Marriage Day 2025 Session One

So while Grahams just doing the furniture rearranging, I will.

Just I will. Explain why I'm like this

briefly. Basically, 2 1/2 weeks ago I had

a disagreement with the pavement and the pavement 1 Yeah.

Which is why I can't stand, I can't walk.

But for now I'm just, yeah, going a bit carefully.

So I wanted to explain that 'cause I don't want you to think

that me sitting down here a few inches below where Graham is

standing, is any statement on our position of men and women in

the church. Yeah, normally I would be.

She asked JJ for a higher one. But this this is the best one.

They didn't have a higher one. It's so good to be here.

We love coming to Blackpool. We love being with you guys.

Can we first of all, just ascertain when we were here?

About a year ago. It was last April.

Doing a marriage course. Put your hands up if you were

here. Right.

I think it You were here. Oh, yeah, I was here.

OK. Hands down.

I know this sounds silly. Put your hands up if you weren't

here. So it's about 5050.

OK, So what we're going to do this morning, we're going to

have a lot of fun. I want you to know that there's

some serious stuff here. But don't pull her leg.

Don't pull my leg. He has, hasn't he?

It's his only joke. He's proud of it.

Let him have it. So yeah, we're going to have a

lot of fun. We're going to hear some

hopefully good meaty stuff as well.

There will be quite a bit of overlap with what was said last

time. It never does any harm to hear

some things for a second time, but there will be some new stuff

as well. So it's a bit of a blend of the

old and the new. What we're also going to do is

ask that if you have any questions at all, and we would

encourage that. Can you bring your questions to

Jen? Is it during the break, lunch

break, whatever. And then we will, Jen will sort

of feel those. And if there are 50,000

questions, she'll pick out 4000, you know, that she thinks are

appropriate or whatever, she will feel them and maybe even

combine some of them, whatever. And she will.

We will then hopefully address those.

Yeah. So the first thing I want to say

is that as you know, all of you who you're all married.

Marriage is the gift that keeps on disappointing.

And it is. That's not what the Bible says.

That's not. What the Bible says No.

But let's face it, we want to honour marriage today.

And I love what Scott was saying.

Yeah, Ditto to all that. We want to honour marriage.

But marriage is flipping hard, isn't it?

Marriage is a struggle. Marriage can be incredibly

disappointing at times and when you get married you think it's

all going to be rosy and wonderful and perfect and that

you will not fall into the same trap that your mum and dad fell

into. But then the years go by and you

think, oh, this isn't quite what I thought it was.

Well, we want to give you some tools this morning to help you

be able to move forward. It does not mean that everything

is going to be perfect. Nothing in this life, this side

of eternity is perfect. And I want to stress that the

fact that Graham and I do these marriage seminars, days,

whatever, does not mean that we have got all the answers, does

not mean that we have got the perfect marriage.

Far from it. Far, far from it.

Far, far, far, far from it. Julie is saying, yeah, we've

stayed in her house. She knows what we're like.

But it, it, it's true. We want to come today from a

position of saying, yeah, it's a struggle, there are battles.

But we also want to come from a place of saying, but there is

hope. There is hope.

There is a way forward. And that's what we're going to

look at today are. We OK, I so we will try to

answer lots of questions. Probably not 5000, but do do

come to Jen during the coffee break and she'll let us have

those questions. We've been married 35 years as

of this weekend, so we've got plenty of material.

Much of it is funny. If you had even recorded our

journey from Liverpool to here, you'd be like, I am not going to

this marriage because these people should not be teaching us

anything. I love the worship.

I thought you just set us up so brilliantly.

Thank you so much. Because I, God was giving me

pictures and I, I had to go to JJ and say JJI need the headset

because I had a hand illustration that wouldn't work

withholding the the mic that Charlotte's got that she won't

relinquish now. But yeah, in worship, I just saw

kind of just you as an individual, me as an individual

with the Lord. And the Lord takes us and I, I

just was reminded how screwed up we're, we all are.

He isn't, he's perfect, but he takes us.

And then he just starts to unfold your screwed up life.

He transformed you, so you are made new, but there's still so

much old because we still live in this body, This body, not

just because I'm old, but this body is not the body I'm going

to end up with. I'm going to get this body

remade, a new creation. It's.

Not the body. I'm married either.

No, but pretty much so. The amazing thing is Jesus takes

us and starts to unfold us, I would say, but then adding to my

relationship with God, my relationship with Charlotte,

which isn't as important by far, but I see her more, spend more

time with her than I do with the Lord.

And So what happens is this screwed up thing that was

getting unfolded as as Jesus is taking hold of me, he's also

taken hold of her. And then she comes into my life

and I start to realise that I'm getting screwed up again here

because I can't quite work. Just me and God.

I'm just about getting the hang of it because he's so different

from me. Jesus came from heaven.

We love the book and would recommend it.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

If you haven't read it, get a hold of it.

But it basically says we're so different as men and women and

we are. We'll give you some

illustrations in a minute about the car journey today.

So this is a 35 year old material.

But as Jesus is unfolding us and and we then get married, he

starts to learn, we start to knit together as well as

knitting together with him. So it should look like that

eventually perfectly. Me and Jesus and Charlotte,

we're one, but actually we're too.

We're Mars and Venus, we're very different.

We speak different languages, we come from different planets, and

we think very differently. And so I'm going to just teach a

little bit into how do we handle these differences?

So Jesus says it this way. Why do you look at the speck of

sawdust in your brother's eye or your husband's eye should say

here and pay no attention to the plank in your own.

How can you say to your husband, let me take that speck out of

your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

And the word plank there is interesting.

It's it's a reinforced wooden beam.

So before Rs JS, is it RSJ reinforced steel.

Before reinforced steel, they used to have wooden beams that

held up houses. And that's the word that's being

used here. So it's a big, it's not just a

little pank, it's huge. Jesus is making a hyperbole

statement. You've got this huge problem and

you're trying. This is in your eyes.

You won't be able to see very well.

And you're trying to get rid of a little speck in your wife's

eye. I'm going to apply it to

husbands and wives here. How can you say to your husband,

let me take the speck up and all the time the plank is in your

own, you hypocrite. First take the plank out of your

own eye. Then you will see clearly how to

remove the speck from your lovely husband's eye.

So anything. Yeah.

So what? What happens is when you you get

married and you start to see each other's faults that you

probably haven't really noticed or appreciated beforehand, and

you think, hmm, yeah, that needs changing.

Yeah, OK, we need to deal with that.

And you draw up an invisible list in your head at the things

that are beginning to annoy you, irritate you, infuriate you,

wind you up, whether they're tiny little things or whether

they're big issues. And I think that the point we're

trying to make in this session, as Graham has said, is that

actually as believers, what God requires us to do is to look

first at ourselves. We actually on the journey here,

we're talking about this. And we were asking each other

what our planks were. And I mean, you know, I, I could

have gone on forever about, you know, what Graham's faults are.

He could go on you. Did you did go on forever the

whole journey? An hour and a half.

He you know equally could say several things that you know

equally. That is what?

Sorry. Yeah.

Well, on one finger, really. Yeah.

So, but we have learned and are still learning.

Still after 35 years, we are learning that actually just

trying to change the things in your partner, your spouse that

you want to change, you are going to largely end up banging

your head against a brick wall. And the reason for this is that

if we have a wrong focus in our lives and we look to get all our

affirmation from our spouse, we are going to be disappointed.

Our identity comes first and foremost from our relationship

with Jesus. So the very, very first thing I

really want to emphasise and if there's one thing that I want

you to remember about today, your take home thing, it's this.

Who are you in Jesus and who did Jesus say you are?

Because until you get that in place, you will not be able to

move forward fully in marriage. Don't mishear me.

Don't think that what I'm saying is soon as you get your

relationship with God sorted out, your marriage will be

perfect. That is not what I'm saying at

all. We are still fleshly beings and

we still need to keep coming daily to God and saying you need

to help me, you need to help me. I'm struggling with this.

But when you know who you are in Christ, when you deep down

understand that you are adopted into his family and that you can

do nothing to take that away and that you are His, then it is

utterly, utterly releasing. It is so releasing because you

think I don't have to prove anything.

I don't have to prove anything to myself, to my spouse, or to

all the other friends and family I know and the rest of the

church. I don't have to be labelled as

the person who can do this, achieve this, manage this, is

capable of this. I am who I am in Jesus.

End of. When you come to that place,

then it actually changes your marriage because you think I

don't have to win every argument, although it helps if

you can win some. I don't have to win every

argument. I don't always have to prove

myself right. If he is or she is having an off

day and is being a right pain in the backside, so be it.

So be it. You can still be the person God

intended you to be. And if both of you are living

like that, if both of you are living knowing who you are in

Christ and knowing that you are secure in your relationship with

Him, then that is the best foundation for your marriage.

Graham alluded to men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

We were given that book when we first got married.

We were also given another book which I thought had a really

weird title and I thought was very stupid, a Christian

marriage book. And it was called Love is a

Decision. And I thought, what on earth is

this? It was Americans.

They have to excuse them. Love is a decision.

And I thought love isn't a decision.

Love is about feelings and romance and excitement and et

cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I had a completely wrong view of

it. And what they mean essentially

when they say love is a decision is that you may fall in love.

At first you fall in love and it's all wonderful and your

heart's beating and it's roses round the door and everything.

But when the rubber hits the road and you have those

disagreements, you have a decision to make.

You either say, well this isn't what I thought it was going to

be, goodbye and walk away, or you say, no, I, I have decided.

I have decided to choose to love this person.

I have chosen to be in this marriage.

I am deciding to put work and effort into this marriage, even

if there being an absolute pain in the backside.

It's a decision. So knowing that really helps us

to move forward so. Sometimes when it's tough in

marriage, I, I think it's quite like the whole Kingdom of God,

the Kingdom of God advances, but as you think, wow, that's trying

to, you get opposition as you take steps forward with the

Kingdom. That happens to every Christian.

We, we move forward with God, but we feel like wow, we're

getting opposition sometimes. We were with some people the

other day and they were saying we're a bit worried because it's

going so well at the moment, because they're, they're

expecting, just enjoy it. The opposition will come again

soon enough. Just enjoy the blessing of not

having opposition. But the married life's like

that. It started 35 years ago for us

with Charlotte coming down the aisle and she, she was saying

she knew she had three things to do, walk down the aisle.

So she's going, oh, and then she had to kneel at the altar and

then we were going to sing a hymn together.

And so she's walking down the aisle saying I'll alter him.

Oh, to him. And even today, 35 years later.

Not true my. Driving's excellent, by the way,

and I set the cruise control at 75.

My finger slipped 75 and I have this lovely person trying to

alter me and saying you try to go right up to the edge of what

you think you might get away with, whereas you used to preach

that you should be on the other side, not right at the edge of

the mountain. You should be near the mountain

so you don't go over the edge. So we had this thing this this

morning. Now I think we both do it

actually. So when Charlotte's driving, I

don't like it that she stops at the roundabout and looks and

she, she even gets out and washes the windscreen before she

I I'm like, you're meant to flow on, then flow off.

Oh no, stop, look both ways. It's unbelievable.

So we have a different way of thinking even about how we

should drive. And I don't like the way she

drives, she doesn't like the way I drive, and we both try to

alter each other. But that isn't ultimately what

God wants for us. He wants me to just chill, which

is the only way I found that works for me is I have to sleep

when she's driving. If I sleep, I'm OK.

I, I can I wake up, I'm there and I haven't moaned and said,

you know, go a bit quicker. So yeah, she won't even drive 70

on the motor. So I'm like, do we have to go

55? We're not, we're not in, we're

not in 80s America. So we are so different that even

little things of 35 years of us driving each other does

actually. Still make us go.

Let me get rid of the speck in your eye.

So we were talking about what are specks in our eyes?

What are planks in our eyes? We'll probably get to that.

But if life's going tough in your marriage, you could think,

I bet he's lovely. I wish I was married to him

because the grass is always greener.

I was listening to a marriage talk this week that said the

grass is greener where you water it.

So if you put time into your marriage, your marriage will be

greener. That's the idea of a day like

today and you're doing that. Just being here today, you're

putting time into your relationship and I think it's

very helpful. You can't talk non-stop about

all your differences because it's just annoying because we're

so different. But it is lovely to little by

little understand each other a bit better.

And no, actually, this really blesses Charlotte and this

route. But we still do things that

don't bless each other, like the way we drive.

I think probably till our dying day, I don't know.

I haven't got a conviction from the Lord that I need to change

my driving Charlotte. Two driving tickets in the last

few years. The the the police helped me a

little but it was on my Rd. I live on a a main road in

Liverpool. We live on a main road in

Liverpool and they changed and I think they should have warned

us. They changed a red light camera

that had a thingy on it so I always stopped if it if it goes

yellow usually I speed up but I don't have the red light camera.

And anyway they changed the red light camera to a red light

camera and a speed camera. No one told me.

So about two weeks later I get 2 tickets come through 2 tickets

and I think my my friends go it's OK you can get rid of one

of them. Do a speed awareness course.

So I ring up the police say can I do a speed awareness course?

They said we only allow a certain leeway.

You were over the leeway. You have to take your six

points. That was 100 years ago.

My points are off my licence. But Charlotte won't forget it

And we actually you probably already can get this.

We have a lot of fun together. Well, a lot of the fun is just

that we're so different and we think differently and but we

also do loads of things the same and have a lot of laughter in

our house. Yeah.

So we are different in most ways.

We agree on many things. We disagree on the number of

things. And also, there's a big

difference, broadly speaking, between the way men process and

think things through and the way women think and process things.

Men are motivated when they feel needed and respected.

That's what a man likes to feel to, to know that he is loved.

Women, however, are motivated when they feel cherished.

So over this last 2 1/2 weeks, while I've been, although I'm

mobile now, for the first couple of weeks I was basically

immobile and I would come down the stairs on my backside every

day, sit on the sofa with my foot up because there was

nothing I could do. And Graham is has been very,

very good at looking after me. He's had to do cooking, which he

hates doing. He's had to water my plant from

the garden, a number of things which he really, really doesn't

like doing, and I know that that is his love language.

I want to talk briefly about the love languages which we did

mention last time, but I feel this is something very key that

helps us get some tools and understanding about moving

forward. There are 5 love languages and

you will have one or possibly 2 which are your personal key

ones. These five love languages are

words of affirmation, quality time, I always forget one,

physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts.

So broadly speaking, words of affirmation is about expressing

affection through spoken words, praise, encouragement, building

somebody up by what you say and how you say it as well.

You can feel very complimented, you can feel very honoured and

it cherishes you and it does you good when you hear words of

affirmation. Quality time I like.

The way you wear your glasses on your head.

That didn't work. OK, I, I I'll take it out the

notes. And quality time speaks for

itself when the other, you know, when you value somebody's

presence, I mean presence as in them being there with you, when

you know they have time for you, when they sit down and talk and

engage with you in meaningful interactive ways.

Physical touch, again, speaks for itself.

Some people, that's their key one and they really need to feel

physical touch from their spouse.

Acts of service, this is very much Graham's one, is doing

things that you know will serve and help and bless your partner.

Even the sort of grim things like taking out the bins and

unloading the dishwasher and watering the plants, all that

kind of stuff. And Graham is really good at

doing that. And we have a number of times in

the past come a cropper when I have said to Graham, but you're

not valuing me, you're not cherishing me, You're not being,

you know, attentive. He said, But look what I've

done. I've done this and this and this

and this and this. And I have to think, Oh yeah,

that's his language. It's not necessarily my

language. The chances are you will both

have different love languages. And if you can work through the

five love languages and look at them, they're all online,

they're fairly readily available, and work out which

your love language is, then this is what will happen.

You will know that if your love language is quality time and

your spouse's is acts of service.

You will know that he sorry if yours is quality time, you need

that from your partner. It doesn't necessarily mean that

your partner needs it from you and vice versa.

So you need to know not only your own love language, but it's

essential that you know your spouse's love language so that

you can honour and respect and love them in the way that they

feel is important to them, even if it wouldn't particularly mean

anything to you. I haven't mentioned receiving

gifts. That's another one that speaks

for itself. If we were to say what are our

love languages, Graham, what are yours, I would.

Well, I think I speak acts of service, but I think I want

physical touch, yeah. I want all 5 basically, but

yeah, my main one I would say is words of affirmation.

So one of the things you can do when you go away this evening is

look at these and work out which is yours and which is your

spouse's, and then talk about it and say, hey, you know, when you

do that, what does that make you feel?

You know, when I do that, how does that make you feel?

So ask each other questions about them.

And then even though one of you speaking Esperanto and one of

you speaking Chinese, you will start to be able to relate

better. Yeah, so.

You'll often meet people and they say, well, he never gets me

any gifts. She gives him lots of gifts

because her love language is giving presents, giving gifts

and he doesn't particularly love them because he doesn't need

that. So somehow you've got to learn

each other's strengths, weaknesses, each other's, the

way, the way you're blessed. So we we didn't do it today, but

most days we start the day together.

Our kids have left home. They're 28 and 31 now, and we

start the day with breakfast and four games of cards, and that is

joyful for us. Four different games of cards,

Monopoly deal. It's probably my strength.

Hers is called golf, rummy, blackjack, doesn't matter, It's

spending time together. We enjoy doing it.

We often can't even remember who won and who lost, although we

have a lot of banter about who won and who lost during the 20

minutes we're playing cards and eating breakfast.

We never did that when our kids were little.

It's a different season. We haven't got kids that running

around going Daddy, mummy, so don't think why don't you play

cards with me because I've got a little child hanging on my leg.

Look, I can't even move it. Different seasons make a huge

difference in your marriage, and it's just one thing that we can

do now. However, we don't tend to play

cards when our grandson comes over every Tuesday, which is a

joy. But we're both exhausted by the

end of the day because we're 30 years older than when we had

little kids and we why did we find it so easy?

Life moves on and changes and you've got to learn your

strengths, your weaknesses. This this week we did really

well. On Tuesday, Charlotte still

couldn't actually walk. She had a foot in a boot.

So I was doing everything for Charlotte.

Reuben hits 2 1/2 came round, did everything for Reuben, which

is a joy. But I woke up Wednesday

exhausted and I said to Charlotte, I just need to be on

my own. I I no.

You didn't, you said. Don't talk to me.

Don't talk to me alone. I said it nicely, I'm sure.

So I, I had run out of any energy left and I, I felt a

little bit depressed probably is the word I was, I felt like I

was on the edge. Now you need to know that about

yourself. Actually.

I just feel a bit weird. I feel exhausted or it's very

important to kind of not only know yourself but also share

with the wife. So Charlotte, she was brilliant,

left me pretty much on my own and I felt really recovered

after a Wednesday watching Channel 4 drama.

And I was sewing my tracksuit that I, I wanted to do for

probably a year. And I spent ages doing this

sewing. And I really, I don't normally

sew, it's not very manly. I realise that, I, I realise you

suddenly all look down at me now I'm emasculated, it's OK.

But because actually it was what I needed on Wednesday.

And then by Wednesday evening I was able to cook tea again and

Charlotte had done quite well, pushing herself to try and walk

on her. But she's been told by the

physios try and walk on it, so yeah.

Yeah, so one of the things that will set you up for a fail is if

you look at another couple in church or elsewhere and think we

need to be like them. I can also tell you that couples

that you see in church who seem to be wonderful and perfect,

they will have their shoes too. They just are good at masking

it, dealing with it. I'm not saying that there aren't

people out there with excellent marriages.

I'm sure there are and there are.

But don't set yourself up for a fail by finding somebody and

thinking that's what we need to be like.

Like Graham said, there are different seasons in life.

So it what's great about being in this room is we've got

everything by the looks of it, from people with little tiny

ones to those of us that are grandparents and you know, all

ranges in between. You need to find what works for

you. You need to find whether it's a

lunchtime together when the kids are at school or or nursery or

wherever and you, you know, have lunch together or go out for a

walk together. You need to find whether it's

when the kids are down at 8:00 at night and you decide, right,

let's have popcorn and film night.

Whatever it is, there is no perfect right answer.

And part of the joy of whatever it is comes from you discussing

it together because it unites you and it bonds you.

And you need to be able to make time in your marriages to

actually say, well, is there anything about me that's upset

you recently? Oh no, I tell you on the car

journey back, I've got. A long listen, is there anything

that's upset you and then that well, actually, and then listen

and respond and reflect back. Don't fight back.

Reflect back. That's different fighting back.

Is it me if you're going, no, that wasn't me, it was my fault,

that was your fault. That's fighting back.

Reflecting back is repeating it and say, oh, I see.

So you're saying that you felt upset because I didn't write.

OK, I I hear what you're saying. So learn the difference between

fighting back and reflecting back.

You also would find it beneficial in those times to

talk about your loved languages and how you're both doing in

those and seeing where you want to move forward.

Well, I'm going to try and be a bit more like this or I will try

and be a bit less like this. Whatever it is, talk to each

other, but also listen to each other.

It's an awful lot easier to talk than to listen, isn't it?

If you think about the number of people that you come across in

your daily life, at work, at school, in the home, place,

church events, wherever, if you think about it, we probably

mostly do talking and much less listening.

Listening is an incredibly hard skill, a very, very hard skill.

And it's not just looking at somebody blankly and waiting

till they've finished. All right, you've finished now.

OK, Right. Well, I want to tell you about

what happened to me. That's not listening, that is

just waiting. It's a real skill.

So learn the art of listening, learn the art of reflecting back

and make a bit of time for each other.

It may not be that you can do it every day, every week, or you've

got to work out well. It may be every second Tuesday.

Whatever it is, there's no right or wrong.

We'll go for a break. We'll pick it up in quarter of

an hour, but please see Jen, if you've got any questions you

want us. We're very flexible, very happy

to talk into what questions you'd like answered.

We'll pick up on the the five love languages.

I would say we all have a bit of all of them.

I don't particularly like gifts, but when I get a gift, I think,

oh, that's nice, but I was so bad at the gift thing that it

would be Christmas Eve And I think, Oh my word, I haven't got

Charlotte a Christmas present. And and I rushed to the shops

that there's no nothing on the shelves Christmas Eve.

Except for the one year when you even didn't do that.

You gave our daughter your credit card.

Well. That was wisdom.

She. She's good at finding.

You. Not that I'm bitter about it.

Not. Bitter at all.

She's forgiven me but but actually we all have a bit of

all these different things and we'll talk into things that have

been really good in different seasons of our life when we come

back. But any questions to Jim,

please. And we'll be back in quarter of

an hour, OK.