Parent Workshop 2023: Students and Mental Health

Glad y'all are here.

I'm sure more parents will come in.

I think they're getting stuck and they're talking, but we want to honor your time because you're here.

And so we want to start.

And I'm going to let each of the therapists, counselors, introduce themselves just real briefly.

And then we have a bunch of questions.

And then we'll do some QA at the end.

And our goal is to end at about 7:40, 7:45.

And anybody who wants to join us, we're going to go to the student chapel sing a couple songs with the students just to close.

So that's kind of the game plan.

We did this last year.

It was really good.

I think it was great.

Last year it was great.

If you're a parent, but it was also great if you're not a parent.

I think you know material on anxiety and mental health is good for all of us.

And so I think it applies to all of us, even though a lot of the conversation will direct towards parenting and children, but at the same time, I think it um fits us all.

I'm gonna pray each of y'all can do a brief intro and then we'll just go straight into it.

Um and I'm gonna grab myself a water after I pray.

Okay.

God, thank you for your grace and mercy.

Uh I think you love us.

Help this time be beneficial to us as individuals, our hearts, our minds, our mental, emotional health, and also um let it be helpful to the people that we care for, whether that be children or friends or nieces or nephews or grandchildren.

Pray this in Jesus' name.

Amen.

All right.

Well, do you have more than one?

Well, you have two.

Is that okay?

Okay, you don't need two.

Okay.

All right.

Why don't y'all introduce yourself?

Okay, it's a little hard to see everybody.

You can hear me.

Okay.

Um, I'm Dr.

Nicole Faxton.

Um, and uh RJ and I are married.

He'll introduce himself.

Um, but we're the founders of Atlanta Wellness Collective, so we are a counseling and wellness practice located, we have locations in Ackworth, and then right down the road here off Kennesaw Avenue.

Um sorry if I'm winded, I'm also gonna have a baby in a few weeks.

Um but we have over 20 providers at our offices.

Um we offer counseling and therapy for ages three and up, pretty much everything: individuals, couples, families, groups.

Um, and then we also have a um psych nurse practitioner on our team, so we do medication, um, emotions-focused massage therapy, uh, nutrition counseling.

So it's kind of a one-stop shop as far as mental health care.

That's kind of our our mission, is just to provide holistic health care for the whole family.

Um and so, yes, I'm a I'm a licensed professional counselor.

Um, RJ and I've been in private practice in the area for about seven years.

About seven years.

Um, and that's a little bit about me.

Um, so as Nicole said, I am her husband.

Um we started Atlanta Wellness Collective in September of 2020, and right at the beginning of the pandemic, which was a great time to start a new business.

But in all reality, it was pretty good because it mental health became a pretty hot topic.

Um and so we're thankful to be here again.

We did, like Russ said, we did this last year and it was really great.

And uh we love being able to connect with the community and just help, and just we want to be a resource.

So whether you guys engage with us for any of your counseling needs or anything like that, or just you know, as a as a resource to be able to help you guys, um that's why we love being here.

Do you all have any specialty?

Like, do you have a specialty as a therapist or counselor?

Uh yeah, so my specialty, I work with a lot of men's issues, I work with couples, um, and then I also do some like coaching work uh as well.

I work mostly with teens, families, um, grief work, anxiety, um, and I I work with high achieving individuals, so gifted teens, um, and students.

Okay, great.

And I okay, this is on, it doesn't sound like it's on up here.

Okay, so I am Hannah Jordan and I work at our Marietta office, and I work with eating disorders, body image issues, anxiety, depression, um, and teens.

So, anything else?

That's great.

Okay.

My name is Jonathan.

Uh, I work at our Awkworth office.

I'm a licensed professional counselor.

Uh, I went to Dallas Seminary, so I have a master's of biblical counseling.

Um, so I do a lot of spiritual uh counseling with individuals, as well as probably about a third of my caseloads teens, and about a third are men in their 30s, 40s, just kind of not satisfied with where they're at in life.

And then I see kind of the gamut.

I see couples, I don't see younger young kids, but pretty happy there.

Okay.

All right, great.

So I have nine questions that will kind of guide us.

Pretty overarching questions, I think, that are all pretty interesting.

Um, but then as as we go, if you have like a follow-up question or you came with a question, just keep it on hold.

And we're gonna try to make sure we get time at the end for those.

So the first question is it seems like anxiety is more prevalent in today's youth.

Is this true?

And what do you think has caused the uptick in the anxious mental state?

Yeah, I'll answer it.

Um I feel like there's kind of two parts to this.

So there's been a lot more, there's a lot to be done, but there's been a lot more like destigmatization.

Yeah, that's a hard one to say.

Um around mental health issues.

And so I think kids are speaking up more about hey, I have anxiety, I have these weird feelings, you know, can I have some help with those?

Um, and so I think that's one part of it.

And then I feel like just like with the teens I work with, there's so much pressure, so much more than when I was a teen, like to, you know, get great grades, school seems harder.

Um, there's, you know, trying to keep up with what your friends have.

Social media is kind of like, you know, a lot comes from social media, and they're trying to like impress their friends and also strangers on social media.

Like, they're just trying to put out all this content, I guess.

Um, and so the pressures there, the pressures with parents and teachers.

Um, and so I think that's caused a huge increase in anxiety.

Yeah.

One of the things we wanted to say to you, just real quick, because I think this will piggyback on some other questions, is kind of the difference between anxiety and stress and worry.

So a lot of parents will say, Oh, my kid, my kid says they're so anxious, and this is like maybe something we didn't see when I was a teen or whatever.

And so a big part of what we do too is just educating on what all these different things mean.

So, like worry and stress and anxiety are all really natural, normal feelings that we all have at times.

It's when it becomes more severe or like invasive in maybe your own life if you experience anxiety, your depression, or your child's life, your teen's life, that it would become more of an more of an issue.

Um so I think like Hannah's saying, it's so kind of normalized and destigmatized now, which is so great with like TikTok and in social media.

Mental health has become such a big topic that a lot of teens are even like younger kids, they're like, Oh, I'm so anxious, I'm so anxious, or they've like self-diagnosed, we could talk about that.

Um, when maybe it's a normal stress, or maybe they are feeling anxious, which is a normal feeling, but it's then like when we get to those higher levels of anxiety that it might become like a little bit more abnormal, or I don't like using that word, but you know what I mean.

What would be and Sam real quick?

So we can some of us can hear ourselves in the monitor and some can't.

Can we just kill the monitors in general?

Thank you.

That's causing anxiety in me.

So thanks, so help me.

All right, so what's the difference between um like a normal level of stress or anxiety that we would say that's normal for me to feel that or my kid to feel that?

And then what's the the higher level that's like now we have a concern?

Yeah, so we're looking at like duration, we're looking at intensity, we're looking at frequency.

So, you know, if you come to our office, um, well, first off, we require an initial parent appointment at our office.

So we would have a parent meeting, parent appointment, um, and we're asking about those types of things.

So, how frequently is your child, or are you?

I'm just gonna speak to the parents here because parents have anxiety.

Um, you know, how frequently are you feeling these feelings?

Um, how intense are they?

Um, how difficult are they to cope with?

And, you know, maybe what's the um what has been the onset?

Has this been going on a long time?

Is this new?

Um it's normal to have anxieties about tests and speaking in public.

And I tell people it's normal to grieve when you break up with your boyfriend, like that's normal.

But the intensity, the duration, the frequency they're becoming every day, things like that.

Okay.

We kind of say like to some a little bit uh to speak to that, it's like when it's disrupting your daily life, really, when it becomes disruptive, like when the anxiety is so much that it's impeding your normal day-to-day activities, things things like that would would be kind of a marker for knowing when it's kind of getting it to that higher point.

That's great.

Number two, studies seem to show that suicide rates amongst teens have increased over the last 10 to 20 years.

Is this true?

And why do you think this is?

I did I pulled up some statistics.

So it is true.

So suicide rates have increased over the past 10 years.

I think it's like around 30% higher.

They decreased in 2019 and in 2020, which is kind of interesting.

And then with in 2020, a lot of people assume with the pandemic spiked again pretty high.

Um the spikes are typically in like teenagers, like younger adults, and then also um like minority populations, those rates are increasing.

Um historically, like white populations have had higher suicide rates, so it's kind of increasing in like minority populations.

Um and a lot of people think this is just because of like underdiagnosed mental health issues, um, maybe like lack of being able to get resources or things like that, or mental health support.

Um, and then the pandemic created, I think, a big spike in suicide rates as well, as well as just depression and adjustment disorders and anxiety.

Um, so they are increasing.

We know that suicide rates are higher for men than women.

Um, that's actually because men tend to use more lethal means with suicide, firearms, things like that, um, women tend to attempt with less lethal means.

Um but yeah, that's true that the rates have increased.

How do I navigate my role as a parent with a teenager who's depressed or anxious or has a diagnosis?

How do I navigate my role as a parent when I'm dealing with these with my child?

Well, okay.

So this is kind of like a topic that I feel we talked about last year too.

I feel like with parents and um caregivers like this, this comes up a lot because we want to be able to be there for our kids, we want to be there for people, but uh it can be really hard to know what to do, and and often um as as I was as we were talking about, I was like, well, you know, a lot of these questions, and like this will kind of be my theme a little bit of tonight, is a lot of it's around communication, like being able to talk to those um that you know, your kids or whatever, and like having open and honest conversations.

Um, I think a lot of times, you know, as a parent, because I have the almost 15-year-old, and a lot of times, like it's hard for me not to want to just fix, you know, oh she's sad, okay.

How do I fix that?

Or she's angry, how do I fix that?

And the more that we kind of the more that I even I reflect on it, like I don't want anybody to come fix me.

Like, honestly, I want people to just hear me and listen to me, right?

It's like you know this.

Um this is couples counseling.

Right, but that's a great point too.

Like, my thing would be like to be there for your kids, and we'll say kids to start is to be able to focus on them and try and get in the mindset if you're if you're in it now, to get into the mindset of how do I just listen to them really well, how do I be really curious?

Jonathan knows this, but I say be curious about everything, and he gets tired of me saying that.

But you can't fix them, right?

Like being genuine, being very curious, trying to understand where they're coming from.

Um, and you know, I'm sure we all know like empathy, like trying to be able to empathize with where they're at.

Yeah, you may not agree with how they're feeling, but a lot of that can be developmentally teens or teens or teens, and they're gonna be a little bit difficult at times.

Um you might not agree with why they're feeling a certain way, but just trying to understand that they feel that way, that's the true experience that they have.

Okay, how can I just listen well to that and realize that when you feel most heard by others, that that typically helps you be there for, like feel feel heard, known, and understood, which I think are like the main like keys that we all want to have to feel um important, I guess, or whatever, but connected.

And so to start, I just say like try and listen well, be curious, don't try and fix.

Um, and I know that can be really tough if there are like more difficult issues that they're dealing with, um, or more intense issues or more intense topics that they're dealing with, but I think that holds true no matter what it is.

Something I'll share too that we um, you know, a lot of the teens that we work with, um a big part of it is, you know, my parent doesn't understand, or you know, we hear that all the time.

My parent doesn't understand, or they just they do, they just want me to be fixed, or like, and that that language too is like I'm a problem, you know, I'm a problem to be fixed, rather than a child who's loved by my parent.

And a lot of a lot of the work that we do with the with teens, it becomes family work and it becomes like helping in these communication type situations to really communicate.

I call it heart language and to kind of hear your child and kind of hear your teen and connect with them.

There's a time for teachable moments, there's a time for you know coming in with the full battalion, but there's also a time for just listening and empathizing.

And another thing that we also love is um a lot of the families that I work with and the teens that I work with, we I love, love, love when parents are open to what we call kind of parent coaching.

So really it's parent therapy, but um I uh we have a lot a number of counselors at our office who will work with parents just to your the question was how do I kind of support my kid or my teenager going through this?

You know, don't don't miss out on your own kind of therapy or coaching opportunity to work with a therapist just to be able to like navigate your child's if they do have a diagnosis or they do have something going on, um, family counseling, parent counseling, stuff like that's available too, depending on what's going on.

And I think maybe practically, too, like to kind of get like to even answer the question very poignantly about like, well, what can you do?

I think one of the biggest things is actually creating space for it.

So the the key word when we're working with families, couples, even like you know, parenting situations, it's the intentionality that you can bring as a parent to intentionally approach your kid or the kid in your life and say, Hey, I actually want to know how you're doing.

Is it a very big difference as opposed to like, and I we all do this, I do this with my wife, and it's like you get home, hey, how was your day?

Oh, good, sweet, thanks, see you later.

It's like the I asked the question, I check the box, but it feels so much different when you sit across from them, you make the eye contact with them, and you say, Hey, how was your day?

Like, big difference in the approach and creating that space, and we as the parents can actually carve that time out.

Maybe it's not when we pick them up from school, maybe it's across the dinner table, or it's where I can actually be focused and present with them.

But that intentional carved out space is so key to create that.

I mean, that's what counseling really is doing, it's providing them a space for them to come into and process that with a third party for sure, but as parents, we can also be creating that space for them to make it feel safe to be able to approach those harder topics for sure.

I feel like we could talk on that one forever.

Like we could do the whole night on just that.

Yeah, go ahead.

What are we gonna do?

I was just gonna add one more thing because I think it's important to remember as like parents or older adults in these kids' lives, like they're 15, 16, you know, 13, 14, whatever.

And I think as an older figure in their life, you can be like, it's not that bad.

Like, there's so much life coming your way, like, and you have experienced so much more hardship than they have.

But remembering, like, this is the hardest thing that they have had to deal with so far, and I think that's really important to remember and not just be dismissive of it.

Yeah, that's great.

Um we years ago, I heard of somebody advised to you know, to ask your child, how are you doing?

It's great.

But like to say good, like, what's going on in your heart?

Like that there's something about that question that changes things because you're saying, I'm not just asking, you know, like, how was biology today?

Like, you're act actually asking, like, what are you feeling?

What's going on?

Are there you know, is are you upset, angry, are you fearful, are you anxious, you know, like you're actually wanting that information.

Um, which any time that I remember to ask that, um, it tends to be a different answer than how are you doing, which I think is good.

Well, and and just to piggyback off that real quick and then we can move on, like you how you model that to your kids, not just asking them, but showing them that you have emotions too, and you're not just this perfect human that never gets mad or never gets angry, or maybe that's all they see, but like trying not to be, right?

Like, show them.

Like when things are tough, like, and this is just me as a parent, like when things are tough, like I talked to my daughter about them, and she's seen me cry, she's seen me upset, she's seen, but like we talk about it, and so me normalizing it to her, and she's a teen and she, you know, is getting better because we really try and focus on it, um, shows them, right?

Like they they don't have any other example of it, and you know, than than their parents and those that are closest to them.

So if you're not doing that now, try and be more mindful of that.

And like Russ said, like ask um in the end, it's open-ended questions.

Heart open-ended questions, right?

Not like yes or no.

Do you have a good day?

Yes.

Oh, well, okay, give me more.

You know, it's like, oh, okay, well, tell me what was good about your day.

You know, what was hard about your day?

Or hey, this was I had a I had a tough day today, and this is what I went through.

How was your day?

You know, like modeling uh goes a long way in helping support.

What kind of questions can we ask our children to get them to open up?

So we gave some examples.

Are there other examples of what sorts of questions we can utilize to get these deeper conversations?

I just I know when I'm with when I'm with my stepdaughter, I I use RJ's, his tagline is be curious.

He says that all the time.

Be curious, be curious, be curious.

It's a little annoying.

But um I I don't I don't therapise my stepdaughter, like that that would be weird, but I put on my therapist hat and I get curious, and it always leads me in the right direction, it always leads to good conversations.

So, like Jonathan said, carving out time, time with them.

I love like riding in the car with her, like creating time that she will just talk.

And then I just get curious, I don't even really ask any questions because sometimes questions can feel kind of grilling, but it'll start with one thing, and I just kind of let her talk and get curious about it.

I tell myself, I'm not gonna jump in, I'm not gonna put anything out there, I'm just gonna sit with her, get curious about what she's talking about.

And I mean she'll talk for like hours, and I'm always shocked by what I hear.

Like, wow, I just got the full scoop.

So creating time, getting curious, sometimes it's not even about what you ask, it's just being present with your kids.

Well, into that, so um we're I'm always trying to ask my daughter, like, if I know she's got a swim meet or she's got a golf um match.

Match.

Tournament, tournament, tournament game.

Any anyway, like.

What she has going on in her life, like know what your kids are going on and what they have going on in their lives.

Know what their like friend relationships are like.

Like, and and then the being curious part is like I can always tell when my daughter's upset, right?

Because she's stomping and she's making loud noises and stuff, and I was like, hey, what I can tell, like there's something going on in you, like just being noticing and observing, like what you see will give you a lot into like what you can ask.

Because they're gonna show you.

Good couple's advice.

So, what about um I'm a dad of three daughters, so I even know about raising boys, but I hear they don't talk as much, they don't share as much information to their parents.

So, what are some key questions for like preteen guys and teenager guys?

I think too, like, and not that we're skirting around questions and not trying to help you guys get these answers, questions answered.

I think too, a lot of what we're talking about is not just the what, but the how.

And so something that we've learned about males and females is that males tend to connect shoulder to shoulder.

And so when we're doing something together, so whether that's working on the car, whether that's playing video games with them, or you know, going out for a walk, we we tend to connect shoulder to shoulder better.

And females on average tend to connect face to face.

And that's what really feels like I'm being heard, seen, and able to connect with someone.

And so I think not only the what, but the how, right?

Like the timing of it, showing them that they're like valuable and prioritized in your life, and kind of maybe even if it's a if it's three girls, maybe sitting across the table from them over breakfast or coffee and being poignant.

And again, I think RJ was saying, like, knowing them and asking poignant questions about things that they've mentioned within their life.

How like you had a test last week, you've been studying really hard for that.

I've been seeing that.

It sounds like it's really important, and I wonder you know, how that was, or something along those lines, but asking poignant questions that you're seeing and noticing in their life, and around that, how for sure.

That's great.

How um how how can we be safe people and parents for our children?

And and also I'm recognizing that I have to be their parent, and sometimes I gotta bring in the battalion and set the standard and set the line, and yet also be a safe person.

How do how do parents do this?

So, something that um really stood out to me that I learned um from Mike Lynch, who's a local pastor, um, he always says that rules without relationship leads to rebellion.

Um, and this is something that I feel like I I meet with a lot of parents and I meet with a lot of families, and it's the balance that I'm always hearing, I always get the and I I invite pushback in my sessions.

I say, okay, push back, push back on me, in what I'm saying.

And they'll say, Well, I have to be the parent, I have to set the rules, I have to set the boundaries.

And when we're talking about creating a safe space, that's the relationship.

So it does have to be a balance.

If we go in full battalion rules, boundaries, our own kind of ideologies with things, without the relationship piece, without the safety piece, then it's always gonna lead to rebellion.

And that's where I meet with teens or I meet with young adults or families where there's been a complete rupture in the family or in the relationship.

There's rebellion, there's I don't even want to be around my parents, you know, we're we're rebuilding and repairing relationships that's been damaged.

It's often because there's been rules and I'm your parent, I just have to teach you everything, and there's been no relationship building, none of what we're kind of talking about.

So that's why so much of our therapy focus is on the relationship, because most parents understand the role of I have to teach my kids, I have to set boundaries for them, I have to, you know, be modeling like moral things for them.

The relationship piece can be really hard, um, especially when our teens are moody and their brains aren't fully developed yet, like they can be frustrating.

And creating that safe space for them is creating time.

Like we're kind of sharing, creating time, creating energy, creating scenarios to just really heart to heart connect with your kids and what they like and really getting to know them when we turn off the kind of teacher hat for a little bit.

This isn't being friends with your parent with your kids either, um, but it is just creating kind of space for them.

Yeah, and no, and I would add to that too.

It's it's hard because becoming a parent, like nobody really teaches you how to do that well, right?

Like we all had parents who probably failed at that to some capacity.

Maybe you had great ones, maybe you're just super blessed, but that you know that wasn't necessarily my experience.

Um my parents were great though, I love them.

Um it's hard becoming like a CEO and being like, hey, you just have to do this, right?

Like you just have to do this now, and and not really giving any explanation as to why.

And so, like, when we're trying to train up our kids, when we're trying to teach them, so much of it to me is not like and this was different if it was something dangerous, right?

Like, don't go play in the street, like I'm gonna be that's a hard and fast, like, okay, you're not playing in the street, and I still need to tell you why, but it's different than um you know, you're yelling you're taking your toy from your brother or your sister.

Um, but it to me it's being able to explain and actually communicate a little bit, say, hey, this is why we're not, this is why we don't do this.

Instead of just don't do that and move on.

And our lives are so busy, it can be really hard for us to want to connect and spend that extra time to make it a safe place.

But once again, that to me that's showing an investment to them that they see like, hey, it's not just some dictator that's telling me what to do or what not to do, but there is that relationship, um, like Nicole was saying.

And if the and if there's any room, depending on like how old your team is or how old your kid is, and I I think Russ, you actually said this last year, like as your kids have grown older, there's been some more freedom that has come with that over the time because you want them to be able to experience a lot before they're out of your house.

And I really appreciate that and stored that away for a few years to get down the line.

But I think it's also like if there's any room for compromise, and compromise is when both parties are getting something and both parties are giving something.

If there's any room for compromise, like if you're trying to set like a curfew, it's like, hey, curfew's at 10.

Dad, I really want, I really, you know, we're going to this movie, it's gonna be 1030.

Can we do 1030?

Hey, yeah, I'll I'll be willing to go 1030 this time, but you know, that means you know, something else, right?

And so it's like it's when we're able to have that relationship like we're talking about, and that communication, the doorway is open for that talk about, hey, I'm I'm gonna be willing to give up a little bit on this so you can like so we can meet somewhere in the middle, but ultimately we're the parent, and we get to kind of decide how much we're willing to go, but it does mean a lot when we're willing to find a little bit of give from them because then there's buy-in.

Buy-in on the boundary that we together set, as opposed to me coming in and set for you.

Big difference.

And then we can actually come back and say, hey, remember how you said you were gonna agree to that 1030?

Well, it was like 1045, and you told me we were gonna do 1030.

And then it's not you punishing them, it's them not holding the boundary that they agreed to and helped set, and it's a consequence now from them not choosing to hold that boundary that they set.

And that is great language that we've continue to see as we develop.

Hey, you didn't meet your deadline, I'm sorry, you're not gonna get a good grade on this test or this paper then.

We see those boundaries being set in life, in the workplace, in college, and high school, and so it's continuing to kind of even bring that into the family.

And one more thing.

I think with like increasing you know, healthy communication around boundaries and rules, that will like increase your child's trust in you.

I mean, from what I've seen in the teens that I see.

And then when their trust is increased in you, I think you trust them more because that's just that relationship building.

Um yeah, because I see a lot of times when teens don't trust their parents, they're like, well, but they don't trust me, and there's that lack of connection.

That's right.

Heading towards like phones and social media, how can we help our children have healthy relationships with their phones and with social media?

Yeah, go for it.

Because social media is hard.

Because it can be so great, but it can also be so bad for these kids.

And so I think going back to like how we're talking to them, um, I think you know, if you talk about anything, social media in this um light, in a shameful way, I think that breeds a lot of silence, sneaking, secrecy, judgment.

And so if we can take that shameful language away, like, Nicole, you've literally been on your phone for all day, you know, and they're like, oh gosh, like now I have to hide it.

Um, and kind of changing the conversation around it and saying, like, let's talk about why you like social media.

Oh, well, you feel like you're really connected to your friends.

Well, how do you think social media hurts you?

Like, what don't you like about social media?

And having those open conversations about that.

Um and I think that will increase their awareness of how social media can hurt them and how it is hurting them in whatever way.

Um, and so for me, I see a lot of teens, like I said, with eating disorders, a body image.

And so sometimes in sessions I'll sit with them and we look at their followers or who they're following, rather.

And we're we're unfollowing people who don't make them feel good about themselves, who have a bad impact on their mental health.

And then a lot of times I'll give them people to follow.

I'm like, these are great people, they have really positive posts, fun post, funny post, whatever it is, but they're just it's more like healthy content to consume for these routines.

Yeah, I think what Hannah's getting at is again, we're gonna keep going back to it, but having open conversation versus rules.

Um, I always tell parents that parenting is kind of like an on-ramp to life.

So um I I was meeting with a family, this was a couple years ago, but um their daughter was starting to drive and they were having a really hard time kind of making that jump, making that transition.

And, you know, they turn 16 and they get in that car, and it's like, whoa, that's scary.

And um, I explained to them that parenting and all these kind of decisions, whether it's social media or whatever it might be, it's like if we just set rules and we don't really have conversations, you can't have any social media, period.

It's kind of like putting your kid in the car and wanting them to get on 75 with no on-ramp.

Because they're gonna turn 18, they're gonna go to college, or they're they're already sneaking it, honestly, now.

And we haven't had any conversations, we haven't had any on-ramps, we haven't talked about boundaries.

So I tell parents, it's like, I know it's kind of this inevitable thing, social media and technology.

I think we're gonna get into some other topics like that that feel like in the world today they're just inevitable, and not talking about them or just setting rules, it's really not guiding your child to then be able to make informed decisions for themselves, like Hannah's saying, asking them, well, what do you think is negative about this?

When you look at that account, how do you feel?

Um, what do you think is contributing to maybe some anxiety?

Are there certain accounts that you're following that contribute to your anxiety?

So, see how we're opening up kind of conversation and we're getting it to be their idea, they're buying into it.

So, another thing I wanted to share on social media, um, we have a we have a blog on our website, and I created a um creating your social media mission statement.

Um, so if you're interested in that, um, it's like our website, atlwell.com slash blog, creating your social media mission statement.

And this is something that I do with a lot of families and teens that are having trouble with maybe social media issues.

Um, we've done this with our stepdaughter, she's turning 15, she doesn't have any social media, and it hasn't been a fight, and I'll say that because it was a little bit, but it's become her idea that she doesn't want it.

Like we've had so many, it's not just one conversation, it's constant conversations about social media, and what the whole thing about creating a social media mission statement with your teen or as a family or yourself is really getting them to think through why they want it, why they're using it.

And it's not just social media.

It's why do you want TikTok?

What's the purpose?

Why do you want Instagram?

Why do you want Snapchat?

Why do you want this?

And fleshing that out with them.

So when we've done this with our 15-year-old, she's like, okay, I don't really think I need it right now because her reasons aren't really that great.

It's like, well, just all my friends have it.

And I'm like, that's not really a good enough reason to be on it, you know.

So for us, it's having a lot of conversations, and uh, I'm gonna be transparent.

We have bribed her with money.

So that's a part of it too.

Yeah, there's a lot too.

Um we don't have to justify.

We we told her we would we would pay her if she waits until she's out of high school.

I mean, so we uh so about five years ago, my best friend who has kids older than we do, so he has kids in late high school all the way down to what how old's Jesse, seventh grade, sixth grade?

And uh he said, I he I think he's a very wise parent.

He said, most parents have abdicated parenting in this area because they deem it too complicated, or they want to pretend like it doesn't exist, or they want to be naive about it instead of really engaging it.

And when he said that, it was kind of like I gotta get my stuff together, like I do.

Um and we create, we're just beginning it, only one of our children has a phone, but we have a phone contract, which is basically a mission statement and understanding the progression you will go through when you're in our family of when you get a phone, how long you have on it, like it's very detailed, so they understand where they're headed, what they get when.

And then what's been interesting with it, the relationship side of it is it's a living document because things change.

Our lives change, their lives change, technology changes, uh, you know, one app didn't even exist when we wrote the contract the first time, a new app popped, and my daughter said, I want this.

And we said, Well, you don't get social media until you know this point.

And she she's like, Well, it's it's not like it's just different, you know.

And I said, Well, go write a paragraph why it's different, let's come back, let's have a conversation.

And and and then I gave me time to go read about it, and it was different.

Like, so it's like, I we can we can we can adjust to that.

Like, okay, that's fine.

Um, but I think that's given good clarity along the way.

Now, my natural reaction is I just I just I want to abdicate.

Like, I I just want it to go away.

Like, this is an area I just I just want to go away.

But it's not going away, it won't go away, and it's a major part of the conversation of the relationship building.

So is and and I have to at least understand that, and I think what you said is good of like um when they're requesting something, a lot of time they're requesting it out of their their friends' habit, and that's not a good enough reason, and clarity can help bring them to their own decision and the decision that you want to help them make, and the decision you may force upon them, um, but also them knowing when they get what can very be very helpful, and then allowing them to come into the wisdom of what's healthy for them, like for different apps, has been very helpful because if they can make the decision to say, like, yeah, that app actually probably is just gonna create more of a headache or anxiety in my life than I want, and then choose not to have it, that's incredibly powerful for them to make that decision on their own.

But it won't come unless we guide them through let's let's really process this and think about it, instead of just like let's jump on.

Well, around um around COVID, um Avery got she did get TikTok.

No.

What was it?

I thought it was a TikTok.

I can't remember.

Something.

She we the amount of like crying and tears, she was very addicted to it, like very addicted to it.

And but she recognized that, and we we tried really hard to build open communication, and she would come to us and say how bad it made her feel, like sitting there watching it.

And I'm like, okay, well, can I help set boundaries?

Sure, but I'm not gonna follow them because you know they're all gonna just do what they want to do.

Um it finally, so many conversations with her, and she made the decision to delete it and get off of it, and hasn't been on any social media since.

The fact that it was her decision was so empowering, and we've we don't have like these issues where a lot of the teens I work with, they're just hiding everything, you know.

It's like we don't, you know, she made that decision herself, and we talked about all the ways it was negatively impacting her.

I mean, it was bad.

Um and the same thing goes, I'm I'm pretty active on social media.

So on TikTok, on Instagram, and I really enjoy social media.

I have my own kind of social media mission statements I've done, and I talk to her about that, and we talk about my reasons for being on social media.

Um, but I wanted to just add having real empathy for this next generation because I presented at a one of our big local um Georgia conferences for counselors in like April on um effectively counseling Gen Z and kind of all the considerations for this new generation, which now we have Gen Alpha too, so we're counseling like Gen Alpha Gen Z, and that's what we're talking about.

But for Gen Z, they don't know what it's like to not have social media.

They really don't.

And it's even hard for me to put myself in that mindset, like to have that empathy for them, that this is all they've ever known.

I mean, I went to college and didn't have social media, that's completely unheard of now with this generation.

So having empathy that this is their way of life, it's not a way of life that's going away, we're not ever going back, like this is their life.

Um, and this came up.

I had a I had a college student that I was meeting with this past week, and we're talking about dating and putting herself out there, and she has really high anxiety.

Um, and we're talking about it, talking about it, we're talking about ways she can meet people, and she finally says, she says, Nicole, everyone dates through Snapchat.

Like everyone meets each other through Snapchat, and I don't like Snapchat.

It stresses me out, it gives me anxiety, I hate it, therefore I can't meet anybody.

That's all anybody does.

And I was like, Oh, you have really schooled me.

I didn't even think about that, because that was not a part of my dating life in college or my 20s.

I never had Snapchat.

But she schooled me.

I'm like, oh, this is her way of living now.

This is how they do things, and if you don't have it, you're kind of an outcast.

So just sharing that as a way to get and be empathetic toward the world that our kind of kids are growing up in now.

It's so normal.

And and model what you're wanting to, so don't give them tough boundaries, and then as soon as you come home, you're you're on your phone all night, not really paying attention to anybody, or not paying attention to your spouse or whoever.

Like be a good role model in that too, because they're they're gonna think that it's just oh, you're just telling me what to do, you just do it, you spend all this time on there, and it's not gonna feel like they can trust you at that.

Yeah.

All right, studies show that 11 is the average age that a child will be exposed to pornography.

94% of children are exposed to it by age 14.

How can I, as a parent, how can we as parents navigate this with our children?

Um, how do I navigate parenting in the event that I discover my child has been consuming it?

Yeah, I mean, I think um even as we continue to talk about the relationship that we have with our kids, it's hopefully by age 11, right, when they're this these stats are showing we have trust, we have safety, we have a relationship where we are just talking in an open about things.

I think it coincides greatly with the last question about technology, right?

And phones and things of that nature, and even a question before this about how do we kind of work on setting boundaries.

I think openly talking about why we're setting boundaries around technology, around apps, around phone usage, um, even computer usage and where we have those devices as a family and things of that nature.

And then again, like RJ is saying, modeling that, like, hey, you know, we only have our computers in the living room.

And we only use computers during family time, and Wi-Fi shuts off at 9 p.m.

for you and for me.

Like, and I think that's trying to help put some safeguards in place for them.

There's also some great uh technology assistance out there.

Um, one called Covenant Eyes, and there's Triple X Church and some other great technology assistance that we can help install on devices.

And again, I think it's the modeling of saying, hey, we have this on our devices too.

And you know, what media we're consuming as a family.

Hey, are we watching, you know, R-rated movies like as a family, or do you see mom and dad, like, hey, we're we're gonna watch, we're gonna go out and see this movie?

Oh, I really want to see that.

Sorry, you know, it's it's an adult movie, like you guys can't see it.

And it's again, like, that's discretion, but it's also being like, I think the way you were saying it too, like our heart condition along that along those lines of why are we consuming this?

What are we looking for?

And then how do we continually approach our kids with that?

And so modeling that with good behavior, setting those boundaries, uh setting those boundaries with them, and talking about why we set the boundaries as well.

I guess I can stop talking, I've talked a lot.

How do we teach uh like even children preteen?

There's start maybe they haven't got their phone yet, they're getting their phone, uh, healthy images, you know, unhealthy images.

Like what is a what's a good framework for that discussion to start to build into your children?

I I don't know if I have an exact answer for that, but I think for me, this really does go back to like how do we talk to our kids about stuff just in general.

Um we have some close friends of ours, and I think they've done probably the best out of any of our friends of like talking to their son about um topics like this with pornography and and different stuff.

And um she does work with us.

Um to me, it points back to the need for having just honest conversations like um if we're not willing to go there and be a parent, and I think this is this is another one of those things that's really hard to understand how to know and how to do.

Um, we were listening to a podcast from Andy Stanley, and remember he was talking about um in business how one of the managers um was saying, like, yeah, I have difficult conversations all the time, I fire people all the time.

And Andy Stanley's like, well, that's not, or Andy or the guy who was he's like, that's not actually not a difficult conversation.

You're not like helping that person grow, you're just like, hey, I'm tired of you, and you're moving on.

But as parents, it can be really hard to be intentional.

And I think maybe that's a really good word to be mindful of when we're talking about how do we help our kids work through stuff is like we have to be we have to be parents, we have to be intentional about this stuff.

We know it's out there, we know that it's gonna have a bad impact, we see the effects of it.

Um, and so being very mindful of that and saying, like, okay, I'm gonna, if you don't know how, like, research, talk to a resource, reach out to us, look online.

There's all sorts of ways that people have come up with and created to say, like, how to have these difficult conversations.

What are ways that, what's certain language that we can use?

How do we really talk through how this impacts you?

Um, so more than they, yeah.

Yeah, to bring up without having to shame, like, what what have you seen?

What are you seeing?

You know, okay, what do you think about that?

How that makes you feel, why you know, to get that going.

One of the my kids' favorite games is when I ask them what words have they heard.

They love that.

It's like it's a free-for-all.

I'm like, go ahead and say it.

Say it.

What's the word?

Yeah, like yeah, say it, let's go.

Let's say it out loud.

Like I I do think if you can create that of like permission, like then we can begin to build something.

Yeah.

I have parents uh around this same topic that they'll say, um, I don't want to talk about suicide, or you don't want to talk about depression, because I don't want my kid to then be thinking about it.

I'm like, oh, they're already thinking about it.

They're already talking about it.

They've already heard the words, they've already seen the images, and they already know the topic.

So just whether we're gonna engage and talk about it or not.

Hannah, what were you gonna add?

Well, I was gonna give an example.

So I was talking to Nicole probably like a year ago, and I was like, there's this topic I want to bring up with someone, but it's just uncomfortable, like I don't know how to do it.

Can you give me advice?

And she was like, Well, you said you were like, if you're uncomfortable talking about it, they're gonna be uncomfortable talking about it.

So basically get over it.

Like, you know, yeah, and that has helped me so much because I'm like, these kids like need to feel comfortable talking about this stuff, or they're not gonna talk about it, or they're gonna go find their own answers.

And I think as parents, or older adults in my case, I'm not a parent.

Um, I think that's very impactful for them when you're very you know, normalized with a topic, you're okay talking about it, they're gonna be okay talking about it.

Well, who would you want them to learn it from?

Like us or somebody else?

Yeah, you know, and that's difficult and challenging for sure.

And I think it comes back, you know, like the questions we ask, I think it comes back to heart condition, right?

Like that's why like it's a like pornography is a sin.

It's still a sin of the heart.

It's a it's a it's a longing, it's a lust for something.

And we also have other heart condition sins that we experience as a family too.

And so it's also continuing to set up that expectation of like, hey, I I I've I explicitly remember as a kid growing up, a rule in my house was we could not watch The Simpsons, but I never knew why.

It was like just nope, Simpsons, nope, nothing, nothing to do with the Simpsons.

And it's like, well, why?

And I think that's again goes back to the difference between rules and boundaries and expectations around our family and what we're consuming, because we want to be feeding that heart and one that's gonna glorify God, as well as going to bring life into us, as opposed to continually seeking things of this world and are going to feed the flesh part of us.

And so I think there's uh whether it's pornography or if it's um media, social media, music, things of that nature, that we want to be stewarding and cultivating, pouring life into us.

Great.

Switching the conversation back to something we touched on at the beginning is uh we said when anxiety or stress is becoming a daily issue that's bothering on a daily basis, then now we have something we probably need to talk about and process a little bit more than the fact that anxiety or stress is just part of our lives.

Um this carries us eventually in that conversation of when are antidepressants helpful?

How do we understand antidepressants?

Um, can you help us as a group of parents?

How do we think about them as being when are they helpful and how do we think about them?

This is a me question again.

Everybody looked at me.

Uh so I think what what is helpful when we think about like a lot of the tools we've talked about, I already used the word, sorry, bearing the lead here.

It's a tool, right?

Medications are a tool, boundaries are a tool, social media can be a tool, and a tool used for health and actually helping us.

And so um one thing I would encourage y'all to not have to figure out is when medications are necessary.

That's not your guys' job, that's the professional's job.

It's what we went to school for, it's what doctors went to school for.

And so when you're noticing things, and it comes back to the how and continuing that relationship and conversations, I'm noticing this and you, can you tell me, you know, what's going on and kind of things of that nature?

We can go to our pediatrician, we can go to a counselor, um, counselors, so some really brief logistical talks about antidepressants and things that nature.

Counselors cannot prescribe medications.

We're not doctors, even though some of us have PhDs, we're not medical doctors, so we can't prescribe meds.

Only people who have a medical degree, nurse practitioners, physicians' assistants, pediatricians, things of that nature, they can prescribe medication.

We have a psychiatric nurse practitioner on our staff who specializes in psychiatric medication.

Most pediatricians have had one class on one class on maybe a couple rotations on like the mental health side of things, and that is not their forte.

They are a generalist.

Their goal is to help care for them as their development, and that's a part of it, but it's not what they're expert in.

And so that's where a lot of times we would recommend uh going to someone who's the expert in that.

When you have a heart issue, your general practitioner says you need to go to a cardiologist because they have the expertise in that field.

Now, granted, a lot of pediatricians are comfortable prescribing some general antidepressants because we know a lot of them are very safe.

I know part of the question was, and I'm gonna talk a little bit, so you're gonna have to bear with me here.

I'm gonna get a little nerdy.

Um, but what an antidepressant actually does, it's very loaded question because there's a lot of different types of antidepressants.

The most common ones that a lot of paediatricians are comfortable prescribing are what we would call selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, SSRIs.

That's like your Prozac, your Zoloft, your Lexapro.

Um, those are like the big name antidepressants out there that you may have heard, you may have your other people have uh doctors have recommended.

You've also got some other ones that are called selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, which is like effects, and well butrin and stuff like that.

And they all do a little bit different thing.

But in how they work chemically, you first have to understand that our brain is made up of neurons, and our neurons create chemicals called neurotransmitters.

And neurotransmitters are the messages that our our neurons are sending to each other, our neurons throughout all of our body, and they fire an electrical charge that spits out these chemicals called neurotransmitters, and the other neuron sucks them up.

And so there's actually a little gap between all of our neurons, a little gap like that, and one neuron fires chemicals and the other neuron sucks them up, and that's how messages get sent through your body.

It's how when you touch a hot stove, before you've even thought about it, your brain says hot and pulls back because neurons have connected all the way to your brain and have told it it's hot.

And so that also is how we can create certain chemicals in our feelings and mental health section part of our brain, for lack of a better word.

And the main neurotransmitter that impacts depression and anxiety is serotonin.

Going to the antidepressant is called a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor.

Stay with me, it's gonna we're gonna get a little bit nerdier.

When this neuron doesn't suck them up, the neurotransmitters hang out in that gap.

Our brains are super efficient because God created us and designed our brains, and it's amazing to see all this happen.

But because we're so efficient, our brains love efficiency, this neuron sucks up what's ever left, and that's called the reuptake.

And it just tries to be efficient.

Hey, there's some chemicals left.

Instead of producing them, let's just bring them back up.

And then when we get told to produce some more, it just fires those ones that it's already produced.

So what that does is it actually shuts our brain's processing of that neurotransmitter down because it looks at it and says, hey, we've already got a kind of a surplus here.

Why would we continue to produce this?

And it really decreases our production of that neurotransmitter.

What a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor does is it targets the reuptake of that neuron to not reuptake the serotonin.

And the serotonin just hangs out in that gap.

What that does is it forces your neuron to actually go into production mode again and start producing serotonin to get more serotonin in that cleft.

And then that gives a better chance of this neuron to then suck in the serotonin that it's supposed to.

And so it doesn't add anything, it's actually putting a blocker into that neuron to help stimulate production to continue for your brain.

It's why, unfortunately, also the antidepressants typically take three weeks to be effective.

Because it's a process that your brain is saying, Oh, we gotta fire up the engines again, and we gotta get the get the furnaces going and be producing that neurotransmitter.

A lot of most antidepressants that are prescribed now are under those classifications of what they're doing.

So it's really providing a blocker and helping your brain produce the chemicals that it's supposed to be producing at a normal level because our brains will sometimes close that production down.

So that was a long-winded answer.

That's great.

That's how it works.

That's the thing that's helpful.

Refer to a specialist, yeah, or an expert.

Yeah.

Well, and I was gonna I know we have time.

I was gonna turn it up for for questions from the do y'all have any questions?

We have about ten more minutes, eight to ten minutes.

Do y'all have any questions?

You guys, any follow-up questions, something you came in with.

I'll ask more.

Yeah, Katie.

I talked a lot.

I I was gonna say, like, as far as uh if your your child or your teen or is is on uh medic medication, psychotropic medication, or an antidepressant or something like that, or they're interested in that.

So for us, you know, we don't prescribe medication.

We have someone at our office who does.

She'll meet with ages 12 and up.

Um for us, it's working on the coping skills, it's working on all of the different other factors in therapy that we know that works to help with the depression and the anxiety.

Our first, at least if you come to our office, our first thing is not gonna be you need to be on medication.

That's not gonna be our first conversation at all.

I wanted to add that Jonathan's talking about serotonin and SSRIs.

90% of serotonin is created in the gut.

So a lot of kids or teens, they think it's just fully a brain thing, but that's why we're gonna address, and we have a dietitian on our staff, you know, we're gonna address their eating habits and all of these things that impact these chemicals as well, because it's created in the gut.

So if we have really poor diet or eating habits, you know, all that's gonna impact.

So I want to point that out that that's always gonna be our first step.

Um, when it gets to the point where we're talking about medication, it's going back to we've tried all these different measures, we're really chugging in the right direction in our in our terrain, and we're still having these overwhelming symptoms.

So medication is not gonna be a first case thing.

Um what we would do at our office, um, we use kind of a collaborative care model.

So we have you know individuals on our staff that we can work together and collaborate on your child's care, your care.

Um, we would then suggest that you would get a consultation with her, um, with our psych and pee.

Um, and then those kind of decisions would be made by her.

So I'm really even hesitant to answer because um we're not you know medical professionals in that way.

Um safe to say, so from the parents' point of view, it's safe to say this is toward the end of the line of what we want to do in the helping process.

And then once we're once we're on medicine, the goal is to continue to get better so we can get off of medicine.

So research shows that therapy and medication paired together is what's gonna lead to the best outcomes for depression and anxiety, at least, bipolar disorder, other other um mental health disorders, ADHD medications are shown to be even more necessary or helpful.

Um, but again, it's kind of case by case.

The goal is not to be on these medications for forever.

Um but that comment, would that comment be more reserved for anxiety, stress?

That comment couldn't bridge over toward major mental disorders, right?

Because major, major more major mental disorders may need medication your entire life.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I mean, again, I think it comes down to like medication is a tool.

Like it's not the fix, it's not the solution.

There's no pill that's just gonna fix everything.

Yeah.

It's when we, again, like Nicole was saying, research has shown time and time again, it's when we pair medications with therapy.

The the metaphor I always use with my clients, it's that it's like medication, like our life is like a we're swimming in a stream, and counseling is we're helping trying to get up the stream.

And sometimes our stream is just like super, like it's a rapid, and we're not able to make any progress.

We're swimming so hard and we're just not making any progress.

And that is when medication can be a helpful tool to make that stream more of a trickle.

So we still have to do work, it's not gonna just do it for it, but it for a time it can actually get us through that rapid part in a way that we can kind of break through that cycle, and so it can really be helpful.

It's hard to hard to know for sure, to be honest.

Another question Justin, you mentioned earlier more kind of shoulder to shoulder more time.

What is the point of the tricks like we have to do a shoulder-to-shoulder conversation?

What are some tricks that we can do as a dad to girls or a mom to boys to get on their level and also do vice versa, like you know, meet halfway or something like that?

Totally.

I mean, I think a lot of the like my all my clients with with girls, and I have an eight, eight-month-old, so I'm still learning that right now.

But it's that intentional, like whether it's a daddy-daughter date, it's like, hey, I'm gonna take you out to breakfast maybe before school starts.

We're gonna go to breakfast, and it's again, it's a literally a posturing of I'm sitting now across from you, and it's that eye contact, and it's the face-to-face.

Like, and and it can be anything.

And I know like I can give you some maybe little tips and tools, stuff like that.

I think breakfast, lunch, dinner, something like that, where it's my time is now dedicated to you in this space.

And there's a table, uh, something like that.

Maybe it's even at the couch, like in your family room, and it's the sitting down, but it's gotta be that eye contact.

That's what on average women really tend to feel seen and heard and connected.

And for moms with their sons, it's activities like hey, let's let's play a board game, or that's me, so but let's do a puzzle, or let's go for a walk, or let's play video games.

Video games, yeah.

But I think I would encourage you again, I think I said this earlier, maybe, but whatever your kid is interested in, if you become interested in that, man, they are gonna be all on that.

Like my mom, when I was growing up, I played a baseball.

She could not throw a baseball to save her life.

But what did we do?

We went in the backyard and she caught and she rolled it back to me, and that meant so much to me because she was willing to do something that I loved.

And we were then sitting there, and I was like, we were doing an activity, but we were also still facing each other.

So she was able to connect with me.

I felt super seen, and man, my mom's wanting to play this game with me.

I love it, and it was really meaningful.

And so I think something like that, if you know your kids better than I do, and if you can get interested in what they're interested in, that's going to be huge.

So in therapy terms, we would call this co-regulation.

So our our role as a parent, and actually this is what a lot of anxiety treatment is based on.

So if you want to talk treatment language, it's teaching, it's teaching adults, kids how to regulate our nervous systems, how to regulate our emotions, how to go through something hellacious and be able to walk through a storm, you know, that's regulation.

That's and it's at the nervous system level, right?

But it's also at an emotional level.

And when we're talking about with our kids, what we do by by uh modeling regulation is what we call co-regulation.

So when I'm working with families, we'll talk about it's your kid being at a 10 and you being able to stay at like a five for them.

You know, that's what co-regulation is.

And it's the same with couples.

So if you're arguing with your spouse and we're both at 10, so we have to find a way that we can co-regulate and get back down to kind of a healthy, I hope you know what I mean when I'm saying regulated, you know, grounded in my body, like calm, you know, able to communicate with you effectively.

I always say we can't communicate effectively when we're up here.

So as parents, that's a huge, I would say that's one of the most difficult parts of being a parent, right?

Because your kids, your teens are like this.

They do not have those real regulation skills yet.

That's something that's learned.

Babies have absolutely zero regulation skills.

And that's why we swaddle them.

It's regulating.

Um, so that's something that we're constantly like learning.

But as a parent, for you to stay regulated or at least try whatever that looks like for you, you know, using your own coping skills, having your own support as a parent, having your own support maybe through therapy or your spouse or whatever that looks like, your mom friends.

Um, for when your kid is kind of going like this, if a parent can stay regulated and co-regulated, wow, that's gonna do wonders for your kids and your teens and your college students.

Um, so I hope that's kind of making sense.

I'm kind of putting it in like some clinical language, but um I do want to mention too, we have um several counseling groups at our Marietta office, which is about a mile from here.

Um it's that way.

They keep trying, I keep saying it's that way.

It's that way.

I don't know where I am.

Um we have a group starting in in March, and it's um parenting highly emotional kids and teens.

Um, it's a mom's group.

Um so it's led by Malora Moore.

She's a licensed clinical social worker at our Marietta office, and she's uh she's actually running the group right now with some moms.

She's gonna be starting it again in March.

And it's been like a really successful group because so many parents, um, when you have those highly emotional kids and teens, or even if it's a college student, um, she really helps you kind of go through in the group this kind of co-regulation stuff and really working on that.

Um, it is a skill, it's hard.

Um, but anyway, I hope that's helpful and maybe the maybe the group would be something you'd be interested in, or I don't know, just as a resource.

Last question again, Jeanine.

Well, my first second answer pastorally is um I think there's a lot of power, maybe not an immediate moment, but long term, to be able to say, This is really breaking my heart.

I think to be able to be core honest is very powerful.

Um how we choose our words in that moment to be able to say um can stick with a kid.

Not you're a mistake, not not even necessarily maybe you're breaking my heart would be fair.

Um it may not resonate that moment, but I do think the 22-year-old or the 20-year-old it stick it something like that from your loving mother or loving father, that can stick to you as much as you know any other message you hear.

Um, and we may not see, and you may not see out of your child something till years later, right?

That story is being written over time.

But to be able to voice heart concern profoundly while trying to maintain a calm, non-anxious state so that they'll hear it clearly.

So a book was called written called Failure of Nerve by Erwin Friedman, which became out of family system theory, and he was a therapist.

And his I'll tell you the whole book.

If we can remain a calm, non-anxious presence in the lives of those around us, like that's how we remain a voice for them.

And if we can differentiate ourselves from the chaos of their life or the chaos of their emotion and remain calm, non-anxious, that's a very powerful space to hold for them and to be able to speak a truth while in that state.

Um, I think it doesn't necessarily fix it, but it can it can stick to them in a way that hopefully God will use it over time.

Can I go?

Yeah.

Okay, so there is something called I statements used a lot in couples counseling, but I think it can be used really in any relationship.

Because I I imagine, you know, if your kid's saying, like, hey, I did this thing or I'm thinking about this thing, you're immediately like, no, don't don't do that.

That's you know, that's dangerous, that's bad.

And I think if you can kind of like regulate yourself, slow down and say, I feel blank because blank.

I feel worried about you.

I feel scared because I'm thinking about where this can lead.

I feel worried about you because blank.

And I think that kind of sets that tone to where it's like they're understanding why this is so heartbreaking or this is so scary.

Um, and it's not just like jumping into like, oh my gosh, don't do that, even though you really want to as a parent.

I think that's just parental instinct.

We had a Christy and I, we had a family member, sibling, who was doing dangerous things in their young adulthood, and the thing he said that turned him around was the the the constancy of love from his parents.

And uh knowing that he already knew what he was doing was destructive, right?

He was just justifying it as a you know young person, but the constancy of the love, right?

And that's where this goes back, I feel like to what Nicole said, which is that's gonna be my takeaway for tonight, is rules without relationship leads to rebellion, right?

Theologically, we say the law increases the trespass, and grace builds relationships, right?

So, of course, rules without a relationship creates rebellion.

Like that's that's why.

Um so we're looking to build that relationship in all these settings, and we're gonna be affected.

We're gonna be affected, you know.

Love hurts.

It really just does.

Like, there's just there's there's impact for having a child who is upset.

There's impact for having a child that's um doing something destructive, um, just like if it's a a friend or any loved one, um, we are affected by this.

Can we be differentiated from it?

Can we be connected and not abreacting?

Right?

So that would be what it means to be differentiated.

I'm connected to this, and yet I'm not emotionally hijacked by it on a constant level.

I may be emotionally impacted, I may be sad, but I'm not getting hijacked to the point of abreacting in other ways.

I'm connected to it.

But because I'm differentiated as my own person, I'm love, I'm connected, but I'm not getting pulled into a point where I'm now not even in service to them.

Um, and so I think that's where it goes back to how do I maintain rules in relationship?

Like all this kind of ties back to us trying to love our kids or love people that are in our lives, um, you know, as we go through the story that God's writing for them, and especially when it comes to preteens and teens, that story takes a while to work itself out.

I do these new member interviews for our church, and these interviews go all over the place.

I've sat with some of y'all, and the interviews go over the place, and a lot of times these stories of some sort of grounding into like in terms of like, and then I kind of settle down, you know, like you know, I you know, calm down a little bit, and that's like the language people tend to use, and it's like they're in their mid-20s, that prefrontal cortex finally has formed up.

You know, they're remembering the words of their parents, they're remembering things that are important to them, um, their brain is formed.

Um, all this is, you know, so the stories being written in our children.

I'm gonna close us in prayer.

Anyone who wants to walk over to the student chapel can walk over there, sing a few songs with students if you have any kids over there.

And then um, these guys will be free, for y'all for any questions you might want to ask them.

Okay?

God, thank you for your grace and mercy to us.

Uh, help us to love well, help us to be loved so we can love well.

Um, help us learn what it means to uh give rules inside of a relationship.

Um, may all this be helpful on some level to our hearts and to our emotional health and also to those that we love.

In Jesus' name, amen.

So, Sam would love and invite us, if you are a parent of anybody who's over in Student Chapel, to walk over there and sing a couple songs with them.

Um, if you're not, thank you for being here.

And as well, these guys are here to talk and answer any more questions.

All right, thanks for being here.