Breaking Free from Shame | The World's Gone Mad (Part 3) | Jason Webb

Well, i am convinced that if I were to ask you to describe yourself, you would give me two different lists.

The first list would be a good list.

It would be a list of things you love about yourself.

You can see it up on the screen here.

It would be lists like I'm a mom or I'm a dad, and you would tell me how awesome and smart and beautiful your kids are, and how they are smarter and more beautiful and more athletic than my kids.

You'd be lying, of course, but you'd be telling me that, or you would tell me that you're athletic.

You're like a friend of mine who told me this past week Jason, i'm running in a 100-mile race.

I'm like 100 miles.

He said yes, i'm like do you get a three-day break at a resort in the middle of it?

He said, no, we go 100 miles and we never stop.

That's insane.

Jesus asked you to rest.

Not do that.

But some of you are athletic.

Some of you would say you know what?

I'm not athletic, but I'm more intellectual.

I used to claim this growing up.

Actually, my parents had to put a limit on how much I would study in high school, because I would study for nine hours straight every single day.

I was messed up in a serious way.

Some of you would say you know what?

I'm just kind, or I'm funny, or I have this quality.

Others of you would say you know what?

I'm a great success in my business, in my community.

I'd say the same.

Here's the thing about this list, this good list.

You should be proud of it.

Those are good things, but if we're honest and since we're in church, we probably should be It's not the whole story about it, because there's another list that we don't like to talk about.

It's the list that when we look at it, we hate it.

It's a list we don't like others to see about ourselves.

It's the things that make us mad.

It's things like broken relationships.

It's the divorce you went through that you never thought you would go through.

It's the broken relationship with your mom or your dad.

You haven't talked to them I mean really talked to them in years.

It's the distance you have between a brother or sister.

Or maybe it's a lack of relationship.

You're single, but you don't want to be single.

Or maybe one of the things you don't like about yourself is how you look, your physical appearance, or maybe on that list, our failures or broken dreams.

Your career hasn't panned out the way you thought it would.

Or maybe you did have that dream job but you lost it And it was your fault.

Or maybe there's worries and fears on that list.

You know the things that keep us up at night.

Of course there's struggles and sins, the things that you do that you hate, the things that you do that you promise to God.

This time, god, it's going to be different.

This time I will stop.

And yet you can't.

Let me ask you what's on your list Not on the good list, we all have that But what's on that list of things you hate?

Today we're concluding our series called The World Gone Mad, and for the last two weeks we've looked at two aspects of how our anger gets the better of us.

When we're angry at us, in other words, when the church and the people in the church kind of go at each other, and how grace should override that.

And then last week we looked at angry at them and how oftentimes we don't know how to discuss issues with people anymore.

We just yell at each other And we write them out of our lives And God says no, that's not how it's supposed to be.

But today I want to talk about the person you are often the most mad at.

It's not them, it's not us, it's you.

The person you're most mad at is the person you see in the mirror, and the person I'm most mad at is me.

The person I have the hardest time loving is me.

See, i've had a list for many years, a list I didn't want people to know about.

I mean, i showed them some of it.

I would tell them, of course, all my good lists.

I'd spend a long time there, and then I would tell them just enough of my bad list to make them think I was real and vulnerable.

I would tell them that I'm a workaholic.

I would tell them of mistakes I made with my kids.

However, i tell them all these other faults, but there's always one thing on my list that I kept hidden from everybody else.

See, on my list was this word addict.

I am an addict.

My addiction is not drugs or alcohol, although it could have easily been.

My addiction is sex.

I am a sex addict, and some of you are thinking of course you are, you're a guy, after all.

But true, sex addicts know is a far more destructive and horrific thing than just being a male or sexually charged.

It has destroyed hundreds of millions of both men and women around the world.

It is an awful battle, much like drugs or alcohol or any other addiction.

It overtakes you, it invades your mind, it starts to control every part of your body And it will take from you and it will ultimately destroy you.

It took so much from me.

It took my job, it took my finances, it took my reputation, it took my time, it took my sanity, it took my intimacy with God, it took my marriage, it took my health And it almost killed me.

I stand here today so grateful to be alive.

I didn't know it was an addiction at first.

I just thought for years it was just a struggle with porn, like other guys had For years.

It was just that It was an on again, off again, where I would look out some websites and then promise to God God, i'm not going to do this again.

I'd even confess to somebody and then for weeks, months, sometimes even years, i wouldn't look at it again.

But that cycle would come back And make another promise, only to break it again.

I made more promises than I think anybody has ever made when it came to this.

Then, in 2014, i became the pastor of the largest church in Wisconsin.

I was speaking to several thousand people each week and I thought this will be different.

The stakes are too high.

I won't struggle with this anymore because if I do, the consequences will be too much.

And for a while it was fine.

But then the pressures of life, where I was working crazy hours trying to please everyone, got to me And I didn't know what to do.

So I went sideways and I medicated my pain And soon what I thought was just a struggle with porn became a full blown addiction.

And soon it escalated beyond porn to other egregious acts of unfaithfulness, to things I never thought I would do, where I broke trust with my wife, my family, with the people in church.

I promised.

I promised to serve with integrity and ultimately I broke trust with God.

Some of you have been there Now.

It's probably not my addiction, or necessarily any addiction at all, but we all have things that trip us up, whether addictions or worry, or gossip or anger that we just can't control, or words that we say in the moment we say them, we want to just stuff them right back into our mouths, but we can't.

Maybe we eat too much.

Whatever it is.

We don't know what to do with them.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

It doesn't.

There's a different story we can each live, and I say this because I'm just beginning to live a different story.

It is a story I never thought I could have.

It's a story that is not always easy.

In fact, it's incredibly painful at times But it's a story that is finally congruent with who God made me to be.

It's a story where I'm finally free.

You see, today I can tell you that I have been completely sober now for 552 straight days, by God's grace.

I hope that tomorrow I can say it's been 553 straight days.

This morning I was already on a 12-step phone call, like I am every morning, and I've already called my sponsor and we'll call somebody else later today.

I'm not an expert In fact, this is the first time I've preached on this But you guys seem nice and safe, so I'm going to keep it here in this room and with the people on YouTube.

If you could just keep it there between us, that'd be great.

But what I've learned is a simple but profound truth, and whatever it is you struggle with, whatever it is you hate about yourself, if you take this one truth and forget everything else.

I say today.

Just remember this That you are to step out of your shame and into God's love.

That if you want freedom in these areas that you are so mad at, you have to step out of your shame and into God's love.

You see, shame at its core tells us that we cannot be loved And there's a huge difference between guilt and shame.

You say guilt says I did this, but shame says I am this.

Guilt says you know what I worry about some things.

Shame says I am a chronic warrior.

Guilt says I failed at this.

Shame says I am a failure.

Guilt says I hurt people that I love.

Shame says I'm incapable of a healthy relationship.

Guilt says I did that but can change it.

Shame says I am that and will never change.

Shame, dr Bernay Brown writes, is this it's the intensely painful feeling of experience, of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Something we've experienced, done or failed to do, makes us unworthy, unworthy of connection.

In other words, if you knew this about me, there's no way, there is no way you could love me And ultimately, shame forces us to hide Because we don't think we can be loved with these things in our lives.

We hide.

We do everything to make sure that people can't see these things.

This is the way it's been from the Garden of Eden.

See Adam and Eve.

The Bible says when they were created.

It says they were naked and they felt no shame.

In other words, they were naked completely physically, yes, but emotionally, relationally, spiritually vulnerable with one another.

What you saw was what you got, but then they mess up and look what happens next.

This is absolutely fascinating.

Genesis, chapter three, verse nine.

But the Lord, god, called to the man where are you?

And he answered I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.

And in that moment, shame entered the world.

In that moment, both Adam and Eve no longer thought they could be loved anymore And they were so stinking afraid So they hid.

You can't see this about me, god.

They hid, they thought they were fooling everybody.

They thought they were fooling God, And we do the same.

When my son, micah was little, he loved to play hide and seek.

I don't know if parents in the room here or parents online play hide and seek with their little kids, but Micah was about three and we play hide and seek all the time, like literally that's all I did with my life during that this stage of it.

And Micah would say, okay, dad, you're going to count and I'm going to hide.

And I said okay.

So I counted and I said ready or not?

here I come.

And now I knew where Micah was hiding.

I knew he was in the hamper, behind the hamper and in the bedroom.

I knew he was there because that's where he always went.

But you know, you got to extend the game a little bit.

So I said ready or not, here I come.

And so I went to the closet and I said open up the closet.

Is Micah in the closet?

No, micah's not in the closet.

I went to the kitchen and I kind of walked around the kitchen Is Micah in the kitchen?

No, micah's not in the kitchen.

Went into the bathroom.

I said, oh, i guess Micah's not going to the bathroom.

I wonder where Micah could be.

And so I walked into the bedroom and I went past the hamper where his legs were jutting out from behind the hamper in plain sight, and I stood next to the window and I just kind of waited there for a minute.

I looked out and I would say I guess I've lost Micah forever, i guess he's never coming back.

And I'd hear this giggling from behind the hamper And all of a sudden he would pop up and he said dad, i was behind here the whole time.

I got you, let's play again.

And so we'd play again and I'd count again, I'd say ready or not?

here I come again, i go to the closet again and then I go to the kitchen again, i go into the bathroom again and I go into the bedroom past the hamper again, where his little legs were there again, and I'd stand next to the window again saying I guess I can't find Micah again.

And he'd pop up again saying I got you, dad.

And again and again we'd play this.

He thought each time he'd fooled me.

But that's what we do when we are in shame We hide, We think we fool everybody, we think we fool God.

Even in the whole time he sees us behind this hamper with our little legs jutting out, saying what are you doing?

I know you're back there, but we hide.

We hide behind those hambers in a variety of ways.

Sometimes we hide by overcompensating.

In other words, we think since we're extra bad in one area, we have to be extra good in other areas.

God.

Don't look at that.

Look at this instead, god.

I know I have a broken relationship with my brother, but look at how good of a wife I am, god.

Don't look at my drinking problem.

Instead, look at how much I serve God.

Don't look at how much I worry.

Instead, look how much I read my Bible.

God, don't look at that.

Look at this instead.

That's what I did.

I tried to compensate for my sexual addiction by succeeding at work.

So I worked 80, 90, sometimes 100 hours each week to prove that I wasn't as bad as I thought I was.

If I was a failure in sexuality, at least I could be a success at work.

The only thing I did was grow another addiction in my life of workaholism.

Sometimes we hide by overcompensating.

Sometimes we hide by comparing ourselves to others.

In other words, we say to God God, i know this isn't that good, but at least I'm not as bad as her, comparatively speaking.

God, i'm all right.

This is what Adam did.

It's such a guy move.

God confronts him with his sin.

Look at what he does.

God says to him who told you that you were naked?

Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from.

This is unbelievable.

The man said.

The woman you put here with me.

She gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.

Just don't say that to your wives.

In other words, god, i know I've screwed up a little bit, but the real problem is her.

God, i know I'm bad, but I'm not as bad as her.

I did the same in my addiction.

I would tell God, i know this probably isn't that good what I'm doing, but at least I haven't done that, at least I have not had intercourse with anybody.

God, i never crossed that line.

I should get a medal.

He said okay, bill Clinton, what you doing, jason, who defines the life that I've called you to?

What you're doing is so destructive.

I know it's not that, but it's still equally destructive.

My guess is that you've done the same thing.

Big ways are small, say God, i know I've done this, but I'm not as bad as her.

God, i know you, i have issues that you're convicting me right now as I listen to this sermon, but at least I'm not a sex addict like the preacher today.

I mean he shouldn't even be preaching, should he?

God, i know I've done this, but I haven't done that And we hide Or maybe we hide by just showing enough of our issue.

We convince ourselves that we are being completely honest with our struggles, but we don't really let people in all the way.

Now I would do this all the time.

I'd let my little legs jut out from behind the hamper, but I wouldn't show everybody everything.

And one night, when things were particularly bad, i was speaking at a conference for seven nights straight, people were enjoying my talks that I was giving.

In fact, one night, before one of the talks, the director of the conference came to me and he showed me a picture of Billy Graham speaking where I had just spoken And he said to me Jason, we only bring the best of the best here and you are the best of the best.

In fact, we're going to invite you back next year for the same conference.

That night I gave, ironically, a message on being honest about your struggles and even shared about how I struggled in certain areas of my life.

And people came up and they were crying afterwards.

They were just unleashing all their pain and all their problems and struggles and finding freedom and grace.

And two hours later I was sitting in a strip club And later that night I was screaming at myself why can't you stop this?

Shame, dr Brunet Brown continues, corrodes the very part of us that tells us we are capable of change, and in that moment in my shame, i knew I could never change.

Shame ultimately robs us of our identity.

It robs us of who we really are.

These lies come into our minds and they start to destroy us.

Lies that people have told us over the years or we've even told ourselves.

Lies like I'll never measure up, or I'm just a failure, or I'm unlovable, or I'm a terrible parent, or I'm a victim, or I'm never going to be as good as my brother.

So here's the reality and please don't miss this.

Underneath every sin struggle is an identity crisis.

Underneath every sin struggle is an identity crisis, and I know this because, up until 552 days ago, i believed lies about myself for nearly 40 years Lies like I am not enough, lies like I can only be loved if I am perfect.

And the number one lie and excuse the language in this, but the number one lie that I believed to my core.

And the number one lie that I would shout, even after speaking to thousands of people I would go in my car and I would shout at myself, sometimes punching myself.

The number one lie I believed was this that I am a worthless piece of shit.

I couldn't see the good in me.

All I could see was how messed up I was, how much of a disgrace I was.

And so I did what I thought I was.

I became a self fulfilling prophecy.

What lies have you believed about yourself?

Oftentimes they come from your childhood, sometimes not, but sometimes from your childhood.

These lies are from the pits of hell, quite literally.

Jesus said this about Satan, john 844.

He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.

When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

So when your dad told you you were a disgrace growing up, that wasn't your dad speaking.

It was Satan speaking through him.

Or when your boyfriend told you that you were unlovable, that wasn't him speaking, it was Satan speaking through him.

And when your boss told you that you were a disaster, that wasn't her speaking.

That was Satan speaking through her.

And when you told yourself that you were worthless, not enough, just a failure, that wasn't you speaking, it was Satan speaking through you.

He is the father of lies and he whispers them in our ear all the time And we start to believe those lies.

And when we believe those lies, sin overtakes us.

Because we lean into those lies and act out those lies, we become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because underneath every sin struggle is an identity crisis.

See, shame robs us of our identity.

But there's something else about shame.

It's something that my counselor, dr Darren Green, told me as I was on this journey.

He said this Jason, shame always loses its power when it is exposed.

Shame loses its power when it is exposed.

In other words, we think we need to hide the shameful parts And God's saying no, the way to reduce that shame isn't to hide them and try to manage them on the side.

No, the way to reduce shame in your life is to actually bring them into life into life.

But we don't think that's what we should do because we're so ashamed of it, we think it's so dark, we're afraid of it, so we assume God's afraid of it.

We think it's dark, so we assume God sees it as dark.

Psalm 139, david talks about this.

He said that he learned something fascinating as he wrestled with sexuality, as he wrestled with anger and all sorts of other issues.

Psalm 139, he says this If I say Surely, the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me.

Even the darkness will not be dark to you.

The night will shine like day, for darkness is as light to you.

I mean that's unbelievable, that what you see as dark, god doesn't see it that way.

Darkness isn't in his realm of thinking.

Even the darkness will not be dark to you, for darkness is as light to you.

Now, he doesn't mean that he likes the things you struggle with.

Of course he doesn't like them because he knows they're destroying you and those around you.

It's just that he's not afraid of it like you are.

He's just not.

In fact, he sees that.

He sees you behind that hamper and he says you know what?

That's the spot that if we really deal with you, can finally become the person I've made you to be.

See, healing only comes through honesty.

Shame only loses its power when it's exposed.

That's why James writes this Now.

Don't miss this.

James says Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be whacked over the head.

Shame some more, no, so that you may be healed.

552 days ago, on September 11th 2018 of all days, i found myself in my car outside my house.

I was literally growing crazy.

My mind was in such what psychiatrists and doctors call a brain fog.

I knew that if I didn't step out of hiding, i would most likely do what sex addicts, who take this to the extreme, do I would most likely kill myself.

As I sat there, that verse from James ran through my head confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed.

I thought, well, nothing else has worked, so I might as well try that.

I needed healing so much So I walked into my house and got honest for the first time.

I mean really honest.

For the first time.

I knew it would be the end of my job.

I wasn't sure if it would be the end of my marriage.

I had hurt my wife so much I was desperate.

From that moment on, shame has started to lose its grip on me For 552 days.

Its power has started to fade away.

I mean real healing that I never thought possible, and intimacy would gather that I never had before.

Where he's now?

what I used to never call him Papa, but now I call him Papa and I know he's here, i know that, no matter, even what I say to you on this sermon doesn't matter, because my Papa loves me.

I know that now.

I used to just preach about that, but I can feel it in my bones.

I just want you to know that.

But shame, it keeps popping back and it will want to keep living in you.

In fact it did even this week as I was preparing this message.

But shame loses its power when it's exposed, because the power of God, this bright and glorious light, comes into that darkness and it expels that darkness.

You're free.

You're free to use.

The truth uses and the truth will set you free.

My guess is that all of you listening in some way big or small, or longing for some freedom in your life, god's just saying when you step out of hiding, where are you hiding behind that hamper?

God knows you're there.

He just didn't design you to live there.

He designed you to step out of shame and into his love.

Psalm 34 or 5 says this.

This verse says changed my life.

Those who look to him are radiant.

Their faces are never covered with shame.

At times this can seem almost too good to be true, but it's not.

It is true.

See, a few days after I confessed my addiction to my wife it's when I church I found myself in a rehab center for sex addicts out west.

I just learned from one of the doctors that my resignation and addiction had been made public, and I knew that that would mean it would be on the news that night, and that it was on the news for several nights in a row and the front page of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and other publications across the nation.

I was in shock.

All I wanted to do that day was just go into my bedroom, ball up and just be away from everybody.

But they don't let you do that at rehab.

They make you do crazy things.

Next on the agenda was yoga.

Now, i'm all for yoga, but my body does not bend.

So even in the best of days, my excitement about bending my bodies in weird places that it's not supposed to bend is not very high.

But in this moment that's the last thing I wanted to do.

So we went outside, because it was out in Arizona and it's beautiful out there, but we rolled out our mats on the grass in 108 degree heat and the instructor was asking us to do something.

but I was just.

I was in shock.

So I just kind of laid there and I felt like the lowest I'd ever felt in my entire life, wondering how in the world did it end up like this?

I closed my eyes for a second and I looked straight up into the clear blue sky.

And this is no joke.

Right at that moment, as I'm laying as if I'm dead on my mat, there is a group of vultures circling around me, up above me, and I thought well, this is very fitting, just come and take me now.

Then I close my eyes again And, as clear as I am speaking right now, i heard my papa, my heavenly father, say this to me at the lowest point of my life, at the point where the world was seeing me as a failure.

I heard his voice say I am so proud of you, son, i'm so proud of you.

It's the same with you When you come out of hiding.

He whispers in your ear I'm so proud of you, son, i'm so proud of you, daughter.

Now you can be the person that I've made you to be.

Now you can fully embrace the love that's been waiting for you all along.

So I'm forty two, eight By day.

The Lord directs his love At night.

His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

See, right now God is directing He's laser, beaming his love right towards you, in your stuff, in your junk.

He says my love is coming your way and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

And when you realize that his love is being beamed right at you, there is nothing.

You'd rather have more than that.

And it changes everything, and it changes how you see yourself, because you finally step into the person you have always been.

And so now I no longer say those vulgar things to myself.

Now, every single day, for the last five hundred and fifty two days, i have said these words often, dozen times a day.

I've said them countless of thousands of times, these words over and over again, often looking in the mirror as I say them.

I am loved, i am forgiven.

God is so proud of me.

I am a good man, i am a good father, i am Papa's child, my life has just begun.

And then again, i am loved.

God is so proud of me.

I am forgiven.

I am a good man, i am a good father, i am Papa's child, my life has just begun.

You are too.

You are not your list.

You are so loved, god is so proud of you.

You are a good man, you are a good woman, you are your unique creation.

You are the apple of God's eye, you are a saint, you are his prized possession, you are an heir to his inheritance.

You are loved, and there is nothing you can do to be separated from that love.

And so I pray with Paul that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God.

And I know that stuff you did and may still be doing has piled up over the years and you feel like you have pain and issues that are so high.

God's love is higher And I know the pain from the choices you have made seems like it could stretch for eternity and it seems so wide.

God's love is wider, and I know it may seem like the list of your issues is so stinking long.

God's love is longer And I know the stuff you are in right now, the things that you said you would stop, but you can't.

The addictions you have, the secrets that nobody else knows about.

They seem so deep and you feel like you are standing in a grave.

It is so deep and dark down there.

God's love is deeper, and so today, this recovering sex addict is just asking you to get honest.

This is the invitation that God gave to me 552 days ago.

It is the same invitation he has given you today.

Make this your day one.

Would you step out of shame?

Would you talk to someone?

Would you just get real honest and say this is what I am wrestling with.

This stuff is killing me.

I need help, and I know that takes courage, but what you will find is the loving embrace of a head, and only father just wraps you in his arms.

He says I am so proud of you, i love you so much.

Welcome home.