Honor in Parenting - Ephesians: Born for War

Hey, I'm Steve Holt, the senior pastor of The Road at Chapel Hills.

This is the Road Podcast.

Thanks for joining us.

My heart is to empower you to change the world.

I hope this message impacts you.

Okay, well, you know, you guys remember we were in the book of Ephesians a long time ago.

We were in the book of Ephesians.

We got to chapter 6, and then we came into Advent and we did a series, and then we've had another kind of, we've had a group of different messages.

We had Eric Mataxis here.

We've had different speakers.

And so I want to get back and finish up Ephesians.

So we're in Ephesians chapter six.

And just a reminder to all of us, I consider Ephesians to be like a war manual.

It's like a manual on how to battle against forces of evil in our society and in our culture and even in our own life.

And so the first part, I mean, is a reminder, chapters 1 through 3 is our position and our authority as a church of Jesus Christ, making known the glory of the gospel to principalities and power.

So what the first three chapters are talking about is that when you live righteously, when you live a holy life, when you live a loving life, when you're loving God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, you're actually impacting darkness, not just on earth, but even in the fourth dimension.

You're a fourth-dimensional Christian as you go through Ephesians.

You're not just a three-most most Christians today are three-dimensional Christians.

And what I mean by that is that their impact is so limited that it's only those that are around them a little bit because they don't pray, they don't spend time in God's word, they're not powerful, they're not fired up.

But when you start becoming powerful and you start making the word of God a part of your life, you start living the word of God, you actually become a fourth-dimensional Christian because your life now affects the demonic principalities and powers actually in the heavenly realm.

That's why, that's why I would say, so let's just take, well, Greg's here, let's just take someone who's in the sheriff's department or the police department or in the FBI or something like that, that they now have the Holy Spirit in partnership.

So they're in partnership with the Holy Spirit.

That means that God can give them insight into evil, insight into maybe what's happening in a community supernaturally that the average person would not know and would not have.

That's a fourth-dimensional Christian.

So the first three chapters are talking about how to live that life.

Chapters four through six become very practical.

So in four through six in Ephesians, he's talking about the practical power and authority you have in living your life.

And in so doing, he's actually leading us to chapter six, which is what we're gonna start today, which is about warfare, spiritual warfare.

There's spiritual warfare happening for the power and the anointing of the local church right now.

There are churches right now that are compromising their perspective on the word of God, on the preaching of the word, in order to get as many people in the sanctuary as they can.

There are churches today, long time ago, probably in the last 75 years, because this way I grew up, I grew up in a liberal Lutheran home that I would call it neo-orthodoxy from a theological perspective, where basically the liturgy and the framework of the service itself, I mean, no one would admit this, but I think it's actually true, was more important than the presence of the Holy Spirit showing up.

Now, the reason I know that is because the charismatic movement began to sweep in in the 1960s into the Episcopal, the Methodist, and even some of the evangelical churches, and they rejected it because here's what happens: when the Holy Spirit begins to move, he takes over.

What a novel thought that the one who builds the church that the gates of hell cannot prevail against might want to be head of his church.

But when he becomes head of his church, it means the pastor's not.

And so I'm not the head of this church.

Jesus Christ is a senior pastor of this church.

I'm a small S and a small P, but he's a capital S and the capital P.

And he does, and we we pray, we don't do it perfectly, of course, but we pray that he has access to everything that we're doing in this church.

And we follow what he leads us to do in partnership with him.

So then in Ephesians 4, 5, and 6, starting in 5, verse 18, he begins to talk about marriage.

He begins to talk about the marriage relationship between a man and a woman.

And that's when I wrote my book, The God Wa Marriage, based on Ephesians 5, 18 through 33.

So 18 says, do not be drunk with wine, but be filled with the Holy Spirit.

So here's the premise.

I'm setting this all up for chapter 6.

That to have a successful marriage, both people need to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

So he talks about the filling of the Holy Spirit in verse 18, and then he moves right into the role of the woman, the role of the husband.

And by the way, there's four verses for the role of the woman, there's nine verses for the role of the man.

Because we're hard of hearing, we don't get it.

Okay, women get it a lot faster, and that's absolutely the truth.

Absolutely the truth.

And so now he's moving into parenting.

He's talking about the family.

Because in my life, this is really true, that when Matthew 6.33 says, seek first the kingdom of heaven, and all these things shall be added unto you.

I believe that that's related to marriage and family, because when we put Christ first, the all things shall be added unto you.

The divine order gets lined up in your family.

So if you've got a woman that you've married that's going after God, and you as a husband are going after God, and you guys are united, he's now going to instruct us how to then unite the family.

Get the whole family under the umbrella of the honor and the blessing and the power of the Holy Spirit.

So we're in Ephesians 6, 1 through 4.

And in my life, that's the order I try to live by.

I don't do it perfectly, of course.

I don't think anybody does.

But um look at Ephesians 6, 1 through 4.

Children.

So first he's talking about husbands, then he's talking about wives.

Now he says, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth.

And you fathers, do not provoke your children wrath.

And I think it's interesting that he's talking to fathers here, because fathers they think struggle the most with the relationship with their kids and getting angry and getting upset.

Anyone ever get angry with their kids?

Okay, the rest of you guys are total liars.

You know you do.

So do not, so fathers, do not provoke your children wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Now, I'm gonna just open up today about honor, okay, and the importance of honor.

Now, if you read this whole verse, all four verses, the first part is talking about children obeying their parents, but verse four is really about the, in this case it's the husband, but I would just by implication say, husband and wife, honor your children.

I mean, a lot of problems could be alleviated in the home if parents would honor their kids.

You say, Well, they don't honor me.

Well, they don't honor me because you don't honor them.

And you're the adult in the room, at least physically.

I know kids, I know kids that are more mature than their parents.

And it's sad.

But it's amazing, actually.

It's sad and amazing.

It's sad because of that circumstance, but it's amazing.

Have you ever noticed some of the greatest kids come out of the most screwed up homes?

And then some of the most messed up kids come out of the greatest homes.

I mean, it's amazing to me.

So here's one thing I will say as a caveat over it all is that kids will do what they're gonna do, but I'll tell you this: what we're trying to do is we're trying to lay down a training center.

See, I see the home as a training center.

Liz and I've always felt that way.

Even back in Japan when we had uh we had Anna and Daniel for the first time, we said, let's build a training center.

So we always felt like it was a kingdom of God training center.

So I want to talk about that next week.

I want to talk about how to build a training center.

How do we build a training center in the home?

How do we make it the most joyful, exciting, missional place it can be?

And it starts with the parents, so it begins there.

And so I want to talk about honor here this morning and how important honor is because if you feel honored, it's amazing what you can do.

And it's God's divine order that a marriage should have honor.

And actually it's scriptural.

So it's amazing.

Write down in your notes, you're taking notes, write down Jeremiah 29, 4 through 7.

Jeremiah 29, 4 through 7.

So even in Israel, now this is this is crazy, you guys, that Israel has been captured by the Babylonians.

And so they are in captivity, and this is what God says to them.

He says this to them through the prophet Jeremiah while they're in captivity.

Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all who have been carried away captive, whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon.

Listen to what he says.

Build houses and dwell in them, plant gardens and eat their fruit.

Take wives and beget sons and daughters, take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters, that you may increase there and not diminish.

And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the Lord for it, for its peace.

You will have peace.

So here they are, they're captured, and he's saying, Bring peace to Babylon.

And the way you bring peace to Babylon is prosper.

You guys, prosper, build houses, get married, have families, take over the place.

Take over the place.

Have a bunch of kids and have Israelites everywhere.

Make the Babylonians want you to be there because you're so prosperous.

You bring peace.

You're a peace person, you're a peacemaker.

That's why he's gonna say in Ephesians 6 shod your feet with the gospel of peace.

We're supposed to be peacemakers wherever we go.

And he's saying it starts in the home.

Moms and dads, be peacemakers.

Build peace in the home, build a family, have kids, encourage the building of homes, prosper, prosper, prosper.

That's the great witness that you have.

That's in the Old Testament.

So now he gives us some specifics and he says, children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right.

Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.

So let me give you a definition of children.

The definition of children means those still under the authority and care of their father and mother.

Those still under the authority and care of their father and mother.

So I'm taking it out of age.

So if you're 35 years old and you're still under the authority and care of your mother and father, you're a child.

And if you're 18 and you've left the authority and care of your parents and you're now in your own, you're an adult.

So he's saying to those who are still under the authority and care of their mother and father, they might be living in the basement and playing video games all the time.

You're still a child.

I don't care what your age is.

Might have even graduated from law school, might have graduated from med school, and you're still in the basement playing video games, you're a child.

So he's talking about those that are under the authority and care of their family.

Now, in this church, it's amazing.

We raise good kids.

We do.

I mean, most of the time we raise good kids around here.

When I see all these young people, you guys back in the back on uh doing cameras and sound, and you're involved in worship, and you're part of the academy, and you're gonna be a part of Empower You, and we start that.

I mean, I see young adults.

Now they may still be living with their parents, but these guys are getting set to go.

They're getting set up to go and they're making an impact.

And to you guys, honor your parents.

Honor your parents.

Bless them, honor them.

They're not perfect.

But God's saying that if you'll honor them, it'll go well for you.

Anybody here that doesn't want it to go well for them, then dishonor your parents.

And some of you are probably doing that right now.

You dishonor your parents by the way you talk and the things that you say, and it's not smart for you.

It's not smart in your relationship with your parents, but it's not smart for you.

I think it's interesting that he says, children, obey your parents in the Lord, honor your father and mother, that it may go well for you.

So it's it's kind of selfish in a way.

Selfishly, you should honor your parents.

And I try to honor my parents even at my age, which in my case is easy because of the kind of um dad that I have.

I mean, he's just he's an honorable person.

But in many of your cases, that's not true.

Now you can honor without trust.

So some of your parents have not earned trust because of the things that they did to you and the things that they're up to.

They're up to no good.

And so you can honor them in the sense of keeping your distance from them, and you can honor them in your words, but it doesn't mean you have to trust them or even have a close relationship with them if that's not advantageous.

So let me just say this that any parent, let me just say this to adults and children in the room, any parent that is encouraging their children to do things that are unrighteous and wrong, you don't have to honor that.

You can honor them in the sense that you keep your distance and you're not speaking evil against them, but this is not saying you're supposed to obey their commands if they're unrighteous and they're wrong and they're sinful.

And if there's sexual abuse happening in this place, you need to report it.

You need to report them.

Report it to the authorities.

That's wrong.

That is not right.

That is not godly.

And I don't care what kind of words they say or how often they go to a church service, if there's sexual abuse going on, report it.

And you'll say, well, that's not gonna go well for me.

You gotta think long term, not short term.

So there are situations even in this city right now where there's division and there's rumor in particular organizations that I love, and it breaks my heart.

Because we're to be peacemakers.

Nobody that we have a relationship with peace agrees a hundred percent on everything.

Like I'm gonna go into a debate, I'm in a debate Wednesday a week at Third Space on whether signs and wonders and miracles are for today.

Okay, it's gonna be an awesome debate.

I was working on it.

I can't wait.

It's gonna be so much fun.

And uh, so if you want to come to Third Space at 6:30 in the morning on the 23rd of February, I'll I'll speak for eight minutes.

The guy who believes in cessationism will speak for eight minutes, and then I have four minutes to rebut what he says, and then we have two minutes for final remarks and then QA.

It's gonna be really fun.

Well, here's the deal we may differ theologically, but we can be unified in love for Jesus.

That's what I want to see in the city.

That's what we want in the city.

We can have different political views, but why can't we be unified in making El Paso County the greatest county in America?

Why can't we make Colorado Springs the greatest city in America?

We can.

We can work, we can find common ground that we can work from.

Doesn't mean we compromise one bit on truth.

It just means that we love in spite of our differences.

And we love through truth.

So honoring your parents, this is important.

Now, verse 4, because I know there's more adults than there are children, so I'm gonna camp on verse four.

And you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

I have provoked my children to wrath so many times.

With seven kids, I'm sure every one of them could tell you a story about how dad provoked them to wrath.

So we've all made that mistake.

So nobody's perfect here, and and yet we can grow.

And I think the the issue here is what are we, what are what kind of atmosphere and what is our what is our purpose in parenting?

Well, here's what I believe our purpose is three things.

Number one is dependence.

When when kids come up, they are completely dependent on us for everything that they need.

And so to be able to provide the food and the clothing and the room and the things like that that they need is dependence.

And by them knowing that they can depend on you, that's their first image of an authority figure, which is setting them up to become Jesus followers.

So if you're not dependent in your, if you're not trustworthy in the things that you say and they don't feel like they can depend on you, you're inconsistent, you need to repent of that and start working on that.

Because if you say one thing and you do the other, you're you're building a lack of trust that will reflect in the relationship with God the Father.

I can't tell you, and we have wholehearted men, on Tuesday morning, 330 guys there, how many of them have a father wound?

Some have a mother wound, but I think the father wounds probably more prevalent, where they had a father they couldn't depend on.

He was untrustworthy.

I don't care if he said he was a Christian or not.

Matter of fact, saying he's not a Christian is probably better than saying he was a Christian, actually at home he's a hypocrite.

That scars people deeper.

The people who say, Oh, we love Jesus, and they're raising their hands and they're involved in this committee and that committee, and they beat their kids when they get home.

Those kids rarely become Jesus followers because they see the hypocrisy in their dad.

Well, because of that father wound, I'm constantly having to teach, train, equip how do we get over that father wound?

How do we get over that father wound?

So let's do a good work around here of building less father wounds.

So the first thing is dependence.

We're building deep.

Second would be interdependence.

So as we disciple our kids, they're independent, I mean they're dependent on us, and now we're gradually, as they start to move into the teen years, this is my philosophy, is that you're building interdependence.

So that means that they should have jobs, they should have responsibilities, they have some things they have to do, clean up their room.

I mean, that would be like a miracle, right?

Okay.

That's sign, that's the first sign and wonder I should mention when I when I speak.

How many in this room, how many of you have kids that clean their room?

And you know, how many don't have you need more signs and wonders, man?

You don't believe.

But but you know, those kind of things, and then taking out the trash, and you you change, you know, it grows with time.

And what I've told my kids from time to time is, you know, it's kind of like you're paying back what you get.

So whenever we have this little conflict about something, I say, wait, now who's making the meals?

Uh who's paying for the bed you you're in?

Uh who got you your first car?

Da-da-da.

And they're like, okay, dad, I'll get I'll take care of it, you know.

So so the reality is you're starting to, you it's it's your job as parents, men and women, to start training your kids in finances, start training your kids in jobs at the house that they need to do, because you're going from dependence to interdependence.

And we make a mistake if we don't do that.

Right?

Because they go off to college and suddenly they're thrown, those that go to college, they're thrown into a world of independence, but they never learned interdependence because independence is where you want to get them.

And that's the third point is independence.

Independence is you don't need me anymore except as a friend.

I'm your parent.

I want to be there, but now the status in the relationship has changed, and you are now empowered to go for it.

And God has given you a head on your shoulders, He's given the ability to now go forward in the things of the Lord and in your vocation and stuff.

So I think that parenting, and I'll elaborate more on this next week, is dependence to interdependence to independence.

So, grace atmosphere versus law atmosphere.

Now, this is important because so many fundamentalists, and I consider us a fundamentalist church in the sense that we believe in the fundamentals of the faith.

But I don't, here's I love fundamentalists, but I don't like fundamentalism.

Fundamentalism is this view that's always judging everybody else out there, saying that you're always right, and then a law atmosphere where you almost like worship the law.

And I want to challenge us that we need a great more of a grace atmosphere than a law atmosphere.

And I'll say that about my parents.

My parents gave me such a great grace atmosphere.

I mean, it was just awesome.

So mom and dad really trusted me.

And because they trusted me, and yet I knew the moral fabric of their lives, and even in the teaching that they gave me, I understood what it meant to honor my parents.

And so I'll tell you what, as an athlete, especially at Georgia, a lot of opportunities to compromise sexually.

Lots.

We had groupies following us everywhere.

And um and yet I had that fabric, even though I wasn't really saved yet, I had this fabric in me that I am gonna save myself for marriage.

And so I got into these situations, usually through drinking, there was something with drinking parties and stuff like that, that that I just fundamentally in my heart knew I could just, here's the thing, honestly, I could see the face of my mom.

I can still hear my mom saying, son, if you get a girl pregnant, we'll still love you.

But you have you you may have ruined your life.

It's gonna change the trajectory of your life forever.

So don't get in bed with any of those women.

And I remember the bed and the women and hearing mom say that.

And all I could think about, there could get a kid could come out of this.

Man, am I nuts or what?

And then I just escort him out and I'd save myself, and then I met Liz, and we were we had an awesome honeymoon.

We had an awesome honeymoon.

I saved, I waited.

It was a good thing.

No regrets.

And I think it built trust within us because if you're not trustworthy before marriage, all you that are dating right now, if they're not trustworthy before marriage, they will not be trustworthy after marriage.

Matter of fact, they'll be less trustworthy because they got you.

And I know enough about guys and the way they think that they'll get you any way they can.

So if you have any thoughts about that, any sense about that, man, break up with them, you know, yesterday, because they're they're probably up to no good.

So a grace, a grace atmosphere, though, here's what I mean by that, is that love is the highest priority.

Grace and love is a higher priority than the law.

And I say that because I am talking about law issues here, but I'm saying that from the perspective of I trust you.

And you trust them to the degree that they have the maturity to be trusted.

Does that make sense?

So we had some pretty clear boundaries, and I'll talk about that more next week.

But a grace atmosphere, this is the way I would describe it, a law atmosphere is making the law the highest priority, obeying the law is emphasized.

A grace atmosphere is an atmosphere of understanding and love, where loving God with all of your heart is the emphasis.

Not perfection, not the standards for an adult, but learning to be gentle and understanding with your children.

So you're shepherding your child's heart, and that's where I want to close today.

The book, I think, the number one best book I've ever read on parenting is called How to Really Love Your Child by uh Dr.

Ross Campbell, D.

Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child.

Um, love this book, written by a clinical psychologist, Christian, four key legs to uh loving your children.

Now, let me give you a rubric over this.

The rubric over this is that kids know that you love them intellectually, but they don't know that you love them emotionally unless you do these four things.

In other words, there's there's an intellectual understanding of love, but then there's a heart relationship that you have with your kids of love.

And these are the four things that Ross Campbell has found to be so vitally important.

Here's the first one.

The first one is focused attention.

The first is giving your kids focused attention.

In some of your cases, giving your grandchildren focused attention.

Studies show that kids who have parents who are always, quote unquote, busy feel a lack of love.

Kids that feel like there's always busyness in the home feel a lack of love.

I don't care how many times you say to them that we love you, we love you, we love you, but if you're always busy in the home, studies show kids feel a lack of love.

Studies show that hurriedness means I don't really matter.

That's a quote from Ross Campbell.

Studies show that hurriedness means to a child, I don't really matter.

And what Liz used to do, which I thought was really fun, and I still think it's really cool, she would go and flop herself down in the middle of the room with the kids.

They'd be all in a room talking, jabbering, and she would just go and sit in there.

And Liz was so good at not being hurried.

Now I'm the hurrier, okay?

So I've failed on a lot of these fronts.

But Liz was always so good at being calm and cool and collected, in well, not in every case.

I mean, sometimes I'm more cool than her on something, but but she's better at it most of the time.

And so do you understand what I'm saying?

About focused attention means you're not in a hurry.

You're not just running all over, but you've got time to talk about issues that really matter.

Talk about dating.

Talk about your quiet time, having time with the Lord, if you're having one.

If you're not having one, repent and start having one.

Um, talk about the latest book that you're reading with your kids.

Tell them why you like that book.

I mean, I grew up in a world where books were everywhere, and that may not be your world.

But my mom and dad were always talking about.

And you guys have heard me say this before, I'll repeat it for you that are new to our church.

That, you know, people say, well, we talk about two things we don't talk about in our families, religion and politics.

In the whole family, that's all we talked about.

We weren't interested in anything else but religion and politics.

And so I was birthed into that, so it's easier for me than maybe for some of you to be in an atmosphere like that, even talking about sex.

And so when we were in the kitchen, and Josh and Mary know this, they're Josh and Mary getting married in July, and we've been in the kitchen many times.

I said, How's it going?

What?

And we talk about it.

Listen, you've got to demystify this stuff, you guys.

You've got to get it out in the sunshine.

So focus attention.

Number two, eye-to-eye contact.

Eye to eye contact.

If you can't look at someone you're talking to eye to eye, don't trust them.

When I meet some of you up here, meet you in the lobby, or we have a meeting, or I have staff, and they can't look me in the eye when we're talking, there's something in me that goes they're hiding something.

Eye-to-eye contact is about transparency.

It's actually a, and I don't I don't mean to degrade parenting in this way, but just hear what I'm saying.

I train bird dogs, right?

So I've had three bird dogs that I've trained, and you have to have eye-to-eye contact with the dog.

I mean, you get down there when you're working with them, because I'm not a beat the dog type guy.

I'm a I guess I'm more of an eye-to-eye contact dog whisperer, whatever.

But but I look at the dog and I repeat the command, and then we work on it.

So eye-to-eye contact is important in parenting.

And then thirdly, physical contact.

Appropriate physical contact.

Appropriate touching, a pat on the back, a hug, holding hands.

Boys and girls need hugs.

Wrestling with our boys.

Don't wrestle with your girls.

Um but it but but getting on the floor and grappling in a playful way is good.

It's good.

Boys feel loved that way.

Girls feel loved when you hug them and when you hold their hands and when you tell them how beautiful they are.

And it's appropriate physical touching.

And then fourthly, discipline, boundaries, having boundaries.

Your standards of boundaries will expand with time and trustworthiness.

So grace for the obedient, law for the lawbreaker.

That's kind of been our philosophy.

Grace for the obedient and law for the lawbreaker.

So if you and you're gonna have kids like this, they're always breaking the laws, and so you're gonna have to have appropriate um consequences for that.

Because here's the thing, you and you don't have to you don't have to always spank your kids.

I I actually feel like spanking is is so remedial.

I'll tell you what works better.

Run around the house in a snowstorm.

I want you to run set, I want you to run seven times around the house.

Dad, it's snowing.

It's like four inches of snow.

Well then put on some boots, put on your pants, and run.

Not walk, run seven times.

I want to see you out this window.

I'm gonna be watching, I'm gonna be counting.

Okay.

Go up, clean up your room.

I want everything cleaned up and vacuumed.

Clean our carpet.

I mean, there's so many better ways to bring discipline.

It's harder work, and you're hitting two birds with one stone by having them actually do something that's helpful.

Hey, thanks for listening to the Road Podcast.

It's been my joy to be a part of your life today.

And you know, that's part of what we do here at The Road, and this is what I do in having this Road Podcast is to empower people to change their world.

My passion and desire is that you would take God's word through the power of the Holy Spirit and make that relevant for your life.

You know, the reality is that God has placed your life here on this earth to make a difference.

And if you'd like more information about how to grow in Christ, if you need prayer, if you want more equipping in different areas of your life, go to theroad.org.

God bless you.