War XVI - Shame (A Testimony) - War: Satan, Demons & the Fourth Dimension

It's time now for the road with special guest speaker Kit Miller.

So what God did was he didn't like talk to me about my goodness.

He said to me, you need to repent.

Kit Miller, you need to repent of that.

Does that make sense?

See, that idea of repenting from shame doesn't really it doesn't work well.

Why should I repent of shame?

Tell me how good I am, right?

That's the that's the antidote to shame.

That is not the antidote to shame.

The antidote to shame is repentance.

Welcome to another edition of The Road.

It's our vision to make whole-hearted disciples of Jesus Christ and to see you grow in the grace and knowledge of his love.

If you're in the area, we welcome you to come out and join us for our Saturday night service.

Beginning at 6 p.m., we meet at Chapel Hills Church, located at 2025 Parliament Drive, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80920.

On this edition of The Road, we have a special guest speaker, Kent Miller.

Kent will be sharing with us his personal testimony and how the grace of God delivered him from all of his shame.

Here now with today's message, it's Kent Miller.

Tonight, our topic is shame.

Really, it is shame.

That's the topic.

I'm going to ask you to forgive.

So I want you to practice forgiveness.

Because this is not normally what I do.

I normally am in an office, usually, generally, with a couple or with an individual.

I just so appreciate it.

I came last Saturday night and I heard George speak.

And isn't George awesome?

He just he's he's right on it.

He speaks it, he knows it, he says it, he follows his PowerPoint.

It's so amazing.

So I have a PowerPoint.

I don't even know if I'm gonna follow it.

I can't promise you that I'll follow my PowerPoint.

I can't promise you that I'll end when it's supposed to end.

Will you forgive me in advance?

Please, please, please.

Because it's all kinds of pressure to follow a PowerPoint when all this stuff is going on inside my head.

I've got all this stuff, and you try to put it on PowerPoint, and Melody's up there doing a great job.

And even tonight I said, can you switch a phrase?

And my son had to go up and help.

And and so please, will you please practice the practice the gift of forgiveness?

Because I don't know where I'm going.

I got a PowerPoint.

I want to talk about shame.

I have an ending point.

We're gonna then move into worship and communion.

What a great time.

But really, really, the greatest joy I could have is if I could hear your story.

The stories of where are you from?

Because in Colorado Springs, almost nobody is from Colorado Springs.

Almost everybody is from someplace else.

So we start with story.

And it's story that connects people.

And it's story, I believe the narrative of story is where the redemption lies.

The redemption of our souls lies in our stories.

So I would love, I would really love if I could transport us all just into my office.

Because that's where I feel most together is in my office with two people.

So if you'll transport with me to my office, because I'll say, What are you here for?

What are you thinking about?

What's going on?

What's your story?

What are the struggles?

Because all of us, right?

We all have struggles.

So I appreciate so much this church, the road.

I appreciate so much Pastor Steve and what he's been talking about recently.

And part of what he's been talking about is shame and vulnerability.

Right?

Shame and vulnerability.

So if I could ask you, really, if you have a pencil and paper, because I'm going to ask you to do something in a little while, but if you could pull out your pencil and paper for later, that would be awesome.

But tonight our topic is shame.

But I'm going to take you through some stories.

So I just want to walk you through.

Here's some thoughts about shame.

And if you'll stay with me, please stay with me.

Be active listeners tonight.

I'm going to read you some quotes about this thing called shame.

This just thing called shame.

Okay?

Will you be with me?

Shame.

It's a lingering threat in our everyday encounters and experience.

Shame is an acid that strips us of our dignity and dissolves hope.

No other emotion portrays hell, the utter loss of intimacy, wonder, and joy.

Its corrosive effect is so strong that it can mold our souls and shape the directions of our heart.

Shame is so painful that we react against it perhaps more than any other difficult emotion.

But we must face the dread, listen, but we must face the dread of shame if we are to grow in joy and hope.

I would love for us tonight to acknowledge the fact that we might have shame.

But I also want us to see it as a gift so that we can walk out with joy and hope.

Let me pause for a moment.

I want to introduce.

I know that doesn't always happen, but I want to introduce because part of my story, my story is involving certain people.

So if you will, just for a moment, over to my right on this front row are people that are really important to me.

And they are very involved in my story.

So this is my mom.

Do a little of that, okay?

At the end, you can say hi to my mom.

Or now.

Next to her is my youngest son, Addison Miller, and he's 21.

And the reason why I'm so honored, I'm honored to have him here, because he's part of the story.

Next to him is my son-in-law, Andrew.

Next to him is my daughter, Nicole.

She's part of the story.

Next to her is my wife, Robin, and many of you have met my wife, Robin.

Because our story about my shame starts in some ways right here in this area.

One of the nights that we led worship, it was such a privilege.

We talked about, we talked about that.

So I was on staff years ago at Chapel Hills Church.

Did you know that?

Some of you did, some of you didn't.

This building was not part of that at this time.

That other chapel area, we built that church.

We built that church in 1983, 84.

Before that, it was called the Academy Baptist Church.

And when you came from Denver into Colorado Springs, there was a green brick church called the Academy Baptist Church, and it was kind of like a lighthouse on a hill.

It's the first thing you saw when you came into Colorado Springs.

Briargate was not even here.

It wasn't all these houses, none of this was here.

And they wanted that property over there.

And they said, we'll trade you five acres of property, we'll swap out land, and we'll give you a lot of money.

And they did.

And so we built this building.

We built that building.

So we served that church, Robin and I, but I want to tell you something.

And this is the story.

This is our story.

I committed adultery.

And when you commit adultery, you just don't commit adultery with one person.

You commit adultery against your mom.

Right?

And you commit adultery against your son, right?

And you commit adultery against your daughter, right?

And you commit adultery against your wife.

And you commit adultery against yourself.

And you commit adultery against the person that you do that with.

And you commit adultery with her children.

And you commit adultery with her husband.

And you commit adultery really with the body of Christ.

That's our story.

That's our story.

Happened really.

It happened right here.

So I want to tell you, I don't take it for granted.

Can you imagine that I get to stand here all these years later and tell you that story?

It's an amazing thing.

Because no one's really supposed to be able to do that.

But that's what God can do, church.

God can redeem those stories.

So let me tell you the story.

Remember, I've asked you for forgiveness already.

Because I have no idea where I'm at on my PowerPoint presentation.

Thank you, Melody.

We'll figure it out.

But I want you to stay with the story.

Can you do that?

So 1993.

1993.

Some of you were not yet born.

Many of you were.

Where were you in 1993?

Where were you?

We were here.

We were serving this church, Chapel Hills Church.

I was the worship leader.

I was the youth pastor.

I cleaned toilets.

Those toilets out there, I cleaned those.

That fellowship hall, we ate food there.

Amazing.

To be able to do this all these years later.

Robin was the fall of 1993.

The fall of 1993.

Think about it.

Where were you?

Some of you were not yet born.

Robin was pregnant.

That should take a little bit of your breath away.

She's pregnant with Addison.

It was Addison.

Nicole was ten.

She's now thirty-one.

Long time ago.

Shame.

That's what enters into this story.

So the church understandably discovered that.

They gave me an incredible amount of mercy.

They really wanted to be the church that would be able to say, we will figure out how to not just fire you, we'll figure out how to redeem you.

It's really hard for churches to do that.

Really hard.

But my heart was so dead, and my heart was so gone that I really opted out.

And Christmas Day of 1993.

1993.

Christmas Day.

Robin was eight months, three weeks pregnant with Addison at Christmas Day.

And she said, You're just not here.

You're just not apart.

You're just not.

You're not.

You're not fighting.

And so she said, I think you should go.

I said, Yeah, I think I should go.

So I went.

And a week later, Addison was born.

We had home birth.

Anyone else?

Anybody home birth people?

Yeah! Home birth, that's serious stuff.

It's not for the weak at heart.

It's pretty vulnerable, huh?

It's pretty vulnerable.

And Robin said, come to the birth.

Come to the birth.

So I got the call in the middle of the night.

Babies are always born in the middle of the night.

What's up, man?

Like at two in the morning or something.

So Robin's like, okay, it's time, come on.

So Addison, Addison was born.

I think Robin thought maybe that would, you know, shake me.

But it didn't.

Shame.

Shame.

Remember, that's our topic tonight.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

So she handed me our son.

She goes, Kent, here's our son.

This is our son.

Hoping I believe that it would make me go, whack, you know, whack, whack, whack.

It didn't.

Shame.

Shame permeated my life.

So I handed him back to her, theoretically, handed him back to her and left.

We were separated for three years.

Three years.

Three Thanksgivings, three Christmases, three anniversaries, three birthdays, three.

Three years.

Shame.

We got back together Thanksgiving day three years later.

Now that's about a thousand days.

Every one of those days was important.

A thousand days of story that I could share with you.

A thousand days about what God did.

What God did in Robin, what God did in Nicole, what God did in Addison, what God did in my mom, what God did in me.

Fast forward?

Fast forward.

Okay, so because I want to tell you about shame.

Now, my hope is that we just don't leave it with my story.

My hope is it will somehow embrace whatever shame you might be experiencing.

Because shame is a big deal.

So Robin was already attending a different church in town, and when we got back together, I started attending that same church.

And every Sunday we would sit like three rows back.

And I met Denny and I met Robin.

I met Steve.

And we worshiped hard at that church.

We worshiped hard, didn't we?

Didn't we?

We worshiped hard there.

And I always sat like three rows back because I felt like I would get the most splash of anointing.

You ever feel that way?

So when I'm here, you notice I sit in the front row because I want the splash.

I want the splash of the anointing.

So I always figure it's going to be a little stronger in the front than it is in the back.

So we always sat close to the front.

Shame.

Remember, the topic is shame.

Robin forgave me.

My kids forgave me.

My wife forgave me.

My mom forgave me.

My dad was alive at that time.

He forgave me.

But I carried something with me.

Because I really loved God.

Really loved God.

And as I grew up in my life, I thought, man, I have really ruined something.

You ever feel that way?

I have done something so bad.

So bad that God will not be able.

And really, that is the culture I grew up in.

Shame.

Robin forgave me.

In a sense, the prodigal came home.

There was a party, but there was something else lingering deep in my soul.

And it was shame.

Because I did not really believe that what I had done, what I had done, was going to be able to be what?

Forgiven or forgotten?

Or so in my culture, if you do something like that, we're sorry, buddy, but you're done.

That's the culture I grew up in.

I knew that.

I knew that going in.

You from that same kind of culture?

If you do that, you're just done.

And so Sunday after Sunday after Sunday, I would sit in strong worship and cry.

I knew that I had been forgiven from my wife and my daughter and my son and my mom.

But there was something else I was carrying with me.

Shame.

Shame.

On Monday nights, I would put my kids to bed.

We would put our kids to bed.

And I would go to the World Prayer Center with my guitar.

And find a room.

I'd play the guitar.

And I'd cry.

What I cried about was I was so sorry for what I had done to God.

That's what shame does.

Anybody feel that way?

Feel that way.

What I've done to God couldn't shake it, couldn't get rid of it, couldn't do it, couldn't do it.

I needed somebody to come alongside of me.

And in essence, pray that off of me.

So point, this is the point.

Okay.

Shame.

Some of you need someone to come alongside of you and pray the shame off of you.

I couldn't do it.

So here's the story.

I'm sitting three rows back, like we always do.

The song comes on.

Shout to the Lord.

You know it, right?

You can all sing it right now.

Shout to the Lord.

Shout to the Lord.

And I'm crying.

My hands are like this, and I'm crying.

Because I felt dirty because of the shame.

Well, that particular church had a woman that was considered the prayer person.

And if you could get prayed for by her, it was like golden.

Golden.

Now she's in heaven now.

Maybe some of you remember her.

Viola.

Viola.

And she always sat, Steve remembers, she always sat to the right.

And she was the prayer woman.

Now, some of you in this church, you're the prayer person.

And if I want prayer, I'm coming to see you.

Because I thought you will grab heaven and earth and hell, and you'll pray, and it will happen.

That's who Viola was.

So we're singing shout to the Lord.

And we're doing it loud.

And all of a sudden, I get a tap on my shoulder.

Tap, tap, tap.

I'm here, right?

I'm here.

You guys know how that is.

Like you don't want to be interrupted when you're doing that.

You're doing this.

Oh, God, thank you, Jesus.

Oh, I love that.

Tap, tap, tap.

It's like, but I'm crying too, because why?

Because the shame is still on me.

What I've done, Jesus.

What I've done.

Tap, tap, tap.

And so I'm like halfway through.

And I look to the aisle.

And there is an usher.

And he's looking at me.

And he's going, he's just doing this.

And I'm like, you know how you do that?

Like, he goes, yeah, you.

Come here.

So I work my way out.

Because you do that.

You know you're obedient.

You do that.

You don't question that stuff.

You do that.

And I'm at the end of the aisle, and he says, Viola wants to pray for you.

What?

What?

Viola wants to pray for me.

So he says, get on your face.

Get on your face.

Yes, sir.

I got on my face.

She kneels over me.

And she prays for me.

And she says, the father wants you to know that you are forgiven.

The father wants you to know that there is no shame.

The father wants you to know that it's okay.

I needed somebody to come alongside me and pray for me.

Tonight, there's going to be prayer, a prayer team over there, and there's going to be a prayer team over there.

And tonight, if you need somebody to come alongside of you and pray for you to break the shame, that's available tonight.

I needed somebody.

I want to tell you a couple other things.

Thank you.

It's all about story.

Shame.

Shame and story.

I also want to pay attention to our time.

Okay.

Okay.

Gotta go fast now.

Those stories take a long time.

One more story.

That did something to me that morning.

Robin had forgiven me.

My mother had forgiven me.

My son, he was a baby.

He's 21 now.

My children forgave me.

They were glad I was back.

But I couldn't shake the shame.

Tonight, if you have a shame thing on you, and you know what I'm talking about, because shame is different than guilt.

Shame is there's something wrong with me, not just I have done something.

Shame says to you, you are flawed.

I am flawed.

Versus, what I've done is not right.

Versus, a merry heart does good like a medicine, but a bulk broken spirit dries the bones.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones.

A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by the sorrow of heart the spirit is broken.

Do you see it?

If you're carrying shame this evening, there is a sickness in your soul.

Our good brother George talked about a lot of it last week in terms of praying that off of you.

This church is really going to step in to that.

Melody, if you'll let's just slide through the slides.

Alright, let's keep going.

I'll tell you when to.

Alright, let's go.

Okay, okay.

Shame is also a great gift.

This is the good news, you see.

It can reveal sin and draw forth desire.

If we honor shame as a severe mercy that can lead us to wonder and wholeness of worship, then we need not fear what will be drawn forth in the staggering moment of exposure, because that's what shame does.

It exposes.

We can face shame as an invitation to look into the eyes of the one who does not condemn.

But instead he offers grace, forgiveness, and freedom.

Amen is right.

So I want to tell you tonight, I want us to view shame as not a bad thing because it reveals stuff about us.

And you have a choice when you feel it, and it can draw you to worship, or it can draw you to more foolishness.

That's what shame does.

So shame is actually an invitation.

We've never thought of it that way.

We're always trying, trying.

But if you feel shame tonight, gratitude, sorrow, and worship are the mechanisms by which to walk into that.

You with me?

Stay with me.

All right, all right, we're going to stay on that slide and we'll go back one more.

Thank you.

That's awesome.

We ran through like 13 slides.

Sorrow, gratitude, and worship.

That's what shame can allow us to be part of.

Right?

You got it?

So, that long story I gave you, some of us need somebody to come alongside of us for us to tell our story, for somebody to pray off the shame.

I needed viola.

Some of you need a viola to pray off the shame.

Praise God.

Now, one more story.

Steve and I are texting buddies.

If you'd like to be a texting buddy with me, I'm glad to do that with you.

Steve texts me, Steve texted me, probably a Saturday morning, probably, a couple Saturdays ago.

And he, yeah, several Saturdays ago, and he said, I would like you to consider speaking on either the 10th or the 17th of October.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame shows up.

Immediately I thought, I'll just tell him no.

I have several reasons to say no, don't you?

I'm busy.

You know, I can politely go, thank you, thank you, old Dave.

But no.

So I went for a run.

Put my shoes on.

We live in Glen Eagle.

Went for a run.

On the run, God is like, are you kidding me?

What are you thinking?

Of course you're gonna do that.

Like, no, I'm not really going to do that.

And I had all these reasons.

Shame.

It was shame.

You want to know what it is?

I'll tell you what it is.

Because this is the second point I want you to think about tonight.

Because shame for me.

This is where my mind always goes.

What's up, Steve?

Like, I'm number ninth on your list, and the other eight guys couldn't do it.

Or the other eight women, whatever.

They couldn't do it, so he goes to number nine, and there is my name.

Shame.

That shame.

That shame.

And that permeates me to this day.

I'm not chosen.

I have to fight against that.

I have to run against that.

Because everything inside of me says, I'm not chosen.

And that one of the greatest things in my heart is, will I be chosen?

Will you choose me?

Will you choose me?

So I went through that whole thing.

Steve, I love Steve, but I thought, I'm like, ninth.

Well, this really took place in my life several years ago now, several years ago.

And I was invited to a ministry leader's think tank that met at Glenary.

Got it?

Ministry leaders think tank that met at Glenary.

And I'm thinking, what?

I'm not on that list.

I am not on that list.

But I said, I'll come.

But as I'm driving, as I'm driving to Glen Airy, I'm thinking, they're going to go through the list and they're going to go, hmm, Kent Miller.

No, not on that page.

You're not on our list.

That is shame.

The shame of not being chosen.

So what God did was He didn't like talk to me about my goodness.

He said to me, you need to repent.

Kent Miller, you need to repent of that.

Does that make sense to you?

See, that idea of repenting from shame doesn't really, it doesn't work well.

Why should I repent of shame?

Tell me how good I am, right?

That's the antidote to shame.

That is not the antidote to shame.

The antidote to shame is repentance.

Because how I feel in the moment was the most important thing.

So this is what God said to me.

So I park my car in Glenary, going, I'm thinking in my head, right?

What am I thinking?

I'm not on the list.

I'll get in there, they'll go through the list, they will not find my name, and it will be incredibly shameful.

So God said to me, Kent, it rhymes, repent.

And I said, God, how should I repent?

Because when you think of repentance, what do you think of?

What's your first thought as you think of repentance?

It's like sackcloth and ashes.

It's like, uh, but what he said to me, he said, repent.

I said, God, how should I do that?

And he said, laugh.

Laugh.

Laughter for me is repentance.

Laughter from my gut.

You know the word gaffaw?

Have you anybody know, right?

It's a seventh grade spelling word.

Gafaw.

Deep in your gut, laugh.

Because the enemy of your soul wants to bring shame on you.

And the antidote for me of shame is laughter.

Make sense?

I'm gonna ask you tonight, what is it for you?

What is it for you?

The antidote of shame for me is laughter from my gut.

Ha! That's the best you can do.

So I'm laughing as I'm going into Glenary.

And on a couple Saturdays ago, because it's not like it's gone.

A couple Saturdays ago, Steve texted me and he said, Hey, you want to speak?

My first response was shame.

What's the matter, Steve?

Eight other guys couldn't say yes.

And I'm running.

And God says, Of course you're going to do that.

But laugh.

Laugh.

Ha! Ha! Are you kidding me?

Do you understand?

Let me help you understand.

For me to stand before you tonight with the story that I have, we should laugh.

For me to be able to stand before you is a miracle.

What God has done, and not just what God has done, but who God is.

Because He's the redeemer of our souls.

He does not want you to live in shame.

I'm asking you tonight to think through what it is for you.

What mechanism is it for you to combat shame?

What is it?

For me, it's laughter.

Now, it's also crying.

I've cried for three days.

I cried all day today to recall the stories.

Because all those stories are true.

So, Melody, go to the next slide.

Okay.

Pencil and paper.

Pencil and paper.

Pencil and paper.

Oh my lord, sorry.

Okay.

Instead of the three, just do one.

But I have three up here because when I do it for small groups, we can get three done.

Alright.

If you can, this is just you.

This is not about your family or your spouse.

You don't have to share it with anybody.

I'm not asking you to share it with anybody.

The one most shameful thing that has happened to you.

What is it?

The one most thing, the thing that is the most that has happened to you.

What is it?

The most shameful thing you have done.

What is it?

Write it down.

The one most shameful thing about me.

For me, I don't ever feel like I'm chosen.

It's a bummer.

But I work through it.

I work it.

I laugh.

The one way I cover my shame that is only known to me.

What is it?

What is it?

What do you do?

Some of you do not feel shame.

I understand that.

But most of you do.

Some of you don't.

But most of you do.

Something that you've done, something that's been done to you.

Well one more time.

The most shameful thing you that has happened to you, the most shameful thing that you have done.

The most shameful thing about you.

The way you cover your shame that only you know.

Rabbo, come on up.

Get ready.

Shame is a big deal.

Many of you have experienced it.

And are experiencing it tonight.

Shame.

You can't get rid of it.

It's like Anya.

Anya.

Tonight, like Viola.

If you want somebody to pray that off of you, there'll be people over here, prayer team, prayer team there and there.

Run.

Don't walk.

Run.

Let them pray over you.

We also take communion each Saturday night.

Communion is awesome.

Healing can take place in communion.

Taking the Lord's blood and his body.

Healing can take place.

Run.

Don't walk.

Next slide, Melody.

Okay, those words are really little.

Aren't they?

Man, they are so little.

I was so disappointed when I saw that.

No shame.

Hey, a little while ago, when I came up on stage, listen to me.

So I came up on stage and the worship team was finishing up.

So I walk up on stage, they're kind of getting off, they don't know who I am.

So I walk up on stage, I do this, I do this, I do this, I do.

And then my foot catches this thing.

There's a thing.

And I fall like on my face.

I had to decide.

No shame.

No shame.

I laughed.

So if you ever walk in the pier, there is a lip.

Right there.

No shame.

No shame.

No shame.

Because everything inside of me also wanted to be embarrassed.

I'm clutchy.

I don't know.

I don't know them well.

I'm embarrassed in front of them.

What is who is this guy?

He's supposed to speak tonight and he falls flat on his face.

Shame.

Wants to take you.

Laughter for me.

What will it be for you?

You have been listening to the road with special guest speaker, Kent Miller.

We pray that you've been blessed by the message today.

Our hope is to make wholehearted disciples of Jesus Christ, and that's why we teach the Word of God verse by verse, scripture by scripture, and precept upon precept.

We're excited about all the things God is doing in the lives of our faithful listeners.

We understand that there are many trials and tribulations in this world, and we'd love to be able to pray for you as you encounter difficult times.

Please drop us a note and let us know how we can pray for you.

Write us at the road, P.O.

Box 88485-Colorado Springs, Colorado 80908.

If you've been blessed by this message, please let us know as well.

Again, the address is The Road, P.O.

Box 88485 Colorado Springs, Colorado 80908.

If you're in the area, please stop on by and join us at The Road for our Saturday night service at 6 p.m.

We meet at Chapel Hills Church, located at 2025 Parliament Drive, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80920.

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As always, we covet your prayers.

Thanks again for tuning in today, and be sure to catch us again next time for another edition of The Road with Pastor Steve Holt.