The Fifth Word: Honor Your Father and Mother

American psychologist and family physician Leonard Sacks authored a book entitled Collapsed Parenting.

And he recollects an encounter he had with a patient.

He says, Kyle was absorbed in a video game on his cell phone.

So I asked his mom, how long has Kyle had a stomachache?

Mom said, I'm thinking it's been about two days.

Then Kyle replied, shut up mom.

You don't know what you're talking about.

And he gave a snorty laugh.

Without looking up from his video game.

Kyle was 10 years old.

Sacks continues, I've been in a position for 29 years.

Distorted language and behavior from a 10 year old was very rare in the 1980s and 1990s.

It would have been unusual a decade ago.

It is common.

America's children are emerged in a culture of disrespect.

For parents, teachers, and one another.

They learn it from television.

Even on the Disney Channel, where parents are portrayed as clueless, out of touch, or absent.

They learn it from celebrities or the internet.

They learn it from social media.

They teach it to one another.

Our society's belief in ineluctable progress and individual autonomy create a fertile ground for Christal independence and contempt for whatever is old.

So there's a general disregard and dismiss that toward all that is old and a favorable action of what is new.

And in this kind of environment, children, it's easy for children to learn that their parents and grandparents are not with the times.

That they are out of touch with reality.

That they don't know what they are talking about.

Respect for one elder is not one of the prized virtues here in the United States today.

But this is not a biblical perspective.

When it comes to our faith and life in Christ, Jeremiah 6.16 commands us to walk in the ancient past.

Where the good way is.

Not in the newfangled past, but in the ancient past.

1 Timothy 5.5 says,

You who are younger, be subject to the elders.

1 Timothy 5.1 says,

Do not rebuke an older man, but encourage him that you would have followed.

Leviticus 19.32 says,

You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man.

And you shall fear your God.

I am the Lord.

Why?

Because Job 12.12 says,

Wisdom is with the ages.

And understanding in the length of days.

Proverbs 16.31 says,

Gray hair is a crown, a glory.

It is gained in a righteous life.

According to Isaiah 3.5,

When the youth are insolent to the elders,

that's a sign of divine judgment.

It's a sign of a society that is on the brink of destruction.

Even in the New Testament,

in 2 Timothy 3.2,

says that people who are disobedient to their parents

will mark the times of difficulty in the last days.

And that's why the fifth word of the Decalogue is this.

Honor your father and mother,

that your days may belong to the land that the Lord your God has given you.

This command serves as a bridge that links the first half of the Ten Commandments with the second half.

The first half deals with how we have to relate to God,

how to love God with all of our hearts.

And the second half deals with how to love our neighbors as ourselves.

If you examine the Ten Commandments,

the portion that we read this morning,

you might notice that the first five commandments,

all invoke the name of the Lord.

You'll see the Lord in all caps,

which is the personal pronoun,

the proper name,

the proper noun of God's name.

And by contrast that with the second half,

the last five commandments,

you'll see that the name of the Lord is not mentioned at all.

Instead,

it all has to do with what you do with your neighbors,

other people.

And the fifth commandment straddles both of those

because it invokes the name of the Lord

and grounds the commandment what the Lord has promised,

that your days may belong in the land of the Lord your God is giving you.

But on the other hand,

it addresses our relationship with other people,

our neighbors,

or specifically our fathers and mothers.

So it's the pivot commandment of the Decalogue.

And as we study this,

we're going to look at the importance of the commandment,

the promise of the command,

and the fulfillment of the command in turn.

Let's look first at the importance of this command.

Notice where this command is placed within the Decalogue.

I mentioned a few weeks ago

that if you examine the penalties

that the Bible describes

for the violation of these commandments,

you can see that the ten commandments

are arranged in a descending order

of weight and importance.

The punishment for breaking the commandment

gets less and less severe

as you go down the list.

That doesn't mean they're not important.

They're still part of the ten commandments.

But there is a priority and an order

in the ten commandments.

Now look at where this command is.

Honor your father and mother is the fifth word,

which precedes even the sixth word,

you shall not birth.

Later, Exodus 21, 15-17,

prescribes the death penalty

for striking or hurting one's parents.

Deuteronomy 21, verses 18-21,

Deuteronomy 21:18–21

commands that a stubborn and rebellious son

will not obey the voice of his father

or the voice of his mother,

and though they discipline him,

will not listen to them,

and persist in being a glutton and a drunkard,

that that such a man should be stoned to death

in order to purge the evil from their midst,

so that all Israel shall hear and fear.

Note that the parents have to have discipline him already.

If the children are stubborn and rebellious

because parents fail to discipline them,

that's not the children's fault.

That's the parents' fault.

And in such a case,

the children cannot be punished.

But in this kind of extreme case,

where the rebellious son is a glutton and a drunkard,

he's socially disruptive,

and even after repeated injuries and disciplines,

he does not reform his ways,

then execution is the final resort.

This likely seems like overkill to most of us.

So we need to ask ourselves,

why does the Old Testament take this seriously?

There are three reasons.

First, because children of today are the adults of tomorrow.

And because healthy parent-children relations

are essential for the health and growth of children,

it is not an overstatement to say

that parent-child relations are foundational

to a functioning society.

And for that reason,

the subversion or disruption of parent-child relations

unravels the very fabric of society.

And this can happen subtly.

Murder is obvious.

Everyone knows it's wrong.

Almost everyone.

And most people are not brave enough to do it.

But dishonoring one's parents is more insidious.

There are millions who condone it in others

and do it themselves.

It is for that reason all the more dangerous

and the evil must be purged

from the Israelite congregation.

As an example.

Second, while the fifth commandment

has primarily to do with one's parents,

as Paul confirmed in Ephesians 6 verse 1

Ephesians 6:1

where he cites this saying,

children, obey your parents,

it has implications still

for other authority figures

at all levels of society.

For example, throughout the Old Testament,

it's not merely one's biological parents

who are referred to as father and mother.

Joseph says in Genesis 45

that God has made him a father to Pharaoh.

In Judges 4.7, Deborah,

speaking of her role as Israel's judge,

said, I am role as a mother of Israel.

In 1 Samuel 24.11,

David addresses King Saul as father.

In Prophet Elijah and Prophet Elijah

are referred to as father by kings

and by other people that are under their charge.

It's the same in the New Testament.

1 Timothy 5.1 commands us to speak

to an older man as you would have father,

older woman as mother.

We are commanded to honor widows who are truly widows.

In the same way that we are commanded

to honor our father and mother,

the New Testament in various places

tells us to honor those to whom honor is owed.

In Romans 13.

For example, let the elders who rule well

be considered worthy of the whole honor.

1 Timothy 6.1, bond servants should regard

their own masters as worthy of all honor.

So you should honor your boss at work.

1 Peter 2.17 says,

honor the emperor.

So regardless of whether you voted for Joe Biden or not,

regardless of whether you approve of the job

he has done so far or not,

you should honor him by the virtue of his station,

his office.

Christians should take no part

in the arrogantly disrespectful

and contemptuous political discourse

that characterized our nation.

So this is yet another reason

why honoring one's parents is important.

it sets a precedent

for honoring other forms

of legitimate authority.

John Calvin puts it this way

in both the institutes of the Christian religion.

Now this precept of subjection

strongly conflicts

with the depravity of human nature,

which is swollen with the longing

for lofty position,

bears subjection drudgingly.

Accordingly, he has put forward

as an example that kind of superiority

which is by nature most amiable

and least invidious

because he could thus more easily

soften and bend our minds

to the habit of submission.

By that subjection,

which is easiest to tolerate,

the Lord therefore gradually

accustoms us to all lawful subjections

since the reason of all is the same.

By teaching us to submit to our parents,

which is the easiest

and most natural form of all submissions,

God humbles us

and teaches us to respect

other forms of legitimate authority as well.

The most important authority

that we need to learn

to be subject to, of course,

is God.

And that's the third

and most important reason

when we ask to honor our parents.

God reveals himself to us

as our heavenly father

throughout the scripture.

Theologian J.I. Packer

writes in his book,

Knowing God,

you sum up the whole

of your text in the religion

if you describe it

as the knowledge of God

as one holy father.

If you want to judge

how well a person

understands Christianity,

find out how much he makes

of the thought

of being God's child

and having God as his father.

If this is not the thought

that prompts and controls

his worship and prayers

and his whole outlook on life,

it means that he does not understand

Christianity very well at all.

For everything that Christ taught,

it sums up the knowledge

of the fatherhood of God.

Father is the Christian name for God.

Our understanding of Christianity

cannot be better

than our grasp of adoption.

This is how God

has revealed himself to his people.

Remember how earlier

in Exodus 4,

God called Israel

my firstborn son.

Let my son go

that they may serve me.

As the father

fights for and defends his children,

our God has been fighting

for the Israelites in Exodus.

Psalm 103 says,

As the father shows compassion

unto his children,

so the Lord shows compassion

to those who fear him.

For he knows our praise.

In the same way

that a compassionate dad

will excuse his daughter's tantrums

saying she is only a child.

Our heavenly father

who knows our praise

and knows our weaknesses

is compassionate for them.

In Matthew 7,

Jesus teaches us

even sinful,

earthly fathers

do not give a stone

to a child

who asks for bread.

If you then

who are evil

know how to give good

gifts to your children,

how much more

will your father

who is in heaven

give good things

to those who ask him?

Our heavenly father

is not begrudging

or stingy.

He is generous

and eager to give good

gifts to his children.

Yahweh is our father.

That's who he is.

And the fatherhood of God

puts into perspective

the importance

of the fifth commandment

because earthly parents

are tattered

after our heavenly father.

Similar to how God

feeds man in his own image,

in the image of God,

in Genesis 1,

in Genesis 5,

it says Adam,

the father,

the son,

in his own likeness

after his image.

Parents image God

in their beginning

and rearing of children

and that's why

obedience to parents

is so important

because the parents

are instituted by God

to exercise authority

over their children.

And that means

how the parents

behave for their children,

especially the way

the fathers exercise

their God-given authority

as heads

in respect to apostles,

is going to shape

the way children

perceive

and relate to God

the heavenly father.

And of course,

the converse is also true.

The way children

are taught to honor

the earthly authority

of their parents

is also going to affect

the way those children

honor the heavenly authority

of God the father.

That's why the English poet

William Shakespeare

puts it this way

in one of his poems,

the voice of parents

is the voice of God

for to their children

they are heaven's lieutenants.

God has given parents

authority over their children

that they should exercise

with love, humility,

and wisdom

and with his right

for the children

to honor them

and listen to them.

So these are some reasons

why the command

is so important

and note that the command

includes both

the father and mother.

This inclusion of the mother

is the same honor

due to the father

as due to the mother.

And this inclusion

of the mother

is exceptional

among ancient Near Eastern literature.

It is often the case

that rebellious children

will listen more

to their father

than to their mother.

So they will sometimes

say things like

You keep doing this.

If you don't listen

I'm going to tell this dad

when he comes home.

How many of you have heard this

when you're growing up?

Yeah, there you go.

When our toddler

is being strictly stubborn

and refusing to go to bed

while I'm away traveling

which they are

have a tendency to do

to take advantage

of my afternoon.

Hannah will sometimes

call me

and put me on the speaker phone

and say

Sean, tell me

to go to bed.

I don't know what it is

whether it's the

deep voice

or the

physical strength

I don't know what it is

but children

intuitively grasp

the father's authority.

But this is a warning

to touch children

who would refuse

to listen to their mother.

It doesn't say

honor your father only

it says honor your father

and your mother.

The mother deserves

as much honor

and respect

as the father.

but what does it mean

to honor them?

The word literally

means to be heavy.

So when it's used

in a figurative sense

like this

it means to

treat someone

as weighty.

Give weight

to someone

esteem someone

to take them

seriously

to value them

higher.

For children

this entails

obedience

and that means

children

should be oriented

toward their parents

to listen

to their parents

more than

their peers.

Developmental

psychologists

Gordon Neufeld

and Gabriel

Lament the loss

of this parental

orientation

among children

in their book

Hold On To Your Kids.

They say this

For the first time

in history

young people

are turning

for instruction

modeling

and guidance

not to mothers

or fathers

teachers

and other

responsible adults

but to people

whom nature

never intended

to play

in a parental role

their own peers.

They are not

manageable

teachable

or maturing

because they

no longer

take their cues

from adults.

Instead

children are

being brought up

by immature

persons

who cannot

possibly guide

them to maturity.

They are being

brought up

by each other.

The term

that seems

to fit more

than any other

for this phenomenon

is peer

orientation.

It is peer

orientation

that has muted

our parenting

instincts

eroded

our natural

authority

and calls us

to parent

not from the

heart

but from the

head

from manually

the advice

of experts

and the

confused

expectations

of society.

This trend

has been

accelerated

by the

pervasive

use of

TikTok

Snapchat

Instagram

YouTube

even among

young children.

Especially

as children

get older

it becomes

even more

of a problem

into their

pre-teens

and teenage years

some of them

resist the

authority

and guidance

of their parents

and turn

to the affirmations

of their peers.

but I want

to urge

all of you

to remember

that God

did not

give you

friends

to bring you

up in the

discipline

and instruction

of the Lord.

God gave you

parents

to bring you

up in the

discipline

and instruction

of the Lord.

Your peers

generally speaking

don't know

any better

that you do.

So why

listen to them?

Why learn

from them

when you can

listen to

and learn

from your

parents?

We don't

have very

many children

in our church

but we have

some of the

children.

In 1 Kings

12

Rehoboam

the son of

Solomon's son

takes over

as king

after his

father's

dead.

Solomon

oversaw

the nation

of Israel

at the

zenith

of their

power and

glory.

And so

Rehoboam

gets a good

start to

his reign

but soon

after he

begins to

rule

people

gather

themselves

together

before him

and they

petition him

saying

your father

made our

yoke heavy

that therefore

lighten the

hard service

of your

father

and his

heavy yoke

on us

and we

will serve

you.

Now

Rehoboam

tells them

hey give me

three days

to consult

with people

and I'll

get back

to you

with an

answer

and during

that time

he consults

the old

men who

had stood

before Solomon

his father

while he

was yet

alive

and they

counseled

him to

give the

people a

favorable

answer

and that

he yields

to them

now and

he serves

them now

that they

will serve

him forever

but then

he turned

and asked

his own

friend

the young

men who

had grown

up with

him

and they

told him

to squash

the complaint

of the

Israelites

to work

them even

harder

in order

to nip

their

discontentment

in the

body

and keep

them

submissive

unfortunately

Rehoboam

listened to

his friends

his peers

instead of

the counsel

of his

father

and gave

the harsh

response

and the

result

is that

he loses

10 of

the 12

tribes

of Israel

caused

the schism

of the

nation

of Israel

this is

a lesson

in the

fifth

commandment

if

Rehoboam

had

honored

his father

Solomon

by extension

the man

the counselor

the old

man

that he

had trusted

in

he would

have avoided

this

national disaster

Christians

should honor

their father

and mother

your parents

were once

teenagers

too

your parents

were once

newlyweds

too

your parents

were once

had young

kids too

people who

mature in

Christian

humility

grow in

their appreciation

for the

sacrifice

of their

parents

and for

the wisdom

and experience

that they

have

we must

not dismiss

this command

by telling

ourselves

well I'm

not a

child anymore

this doesn't

apply to

me

note that

this command

is primarily

addressed to

adults

already

the preceding

command

is commandment

number four

to keep the

Sabbath

he mentions

your son

or your

daughter

so this

fifth commandment

to honor

your father

and mother

is given

to people

who already

have sons

and daughters

there is

an important

sense in

which a man

and woman

leave their

father and

mother in

order to

form a

new family

in marriage

but the

command to

honor your

father and

mother still

applies

we're no

longer under

our parental

authority

as when we

were children

and so we

no longer

we're no

longer required

obedience

is no

longer required

of us

but

deference

is still

required

of us

honor

to give

way to

their

counsel

to treat

them with

respect

even when

we don't

like the

counsel they

give

regarding

our choice

of spouse

or career

we should

express

appreciation

to them

thank them

for the

sacrifices

they have

made

and suffering

that they

endured

in raising

us

we should

visit them

and care

for them

in old age

they changed

our diapers

and time

might come

when they're

confirmed

that we

have to

change

their diapers

they

diced up

and pureed

food to

feed us

when we're

infants

when we

had no

teeth

and likewise

time might

come

when we

will have

to

puree

food

and feed

our

toothless

aging

parents

unless you

have the

money

to get

dentures

or

dental

implants

honor

your parents

in the way

you speak

to them

don't

speak

dismissively

or scornfully

to them

in your

pride

and don't

speak

dismissively

or scornfully

of them

to other

people

at the

very least

our parents

gave birth

to us

at the

very least

that's

that's

what

power

23

22

says

listen

to your

father

who gave

you

life

even

for

the

absolute

failure

of

parents

at the

very

least

they

gave

birth

to us

we quite

literally

would not

be here

if it

weren't

for our

parents

this is

not to

ignore the

fact that

parents are

sometimes wrong

and sometimes

wicked

they often

are

because they

are sinful

human beings

just like

all of us

but we

don't always

have to

agree with

them in

order to

honor them

sometimes

we will

need to

correct our

parents

but there's

also a

way to

do that

in an

honoring

way

like I

said earlier

from verse

55

don't rebuke

an older

man but

encourage

him as

you would

applaud

instead of

an open

rebuke

you can

bring gentle

correction

in the

form of

encouragement

even the

best of

parents are

not going

to be

perfect

and they're

going to

instruct and

discipline us

as they

see fit

according to

their

fallible

wisdom and

discernment

but even

then we

can rest

assured

that our

heavenly

father is

sovereignly

instructing

us and

guiding us

and disciplining

us for

our good

sometimes our

parents are

not only

wrong but

wicked

and there

will be

times when

they seek

to lead us

into disobedience

to God

and we

have to

say along

with the

apostles in

Acts 529

we must

obey God

rather than

men

a good

example of

this is

found in

first king

15 where

it says

king Asa

removed

Maaca his

mother from

being queen

mother because

she had made

an abominable

image for

Asher

and Asa

cut down

her image

and burned

it at the

brook

children the

heart of

Asa was

wholly true

to the

Lord all

his things

here Asa

is commended

by scripture

it was right

for him to

remove his

mother's status

as queen

mother and

cut down the

idols that she

had set up

because it

would be wrong

to violate the

first and

second commandment

in order to

keep the

fifth commandment

the commandment

of God

cannot be

pitted against

each other

God never

expects us to

honor our

parents at the

expense of

honoring God

and when our

parents fail in

their responsibility

to represent God

and instruct us

in the way of

the Lord we

must not follow

them

we can still

honor them

some of you

have sadly

had parents

who tried to

abhor you

some of you

have had

parents who

abandoned you

some of you

have had parents

who abused you

all of which

is a

heartbreaking

breach

of the

sacred

trust

that God

has placed

in parents

if that's

you

you probably

have a

hard time

relating to

God

as your

heavenly father

but don't

let your

sinful

parents

mar your

perception

of our

perfect

heavenly father

maybe your

father or

mother walked

out on you

but

psalm 27

10

for my

father and

my mother

have forsaken

me

but the

Lord will

take me

in

our

father

in heaven

will never

leave you

nor forsake

may your

father and

mother hurt

you

and make

you feel

unsafe

insecure

psalm 121

tells us

that our

heavenly father

watches over

us

and he

protects us

and he

never

slumbers

he will

not sleep

as he

watches

over you

may your

father and

mother fail

to provide

for you

neglected

you

Matthew 6

8

tells us

our heavenly

mother knows

what you

need

before

you ask

him

he provides

even for

the sparrow

will he

not provide

for his

precious

children

maybe you

had a

father and

mother who

despised

you

you

grew up

knowing

that they

didn't

like you

at all

you

didn't

know

you

never

know

a

parent's

tender

care

and

love

Isaiah

43

4

says

our

heavenly

father

says

you

are

precious

in my

eyes

and

honored

and

I

love

you

it

says

in

stephaniah

3

17

that

our

heavenly

father

rejoices

over

us

with

gladness

that

he

quiets

us

by

his

love

and

he

goes

over

us

with

loud

singing

that's

the

love

of

the

heavenly

father

for

you

so

take

heart

even

if

you

didn't

have

honorable

earthly

parents

you

have

a

father

in

heaven

who

is

worthy

of

all

honor

and

praise

and

glory

and

so

we

have

ample

reasons

to

honor

our

father

and

mother

but

scripture

provides

yet more

motivation

for us

honor

your

father

and

mother

that

your

days

may

be

long

in

the

land

that

the

Lord

of

God

is

given

you

this

is

why

Paul

calls

this

commandment

in

Ephesians

6

2

the

first

commandment

with

promise

there

is

some

debate

over

whether

this

is

promising

longevity

or

inheritance

a

long

life

or

a

continual

occupancy

of

the

promise

land

but

the

parallel

in

Deuteronomy

5

16

suggests

that

the

answer

is

both

that

your

days

may

be

long

and

that

it

may

go

well

with

you

in

the

land

that

the

Lord

your

God

has

given

you

it

is

an

apt

reward

for

honoring

one

father

and

mother

by

honoring

the

parents

who

brought

us

into

the

world

we

get

to

live

well

and

long

in

the

world

by

honoring

our

elders

we

get

to

survive

through

elderhood

ourselves

by

honoring

our

father

and

mother

and

continuing

in

the

faith

of

our

father

we

get

to

inherit

the

land

that

God

had

promised

to

our

father

God

had

promised

to

our

father

this

is

very

easy

to

illustrate

from

early

childhood

if

my

kids

had

not

listened

to

their

parents

counsel

don't

swallow

that

magnet

don't

stick

that

metal

chopstick

in

the

outlet

don't

touch

that

fire

no

that

kitchen

knife

is

not

your

toy

don't

jump

into

the

water

check

both

sides

of the

street

before

crossing

it

wear

your

helmet

when

you

ride

a

bike

I

mean

they

could

have

died

many

times

over

already

but

even

as

we

get

older

this

general

principle

remains

true

even

if it's

harder

to

demonstrate

honoring

our

father

and

mother

lengthens

our

days

there

are

exceptions

to

this

for

example

in

1st

King

13

prophet

Ahijah

prophesied

the king

jeroboam

son

abijah

will

die

of

his

illness

and

while

this

is

intended

as

punishing

for

jeroboam

it

is

intended

as

a

reward

for

his

son

abijah

because

it

says

he

only

of

jeroboam

shall

come

to

the

grave

because

in

him

there

is

found

something

pleasing

to

the

lord

the

fact

that

abijah

dies

early

and

is

buried

in

peace

is

a

reward

for

having

something

still

left

in

him

that

is

pleasing

to

the

lord

unlike

the

rest of

Jerusalem

he

will

be

spared

the

impending

judgment

and

suffering

and

more

that

jeroboam

his

house

will

live

here

is

57

1-2

captures

the

same

sentiment

it

says

the

righteous

man

perishes

devout

man

are

taken

away

for

the

righteous

man

is

taken

away

from

calamity

he

enters

into

peace

they

rest

in

their

bed

who

walk

in

their

upright

so

it

is

not

true

that

long

life

is

always

place

sometimes

God

gives

us

a

short

life

in

order

bless

us

in

some

situations

it

is

the

Lord

mercy

to

bring

a

seemingly

premature

death

but

generally

speaking

God

grants

the

blessing

of

long

life

to

honor

their

father

and

mother

but

if

the

Israelites

fail

to

honor

their

father

and

mother

their

lives

will

be

cut

short

and

they

will

be

exiled

from

the

promised

land

and

I'm

sure

that

many

of

you

can

point

to

examples

from

your

own

life

from

among

your

own

friends

rebellious

peers

who did

not heed

the advice

of their

parents

and teachers

and now

you can look around

to see where

they

where they