Are you being too Defensive?

We are in a relationship series. We didn't know what to title it, so we just called it a marriage series, but then I realized it's more than marriages. It's all relationships in general. We need to grow. There are certain patterns that we employ in our relationships that take us in the wrong direction, but I believe the Bible and also believe a lot of pragmatic psychology can help us get to the place where, socially and relationally, we are strong and fulfilled.

And last week we started a conversation on what we call the four horsemen- that's what John and Julie gotman called them in relationships. The Four Horsemen- these are the things that, I think 80 to 90% of the time predict divorce in marriages, but I think 100% of the time these things are problematic in our relationships. Last week, anyone remember what we talked about? The idea of CR criticism? Y'all were here.

That's okay. I forgive you, it's good. This is part of relationships, as I forgive you for not remembering this sermon that I spent hours prepping last week. That's okay. No, we talked about criticism.

Criticism how there's one person generally in a relationship who tends to be the more critical. They'll bring up stuff once in a while, once every day, 10 times an hour whatever. Whatever the rate is, they'll bring stuff up right, and we talked about how that is problematic in a relationship: to have a critical mindset, and we don't want to have a critical mindset now. There's a opposite side of the coin when it comes to the four horsemen, and the one we're going to talk about today is not criticism. It is our typical response to criticism.

Now, if you're married, this will be helpful for you. If you're not married, I need you to hear this will still be helpful for you. If you're in a relationship, how many of you work at a job and you have a boss? Half of you, that's good. That's good.

There's a relationship there. These things are problematic in those relationships. How many of you have any kids? These are problematic in that one too. And friendships and whatever you got, this will be helpful for you.

I do want to give two clarifiers. The first clarifier is this: , all of us, in our relationships with other people, specifically in marriage, we're in one of three spots, and I said this last week. One spot we might be is: we're together. We're trying to grow to become one in Christ Jesus. That's what God's called us to do: to leave our father and mother and cling to our spouse.

Right, we're trying to be together in this marriage, but we fight a lot. There's another group: they fight a lot, they don't fight a lot, but that's doesn't mean they're healthy. Sometimes it means that they've chosen to live in this mediocre roommate position in their marriage and we want to get to the place where we become one in Christ. And that third group is people who know how to manage conflict. Look at your neighbor, say you will have conflict.

Look at your other neighbor, say in this life, not the next one- Praise Jesus, we get to go to heaven if we've trusted in him, but you're going to have conflict. Here's my second clarifier. This is a personal, like preferential qualifier. I'm going to be honest with you today about my relationship with my spouse. Last week I was too, but I'm the more critical one.

It's very easy to be honest about your relationship when you're the terrible one in the relationship at that specific thing that was me last week, this week I am defensive quite often, but in our specific relationship I'm more critical, so naturally she is more defensive. So I want to ask you guys for a favor: when I'm honest, don't leave here thinking Mt got a terrible relationship. Every B of vulnerability that I'm using today is so that you might U not just have some empathy in this room, but so you might grow closer to God through me being honest with you. Anything that I say, don't hear it and say they've got a terrible relationship. This happens every time I preach on marriage or anytime I preach on kids.

Right, they think I hate my kids because I'm honest about sometimes they're annoying. Right? Just there's my. There's my clarifier. Okay, my wife.

I love my wife. I love her so deeply and we're trying to become one in Christ. And in order to be become one in Christ, we have to take her and me and shape through conflict something that is radically different than either of us have ever experienced, like when we're 50, 60, 70 years old. The way that we look together is going to look much different than it is now. Part of shaping is the tension and the conflict that comes.

So that's my second clarifier. Before we jump in and we talk about defensiveness, how many people in this room are defensive? Let's be a little more honest. How many of you in your relationship are the defensive one? Hannah, raise your hand.

Just just kidding, I get defensive too. She raised her hand really, really high, just so you know, we're in sync, we're becoming one in Christ, and so we're figuring this stuff out. We're being honest about these things today, and it really threw me off in the first service, cuz every time I said something U that had to do with the two of us, I felt like I had to qualify, and then it took like an extra 5 minutes. So I'm not going to do that. I've already qualified it.

I've already qualified it here today. Many of us are defensive in our relationships, and so what I want to do is I want to break down what defensiveness is. What are the antidotes to defensiveness? What does the Bible have to say about how we can move from this defensive posture to one that is more, I think, focused on Jesus and beneficial to our relationships- again, to be clear, with our spouse, with our kids, with our extended family, with your in-laws and with your, with your co-workers, with your employers, with your employees. This will be helpful in just about every area.

I'll give you the sermon title: are you being too defensive? This covers everybody, so don't look at your spouse or your friend or the person that needs to work on the issue. Look inward. Tell yourself quietly- because this you don't have to tell them, just tell your: I'm going to look inward today. I'm going to look inward today.

I'm going to look in inward today because if you don't look inward, you're just going to be judging them and talking to them about how they need to improve and grow, and that's not going to be helpful for you. Right? We're trying to get out of the cycle, not stay in the cycle. Last week was about criticism. If that was you cool, you're still defensive.

Today is about defensive. So what does it look like to be defensive? What does it look like to be defensive? We'll toss a couple of these on the screens. You want toss up the first one, cuz it's a long list next.

Next is someone back there is someone back there messing with the slides. Go to the next one. All right there. What does defensiveness look like? First off, it's a heightened emotional response.

A heightened emotional response- let me make it simple for you. A heightened emotional response is that thing that happens when someone says something to you that you don't like and you feel it in here somewhere. It's that thing that they said the third time and you didn't like it when they said it the first time, but you kept your cool, and so when they say it the third time, you kind of you feel it like I got to say something now, right, that heightened emotional response is when information comes in, but your, your brain, hasn't fully processed it yet, but your body is starting to move in tandem with what they said, but you haven't thought about it too much. That heightened emotional response. What ends up happening is, say, the husband comes home from work and he starts being critical: hey, this isn't done.

This isn't done. Why are the kids still up? Why has this not occurred? They do all their critical things, and then your response- this could be for husbands too- your response is one with heightened emotion. I need you to know there's nothing wrong with your emotions.

God gave you the seed of your emotions in your brain. Emotions are phenomenal. They help you do things that God's called you to do. They give you passion when other people don't have any passion at all. Compassion comes from your emotions in a lot of way.

Emotions are so good. I need you to know this. However, when someone's critical toward you, or they give you feedback that may not even be necessarily critical, and you receive it as criticism and you respond with a heightened emotional response is not as good in those scenarios. Here's what the Bible says and I'm going to take them back to the Scripture because I skipped it a second ago. My bad Proverbs, 15, verse1, says this: it says a soft, orental answer turns away wrath, but a heart word anger.

I hear a lot of times people talking to the critical person. You shouldn't have started it harshly. But I find it interesting that the guy who wrote the proverb that he starts it with a gentle answer, he starts with the response: a gentle answer turns away whatever anger they had, but a harsh word stir up anger. And let that sit for a second, because the, the Solomon or whoever was writing that proverb could have said: criticism makes people defensive. It's true, it does like that is scientific, but what he says is a gentle answer turns away wrath.

I think the guy who wrote the proverb, or let's just say Solomon, Solomon, knows this truth. He knows that when someone's critical and someone else is defensive, it creates a cycle. This cycle is very, very hard to stop or to slow down and so when he says a gentle answer turns away wrath, he recognizes that maybe someone started off with a bad day, proper up some criticism. He's not saying they should have been critical, but what he's saying is, if someone's critical toward you, you can. You can actually respond in such a way that it silences that wrath, criticism and frustration.

But we all tend to respond with defensiveness. So here's the second way. We tend to be defensive. It's not a gentle answer. We Counterattack, we Counterattack, we, we keep score.

I'm going to give you some examples again. Don't judge me for the examples, but a good example of counterattacking would be when, I give some criticism about, you know, the house not being in the perfect condition. Let's just say that I come home and there, shoes sitting on the ground, and that's one thing that you know. She's not the best at. She's not the best at putting shoes where they go, neither are my kids, I.

I don't know if I'm good at it or not, but I notice when they're not. So that's kind of how that works. And so what happens is this is a good counter-attacking example. I'll say, hey, the shoes are on the floor, can we put them where they go? And she's like, look at your shoes right over there.

Hey, it's true, but was it helpful? No, and I'll do the same thing. She'll say something to me and I get frustrated and offended. I'll say: don't you remember that time? You did that hypocrite.

Don't be hypocritical. You did it yesterday and you're complaining to me. Well, this is my conversation now. You could have told me yesterday. And then there's a cycle: right, we're keeping score.

Gosh, I don't like being so honest, but I think it's real for you too. You keep score, you're- you're not literally counting, but, but you just start remembering all the stuff that you're frustrated about as soon as they give you criticism and your defensive response is to say, hey, yeah, but, but I did this, I did this, I did this could be good stuff. It's like, yeah, dishes aren't done, but I did this, I loaded them. I didn't unload them, but I, I, I loaded them. But you know what I did?

I put my clothes, in the in the basket and I took the basket to the laundry room and then I started filling the thing, and then I- I'm not good at this, clearly- and then I started it and then I folded the laundry, which is technically your job in the relationship. See, I did that and then I did this, and then I did this and then I did this. Is that helpful? It might be true, but it's a defensive response and the only thing you're going to get when you're defensive is another defensive response and then what you have is Shield up, Shield up, boom, boom, boom. You're just fighting and nobody is perceiving anything.

Another thing that you do when you get defensive is you give the wrong. Why. Last week, I said the problem with criticism is you start with why, why you doing this? Why did you do it that way? Why, why, why, why, why?

Right, that's criticism. What happens in defensiveness is you give the wrong. Why. If someone who's being critical- maybe they shouldn't have been critical, right, they said: why did you do it this way? Wrong, why, cuz I felt like it.

Why'd you do it that way? Well, you did it that way the other day. Wrong, why? Why? Why?

Why didn't we do this? Because the kids, it's a good one, it's a, it's a good excuse. That's why, right, because I got these kids that I'm, I'm, I'm taking care of, or? Or why this, or why this? And then you respond with all the wrong Wise.

It's not that you don't have reasons or excuses, it's that you're responding with something that doesn't really address the need that they're expressing in their criticism. Again, I'm not saying they were right, but at that point it's not about whether they're right, it's about how you respond. The next one, this one's tough guys, this is tough. I'm scared to do it cuz I've already told you I'm critical and so I don't want you to feel like I'm coming down on you for being defensive cuz I do this stuff. Play the victim.

Play the victim. Here's a good example. Makes me look terrible. Just got to do this. I come home, I sit down on the couch and my wife will be like, hey, do you want to connect with us tonight at some point?

You I'm talk about and I'm sitting here like sweetie. You don't even realize how difficult my day was today. It, it was hard. Can I just get a few minutes? True, it could be reasonable, but my response is to play the victim.

It's like, man, I, I've been working all day. I picked up the kids, you dropped them off, but I picked them up and then I had to take them to swim and then I had to do this and then I had to do this. I'm just, I'm so tired. Stuff's going on. At church, this person yelled at me the other day- it was a really hard conversation- man, it's just, it's a bad time for me life and what that does is- it's me not intentionally even- it's making her feel like she was wrong to ask the question.

I'm essentially gaslighting her by playing the victim. I'm not saying: you don't have a reason to feel that way. I'm saying when you respond, it comes out as defensiveness because what you were doing is you were making it more about you than you are the thing that they addressed. Another thing that we do is we cut the person off or we respond too quickly. In a normal social setting, it would be that person who's waiting to think about what they have to say.

I do that a lot. I. I'm working. I'm working my social skills and emotional intelligence, but in an argument- I'm real bad at it- where she'll be expressing a need and then I'll immediately just, I'll, just, I'll cut her off. I said here's where I feel that need.

One of the things she joke- we don't joke about it actually it's a real thing- is I'm not as good at thinking ahead when it comes to dates. I wake up on a Friday I say: hey, you want to go to breakfast? Sweetie, boom, let's go to breakfast. Didn't think anything about it. We found a breakfast place.

There aren't too many out here, it's a pretty easy choice. So we go to breakfast and then the next week she'll be like man, I wish, rightfully, rightfully, I wish we could go out on more dates and I'm like: what about breakfast last week? Before she even finishes, remember, three years ago we went to Iceland, counts. I just start responding. I'll start listing all the things, because it's safer for me to respond to criticism with that type of defensiveness, where I then list them how they're wrong.

It's like: no, here's how you're wrong, cuz I did this, I did this, I did this, I did this. See all the things that I'm doing that prove your point incorrect. The next one is non-verbal: the standoff, the standoff, or here's the second part. We call it sanctimonious submission, and what you do is: you don't. You don't say anything necessarily, but you say: all right, it's always me.

I guess I'll correct this too. I keep changing things. I'm just trying to make you happy. It's like I'm walking on eggshells. And again, they may be walking on egg shells, it might be true, but as soon as you say, you're walking on eggshells.

You make the person who voiced their need, wrongly or rightly. You make them feel like they're a terrible person for putting you in such a hard position. And then you're like: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're not wrong, but in that conversation it is not productive. That's what defensiveness looks like ultimately. It comes down to this.

It's the final one. It's focusing on your need, not their need. And one of the most difficult things about defensiveness- and I want to give you this scenario- is you've got somebody in any type of relationship, whether they're frustrated or concerned. They bring up feedback and they share that feedback. Whether they did it right or wrong is not what I'm talking about here.

That was criticism last week, but they brought up feedback. Feedback is simply their expression of a need and your job, if you're going to be a responsible party in the conversation, is to identify that need, not simply sit idly by while they vocalize it incorrectly and then get frustrated about how they vocalized it and forget about the fact that they had a need in the first place. Defensiveness says without you intending it. It says I'm cutting off your desire to meet a need so that you can know how I feel. Again, I'm so clear with this.

I get it because I'm equally defensive. But when someone vocalizes a need, how much different would it look if you said: you know what. Let's pay attention to what their need is. Let's calm down a little bit, let's shift my posture a little bit and let's get to the place where I understand where they're coming from. It doesn't make them right for how they vocalized it, but it enables us to get through the conversation.

What happens is when someone's critical in your defensive, now we're in a cycle and we can't even address either need- mine or theirs- because all we have to do, all all that we can reasonably do, is try to get out of this cycle, and then you get out of the argument eventually and no one's need is met. But the goal would be that we can have a conversation, conflict through shaping and begin addressing one another's needs. That is what defensiveness Looks Like. It ultimately comes down to processing my needs or focusing on my needs over theirs. But thanks to John and Julie gotman, there are some antidotes, because really, what this boils down to is you're being defensive because you're trying to protect yourself.

This is self-preservation. Self-preservation is our is really our goal when we get defensive. But you got to think for a second. Like my body wants to preserve or protect, like I put up the shield on purpose so that I don't get attacked or hit, but if you take a pause for a moment and think about who you're having the conversation with, you might actually recognize that the person means well, the person cares about you, and the reason you're even in this cycle right now is because you C you are connected at such a deep level, that you're comfortable with actually expressing your needs to one another. In other words, you don't really have to put up a shield of protection against this person because they're not even trying to attack you.

They might not be doing it right, but if you can view them as well-meaning, it'll help you much more. So here are a couple of the antidotes to self-preservation. I think this will be helpful. First off- this is a big one. Y'all say it with me when it comes up: take responsibility.

Another way to say it is to take ownership. I've learned this in my relationship. When we get into the cycle, at some point somebody has to have the logic to end the cycle. See. See, if we were being real in this place you'd say Amen, but you're scared cuz your spouse.

Yeah, maybe you did it too much this week, but that is so true. Somebody has to end the cycle. The eges, a couple who did a book called love and respect. They said they talk about it like the crazy cycle, right, and they say at some point one of the mature parties who's having the conversation has to choose to end the crazy cycle. He- he actually says it this way.

He says the one who sees themsel as the responsible party will end that cycle or they'll step in and take ownership and they'll end it. They'll break the cycle. There might be one person in your relationship who tends to be a little bit better at taking ownership and breaking the cycle. I don't know who it is in your relationship. Good on, good on that person.

I'm not saying the person who struggles with it, ending that cycle is any worse. I'm saying at some point, if you're going to have a marriage or relationship that is strong and healthy, you've got to start taking responsibility. Cuz really, the problem is that I'm critical because I think it's somebody else's fault- and I'm not thinking about my layer of ownership or my responsibility in it- and then I get defensive because someone said something that hit me the wrong way and now I am counterattacking them because I think I'm not the problem and I don't play into the problem. They're the problem. And so what this first point- the gin and the Scripture- would encourage us to do is to take ownership in that moment and say we're both part of the problem.

But you don't get there if you're flooded. You don't get there if you keep blaming the other person. You really only get there when you start centering your mind and recognizing that I can take responsibility for my role. You say: what does that even look like? I'll say this.

Someone criticizes you. You pause, say all right, they criticized me. I can take ownership of my response. The EG is also say my response is my responsibility. And I think it's a really helpful thing to do.

And I know it's hard when you're emotional. I know it's hard when you're in the middle of an argument. But sometimes you got to do anger management. You got to take three breaths, not size, just breaths. Size make it worse.

Take three breaths that long, trust me, you get to a better spot. You might still say something. Roote at the end of it, right? Sometimes what I'll do is the exact wrong thing. I'll take responsibility.

I'm so good at doing that, right, Hannah? Amen, I didn't hear her. She just put her thumbs up. What are you doing to me up here? No, I, I am pretty good at that.

I'll start taking responsibility really, really quickly in the relationship and I'll just take some deep breaths. But here's what I do, CU I'm still angry, is I say you know, here's what I want to say, but I'm not going to say it and I'll tell her. I'm a terrible person, but as I learned to take responsibility, I'll take some deep breaths and I'll recognize, you know what. It's not going to stop unless I play a part in stopping it. So I've got to start stopping it.

And she does it amazingly too. Sometimes, when I'm just being a jerk, she's like: did you mean to say it like that? In fact, here's another thing you can do. You can let go of who's wrong and start finding out, like, what they think or where they might be right. You can be curious about your partner.

One of the things that I don't know. One of her books says that I hear all the time is- is: catch your partner doing something right instead of focusing on all the things they did wrong, you can actually start C calculating the things that they did right. And as you calculate the things that they did right, you're starting to understand your partner better. You, you're asking them questions, you're trying to process for them, even though they might be saying something frustrating. You're not internally calculating all the wrongs that they have against you.

Man, if we served a God who was calculating wrongs against us, we would be in major trouble. But instead we serve a God who, in spite of all of the wrong things we have done, still came off his pedestal up in heaven and died on a cross, humbling himself to that point of death so that we might have life abundantly. In fact, his death on the cross symbolizes forgiveness of our sin. So, in spite of all the wrongs that were stacked up against God, we went the wrong way, we talked badly about him, we committed adultery on our spouses, we looked at people the wrong way, we were judgmental, we did all of this stuff and instead of God saying: look at all this stuff, you did figure it out, bro. He comes down and his in the midst of our hostility.

Ephesians would say: he breaks down the dividing wall, he breaks the barrier. What did he do? He took responsibility, it says. He sympathized with us in the midst of our weakness and we are called to live out a lifestyle that is similar to that of Christ Jesus. And so what do we do?

We look at them and we say: you know what. They didn't mean to be that way. So let me, let me, let me for them. Let me sacrifice my preferences, my emotions and my concerns right now and so that I can help them get to the place where we can actually have a conversation. I'm going to treat them with love and respect, even when I don't feel like it.

I'm going to be self-sacrificial. The next thing you can do is you can ask questions and repeat what they're saying to you. That that would be really helpful, because it shows that you're curious and actually want to learn and understand, rather than simply say what you want to say. How many? How many of your conversations go well when you're just thinking about what to say next?

They don't you have to answer. I know they don't because I'm a human being and I have a spouse and I have a mom and I have in-laws and I have kids and I have- I don't know if I have a boss, right, God's my boss. Yep, yep, I don't have a, I mean. But I got employees, I've got relationships and I understand this to be true when I listen, to understand. Things change in my relationship with those people.

But too many of us are wanting to get our word out there. But, but you can. You can ask them questions when they say something that doesn't hit right. What if you would to say: hey, you said this, is this what you meant? I bet 60% of the time I went low.

It's probably higher, but I bet 60% of the time. If you were to ask the person you're arguing with, repeat what they said and then ask them: is this what you meant? They're going to tell you: no, not at all, that's not what I meant at all. Sometimes you repeat the exact same thing that they said and they hear it and they're like: NOP, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry, like I really didn't mean it that way, because they didn't intend to wrong you or offend you- and if they did, God still calls us to be gracious, but chances are most of the time they didn't.

So just ask them questions. Another thing you can do is you can shift your posture. Shift your posture. There's a funny thing that happens in arguments and conversations is, because we're defensive, we put ourselves in a position where we can't be attacked. I know we do this mentally with all the things that we do by talking and speaking over people and all that other stuff, that defensiveness.

But our bodies actually follow our mindset and so the posture of someone who's in the defensive mode, if they're standing here, we tend to be like separate or turn away. Here's what I do, cuz a lot of our conversations- I say conversations, CU. I don't want you to think we're just fighting all the time U, but let's just say conflict, fight. A lot of our conversations will happen after we put the kids to bed, and so she'll bring something up or I'll bring something up and we'll start talking about it. And if I'm being defensive, here's what I'll do.

She sits on the right. She sleeps, she does sit. I hope she doesn't sleep sitting up, that'd be weird. But she, She lays on the right side of the bed and I'm on this side of the bed, and so what I'll do when I'm not in the right head space is I'll lay like this. Yeah, I got you, sweetie, that's cool, but you know, a world of change that would happen if I simply did this and turned toward her just while we're laying down in bed and looked at her and maybe I just maybe I changed my smile too.

I just, instead of that, I just see that that might not help, I don't know. It just depends. Your relationship is different than my relationship, but if I go closer and I just give her a hug or or a kiss on the cheek- and in relationships you can't just give them hugs and kisses on the cheeks- but you can still turn toward them in your posture, you can lean in, seek to understand, listen. You may not be an expert body language person, but people notice it, you notice it and they notice it, and so if you can shift your posture, it'll shift their perception toward you. It also- and here's what's crazy about it- if you can shift your posture, it'll actually it's crazy- it'll make you less defensive because your intention, your intentional shift of your posture, actually opens you up to a conversation you weren't ready to have when your posture was the opposite.

It's crucial- and here's the fifth one: you got to listen more than you speak. I said we'd be in James, chapter 1. James, chapter 1- I believe it's verse 19- it says this: I'm going pull it out, so I- oh, where did I go? James 1: 19 says this: my dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, speak and slow to become angry. And it gives you a why in the next verse.

James 1 · chapter mention James 1 · chapter mention

It doesn't say: be slow to speak so that you can finish the conversation and get back to your TV show. It don't be. It doesn't say be slow to anger so that you can fall back asleep instead of having this conversation, then being frustrated the next day, because you stayed up till 1:00 having a conversation. It doesn't say: be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger because you're just trying to, you know, drive up the positive interactions in your relationship. It actually says: because human anger does not produce the what y'all with me, the righteousness that God desires.

So this isn't just to fix your relationship with your spouse or other people, though it does. This is to honor God's will for your life. He says: be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to be angry. That would be so helpful for all of us in our relationships, because the reason this is. This is really what it is.

The reason that we get defensive is because we're trying, we're choosing self-preservation over perceiving what they have and what their frustration is like. You get defensive when the goal is to protect, not to perceive, and so my encouragement to you as you leave here. The goal is not to protect yourself. You're in this relationship. The goal is to perceive what the other person is saying, be they critical or be they perfect.

Because how many times someone's critical of you, but they do it in the best posture that used the right tone, they even use the right language, but you still get defensive because someone was abrasive lightly, because they wanted to help you get better. I never forget I was disrespectful to my mom one time- and, it's been several times since, but like one time- and my friend saw it and he was super nice about it- he, he was just like baffled and he said, Matt, I just felt like you were really disrespectful to your mom and like we were camping- it was just two of us camping- and I got super frustrated. I like you don't know what I came from. You got a healthy family. You don't know what I've been through.

I just started: blah, blah, blah. And then the next day- it was when I woke up that I was. It finally got to the place where I was like no hold on, let's listen to what he has to say. And then I asked him and it was one of the most meaningful conversations I've ever had in my life, because it was something I didn't realize was happening, but he revealed it to me. There are people in your life- I'm including myself, I'm including your closest relationships, I'm including gosh, your, your employer, even.

You're coming home frustrated cuz he gave you feedback on a performance review that you didn't like, and you're frustrated. Man, he done get this. He's dude your B, let's be real- like your boss is not out there to get you, unless he is, in which case I don't know. I that's a different conversation, but for the most part, your boss is just trying to get his numbers up, and so when he gives you something, if you can view it not from the perspective of defensiveness, if you can be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry and process through this information, believing that maybe God put that person there on purpose so that you might actually learn and grow from something, what I'm trying to say is. You're married for a reason.

You're connected with people around you for a reason. God didn't put them there randomly. They're there on purpose. God wants to accomplish something through your interactions and if we have this posture of defensiveness, we're going to going to be just like the Pharisees who, in the New Testament, Jesus was trying to teach them, but they would get offended and frustrated because they had this rigid way of living that prevented them from learning or hearing anything from anybody else. And we do this in our closest relationships, and if you get to that place where you just can't take anything in from the other person, that's a very sad place to be.

It's the same place that every single one of us were before we experience the love of God, and there's some people in this room. You are still in that place where you're frustrated at God, or you're resisting the urge that God would be pulling you to himself right now, or you're resisting the information and saying God, God doesn't love me, God doesn't care about me. I have pain in my life. I have people in my life that I wanted to get rid of, but God didn't answer my prayer. Whatever it might be, that's keeping you from God.

The Bible actually talks about what he did to us or for us. In the midst of our hostility, he says: forgive them, while they're nailing him to a cross because they don't know what they do. Oh, they knew what they were doing, but they didn't know the full extent that he was trying to give them. And so when someone criticizes you or comes against you, if you're posterous defensiveness, all you're doing is You're Building, you're digging deep and you're building a fence that becomes a barrier between them. But what if we can, like I don't know, stop putting up fences and barriers and start being quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger?

Maybe you came in here with a barrier between you and God that he just wants to rip down in the name of Jesus, so that you can experience a love you've never experienced before. That might be you. Maybe you haven't come to church in a long time and you didn't do it because someone offended you a long time ago and because of self-preservation you put up this barrier. That that it makes sense, like I understand. It's not irrational, it's not crazy, but it's not productive.

And so praise the Lord that you came here today for the first time in a long time, and what I'm believing is that that if you can just comprehend some like quick to hear what it says when it when it talks about Jesus being the author and perfector of our faith, when it comes to Jesus loving us so much that he would come down and die on a cross for us, when he says that no greater love than this than one laid down his life for his friends, for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever may believe, believe in him, shall not perish but have everlasting life. When it says that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you can be saved not just from hell but from your bad decisions. You can be saved from some of the pain in your life. You can be saved from the anxiety. If you can just be quick to hear that information and allow God to break down that dividing wall between you and him, then you would have salvation and Abundant Life.

And you would be in this place where, in your relationships, you can actually comprehend something unique. It's not just the Gman method, it's not just these pragmatic tools, it's the recognition that Christ in me has the ability to take every thought captive. By being obedient to him, Christ in me, I can actually beat down the things in my life that are not productive. I can take control of my actions. I can be responsible.

In fact, it's really Christ in me, it's Christ in my wife that enables us to get rid of these Com or to, to work through these conversations of conflict. The first several years of our marriage I didn't know the Gman method. I didn't know to take ownership. I didn't know all this other stuff I didn't know. I didn't know all the terms that she gives me that I utilize in those Arguments for not productive use.

Like I didn't know any of that stuff, the one thing I knew is that Christ in me, Christ in me, and what we would do often is, when we get into the heat of an argument, I would pause or she would pause- sometimes it was her, sometimes it was me- and one of us would just would just start praying, not even necessarily out loud. We'd say like how, how does Christ want me to respond? And as soon as we would do that again, it was crazy the calm that would come over her or the calm that would come over me because, in the end, my defensiveness comes up when it comes to self-preservation, when I need to protect myself from the other person. But when I recognize that Christ is at the center of my life and I start revolving everything around him, that's when I see: no, he's not concerned about self-preservation, he's concerned about his mission, which is to help other people know him at a deeper level. I am convicted by my greater calling than to get my own way and to be fulfilled because they love me.

No, the greater calling is to love them, regardless of whether I feel loved by them. It'll be in the podcast that comes out this week, so I'd encourage you to check it out. But one thing I said- well, it was last week. One thing I said is: if you're married, you're with the right person. Your job is not to sit there idly and expect them to love you the way you want to be loved.

No, it's to love them the way God's called you to love them. And, yes, pray that God would Inspire them to love you the way he's called them to love you. I know you are in different spots in your relationships, like you might be in a place where your safety really is in Jeopardy, but- and I don't know how to exactly speak to that- but for the most part, God has called you to be the one that loves. That's the way we get out of criticism and defensiveness, and over the next two weeks we're going to talk about these deeper layers and I think it'll be really helpful for each of you. Can you guys stand with me really quickly?

I want to give an opportunity for those who have never trusted in God before. We're going to Bow our heads in prayer and we're going to pray a prayer for those who are praying to receive Jesus for the first time. So just repeat after me out loud. You might say: God, I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of Godus. I believe he died on the cross and Rose from the grave.

Forgive me of my sin that separated me from you. I commit right now to follow you for the rest of my life. God be with me. My relationships help me understand more about you. It's in Jesus's name that we pray, and God's people said somebody trusted in Jesus.

Today, can we celebrate them?