Session 3 (The Christian, Conflict, and Working Towards Peace)

I was just handed a brand new book and I was told, why don't you give this away?

!

All right, great. This, I'll just read off the cover, 500,000 copies sold. This for the

last 30 plus years, let me just see when it actually came out, 91, 30 plus years has been

kind of the staple resource within broader Christianity for conflict resolution, whether

it's interpersonal or whether it's between organizations. It's Ken Sandy's book called

The Peacemaker, a biblical guide to resolving personal conflict.

So there's so much help in this book. It'll do all the philosophical foundational stuff.

It will also do a lot of practical stuff. And when it's that long, it can do both.

Let me say, how do I want to, how do I want to do this? I could just say who feels like

they need this the most, but that would be more confession than anything.

All right, let's do this to the person whose birthday is closest to today.

Oh, when's your birthday?

February 14th.

Okay, who's closer?

March 9th.

Oh, can somebody do the math for me on that?

Yes.

February 26th.

Oh, no math needed. Can we beat February 26th?

Did you say February 14th?

Yes.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Congratulations. Can you pass that?

It's Valentine's Day. That's why it's sweet.

You have no idea how many heart-shaped cakes I need.

I'm sure.

After having given away a book, can I give you six other recommendations? You can jot them down.

Unless they're included in your intro stuff.

I don't know that Todd asked me for book recommendations. I sent them to him.

I don't know why he asked me if he was going to include them or not.

But let me just give them to you.

There is a reduced version of that book called Resolving Everyday Conflict.

That's by Ken Sandy.

Then this author chose a different angle for the title.

It's a very good book.

But If You Bite and Devour One Another.

That's language straight out of one of the epistles.

But If You Bite and Devour One Another by Alexander Strauch.

S-T-R-A-U-C-H.

That's going to be...

Ken's books are going to be a bit more on the practitioner side.

Like the practical.

Alexander Strauch's is going to be a little more of a biblical handling of these things.

Both are valuable.

Probably good side by side.

A couple more contemporary books written in the last 10 years.

Living Reconciled.

By P. Brian Noble.

A good companion for that is Pursuing Peace.

By Robert Jones.

And just two more.

I don't recommend my book every time I speak.

But I am going to recommend it here.

Particularly...

You know it focuses on marriage.

But with these words.

I've already referenced why it's relevant to this topic.

That's by yours truly.

And then I actually listed this in my list to Todd as a bonus book.

War of Words by Paul Tripp.

War of Words.

I'd say War of Words was certainly the first book I read on Christian communication

that had a really formative impact on me in just my regular conversations.

So it's not so much a conflict resolution book as it is what is the essence and the substance

of Christian communication.

Very good.

Paul is a very engaging writer.

Great storyteller.

So those are some recommendations if you want to go to the next level in pursuing this

or dive deeper into one element.

But let's jump into the issue of forgiveness.

We've talked a lot about conflict.

We've talked about our own hearts.

Our own contributions to conflict.

For conflict to kind of cross the finish line into resolution,

you have to go through the gauntlet of forgiveness.

This is essentially going to address how do we respond when we are actually wronged.

Okay, so I've titled it Why and How I Should Forgive.

And it's a very creative title because the first half is going to focus on why.

The second half is going to focus on how.

Okay, let me tell you, if you do end up getting the book I wrote,

the whole introduction tells this story in long form.

But let me tell you it in short form.

I was a Christian.

I felt like walking well with the Lord.

I got saved when I was 19.

Met Gina.

We started dating, I guess, when I was 22.

And we were married towards the very end of being 24.

I liked her.

And she liked me.

I don't mean like like in the awkward love sense,

but I actually enjoyed her as a person.

Then we got married.

And it went really bad really fast.

Five days in, actually.

We were on our honeymoon.

And we had the worst conflict of our marriage.

And I say that, I need to give you context.

Not the worst conflict we had had in our five days of marriage.

But I told you we're celebrating 30 years.

The worst conflict we've ever had in the 30 years of marriage.

It was ugly.

And we both, while still on our honeymoon that night,

really began despairing of the choice we made to get married.

We muscled out the rest of the honeymoon.

And when we got back to home,

we essentially spent a few months, three or four months,

just sniping and arguing constantly.

Until neither of us could do that anymore.

And we just stopped talking.

Like, stopped talking to one another.

Like, stopped talking to one another, just to be clear.

And it was just silent.

This cold war kind of ensued.

That went on until about 18 months into the marriage,

where we were told to go to a marriage conference for help.

And we both went to that first conference saying,

man, I hope she's listening to this.

I hope he's listening to this, right?

Then, for some reason, God chose to act.

I don't think either of us did anything particularly Christianly.

But he chose to act in just poor grace.

And then everything we learned at that conference

kind of came back and started to work on our own souls.

We both had this weeks of confession to one another,

sweet times of sorrow for what happened between us.

And once grace was on the scene,

we got to a place where we could actually forgive one another.

What was needed...

Well, let me finish, kind of put the period at the end of that sentence.

It was then that we started both to have this real passion

to help married couples.

Because I was leading worship at my church through that whole time.

And I was looking at a whole congregation of people

that didn't look as happy as Gina and I looked.

And I know what Gina and I were like at home.

And it just struck me, moved me,

what's actually going on in these homes,

in these people's lives,

that you don't see on their face on Sunday mornings.

So we just pressed in, studied like crazy.

That's when I read War of Words, by the way,

to bring that full circle.

And just started pressing into people's lives.

I read every counseling book I could get my hand on

so that I could be useful to people back then.

And the Lord has seen fit to keep me in counseling ever since.

But I tell that story in this context for this reason.

The thing that was needed,

there's a lot that was needed in the flood marriage at that point.

Humility, awareness of enemy number one, two, and three.

You know, all of that was needed in our marriage.

But when you go high enough,

what was really needed was the grace of God.

It was needed.

And then once grace was on the scene,

the next step was very obvious to us.

But this whole message is geared to,

in case it's not obvious to everybody,

once grace is on the scene,

the next step that was needed was forgiveness.

She was awful to me during those 18 months.

And I was awful to her.

We never would have gotten past it

by just starting to communicate better,

by just starting to read our Bibles better.

We needed to free one another

from what we had done to one another.

And that's where it stops being a marriage illustration.

It just goes into regular relationships.

If you're going to get through an injustice

to a place of either reconciliation,

if that's what God has,

or at least freedom from bitterness,

there's going to have to be

this bridge of forgiveness you cross.

Now,

I want to argue for you,

the way I think the Bible does,

not whether you should forgive.

We're told to forgive as the Lord has forgiven you,

so also you should forgive.

That's a very plain, straightforward sentence

that there's no getting out of.

That's the call.

But why?

We could just say,

well, because God says so.

But God doesn't even stop there.

He gives us reasons to forgive.

Let's cover that before we look at how.

And this is the territory

that Gina and I had to discover 28 years ago.

Still have to go there now

when we do sin against each other,

because newsflash, we still do that.

But this is the territory we'll all have to visit

if we're going to get to a place

of forgiving those who wrong us.

And it's going to be in Matthew 18.

Nearly the entire chapter focuses on forgiveness.

Jesus starts, I'm going to summarize the chapter.

We're eventually going to the end of the chapter,

the parable at the end.

So I'm going to give a quick flyover

to get us down to verse 21.

He starts with the seriousness of sin,

but he then quickly transitions

to the seriousness of forgiveness.

And he has illustrations he gives there.

There's the illustration of the lost sheep

and the amount of celebrating that happens in heaven

when one sheep who's lost, that's been found.

Heaven rejoices.

He then goes on after that illustration

to talk about what is often referred to

as the church discipline portion of Matthew 18.

I've already told one of you during the break,

I'm not a fan of that.

I do think it's a good structure for church discipline.

I'm not contesting that.

I support that.

But I don't know that church discipline

was what was in mind at first.

Jesus is talking about forgiveness

and about being wronged.

And so when you get to that first step,

if a brother sins against you,

go to him in private and show him his fault.

What's in view there?

So you can check off the first box

to kick him out of the church.

No, it's to reconcile.

It's to forgive.

It's to see if that private conversation

can resolve this issue.

If he doesn't listen to you,

then kick him out of the church.

No.

If he doesn't listen to you,

bring two or three others along with you.

That's not just to get their testimony on your side.

It's to increase the severity of this issue

so that this reconciliation,

forgiveness really matters here.

There needs to be that acknowledgement of sin

for reconciliation to happen.

If that doesn't happen,

let's expand it even further

and tell it to the church.

Again, that's not to shame the person,

but that's to call them to a place of repentance.

Whether it's sin directly against God,

it may not be a sin against anyone in particular,

or a sin against another member of the church.

It's to call them to repentance.

And then in the absence of repentance,

Jesus is holding out.

Okay, that is doing your due diligence

to contend for forgiveness and reconciliation.

If that doesn't happen,

then remove them from the church.

Okay, so I'm in support of that being

the structure of our church discipline.

I just think it has much broader application

for relationships and forgiveness

because that's what Jesus is talking about all along.

At the end of that church discipline section,

I'm skipping over the portion where

if two or three of you are gathering,

you agree,

whatever's bound in heaven is bound on earth,

skip over to that.

The apostles clearly know the whole time

Jesus is talking about forgiveness

because we come to the actual passage

we're going to look at.

Peter's response when Jesus is done teaching,

what question does he say?

You know, how should we practice this

in our church polity?

No, he doesn't say that.

Again, it's a fine application,

but that's not what he says.

He says,

Lord, how often will my brother sin against me

and I forgive him?

This is verse 21.

As many as seven times.

So Peter's tracking.

Jesus is talking about forgiveness this whole time.

How often am I supposed to forgive a repeat offender?

Someone who keeps doing the same thing to me.

And Peter's like,

all right, let me give a ridiculous number

so Jesus can say,

yes, Peter,

that's more than enough

and Peter can look great, right?

As many as seven times.

And Jesus gives him a crazier number.

I do not say to you seven times,

but 77 times.

Now just imagine,

if they had that mind-blown emoji,

it would have appeared over all their heads then, right?

It's just like,

what does that even mean?

Like, how in the world,

why would we forgive somebody 77 times?

And so Jesus doesn't wait for them

to ask the why question.

He says,

I do not say to you seven times,

but 77 times.

And then he goes into why.

Why am I saying that?

And this is a good time to remind you

of the qualifier I gave last time.

I'm not intending you to draw a straight line

from this to your relationship

if that relationship has been grievously wrong.

Abuse situations.

Unsafe situations.

We want to take this teaching.

It does apply.

But we don't want to draw a straight line

to by four o'clock,

you're calling that person who did that to you.

I'm not saying that at all.

Get counsel.

There's wisdom in many counselors.

But in the vast majority of our scenarios,

we probably should consider

what a straight line looks like here.

Okay?

Jesus goes straight into the why.

Okay?

He starts to say,

therefore,

so he says not seven times,

but 77 times.

Therefore,

and then we're into the parable.

So in your outlines,

I'm going to know why should I forgive?

Scene one,

the king and the debtor.

Let's just look at the first several verses

of the parable.

Therefore,

the kingdom of heaven

may be compared to a king

who wished to settle accounts

with his servants.

When he began to settle,

he was brought to him,

he,

one was brought to him

who owed him

10,000 talents.

Now that is a ridiculous amount of money.

Nobody could ever pay that back.

One wonders how he got that far into debt

to the master in the first place,

but I don't think that's the point.

The point is he owes a debt

he can never repay.

And since he could not pay,

his master ordered him to be sold

with his wife and children

and all that he had

and payment to be made.

Essentially,

he is,

he's defaulted on his loan

and the master is saying,

all right,

let me see if I can get 10 cents

on the dollar here.

Let me sell him

and his kids

and all his assets.

I'll get out of it when I can.

That's what he's doing there.

So the servant

fell on his knees

imploring him,

have patience with me

and I will pay you everything.

And out of pity for him,

not because it was a great deal

for the master,

out of pity for him,

the master of that servant

released him

and forgave the debt.

The first half

of what this guy says

is really solid.

Have patience with me.

It's a place of humility,

isn't it?

It's a place of saying,

I can't pay this now,

I'm pleading for mercy.

The next thing he says

is a little troublesome.

And I will pay you everything.

Everybody knew he had no way

of paying him any of that.

Right?

But somehow,

he's saying,

okay, listen,

I can get myself out of this.

It's like a gambler

whose debt is so grand,

he just needs to go hit

on that one big bet

and pay it all back.

Okay?

I'll pay you everything.

But the master doesn't say,

okay, check back with me

in 30 days.

He didn't negotiate.

The master forgave.

Have pity on me.

He had pity.

Be patient with me.

He gave him patience.

So, guys,

we're not supposed to,

right now,

identify with the master.

We're first,

in the story,

supposed to identify ourselves

as this servant.

The servant who owes God

an immeasurable debt.

One we could never repay.

That's us.

So, Peter says,

as many as seven times,

he's like,

okay, okay,

wait a second.

Peter,

you're going to be

the servant in this case.

Let's first visit

how God has forgiven you.

Let's start there.

He owes 10,000 talents

and the master forgave them.

Okay?

And that would be

an incredible story.

We could read that

to our kids,

tuck them in bed at night.

But there is a part two

to this story

and it's the servant

and his debtor.

Okay, look at verse 28.

But when that same servant

went out,

he found one of his fellow servants

who owed him

a hundred denarii.

And seizing him,

he began to choke him,

saying,

pay what you owe.

So his fellow servant

fell down

and pleaded with him,

have patience with me

and I will pay you.

He refused

and went

and put him in prison

until he should pay the debt.

Now,

immeasurable debt

owed to the master.

I'm trying to remember

what the study Bible says.

Some of you may have it

right in front of you

with 10,000 denarii.

It's like 200 years of work,

something like that.

Yeah,

it's like

it's a seven something billion.

Like,

that's quite a debt.

Like,

you know,

that's a problem.

A hundred denarii,

for basic purposes,

denarii is a day's wage.

Okay?

So this guy was owed

just over three months

of wages

where he owed

seven point something billion.

Okay?

But,

so Jesus is using

two extremes here

in this story.

The amount that I owed

and the amount that's owed to me.

The extremes.

The second thing he does

masterfully

is this servant

says the same thing

that this guy said

to the master.

Have patience with me

and I will repay you.

Now,

the story would be glorious

if he's like,

hey, listen,

in light

of the immeasurable debt

I've been forgiven.

It's my joy

to forgive you

the hundred denarii.

Brother,

go in peace.

Your debts forgiven.

But he throws this guy

in prison.

Now,

I don't know.

You only surmise

why that would be.

Maybe he refused

to receive the forgiveness

from the master

and didn't like

that place of humility,

of humiliation,

of being in need

of that much mercy.

And let me squeeze

a hundred out of this guy.

Let me squeeze a hundred

out of this guy.

Let me pay back

what I can.

Not living as a forgiven person,

but living as a person

who's still in debt.

Maybe

he's like,

all right,

well,

I've been forgiven that.

Let me stock up

on more money

so I don't go into debt.

We don't know

why he did this,

but there's a clear

incongruency here

between how he's been treated

and how he is treated.

And when he heard,

even though he went

after this guy

to collect the debt,

when he heard,

have patience with me

and I will pay you,

it should have jarred him.

It's like,

oh,

I've heard that before

and I've benefited

greatly from that.

That should have jarred him,

but clearly it did not.

He sends the guy

to prison.

There's a third part

in this story.

It comes with

Jesus' application.

It stings a little bit,

so buckle up.

Here we go.

The master executes justice.

Verse 31,

when his fellow servants

saw what had taken place,

they were greatly distressed.

Why?

They saw the incongruency.

They saw it.

And they went

and reported to their master

all that had taken place.

Then his master summoned him

and said to him,

you wicked servant,

I forgave you

all that debt

because you pleaded with me.

And should not you

have had mercy

on your fellow servant

as I had mercy on you?

And in anger,

his master delivered him

to the jailers

until he should pay

all his debt.

Now we have to be

very careful.

Parables,

I'm just going real quick,

you guys probably

already know this.

Parables are told

with a main point in mind.

We're not supposed

to exegete parables

the way we exegete

epistles.

We shouldn't come

to the end of this story

and be like,

well,

if he was genuinely born again,

did the master

take away his salvation?

That's not the point

of this parable.

The point of this parable,

Jesus tells us,

so also my father

will do to every one of you,

listen,

if you do not forgive

your brother

from your heart.

Jesus gives us

this long story

to underscore

a principle

that forgiven people

ought to be

forgiving people.

forgiven people

ought to be

forgiving people.

Why?

Because being forgiven

makes us nice?

No.

Because being forgiven

should make us

eternally grateful.

We should be

grateful,

so overwhelmed

with gratitude

gratitude.

For the punishment

of sin,

we don't have to pay.

For the consequences

of sin,

for the assurance

we have

once we're born again

that even our

ongoing sin,

the places we continue

to fall,

don't jeopardize

our standing

before God

because our standing

before God

is secured

in the completed

work of Jesus.

all judgment

for our sin,

past,

present,

and future

has been poured

out on Christ.

So,

this doesn't just

make us forgiven,

it gives us

security.

And we

enjoy an assurance

of heaven

as born-again

believers

because of the

finished work

of Christ.

It is finished

means something.

And so then,

being forgiven

and secured

the way we are

ought to then

influence how we

treat those

who wrong us.

What has been

committed against us

will never equate.

We don't have

any

10,000

denarii people

who sin

against us.

And here's why.

There are certainly

degrees of sin

and there are

some of us

have certainly

been sinned

against

more than

others

or in a

more grievous

way.

There's heinous,

awful sin.

But that sin

is committed

between two

fallen people

as opposed

to our sin

committed

against a

holy God.

It's sin

of another

nature

that creates

the incredible

debt that we

owe God

before our

salvation.

And so,

the image

that we are

given here

is to

forgive

as your

heavenly

father

has forgiven

you.

And gang,

this leads

us to this

place of

gratitude.

We need to

cultivate

gratitude.

If you're not

regularly

overwhelmed

with gratitude

at the mercy

you've received,

I just want to

encourage you,

revisit the

cross.

Revisit

the work,

what the

cross's

implications

are.

Revisit

the fact

that before

you were

dead in

your

trespasses

and sins,

but God

made you

alive together

with Christ.

Review the

fact that

when you

were lost,

the things

of God

are foolishness

to those

who are

perishing,

but to

those who

have the

Spirit,

they are

everlasting

life.

Just

review what

you have

in Christ

and realize

the only

reason you

have it,

what do

you have

that you

have not

been given?

And so

if you've

been given

it,

why do

you act

as though

it belongs

to you?

It's yours.

Right?

Everything we

have,

wisdom,

intelligence,

finances,

soundness of

mind,

safety,

whatever we

have is a

gift from

God.

And so

we live

aware of

that gift.

We live

in gratitude

of those

gifts and

we treat

others as

someone who

has been

treated with

great generosity

ourselves.

This parable

is one of

those places

that holds

out gratitude,

that holds

that out for

us in

striking terms.

Now the

question,

once you've

cultivated that

gratitude,

once you

have it,

how do

you now

forgive?

How do

you walk

through it?

Let me

draw some

principles from

the parable.

I've just

underscored a

couple of

them,

but let me

keep doing

them.

People sin.

Dogs bark,

fish swim,

people sin.

That's how it

works,

okay?

You're people,

so you do

it too,

right?

So we

shouldn't be

shocked in

our lives when

we're sinned

against.

Now some

particular sins

are very

shocking,

but it

shouldn't in

the end be

a shock.

How could

that person

do that?

We are all

capable of

the vilest

of sin if

it weren't

for the

staying grace

of God.

We need

to know

that about

ourselves so

that we can

respond properly

to the sin

that's committed

around us

and committed

to us.

So if you're

going to thrive

in relationships,

you're going to

have to bring

this expectation

that people

sin.

I've used

marriage as

an illustration.

It's beautiful

in this picture.

You've got two

sinners that

are married and

joined into

one flesh.

That's a

beautiful picture,

but it's also

crowded for two

sinners in one

flesh.

They've got to

work out all

their sin in

that one person

that gets

formed.

In a

household,

when you're

with people

24-7,

kids,

I don't know

if any of

you have

kids,

but you've

all been

a kid.

And so

when people

live together,

their sin

rubs off on

one another,

right?

There's all

this sin

going all

over the

place.

We just

have to

stop being

surprised by

it.

So let

me provide

four points

of application

from this

parable.

First,

I just

said keep

yourself

grateful.

And I

included here

Ephesians 5-20,

give thanks

always and

for everything

to God

the Father

in the name

of our

Lord Jesus

Christ.

I do love

when the

epistles use

those awkward

words like

always and

everything.

Okay,

give thanks

always and

everything.

gratitude is

a Christian

virtue.

It's not

just this

awesome app

you download

onto your

Christian life.

It's an

actual core

virtue that

we need to

cultivate,

one of

gratitude.

Second,

keep

others'

sin in

perspective.

This is

where the

servant

failed.

He treated

the guy who

owed him

100 denarii

in the same

exact way

that he was

going to be

treated for

the 10,000

talents.

There was

disproportion in

the consequence

because he

allowed their

debts to

lose,

the guy who

owed him to

lose perspective.

How do we

do that?

Why do we

do that?

Because when

we're sinned

against, we

foster bitterness.

And then what

happens is the

person who

sinned against

us now has

to answer not

only for what

they did,

but for what

we did with

what they

did.

So if we

fostered

bitterness and

hatred and

we've lost

sleep, and

now they're

accountable for

all of that.

And so we

immediately begin

to lose

perspective on

what people

have done as

though we

could never

do it.

The fact that

I could

never do

what that

person did,

just catch

yourself there.

it's almost

never true.

So I'm

not trying to

diminish the

hurt that

comes with

this, but I

am trying to

show you here

in keeping

others'

sin in

perspective that

we have

access to a

gospel that's

stronger than

the effect of

people's sin.

People's sin

really does hurt

us, but we

have a gospel

that's bigger

and stronger

than that,

so that we

don't have to

relate to

people according

to their

iniquities.

After all,

I'm sure you've

already made the

connection, God

doesn't treat us

according to our

iniquities.

It's not that he

sets aside justice,

all of that

actually matters,

it does, but

you'll never

actually be able

to pursue

justice

righteously if

you don't deal

with this first.

third.

Walk through the

steps of

forgiveness.

There are very

important ingredients

for forgiveness

to be

actualized.

Okay, let me

just lay out

four of them,

I could probably

insert a few

others.

Acknowledge that

you've been

wronged.

It doesn't

really do us

any good,

even if we're

trying to

overlook an

offense,

it doesn't

do us any

good to

say, oh,

what they

did wasn't

wrong.

I'm sure it

was.

Maybe it's just

a personality

thing that's

annoying you,

that's different.

But if the

person's actually

sinned, they've

done a wrong,

they've been

wronged.

They've done

wrong, you've

been wronged.

So if you're

going to actually

get to a place

of forgiveness,

you have to

acknowledge that

you've been

wronged.

And actual

injustice has

happened here.

you are

technically

owed a

debt.

Second,

allow their

sin to

remind you

of your

state as

a sinner.

This is

where this

guy fell

short.

When you're

struggling,

if you can't

overlook a

sin and it's

lingering in

your soul,

just take that

next step of

reminding yourself

of how you've

been treated

as a sinner

by God.

Let me tell you

a story.

When I was in

the Pastors

College for

Sovereign Grace

2007 to

2008, and

one of our

teachers there,

the class was

Christian Holiness,

I think is the

title of the

class, was

taught by Jerry

Bridges.

Anybody here

know Jerry

Bridges?

Sean Wu.

They don't know

him personally.

No, no, no.

But do you

know who Jerry

Bridges is?

Sean Wu.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, so

trusting God,

transforming grace,

disciplines of

grace, Sean.

All right, well,

listen, I'm going

to tell you a

story about Jerry

Bridges that will

be sweet.

After you read

his books, it'll

really be profound.

Okay, so Jerry

Bridges was teaching

this class.

He was 80

something at the

time.

And he came

in on Thursday

morning, red-eyed.

Irrespectable

sins would be

another one.

Yeah, he was

red-eyed, like

he had been

crying, or had

a hangover, I

assume he was

crying.

And so he was

gathering himself,

blotting his

eyes, and somebody

in the class just

said, Dr.

Bridges, are you

okay?

And he said,

well, let me

tell you a story.

I'm going to tell

you what he

said.

He said, this

morning in my

devotions, which

right there should

humble everybody,

because he's 80

something, still

doing his

devotions.

This morning in

my devotions, the

Lord convicted me

of a sin that I've

been committing, I

think, my whole

Christian life.

And he's just

chosen today to be

the day to convict

me of it.

He has forbeard

with me for 60

years without ever

pointing this out.

How good is God?

He starts crying

again, right?

God acknowledged it

was wrong when it

was best for Jerry

to deal with that.

And in that

moment, God was

bringing attention

to Jerry's

sinful state.

Now, Jerry

has, I've never

known him

personally,

personally.

I mean, I've been

in his presence,

we've talked, but

he's a gracious

man who treats

others the way

we're talking

about.

But even at

84, I think he

might have been,

there are sins

you're committing

now that God's just

not pointing out

to you.

He's bearing

with them.

Okay?

You may be

called to do

that with

somebody.

When they

grow in

Christ more,

they'll see

this clearly.

I can bear

with this

now.

And then

there are those

things that you

can't, that have

to be addressed,

and we talked

about addressing

those earlier.

But allow

their sin to

just remind you

of your own

sinful state.

then, next,

embrace that

Jesus bled for

their injustice

and for yours.

I find it very,

very helpful

when I'm at

odds with

somebody to

remind myself

of two things,

assuming they're

a Christian.

Well, first,

they're image

bearers of God.

Then, assuming

they're a Christian,

they're covered

in the same

blood that

needed to cover

me.

I'm going to

be spending

eternity with

this person.

These are just

good reminders

for us to

embrace the

Christian worldview

of who they

are, that

Jesus bled

for this

sin that

they've just

committed against

me, Christ

died for.

And then

cast their

sin into

the sea of

forgetfulness.

Now, that's

where God

has put your

sin.

And he

doesn't relate

to you

as that

person who

keeps failing

and keeps

offending.

He relates

to you as

one who is

forgiven,

freed from

the weight

of your

sin.

That's what

Matthew 18

here is

holding out

for us.

Now, God

has the

holy ability

to cast

things into

the sea of

forgetfulness,

and we

will struggle

with that

more.

Let me

take an

excursus

here.

When are

we here

till?

Three?

We have to

be cleaned

up by

them,

though,

right?

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Okay,

great.

This is

not an

hour-long

excursus,

don't worry

about it,

it's just

a minute.

I'm trying

to see how

many of

these I

can take.

There's a

distinction

between

having a

posture of

forgiveness

and being

able to be

restored and

forgiven.

there's a

distinction

there.

One is

needed for

the other

to occur,

but there's

a distinction

there.

There's

this posture.

I have,

as far as

that Romans

12,

18,

as far as

it depends

on me,

I'm living

at peace.

I'm standing

ready to be

reconciled to

this person.

It's what

happened on

the cross

when Jesus

said,

forgive them,

Father,

for they

know not

what they

do.

The person

was not

asking for

forgiveness.

It was

Jesus'

posture to

release and

forgive.

But actual

reconciliation

doesn't happen

until that

forgiveness is

transactional,

where the

person acknowledges

their wrongdoing,

asks for that

forgiveness that

you're already

postured to

grant.

Okay?

The burden

of forgiveness,

the burden of

reconciliation,

does not rest on

you alone.

you can do

everything that

God has called

you to do

and still not

achieve that

because that

depends on

another person.

Does that

make sense

what I'm

saying?

It's important

to think in

those theological

terms so that

you don't carry

some burden

you ought not

be carrying.

But I don't

want to so not

carry that that

you're not

carrying any

burden.

We are called

to tend to

our own soul

and to engage

in these things

in this way.

The last thing

I want to

highlight for

you coming

out of the

parable,

and it's an

uncomfortable

one to

explore,

but it's

there.

Don't put

boundaries on

your forgiveness.

Essentially,

when Jesus

says 77

times,

you can

imagine Peter

just going

all wide-eyed

and saying,

what?

And Jesus

just saying,

no boundaries,

Peter,

no.

No,

you forgive

and you

forgive.

Now,

that doesn't

mean we

treat all

sin the

same.

It doesn't

mean we

continue to

allow others

to treat us

and disregard

us.

What it

does mean

is that our

forgiving posture

toward that

sin ought

not have an

expiration date.

Okay?

So,

I'm not trying

to whitewash

it all and

make all sin

the same.

I'm not trying

to somehow

just make

it look good

on the

outside

and let

all of

this

broken

depravity

happen in

relationships.

I'm not

saying that

there's not

a time for

you to stand

up and defend

yourself and

step into a

better situation

and get out

from underneath

this.

all those

things ought to

be pursued.

I said

earlier, I

forget if it

was to a

person or

from here,

a personal

conversation or

here, but

the God of

mercy and

forgiveness is

also the

God of

justice and

judgment.

Those things

matter, but

we can't

pursue justice

and judgment

in unrighteousness.

We have to

deal with this

personal stuff

first.

So, having

a posture

of forgiveness

positions us

to best

pursue

righteousness

and to

pursue

justice.

So, what

of the

chronic

offender?

Here's a few

extreme examples.

What of the

repeat adulterer

or a violent

abuser?

Ought we

forgive them?

Okay, good

question.

Now, in the

posture, the

truest sense

of the word,

the person

receiving that

abuse, the

person receiving

that gross

mistreatment,

is most

freed when

they're most

forgiving.

That does

not mean,

however, that

you're to go

back to that

relationship.

That does not

mean you're to

go back to

that situation.

This all

needs wisdom

and nuance.

But we

don't want to

skirt ourselves

out from the

plain teaching

of Scripture

Scripture.

Forgiveness

is not

enabling.

It's not

designed to

be enablement.

It's not

overlooking

heinous sin.

It does not

mean you stay

in bad

situations.

It doesn't

mean you

avoid the

authorities.

There are

times where

my direct

counsel is

call the

police,

have the

person

removed,

and then

we'll talk

about any

heart issues

that exist.

this dangerous

situation has

to stop.

I keep

using these

extreme

examples so

you're not

hearing what

I'm not

saying.

Okay?

It just

means that

our posture

while doing

wise and

just things

is to

reflect the

teaching of

Scripture and

release the

person from

the debt

they owe.

Why?

Because our

debt has

been released.

That's the

crux of

the end of

Matthew 18,

the climax

of the

chapter.

Now let me

give you a

few pitfalls,

things that

happen in

our lives

that work

against a

forgiving

posture.

First is

isolation and

alienation.

This has

made all the

more possible

in the last

15, 20

years as we

have cell

phones and

social media

and all of

these things,

FaceTime,

these kinds

of things,

they're

wonderful,

but they're

poor replacements

for actual

relationships.

So I'm not

casting shade

on all that

stuff, but I

am saying

that we have

to realize

there are

limitations

to, you

know, having

1,200 social

media friends.

That's very

different from

having 12

real friends.

We have to

see the

difference, the

substantive

difference

there.

Okay?

And the

former, that

electronic

community, allows

you to

cultivate and

curate so

you only see

things on your

social media

feeds that you

want to see,

you block

things you

don't want to