Ephesians: Creating a Healthy Marriage

We're studying our way through the book of Ephesians.

We're in chapter five today.

We've been saying two things to begin each sermon.

The first is this Ephesians is about what God has done for us in Christ.

That's chapters one through three.

And then there's a transition in chapters four through six.

The transition is how we should live in light of it.

So we've been saying because of that, our walk with Jesus is not for God's love.

Our walk with Jesus is from God's love.

And today we're talking about marriage.

Whether you are married or you're single, or you're single again, or one day you'll be married, whether you're fulfilled or frustrated, I think we could all agree that we want good, healthy marriages for ourselves, for our friends, for our family.

There's a great marriage scene in the movie, The Incredibles, the animated movie.

It feels like real life to me.

The world is burning down all over the place in the superhero fro zone.

He cannot find his super suit.

So he blames his wife, and then his wife, you know, attacks back at him and he blames again, and back and forth.

They go.

We'll watch about a minute of it.

That's silly, but that does feel a lot like life.

Me transferring all of my frustration with life with myself, with some logistic, with some mess up as a car, and just transferring all that frustration onto my spouse.

I mean, I've never lost I've never really lost my AirPods, right?

Like Christy's just moved them.

Like I'm I've never, I would have never lost my airpod.

Like you've never lost your AirPods.

I'm sure you've never lost your AirPods.

It's just all it's just your spouse has moved them, right?

Anybody else lose their AirPods every day?

Yeah.

Right?

I have no idea where mine are right now.

They'll find me.

That's finally the conclusion I've come to is just you just keep living life.

Eventually they show back up as helpers.

So our passage this morning, Ephesians 5, let's jump into verse 22.

Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior.

Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Now that word everything means everything as it is moral and good.

And the word submission means to respect and to come under.

Point number one is this submission is each person living to give rather than to take.

Verse 21 is the transition phrase through this chapter and this passage, and it's introducing a section on relationships, this idea of how should we structure a marriage?

And verse 21 says this submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

So the principle of mutual submission gives birth to the application of the wife submitting to the husband's loving leadership.

And for Paul, a given role may hold authority, but everyone has worth.

And for Paul, all authority is always understood as love for the good of the other person.

I've been married to three versions of my wife.

When I proposed to her 22 years ago, I thought I knew her because we'd known each other since she was 14, and I was 15.

Here's a picture of us in early high school, little cuties there.

I mean, I knew her better than I knew probably anybody else.

So I married that cute, sweet Christian girl who loved Jesus and she loved other people, but really she had not found like her inner strength, right?

Like I could bulldoze her early in marriage.

And I was bulldozing her early in marriage.

I didn't even realize it.

I don't know if she really realized it all that much.

I just kind of bulldozed, and she was just, whatever, that's fine.

She was always ready, always willing to.

And everything changed.

And then we had children, and everything changed.

And she was a young mom, and she was also learning more about her identity in Christ.

And she had really firm opinions about how these babies should be raised and how the world should work.

And then she suddenly started to have opinions on politics and society and the church.

Right?

She was growing.

And I had to adapt.

Right?

To learn to love her.

And I was growing, she had to learn to adapt.

Now I'm married to a third version of my wife.

And she loves her girls, she'll let you know.

She loves me, she'll let me know.

She works and she's a boss at work, and so she's learned how to be a boss.

She's discovered what I always knew, and that is she's really smart and she's good with people.

So I married this passive Christian girl.

But now I'm married to this assertive, secure, kind Christian woman.

Right?

That relationship grows.

Any relationship grows.

You're gonna change, you're gonna grow.

The other person adapts, they change, they grow, you adapt to them, they adapt to you, you're growing together.

So I asked her, I said, Chrissy, can you put in a paragraph uh sort of like your thoughts on what it means that you're called to submit to me that I'm your husband?

Like what does that mean to you?

What did it mean to you early on, and then what does it mean to you 21 years later?

And here's what she wrote.

Early on, I thought submission was about me going along with your opinions, but I didn't realize how much you listened to me and are called to listen to me.

Surrender is now a huge word for me.

In full surrender to God's plan, I can trust the Holy Spirit to work things out in his timeline, not mine.

It is a surrender to the covenant I have chosen to enter in marriage.

God's plan is oneness, friendship, and companionship, even while the modern mind draws me toward freedom and choice.

And yet God knows it is best for me to submit to the covenant of marriage for oneness and companionship.

So I'm sort of wondering at this point in the passage and thinking about this, okay, well, what kind of husband is this submission occurring to?

What's he like?

Well, we get that, verse 25.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her with the washing of the water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Point number two is this husbands are to love their wives with one way love.

The word love here, Paul uses is agapio, which is unconditional love.

No cause, no repayment, one way.

Paul is saying, husbands, love your wives, give, give, give, give, and then give some more.

One way without recognition, no scorekeeping.

Serve, love, care, adore.

Here's how the commentary on this passage put it.

A husband should never use his headship to crush or stifle his wife or frustrate her from being herself.

He will give himself for her in order that she may develop her full potential under God and so become more completely herself.

That's how much the husband loves and is for the wife.

Now that's the husband the wife is respecting and coming under.

I love that because for Paul, authority has nothing to do with a domineering figure.

Authority is about loving responsibility.

Verse 31, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

The mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Twenty-two years ago in premarital counseling, our counselor Ronnie, way back then, he said to me, he said, Hey, the greatest need she will have from you is love.

And then he said to Christy, the greatest need he will have from you is respect.

That comes from verse 33.

Wives, respect your husbands.

Husbands, love your wife.

Point number three is this marriage is best when husband and wife are united, so they're one together, while independent.

They're rooted in Christ.

See that same counselor, Ronnie, he said this the best gift you can give your spouse is your spiritual independence.

I thought that was odd.

We were about to get married, we're gonna be one, and now he's telling us to be spiritually independent.

I think we could say it this way: the best gift you can give your spouse is your spiritual health with God apart from your spouse.

That's true for any relationship, by the way.

Because that other person, spouse, friend, parent, kid, cannot fulfill you.

They can't make you whole.

And as soon as you need that fulfillment or wholeness from them, they will disappoint you, you will be resentful.

But if you are connected but independent, you're attached, you're one, but you're independent.

Uh a psychologist, the Jewish counselor Edwin Freeman, he called this the differentiated self.

You're connected, but you're not enmeshed.

You're one, but you're still independent.

You're differentiated, you have an identity that is apart from this other person.

So you don't go to your spouse for something they were never created for.

You go to God for his acceptance of you, for your value, for your worth, your forgiveness, your contentment.

Now you can go into marriage and respect and love and care and deserve.

Early in our marriage, we were poor, like real poor.

Like I was trying to think about we had multiple children.

I think, I think I was making like$50,000 a year, multiple kids.

Uh, you can do the math.

Some of y'all are doing that math right now.

You know it's hard.

That's hard math to do.

So date night would come up, we'd pay the babysitter, Katie Sims at the time, Katie Sim Rall, she'd come over to our house in Grant Park.

She was a college kid, and we'd give her$35 to watch our kids, watch our babies, and we would go to Takeria.

We would order four tacos, a cheese dip, two waters.

We could not have dreamt of ordering a margarita.

We looked across at those other tables.

People were drinking six dollars times two, twelve extra dollars.

That was insane to think about.

So we paid$14.

So we're in at$49 for the date.

And then we go walk around a park.

We walk around Chastain Park, we walk around Piedmont Park.

The date was the babysitter.

Like the date was paying, just paying somebody to watch our children so we can get away and see each other, talk to each other, be together.

Just to leave the house together was amazing.

Now we leave whenever we want.

Older people, you know what I'm talking about?

Isn't that amazing?

It's amazing.

It's great.

But life is like a busy dance floor.

Like it's just full of logistics, it's chaotic, you're busy, there's a lot going on, so many steps on your foot, there's problems, right?

But in the only way you can see the dance floor is to get off the dance floor and you get up to a balcony and then you can look down on the dance floor.

And so I've been thinking about it this way how do we create balcony moments in our marriage where you get outside the logistics?

We have to have something beyond logistics.

I mean, if marriage or any relationship is just logistics, you'll drive each other crazy.

I mean, you could be doing the life of logistics with Jesus Himself, and you'll be frustrated.

Logistics are that hard.

So you have to create balcony moments where you get outside of that dance floor, off the dance floor, up in the balcony, and you can look down on it together.

Three possible ways.

Number one is a daily connection.

Maybe you take a walk, maybe coffee, sit on the porch, pray, devotion.

And you're saying, How are you today?

What happened today?

And then, second, how do you feel about what happened today?

And then if you don't know how you feel about what happened today, that means we need to grow in emotion and awareness of our emotions.

A Christian girl, you cake to your spouse, and you can grow.

For us early on, I married that sweet, passive Christian girl.

So she grew up thinking she was gonna marry the sweet Christian man and they're gonna wake up and have their coffee together and have their devotions together, gonna pray for each other.

It's gonna be so sweet.

Well, I don't like coffee and I don't like to talk in the morning.

So that died.

That just that died quick.

But we can walk together.

Like it doesn't matter what.

What I'm saying is like you can work it out.

You just have to have daily connection.

You need daily connection.

The second is a weekly moment, some sort of a date night, a dinner, a concert, a hike.

Something more than logistics.

The third is a periodic overnight.

Maybe you go camping, uh, maybe you get a hotel early on.

When priceline was a big deal when we were early married, I priceled a hotel buckhead for like 70 bucks, like, but it was nice.

We went camping a few times.

Uh uh, some adventure, something.

You don't have to spend money, make it cheap, but some shared experience outside your normal routine.

My friend Callie, she calls this, I see you and still like you.

Right?

Like, because logistics are just frustrating.

Finally, in our marriage, a few years ago, I said, Chrissy, we're talking about logistics together all week, and it's sort of driving me crazy.

And every time we talk, we're just talking about logistics.

So we start doing a Sunday night planning meeting.

So we have a Sunday night, sit down and let's review the week, especially when our children weren't driving, who needs to be where, let's assign it on the camera.

Let's just do 30 minutes of logistics, sit down, let's just have a planning meeting, like it's a business meeting, and then we don't have to just every time we talk to each other all week, it's just logistics, logistics.

I mean, that's horrible.

That's not fun, that's not enjoyable.

Let's do it all at one time.

See, what we need to be like, we gotta see through all those logistics every once in a while to see that other person.

Oh, I see, like, oh, I see you.

Like, there you are.

Like, life has made you, as Leon Morgan says, a real butthole.

But I see you.

Like, I see you, I like you, and I like you.

See, on the balcony, you can grow grateful.

On the balcony, you can you can see life, you can plan, you can be grateful for the past, you can think about the future.

My mentor, what he's instilled in me in 10 years, the last 10 years, is grace plus time plus vulnerability equals relationship.

And all that's really hard if all you're doing is relating on logistics.

But grace to each other, time with each other, so vulnerability in those moments.

That's what equals a relationship over time.

Last point is this our marriages, all relationships, whether married or single, all relationships reveal our need of grace, reveals our need of Jesus.

A few sentences from Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage.

When over the years someone has seen you at your worst and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him or herself to you wholly.

It is a consummate experience.

To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.

To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.

But to be fully known and truly loved is well a lot like being loved by God.

It is what we need more than anything.

It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us from any difficulty life can throw us.

This is how marriage is an image and a picture of the gospel itself, that we can be fully known by God and all our greatness and all the horrible parts of us, and he still loves us, that Jesus is enough for that.

So if you want to know how to have a healthy marriage, we just we look to Jesus.

We look to the gospel.

Jesus who sacrificed himself for the well-being of his beloved.

And as we discover our identity in Jesus more, the wealth of that, the security we have as individuals is that now we can go into marriage, serve, love, care, respect.

I used to read the Jesus Storybook Bible to my girls every night.

The first few drawings there in Genesis, the creation is perfect world, it's bliss.

Here's one of the images from the very beginning.

I mean, look, naked people with a lion.

I mean, that's the dream, you know, just to be naked with a lion.

And then Genesis 3 happens, right?

Sin happens.

And Adam and Eve decide that they don't want God as their creator.

They don't want to accept him as a sustainer or savior.

And sin enters the world.

And then we get the first sad scene.

And here's a picture of the sad scene as Adam and Eve are walking out of the garden.

Their backs are to us.

They're together, his arms are around her, she's near him.

And they may have been sad when they left the garden.

Toward them in their mess.

Remember, they were hiding?

Because they have clothes on them.

Right?

He moved toward them in their mess.

Remember, they were hiding.

And God moves toward them.

They didn't move toward him.

God moves towards just like he moves toward you in your mess, your relational mess.

Your relational mess is God moves toward you.

Where are you?

Right?

That's what he says, where are you?

And then what does he do?

He covers them.

He provides for them.

And it's that imagery that we have in Jesus.

Our sin is put upon the cross.

His righteousness is given to us.

We are covered.

We are covered.

I've always wondered about that conversation on the way out of the garden.

What's that conversation like?

Were they still blaming, or did they get over that?

Or are they like, I'm sorry?

I forgive you.

I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

That's a lot of marriage, by the way.

Just do that every day.

I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

I think also in that conversation, one of them probably said something.

I'm just guessing, it's not the Bible.

It says something like, I can't believe that he still loves us.

I can't believe he came and found us.

I can't believe he's compassionate.

I mean, so that that speaks directly to all of our relational messages.

All the way that you haven't upheld a marriage, or maybe I had a failed marriage, maybe it's your fault or their fault, I don't know.

But he loves you.

He clothes you.

And he clothes you today in the righteousness of himself, not in your righteous record.

That's what we're discovering.

See, the more we discover the secure identity we have as a beloved son, our beloved daughter, and the wealth that we have, and this provision of Jesus for our worth, our acceptance, our forgiveness, our righteousness, the more we discover that, the more we can go into marriage or any other relationship to respect, to care, to adore, and to love people.

That's pray to God.

Heavenly Father, thank you that you know us and love us.

It's not that you don't know us and love us, and it's not that you know us and refuse to love us.

You you know us and you love us.

Thank you for that one-way love that we have in Jesus that's not dependent upon our record or our performance.

Thank you that Jesus is enough for our forgiveness and righteousness this morning.

Help us discover even more the secure identity we have as your beloved sons and beloved daughters.

May this fuel how we go to respect and love and care and adore each other.

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.