

You've got to work that much harder.

You've got to pray that much harder.

You can't afford not to pray.

You've got got to work that much harder, you got to pray that much harder.

You can't afford not to pray.

You got to have a prayer life.

You got to have a prayer life, all right.

So five needs of women.

Here's the women are auditory, right, they.

They care about what they hear, they.

So what do they need?

They need affection, closeness, tenderness.

So the marriage bed is undefiled, okay, and so you have your marriage act.

And besides that, though, they need something more than that.

They need closeness and tenderness.

They need to be held, they need to be loved, they need to be spoken to.

Afterwards, don't just roll over guys and go to sleep, is what I'm saying.

Let's complete the intimacy and give the wife what she needs.

She needs that other as much as the physical side of it Conversation.

We talked about that.

Women need conversation.

You might have been tapped out.

Well, quit being tapped out.

Quit talking to everybody so long.

Quit going to lunch with all your buddies for two hours.

I mean, hey, you know, just shut some of this stuff down and turn your attention, especially if you're having trouble.

If you're having trouble, your hair's on fire.

It's time to change what you're doing, because what you're doing isn't working.

Everybody say conversation, openness.

Openness is transparency.

I mean, when your wife say we're talking about needs of women, when they find out, if they just suspect that you've got something you're hiding, okay, it's devastating.

Don't ever hide anything.

You might pick a time to talk about it, but you don't hide anything from your wife.

Well, I just didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to upset her.

Well, you know you're wrong because she's your equal, your heirs together, the grace of life.

She has every right to know what you know.

And so openness.

You have to be open.

A woman needs financial security.

What do I mean by that?

Well, a woman is, by nature and way, she's wired by God.

She is a nest builder.

She's building a nest.

When her nest is threatened, she goes through a lot of stress, she goes haywire.

There's a whole lot of bad stuff happens in marriages.

When there's great financial pressure and the threat of foreclosure, which I've lived through, I know exactly what it's like.

I know exactly what it's like not to have a home to go to.

We weren't homeless, but we were homeless as far as what I provided.

I had to live with my sister.

Those were tough days and uh, and it threatened Gladys's uh, nest building.

But she was a nest builder.

I mean, she was a stay-at-home mom then.

For the majority of the rest of the time we were married, raised, did all the you know all of the kid thing.

Not that wasn't involved, but she was way more involved.

She was a room mother.

I mean, we'd go to Luby's standing in line.

These mothers would come.

Oh, gladys, oh, I knew her from such and such.

Oh, we served together there, we were in da-da-da-da-da, and she knew everybody.

She was involved.

They need financial security.

I failed a lot of times to provide that, for thank god we're still married.

That's not true today, praise the lord.

And then they need family commitment.

So, men, you know, if you're too busy making a living to make a life, you're too busy.

So you gotta, gotta, turn your attention to the family commitments.

You got to be there for your kids.

You got to be there for those games.

You got to be there for those events.

I know that, all men, there's a lot of high pressure, there's a lot of stuff that goes on and more and more of these large companies want to suck the life out of you.

They want to demand everything from you.

I was talking to a guy that I used to go to A&M with Don Valentine, john Moore Plumbing.

You've seen his ads on TV.

Well, he used to be.

He roomed in my dorm at A&M 40 years ago, 50-something years ago, and I knew his twin brother, danny Danny and Donnie, that's what they were and he looked me up, he called me and so we had a good chat.

I asked about his brother and he said oh, he's retired, he had to retire, he had health issues, he was working for a big brokerage firm in New York.

He had to retire, he had health issues, he was working for a big brokerage firm in New York and his boss moved in next door to him and began to demand all kind of stuff 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and it just broke him down, broke him down and this guy, when I knew him, was the funniest.

He was like Steve Martin.

In fact, he looked like Steve Martin.

Remember Steve Martin, you know, crazy guy.

We're wild and crazy guy.

Anyways, he was like that.

He was crazy, just hilarious to be around, and Don was more, you know, normal, like he is on TV.

But anyway, my point is that I understand the pressure that men are under, and also women now that they're in the marketplace.

But women need the family time.

It's got to be a priority.

So, guys, keep that in mind talking about keeping your marriage going the fires burning.

Five needs of men.

Again, men are visual.

They're moved by what they see.

That's how they're designed.

God designed them.

God designed women, god designed men.

And they're different.

How many of you are glad they're different?

I'm glad they're different, praise God.

Sexual fulfillment on top of the list.

Or you can say it this way, and I think I can say it sexual release.

I mean there needs to be a release for the man.

He needs to have that, and so it's the wife's job to make sure that that happens.

And I know that you need to be available.

His job is to pursue you.

Your job is to be pursuable, and I know that there's compromise in every situation.

I know there's times when it just needs to be negotiated out.

But just keep that in mind because and again, the frequency level, if you, if, if one of one, one of the spouse's passion level is here and the other one is here, then you see there's going to be a problem.

Somebody's needs are not going to get met.

Who's going to make sure they're met?

The devil, the devil is going to find somebody to put put in that gap right there, because you're both out there in the marketplace.

Are y'all with me now Just talking, frank?

I mean, it's just as Frank as I can make it.

You've got to close that gap.

And how do you close it?

Where you communicate and you have to talk and you have to get into agreement without a bunch of anger and you know, accusation and all of that kind of thing.

Number two recreational companionship.

Women need family commitment, family companionship, but men need that recreational.

So you know, girls, you just, you know, go along with your husband on some things, you know, go along with your husband on some things.

You know, go.

I can't imagine playing golf with Gladys.

I can't even imagine that.

And that never happened and probably never will now Because I don't play golf anymore.

I got too mad and I gave it up because it just wasn't enjoyable.

I'm competitive, that's just how it is.

I mean, you know, but we'll play cards, we play dominoes, we just, you know the kids will come over, we'll have a big old domino thing, we'll have a card thing.

Whatever we do, you know, we're always spending time around each other.

A man needs an attractive spouse.

Well, pastor, I wasn't born.

Listen, I don't care whether you were born attractive.

You were attracted to him.

He married you.

Now you just do what you can do to make yourself presentable.

If you know what he likes, give it to him.

Every man has a like.

You must know what he likes.

So if he likes a certain way that for you to dress, then don't be dressing for everybody else.

Dress for him.

Dress the way he likes you to dress.

I'm not talking about being immodest.

I'm not talking about looking like some streetwalker.

I'm just talking about you dress for him.

You give makeup that he likes.

I guess there are some men that don't like makeup.

I don't know who they are, but if he's really weird, maybe he doesn't like makeup.

I tend to like makeup.

I think a little paint on a barn goes a long way.

It goes a long way.

I told Gladys the other day.

I said, honey, your lipstick, where I'm going to buy you some more.

I don't like that old pale that looked like a cadaver.

I want something bright red.

Y'all tell her she needs bright red lipstick.

All right, give him what he wants.

How hard is it?

It's not hard to give him what he wants.

They're leaving now.

They just tell you how it is it.

It's not hard to give him what he wants.

They're leaving now.

They just stay hurt.

Did I offend you too?

I'm sorry, please forgive me.

Dominus phobiscum, all right, what time is it?

Oh, man, it's, I'm gonna have to pick this up.

He needs domestic support Again.

See, with two income families what gives?

Well, the washing, the dishes, the vacuuming, the cleaning, what gives?

That gives?

That gives because nobody's got the energy to do it.

And so then you know the tendency for the man, see, because he's wired this way, he wants the house kept, but he doesn't want to do it.

And so then you know the tendency for the man, see, because he's wired this way, he wants the house kept, but he doesn't want to do it.

Well, that's wrong.

I've already addressed that week one.

You know you're not too good to wash dishes, you're not too good to pick up the vacuum cleaner and do some and help your wife keep the house up.

And if you've got kids they're not too good to.

You know they can pitch in and you can take some time and get that done.

But at the same time, sometimes in today's modern society the wife comes into a marriage and she's got really pitiful hygiene habits.

She lives in a slop hole.

In college she lived with roommates 14 girls in one bedroom apartment, all in one bath, and it looks like a bomb went off.

See, you're going to have to.

You're going to have to own that.

You're going to have to.

You're going to have to understand that a man has got to have a home.

You're the nest builder.

Have to understand that a man has got to have a home.

You're the nest builder, so build it, build it.

Well, I work full.

Okay, well, you knew that.

I'm just telling you this is part of the negotiation that has to take place.

Something has to break.

And if you're going to require your husband to do everything and you're not going to do anything, see, that's going to be a deal breaker at some point, because he just what the devil's going to find somebody.

Devil not going to do anything.

See, that's going to be a deal breaker at some point, because the devil's going to find somebody.

The devil's going to find somebody that cooks and cleans.

They're out there.

Are you with me now?

And then a husband, lastly, needs admiration, respect and praise.

Admiration, respect and praise.

He needs that.

He needs to be undergirded.

He needs to be reinforced because outed.

He needs to be reinforced because out there he has been diminished every day.

He's got people that are making unreasonable demands on him.

I know because I'm pastor here and I hear all kinds of garbage.

I mean we have the worst it's ever been in management now.

It's horrible.

These people don't know squat and they just let everything go downhill and they treat people like dirt.

And so when your husband has to be out there and has to be treated like dirt just to keep a paycheck going, then he's going to need a lot more encouragement.

He's going to need a soft place to land.

He's going to need a clean place to land.

He's going to need somebody to scratch his neck and scratch his back and sit on his lap and tell him some good stuff.

All right, okay, let's get to here.

Common hindrances.

Here are some hindrances to godly communication.

Number one making too many assumptions.

Take time to get on the same page.

You know, swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

That'll help you get on the same page, because when you listen, when you really really listen to your wife, men, then she's communicating with you Now you.

Now you know where she's coming from.

See, until you know where she's coming from, you make too many assumptions.

Well, I just assumed you knew I loved you.

I'll go to work every day.

Well, that's kind of stupid, I mean.

No, you've got to show her.

She's got to hear it.

And men, you know, you have to show him, he's got to see it.

Women have to hear it, men have to see it.

I mean, you kind of know the difference.

Af got to know the difference, afraid to hurt feelings or give provocation, hindrance to godly community.

Well, I can't tell her that she might fly off.

I can't tell him that he might just hit the ceiling.

Well, see, that begs another problem.

See, you need to grow up and quit acting like a baby, because there's always problems and there's always things to solve, and that doesn't give you the permission, you know, to just fly off the handle.

I had a guy one time that got so mad at his wife and he's a spirit-filled Christian and he hit the sheet rock wall and broke his hand.

I mean, how dumb can you get?

What message are you sending?

And he got two kids.

They saw it happen.

I mean, what kind of a message are you seeing?

You're completely out of whack, see.

So when that hinders communication, then you've got to change that dynamic.

You know you can't wear your feelings on your sleeve.

You've got to have enough emotional quotient EQ.

You know there's IQ, intelligent quotient EQ, emotional quotient, which is emotional maturity.

Have enough emotional maturity to be able to hear bad news and not fall apart and blame your wife or shoot the messenger.

That's just so immature, amen.

And so when you realize that your normal method of expression is an explosion of temper, or it's whining or complaining, or the silent treatment, when you're the silent treatment Now, all of those are fixable, every bit of those I mean you're sinning, you're doing the wrong thing, you're sending the wrong message, you're not doing your part, you're not communicating in godly fashion.

Fear of rejection or embarrassment?

Fear of rejection or embarrassment?

Well, that just means that you're not being transparent enough, you're hiding behind a facade and you're afraid to share your deepest feelings.

You shouldn't ever be afraid of that.

And if you're afraid to share your deepest feelings, you shouldn't ever be afraid of that.

And if you're afraid, then why are you?

Is it because it's come back on you and it's used against you when you have an argument?

So when you're going to use somebody's secrets, their secret things that they're dealing with in themselves, and you're going to use that as a weapon against them the next time you have an argument.

Well, you're just on your way to having another split or a split up, or maybe even another split up.

See, a lot of these habits when you have blended families.

A lot of these things are the reason why you split up the first time.

I'm talking to blended families.

Now, a lot of times these are bad habits you had before, and now you have a chance to get that fixed, because if you hear this, you can kind of yeah, you know, that's the way it was in my first marriage.

Well, hey, don't let it be in your second, don't let it be in your second.

Just start taking inventory of what you need to change, how you need to change, and so then you have, when you are going to talk about something that's sensitive, something that has to be changed, has to be answered, whatever it is.

If it's a financial problem, if it's a problem with the children, maybe they've got behavior problems in school, maybe they've got a bad, maybe the doctor has, you know, some kind of bad report.

And so you know there are two major keys.

Number one timing.

When we talked about the timing, the more sensitive the matter, the more important is the timing, and so there's a time to keep silent, there's a time to speak, and so you just don't just barge in and just dump the trouble on your spouse and expect it to be well-received.

You just keep everything at the right time.

And then the second thing is the method and how you say it.

If you tend to be a whiner or a complainer, or you tend to be, you know loud and all of that you know.

You just have to turn the temperature down, turn it down.

My example is 1 Samuel 25, abigail versus Michael.

They're both married to David, but Michael was a goofball.

Michael made fun of David, mocked him when he was praising God and said oh, how vain the king was today, with his skirt up above his head, all the virgins of Israel are looking at you and you know that was Saul's daughter.

Saul withheld Michael.

Michael killed a thousand Philistines for her hand and then huh, david, sorry David.

David killed a thousand Philistines for Michael's hand and Michael was given to another man and Saul.

You know Saul was insecure and he so he never had her.

That was his first, he was in love with her and he didn't have her.

And so when he became king, the first thing he required is Michael, I want her right here.

And she was just a.

She just was not glad about it, she was mad about it, and so but then you say Abigail.

See, abigail was married to a goofus, you know, and, uh, you know he, he treated David's men shamelessly and wouldn't give them anything, wouldn't give them food and everything, and and cut their garments off short and all of that, send them on their way.

And David came riding up to kill him and she went out and and fell, fell on her face and made intercession.

Oh be it, far from my Lord to to have vengeance on somebody like him.

He's just a churlish.

Oh, be it, far from my Lord to have vengeance on somebody like him.

He's just a churlish.

Oh, he's just.

You know, he can't.

He's just so foolish.

You know, don't, don't, don't.

I've got you taken care of she.

She had laded donkeys full of food and everything to make up for it, and a few days later that guy kills over dead.

And I mean she became David's wife.

See, I mean she knew how to talk, she knew how to meet his need.

Are you with me now?

So when we put all these things together, you know, the main thing is, when you have agreement, you have such power that whatever you'd say no to, it's going to be stopped at the gate.

Whatever you say yes to is going to come right in and be a blessing, and whatever you get an agreement about, god is going to take note of it and he's going to give it to you, because you're walking in concert with each other, in agreement with each other.

But it does take a lot of conversation, it takes a lot of humility, it takes a lot of love.

The love that we have is not the human love that we're surrounded by this, this kind of love scratch my back, I'll scratch yours that's not love.

That's not.

That's not the love we have.

We have the love of god, and it's always other person oriented.

The husband's always trying to love his wife, as Christ loved the church.

He's trying to protect her, he's trying to nurture her, he wants to always have the best for her and vice versa.

It's coming right back at him.

And really, when you start mastering these things, they don't come overnight, they don't come the first week or two or year or two.

But if you know about them, you can begin to move in your prayer life, you can begin to move in your word of faith, you can begin to confess properly and you can change the way that you, uh, relate to each other and get more and more communication, godly communication, into agreement.

Praise God, lift your hands and receive tonight.

Praise the Lord, hallelujah.

You know there's four main challenges for agreement that I'm not going to cover tonight, and this is one of the things we cover in our premarital counseling, and that's church, sex, money and children.

Those four topics, and when two people are engaged, we take them through a checklist have you communicated with each other?

I mean, if you're about to get married, you've got to have some frank conversations.

You can't just have this doe-eyed romantic thing about you.

Really, it's a covenant that has to be negotiated.

The terms of the covenant have to be negotiated.

So, for instance, children I mean you're going to get married each of you for the first time.

There's no children involved.

So what are your goals?

Oh, I want seven, at least seven kids.

And the other one says I don't want any kids.

Well then, hey, that's don't go any further.

You're not ever going to agree.

You're too far apart.

It's better to know that before you send out the invitations, it's better to know that than before you book the venue for the reception.

You know, and so hopefully in teaching this it'll spur people to have more frank conversations before they get that far along.

I mean, you know you need to know about somebody's church and whether they're believers and whether you're going to be equally yoked with them.

Are they spirit-filled?

Do they speak in tongues?

Do they believe the word of faith?

Are they Baptist?

I mean, find out.

I mean, are they Methodist?

Are they Episcopal?

Are they members of a cult?

I mean they're not.

You know, you need to find that out before you go very far.

Amen.

So these things, they're just kind of, they're really simple, but they're absolutely critical for a marriage to succeed to have agreement across these four things.