How to Deal with Broken Relationships | Oblivious

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Our vision as a church is to be real with ourselves, God, and others.

We're glad you're here, and we hope you enjoy this message.

One of the things that I have found the most challenging about my life, and I don't know

what's been the most challenging about your life, but for me, I have been shocked and

surprised by the level of relational conflict I've had to deal with.

Anybody ever been there?

I mean, whether it's you're on the playground in the fourth grade and somebody kicks the

ball in your face, you're like, okay, we need to discuss this, or you start dating for the

first time.

That's always fun as teenagers to start dating, and you realize that not only are you

attracted to the opposite sex, but you may hate them.

Amen.

And then you get married, right?

That's fun.

Spice it up a little bit and live with the same person for the rest of your life.

Then there's jobs, then there's the world.

I mean, everywhere we look, there's just conflict everywhere.

Whether it's Russia, Ukraine, whether it's Israel, Hamas, whether it's China and America,

with Taiwan, whether it's Republican or Democrat, sometimes it's even amongst Christians.

We're all dealing with this tidal wave of conflict.

So that's why I'm wearing my Mr.

Rogers sweater today.

We're going to have fun today and relax.

And if you don't know, he is.

He was fantastic back when the world was calm and made sense.

But here's the thing I want you to know.

If you're new to Christianity or Sandals Church, you may be terrible at conflict, but

Jesus is amazing at it.

There's never been a human being on Earth who was better at conflict than he was.

This is how good Jesus is at conflict.

He can manage the conflict that you have right now between you and God.

The Bible says there's only one person that can mediate that conflict.

It says the man Jesus Christ, because he perfectly reflects God as God, and he perfectly

reflects you as human.

And so I just want you to listen today to Jesus as he challenges you, encourages you,

invites you to manage conflict in a way listen to this that reflects your faith, because

we're all going to manage conflict.

Amen.

Just not very good.

But some of us, if we start managing it in a way that reflects Jesus, it's going to change

our lives.

So, number one, Jesus encourages me to see my part in the conflict.

So when we watch the media between Hamas, the Palestinians, and the Israelis, what do they

see in the conflict?

What the other person did with clarity, total clarity, total conviction.

What does both sides fail to see?

Maybe their part in the conflict.

And this just isn't an issue between Palestine and Israel.

This is an issue between your teenagers in your house.

Amen.

Okay.

And if you just have one kid, you're cheating.

That's cheating.

You need to spice it up a little bit and have multiple children in your home.

Here's what Jesus says.

He says, Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye?

Now, we tackled this last week, and I challenge you to look within your own self for the

one issue that you need to deal with.

But here's the varsity level Christianity.

When you begin to look at what maybe you did when someone hurt you or offended you, why do

you notice the log that is in their eye but you fail to see?

You fail to see.

Why do you see the speck in their eye, but you fail to see the log that is in your own

eye?

He said, how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck that's in your eye out

when you yourself do not see the log that's in your own eye?

You hypocrite.

Jesus says, that's not a compliment.

He says, first take the log that's out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take

the spec that is out of your brother's eye.

If you want to improve your marriage, if you want to improve your friendships, if you want

to improve your relationship with your kids, your church, the people that you work with,

learn to see this.

Some of you, you got two of them.

So the next time you're offended, the next time you're upset, here's how you can begin to

see what's invisible to you.

Ask this question why am I so triggered?

Hey, Sandals Church, thank you so much for continuing with us in our series Oblivious.

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Let's get back into the message.

Now, some of you are triggered because I use the word triggered.

All my conservatives are like, See, you just got triggered.

Why am I so triggered?

The other night, Tammy and I were having a discussion that's hashtag for fighting, and she

said something that really offended me.

She didn't mean to be offensive.

That was not her intent.

And as I was trying to listen, I was also trying to process, why am I so upset about this?

And at first, I had no clue.

And then I realized I went, oh, okay, this goes back to some of my rooted issues from

childhood.

This has nothing to do with her.

This has to do with how I felt as a kid when I had no voice.

And once I realized that and I could process listen to this word, my own crap, I was able

to listen with clarity to what she was trying to say.

So the next time you're so upset and so offended, maybe this is the Holy Spirit's

invitation into a deeper relationship with yourself, rather than saying, okay, what's

wrong with this idiot moronic, non saved Christian, right?

You know where you go, maybe say, okay, what am I missing, Lord, about myself?

Why am I so triggered?

Some of you, your issues with me or Santa's church have nothing to do with Sandals Church.

It has to do with your last church.

I'm responsible for a lot of things in your life, not what happened at your last church.

How about this one?

Have I sinned in this relationship?

You're like.

Never pastor.

I love Jesus.

Okay.

Have I sinned with my tone?

I call my wife the queen of tone.

She can't sing, but she can hear tone.

Amen.

She can hear tone.

She's like, I don't like your tone.

So is my tone correct?

And if you have teenagers, you understand this, right?

Yeah, they specialize in tone.

They are getting a master's level course in tone.

Was my tone right?

And here's the thing about tone.

Oftentimes we're the last to hear our own tone.

You ever said this?

I didn't say that.

Rude.

How about my attitude?

Maybe I was tired, frustrated, angry.

Have I sinned with my words?

Well, I'm just telling the truth, Pastor.

Well, the Bible says, speak in truth and love how'd you do it?

That how about this?

Did I misunderstand something?

And I'm a professional communicator.

I don't know if you know that.

I communicate for a living.

I've literally said this in a message.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not leaving.

Been in the lobby and somebody asked me, Why are you leaving?

They actually heard the exact opposite of what I said, and that's about something that

matters.

So when there's conflict or there's tension, you have to ask yourself, did I misunderstand

something?

How about this?

Am I interpreting a meaning to what the other person says?

And let me say this about all of you who are professional interpreters of meaning and

motive.

When you interpret meaning, it makes you mean.

And here's the thing I say to my wife all the time.

She's always trying to understand other people's motives.

I'm like, I don't understand my own motives.

Has anybody ever done something you're like, Why did I do that?

Like, I'm a stranger to myself.

I'm not Inspector Clusseau for everyone else knowing exactly why they did that.

Next, jesus challenges me to talk with a person directly.

It is always easier to talk about someone than to someone.

Years ago, we had a special event at the top of Mount Rubido.

It's the highest kind of central point in Riverside where most of our campuses are.

But if you're watching from somewhere else, you've never heard of that.

But it's okay.

It's important.

Mountain, to us has a cross on top.

And so Christians, we like to go there and gather.

And so we had gathered, and we took up all this kind of parking.

And if you've been at Sandals long, you know we're not great at planning, so we hadn't

planned really well.

For where everybody was going to park.

So we just kind of destroy this community with all of our cars and our wonderful oblivious

Christians as we park in people's driveways and block them from getting out of their

driveway into their driveways.

And we're walking down the mountain and this woman is just ripping Sandals church.

I don't know what their problem is.

If I could just speak to their pastor, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

I said, well, you're in luck.

I was standing right next to her as she was ripping our church, as she was ripping me.

I said, hey, I'm so sorry.

Is there something that I can do to help?

You know, she was offended.

She said that I was listening to her conversation.

I know the conversation that you're having out loud about me to others.

You see, it's so many of us, man.

I mean, we're like braveheart when we're talking about someone, but we become Chicken

Little when we have to talk to someone.

So many people are brave when it's not real.

Jesus says, Listen, these are the words of Jesus.

If another believer sins against you now, I know it says believer, but in the actual Greek

it says brother.

So we can broaden this.

This just doesn't have to be for Christians.

People like you, people in your family, this is just people.

If someone offends you, if someone has hurt you, what does Jesus say?

Send a nasty text message or a well written email.

How about, this is my favorite Christian response, or a passive aggressive social media

post.

Don't you love those that solves the world's problems?

No.

What does he say?

He says, go privately.

This is huge, and point out the offense.

I want those words to resonate in your minds.

Point out the offense.

It's important.

We're going to get to that in a second.

If the other person listens and confesses it, you've won the person back.

Praise God.

But here's the thing I want you to know.

Even Christians have relational conflict.

So many Christians are shocked by this.

They get in the church and, oh my gosh, there's conflict here, and they run away from the

church and listen to me, you have two choices in your Christian walk.

One is isolation, the other is conflict.

Most Christians today choose isolation.

Well, I have a relationship with Jesus all by my little lovely self.

But that's not what he's called you to.

He's called you to a relationship with his people.

But it's difficult.

Anytime you have a real relationship, you will have real conflict.

Anytime, anywhere.

That's why when you read through the New Testament over and over and over again, we hear

words like this.

This is Ephesians four three.

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves think about

that word, binding yourselves together with peace.

That means, I'm strapped in.

I'm staying.

Now, if you're watching online and there's abuse happening at your church.

I'm not saying you need to stay in an abusive situation, but most Christians run from the

church way too soon.

And what are we going to say to our Lord on Judgment Day?

I got my feelings hurt in the church.

That's why I never went back.

Can I just ask you a question?

You think the cross hurt, but he managed to stay.

Now, I'm not saying you should stay in an abusive situation.

I'm not saying you should stay in an unhealthy situation.

I'm just saying we live in a culture that throws away relationships way too soon.

Way too soon.

And here's the thing.

Many people leave the church and never even tell someone how they've been hurt.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, but if you leave a church without telling someone why you've

sinned, you've sinned because Jesus said, go to the person who hurt you.

Go to the person who hurt you.

But they're scary.

Okay, we'll get to that in a second.

You see, as a Christian, I can have conflict in my marriage.

Anybody been there?

Sometimes my wife and I are listening to this different spirit.

I'm like, I'm not even sure we're the same faith.

Okay?

But we have conflicts, and so many Christians throw away their marriage because of

conflict.

Conflict is an opportunity to bring you together, but most of you see it as something that

needs to drive you apart.

Okay, so I can have conflict in my marriage.

Now, if you have kids, anybody have kids?

Raise your hands if you have kids.

Okay, I want you to listen to me.

Your primary job as a parent is to teach your kids how to manage conflict.

Here's what most parents do.

They protect their kids from conflict.

Oh, my kid got in a fight at school.

They got to go to another school.

Look, there are bullies everywhere.

For some of them, it's their siblings.

Amen.

It's your older brother.

But we need to teach our kids how to manage conflict.

And most of us, as Christian parents, we settle for a forced peace, and we never teach our

kids how to work this out.

And when we work out conflict with our kids, we're not Christian at all.

We're terrible.

So we got to teach them how to do this next with my friends.

Anybody ever lost a friendship?

Oh, man.

I think the hardest part of being your pastor for 27 years is all the relationships I've

lost, people that I've loved, lived with, discipled, poured into, and we had a conflict at

some point or another, and the friendship ended.

It's difficult.

Some of you, unfortunately, at some point in time, will have conflict with sandals,

conflict with your church.

Here's what I've learned about conflict.

The more important the relationship is to me, the harder the conflict is to deal with.

Like, if I don't care about you, I can solve your conflict.

Quit.

You know what you need to do.

You know what I'm saying?

But when it's close to me, when it's something that's important to me my marriage, my

kids, my friends, man, I forget Jesus.

You see, here's what happens.

The closer an issue is to my heart, the quicker I forget about the heart of Jesus, and the

more focused I am on my own heart.

This hurts.

My wife and I, we've been in marriage counseling for 18 months.

We graduated.

You give a hand.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But our counselor, on the couch, when we would sit and meet, there was a big pillow, big,

gigantic pillow, and it was a feelings chart where you would talk about how you feel.

And Tammy and I were in this fight while we were in counseling.

We were about a year in, and Tammy just screams out, we stuck at the feelings chart.

I'm like, that's why we're in counseling.

But she was right.

Even though we practiced it, we rehearsed it.

Our counselor invited us.

He's all fight in here, I'll help you.

But we had to learn how to express our feelings in a way that honored Christ, because

here's the thing.

We both came from two different families who handled conflict in very different ways.

And so we have to learn how to manage conflict.

Listen to me like Jesus does.

And here's the thing.

I want to hear you.

How did he manage his conflict with you?

Listen to me.

He stayed on the cross for you.

The most beautiful gift you can give to relationships is doing everything you can to stay.

To stay.

There are some of you that are watching this today, and you're contemplating divorce.

The most beautiful gift you can give to your children is to stay and work it out.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is showing them what the Bible says

that love never ends.

Now, it may fight all night.

Amen.

It may be really frustrated, but it can hang in there.

It can hang in there.

And if you are divorced, it just means that your work is even harder to show your kids how

important it is to be a stable form of love in their life.

So here's the thing.

Jesus says, deal with it directly.

The problem is, we're not very good at that.

So how do I deal with conflict directly?

Here's the thing I've learned.

Any men in here, wait until I'm not angry.

Because here's the thing I've learned.

When I deal with conflict, when I'm angry, I become the issue, and we don't deal with the

issue.

I actually had this issue with some staff members here at South Church where I got angry

at them.

I know it's hard to believe because I'm so much like Jesus, but I was really frustrated.

But here's the thing I've learned.

I'm not a good pastor when I'm angry.

I'm a terrible leader when I'm angry.

I'm a worse husband and parent and friend when I'm angry.

And so even though I think what I had to say was right, I was wrong for how I said it, and

I had to apologize to them, and I had to say, you know what?

I'm really sorry for expressing my anger towards you.

Here's what the Apostle Paul tells a young pastor.

He says, A servant of the Lord must not quarrel, but must be kind to everyone.

But people are so frustrating.

And be patient with what difficult people like.

It's easy to be nice to nice people.

It's difficult to be nice to difficult people.

Here's the next thing.

Approach them respectfully.

This is something we've lost in our society.

We don't respect our parents.

We don't respect the police.

We don't respect politicians.

We don't respect pastors.

We used to call Pastors Reverence.

Do you hear the word reverence?

We don't anymore.

We've lost that as a culture.

So what that means is, as a Christian, I have to double down on honoring the person I'm

speaking to.

Here's one of the things that I would say to my children when they were disrespectful to

their mother, I would ask them, do you hear me speak to her the way you are now?

Here's the problem.

Some of you, your kids, would say, Well, dad, you speak worse.

Now, that's not to say that I was never frustrated with just I worked very, very hard to

speak respectfully to her when we disagreed.

Here's.

What?

Paul instructs.

Timothy he says, Never speak harshly to an older man.

Now, why would he say that?

Because if you're old, you can be frustrating.

I love you.

I love you.

But you can be a little frustrating.

Never, never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would

your own father.

Now, there's the problem, isn't it?

Some of you are disrespectful to your own father.

You see, we don't honor our parents.

And here's the thing, is we're setting a terrible example for our kids.

So wait until you're not angry.

And the problem with anger is it gives you an artificial sense of strength.

That's why you want to deal with it.

It takes real courage to talk about something when you're not angry.

It takes real courage to be respectful even when someone is disrespectful to you.

Next.

This is huge.

This is huge.

You don't even have to tithe for this point, but you should when you are fighting and in

conflict with someone you love.

Narrow my topic.

Narrow my topic.

What did Jesus say?

Go to someone, listen to these words and point out the singular offense.

Most of us, when we fight, we will now begin the conflict with the unveiling of all

grievances for all time.

So what we do is we say things like this.

When you said this singular, I felt this.

When you did this, I felt this.

Here's what we tend to say.

You always say that.

You always do that.

You never stay away from the words.

Always and never.

Nothing makes a problem bigger than inviting every single problem you've ever had into the

relationship.

Talk about that.

Parents, I know your kid has never done a dish in their life.

But here's the thing.

You're not going to get them magically to go back in time and do all of the dishes.

You need to say, I expect you to do the dishes, and you did not do them.

You did not do them.

Okay.

When you text your wife, she doesn't respond.

I know that's never happened.

Hey, when I reach out to you, I need you to respond.

I need you to respond.

Anybody got teenagers that don't respond, they ghost their parents.

You're paying for the phone bill, and they can't respond to you because they're super

busy.

When I text you and you don't respond, it makes me feel disrespected.

I need you to respond when I text you, and you just hold there, and you just stare them

down.

That's the thing about a parent.

You get to decide when the meeting ends.

Yes, you have super powers.

You call the meeting, you end the meeting, and you just say, look, here's what I expect.

Here's what I expect.

So I want to challenge you, narrow the topic.

And it's so easy.

Anybody ever had a fight and you end up fighting about something you didn't start, about

fighting.

That's fun.

One time, Tammy and I had a fight where in the middle of it, I just screamed out, I don't

even know what we're fighting about.

Like, we just hit every know, let's just put a tsunami wave of grievances on the table,

because that'll help.

And here's the thing.

Just be honest about how bad you are at conflict.

Do we need to add more to this?

No.

And the reason there's a tsunami of issues is because you're bad at conflict, and you

haven't dealt with those things.

You haven't dealt with them.

And let me say this.

If you're feeling guilty and terrible, don't.

It's okay just to say, hey, I didn't learn this in my home.

One time, Tammy and I, we were in a heated discussion, and I just said, I don't know what

I'm doing.

I don't know how to be a husband.

I don't know how to be a father.

I've never been here before.

And we're fighting about expectations that you have from something I've never done.

And just be honest about how new you are to this.

And for some of you, that's conflict, I don't know what I'm doing.

So give a lot of grace for mistakes.

Can you imagine you put roller skates on somebody for the first time?

You're like, Come on, you moron.

They got, like, three broken arms.

They only have two arms, but three broken arms.

You're screaming at them.

But some of us look like a giraffe on roller skates when we're trying to navigate

conflict.

And you're all legs and a small head with a small brain.

Amen.

And you don't understand what you're doing.

That's why Jesus's teaching on conflict is three verses.

He knows how bad we are at it.

Go to them directly, talk to them, and then we're going to get to the other things.

Next.

Listen intently.

I try to argue like I'm right, but I listen like I could be wrong.

I know this is hard for you to believe, but occasionally I'm wrong.

I know, shocker.

It's okay to be wrong.

You're human.

Just say I misunderstood you.

I've actually said this.

My wife and I have been in an argument.

She repeats back to me what I said.

I've said I said that.

She's like, yeah.

I'm like, that was terrible.

It was terrible.

And just literally make sure that you're listening, because some of us fight and all we

want to do is be heard.

And some of you grew up in homes where everyone is shouting.

Everyone is shouting.

Remember a couple of years ago, I was at a family event, and my family, we're big talkers,

everybody's loud.

And we were at a barbecue where someone who was not in the family was hosting the

barbecue.

And he's literally flipping burgers, and he's looking at our family and he's like, do you

guys always just yell at each other?

And my family just kept yelling.

He goes, you're doing it again.

He's all, you're doing it.

You're doing it.

Stop doing that.

He's like, I don't want to be here.

Can you imagine?

Like, we're at his house and he's feeding us.

What are we going to do?

But he just called us out.

He's like, you guys need to stop arguing and over talking each other.

Wow.

He had more wisdom in conflict than we did.

Next.

This is huge.

Give them the same grace you need.

There's a reason in the Lord's Prayer that we're supposed to pray every day.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread and listen and forgive us of our debts as we forgive

those who have debts against us.

Give them the same grace I need.

What if when someone offends you, you treated them the way you wish a police officer

treated you?

When you get pulled over for a speeding, wouldn't that be great?

If the officer was like, I do it all the time.

Don't worry about it.

It's on me.

But some of you, you're not a husband.

You're not a wife.

You're a cop in your relationship, and you're just handing out tickets.

And that's why your kids don't want to be around you.

That's why your friends don't want to be around you.

God hasn't called you to be a referee.

He's called you to be in a relationship when two teams are playing, you know who everybody

hates?

The ref.

The ref.

And you need to learn to give grace, the same grace you need.

So people are going to say the wrong things, they're going to do the wrong things, they're

going to speak incorrectly.

It's going to happen.

I have done it so many times, you would think all the conflict I've had, I would be

awesome at it.

But I still struggle with it.

I still struggle with it.

And next, this one is huge.

Celebrate the win.

You know, most of you in here, you have a long list of all these broken relationships and

grievances, and you don't have any trophies in your house for the relationships that you

won and the conflicts you worked through.

You know what?

I would encourage you as a married couple, get a trophy room for all the fights you

settled and just have people over.

Here's our trophy room.

And we don't have a trophy yet, but one day we're going to put a trophy in here where we

handled a conflict like Jesus.

We don't celebrate the wins.

What we do is we mourn the losses.

Here's what I want you to do.

If you're a married couple and you actually work it out, go out to dinner and celebrate

it.

Woohoo.

What are you celebrating?

We had a fight and we fixed it.

You know, when you go out to dinner, they're always asking you, are you celebrating

something?

28 years of never resolving a conflict.

That's why we're here.

It's our anniversary, man.

You had a fight about the laundry and you fixed it.

You settled it, you handled it.

Buy yourself a trophy, man.

You talked with your kids and they took the trash out all the way to the street.

That's ice cream.

Let's celebrate.

Let's celebrate ice.

Everybody loves ice cream.

Let's celebrate it.

When you actually feel heard by your oh, thank you.

I can almost see Jesus in you.

Listen to what Jesus says.

If the person listens and confesses, it, you have won that person back.

When's the last time you celebrated working through a conflict?

Tammy and I, we've had lots of friends.

We've been at this church.

I mean, we're pushing 30 years at this church.

Yeah, a lot of friends, a lot of conflict.

But we lost a friendship for a period of years, and it was really, really difficult.

I felt like I did some things that were wrong.

I feel like they did some things that were wrong and we just couldn't solve it.

Isn't that sad when Christians can't give grace?

And they sent us a card, and my wife and I were in the kitchen and I saw the card.

I held the card up to her and I said, all they have to do to fix this is say, I'm sorry.

I opened the card.

Guess what it said?

Said, we're sorry.

Come on, come on.

And.

The Lord has blessed that friendship, blessed that relationship.

God has been so good to us.

We get to hang out again, enjoy each other again, celebrate each other again.

And here's the thing.

I want you to have that experience where the Lord can bring something that was broken back

together.

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Celebrate the wins.

Celebrate it, man.

With your kids, with your family, with your friends.

Just celebrate it.

Because here's why there will be more losses than wins in conflict.

Why is conflict so hard?

Because it involves challenging someone to change.

I'm fascinated by Albert Einstein for many reasons.

One is I love his hair.

Anybody else but that guy says some things that just blow me away.

And I'm not talking about the scientific things he said, but one of the things that stuck

with me for years is this.

He says, a person's intelligence can be measured by their ability to change.

That's what I am, staying exactly the same way.

Changing is a miracle.

Changing.

Oh, I hear what you're saying.

I'm going to change.

I'm going to be better.

I'm going to make a difference.

So we got to celebrate those and understand that when we confront somebody and when we

challenge them, if they change, it is a miracle.

Just like God removing cancer, we got to celebrate that.

Because most people, when they're challenged, hey, I believe this is sin.

It doesn't work out well.

It just doesn't.

Most people are not mature enough, smart enough, or able enough to change.

That's why C.

S.

Lewis said he believes that the gates of hell are locked from the inside.

They couldn't do it.

They couldn't make the change.

So here's the thing.

So what happens if you go to them, you talk to them, it gets worse.

It's not resolved.

Jesus teaches me to get outside help for unresolved conflict.

Can I just say this?

If you're married and you've been fighting over the same issue for years, you're not going

to solve it.

If you two could solve it, it would be fixed.

Sometimes we need outside advice.

So Jesus says, go to the person.

If that doesn't work, listen to this.

But if they will not listen, take one or two others along so that every matter may be

established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

Sometimes you think you're saying something you're not saying.

Sometimes you think you're hearing something you're not hearing.

One time, my wife and I, because we're super special, got in a big old fight right in

front of our son.

And my wife said, you said.

And I just looked at my son.

I was like, Is that what I said?

And praise God for his ears.

He's like, no, Father, that's not what you said.

But it's what my wife heard.

And had we not had a third party president, I got to be honest with you.

I was so upset.

I wasn't super clear on what I said.

Sometimes I just I'm spitballing.

So it's so awesome to sit down and let me say this.

If you care about your marriage, pay for counseling.

That's right.

If you're a parent today and you want to bless your kids, pay for counseling.

That's what I do with my kids, man.

If my kids want to go to counseling, I help.

I finance that.

I know who their dad was.

I know what their issues are.

And here's the thing.

Some of you parents, you're so concerned that they're going to talk about the things you

did wrong.

Every parent does things wrong.

And do you know why that is?

We didn't know what we're doing.

I tell my oldest daughter, I said, you're the first baby I ever held.

The nurse just gave her to me.

Tammy's sleeping, needed a break.

I was terrified of holding this little thing.

I loved her, and I was terrified by her men.

I don't think there's anything scarier than an infant.

So I challenge my kids, go to counseling, and it's okay.

I did things that were wrong.

I made mistakes.

And if you don't think you've made mistakes as a parent, you're not an honest parent.

Next, go to a trusted friend.

Ideally, someone that loves you and the person that you're upset with.

One time, Tammy and I, and I know you're like, gosh, you guys must fight a lot.

It's because we're passionate.

We were locked in, and it was the middle of the night.

You know what I did?

I said, we're going to go over to some friends in our small group.

And my wife said, I don't want to go.

I said, I don't care.

We're going because we can't figure this out.

And to her credit, she was mad at me, but she went.

She went.

And here's the thing.

Some of you are more concerned about being embarrassed than you are about being right with

the person that you love.

Go to a trusted friend.

We have this thing at Sandals Church called Soul Care.

You can come at any campus, and there are people in our church that are trained to listen

and will care for you.

We have ministers in this church.

We have marriage mentors in this church.

We have discipleship, group leaders for our teenagers at this church.

We have so many amazing this church has thousands upon thousands of people who love Jesus

and will love you and will help you, and they don't even charge you.

I wish I could charge you because I'd make some money, but it's free.

It's free.

That's the beauty of the church, is we have people who love us and come alongside us.

I remember years ago, I was doing some marriage counseling with a couple, and the husband

said, I want to know whose side you're on.

I said because I'm on God's side.

I'm on the marriage side.

And as far as I can tell, neither of you are on that side.

You see, that's the church's job, to be on the marriage's side.

But here's the thing.

Unfortunately, we live in a broken world.

We deal with broken people.

Sometimes we go to them, it doesn't work.

Sometimes we involve others, and it doesn't work.

Here's the beautiful thing about Jesus.

Jesus allows me to create relational boundaries.

Listen to what he says.

This is the teaching of Jesus.

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church.

And if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would as a pagan or a

tax collector.

There are some people in this world that are so toxic, so broken, that the best thing you

can do for them and yourself is to create a boundary.

And I know that's hard.

I know that hurts.

But I can tell you, as your pastor, one of the things I did the most poorly the first 20

years was create boundaries.

Some of us as Christians, we just keep getting in the cage with a gorilla and crying out

to God, why we keep getting beat up.

And he's like, Because you're in the cage with a gorilla.

Get out of the cage.

Get out of the cage.

You've all heard this.

Hurt people.

What?

Hurt people?

It's okay to establish a boundary, especially if we're talking about abuse, especially if

we're talking about criminal behavior.

Sometimes, as Christians, we're more broken than the world by telling people to get back

into the cage with the gorilla in Jesus name.

Jesus didn't come to Earth to punish us.

He came to heal us and to save us.

All right, we're going to close with this.

Jesus inspires me to keep praying for that person.

You don't have to be in a cage, but you do need to pray for them.

Listen to what Jesus said.

You have heard the law that it says love your neighbor and hate your enemy.

But I say love your enemies.

Listen to this and pray for those who persecute you.

This is so huge.

In that way, you will be acting as a true child of your Father who's in heaven.

Do you know what this world needs?

More true children of their Father who's in heaven.

I want you to imagine if your children started watching you act like a true child of your

Father in heaven.

I want you to think about your spouse's reaction if you started acting like a true child

of heaven.

I want you to think about this friendship that's broken if you started acting like a true

child of heaven.

Do you know what happens when you act like your Father who's in heaven?

It brings heaven down to earth and in your life.

So I want to challenge you.

Who's wounded you, who's hurt, who's said things about you, who's done things to you.

Let's pray for them right now in Jesus name.

And let's bring a little more heaven onto earth to bless our lives.

So let's bow our heads, let's close our eyes and let's pray right now.

Heavenly Father, you know every person, Lord, that's hurt us, that's wounded us, that's

done things to us.

Unfortunately, Lord, many of those people are Christians, some are pastors, some are

family members, some are ex husbands and ex wives.

For some of us, it's our parents or our children.

And Lord, this is the most painful area of our life.

And so we just ask for a little more heaven into our heart that's experiencing hell on

earth.

And we invite You, Lord Jesus right now to help us.

Pray for them, Holy Spirit.

Would you change them, speak to them it and lead them to repentance, Lord, so that they

might experience the grace and the love that I've received.

Lord, bless them in the way that you've blessed me.

Help them, Lord, in the way you've helped me.

I pray this in Jesus holy name.

Amen.