Scars on the Soul | Pastor Chip Parker | Week 3

So we are coming to the end of Scars on the Soul.

At least this time, I'm sure we will be bringing the series back again because once again, we've already heard so many stories about how the series has been impactful and how it's brought to light a lot of issues that people struggle with but don't often feel comfortable talking about, even in a church context.

And really, that should never be the case.

We should, as the church, be willing to lean into these difficult conversations.

We know that our only hope of change in life is to turn our eyes towards Jesus, to see him, to be changed, to be like him.

But sometimes all of these things that we're dealing with, whether loneliness or grief, depression or anxiety, it can just make it harder to see.

And so sometimes we need a little help to be able to see Jesus clearly.

I've used this quote every time, I think, that we have preached in this series, this time or a few years ago.

So I'm gonna do it one more time.

Just a quote from my favorite pastor, Charles Haddon Spurgeon.

He says, We very speedily care for bodily diseases.

They are too painful to let us slumber in silence, and they soon urge us to seek a physician or a surgeon for our healing.

Oh, if we were as much alive to the more serious wounds of our inner man, if we were as deeply sensible of spiritual injuries, how earnestly should we cry to the beloved physician?

And really, I think that's what this series has been all about is crying out to our beloved physician Jesus about how he would heal each of these wounds that leave these scars on our souls.

And today we're gonna end by talking about the reality of estrangement.

And that's not a word, I guess, that we use often in normal, everyday conversation.

Uh, and when we say estrangement, we're just not talking about separation in marriages, when when couples separate or even divorce, although that is one form that estrangement can take.

What estrangement is, is it's the emotional or physical distancing between people.

It often involves a ceasing of communication, a loss of affection.

It just results in a state where there's no longer a relationship there.

Uh you see in uh estrangement, alienization, uh alienation, hostility, a deep sense of separation.

And this is not just in marriages, but in family relationships, in friendships, uh all over the place.

As a matter of fact, probably the most common form of estrangement today is between parents and kids.

As a matter of fact, a recent study showed that about 26% of young adults experience some type of estrangement from one or both of their parents.

And even right on the heels of that, a second uh in estrangement is estrangement between siblings, with about 25% experiencing some form of estrangement with a brother or a sister.

So estrangement is a family issue, those we love the most that they hurt the most.

It's a marriage issue, it's a friendship issue.

And I think the other side of estrangement is that when we see it, it can often be, it's either voluntary or involuntary.

As in, it can be your choice to enter into this estrangement, or it can be a choice that is forced upon you.

It could be someone else saying, I don't want you to talk to me, reach out to me, contact me anymore.

Uh, it can be defined just like that, where we say, you know what, we're done, we're not talking, we're not communicating anymore, or it can be very nebulous and left very open-ended where though nobody said those words, it's clear that we're not talking, we're not communicating, and there's not a desire to anymore.

And when we look at what estrangement is caused by, I mean, it's caused by a ton of different issues.

In fact, estrangement usually is not caused by one single issue or one single event.

There may be like one straw that really pushes the relationship over the edge, but there's normally a series of events or habits that have created tension in the relationship and strained the relationship for a much longer period of time.

And I think even in our world today, we see a rise in estrangement because of just something as simple as the difference of values in our different generations.

Uh, one generation, say the older baby boomers or Gen Xers, they inherited from their parents a view of a family bonded by blood, duty, and commitment.

And to their minds, families should stick together no matter the cost, no matter what anyone says or does.

And yet, that generation didn't raise their children to share those convictions.

Younger generations, like millennials and Gen Z have inherited from their parents a view of family that exists to fulfill them personally and to bring them happiness.

And these two views of family can't coexist, and they often lead to very intense intergenerational conflict.

David Brooks, author and columnist for the New York Times, reported that there seems to be a generational shift in what constitutes abuse.

Practices that seem like normal parenting to one generation are conceptualized as abusive, overbearing, and traumatizing to another.

And while older parents may feel that they are being loving, the adult children feel they are being smothered and won't out.

And with such strong disagreements, unity is really impossible.

And besides those differences, we have a culture today that is fiercely divided by religion, by politics, by morality.

And what we see is instead of estrangement being driven by actual mistreatment inside the relationship, we're seeing more and more estrangement being driven by simple disagreement inside of the relationship.

Estrangement is a complicated issue.

It is a heavy issue that no one really likes to talk about openly.

But the question that we have to wrestle with is how should we approach estrangement as followers of Jesus?

As followers of Jesus, we are to look at the world differently, we're to look at relationships differently, and so we're to look at estrangement differently.

And I think that we find our answer as we do in all things by drawing some principles out of God's word for how we as his followers, as his children, uh approach this concept of estrangement.

And so I want you to, if you have your Bible, turn me to Romans chapter 12, 18.

Romans 12 · chapter mention

We're just going to look at one verse today, but I think it's a verse that is extremely helpful as we look at this hard subject.

Romans chapter 12, verse 18 says this if possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18

So Paul is here writing the book of Romans, a letter to the church in Rome, and in chapters 1 through 11, he is offering this amazing, in-depth, complex treatise on an explanation of the gospel and our salvation.

And then when he gets to Romans chapter 12, he begins to talk about what that life looks like when we live it out in our flesh.

Romans 12 · chapter mention

And in this part of chapter 12, especially, Paul is instructing believers on how they are to treat others, especially those who have hurt or mistreated us.

And I think his aim is clear when we look at the text, right?

He says that we are to live at peace with everyone.

That is the goal.

That is our aim as followers of Jesus.

We strive to live at peace with everyone.

But let's dive in and break it down further, because I do think there's some helpful nuance that Paul gives us here.

I mean, Paul begins verse 18 with this phrase where he says, if possible.

And the idea is, if possible, we are to live at peace with everyone.

But here's the implied truth sometimes it's not.

Sometimes, no matter how much we want it, it's just not possible to have a healthy and peaceful relationship with someone else.

And I think that we have to be okay with that.

We have to come to the place with we we understand, we know that that that relationship, that peace, it's just not possible in these circumstances.

And when that happens, when it's not possible, we hurt.

And that's okay.

It's to be expected that we would.

And when that's a choice that someone else has made to end that relationship, to enter into this estrangement, I think it's okay for us to allow ourselves to grieve that relationship.

As a matter of fact, sometimes the loss of a loved one is easier to deal with than estrangement because with the loss that comes in death, we feel a finality and often a closure.

But in estrangement, we may still see them, we may still see what they post online, and there's a lingering sense that it's not over, even though there's nothing we can do about it.

So we have to allow ourselves to grieve.

But what we can't do is we can't let the pain of that estrangement define our life as we move forward.

Because our life, as Paul would say elsewhere, is hidden with Christ in God.

Our life cannot be centered on this one person as much as we love them.

As close as we were to them, we have to be able to move forward and not be defined by the pain.

Sometimes we just have to accept the reality of what is, what is in this season, and be able to move forward.

And so when estrangement is chosen for us, when it's not possible to live at peace with this person, we have to trust the Lord, we have to lean on him, we have to continue to walk after him and allow him to form us more and more into his image.

But Paul doesn't even stop there.

He says, if possible, he says, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

And I think it's here that we have to lean in as believers.

See, I think this phrase, as far as it depends on you, this phrase puts the burden of peace in the relationship on us.

In fact, another way to translate this phrase is all your part is peace.

All of your part of this relationship is supposed to be peace.

It has to be peace.

And so maybe we would say like this: as followers of Jesus, if there is estrangement in our relationships, it should not be because of our choices and our disagreements.

Now, here's where I want to be very, very clear.

Sometimes, as followers of Jesus, estrangement is our best or even only choice.

Now I know you're thinking, wait, wait, Chip, didn't you just say that estrangement should not be because of our choices and our disagreements?

If you just said that, how can you then say sometimes it's our only choice and best choice?

I I did.

I said both.

And that's why I want to be exceptionally exceptionally clear here.

Listen, as followers of Jesus, if there is estrangement in our relationships, it should not be because of our choices and our disagreements.

But sometimes due to the choices and actions of others, estrangement is our best or only choice.

And so you've got to hear me.

What I'm talking about is more than just simple disagreements, it's real abuse, it's repeated choices, it's habits, it's it's it's sin that is not just breaking them, but it's sin that's breaking those around them.

And it's something that we cannot continue or be a part of.

When that happens, because of their choices, sometimes there's no other choice left for us.

I believe this is biblical estrangement.

Pastor Travis Jameson has written it like this.

He said, Biblical estrangement is fluid.

It's a boundary that can shift when repentant hearts seek you out, offering true apologies and extend belief in who you are and what you say.

But even when estrangement is a long-term or permanent boundary, it's not punishment, not manipulative, not leverage or an attempt to modify someone else's behavior.

It's not done in vengeance or anger.

Biblical estrangement is heartbreaking, life-altering, and deeply painful.

And while life grows around the grief, it's always present.

So I think the question is how do we walk that line?

How do we say that estrangement should not be due to our choices and our disagreements, but sometimes because of their choices and their actions, it's the only one we have left.

How do we walk that line?

I have a couple of thoughts.

First off, as followers of Jesus, I think that we always have to create pathways to reconciliation.

To me, this is the if possible as far as it depends on you.

We have to create pathways to reconciliation.

We have to always make sure that the door is open in the relationship for the other person to walk back through.

We have to be able to forgive.

Jesus told his disciples 70 times, seven times we have to be willing to forgive.

And that number, I don't believe, was meant to be an actual literal math problem as much as just you have to always be open and ready to forgive.

As Tim Keller has said, forgiveness is a diminishing ethic in our judgmental culture.

But in the midst of a rising tide of estrangement, perhaps the only thing as counter-cultural as parents forgiving their children is children forgiving their parents.

Because forgiveness itself is counter-cultural.

However, forgiveness is not a license to continue harmful or hurtful behavior.

So if possible, as far as it depends on us, we want to live as peace.

But that as far as it depends on us, I think means that we can determine healthy boundaries for the relationship.

Matter of fact, I would say that creating boundaries is not just okay, it's good and it's healthy.

Healthy boundaries allow the relationship to grow and to heal.

Or when we create those boundaries and the other person blows up or does not abide by them, they reveal the deeper issues that have broken the relationship in the first place.

So I believe boundaries are good and healthy because they're either going to help the relationship to heal or they're going to reveal just why it's broken.

But I think again, as followers of Jesus, we have to be careful because these boundaries can't be manipulative.

They can't be punitive.

These boundaries cannot rob the other person of dignity and respect.

And they must always keep healthy reconciliation as the goal.

Now, we don't have time, I wish we did, to dive deeper into that today.

But I would encourage you to check out our podcast.

Let's talk about that.

That's going to be dropping this next Tuesday.

And we're going to be talking more about estrangement and specifically about boundaries that can help us have healthy relationships inside of strained relationships.

But outside of creating pathways to reconciliation, outside of determining healthy boundaries by the relationship, maybe the thing that we can do most and that will offer us the most help as we seek to walk that line is that we can just pray.

Because estrangement is often hidden and silent.

And I think that's primarily because of the feelings of shame and guilt that come to us and in us because of the estrangement.

But I believe when we bring that into the light, we can find hope, we can find encouragement, and we can find the reality that we're not alone.

So we can pray, not just as individuals, but together.

We can pray for those that we are estranged from, that God would soften their hearts, that God would break down the walls, that God would free them from addictions and habits and create a pathway to reconciliation.

We can pray for ourselves that our hearts would not be hardened, that we would be open to forgive, that we would be willing to extend grace.

But we pray and we trust.

And so as we end this message and as we end this series, I want to do that now.

I want to pray for you.

And if this is something that you are struggling with or walking through, let me just say you don't have to do it alone.

You can reach out to us here right now in the comments in a message or go to our website and reach out to us there.

But we would love to pray for you.

We would love to pray with you.

And I'm going to do that for you and for all of us right now.

So, God, we are thankful for the grace that you have shown us in Jesus.

That while we were estranged from the Father because of our sin, you made a door open for us to be reconciled to you through the blood of Jesus shed on the cross for our sin.

And so, God, I pray that that would not just be an example for us to follow, but it would be the empowering we need to show forgiveness to others.

God, I pray for those who are estranged from their parents or who are estranged from their kids, their spouse, their family, their friends.

God, that you would strengthen them in this moment, that they would cast their eyes to you, that they would see you clearly, and that through you would open up doors for relationship to move forward inside the bounds of healthy boundaries so that the relationship can grow and flourish.

So, God, again, I pray that you would bring healing and you would bring hope.

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.