Dating Seminar

All right. So starting off with singleness. When singleness is mentioned in the beginning of scripture, God sees Adam's singleness, and he says it is not good. It is not good that man should be alone.

He says, I will make a helper fit for him. And so he creates Eve for Adam in marriage. So at the start of the Bible, singleness is viewed unfavorably, so much so that marriage is actually needed. It's a needed solution to the problem.

However, in the New Testament, in Matthew 22, Jesus makes it clear that in the bodily resurrection with Christ in heaven, we will neither marry nor be given in marriage and will be like the angels.

All right. So where before God intervened and fixed this broken singleness issue, now in heaven, it's seen as normal, good, appropriate.

So what gives? Why is there such a remarkably different stance towards singleness in heaven?

It's ultimately because, right, our spiritual marriage to Christ. Ephesians 5 frames our messy, sinful, horizontal marriages as husband and wife as just a glimpse, a picture of our love-filled, perfect, vertical marriages with Christ, right, with Christ and his church.

That though she has been promiscuous, she's been unfaithful like Gomer, the faithful husband like Hosea, he's pursued his bride, even when it cost him his own life.

Even though we, none of us, none of us deserve to wear white on that day, he has bought us our gown, he's washed it in his blood.

And so on that day, on that glorious wedding, we will sing, let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory for the marriage of the Lamb has come and his bride has made her ready.

This is the reason why this shift in singleness happens, because everything that our horizontal marriages points to is now been fulfilled in our marriages with Christ.

But this shift in the evaluation of singleness doesn't occur just in heaven.

In fact, it's already happened.

Paul says so in 1 Corinthians 7, where he writes to a people written in the same redemptive era as us between the two comings of Christ, right?

And there are a couple places where he remarkably notes the value of singleness.

In verse 7, he says, I wish that all were as I myself am, meaning happily single for the Lord.

Verse 8, to the unmarried and to the widowed, I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.

Verse 38, so then he who marries his betrothed does well.

And he who refrains from marriage will do even better.

Again, just note the stark contrast between Genesis.

It is not good.

It is not good for the man to be alone.

To Paul's now, he who refrains from marriage will do even better.

And why is it better for Paul?

You will be free from anxiety, he says.

The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.

But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife and his interests are divided.

That's verses 32 to 34.

Have you ever noticed?

I'm sure you guys have noticed when you guys attend our Wednesday prayer meetings, right?

It's mostly singles.

It's mostly people who have the time and the luxury to be able to come.

I'm literally guilty of this, right?

I'm not saying that it's good or right, but it is just natural.

Married people, especially with kids, are naturally divided and distracted because of their home duties.

There is a unique value and privilege that a single person has in his or her capacity to serve the Lord and to serve his people.

Sam Albury, a faithful pastor who models godly singleness, he shared a story about how there was an elderly member of his congregation.

He needed someone to take care of him, right?

He needed a caretaker.

And his wife, the usual caretaker, needed to travel somewhere else to attend to some other business for a month.

No one else in the entire church could just drop everything at home and go and live with this man and go help this man.

No one but Sam.

So Sam went and lived with this man, serving him, taking care of him, making the most out of the flexibility and the ability, the capacity he has to serve uniquely.

I think this is such a beautiful picture of how precious and how effective singleness can be in the kingdom of God.

So my whole point is that singleness is not automatically a curse or a deficiency that immediately needs to be fixed by dating, by marriage.

But really, so often we treat it like a curse.

There are different ways you could define biblical wisdom.

But one that's been sticking with me as of late is a simple premise.

Just to see life, see the world the way that God sees it.

Not to be influenced by our cultural presuppositions.

You know, the risk of teaching a dating seminar is potentially to fall into that cultural trap, right?

That singleness is automatically bad.

And that everyone here who's single, right?

You better get busy.

You better start going on dates, get married, have kids.

I am by no means denigrating those things, right?

I am pro-marriage and pro-family.

But I'm also pro-singleness.

Because the Bible is unapologetically pro-singleness.

After all, Jesus, Paul, John the Baptist, they were all single.

That being said, 1 Corinthians 7 is not a blanket statement of pro-singleness.

I want to make that clear.

Instead, it's a pro, a very specific type of singleness.

To those verses above, here are the rest of the verses, right?

Singleness is better if you have the gift of singleness.

The rest of verse 8.

To the unmarried and the widows, I say that it's good for them to reign single as I am.

But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry.

For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong,

and it has to be, let him do as he wishes.

Let them marry.

It is no sin.

So then he who marries his betrothed does well.

And he who refrains from marriage will do even better.

Paul veers to encourage some singles to remain single, right?

While others, he encourages to marry.

And who are those people?

Those who struggle with self-control in sexual purity who burn with passion.

Those who are distracted in their singleness because they are constantly longing for marriage.

And I think that that is actually the majority of us.

While scripture is pro-singleness, it's also clear that the biblical norm is to get married.

In the pastoral qualifications for elders, they always say husband of one wife.

You see that in 1 Timothy 3.

You see that in Titus 1.

It's not that marriage is an explicit requirement for eldership.

But it's naturally assumed that these men would be married.

That was the natural and normal assumption.

In Matthew 19, after Jesus raises the bar for divorce and remarriage,

The disciples said to him,

If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.

And Jesus said to them,

Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.

But only those to whom it is given.

The reality is, I think most of the singles in our church should pray and seek to be married.

Given that the Bible teaches that singleness is the exceptional and honorable calling for those who can receive it.

But that marriage is the norm.

Most of us should probably think about getting married.

And to help you think through whether I have the gift or not, the gift of singleness or not,

I put together this simple decision tree.

It starts with a simple diagnostic question.

Do you want to be married?

Do you not want to be married?

Andreas Kossenberger, an NT scholar, wrote a great book, God, Marriage, and Family.

In that, he said that if you fear you have the gift of singleness,

it probably means you don't have it.

You can all take a deep breath.

And I agree with him.

Second question, are you self-controlled in your singleness?

Are you taking advantage of your singleness in serving the Lord and his people?

Right?

Second question, so if yes, then great.

It seems like you might have the gift of singleness.

We need faithful examples of you, of people like you in our church.

You are a living example of what we'll all be like in heaven.

Single, horizontally, but married vertically to Christ.

So remain faithful to the Lord in your singleness until things change, right?

Things could change.

Maybe circumstances change and your desires change.

But as long as you are content in your singleness,

continue to serve the Lord in that way.

If you are not sure,

let's say that you're generally self-controlled in your battle against lust.

You're generally taking advantage of the unique privilege of being single,

serving the Lord, serving his people.

But you're not very sure if you want to be single for the rest of your life.

Because again, Paul says that it's better to remain single.

I think we should err towards that direction.

I think you should try to remain single, right?

Try pursuing faithfulness in singleness

to see if you can live that life in contentment and self-control.

And over time, God should provide more clarity.

And I want to, again, correct our cultural presuppositions here.

I think your parents, the people around you,

everyone, if you're not sure,

the natural instinct will be for, of course,

you've got to get married.

You've got to start dating.

But I want to put pause on that

and help us to think biblically about what singleness really looks like.

If no, let's say you're not content in your singleness,

you're struggling to be self-controlled,

and you're positive you want to be married,

then, of course, let it be.

Though contented, servant-oriented singleness

is better than being married,

it is no sin to marry.

In fact, Paul rebukes false teachers

who prohibited marriage.

I think I have a slide of that, right?

It's these false teachers who prohibit marriage unnecessarily.

That's not true.

That's a false teaching.

So it's a good thing to get married.

If you know that you don't have the gift of singleness,

then, which I, again, think as most Christians today,

then we ought to do two things.

We have to fight for contentment and self-control,

and secondly, pursue marriage.

Just because you might not have the gift of singleness

is no excuse for you not to pursue contentment,

wholehearted contentment in the Lord.

You might need to fight harder for it,

but contentment and self-control are made available to all people,

even in unwanted singleness.

With Jesus, we can learn the secret of facing plenty,

facing hunger, abundance, and need.

We can do all things through him who strengthens us.

Such an important passage in Philippians 4.

But even while you are content in the Lord,

you can still work towards marriage.

Contentment is not a spiritual exercise in kidding yourself.

Contentment doesn't destroy your ability

of distinguishing what you want and what you don't want.

Paul said that he learned how to be content,

but it's not like he pretended that hunger and need

are the exact same.

Hunger and plenty of abundance are the exact same.

Hunger and need are not good places to be necessarily.

It's impossible to be content in the Lord

in the midst of persecution,

but that doesn't mean that you should stay in persecution.

Maybe a helpful analogy there.

So then, pursue marriage.

In our specific time and culture,

that's typically done through dating.

By definition, the purpose of dating

is to seek clarity on one simple question.

Am I going to get married to this person?

That's the basic question you're just asking.

It's not to follow the pattern of this world,

to date just to have fun,

or to find our ultimate joy in another person,

or to create these pseudo-marriages

that actually have no commitment in them.

If dating is all about marriage,

then, realistically, we ought to wait.

To wait to date until you are ready to marry.

So the first step in pursuing marriage, I think,

is to self-evaluate.

Am I realistically ready

to handle everything that marriage entails?

Do I see myself getting married

within the next 18 months?

That might seem quick for some of you,

and it's by no means a legalistic rule.

Every couple is different.

Some are going to date shorter and longer.

Some engagements will be shorter and longer.

But I think you can absolutely determine

whether you're going to marry somebody

and plan a wedding within 18 months.

When you self-evaluate yourself for marriage,

your readiness for marriage,

understand that none of us

are ever going to arrive of perfect readiness.

The bar is not sinless perfection.

But there are wise and concrete questions

that I think you can ask yourself

to evaluate whether you are prepared

to take that step forward.

I think the first question is,

can I provide financially for a family?

Am I independent from my parents?

Given that marriage means

that you leave from your parents

and you cleave to one another

and you start an independent family,

your ability to provide for a family matters.

And I think this question

particularly pertains to the guy.

Given the Bible's consistent teaching

on male headship in the family,

I think it is primarily the male's,

the guy's responsibility

to be able to provide for their family.

It doesn't mean that you need to make

a lot of money to take your family

on fancy vacations.

It doesn't mean that you also can't marry

if you're in grad school.

But you should have the means

and or a plan to provide

basic provisions for a family,

including the prospect of kids.

Number two,

am I a recent convert?

I would generally advise

newly converted Christians to wait.

To wait before immediately jumping

into dating and to marriage.

There is so much value

in your singleness

to devote your time

in growing your relationship

with the Lord.

Number three,

am I a member of a church

in good standing?

If you are a member

not in good standing,

i.e. under church discipline,

there are far more important issues

at hand than for you

to get married,

to think about getting married.

So you ought to address

those areas of your life first

before you introduce someone else

into the equation.

Number four,

are there destructive addictions

slash patterns in my life

that control me?

What?

Oh, thank you.

Uncontrolled addictions

to things like pornography,

gambling,

alcohol,

drugs,

and or shopping,

they ought to be addressed

before you jump into dating.

I do think that marriage

is a provision from the Lord

to help our battle against lust.

And I don't think you need to wait

until you're at a point

where you're 100% lust free

and that you never ever

struggle with lust.

But if you are watching porn regularly,

if you are enslaved to it,

I think it would be wise

to pursue freedom

before inviting again

someone else into your life.

I'm happy to talk about that

more after.

At the end of the day,

it's both impossible

and unwise

to lay down exacting,

determinative parameters

of what it means

to be ready for marriage.

So much of it

is case by case,

I think.

Right?

I think this is where

the community around you

is so helpful.

Ask your friends,

parents,

pastors,

Christian mentors,

whether they see you

getting married.

If you are single

and you are seeking

to get married,

you do well

to seek their

brutally honest feedback.

Invite that into your life.

Humbly receive that feedback

and be open

both to their challenges

and to their encouragement.

So let's say you're

willing and able

to get married.

So what's next?

Well, I want to

try doing something

interactive

so it's not just me

talking for an hour and a half.

I want us to read together

the best book

written on dating.

And it's

the Bible.

The Bible has a lot

to tell us about

how we are to date.

So I want us to do

breakout sessions,

get into an exercise here.

We're going to break out

into groups

of four to five,

right,

with the people around you.

We're going to read

through Genesis 24,

1 to 33.

And see if you can

identify some applications

from this story

about how we are

to date today.

It's a story about

how Abraham's servant

goes and finds

Rebecca for Isaac.

I want you to try

to find the OIA method

if you ever heard of that,

right,

observation,

interpretation,

application.

We're going to ask

simply good questions

about the text

and observation.

What does a text say?

These are some examples

of what you can look for.

You probably don't need

to get into all this.

It's kind of complicated

but the basic question

is what does a text say?

Interpretation is

once you make an observation

about the text

you have to interpret it,

right?

So what does a text mean?

And then finally,

application,

we want to make

that bridge between

their cultural time,

that writing,

to what does this mean

for me?

How does this text

apply for me?

And so we're going to

do this all around

dating.

What are some applications

we can bring

out of this text

for dating?

Okay?

So I'm going to give you guys

10 minutes,

form your groups

on your own,

read through the text,

and try to come up

with some applications,

observations,

interpretations,

applications,

and then we're going

to share them

all together as a group.

Make sense?

So who wants

to go first?

Okay, let's go.

So,

the story starts off,

set out because

the scripture

talks about

not marrying

a Canaanite woman.

Yeah.

And the reasons

for that was

because

in this context

and time,

the Canaanites

were not worshippers

of the only.

Yep.

So.

And what's

the application?

The application

is that

as single people,

we should only

be seeking out

relationships,

dating,

marriage,

with the fellow

Christians.

Absolutely.

No option.

Yep.

There's no compromise

on that.

Spot on.

Yeah.

That's really good.

It's a great Oya.

Yeah.

Next.

Tell me.

Um, yeah.

So,

when the man

was, like,

scoping out

the deal, I guess,

like,

he takes a lot

of attention.

Like, he doesn't

just, like,

wait for God

to do something.

He looks around,

he sees a girl,

and he does, like,

some evaluation.

Yep.

Like, is she generous?

And then after that,

she does a second screening.

Like, is she pretty?

Sure.

Like, it takes a lot

of thoughtfulness

on both men.

Absolutely.

Like,

like,

I have,

we were kind of confused

on, like,

the braces

and the ring and stuff,

and maybe it's, like,

a signal that

the families, like,

blow off.

Because then the guy was,

like,

here's a rock.

You wouldn't be able

to be, like,

this guy actually

giving you anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's a ring pop,

not a ring.

That's really good.

Thanks for sharing.

Next.

Yeah, Lena.

So, yeah.

So, Dylan's way out

that verse 21

says that the man

gave to her in silence

that whether the Lord

had prospered

his journey or not.

And this is after

he asked God

for a sign.

God basically gave

the sign,

but he was, like,

okay,

I'm just going to wait

a little bit

to make sure that

this is, you know,

this is actually.

And the other thing

is, like,

prayer was called

a lot.

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah.

And the obvious

application is that

we should be prayerful

in our dating

pursuit of marriage

for sure.

That's really good.

Jason?

Our group talked

about how,

just how many people

were involved in,

I guess,

the worship

between Isaac and Rebecca,

specifically their families.

Yeah.

So I think that kind

of reflects,

like, you should,

you talked about

involving your community

and both community

and both community

and both community

and you should trust

everything.

Absolutely.

That's really good.

Tony kind of touched

on it,

but I'm going to fully

try to explore it

more.

Sure.

Just Rebecca's

humbleness

to, like,

be able to come up

and be, like,

they don't know,

she doesn't know

who these people are,

but be able to offer

water to the camels

and then offer a place

with them to stay

and show just

sheer humility

in who she is

and how we should all

act.

No matter who it is

that might come

into our lives,

because God has a plan

for us.

Yeah.

That's really,

really good.

Yeah.

Any group that

hasn't gone?

Yes.

Anything you see

that hasn't been

shared already?

Yeah.

Verses 26 to 27,

the servant

keeps breaks.

Yeah.

I figured it shows

the person that

he found

and the eventual

marriage

is how it's

all a different

couple.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's really good.

Yeah.

It's related to what

Connor said,

but I think

there's something

to be said

that first he

noticed her

appearance

and then he

evaluated her

inner appearance

or inner

attractiveness,

I guess.

Yeah.

And so I think

that's just like

a good thing

that we should,

you know,

I guess kind of

both in a way.

Sure.

Because they're

both going to be

relevant to you

as you get

like a growing

relationship.

For sure.

Yeah.

That's good.

Any group that

hasn't gone?

Yeah.

You have the

toughest assignment.

We were talking

about how like

the servant's

prayer,

like asking God

for a sign.

It was really

bold because he

was putting God

to the test.

So I think

we were saying

that it could be

the same prayer

but it really

just depends

on the heart

posture.

Yeah.

Like one could

be like a genuine

like God

I need to sign

I need clarity

and then one

could be putting

God to the test.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's really good.

What would it

look like to put

God to the test?

Like that

situation.

I don't know

what you're saying

about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are there a couple

things that come

to mind?

I think if your

posture is that

I'm waiting for

a pie in the sky

message for this

girl's name to be

written in the

clouds for me to

go pursue her,

I think that is

representative of

a heart that's not

taking the

initiative.

I think you

guys are capturing

what I was trying

to see,

what I saw in the

passage where there

is a humble

dependence totally

on the Lord in

prayer,

but there's also

male-led initiative,

right?

That Abraham sends

his servant,

the servant goes and

seeks,

he runs,

right?

There's a lot of

running in this

passage.

God's eyes.

And so I think if

your position is

that I'm not going

to do anything

unless I receive

this certain sign

that's, you know,

this clear, then I

think that probably

represents a heart

that's not trusting

the Lord and testing

him instead.

That's really good.

So I'm going to share

my observations as

well and also

just share a little

bit of teaching as

well, just in my

own words.

You guys pretty much

covered every single

one of these,

right?

But number one is

to be selective

about who you

choose to marry,

which David nailed,

right?

Abraham advised

the servant very

clearly not to find

a wife from the

daughters of the

Canaanites,

lest he be drawn

away from the

promised land,

settle in a foreign

land, and ultimately

forfeit the promises

of God.

You see this kind

of warning consistently

throughout the Old

Testament, the warning

to Israel not to

marry idolaters,

lest they draw you

away to worship

false gods.

In the same way,

we should seek not

to be unequally

yoked with

unbelievers in

marriage.

And if that is a

current temptation

for you now,

I think part of

dating marriage

with an unbeliever

might seem

tolerable to you

is because you

might not have

actually played

that decision to

its full logical

conclusion.

You might not

have considered

what marriage

might look like

5, 10, 20

years down the

road.

So here are two

very real

possibilities.

Number one,

in order to

conform to the

unbeliever, you

need to push

Christ to the

margins of your

life in order to

keep peace at

home.

Slowly but surely

all things

spiritual, all

things related to

faith become

less and less

important to you.

You might not

actually reject

Christ altogether

explicitly, but

functionally your

life is really no

different from any

unbeliever.

you stop reading

your Bible,

attending small

groups, giving

to missionaries,

raising your kids

in the faith to

avoid isolating

your other spouse.

I think the

second possibility

is that let's say

you keep the

faith and you

stay involved in

the church, but

your spouse

refuses to

engage.

That will

naturally pull

you apart.

imagine going to

church alone,

never praying

together, never

sharing the load

and raising your

kids in the Lord,

facing tragedy as

a couple without

being able to

comfort one another

with the truths of

scripture.

If Christ is your

life, your whole

life, then marriage

with someone else

who doesn't share

that will likely

lead to then two

separate lives.

Neither of those

two realities are

desirable.

And if you're

single and you're

considering a

relationship with

an unbeliever, I

encourage you to

slow down to

think through these

things.

Men, don't seek to

be led astray by

getting unequally

yoked.

And women, if a

non-Christian

pursues you, don't

even give him the

time of day.

Don't even give him

an inch in your

mind.

Doesn't share an

ounce of what's

actually really,

really, really

important to you.

So number two, go

to the right

place to find a

spouse.

Abraham very

clearly sends his

servant to a

specific place to

find a wife.

He knows that the

servant searches

among Canaan.

He'll probably not

find someone from

his kindred.

I think we too

ought to look in

the right places

to find our

kindred.

All right, if I

want to find a

native Bostonian with

that thick accent,

the first place I

will obviously look

is Boston.

If you're looking

for someone to

marry, a good

Christian man or

woman, I think the

first place you

should naturally

look is the

church, the

family of God.

And so just a

brief word on

dating apps, because

it's such a relevant

cultural phenomenon

now.

I don't doubt that

dating apps can be a

means to find a

solid life partner.

There are godly

ways to go about it,

and I know

increasingly, I

know more and

more number of

marriages that

started on dating

websites.

But there are two

words of caution that

I wanted to share

about these apps.

Number one, surfing

these apps, I

think frankly,

plummets your

chance of finding a

solid, like-minded

Christian.

Anyone can put

anything on their

profile, and even

if they say that

they're Christian,

what does that

really mean for

them?

They can mean all

kinds of things,

and they could be

sitting under all

kinds of teaching.

And number two,

more importantly, I

think dating apps

create, they can

create the illusion

that there's always

someone else out

there.

There's someone

better out there.

You're not satisfied

with the direct

people that you

know, right?

And so you hop

online to peruse

what else is out

there.

But consumeristically

shopping for the

maximally optimal

guy or girl,

it doesn't seem to

be a healthy

pattern for

dating.

I'm sure that

there are eligible

men and women

out there, but

you might be

missing out on

what's directly in

front of you.

I think I'm

old-fashioned, but

I think there is

something to running

after God

wholeheartedly, and

from time to time

glancing over your

right shoulder, over

your left shoulder,

and just seeing

who's keeping up

with you, the

people directly in

your life, and

linking up with

them.

Number three, put

the onus on God.

We talked about

this.

Notice how much

the servant

prays, right?

Demonstrates how

much the servant

trusted in the Lord

to find a spouse

for Isaac.

that same kind of

dependence is needed

from us, too.

If you want to be

married, your first

instinct should be to

get on your knees

and to pray, to

pray for that kind

of blessing.

Does that peace

that surpasses

understanding control

your mind and your

conduct?

Do you try to

control everything

instead?

Making sure that

you always leave a

good impression to

anyone of the

opposite gender

just on the chance

that he or she

might be the one.

I used to operate

like that.

Are you always

anxious about

whether your dating

relationship might

or might not work

out towards marriage?

Put the onus on

God.

Every married

person has had

an arranged

marriage.

Some by their

family, but all

by the sovereign

God of the

universe.

the Lord

orchestrated every

detail of this

story in Genesis

24, and he's

going to do the

same for you.

Place that burden

right completely on

God.

Yeah.

I know you're

trying to.

Could you say

something?

Could you say

something that

really struck me

here?

It said, look

around, see who's

keeping up with

you.

Can you say a

little more about

that?

Yeah, I will.

Okay.

I will.

Yeah, I will.

Yeah, good

question.

And then if I

don't, if it

doesn't satisfy,

you could

definitely.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

Because we

just talked a

lot about

like being

observant and

communicating and

like taking

self-initiative.

Yep.

Like what

aspects of

the onus of

God, like,

are you

talking about?

Like how do

we, like what

are they and how

do we practice

it?

Yeah, I think

I'm going to get

to your question

as well.

If I don't, we

could follow up.

I don't think

putting the onus

on God means

that we don't

take any action,

right, which I'm

about to share.

So male-led

risk-taking

initiative, right?

It doesn't mean

that we just

passively twiddle

our thumbs, just

hoping that marriage

is going to plop

into our laps.

In this passage,

you see a male-led

risk-taking

initiative when

Abraham sends

his servant to

go and get

the girl.

To show this

fully from

scripture would

take more time

than we have,

but I believe

that the Bible

teaches that in

marriage, the

man leads and

the woman

submits.

Male headship is

the normative

pattern throughout

scripture, and so

I think those

roles should then

shape our dating

relationships as

well.

And generally, I

think that means

that the man

initiates dating.

That said, I

don't think it's

sinful to have a

woman ask a man

out.

Ruth boldly

initiates her

relationship with

Boaz, but such

examples, I think,

are the exception

rather than the

norm.

And Abraham and

the servant's

initiative involves

real effort and

real risk.

You read that in

the passage.

Abraham sends his

servant on the

quest with no

guarantee of

success.

He doesn't really

know how it's

going to all pan

out, right?

But he nonetheless

sends him, and the

servant nonetheless

acts, not knowing

fully how it's

going to turn

out.

I think then that

means that the

man shouldn't play

games with the

girl, flirting with

her, trying to get

her to reveal as

many cards in her

hand as possible.

The guy should

never selfishly

try to protect

himself by

minimizing the

chances of getting

rejected.

Leadership means

going first.

the man is the

first one to lay

his cards out on

the table, making

his intentions as

clear as possible,

making himself

vulnerable.

In verse 17, we

noted, the servant

is running.

He runs to her.

He makes the

first move.

So, to those who

are endlessly

discerning, praying

to God for this

miraculous sign, I

think we just have

to learn how to

take risks.

So, when you have

intentions, as soon

as possible, you

ought to make that

clear to the woman.

And if that sounds

scary, then this is

just what leadership

looks like.

I'm going to keep

going, but if I

didn't answer your

question, feel free to

hop on.

Actions speak louder

than words.

This is, of course,

true.

I don't think that

necessarily it's

prescriptive.

This passage is

prescriptive of how we

should be praying

for a wife, to be

like this specific.

But there is stuff

to observe on what

he actually prays

for.

Yes, Rebecca was

very attractive in

her appearance, but

the prayer didn't

focus on her

superficial appearance

or her earthly

status at all.

It was about her

character.

Notice, too, that

the servant doesn't

go really anywhere in

the city of Nahor,

but he goes

specifically to the

well where he

might find an

industrious, servant-minded

woman working.

Rebecca fits that

bill of a

generous,

industrious

Proverbs 31

wife.

She not only

serves the

servants by giving

them a drink

quickly without

suspicion or

hesitancy, but she

goes above and

beyond by giving

the camels a

drink as well.

And she quickly,

there's that word

again in verse

20, and she ran

again to draw

water.

I think you

kind of see what

kind of woman that

Rebecca is.

I do think that

physical attraction is

an important piece

in marriage that

Ren was talking

about, but I

think physical

attraction is much

more dynamic than

we tend to think.

It's not static,

me, just based on

only superficial

looks, but the

more we learn

about another

person, for

better or for

worse, it changes

our attraction to

that person,

right?

My point is that

godly character is

truly attractive.

Qualities like

hospitality,

generosity,

servant-minded

posture, grace,

love.

As we grow in

sanctification,

growing more and

more like the

Lord, our

desires are

increasingly shaped

by what Scripture

values.

That means more

than net worth,

more than physical

appearance, career

success, family

background, whatever,

we should ask

ourselves that

crucial diagnostic

question, is

godliness what I

find most

attractive?

Proverbs 3130

captures this

well, charm is

deceitful and

beauty is vain,

but a woman who

fears the Lord is

to be praised.

One other thing,

right, this is, I

think, really

interesting.

Compare and

contrast the two

characters, Rebecca

and Laban, in this

passage.

We see the

opportunistic, greedy

character in Laban

in verse 30, when it

says that as soon as

he saw the rings and

the bracelets, then

he acted, then he

went to the man.

I think it's a

foreshadowing of his

character.

You'll learn more

about him later on in

Genesis.

Laban sees those

things first and then

extends hospitality.

In contrast, there's no

indication that Rebecca

paid any attention to

those things.

She is really not

motivated by money, but

she's served because

that's who she is.

That's the kind of

person that we should

strive to be and to

look for.

And the last one is,

you're marrying a

sinner and I'm cheating

on this one, just

because I'm drawing on

another chapter.

But I think it's an

important point to

make.

In Genesis 24, Rebecca

is this perfect maiden.

She doesn't have a

single flaw.

She's attractive,

industrious, bold.

There's not a single

flaw.

But three chapters later,

when Jacob steals

Esau's blessing, who's

at the helm of leading

that scheme?

It's Rebecca.

This once perfect,

beautiful maiden is now

actively trying to scheme

her old blind husband

to give his blessing to

her favorite child and

not his.

My point is that you

can try to find the

most perfect person on

paper.

And he or she might

look like that at first,

but just three chapters

later, you'll find that

this person is a

bona fide sinner.

When Christine and I

started dating, I

thought this girl was

perfect.

She was flawless.

She could do no wrong.

That feeling has not

stayed with me in

marriage.

Not because Christine is

especially bad or

anything, but that she's

just a broken sinner like

me, like all of us.

Don't worry, I asked

Christine if I could share

that and she said only

on the condition that I

share that when we are

dating, she already knew

that I was a great

sinner.

And that in marriage, I

was an even greater

sinner.

So when you date, go and

try to find a godly

person, but never assume

that that will

automatically translate to

an easy marriage.

marriage.

Related to that, I

challenge really any

notion, language,

vocabulary of soulmates,

just because I think the

idea makes it sound like

you, once you find the

one, right, then you just

automatically, easily go

skipping off in the

sunset.

I think nothing is

further from the truth.

The marriage of two

sinners is work.

It's hard work.

And you have to be

willing to invest in your

marriage day after day,

brick after brick, lay the

foundation of your

marriage.

Man, we are short on

time, huh?

I'm going to just keep

going.

Sorry, if you guys need to

use the bathroom, feel

free to go.

It's right out these

doors, but for the sake

of time, I'm just going to

keep pressing forward.

I was going to take a

break and give books

away, too.

Let's just do the book

giveaway now.

I have three books.

Three books.

Two of these books were

recommended by Bob

Coughlin through Brittany.

There are two solid

books on dating.

If you want either one of

them, feel free to raise

your hand.

Dating.

Yes.

Yes.

There you go.

And I have seven myths

of seven myths about

singleness.

Yes.

Okay.

All right.

Can you pass this back?

By Sam Albury.

Again, such a

faithful example of what

a single man can do for

the kingdom of God.

For the sake of time,

let's keep going more to

the practicalities of

dating.

I think typically a lot of

dating relationships begin

with friendship.

Guys should gaze and

learn about this girl's

character and reputation

from a distance.

Just like the servant,

right?

We just read, I think

someone said that in

verse 21.

Group hangouts, I think,

are a helpful way to do

that.

And again, if there is

interest, the guy should

ask the girl on a date.

Not a hangout.

Not a catch up.

If you have interest,

just be open and honest

and ask her on a date.

To the girls in the room,

if a godly man with a good

reputation in the church

asks you out on a date,

I do generally think that

you should try to give him

a date or two.

You're not obligated to say

yes by any means.

You owe him nothing.

But to reject him on the

spot, I think it assumes

that you have comprehensive

knowledge about who he is.

Consider, too, that God

wired guys and girls

differently as well.

Guys tend to flare up in

interest very, very quickly.

But that for girls,

interest tends to grow

slower over time.

I'm sure you've heard of

stories about women who

initially didn't see their

husbands in that light.

But over time, that

interest grew.

That's a general

recommendation.

But again, I do not, I

want you to know you have

no obligation to say yes

to him.

But I do want you to know

that it is just one date.

Guys, the bar is not that

you are head over heels in

love with this girl, asking

her to marry you.

Girls, he is not head over

heels in love with you,

asking you to marry him.

Christians, I think, try to

take dating very intentionally

and try not to casually date,

which I think is a good

instinct, good motivation.

But I think they can swing

too far the other direction

and exaggerate the meaning

of one date.

I generally think we can

appropriately lower

expectations for what a date

means.

After all, if you're, and if

after going out on a date, you

realize you guys are not going

to work out, it's really not a

big deal.

It's not the end of the world.

And so if you guys end up not

working out, then I encourage

you guys to seek to handle

that in maturity.

The key verse in all this is

Romans 12, 10,

Outdo one another in showing

honor.

Resist the temptation to gossip

and only speak highly about the

other person.

I've sometimes heard that people

are scared to date within the

church context out of the fear

of the messiness of breaking up.

I think there is some validity

to that concern.

But if we generally carry

ourselves with Christ-like love

and maturity, I don't think

that that should outright prevent

us from dating within the

church.

But it should sober us, right?

Sober us to treat one another

with love, respect, and kindness.

Let's continue to follow a

growing relationship.

So you guys follow, you guys go

on a few dates.

Here I make a distinction between

going on dates.

And being in a dating

relationship.

I do think that you have to make

that transition clear from the

former to the latter with, again,

the guy initiating and leading.

Clearly and openly setting

expectations for the dating

relationship.

So if you guys are both officially

in the dating phase, once again,

the goal should be that you are

aiming to answer this one simple

question.

Are we going to get married?

All right.

That's the main question you're

trying to answer is always pressing

forward on clarity on that question

over intimacy.

Yes is a good answer.

No is a good answer.

An indefinite, lengthy maybe is not a

good answer.

That doesn't mean that you need to

know whether you're going to marry

them within three weeks, three months,

but you should be making real progress

towards that question.

And in your dating, try to determine

your compatibility with these things

that I call the 7S.

As you progress in your dating,

your relationship will look different

from the 5th date to the 15th date

to the 50th.

And your conversations will naturally

progress from surface level

to more intimate details.

And so I try to order these in,

try to order these in terms of the

progression of a natural dating

relationship.

Right?

So first one is fun.

See if you guys have fun with one

another.

Right?

Do you talk well with one another?

99% of your marriage will be just

talking.

Does the conversation flow or does it

feel like you're talking to the wall?

If your enjoyment of one another

isn't growing over time, then I think

it probably makes sense to call it

quits.

Two, future.

What are your future goals?

What are your career goals?

What are your ministry goals?

If one of you guys wants to go in

full-time ministry, even full-time

missions work, and the other for the

life of them cannot be open to that

life, then why keep dating?

You have an answer.

You have clarity on that simple

question of are we going to get

married?

Three, faith.

What do you believe about everything?

Some topics include gender roles in

church and marriage, spiritual gifts,

doctrines of grace, baby baptism.

If you guys are completely on the

opposite ends of the spectrum

theologically, you have to imagine

that that would create some kind of

conflict in your future marriage.

If you believe in baby baptism and your

boyfriend doesn't, what are you going to

do?

Are you going to split the difference and

baptize half the baby?

What are you going to do if you pray in

tongues and your girlfriend thinks it's

totally, total gobbledygook?

These are the issues that you need to

understand sooner rather than later.

I think politics and your political

stance also would be an appropriate

place to talk about these things.

Number four, finances.

How do you manage your finances?

What kind of lifestyle do you expect?

Are you expecting a luxury car or are you

content with a beat-up junker?

Be honest about these things.

How much do you want to tithe?

How important is giving for you?

And then who manages the finances?

Number five, family.

What do you envision your future family

to look like?

Number of kids, whether you're open to

adoption.

And if you're going to have kids, then

who's going to be taking care of the

kids, right?

What's the plan for that?

I think this is also an important

point.

What was your family like growing up?

What models of marriage have you seen

in your life?

Perhaps more than you know, your

parents' marriage can have a real

heavy influence on your marriage.

Because those are the things you

learn from.

Fighting.

How do you resolve a conflict?

Are you a rager?

Or are you a brooder?

You guys know what I mean by that?

Share examples of how you resolve

conflict in the past with others.

But beyond sharing examples,

I generally recommend,

though it's not required,

that couples date long enough

to experience conflict.

I think it helps to move past the

honeymoon stage and to get to the

real stuff.

For some couples, that happens quickly.

For others, it takes some time.

Conflict itself is not a sign that you

shouldn't get married.

A healthy marriage isn't marked by the

absence of conflict, but by handling

conflict well.

So learning to fight well, to resolve

issues in a healthy way, is a strong

habit, strong pattern to get into as you

go into marriage.

Last one is flaws.

There's a reason why I put this last.

This is where the most personal,

intimate details of your failures,

foolishness, your fears should come out.

Remember, in dating, there is no ring.

There is absolute freedom for either

party.

They have 100% liberty to pull out of that

relationship at any point.

So be wise about sharing the most

personal stuff that you have.

Wait to see if that relationship is

growing and share more towards where

there's trust and feel like it is

actually heading towards marriage.

And ultimately, before you get engaged,

the goal is that you shouldn't hold

back anything, even the most painful

memories, even your most regretful

choices.

You don't need to share in fine detail,

but you do need to share so that the

other person has a full picture of what

he or she is signing up for.

All throughout that process, again, we

already talked about this, is involve the

church.

If you think about it, hardly anything in

this life comes with a lifelong

commitment-like marriage.

I can almost guarantee for most of you

guys, you will move to another city.

You will find another church.

You will work another job.

You will find different friends.

But you can never break the vow of

marriage that you make with your

spouse.

Through sickness or health, for richer or

for poorer, you are committed to this

person.

This one decision is, frankly, one of the

most important decisions you will ever

make in your life.

Because your marriage will absolutely

change you.

That can be scary then, right?

To choosing a spouse.

When we think about the massive implications

of the decision that we make, it's kind of

scary.

What is so reassuring is that we don't have to

choose a spouse on our own.

Our trusted brothers and sisters, our mentors

and pastors and disciples at church, our

parents and siblings, they can all speak into

your life, counsel you with their aged,

experienced perspective, and model what a

godly marriage and family can look like.

So seek their feedback.

Ask good questions.

Pursue purity and godliness.

There's not a single thing that you can do

that will make your relationship more

messy, stressful, confused, or shameful

than to cross physical boundaries that are

only meant for the commitment of marriage.

The men, again, should be the ones to set

clear boundaries and keep them.

In dating, the woman is looking to see if

in your leadership you are a man of

integrity, if you are a man of your word.

Do you say one thing and do a completely

different other thing?

Are you trustworthy?

The women should be the ones to follow the

man's leadership.

In dating, the man is looking to see if you

follow and submit to his leadership well.

I've heard this argument from some guys

before, right?

You need to test drive the car before you

decide to buy it, right?

Shouldn't we explore our physical

compatibility before I put a ring on it?

I think that analogy is actually very

illuminating.

Who is the car in that scenario?

Is sex with a precious man or woman made in

the image of God something as casual as

going to the car dealership and test

driving a car?

Is that kind of language really what you

want to hear from a future spouse, someone

who's supposed to honor and respect you?

So glorify God altogether in your

relationship by pursuing purity.

Set clear boundaries, not to do anything

that would be arousing or tempting for one

another.

Examples of boundaries could be committing not

to spend one-on-one time together in private,

no closed doors, especially late at night.

If you are snuggling on the couch at 11 p.m.