What's Next? : Friends Worth Finding | Matt Roden | Part 3 of 4

Uh join me uh in welcoming everybody who's joining in on YouTube, our podcasts, and wherever you are.

Welcome on in.

Thanks for being here.

Glad you're with us.

Um before I get started with the message, if you don't, if we haven't met, my name is Matt.

I'm one of the pastors here at Santa Cruz Bible Church.

We're so glad you're here.

Uh, we are collecting questions from you for our next series.

It's called QA.

And the whole thing is based on your questions.

So if you don't send any questions, we have to make them up, um, which is kind of fun.

But anyway, but um, but we're really answering your questions.

You can ask anything, it's anonymous.

And if you want to scan that QR code right now where you are, uh, if you're online, you can do that as well.

Um, or we're gonna we put this out on our socials all week.

So in case you miss it, just follow us on social and you'll see it pop up again.

And you can send in, uh, I think up to like three questions or something.

Like it just you can send in whatever you want.

And uh, and we're gonna kind of take the ones, we're gonna take our best attempt at answering these questions.

But that's our next series coming up, is tackling some of the bigger questions about faith, God, life in general, anything like that.

And before you ask, I don't know really anything about dinosaurs, but you're welcome to ask.

So, anyway, so um, someone always asks about I think we've already gotten the question about dinosaurs or something.

I'm like, I don't know anything about dinosaurs.

Anyway, so uh whatever.

But uh let me ask this question to kind of kick us off.

How many of you remember your first night you stayed at a hospital?

Just show of hands.

How many of you remember the first night you stayed at a hospital?

Now, some of you may not remember because maybe you've never been, or you were really young, or you were just that out of it.

You know, you kind of woke up there like a couple days later, like, what happened?

Right?

You know.

Um, but for me, uh, nothing makes you appreciate home more than staying at a hospital.

So if you're ever just tired of just like, man, I'm just tired of being home, go stay in the hospital for a night.

You'll be like, I love my bed and my home so much.

Anyway, mine was only seven years ago.

The first time I'd ever done this.

I had uh over one summer, I had two surgeries for severe sleep apnea.

If you don't know what sleep apnea is, it basically means you sleep next to someone who looks like this.

So, yeah, there you go.

Kind of like that.

Um, so if you're sleeping next to someone who looks like that, they probably have sleep apnea.

And the first surgery I had to have, it's a little gross, but it was they had to take my tonsils out because I did not uh do that when I was a kid.

And if you haven't done that, the longer you wait, the worse it is, right?

The surgery gets like worse and worse as you get older.

And so they were like, this is not gonna be great for you.

And I was like, awesome.

So I had to stay overnight at the hospital, and I thought, well, I can't eat, you can't eat food after the surgery, but I can have popsicles.

And the way I was just trying to make the best of this is I thought, well, here's what you get to do you get to watch late night TV and eat popsicles like you were 12 years old all over again.

So let's just make the best of it, right?

So that night is going on.

My wife carries there, and eventually she has to leave to go be with the kids, and eventually I'm kind of getting tired finally, and I'm like, okay, good, I can try to sleep.

And so I go to sleep, and sometime later I wake up, and the reason why I woke up is because I cannot breathe at all.

Now, after that surgery, you can't breathe through your nose for quite a while, and um, so I couldn't breathe through there, but when your airways close up, that ain't good either, because then you really can't breathe at all.

So I start gasping, I'm like pulling myself up, trying to breathe.

I start slamming on the nurse button, and then just like a scene out of the pit, everyone comes running in there.

Uh, and and I'm I'm trying to, I'm like, I can't like they're like, what's wrong?

And I'm like, you know, it's like when you're, you know, it's like I can't like when your dentist like talks to you when they have stuff in your mouth.

Like, how are things going at work?

You're like, uh, I'm like, why are you doing this?

Like, this is like just something you know.

So they're asking me all this stuff, and I'm like, it's pretty obvious what's wrong.

They inject me with something, and at some point I was able to breathe, but I had a pretty much a panic attack out of nowhere.

I mean, came out of a dead sleep, and all of a sudden, and the reason why the panic attack happened because I was alone, I was scared, I was struggling, uh, I was suffocating all at once.

And I have never been happier to see someone rush in a room and help me than in that moment because I really didn't know what I was gonna do.

Now, why did I bring up this story?

Are we having like a live therapy session?

Like, what happened?

No, I bring this up because have you noticed that really in life there are things that can kind of happen out of nowhere and happen quickly that suddenly have you feeling helpless?

That something that just happens and now you feel alone, you feel scared, and you're struggling all at once.

And maybe, maybe you've been fortunate enough to have moments in your life when something like this happens that someone comes in to support you or help you.

But let me put this another way.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were alone, scared, and struggling, and no one was there?

And that's a dark place, but it's a very common one nowadays.

It reminds me of this passage I brought up a few weeks ago, Ecclesiastes 4 9, that says this.

It says, Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.

If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.

But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

And a couple weeks ago, I brought up this passage because we were mentioning a round table service we did last fall where we had these round tables and we had this time for discussion, and we asked everyone, what are the pressing issues that you or your community are facing?

And really, two things came out of that is that people said they were stretched in financially and that they were very basically starving.

I'm sorry, they were stretched in financially.

I think I said that right, I'm not sure.

And um, they were struggling and trying to starving relationally, they were really longing for deeper friendships than the ones that they have.

Um, because none of us want to be alone or scared or struggling or have a moment where you need support and you don't have it.

Um, nobody likes to be vulnerable and need help, but there are times that that happens and you sure want to make sure you have the right people in your life.

Um, but there's a step you have to take to do that.

I remember my uh, you know, people telling me a long time ago, like, well, if you want a friend, you have to be a friend, you know, kind of stuff.

There's always those steps that you have to do that are kind of uncomfortable, to be honest.

Like a little, but they're the things that you have to do, the steps you have to take to know that you have support when things fall apart.

And the steps that we're afraid to take, but really need to take have been the theme of this series we've been in called What's Next?

Because we've been talking about steps that really anybody can take uh when their spiritual life is stale or stuck or starting out.

These are steps that you'll never regret taking, but they might require a little bit of discomfort along the way for you.

Um, and on this one, I really just want to think about this question.

What is it that you really need regarding relationships?

What's the support that you're looking for?

We all have family, we have friends, acquaintances, things like that.

But what do you need for actual real life support?

And there's a passage that I think about when I think about this question in the in the scriptures that really give us some good guidance about what these healthy relationships can look like in someone's life.

And I want to show this one to you.

It's Hebrews 10, starting verse 23, and says it this way.

It says, Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works, and let us not neglect our meeting together as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now the day of his return is drawing near.

So in that passage, the writer is kind of laying out some kind of guidepost for what a good healthy community kind of looks like, what good friendships look like.

And if you boil down really what he's saying, I'm gonna kind of just boil it down to these four things that are in this passage.

He says, Let us hold tightly to hope.

That's one of them.

Two, let us motivate each other to acts of love and good works.

Three, let us not neglect meeting together.

And then four, encourage one another.

Now, I'm gonna say right out front that I don't know that one person can do all of this for one other person.

I think there's other people that you kind of have.

Not everyone can do all this, but I think it's important that we look at some of this in light of the relationships that you have currently, especially your friendships.

And let me think about the last one because this is an easy one.

We're just gonna pick that last one and get it out of the way because this is the easy one that everyone likes.

Encourage one another.

We all know we need encouragement, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it outright.

You need people who can encourage you.

You just do, right?

Because all of us face discouragement, depressing seasons, disappointment in life.

And you need someone who believes in you and can help lift you up when you're down.

You need someone really that can help you when you feel helpless, that really can help you focus when you feel off track.

I mean, if you think about the word encourage literally means to put courage in someone else.

To literally put in courage in someone else.

First Thessalonians 5.11 puts it this way: encourage each other and build each other up.

Just as you were already doing.

A phrase that came from Scripture to build up another person, because the idea is that life is constantly trying to break us down, and that we need people in our life that can help build us up when we really don't know that we can do that on our own.

So I'm just gonna ask this question.

Easy, this is a softball.

Who encourages you?

And who are you encouraging?

Right?

It's just an easy question.

Who encourages you and who are you encouraging?

Something to think about because we all need encouragement, and a lot of times the people that build us up are the people that's how you know you have a good friend.

Now that's the one we all like.

Because it's nice to be encouraged, that feels good.

But sometimes it doesn't feel nice to be challenged when someone kind of tells you to do something hard and you're or invites you to do something challenging, and you're kind of like, I don't know, that doesn't feel the same as being encouraged.

But if you look at the other three things, I want to look at this passage, the other three points he said, he says, let us hold tightly to hope, let us motivate each other to acts of love and good works, let us not neglect meeting together.

I want you to think about this.

If someone is challenging you or inviting you to hold on to hope when you just feel like you want to give up, that can be challenging because I'm afraid right now.

If someone is telling you, hey, maybe we should you should love this person who's difficult, that is challenging because you may not be motivated to do that.

If someone mentions serving someone in need, hey, we should go do this, that can be challenging because I'm busy.

If someone challenges you to show up here or show up there instead of staying home, that could be challenging because I'm tired.

Right?

I mean, these are things that these are all good gentle pushes in the right direction, but sometimes we just don't like those gentle pushes.

And if you're a person that just likes to be encouraged, but you don't appreciate a little gentle challenge from someone who loves you and cares about you, I'd like to gently push you to reconsider.

Right?

Because let me ask you this, and think about this.

There are default modes that we get in that you it's helpful to have someone to kind of kick us out of those modes.

Let me let me when I talk about default mode, just think about this for a second.

I'm gonna give you two options.

Which one do you think is easier for you to be?

It's easier for me to be negative, self-focused, and withdrawn.

Or is it easier for me to be hopeful, empathetic to others, and dedicated?

Now, I I had to ask myself this question, and I obviously the first one for me is a little bit more of default, but I kind of flow between the two given the situation.

But I know when I get too heavy in the first, it's helpful to have someone kind of push you out, right?

I but I think I'm just being honest with you, when we're discouraged, it's easier to be negative, isn't it?

I'm just disappointed, I'm just done, I just don't know what how else to see the situation.

I think when we feel depleted, it is easier to feel like I am not going to be giving anyone anything at all.

I'd have nothing to give.

And I think regarding dedication, I think if it's Sunday, it's easier to sleep in, right?

And I'm kidding on that one, but honestly, when we're tired, hey, you ever notice you get in a mode where you just start skipping things, like appointments and commitments and just different things?

I'm just gonna kind of do this and that, right?

And we kind of get in this mode, you know, where we're just kind of just kind of withdrawn.

And I think if someone lovingly motivates you to be more hopeful, to be more loving, to be more dedicated, that's a healthy relationship.

Now, I'm gonna go ahead and just tell you, because I know some of you struggle with being challenged, but uh you probably have good reason to struggle with being challenged.

Because maybe can someone aggressively or arrogantly challenge you?

Sure.

And maybe you've dealt with that before, right?

Someone said something really insulted you, and you're like, Yeah, I'm not listening to that, right?

Can someone challenge you all the time?

Sure.

Yeah, that's not a great friend, right?

Constantly telling you what you're doing wrong, that's not great.

Can someone um have a savior complex and treat you like a project that they want to fix?

Yeah, right?

They come in like, come and let me give you my wise advice.

And you're like, Yeah, I'm good.

I'm gonna pass.

I don't want to do that, right?

And we've had those before where someone suddenly you feel like you're someone's project.

You're like, yeah, not doing this, right?

And any good thing can be done in a bad way.

That's just the truth about life.

Any good thing can be done in a bad way, but if you just look at the bad and go, that's why I don't do the good, you're missing out on the good.

And you don't need to miss out on the good.

Most people want to show you that they care by offering any help that they can with humility and kindness.

Usually they're pretty kind about it.

They're not trying to insult you, they're usually kind of humble, kind of saying, Yeah, I struggle with this too.

You know, those type of things.

And you may do that for other people, but you need to let people do that for you.

Um, I don't want to be sexist in here, but I would like all the fellas who are listening and whatever to just listen to this next statement because I just think it needs to be said and heard, that it is healthy to talk about your challenges, it is healthy to talk about where you need help, and it is healthy to ask for help.

And I know, like, yeah, thank you.

Thanks, Mom.

Appreciate that.

Anyway, I was kidding.

That's not my mom.

Anyway, but I'm just saying, uh, but it is a real thing with men who just are like, nope, I have to be tough.

We have to look like we have it all together, and we have to have, oh, I'm good.

You know, let's talk about sports and sports and sports and sports and sports, and nobody ever talks about anything real.

And the thing is, is because you don't want to look like I'm weak.

I don't want to look like I'm no, look, it's healthy to be able to talk about, man, I'm just going through it right now.

And I I could use some help, or I just don't know what to do.

And let me just say on the other end, it's helpful and it's healthy to not have all the answers and just be there to support someone.

You don't have to know all the answers, you don't even have to know what to do sometimes.

It's just being there with someone and letting them just talk about it is sometimes the greatest thing you can do, right?

Some people have positioned their relationships, perhaps unintentionally, but maybe strategically, to keep the door open for encouragement.

But the second challenge shows up, they slam the door on that relationship, they block the number, they do the thing, right?

They just go, nope, well, nope, I'm not gonna be told, no one tells me what to do, right?

That kind of stuff.

And and the thing is, what happens is you're missing out on growth.

Then you wonder why you're stuck and you're going, like, why can't, you know, I can't seem to move forward.

It feels like things aren't getting better, it feels like I'm not growing as a person.

It's because you may not be willing to grow as much as you think you are.

People who genuinely support you are the safest places you can be to face hard challenges.

Let me just say that again.

People who genuinely support you are the safest places to face some of these hard challenges and changes that we're trying to go through.

So the question is who's helping you grow?

Who's helping build you up?

A person does not have to be a therapist or a pastor, it's just be a normal person.

But are they helping you move forward?

As a church, we realize especially when you talk about people of faith, one of the challenges to this is really that no one's helping a lot of folks grow.

Like I, like, for example, I know some Christians, I think, that, or I know some church people that go to church somewhere, but there's no relationship that's kind of where we talk about any of that.

And for a lot of people, especially here in Santa Cruz, it's kind of hard to find people to talk about your faith at all because you don't want to, you know, get kicked out of the restaurant or, you know, seem weird or whatever, because the second I bring this up, I don't want someone to be offended or or whatever, but I kind of do want to talk about it because I'm kind of wrestling with some stuff, right?

And so for us as a church, one of the things that we do, and I just want to side note this just so you're aware of this, is we open environments every semester that are basically built around growth to help people connect.

Like today, like uh we're we've opened up registration for this stuff, but um in September, like one of the things we have is this monthly workshop about applying spiritual wisdom to everyday life.

And our own Darcy Morris is gonna be leading that one.

Uh, we have a monthly gathering around Christian beliefs and how those and life decisions, Christian life decisions and what those look like today.

And Scott Newman, our own Scott Newman is gonna be doing that one.

And our own Paul and Karen Hensey are offering up a study on the book of Mark, right?

Which is uh if you want to just kind of dig into scripture and talk about that with some other people, you can do that.

It's just about finding people moving in the same direction.

I'm just gonna kind of put a QR code on the stage.

Of course, if you're watching online or you're here, you can scan the thing in a seat in front of you, uh, or you can really just go to our website, whatever you want to do, and just let us know that we're interested.

We're gonna be kind of hosting these signups, gathering people together, but those are here for you.

But it's just important that we make you aware that we're not doing these for fun.

We do these because they're they're opportunities for people who are trying to find each other and find some kind of like-minded direction and connect and help you move forward in your faith.

Now, for some of you, the big step that you're taking right now is getting out of your warm, cozy bed on a Sunday morning and showing up to a service, right?

Which is a big deal.

And I think a lot of you who are doing that, I know some of you, you you know, you're not like the second the service is over, you're not racing to the car and peeling out of the parking lot, you know, whatever.

Um you're hanging out a little bit, like hang just trying to connect with some people, like, hey, I'm new to the area, or I just started at UCSC, or I just whatever it is, and I just want to connect with some people and just get to know some people.

That's a good thing.

And that for you, that's a step to trying to find people who can help you move forward.

And I I think that's great, and I applaud that too.

And just know that our staff and volunteers are always here to help you do that.

So the question is are you in a situation that this writer was talking about?

Maybe you want to give up and you need some hope, or maybe you're tired.

You're too tired to show up, you're too busy to help anyone, you feel stuck.

Do you need support, prayer, or encouragement?

And the Bible tells us to find friendships that help you grow.

The Bible actually describes them as these forward-leaning, uses the word deep-spirited friendships.

Let me show you one more passage.

And this is kind of a weird one because the apostle Paul's talking to this church and he's trying to encourage them to find forward-moving friends or find friends that help you move forward.

But he kind of like sets this up in kind of an interesting way.

This is what he says here in Philippians 2.

Paul says, think about what we have in Christ, the encouragement that he has brought us, the comfort of his love, our sharing in his spirit, and the mercy and kindness he has shown us.

And if you enjoy these blessings, then do what will make my joy complete.

And I'm gonna pause there before he says.

What that is.

Because Paul's basically kind of telling him look, think about the blessings of a spiritual life.

Think about the fact that God encourages you.

Think about his presence that gives you comfort.

Think about the spirit that gives you guidance.

Think about his mercy and kindness that he shows to us every single day, all day long.

And Paul says, if you're benefiting from these things, then do me one favor.

And think about what do you think that favor is going to be, right?

This is what he says in Philippians 2.

Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.

He tells them, listen, don't just come, sit next to each other, and leave.

Get to know the people around you.

Because here's the thing we get this great encouragement from God, but let's give it to another person too.

We get this comfort from God.

Let's give other people comfort too.

We get this mercy and this kindness from God.

Let's spread that around too.

So what Paul's telling us is take these good things and spread them out toward each other.

Come together, help each other, care for each other.

What does deep-spirited friends mean?

It means building friendships with deep roots.

And see, that's the challenge.

Because a lot of us have friends and acquaintances, but they're not deep-rooted at all.

It's all surface stuff, it's all kind of shallow water stuff, which is fine.

But you gotta have some of that deep root stuff.

And to do that, you gotta engage those conversations because we need friendships that can get into the challenges that we face with our faith, our growth, life.

And sometimes we just need the wisdom of each other to just go, man, I'm just going through this.

I have no idea what to do.

That's okay to do.

Relationships that actually make us better.

So let me ask, are you going through life alone?

Let me ask you a better question.

Are you looking to change that?

Or are you fine where you are?

Because all of us can get more withdrawn, more self-focused, more downcast.

That's easy to do.

But do you want to get out of that and have some relationships that help you grow and help you get better?

There are people out there, I know you maybe maybe don't believe this.

And again, I don't know that one person fills all this for you.

But there are people that will help you hold on to hope.

There are people who will help you be the person that you want to be and try to encourage you when you feel like you want to quit.

And there are people who will help you keep showing up and stay on track, right?

Those people that, like, well, I'm going, or you going?

And you're just like, uh, but I need to go.

I feel this way about the gym all the time.

There's nothing that makes me want to go, right?

At all.

All right.

Oh, cool.

I get to experience pain and sweat, and that's it.

For an hour, you know, whatever.

But then when someone's like, Here are you going?

Are you doing it?

It does help you, right?

It's like, I want to go.

Oh, okay.

Well, yeah, I don't want to do it, but I need to go.

And then what happens?

You go, you're glad you did.

It's like when you volunteer at the food pantry or you show up to do something else, or even showing up on a Sunday, hey, I'm going to church.

Are you going to church?

You're like, I was going to go to pillow, bedside, Baptist church, or whatever.

Like, you know, I was going to go to whatever this is, which is really just me sleeping in.

And it's like, I don't want to go, but I'm going to go.

Like, and it helps.

And then you're glad that you went.

Like, I needed to do that, right?

There's just people that just gentle pushes in the right direction.

It doesn't mean they're giving you these big, long, wise answers to your problems.

You know?

And if you have a friend like that that's a constant fortune cookie, yeah, that's weird, right?

And it's just a normal person that's just kind of like loves you and cares about you.

My question is, do you have them?

And if not, what are you doing to find them?

As a church, we want to offer constant opportunities, constant conversations to help you find them for those.

And I believe genuinely that if you're a person who's asking God for help, I genuinely believe God guides those who are searching all the time.

But it all starts with a decision to find the friendships that you need.

Let's pray together.

Father, we just come to you in this time, and I just ask.

I know for many people it's hard when we look at our friendships and we look at our relationships and we just go, man, I just don't have a lot of surface, I have a lot of acquaintance, I have a lot of this.

I just don't have people I can open up with, though, and just be real and just really talk about what I'm going through.

And I know for men in particular, this is a lot harder.

Because there's just that challenge with even talking about certain things or opening up about certain things.

But God, would you just work on all of our hearts and help guide us to the right people?

People that we could trust, people that will care for us and support us.

And we know that those relationships take time to build.

They're not just going to start immediately, but when it's time to text them, when it's time to call them, that we will do it, that we will take the lead and setting up the coffees and setting up the stuff because I want to keep moving forward.

I want to have the right people around me.

And for some, it's like iSchool.

They're just hanging around people that drain them, drag them down all the time.

And it's just depressing sometimes.

And they need to be around someone that can just help push them in in the right direction and maybe build them up versus draining them.

And I pray that you help them to find those people, to make a shift.

Not that we're cutting off anybody, but that we're just shifting our focus to the friends that I need right now in this time.

God, I pray that you guide all of those listening to the right people.

Pray that you be with these opportunities and bless them that we're offering as a church to just help kind of accelerate that process for people.

But Father, we thank you that for every person listening to my voice right now, there are other people out there available to care, available to support.

But we have to take that uncomfortable step of seeking it out.

Bless everyone who does.

In the name of Jesus, we pray.

Amen.