How to Fight Fair

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to First One's Day Prayer.

[SPEAKER_00]: You guys can have a seat.

[SPEAKER_00]: I love that song because everything that we're going to be talking about tonight is built on the foundation of Jesus.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because we can learn how to...

[SPEAKER_00]: have good relationships with our wives, our spouses, our kids and everybody, but if we don't have the foundation of Jesus to look at, if we don't have his word, it's just self-help stuff, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we're really gonna get into that.

[SPEAKER_00]: So good evening, my name's Perry.

[SPEAKER_00]: If any of you have not been to prayer night, welcome.

[SPEAKER_00]: Tonight, what we do is we do a small teaching,

[SPEAKER_00]: that I'll get into in a minute and then we're going to get into praying together.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if it's your first time, we've been in a series on relationships relating to the home.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the reason we do that, the reason we talk about the home is because that's what's being attacked in our nation, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: The home is the microcosm, and even in Ephesians 5, when Paul is talking about marriage, he said, it's a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ in his church.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we're going to be looking at that.

[SPEAKER_00]: So tonight,

[SPEAKER_00]: We're continuing talking about relationships and the family.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to be talking about how to fight fair.

[SPEAKER_00]: How did I get this topic, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Professor Johns, like, hey, I'm going to be out of town.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to have you teach on how to fight fair.

[SPEAKER_00]: Healthy, conflict.

[SPEAKER_00]: But to kick us off, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If there is a such thing as fighting fair, a fundamental truth and any conflict with someone in your life is that you have to be able to admit that you're wrong every once in a while, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: You have to admit, every once in a while you have to say you were right, baby.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're married, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: You have to say that.

[SPEAKER_00]: In my wife, Beth, she is right 99.999999% of the time.

[SPEAKER_00]: She really is.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not just saying that to be Joe for she really is right.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I always have to humble myself and say you are right, baby.

[SPEAKER_00]: But there was this one time.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it was actually April of 2013.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we were on a plane, and she admitted that I was right.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I couldn't believe it.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I asked her, I said, can you say it again?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I got it on film.

[SPEAKER_00]: In case you don't believe me.

[SPEAKER_00]: You were right, baby.

[SPEAKER_00]: You all have it.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's on film.

[SPEAKER_00]: You can't re-nig.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, um,

[SPEAKER_00]: So guys, there's hope, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Just keep trucking, we've been married 22 years.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think we've been married, actually that was 10 years.

[SPEAKER_00]: Was that a 10 year anniversary?

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe that's why she did it.

[SPEAKER_00]: But anyway, but seriously, tonight's topic is fighting fair.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have these little sheets that are on your chairs.

[SPEAKER_00]: I put them every other seat, so just grab one if you need some more, they're in the back.

[SPEAKER_00]: But we're gonna be filling this out tonight because you're gonna need it after tonight.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's gonna be a time in the next week or two,

[SPEAKER_00]: Where you're going to have some kind of conflict with your spouse or your mom or your dad or your kids and you're going to want to pull this out because we're going to look at God's word and see what it says and just give some practical tips on how to fight fair.

[SPEAKER_00]: Before jumping in the God's word, we're going to be in Colossians 3 so if you want to go ahead and turn there but before we do that whenever you know usually.

[SPEAKER_00]: We preach exogetical.

[SPEAKER_00]: That just means that exposition, that means that we preach through books of the Bible on Sundays, and we do that, so we can't skip over the hard things, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't do a lot of topical preaching here, but Wednesday night, first Wednesday's does provide us a time to kind of talk on more of a topical standpoint, and it's all biblical, but where we can really address things like the family, like relationships, like our marriages, and our relationships with our kids, and our brothers and sisters in Christ.

[SPEAKER_00]: But this just this I want to give a couple of definitions since we're doing topical to make sure that when I say fight we all have the same definition we're thinking of and when we say fair we all have the same definition that we're thinking of and so I want to just read it's going to be on the screen, but I just want to look at a definition or two of fight what does fight mean what do we mean we say fight you like the peri but listen to this it's good to look at definitions.

[SPEAKER_00]: to contend in battle or physical combat, especially to strive to overcome a person by blows or weapons, outsh.

[SPEAKER_00]: Also, another definition.

[SPEAKER_00]: to attempt to prevent the success or the effectiveness of another.

[SPEAKER_00]: Think about that for a minute, that's what fighting is.

[SPEAKER_00]: To attempt to prevent the success or effectiveness of another.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then the word fair, fight fair, what does fair mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: Fair is marked by impartiality and honesty.

[SPEAKER_00]: Free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism.

[SPEAKER_00]: So here's the question, how can you attempt to prevent the success of another person while also being impartial and free from self-interest and prejudice?

[SPEAKER_00]: You can't.

[SPEAKER_00]: So fighting fair is actually a oxymoron.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was a trick to get y'all here, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: You see, when it comes to fighting, you're either fighting against someone or something or you're fighting for them or for it.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to start in verse 12.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to read this passage and it's going to go through some practical things that I've learned over the years and I've talked with my wife and talk to friends and just things that just in marriage counseling and things in ministry I've seen but just to kind of create the foundation before we talk about how to have healthy conflict and before we talk about those things how should just Christians in general how should we treat one another before we get deep into the marriage and into parenting and into friendships.

[SPEAKER_00]: What does it mean to have healthy, biblical relationships?

[SPEAKER_00]: And so Paul says that in Colossians and Colossians in three, he's really talking about putting on the new self.

[SPEAKER_00]: When you are saved and you're adopted into the body of Christ, and you are now a part, and now all those people, even those people that drive you crazy, the person that sings weird next to you, and the person that raises their hand, it goes crazy, and you're like, I can't see or whatever, the person that sings too loud, whatever in church,

[SPEAKER_00]: person that drives you crazy, all of us, where brothers and sisters in Christ, where adopted and it's his family.

[SPEAKER_00]: So Paul says, we need to put on the new self, that means we need to take off some old things in our lives.

[SPEAKER_00]: But then look at verse 12, he says, I want you to put on some things.

[SPEAKER_00]: He says, put on then as God's chosen one.

[SPEAKER_00]: So he's talking about the body of Christ.

[SPEAKER_00]: Holy and beloved, put on compassionate hearts, kindness.

[SPEAKER_00]: humility, meekness, patience, bearing with one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: Why is you say bearing with one other?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because sometimes we don't agree.

[SPEAKER_00]: We have to bear with one another, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And if one has a complaint against another for giving one another, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I love this.

[SPEAKER_00]: And above all, these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

[SPEAKER_00]: interesting language and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which indeed you were called into everybody say the next two words one body one body if you have a highlighter highlighted circulate he calls us to be in one by then he says and be thankful let the word of Christ dwell richly teaching and in monitoring one another if you ever want to do a cool study in the Bible just look at how many times it says one another especially in any testament it's fascinating.

[SPEAKER_00]: And always them, singing songs and hymns and spiritual songs with thanksgiving in your hearts to God.

[SPEAKER_00]: And whatever you do in Word, your speech, and all your speech and everything that you say to one another, and indeed, that your actions, so your speech and your actions, whatever you do in Word and deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we see here in Colossians this passage along with several other passages.

[SPEAKER_00]: My wife and I was talking about this this morning, I think she's doing our study in all of Paul's epistles and we're just like really they all say in the same thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like a lot of them if you really look through it, it's all saying the same thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: I believe like first Corinthians 12, one body many parts.

[SPEAKER_00]: many different gifts, which means we're very different, which means there's going to be conflict, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to think differently.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to disagree with things where we're one body.

[SPEAKER_00]: Then in Ephesians, I mean, 1 Corinthians 13, the next chapter is the love chapter, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Love is patient, love is kind, love is not boasted, there's not envy.

[SPEAKER_00]: It bears things, it endures all things, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Even in conflict, Ephesians 5, it's a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ in the church.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's talking about the union between two lovers, but then it's talking about the body of Christ.

[SPEAKER_00]: And in Romans 12, again, kind of mirrors, first Corinthians 12, it talks about one body, many parts, many differences, but we're all coming together for a unified goal.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I want to share four ways tonight to fight.

[SPEAKER_00]: in your Christian relationships, four ways that we fight and number one really goes to what I've been alluding to, but we fight for one another, not against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: Four one another, not against one another, in the definition that I said we're not fighting against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: I preach actually on spiritual warfare back in May and I expand on this point, but let me paraphrase tonight and keep

[SPEAKER_00]: And this is what I want us to hear.

[SPEAKER_00]: Your spouse, your parents, your kids, your Christian friends, your siblings, are not the enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna say that again.

[SPEAKER_00]: Your spouse, your parents, your kids, your Christian friends, your siblings, are not the enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are on the same team.

[SPEAKER_00]: Why do I say that?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because the enemy is the enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Whenever someone is in a fight, they're fighting each other.

[SPEAKER_00]: That means that one person wins in one person loses.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if one person loses in a relationship, the relationship loses.

[SPEAKER_00]: So instead of fighting one another, fight together.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is foundational for every point, every other point that I go through.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is foundational.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you can't get this, that you're on the same team.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're in a marriage, that's struggling right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you're in a lot of fighting.

[SPEAKER_00]: You have to understand that your spouse is not the enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: You have an enemy, and if you can start to think through, they're not the enemy, the enemy is the enemy, and so we're going to work together instead of against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: We fight four one another, not against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: And also, you can't fight a spirit with the same spirit.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're all in mean by that.

[SPEAKER_00]: You can't fight a spirit of anger, with more anger.

[SPEAKER_00]: You can't fight a spirit of fear.

[SPEAKER_00]: with more fear, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just, they're more dominant, so I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna speak my mind.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just gonna give up, I'm just gonna let them dominate over me, no.

[SPEAKER_00]: You fight a spirit with the opposite spirit.

[SPEAKER_00]: What is the spirit of God?

[SPEAKER_00]: The fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

[SPEAKER_00]: In Luke 11,

[SPEAKER_00]: The religious leaders were Jesus was delivering some people from demons.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the religious leaders, the Pharisees, they were like all upset and they were thinking, they were not even saying it out loud, they were thinking, Jesus, this, this guy, Jesus, he's cast it out demons because he has a demon.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this is how Jesus responds to him in verse 17 of Luke 11.

[SPEAKER_00]: He says, but knowing their thoughts, he said to them, every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste and a divided household will fall.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's very logical and it really translates even to all of our relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: He's this argument to the religious leaders was super logical.

[SPEAKER_00]: He said a household full of infighting will tear itself apart.

[SPEAKER_00]: Here's a good question for us to just answer in our heart in your house.

[SPEAKER_00]: Do you fight one another or do you fight together?

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, foundational for everything else we're going to talk about.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we fight for one another, not against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: Number two, we need to fight to understand not to be understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: Fight to understand not to be understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: Think about this real practically again.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a super practical guy, just that's the way I think.

[SPEAKER_00]: But if both parties were fighting to understand one another,

[SPEAKER_00]: instead of being understood, imagine the difference in that conversation.

[SPEAKER_00]: What will happen is what comes out of your mouth, remember we just read that whatever comes out of your mouth and speech and indeed be glorifying to God, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If we both, if both parties, whether you're married, whether it's a friend, it's a brother's system, Christwitz, your parents, whether you're kids, if you're both seeking to understand one another, what comes out of your mouth will be good questions instead of hurtful comments.

[SPEAKER_00]: But if you're fighting to be understood, you're gonna be making sure that you do everything you can for that person to understand you and then it's inward focus and you're gonna be on different pages.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we seek to understand not to be understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: There is a time to make true statements if someone, if your spouse is believing a lie, or if they're in sin, there are times to do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: But if you don't understand where they're coming from, you don't ask great questions, you can misdiagnose and even use scripture wrong in that situation.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of like this.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is the example that I'll use.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of like going to the doctor because you broke your arm and it's hurting really bad.

[SPEAKER_00]: You go to the doctor and when you walk in his office, you sneeze, any prescribes you in any histamine.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you're like, you didn't even ask any questions.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, yeah, I have some sign, this is maybe I do need any histamine, but that's not why I came in.

[SPEAKER_00]: I came in because my arm is broke.

[SPEAKER_00]: You didn't ask me any questions and how many times do we do that with the people we love?

[SPEAKER_00]: We hear things, we see symptoms, they sneeze or something happens and we start diagnosing what we think is wrong instead of asking great questions and seeking to understand where they're coming from.

[SPEAKER_00]: It really context matters and so this is hard, I'm being cheeky and fun but these things I'm talking about, it's easy to talk about but it's not easy to do especially when you're in disagreement and you're trying to figure out what the other person's what they mean by that.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, seeking to be understood is all about you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Seeking to understand is all about the other person.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's humility and that's servant leadership.

[SPEAKER_00]: By the way, here's something real practical.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'll just throw out there.

[SPEAKER_00]: When you're in a conflict with your spouse, especially or with your kids, or with your parents, or with some friends, don't use these two words, always and never.

[SPEAKER_00]: You always, you never, that's, that's never good.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so, don't use those words, because is that really true?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do they always, do they never, don't use those words?

[SPEAKER_00]: That's, we want to seek to understand what's going on.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, we fight for one another, not against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: We fight to understand, not be understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: Third, we fight for resolution, not retaliation.

[SPEAKER_00]: retaliation is getting back, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: You hurt me with that statement.

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I can one up you.

[SPEAKER_00]: What about the time you?

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you're going to bring that up?

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what about when you never, you always and then the argument starts?

[SPEAKER_00]: That's retaliation.

[SPEAKER_00]: But when you fight four or one another, instead of against one another, now the goal should be a mutual resolution.

[SPEAKER_00]: What are we trying to accomplish in this conversation right now?

[SPEAKER_00]: What is the goal?

[SPEAKER_00]: What's the resolution, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're together on the same team, what's the goal?

[SPEAKER_00]: It's the win the game, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a beat the opponent, not each other.

[SPEAKER_00]: But a lot of times, I know in my life when I'm getting an argument with Beth or what the kids or whatever, and I'm just like,

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just trying to like one up like well, you said this but what about the time you did this and I'm trying to be understood and said I understand But a lot of times when we can stop for a minute and say what do we try to accomplish?

[SPEAKER_00]: What's going on like what's what's the question behind the question?

[SPEAKER_00]: What what are we trying to accomplish when we're fighting Four one another instead of against one another now the ultimate win is coming to a resolution not retaliating against one another It's so important for us to do that so in your marriage your relationships with your kids

[SPEAKER_00]: or with others, do your fights usually and well.

[SPEAKER_00]: See, when fighting someone, fighting against someone, this is how it usually ends.

[SPEAKER_00]: It usually ends with someone getting knocked out or giving up.

[SPEAKER_00]: So in your marriage and your relationships with your kids, your parents, do your fights usually end up with someone giving up?

[SPEAKER_00]: Or worse yet, when someone's finally beat down,

[SPEAKER_00]: But when the fight isn't against one another, before one another, the fight moves from fighting to win to wrestling, to come to a good wrestling.

[SPEAKER_00]: Look, iron sharpens iron.

[SPEAKER_00]: I know we talk about that with men, but it's true, like with everybody, disciples of Jesus.

[SPEAKER_00]: Iron sharpens iron, but that never happens without friction.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm not saying it's never gonna be friction.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're gonna be, but a good question to ask is, what are we trying to accomplish?

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's stop for a minute, we're getting heated, we're raising our voices, what are we trying to accomplish?

[SPEAKER_00]: So we fight one another, not against one another.

[SPEAKER_00]: We four one another, not against one other.

[SPEAKER_00]: We fight to understand not to be understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: We fight for resolution, not retaliation.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this final one is my favorite, because it takes us on the offense instead of the defense.

[SPEAKER_00]: I like offense better than defense.

[SPEAKER_00]: How many of y'all like offense better than defense?

[SPEAKER_00]: Offence is way better.

[SPEAKER_00]: We fight to preserve our principles, not to prove our point.

[SPEAKER_00]: How many times don't raise your hand and don't elbow your spouse, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: How many times you get in the fight in your goal is to prove your point?

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, we can all relate to that, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to have your raise your hand.

[SPEAKER_00]: How many of y'all have ever tried to prove your point in an argument?

[SPEAKER_00]: OK, I'm not alone, all right.

[SPEAKER_00]: Preserve your principles.

[SPEAKER_00]: What do I mean by preserve your principles?

[SPEAKER_00]: I think an offensive way for families, and I'm going to talk to the men and especially in a minute, but I think it's important for families to have biblical principles or values that you go ahead and establish before the conflict arises.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let me give you an example.

[SPEAKER_00]: One of our values, or one of our biblical principles in our marriage, is margin.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's just one of our Beth and I, just we've established that early on in May, just kind of become a theme and our finances and our time management and how we use our time.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so let me give a good example.

[SPEAKER_00]: We want to have margin and our finances.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so I might say, you know, babe, I saw this new Toyota Tundra on the corner right here and I want to buy this new truck.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's like, you don't need a new truck, you have a nice car, and we start arguing, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And so, I'm not saying it's really happened, I'm just saying, hypothetically.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so, we're arguing, and so we can get really upset, and I could be like, well, I've been waiting.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've been working for 25 years, I've always wanted to truck, and we can afford it, and why can't I get one?

[SPEAKER_00]: And she's like, no, I don't think we need it.

[SPEAKER_00]: But we can argue back and forth, but what if we stopped, and Beth said, hey, one of our values is margin.

[SPEAKER_00]: How is this going to help us or hurt us when it comes to margin and finances?

[SPEAKER_00]: You see what I mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: We've already established this.

[SPEAKER_00]: Another one, like our kids, we are letting them do these sports, we're letting them do this music thing, and we're doing all these things, and then we're like, we want to have marginal and our home.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to be running frantic all the time, always doing things where we're never sitting down as a family and having a meal together.

[SPEAKER_00]: or we have to mischurch or whatever and so we want margin our schedule and so we don't want to spend all of our time serving other people where we don't serve our own family and we don't learn how to be with one another and so since that is a value we might get an argument about or we might have a disagreement about whether the kids should do this thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: And instead of getting an argument, we can stop and say, what's the resolution?

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, what are we trying to accomplish?

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, one of our biblical principles, or one of our values is margin.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we want to think about how, if we let the kids do this other thing, how is that going to affect our margin?

[SPEAKER_00]: And so it helps us to make decisions.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have, if you email me, I'll send us to you, but I have some personal values.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to go through all of them.

[SPEAKER_00]: But let me just kind of share with you some of these and you can kind of think about how this would work.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I challenged your homework tonight, would be to go to your families, and if you're single, do this yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: But go and just start one of ours is stewardship.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was Stewart well, both the small things entrusted to me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the questions I put is, am I multiplying or wasting what God has entrusted to me?

[SPEAKER_00]: So stewardship's a big, big value of mine.

[SPEAKER_00]: So when I'm talking to the kids about cleaning their room,

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not just getting max, they don't clean their room.

[SPEAKER_00]: We want to use this as a teaching moment to say, hey, stewardship, God's giving you this room, keep it clean, be a good steward, because this is going to play out the rest of your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: I heard an executive pastor say this one time, and I'm executive pastor saw love it.

[SPEAKER_00]: He said, he said, why would God they were building a new building?

[SPEAKER_00]: Like we are, which is, and he said,

[SPEAKER_00]: He said, I keep my car really clean and I take care of my car and because God one time I feel like the Lord told him, if you can't steward a $14,000 car, how you steward a $14 million building.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so when I'm talking to my kids about the value of stewardship, it's a whole different conversation then, clean your room.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a mess, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Whole different conversation.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying I'm perfect at it.

[SPEAKER_00]: My life will agree.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's like clean it up, because that's it's so, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: But you have values, you know?

[SPEAKER_00]: Another one, honor.

[SPEAKER_00]: I will honor those above and under my authority.

[SPEAKER_00]: and influence.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to honor, not just the people above my authority, I want to honor those below my authority.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so that changes when I get into an argument or I'm walking through something with a staff member, I can talk about that value and say, hey, we don't just honor those above us like they're below you, but we're going to honor them.

[SPEAKER_00]: How does that look?

[SPEAKER_00]: Did you honor that person when you said that or whatever?

[SPEAKER_00]: So when you have these values and you get in conflict with brothers and sisters, with your parents, with other believers, and you have

[SPEAKER_00]: When conflict arises, you can move to resolution by talking about what those values are.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let me end by talking to the men for a minute in here, because this applies to all of us.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I just want to talk to the men, because we're going to get to this.

[SPEAKER_00]: John's going to talk about the role of men and women in the church and the home.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going there.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I just want to talk to the men for a minute when it comes to this.

[SPEAKER_00]: I believe that there's too many men that are being passive in the home.

[SPEAKER_00]: They kill themselves at work.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're awesome at work.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're doing great and they come home and they check out.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not fussing in anybody, I do the same thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I think there's a statement in leadership world.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's leaders eat last.

[SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever heard that?

[SPEAKER_00]: It's like a servant leadership kind of notion.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I like that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Leaders eat laugh.

[SPEAKER_00]: When it comes to serving people, leaders let other people eat first, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: but I don't like that statement when it comes to leadership because I believe leaders go first.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so men, you are the spiritual leaders of your home, whether you feel like you meet that criteria or not.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are by God's design, the spiritual leader of your home.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so this is what I want to say to the men, lead first and all these points.

[SPEAKER_00]: Men, you're the leaders in your home.

[SPEAKER_00]: So when it comes to leading and protecting you go first and all of these points.

[SPEAKER_00]: Men don't fight their wives, kids, siblings, and those they lead.

[SPEAKER_00]: They rally them against the real enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: They protect them from the real enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: They bring them into prayer.

[SPEAKER_00]: They teach how to fight the enemy, not each other.

[SPEAKER_00]: They get them all in the same page and they give a rally cry to what we're fighting for.

[SPEAKER_00]: They fight for those they lead, not against them.

[SPEAKER_00]: Also, leaders don't want about not being understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever met an awesome leader that's always wanting about nobody understands me?

[SPEAKER_00]: I've never met a great leader that I aspire to.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's like, always like, nobody understands me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Men seek to understand, not to be understood.

[SPEAKER_00]: Men do that, leaders do that.

[SPEAKER_00]: They diagnose the real problem and they fight for resolution.

[SPEAKER_00]: Leaders don't waste their time retaliating.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's defense.

[SPEAKER_00]: They go on the offense and they have biblical principles that they live by.

[SPEAKER_00]: Men should be the first to forgive the first to say I'm sorry, the first to turn to scripture and truth in the middle of conflicts instead of letting their feelings guide their moods and their actions.

[SPEAKER_00]: And lastly, they're the first to recognize who the real enemy is and protect their families from the enemy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Men we lead first.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's a challenge I have for you guys.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're single, don't wait.

[SPEAKER_00]: come up with your biblical principles.

[SPEAKER_00]: Come up with your non-negotiables.

[SPEAKER_00]: It might help you find a spouse, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Bring it on a date, talk about those things.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if they go, this is weird.

[SPEAKER_00]: Say, bye-bye.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If they don't want to talk about biblical principles and non-negotiables, that tells you all you really need to know.

[SPEAKER_00]: students do the same.

[SPEAKER_00]: Take some time to go, what are my non-negotiables going to be?

[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of waiting until you're under peer pressure or you're under conflict, go ahead and establish these are my non-negotiables.

[SPEAKER_00]: When this happens, you know it's going to happen in school, you know it's going to happen when you're on the phone with your friend or your texting, you know those things that are going to happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: Go ahead and establish now.

[SPEAKER_00]: What does the word of God say, this is how I'm going to respond?

[SPEAKER_00]: And just think about this, if all of us did that, and just in this room, if we decided to do these things and come up with biblical principles and start fighting for one another, not against a, imagine what will happen, not just in this room, but imagine a generational impact that would have on our kids and our grandkids.

[SPEAKER_00]: You see, in any relationship, there will be disagreements.

[SPEAKER_00]: They'll be conflict, but we must recognize in those moments that we are one body.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're on the same team, and we have a common goal.

[SPEAKER_00]: Look back at Colossians 3, verse 23.

Colossians 3:23

[SPEAKER_00]: Whatever you do.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, that means when you're in conflict too that includes that work hardly as for the Lord not for men knowing that from the Lord You will receive the inheritance as your reward you are serving the Lord Jesus Christ So when it's hard and you're like this is not easy serve the Lord serve the Lord So we fight for one another not against one another

[SPEAKER_00]: fight to understand not to be understood, fight for resolution, not retaliation, and fight to preserve your principles, not prove your points.

[SPEAKER_00]: Why don't you bow your heads with me for a minute?