How to Actually Love Her | 02/22/2026

This guy's over here getting blessed.

He's like, yes.

Um last week uh I was real intense and spoke really long, and I just want to tell you I am not sorry.

But no, God is moving.

And um the last two messages have been more about this is what I felt is is David, you want to approach the heart of this.

A lot of times it's not that we're willing, not willing to do hard things, and it's definitely not that we don't care about our spouses, but a lot of times it can be just a simple lack of motivation or just an even understanding why do I do this.

I mean, if you're anything like me, I've got to understand why.

If I'm doing something hard, I will I just want to know why do I want to do this?

So I feel like we've been establishing a foundation of the why, a correct perspective of what does God mean when he outlines how a biblical godly marriage should look.

And so last week we talked about that men and women are called to a very difficult thing.

They're called to unconditionally love and respect one another.

Men are to unconditionally love their wives.

That's a hard command, guys, because it takes this aspect of what do they deserve out of it.

And a lot of times, if you're anything like me, I'm just I'm fleshly.

I'm not arrived yet.

I respond to my wife sometimes inappropriately because I'm responding to things that I'm perceiving that I don't like.

But Christ says, I want you to submit yourselves to one another in reverence to me.

I want you to, I don't want you to respond to things that they're doing or what you may think that they deserve.

I want you to respond to my perfection.

Amen.

That's a hard command.

But if we understand the motivation why, it helps.

Amen.

Okay, so this is going to be the third message, and what we're going to do is we're actually going to hit, this is going to be a little bit different.

We're going to hit like just the practicals of how to love and respect.

Um, this is funny too.

I use AI to like generate an image for this background.

And uh, yeah, it made I'm not, I don't know why, but it made Sylvester Sallone.

Adrian, love and respect, everybody.

So I rolled with it.

I was like, AI knows.

It's Holy Spirit or it's AI.

I don't know.

But uh we're going to we're gonna talk about how to, and a lot of times, this is, I mean, honestly, this is something I feel like is lacking in the teaching because we hear we see these terms.

Uh, yeah, husbands, love your wife.

And they're like, amen.

We all guys, we agree with that.

I think all of us, if you're a normal, like goodwilled dude, you agree, yeah, I want to unconditionally love my wife.

The question is, how do I love her?

What does that even look like?

And there's different circumstances of maybe how love looks in different circumstances.

And maybe that, oh, you know what?

Ladies are different, and and ladies go through different seasons and different periods of time, and and love can look like different things at different times based on different circumstances.

And guys, I mean, this is like a puzzle.

And so, yeah, we all agree love, but we gotta know what does love look like, but not most importantly, not the not what does love look like for us, what does love look like to them?

We speak different languages.

I've had many ideas of how I think you know my wife wants to be loved many times.

I am wrong.

I'm like, honey, I did this for you.

She's like, Well, okay.

Honey, we'll sit down and watch Star Wars.

She's like, that's not romantic.

I'm like, what are you talking about?

Very romantic.

I got us pizza and ice cream.

No, I'm trying to eat healthy.

What?

So, y'all catching me?

And then respect, I'm actually gonna say that respect, and ladies, I'm sorry that you kind of been dealt this hand.

Respect is something that's not really been taught about.

And um, respect is a term, the idea of unconditional respect, that is more of a foreign term to many of you.

Because respect typically is something that's earned.

That's how we understand respect.

Even guys, that's how we understand respect.

And it's very challenging for guys to talk to their wives saying, I want you to respect me because they see their failures.

Guys are very self-conscious, by the way.

They try, we try to cover it up.

We're very insecure about that area of being able to be and do everything that we're called to do and everything we're called to be.

And so, especially when you first get married, I mean, you're we're we're making messes left and right.

And then all of a sudden we have this God-created need for respect, but we don't even know how to communicate that.

We don't know how to put words to that, and then also we're fighting this idea of we don't deserve it.

God, the call to respect here is not based on deserve.

Now, if you look up the definition of respect, part of that is based on achievement.

So there is a part there's a part of the definition of respect that is a response to an achievement.

It is a response to what someone does or doesn't do, okay?

I'll give you that.

But it also is a response, it's an admiration for the quality of something.

And when the Bible says women respect your husbands, it does not say respect and agree with all their behaviors and their decisions.

It says respect them.

You know what I'm saying?

And so we're gonna try to put some language to this, okay?

And what and I'll say this um what they found is is that majority, and I want to make sure that we that we understand, there's always going to be exceptions to the rule.

And there's always going to be extreme cases, but this message is catered to what I would just say is the common marriage and the common marital issues.

And common marital issues can be big issues, and small things that pile up over years can become big things.

Y'all following?

So we're so God is bringing revival, and I think for a lot of us, it's not like we have these major issues, but we do have some small things, and maybe we have some small things that have just built up, built up, built up, and we've never dealt with them, and we're still married, and we still love our spouse, and we're still doing life together, and we're raising a family together, and we have our romantic times, we have our ups and downs, all that stuff.

But see, God is not just wanting us to experience what's good, he's wanting us to experience the abundant life, the overflow.

And that's the heart of revival that we're willing to contend, we're willing to hear the hard things, we're willing to humble ourselves in God's presence, saying, Lord, I don't want to just compromise.

I don't want to just settle.

I want to contend for what's great.

Amen.

So, this whole message that God gives in the Bible is hard.

And it's going to cut it both of us, and both of us need to humble ourselves.

That's the heart posture.

This is not a series about, hey, point the finger at your partner.

Oh, I told you, Pastor David said it, so this is all the things you're doing wrong.

If that's what you're doing, I would ask you not to do that.

Maybe you're more of the problem in your marriage than you realize.

I I have been trying to really humble myself before the Lord here these last couple months, and it hurts.

And when he really starts to be like reveal stuff and you let him do it, it hurts.

I'm like, oh my gosh, Lord, I'm such a sinner.

I'm wretched.

You know, I feel like Peter, when he first meets Jesus, just falls on his way.

That's what I've been feeling like lately.

And um, but at the same time, it's been incredibly life-giving.

And it's incredibly life-giving to our marriage.

I mean, if my wife was here today, she would tell you things have been much better.

It's not like we had these major issues.

We have a great marriage, but things have been better because, you know, I've been doing such an amazing job carrying her along, you know.

She's not here today, so I can uh say what I want.

There will be repercussions here in a couple days.

Baby, I love you so much.

Um also, let me go ahead and tell you this.

I'm going to be referencing this book today.

A lot of these concepts are not things that I came up with on my own.

I am not normally, I'm not a book person when it comes to, I don't get my messages from books.

I go to the Word, I get into the Spirit, I study the Word, I go to the Greek.

I don't know Greek, but I try to study it.

But um This book is very good, and this is the reason that it's good.

Is that it doesn't seek to try to change the meaning or redefine marriages.

Sometimes people get these weird revelations, oh, you know, we got to run this whole time.

It doesn't do that.

But what it does is it provides a balance and gives a practical instruction to both men and women.

It gives practical instruction to both men and women on how to do this.

Okay?

Y'all following?

Um marriage books typically cater to man's instruction to unconditionally love your wife.

Why do they do that?

Because men don't typically buy marriage books.

Women do.

And women don't want to buy marriage books that tells them how wrong they are.

They want to buy marriage books that tells them all the stuff their husband needs to be doing right.

I'm not kidding.

There and so there's a lack of instruction for the women.

And it's a lot of times you go to marriage conferences, oh, you need to unconditionally love.

You need to love your wife as Christ loved the church.

He laid down his life.

Well, listen, uh I I I've heard people, I've heard women say this, so I'll just go ahead and address it today.

This whole thing of, well, you need to love me like Christ loved the church and lay down his life.

Do you know how the church becomes the church?

The church becomes the church because they recognize Jesus as master.

So, Miss, uh, lay down your life.

Are you treating him like a Lord?

Ladies, where are the amens at?

And let me take it one step further.

What is the church instructed to do?

To be Christ-like and lay down your life for the sake of another?

Men say, That's what's up.

Do the hand thing.

That's what's up.

Guys, come on.

Was that too feminine?

Okay, I get it.

That was feminine.

That's like that's what's up.

Y'all, dudes, where are y'all at?

I'm up here all alone.

I'm trying to help y'all.

Help me help you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jesus.

We're gonna do this today.

Anyways, this is a good book.

And um, I have been applying some of some of the practical things.

Also, let me go ahead and give you a foundational perspective before we go into this.

This is not a quick fix message.

This is not a guarantee that, hey, check this off, and then all of a sudden your marriage will be perfect.

That's not the heart of this.

If if I'm only adjusting and changing behaviors and I'm only saying things to try to get her to change, I'm not actually operating in the heart of God.

I'm operating in manipulation.

And if I can go take a step further, I'm operating in witchcraft.

If I do and just say the right things, and I act and do the certain things, uh, you know, and I just to get her to change, that's not why we do this.

We do this because God calls us to do this.

Okay?

We do this out of reverence for him.

It has nothing to do, let me put it this way, this is a hard, this is a hard truth, so hear me out.

It has nothing to do with how they respond or whether or not they respond.

Y'all hearing me?

It has nothing to do with never or not they're gonna receive that love, that sacrificial love you're doing.

That's not why you do it.

And if they don't respond, you don't stop.

And for some of us, and I want to say this, is that some marriages, that God's journey of healing may not be something that's overnight.

I mean, when we have years and years of stuff unaddressed that builds up, it's sometimes it's gonna take a while.

And sometimes you you may suffer a little bit.

And you may sacrificially continue doing this over and over and over, and you feel like there's no fruit.

And maybe even after a year or two, maybe all of a sudden you just start to see a spark of life.

Don't give up.

Because you're doing it unto him.

Your faith and trust is in him.

Amen.

That's what I mean by the heart.

We're contending for revival in our marriages.

Even when it's just a small rain cloud, and we think, is it ever going to happen?

So, Father, I lift up this day to you, Father.

I thank you for every marriage in the house, and I thank you for every marriage represented listening online.

Lord, I ask that you would move and bring revival.

Lord, forgive us for our areas of compromise, forgive us for our selfishness, forgive us for our critical spirit, Lord, looking at the thorn of the sorry, the speck in someone's eye, not seeing the log in our own eye.

We humble ourselves today, Lord.

I ask that you would just move and that you bring clarity to your word.

Your name.

Amen.

Okay, so um, a good book.

I would check it out.

So Ephesians 5.33, it says, So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Um, the idea of unconditional love and respect is very challenging, especially to our modern individualistic culture.

We are trained to be individualists, we're trained to view marriage as a contract where you do your part, and then I'll do my part, you don't do your part, I'm not gonna do my part.

A covenant is not I like a contract.

A covenant says, when you don't do your part, I'll pay the cost so that we can remain in relationship.

It is self-sacrificial.

Jesus says, if you want to be my follower, deny yourself and take up your cross.

If you try to save your life, you'll lose it, but if you lose your life for my sake, you will what?

Save and find it, depending on translation.

That's the heart we're doing.

It's not fair, it's not based on deserve.

Um, I'll just I'll take it one step further before we go on this.

If if you come into this and you say, especially with respect, ladies, look, can I can I be a little bit intense with you for like 30 minutes?

But I'm gonna hit this.

We're gonna we're gonna go ahead and deal with this.

I've heard this said, he doesn't deserve respect.

And maybe you're here today and you said and you said he doesn't deserve respect.

Okay.

So you've made this a thing about deserve.

Okay.

Christian ladies, this is now a deserve game.

Alright.

Do you deserve unconditional love?

Have you ever sinned?

You ever done something wrong?

The moment that you do one sin, this idea of unconditional, are you perfect like Jesus?

When we make this a thing of deserve, and I understand we're in church and I'm preaching a message and we'd be like, amen, but then all of a sudden we'll go Monday and forget all of it and just go right back to our ways of disrespect.

And you try to justify because this is what we do.

This is the idea of deception.

I'm gonna justify my sin.

Okay?

That's deception.

We will actually feel right.

I'm very right in my wrongness.

God sees that as wrong.

It doesn't matter if you've convinced yourself, because what you're gonna do is you're gonna look at your husband, you're gonna look at his imperfections, you're gonna look at his failures, and you're going, and also you're very good at not forgetting, even it's like 20 years ago.

You know, have your list.

Well, he doesn't deserve it because of da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.

And I'm very justified in responding this way.

This idea of unconditional means that under no condition am I allowed to become sinful in my response to his imperfections.

Y'all hearing this?

So if you want to make this a thing of deserve, then go ahead and give your salvation back and go to hell.

Because you do not deserve salvation, you do not deserve the love of God, you are filthy, wretched sinners.

And your call to respect your husband is not based on what he deserves, it's based on who he is and your call and command from Christ to respect him.

God is bringing revival to men.

Men have been dormant in the body of Christ.

And I see all these ladies, I'm just praying for my husband.

I wish he would be the spiritual leader, blah, blah, blah.

And you disrespect, disrespect, pull the life out of him, and then pray to God like you're the victim.

The victim mentality is a killer of revival.

Blaming life, blaming your husband for all your problems.

Oh, my life, it'd be better if you just did his job.

It justifies this, it justifies this idea of I'm not going to take up my part in this.

Your response of respect is going to give your marriage the best chance for your man to be who he's meant to be.

And if and hopefully, I pray that you have a man that is mature enough, spiritually mature, that even when you're disrespectful and you show contempt and you speak down to him and you mock him and you're critical of him in public in front of others, and you're critical of him and correct him in front of the children.

I pray that your man is mature enough and shows you grace where he doesn't respond in kind.

Because many men are.

Demeaning them.

Ladies, you have this beautiful thing inside of you that can cause revival in him.

You have this life inside of you that if you give him access to that and you give that thing to him, it's going to fuel his tank.

God is wanting to demonstrate his ability to take something that is imperfect and do mighty things with it.

You know what that takes?

Faith.

You know what faith is?

It's the evidence of things not seen.

When you're operating from this and you don't want to speak life, you're not operating in faith.

And it's not a you're looking at him and saying, Well, I just don't trust his ability to do this.

Our focus is not whether or not he has the ability.

Our focus is does God have the ability?

The God inside of him.

God wants to use you, ladies, to be a tool to bring revival to your husbands.

To speak life, to speak life to those dry bones.

Um I know some of the things I just said were intense, but here's the thing is that I think that a lot of ladies deal with a victim mentality, and a victim mentality like is like this, it's deceptive.

It's going to make you feel like they need compassion and empathy.

Oh, I fully understand.

I'm so sorry.

That's what evictim mentality wants.

It's what it feeds off of.

People feeling sorry for them because of all their problems.

And life is so hard.

And he's so mean.

And he doesn't love me, he doesn't care for me.

And you just want someone to feel sorry for you.

God is looking at you and he might look different.

He might say, I'm waiting for you to obey me.

You're you're you're pointing the finger, he's rebellious.

You're rebellious.

You're the one in deception.

And the reason I get intense because that's what a victim mentality needs.

They don't need coddling, they need a rebuke.

And men, I'm gonna get you two.

So just embrace yourself.

The Lord has been kicking me.

The Lord has been really dealing with me and is bringing life to our marriage.

I've I've had to repent of a lot of things.

And still, and still get it wrong.

It's amazing.

Even in the mid in the middle of this series, it's so funny.

Come and preach like a great message.

Everyone's like, oh man, it's so life-giving.

Turn around Monday and just be horrible to my wife.

And I'm like, ah! So hard.

Allow ourselves to be humble in this.

Allow ourselves to show the grace of God.

Okay, understand.

This is not a demand of perfection, it's the pursuit of it together while we lock arms.

I'm pursuing it.

I'm not demanding it of you.

Amen?

Okay.

Okay.

Um, so this whole idea, this whole idea of the language of love and respect, we're gonna go over some practical ways of how we can do this.

How can we show him respect?

How can we speak that language?

Ladies, you do not have the natural understanding of what he needs.

You have to learn.

You have to learn.

And men, you don't have the natural understanding of what she needs.

You have to learn.

I all the time think that I know.

Guys and ladies, you'll probably be like, Yes, he does this.

Do you ever like try to tell your man what's wrong?

And then he always like, Well, what's really going on?

I know what you're saying, but what's really going on?

What's this really about?

I'm telling you what it's really about.

Take out the trash.

Is this like rejection from the past?

I do this all the time.

My wife, she goes, David, I am telling you what is wrong.

This is how to love me.

I'm like, what really what really is this?

I mean, I'm looking back, and my poor wife has been telling me for years, saying the same stuff, and it just like goes over my head because I'm like, no, that can't be it.

It's gotta be something else.

I would just encourage you, is that listen to what they're saying.

They're not trying to make this hard on you, they're trying to tell you.

You just gotta believe them.

And then put it into action.

Um, I will say this too, this is very encouraging, man.

Um, that the I've actually realized this is a lot easier than I thought.

It's it's your wife wants to make this easy for you.

She wants to explain, she wants to communicate.

It's it's us actually just hearing it's simple tweaks that's very doable.

That has way better impact than trying blindly.

So, man, she needs your love to feel loved.

In Genesis 2.24, it says this explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

I love how it says a man leaves his father and mother and is joined.

This word joined means a closeness in every aspect, in every meaning, not just fit, not just physically close, emotionally close, spiritually close.

He's joined to his wife.

And this takes us to the first thing that about your wife.

They they want closeness.

Closeness means she wants you to be close.

And not just when you want sex.

Ways you can do this is hold her hand, hug her, show affection without sexual intention.

Be alone with her and do things with her.

Take walks, dates, set up, initiate those things.

Like take effort to initiate it.

Make time together a priority.

Seek her out.

Um women, they want that listen, men, they want to be close to you.

This is their natural like this is their nat it's just gonna come out naturally.

I want to be involved in your life.

This is what's interesting about men.

Listen, they are programmed where they want independence.

And so when men see a woman want to be close, okay, they interpret it as disrespect.

Naturally.

She's doing this, I want to be close to you, and he goes, Hey, you're getting in my space.

She's trying to talk to get close.

She's trying to handle things.

He's like, Hey, you're you're getting into my business.

I feel like you're trying to control me.

Um, you see, in this book, if you get this book and read it, this comes from actual data of real counseling, marriage counseling sessions, hundreds, thousands of them, okay?

One of the sessions is that the guy and his wife are in there, and the guy is just he's he's just over it.

He's like, she's she's trying to control my life.

And so the counselor looks to the wife and he says, Are you is that what your intention is?

Are you trying to control him?

She's like, No.

I'm trying to work these things out, and I'm asking about this.

And he looks to the husband, he says, She's not trying to control you, she's trying to be close to you.

And he he was like, No, she's trying to control me.

She's just a controlling woman.

She's always talking, she's always nagging, she's always criticizing.

Understand, we're interpreting that as disrespect.

That's not her intention.

She is trying to get close to you.

So the guy writes back months later and he says, Okay, by the way, I took your advice and realized that she actually just wants to be close to me.

And she wants to talk these things out.

She's not kind of trying to control my life, and our marriage is so healthy now.

Men understand is that the way that she's naturally going to want to be with you can create a natural response that wants to withdraw.

Don't.

It's not gonna feel natural.

Everything about this is supernatural.

In Galatians 5, Paul says, Don't follow your flesh.

The flesh is what's gonna feel natural to you.

It's gonna feel right, but that doesn't mean it's right.

He says, Follow the spirit.

Amen.

The next thing she wants is openness.

She wants you to be open, she wants you to open up to her, to talk to her and not be closed off.

Don't act angry or disinterested when she wants that.

Um, men, we naturally are closed off.

We're not like natural, just want to talk about our feelings, open up about our fears, our frustrations, our insecurities.

That's not us.

That's vulnerable, that's weakness.

Can't share that.

Your wife, it says the two are joined to one.

Understand, this is not just a physical oneness, this is spiritual, emotional.

Do you know your wife is like part of you?

You you're not allowed to close yourself off to her.

Your wife is meant to be the one primary between beside your relationship with God, the one primary relationship in which you are completely vulnerable and open.

And women have this intuition where if something's wrong with you, you can put on a brave face, but they know something's wrong.

You cannot hide it.

I've tried, and she always is like, What's going on, David?

I'm like, how do you even know?

They just know, they're like very observant, way more observant than we are.

And they're always watching you, they're like trying to figure you out what's going on with them.

And uh so they'll know something's wrong, but here's the problem they don't know what it is.

They are not mind readers.

And so, what do women want?

I know something's wrong.

Tell me.

Like they want to learn.

They they looked at women, they did a study, they they looked at w men and women in marriage counseling.

The guy would not look, typically would not look at the wife during a counseling session.

He would look everywhere else and the counselor, but he would not look at his wife.

And the wife would sit there and just look at him the whole time.

And he's like, We don't naturally want to open up.

Open up to her.

She's gonna feel loved.

Not just about the good stuff, but the hard stuff.

I've I've been it's it's amazing.

I'm I feel so silly that I've been married 11 years and I'm starting to like learn this stuff for the first time.

But I was talking to my wife and I was going through something hard, and normally I would try to make myself the hero of the story and and stuff, and I was but then this time I was like, okay, I'm gonna be vulnerable and I'm gonna tell her.

You know, I went through something at my job, and I was like, I'm just gonna, I was like, yeah, I just went through this and it was hard.

I'm like, I could be honest.

I felt just embarrassed and I feel I felt really insecure.

And I and even sharing that, I felt like, ugh, and she was just like, oh.

It was like this lovely, like it was like she felt so loved that I was just honest about something I struggle with emotionally.

It was beautiful.

Your wife is meant to access that place of you.

You're not meant to guard yourself from her.

Men, we have deep insecurities.

We struggle with shame.

We we are ingrained with a desire, it's like part of our makeup to protect and provide.

And listen, our journey of figuring out how to be providers is not always an easy, smooth path.

And sometimes there's lots of failure to finally learn and experience to get to the breakthrough.

But understand, we are struggling with insecurity that whole time, and the idea of sharing that with you is very hard.

But man, I would encourage you to open up to your wife.

They want that.

They cannot read your mind, they need to know what is my man going through.

You can you can close yourself off to the rest of the world, but not her.

Amen.

Let me go ahead and read some of these practical things.

Don't close yourself off to your wife, move toward her, be willing to communicate.

This is also an effective great start.

Um, tell about your day, share your feelings, and tell about your days, um, the difficulties of the day.

And be honest.

Like, even if, like, you know, if it makes you, you know, not seem like the big hero, be honest.

Um, you say, let's talk, and ask her about what she's feeling and ask about her opinions.

I've been doing this too.

I I realize how selfish and self-centered I've been for years in my marriage.

Like, most of our conversations, I'm thinking about the next thing that I want to say, and I want to I'm thinking about the things that I just care about.

I've really started to like try to silence that side and actually like look at her and be like, oh, that made you upset, didn't it?

Are you okay?

And it's like unlock this life in her.

Now I'm pretty considerate, okay?

I'm not saying I'm just some evil husband, but I'm realizing just how much of my life has been consumed with self-centeredness.

And just like giving that self-giving that part of me a pause and actually looking and paying attention and listening, like really listening.

I can do the whole thing where you talk to me and I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, like the whole robot mode where you have no idea what they're saying, but you're like, Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

I can do that.

I'm I'm I'm amazing at it.

But I've really tried to make myself stop doing that and listen.

And how are you doing?

How are you feeling?

Ooh, I'm sorry.

That yeah, I can see why that made you angry.

It's very life-giving.

She's gonna love it.

She's gonna love it.

Um your face shows you want to talk.

Relaxed body language, good eye contact.

You take her out.

The relaxed, here's the thing, I'm also horrible at this.

And man, I'm just putting myself on a display here just so you can see that this is a real thing.

It doesn't matter how well you know the Bible, we can be epic failures at this.

My when I don't want to, if I'm tired, I get home from work and I'm tired, and I all I want to do is I'm I'm an introvert by nature.

I just want to sit down and quiet and like just get on my computer or do something, okay?

And I'll get home and she'll be like, let's talk.

And so I'm working on this.

I'm like, yeah, hey, look, yeah, let's talk about the day.

And then she's talking to me, and I'm like, You know what I'm saying?

It's like, yeah, I'm here, but I'm my body language is telling you I don't like this right now.

Women can tell when you don't like this.

You don't just get points for showing up.

You gotta be present.

Eye contact, engagement, relax.

Confirmation.

Relax.

I am I am such a project-oriented person.

I I'm always thinking of the next thing I have to do.

I've got to, you know, do this, I've got to get this project done, I've got to do this.

And what and and I when sometimes when I'm spending time with my wife, I feel like it's wasted time.

Like if I'm just sitting talking, I'm not accomplishing that thing that I need to be accomplishing.

And the Lord told me, David, besides this, this is your most important mission, if you choose to accept it, is to her.

This mission, when you are simply spending time with her, quality time, you are accomplishing one of the greatest missions I've called you to.

It's shifting to something in my heart.

And so now I'm something like, no, this is very important, just sitting and talking about the day.

Even if the talking is like a nothingness, I'm engaged.

I'm like, oh, yeah, this is good.

I'm accomplishing something.

And it's very life-giving to her.

Alright, the next is understanding.

Don't try to fix her, just listen.

Don't try to fix her, just listen, and be considerate when she's really upset.

Um we're gonna go into this later for the men, but men are naturally programmed to fix things.

And this is one of the ways that they love you, by the way.

I'm going to fix this.

But women don't always want to be fixed.

And um sometimes they just want you to supportively hear them out and connect the feeling associated with whatever they said.

Oh, I could see how that would make you mad.

Oh, that's rough, that's hard.

Not fix it.

When we always chime in, because I listen, I ended up my wife will tell you I'm the king of this.

I am such a fixer.

She's like, David, I just had a hard day, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, stop.

I know this is what you need to do.

First thing, suck it up.

You need to fix this, and then you need to do that, and she's like, then do this.

And then if you do this, then I'll be fixed.

You're welcome.

I love you.

And then I'm surprised when she gets aggravated and rejects my love.

Women just want sometimes you just to hear out.

And she doesn't want to be fixed.

And so that part of you that wants to jump in, just let it die.

Wait for her, maybe.

Like if she asks you, what do you think I should do?

That's your moment.

You ask me, What I think I but you just I'll tell you.

Are you really asking?

You really want to know.

You listen and can repeat back what she said.

I will do this when she starts to tell me part of a problem.

She's not finished.

I'm already working out the solution.

But when I'm working out the solution, I'm tunnel vision, so I can't hear the rest of what she's saying.

You know what I'm talking about?

You gotta listen to the full story.

You listen and can repeat back what she said.

You don't try to fix her problems unless she specifically asks for a solution.

You try to identify her feelings.

Okay, feelings for a woman is part of their reality.

It's not, it's not just a it's part of the facts.

Guys, we're logical.

We're gonna say, well, what's the facts?

And we don't look at feelings as part of the facts.

Everything can be right from what we perceive in their life, but if their feelings are not right, something's still off.

We're like, hey, you should be happy because everything's in place.

The feelings cannot be in place.

That don't make sense to us, but nevertheless, it's real.

Amen.

Okay.

You say, I appreciate you sharing that with me.

You don't interrupt her when she's trying to tell you how she feels.

You apologize and admit you were wrong.

You see something that needs to be done and you do it without a lot of hassle.

You express appreciation for all that she does.

Honey, I can never do your job.

You pray with her and for her.

Um, I've gone many years where I mean I would pray for my wife, but I didn't pray for her daily.

You know, I'm too busy praying for my own, like, Lord, help me have success in my careers and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Now I've really started like every day just praying and even putting myself in her place of like all the challenges, and like she's a mom now and doing all this stuff.

I'm like, Lord, help her have grace.

Um, she didn't have a lot of sleep last night.

Will you help her just give her energy supernaturally to do everything?

Like, it's it's changed my prayer life is changing instead of just me focused.

Peacemaking.

She wants you to say, I'm sorry.

This is a form of love.

It's simply when again, she wants to be close.

So anytime there's an unresolved issue, there's going to be separation.

Her natural thing is that I this I'm separated from him right now, and I don't want to be, I want this to be fixed.

But she but what she wants to see is she wants to see your commitment to want to fix it.

And so what she's looking for is is he going to try to make peace?

Men, we naturally go to the right, who's right, who's wrong.

The legit the logical aspect of it.

Well, who's right, who's wrong?

Whoever was wrong has to do it first, and then all of a sudden you both think you're wrong, this will no one does it first, and then you're stuck in a standoff.

Okay.

She wants you to be the initiator to make peace.

Saying I'm sorry and meaning it will be profound.

Meaning it, I am also the king, and I realized this years ago that if I just say I'm sorry, she'll chill.

So I'm like, it's like this incantation thing.

She's like, I'm like, I'm sorry.

But now she caught on that sometimes I say sorry and I don't mean it.

I just say it.

Yeah, I can't get away with it anymore.

There'll be times we'll get in a fight, and here's the thing is that there's times that I'm right and she's wrong, but I will respond wrongly to her wrongness.

When I respond poorly or wrongly, now I am in the wrong for something.

And so I'll walk away, we'll be argumenting.

I'll walk away, and then all of a sudden the Lord's like, David, you did not handle that right, and all of a sudden I'm in the wrong.

The moment that I realize this, I'm like, okay, turn around.

I've even been doing this whole thing because sometimes she's on the bed, like crying or something, because I made her cry.

Yeah.

Little sensitive thing.

I walk in, I'm like, suck it up, woman of God.

Do you know the times we live in?

Just kidding.

But I'll come in and I'll just get on, I'll get I'll get on my knee and I'm just like, honey, and I'll look her in the eye, and this is what I do.

I don't do the thing where I try to correct her in my apology.

Okay?

And I don't say an apology to saying, okay, now are you sorry?

I come in and I'm very honest, and I just say, I am sorry.

I hurt you.

I did not respond appropriately, and I'm sorry even for causing that pain.

I'll be honest, and this is what I'll say.

I'll be honest.

I was not even thinking about you.

I was being very selfish.

I was only concerned with myself.

Will you please forgive me?

And she's like, Yes.

She responds to that.

A legitimate apology.

Men, this is going to be, I'm telling you, you're going to feel her love tank.

Because, men, we're going to still get it wrong time and time and time again.

And here's the thing: your your wife is not just like a rule book that you learn.

It's ever-changing.

It's like one day that worked, and then you try that again, and it didn't work at all.

It had the opposite effect.

Then you gotta learn, well, what's going on?

She's like, there's like ebbs and flows to her emotions and hormones, and then it's like, what season of life is she in?

You know, are you newlyweds?

Is she a first-time mom?

Is she a grandma?

Like, there's so many things.

It's like you've always got to be learning.

Be a peacemaker.

You let her vent her frustration and hurts and don't get angry and close her off.

Men, we are the we are the kings of, okay, no, no, no, I'm done.

Just walk away.

Let her vent.

Let her have she is she needs emotional release.

She needs it just as much as you need sexual release.

She needs emotional release.

I got you.

We're working on the clapping, y'all.

Again, small ring cloud.

There's a downpour coming.

You admit you're wrong and apologize by saying, I'm sorry, will you forgive me?

You understand her natural desire to negotiate.

This is what women love to talk it out.

They don't want you steamrolling them, I'm man, hear me roar.

They want to talk it out, they want to negotiate.

And the what my wife, I've I felt for years that Catherine was trying to control me.

I felt for years that she was trying to be the man of the house, wear the pants.

She was not trying to do that at all.

She did not want that job.

She was trying to be close to me.

You try to keep your relationship up to date, resolving the unresolved, and never saying forget it.

Guys, we have this ability to just like shrug it off.

Even sometimes when dudes have like intense arguments and fights, we'll like be even closer, but we don't talk it out.

It's weird.

I got in a fist fight with a dude one time and we were like best friends the next day.

It's like there was, I don't know.

It was like, what's up, dude?

Nice black eye.

Women, if something's unresolved, it's gonna linger until you like address it.

Dudes, we don't like, we're like gone.

We're like, what are you talking about?

You're still upset about that?

That was like five years ago.

But you never let her talk it out.

It is built up, built up, built up.

And what happens is if you let this stuff build up and you don't let your woman release that, vent the frustration, make it known to you, it's gonna turn into bitterness.

Bitterness is gonna turn into contempt.

And that love and that passion that you had, that's gonna fizzle out.

Be a peacemaker.

You forgive her for any wrong she confesses.

This is another thing.

Um, this is a beautiful picture.

I hope I say this clip correctly.

Men, there's gonna be a point where you're playing, you're not Christ, you're not perfect, okay?

We can all just agree on that real quick.

But you're playing the image of Christ.

This is beautiful.

There's a I might cry if I say this.

I'm gonna try not to.

There's this guy that adopts this kid, he's like a little kid from Africa.

The kid has a horrible past.

Horrible.

And the kid is very angry and very rebellious.

And the guy the kid they would try to like, you know, instruct the kid, and he would like try to try to fist fight.

He would get upset and he would start punching.

And he was like, it was like you couldn't even control him.

And finally the dad's like, the the dad gets on his knees, and the kid's like punching at him, and finally the dad says, Listen, you can punch me.

I can take it.

And something stops in the kid, and the kid all of a sudden feels safe.

Your wife sometimes is not gonna be perfect when she is hurt, and she's sometimes not gonna be respecting you when she's venting frustrations.

Men, take it.

Don't make her feel ashamed.

Say if you want to take this a step further, say, you know what?

I understand why you're doing that.

I understand why you're afraid.

I understand that some of the things I've done have caused you to be this way.

And I'm not holding this against you.

Take it.

Because that's what Christ did.

Did he not?

And that's the image that you're displaying.

It's the one of Christ.

Forgive her any wrongs she confesses.

You never nurse bitterness and always reassure her of your love.

You pray with her after a hurtful time.

Next is loyalty.

She needs to know you're committed.

Guys, we are the ones where we will sit there and we see what we do, and we're like, well, she should feel loved.

I did everything I'm supposed to do.

She needs to.

Constantly, daily, be reaffirmed that she is the most important person in your life.

Even if you've been married fifty years, and you're all old, you still need to come over, honey.

You're the most prettiest woman in my life.

I love you so much.

She still needs that.

And it's not because she doesn't trust you, and it's not because what you've done in the past does not matter.

This is how she's programmed.

I need to know.

Think of our life.

Okay, I could go in depth with this, but I'm not.

He paints this picture, Christ's relationship to the church.

So a lot of things, what we can see, we're the bride, by the way, in this scenario.

God, the bridegroom, we're the bride.

How many times do we need to be reassured that he's there for us?

Women have this thing, I need to know you're there.

And I need to know that you care.

So when they say stuff like, they'll all they'll ask a question, like to be reassured, am I the do you think I'm pretty?

Yes, sir.

I tell you all the time you're pretty.

Don't don't get mad about that.

And that's not because your words don't matter to her.

She needs to be reassured.

And I used to get aggravated.

I'm like, Kathy, why are you asking me this again?

Of course you're the most important person in my life.

Of course I love you.

I would take it as disrespect, like she doesn't believe that I'm a man of my word.

That's what I really would get mad.

I'm like, do you not trust my word?

I've already told you this.

I said I do.

She is programmed to need it constantly.

So I notice when I not even I won't even wait for her to ask.

I'll tell her, I'll say, just so you know, you're the most beautiful person, beautiful woman ever.

Oh, I'm so in love.

I'm more in love with you than I was the day we got married.

Really?

Yeah.

Boo.

Oh, you're so beautiful.

Always reassuring.

And then when she asks, listen, if she's asking, understand there's a moment where she needs it.

Listen, if someone asks you to go a mile, go two.

That's your moment.

Go off.

Do you think I look pretty?

Hey, do you think I look pretty?

Oh my gosh, you are so pretty.

Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, no.

Go off, men.

Don't take it as disrespect.

Loyalty.

You speak highly of her in front of others.

This is kind of a big thing.

Loyalty.

When we don't have resolved issues in the private place, it's going to seep out in the public place.

When people are not good at confrontation, like, oh, I don't like confrontation.

Not many people actually do.

We're still called to do it.

We don't know how to handle things in the private place, so what we do is we bicker about our spouse in front of others.

And we make it passive aggressive so people don't really realize that we're actually trying to cut at them and hurt them.

You know what I'm talking about?

Being critical of them.

I've had ladies say, I wish my husband would do that.

And I just want to like say, shut up.

Do not talk about your man like that, especially to another man.

How would you like it?

You know, man, how would you, I mean, ladies, how would you like it if all of a sudden you've been married, you know, and and maybe you just had a baby and you're struggling with your weight, and all of a sudden some pretty some pretty lady, you know, who's in shape comes in and you're standing right next to your husband and he says, Man, I wish my wife was in shape like you.

How would that make you feel?

Men will not respond and tell you how much you hurt them, but when you say these demeaning things, I wish my husband would do that, and she was like this, you're you're cutting at his heart.

Do you realize how disrespectful that is?

And you just we just flippantly run our mouths.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I know we're in church.

Shut up.

Quit speaking down about your man.

Yeah, he's got issues.

You've got issues too.

And you don't see him just run his mouth.

Actually, maybe sometimes he does.

Oh, there's my wife, we'll just be glad.

Blah blah blah.

Man, shut up.

This feels really good saying shut up up here.

I feel like righteously justified.

Shut up!

Shut up.

One of us, shut up! Just kidding.

Okay, we don't have to mix those.

Yeah, my bad tie.

Tie my bow tie.

Speak we speak highly of our spouses.

Ladies, speak highly of your man.

Your man wants to know that he's the hero in your story.

And listen, he's very aware of his shortcomings.

Okay?

It's you speaking life into him.

Okay.

But men, loyalty is you speak highly of your wife.

She's the queen.

She's the queen of your castle.

She's the queen and the princess.

She's the queencess.

I'm gonna coin that term.

You help her make decisions such as ones regarding the children.

You're involved in things important to her.

You don't correct her in front of others.

You don't look lustfully at other women.

Men guard your eyes.

Okay, there's a difference between guys naturally, they they they they see things through the eye gate.

Women are through the ear gate.

You know, and I understand there's exceptions, you know, but a lot of times men's thing, the whole thing in pornography, you know, is is the eye gate of what I see.

So men's sometimes it's natural.

Just you walk around, you'll just like all of a sudden check a girl out, and you're not even thinking about it, but it's just natural.

Guard your eyes because your wife is actually noticing when you're doing that.

And don't just guard your eyes for the sake of her not seeing you, guard your eyes when she's not there.

Job says something, he says, I made a covenant with God, I'm gonna guard my eyes.

Like, you have to lock it in, especially the culture is so sexualized, it's everywhere.

Like, lock it in.

I'm not gonna let myself even look, even be tempted.

But ladies, guard your ear gate.

That's why the books, the whole that whole world.

It's like this thing, it's uh it's like this.

I don't know, it's it's way different, but it's just as sinful, but it's not as obvious.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay.

Your wife wants you to honor and cherish her.

Women want respect, okay?

Res but they but they see it's uh it's under the umbrella of love.

And the respect that they crave is not the respect that the same respect that men crave.

They just want to know that they're the most important person in your life.

And men, if you try to hold them down and you try to not let them have a voice, they don't feel cherished.

And um she has it, she has a stronger personality, she's a fiery woman, okay?

Um, y'all know this.

And I made the mistake of thinking that since she's got a strong personality and fiery, that that that she can handle harder things.

It's almost like I would treat her and respond her sometimes how I would do that with other dudes, and I would talk just as cutting, but she's very fragile emotionally with like with me in the context of our marriage.

And I realized even though she's strong and has that leadership calling, she still needs me to treat her with tender care.

And I I would butcher this so many times because I would just, you know, I I wouldn't do this.

But this thing of ch it's cherishing her.

I want to be very careful how I treat her.

She's the most like she's more important than me.

Like when I when I'm out, I'm like, oh my gosh, and I'm putting her on a pedestal.

You know what I'm saying?

They want to they want to feel like that from you.

You say, I'm so proud of the way you handled that.

You speak highly of her in front of others, you open the door for her, you try something new with her, you give her encouragement or praise with kindness and enthusiasm.

You notice something different about her hair clothes.

Pay attention.

Oh my gosh, I love the haircut.

Oh, do you get some makeup?

Is that some new perfume?

Just little things.

Like it's they're going to send signals and see if you're watching.

And when you pay attention, they're gonna feel cherished.

But man, we have to make effort to do that.

I mean, you have to like really look, make a mental note, something.

You come home, look at the details, like, oh, the house is cleaned.

Honey, thank you for cleaning the house.

Oh, what a blessing.

You try something new with her, you give her encouragement, appraisal, kindness, enthusiasm, you notice something different about her hair clothes, you are physically affectionate with her in public.

Even if you married 50 years, hey, hold her hand, put your arm around her.

Just you know what I'm saying?

You're my woman.

I'm proud to be with you.

Yeah, Rick, I'm talking to you, bud.

That was epic.

He's blind if you didn't know that.

He said, I'm trying to see what she's wearing.

That was yeah, that was awesome.

You're physically affectionate with her in public, you teach the children to show her and others respect.

You value her opinion in the gray areas as not wrong, but just different and valid.

Um, I anytime Catherine would disagree with me, I would I would think that she was trying to undermine my headship.

Okay.

Um what's funny is that I had a lot of bad ideas and would have made a lot of messes had it not been for her wisdom and input on situations.

Women have a lot of wisdom.

There's a lot of things, it's almost like it could be a mental block for us guys.

Well, there's certain things we just don't see, but we feel the responsibility and the pressure to lead, and we think, oh, I have to do it alone because I'm leading her.

No, you need her insight, you need that counsel.

She wants to talk it out, not because she's trying to control you, but when she sees that danger or sees that potential mistake, she's like, hey, let's talk this out.

Maybe let's figure out a better plan of how to do this.

I'm with you and I support you, but let's talk this out.

Maybe the way of how you want to do it can use a little bit of finesse.

You know what I'm saying?

But you value her opinion.

So saying, hey, I'm feeling like doing this, I want to do this, happen.

What do you think?

That will mean the world to her.

I want to know what you think.

I want to give you input on this.

But sometimes, guys, we just steamroll.

I gotta make decisions to do stuff.

Hey, honey, be quiet, I'm trying to lead here.

And women will just go when you're not doing that, they're just not feeling loved.

They're not feeling cherished.

It doesn't matter.

You value her opinion in the gray areas, even when you're wrong.

Also, you ever have it when you disagree, you think someone's wrong?

Sometimes it's simply an opinion.

It's not a matter of right and wrong.

It's like, well, you just prefer this, and I prefer this.

That doesn't mean they're wrong.

We'll get very ext extreme sometimes in disagreements.

Well, that's wrong.

No, it's not.

It's just different.

You choose family outings over guy things.

You make her feel first in importance, you are proud of her and all she does.

First Peter 3 7, in the same way you husbands must give honor to your wives.

Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.

She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life.

Treat her as you should, so your prayers will not be hindered.

Um, weaker here does not is not talking about physical, emotional, it's not talking about her makeup, it's talking about her vulnerability to you in the context of a marriage and what you're meant to be to her.

I'd like to give you an illustration of what I'm talking about.

If if it's raining outside and you are an umbrella for her, she's trusting that when she she has the umbrella that you're actually going to cover her.

Well, if your umbrella has a bunch of holes in it and she goes out in the rain, she's still getting wet.

She's vulnerable.

She's vulnerable to free for the the idea of simply being under you to cover and protect her.

Okay?

She's vulnerable to you emotionally because of the place that you have with her.

I can say things to hurt Catherine that will hurt her way more than someone else can hurt her.

She's vulnerable because of her makeup and commitment to me.

There's women that are stronger, there's women that are smarter, there's women that are more successful than their husbands.

That's not what it's talking about when it says weaker.

Feminists love to use this verse.

Well, the Bible says that women are not good as men.

That's not what it's talking about.

Um I went kind of long.

I'm gonna have grace for you all, and I'm gonna leave us on a cliffhanger.

Is that okay?

Or do you want me to keep going?

It's 1220.

Yeah, it is late.

No, I'm gonna be nice.

Y'all stand up.

Um we're going to finish the other half of this up.

Um, the next two weeks, we're going to be hitting some other wonderful things.

So basically, uh mid-March, we're gonna hit up the other side of this of women, of how you can show respect to men.

Okay?

I don't want to hurry this.

Is that fair?

So, ladies, you're welcome.

The next three weeks are gonna be amazing, and then your rebuke comes.

Make sure you're here.

Lord, I thank you for your faithfulness, Father, and I just speak over all the men, and I ask for your grace and revelation, Lord, to love them as you love your church as you love us, Father.

I ask for your help, Father, for just them to see the needs and how vulnerable, Lord, our wife is to us, and how much there's so many things that she needs from us, Lord, that we could satisfy, that would just give her life, Father.

And Lord, I ask for the revelation, Lord, of headship that it's not about dominating, and it's not about worth, and it's not about skill, Lord, it's about responsibility, Lord, and that we are not free to do what we want, Lord, but we're accountable to you to love her as Christ love the church.

Help us to see that and forgive us, Father, when we've used our role, we've used our authority, we've used our place in the marriage to try to get our own way, satisfy our own desires and dreams, Lord.

Forgive us, Father, for being selfish, forgive us for being prideful, forgive us for trying to return evil for evil, Lord, justifying it to ourselves, Father.

And I ask that you bring healing in marriages, Lord.

Bring healing, I ask as the conversations come up, as things are taken out that are buried up, maybe buried for years, Lord.

I ask for grace, and I even just feel like the Lord wants you to know, hey, if it gets messy, it's a good mess, because I'll be able to clean it up.

Let me clean it up.

Thank you, Father, for the life that is going to come to ladies, Lord, in this season.

Thank you for the life that's gonna come in men and the clarity, Father, of what you're doing.

And we say no weapon formed against marriage is shall prosper.

We speak the life and the grace and the blood of Jesus over them.

The life and the grace and the blood of Jesus, and we say dead things come to life in the name of Jesus.

I am going to uh be providing a printout in our newsletter.

It usually goes out on Monday.

I'll have a printout of these that kind of it just explains it, so um, you can just have something to go off of if you're interested.

I would encourage you to get that book.

It's Edric's Emerson, Love and Respect.

Man, this book will help you a lot put to words how to tell your wife what you're needing.

Man, we are not good at that.

We're not good at putting words to answering, like, ah, what is going on in me?

But it's also going to help you understand, men, it's not about you being perfect.

Okay?

So I would encourage you to read it.

If you don't, if you don't have if you don't aren't signed up for our newsletter, just go to our website, ccc neonan.org, and subscribe, and then you'll get the newsletter.