MVP (Week 4)

Hey, thank you so much for welcoming welcoming me in this place.

What a joy it is to be with you guys.

I just want to encourage you all and let you know that uh Southland we're not only cheering you guys on, but we are praying you guys on.

We pray for you guys all the time.

And so we're really, really grateful that you're here in this place and thankful for the work that you're doing.

Our vision at Southland is that we really hope and pray for the day, and I I think you'll join us in this hope and this prayer, uh, that there will be a healthy, thriving church within 20 minutes of everyone within the Commonwealth of Kentucky.

And so that's our vision, our hope, and our dream.

I know that you guys are joining us in that and praying to that, to that end.

A Forrest asked me to come today to kind of wrap up this series, and he told me uh that we were gonna be, I was gonna be talking about parenting, and I thought, well, I I mean I can talk about that.

I got I got four kids, and so the thing that happens once you have four kids is you start calling them by number.

And so I I grew up an only child, and so my house felt crowded the moment I got married, and then when we started having kids, it really started feeling crowded.

And so uh I grew up in Lexington, my my wife and I met in Lexington, and then we did ministry at Southland for about eight years, and then we went out to to Boulder, Colorado for 11 years, and then we've been back here for about six years.

Somebody's from Boulder over here.

Oh, what's up?

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, she's the one that smells like patchouli and stuff like that over there, and so so so when you said I've been in ministry 18 years, I was like, man, I think it's 25, something like that, but I'm getting I'm getting old, I can't remember numbers very well, and I went to Bible college and don't do math, but been doing this for a long time, been having kids for a while and all that kind of thing.

So I got these, I got these four kids, and so when some when we were when we were out in Colorado on one spectacular early fall evening, uh number two, okay, my oldest boy, had football practice, and the rest of us were back at the house.

So I'm I'm back at the house with with my wife, and I'm there with number one, who's my daughter, and then I'm there with number three, who's a son, and number four, who's the son.

And so I looked outside, and and so on the front range of the Rocky Mountains.

Anybody's ever been out to the Rocky Mountains, you know how beautiful it is.

As the sun was starting to get lower, I could tell, oh man, this is gonna be a spectacular evening.

It's gonna just be one of those beautiful sunsets.

And so I I told my wife, I said, Hey, I'm gonna head over to football practice early so I can just kind of lean on the fence and watch the end of football practice, watch the sun go down, and just kind of take in this beautiful Colorado fall evening.

She goes, Go ahead, that's great, have fun.

Right at the last second, number three, uh, my son Silas, I do know their names, I promise.

Uh, he he he comes to me and goes, Dad, I want to go too.

And because there was a playground near the football field, and so, like the responsible husband and father that I am, I told my wife, hey, number three is also coming with me.

And so he jumps in the truck, and then we head just a couple miles down the road to go to go to football practice.

And so we get there, and when when we hop out of the truck, number three scurries off over to the playground, which is kind of a distance off by the school, and then there's the football field over here, and I just kind of slowly walk over, lean on the fence, take in football practice, take in this beautiful fall evening, and life is just fantastic.

It's just one of those beautiful fall evenings.

And so when football practice is over, uh, number two comes over to me.

His name is Eli, and he's just a you know, it's football practice, he's a sweaty mess, holding his shoulder pads, got his helmet in his hands, the sun is setting behind him, and I'd been watching him, been observing him.

He'd been working really hard, been playing really hard.

And so I walk over, put my arm around him and say, Man, you did a great job.

I really enjoyed watching you play tonight.

Way to work hard.

And we hopped in the truck and we went home.

Some of you are like, you're picking up on what's happening here.

And so, so we go home, and and I I even remember like feeling really proud of myself as a dad because on the way home, we're having this great conversation.

Me and me and my son, we're just having this father-son bonding kind of moment.

Like, man, this is this I'm really pretty good at this.

I kind of know what I'm doing as a dad.

And so, so we get all the way home, okay?

He he hops out of the truck, goes into the house and takes a shower.

I go sit in the recliner, turn on the television, start watching some form of sports.

And my wife, who's giving number four a bath upstairs, at some point shouts down to me, hey Scott, send Silas up.

He needs to take a bath.

It still hasn't hit me.

He needs to take a bath.

I go, okay.

And so I get up out of my chair, and I'm actually a little frustrated with Silas, like, where is he?

And so I go over to the I go over to the basement door, open it, and yell down, thinking he could be down there playing, hey Silas, Silas, nothing, okay.

So I go to the backyard, slide the slide the glass door, shout out into the backyard, hey Silas, your mom needs you to go take take a bath.

Nothing, nothing.

He's not anywhere, and he's been known to hide and things like that, so I think he's just messing with me.

And so I start kind of rummaging around the house.

It still hadn't hit me, and I start to go up the stairs, and as I go up the stairs, I don't know what it was, but something just hit me like a lightning bolt, and I just screamed at the top of my lungs.

I left him at the park.

And my wife comes out of the bathroom at the top of the landing, and she stares down at me and then proceeds to say things that I can't say in church to mean.

And then she goes, I go, I'm gonna go get him, and she goes, I'm going with you.

And so we tell number one to watch number four, and number two is still in the shower as we go to retreat, number three, and so so we we fly down Erie Parkways, just a few miles from from from the football field, and I am driving recklessly.

I mean, I'm just you you've you've experienced this.

Maybe you have not abandoned your child like I have, but you've lost your child at some point if you have if you have kids, and every like second takes hours off your life.

And remember, the sun was setting when we were at football practice.

So it is basically dark at this point, and so we're flying down the road, and my wife is telling me all the ways she's gonna divorce me and all that kind of thing.

And so we we we get to the field, and and I pull into the parking lot, and I'm scanning.

I I see over here, I see this this silhouette that every good father can recognize their children from far away.

So I know it's him.

He he he he comes down the slide, goes back to the ladder, up the ladder, down the slide, and it hits me.

He has no idea that I left him.

This is wonderful.

And so I walk over, I walk over to the fence, and I just casually kind of yell out like I would always do, hey Silas, buddy, it's time to go home.

Come on.

And he scampers over to me excitedly, and I put my arm around him, and I think, this is great.

I don't have to tell him.

And then I turn and I'm met with the steely gaze of my wife, and she communicates to me without words in only a way that a wife can.

I cannot believe I had babies with you.

And she forces me to confess to this young man that I had abandoned him at the playground.

And just so you know, his counseling's going well, it's all it's all good.

The reality is this there are a few things, if anything, in life that can make me feel like a bigger failure than parenting.

Parenting is really, really hard.

And those of you who are parents today, we're gonna be talking from a perspective that it doesn't matter if your child is one month old or 50 years old, it doesn't matter.

And for those of you who hope and dream to have children one day, and I highly encourage you to do that, this would be the kind of thing that you're gonna want to write down because you're gonna hear a lot of examples out of me of what not to do today, because parenting is really, really hard.

Now, what is it what is the primary reason that parenting is so hard?

Is it because kids don't sleep, they get sick, and they generally don't cooperate?

Well, yeah, that's that's difficult.

Is it because you and I didn't have a good model of parenting and so a lot of us were flying blind?

Yeah, me, that's my story.

Is it because there's so much information out there it's really hard to sort through what's right, what's wrong, what's stupid, and what's unwise?

Yeah, that's complicated.

Those all those all certainly contribute to why parenting is hard.

But let me tell you the primary reason that parenting is so hard.

The primary reason parenting is so hard is because I try to get from my kids what I can only get from God.

And if you're a parent and you're honest, you do the same thing.

And there's a name for this, it's called identity parenting.

And identity parenting is when you allow your value, your worth, and your identity to be determined by what your children do or don't do.

Some of you right now are thinking back to the way your parents parented you, and you're going, oh, this feels familiar.

There's another more broad biblical concept that describes this, and I hate to break it to you, but it's the word idolatry.

It's the word idolatry, it's when you and I, and we do this all the time, our hearts are idle factories.

It's when we worship created things instead of the creator.

And we're tempted to do it all the time, and I have more bad news for you today.

Kids make terrible gods.

Don't they?

Parents, we learn this the hard way.

They make terrible gods.

They can be great kids, but they make terrible objects of worship.

So Paul Tripp, who wrote a really cleverly entitled parenting book called Parenting, said this.

If you're not resting as a parent in your identity in Christ, you will look for your identity in your children.

If you're not resting in your identity in Christ, you will look for your identity in your children.

So let me give you an example.

Literally, as I was putting this sermon together this week, I stepped out of my office and had to go down the hall for something.

And I had one of our young staff members stop me and say, Hey, can I just tell you how awesome your son Silas is?

See, he's the third one I lost, like he is doing okay, like I didn't totally ruin him.

Can I just tell you how awesome he is?

He's so kind, he's so sweet.

She just went on and on and on.

And people stop me all the time to tell me this about that one in particular, number three.

Now, the the reality is this if I allow that good news to be the good news, that actually takes root in my heart in a really, really negative way.

What happens when I put Silas in a position of being a God who always has to perform for me?

And the second that he fails to be perfect, what happens?

Our relationship gets shattered because I've put him in this place that only God can be in.

See, when you make a good thing an ultimate thing, it becomes a destructive thing.

When you make a good thing an ultimate thing, it becomes a destructive thing.

If you hear me preach once, you'll hear me say that.

I say it all the time.

Because I really do think most of our lives, especially once we become Christians, once we become followers of Jesus, is not about just determining between right and wrong.

Oftentimes it's taking these good gifts that God's given us and not elevating them to the place of God in our lives and remembering the giver of those good gifts and keeping our affections and keeping our worship directed towards towards Him.

And this is true for so many things.

Like I try to tell young preachers this all the time.

Like, like if your identity as a preacher is determined by your email inbox on Monday morning, for good or for bad, man, you are in some serious trouble.

Like if who you are hangs in the balance on what people say about you or say to you, man, you are in some serious trouble.

And I've had it all over the course of my however many years of ministry.

I've had people tell me that I'm awesome.

I've had people tell me they they want to kill me.

I've had people tell me everything that you can possibly imagine.

And if my identity is determined by that, I wouldn't be able to do this.

So I come before you today as not an expert.

I come before you today as kind of this war-torn veteran who still has his boots planted firmly on the battlefield with a 19-year-old, a 17-year-old, a 13-year-old, and a nine-year-old.

In fact, I get deeply suspicious of anyone who would have the courage to write a parenting book.

To be frank, like the only parenting book I ever recommend is one I already quoted to you because it's the only one that I found.

I'm sure there's some good ones out there, where people don't come to you with some sort of prescription that maybe might have worked on one of their kids, and they're telling you to prescribe it to your kids that they don't know.

One of the most helpful things that John Weese, my friend and brother and partner in ministry, told me several years ago was you got a parent to the personality.

You got a parent to the personality, and that was so helpful to me because I got four and I got four different personalities.

So the second I think I've got something figured out, like it doesn't work on the next one down the line, and it doesn't work on the next one down the line after that one.

So what I'm more eager for, and what I find more helpful, is not specific prescriptions and methodologies, but rather a set of guiding principles that will allow you to adapt to each and every child that you may or may not have.

You need to know the why behind everything that you're doing.

So here's what a principle is a principle is a fundamental truth that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior.

Now, fortunately for us, the Bible points us in this direction all the time.

One of my favorites in this realm is actually tattooed on my shoulder over here.

It's Psalm 127.

You've heard this before if you grew up in church, especially verses 3 through 5, which says this Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.

Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.

He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Now, we could spend sermons and sermons on that, those couple verses right there.

But what I want to what I want to capture right here is just the picture that this passage is painting for us.

And I want you to notice that this is described as the children of one's youth.

So the children you have when you're still young is the picture that's being painted here.

Because contextually, especially in in ancient times, man, you wanted to have children as young as possible because you needed some help.

Like you needed some help around the farm, you needed some help in protecting the family.

And so business was done in the city gates.

And so when it talks about this man being at the city gates with his children of his youth standing behind him, the picture that's being painted is of these young strapping warriors standing behind him when he's doing business at the city gate so that nobody would dare cheat him.

That's what's that's what's being painted right here.

Now the other picture that's being painted here is that children are being are being compared to something, and what they're being compared to is an arrow.

Right?

So what is an arrow for?

Well, we need to understand it's to be aimed and released at a target.

It's to be aimed and released at a target.

Your children aren't for you.

You hear me?

Your children aren't for you, so that you could just keep your children to be released in a specific direction.

And of course the question becomes, well, in what direction?

Like what's the target?

And again, fortunately, the Bible paints this picture very clearly for us.

One of the most helpful passages you'll come across is Ephesians chapter 4.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

And it's directed specifically at fathers.

So if you're in this room right now and you're a father, this is the part where you better sit up straight, like circle this, like highlight this, like memorize this one.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.

Apparently that's something we're uniquely talented at, fathers.

I know I am.

What that literally means is, what it literally means is backing your children into a corner where they're in a no-win situation.

There's something about us as fathers that we uniquely are very adept at doing that.

And so much so that the Bible itself has to address it.

Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but, so here's the positive side, but rather bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

So simply put, the target is Jesus.

We want our children to be aimed at Jesus, to become more like Jesus as they follow Jesus.

And this passage, again, is explicitly directed to fathers.

So, fathers, this is our responsibility.

Okay?

It's our responsibility to ensure that this is what's happening in our home.

See, I often find myself fighting with my children in my home instead of for my children.

And what our children don't need is their home to become the war zone because every day they're in the war zone.

So they need to see and feel that we're fighting for them at every turn.

And they're not always gonna understand that.

I tell my 17-year-old the other day, like, hey bro, I'm actually fighting for you right now.

Like I'm contending for you.

What do you think it is that I want for you right now?

I have good intentions towards you.

I know you don't like this, but I want good for you.

Now, the picture that's being painted here when it talks about bringing somebody up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord was a unique Greco-Roman concept called Padia.

Okay, in the Greco-Roman world, they thought they were creating kind of this heaven-on-earth utopian existence.

And so the thought process was how do we create the ideal children who will become the ideal adults in the ideal culture?

Now, of course, their picture of what an ideal culture was was precisely the opposite of the picture that God has.

It was counter to God's will and God's purposes.

But what Paul is doing is he's redeeming this concept and saying, as Christian, as Christian fathers, our job is to train up our children to become the kind of children who fit right in, who are right at home in the kind of kingdom that Jesus is building.

So here's where this gets super important for us in the culture that we're living in right now.

Okay?

This is really important.

Listen really clearly.

Paul is proposing a counterculture and challenging Christian fathers to raise their children in such a way that they will be right at home in King Jesus' kingdom.

This means that our goals, our goal as fathers, is not to raise kids who will be right at home in a culture.

This is so important.

Hear this.

Our goal is not to raise kids who will be right at home in a culture that celebrates sin, that fuels sexual dysfunction and disorder at every turn, that takes pride in what breaks God's heart and hurts his people.

Our goal is not to raise kids who are so well adjusted to and conform to the patterns of this world that they wouldn't even recognize Jesus' kingdom.

Our goal is to raise kids who celebrate what God celebrates, to be grateful for what God has given them, to embrace what God embraces, to humble themselves under his reign and his rule and whose hearts break for lost and broken people.

Our goal is to raise kids who will think properly through a biblical filter.

We want to raise kids who can identify evil because they're so well acquainted with Jesus.

That's what we want.

And that is a monumental task.

Like if you're a parent and you're hearing that right now, you're like, yeah, that sounds good.

But how do we do that?

I'll give you a word that I really love.

We do it with ferocity.

We do it with ferocity.

We have to be ferocious about this.

We have to be protective about this.

We have to be engaged about this.

Which means that we have to leave passivity behind us.

And man, this is such a temptation for me at every turn.

This shows up in the moments where everything within you just wants to call it a night.

You just want to be done.

You've already gone to bed, you know you need to go upstairs and apologize to your teenage daughter because you blew up at her.

To be ferocious in that moment means to get out of bed, walk up the stairs, and go say, I sinned against you.

Will you please forgive me?

That's ferocious.

When you would rather leave a concern with your son unaddressed on the drive home, it shows up in the moments when you're so dead dog tired the last thing you want to do is help with homework.

It shows up in the moments where it would be so much easier to just not know what's in that phone.

But you pick it up anyway, you scroll through it, you look for all the different apps, and you do your best.

And then you confront whatever comes your direction.

That being said, we also need to balance this out and understand we're not anyone's savior, and especially our kids.

We are not anyone's like the thing they need the most is the thing we can't do.

You hear me?

The thing they need the most is an internal heart transformation, and we can't do that.

Only Jesus can do that.

So our job is to aim them at Jesus and release them towards him.

Sometimes the most ferocious thing you can do is fall on your knees in prayer for them.

I don't know if you notice this or not.

I don't know if it's happened this time around, but anytime there's something culturally significant that happens or some sort of weather event or something like that, people are starting to get really mad when people say, Hey, thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers.

And I get it because look, you know, James talks about like if somebody is cold and hungry and you say, Hey, I'm praying for you, but you don't give them food and you don't clothe them, like what good is that?

Like, I totally get it.

But what about when you are in so deep there's literally nothing you can do?

Thoughts and prayers are powerful.

Prayers are powerful.

And sometimes the most significant.

thing we can do is pray for our children.

When you've spent every dime, exhausted every resource, and tried all the things, some things are so big, the most practical thing you can do is pray.

So fathers, let's pray for our kids to love and follow Jesus, to marry spouses who love and follow Jesus.

Let's pray for our kids to see the world the way Jesus sees the world, to love people the way Jesus loves people.

Let's pray for our kids to be courageous and not to compromise in a culture that hates Jesus, hates homes, hates families and hates children.

My oldest boy number two, Eli, when he was born, and those of you who are fathers and you have sons, like you know how this feels like I had already had a daughter and that was awesome that whole daddy-daughter thing and all that.

And then then with number two found out boys coming, all of a sudden I fast forward like in my mind to all these father-son moments I'm looking forward to having, right?

Like shooting ball in the driveway, playing catch, like all the different things, you know?

And so as he's like two, three, four years old, I notice like he doesn't even notice that I'm around.

He like just loves his mama.

You know what I mean?

Like he's such a mama's boy.

Like he typically looked at me like a competitor for food in the house.

You know like like he wasn't really even sure why I was around most of the time.

And I'm always trying to play with him, engage him, but really at the end of the day he loved his mama didn't really see what point I served in this whole endeavor called a family.

And so we we went to SeaWorld uh out in San Diego from Colorado when he was roughly three or four years old, something like that.

We get out there so it's just uh my wife, me, my daughter and then then Eli and we go to SeaWorld the first day and we have pictures from SeaWorld and this is so true to form he didn't have a shirt on the whole day.

I don't know why.

I think he thought it was like a water park that he was going to get to swim with the fish or something like that.

His shirt was off all day and like a four-year-old boy is sometimes or often do he like literally like licked every handrail in the place you know he's eating food off the floor.

He was just he was wild all right and he's still wild.

And in that night we get to the hotel room and we're trying to go to bed and he comes over uh to our bed and says hey uh my stomach hurts and so so Allie gets up and goes to the to the other bed with my daughter and Eli this was a smart move on her part now that I think about it Eli comes over and is laying in the bed with me and he proceeds to sit up and just throw up all over me.

Just throws up all over me in the bed in the hotel and some of you as parents have been through this and so we have to call room service get new bed sheets put them in the bathtub do the whole thing all while trying not to wake up my daughter go through that whole thing get him back in bed he throws up again does it again it happened like three or four times and it became just one of those nights that you experience as a parent utterly exhausting right like utterly exhausting.

We're in this hotel room everything's a disaster everything smells it's awful so the next morning he's still really really sick we're not really sure what's wrong with him other than he you know contracted 12 different things from licking all the handrails at SeaWorld the day before and so I tell my wife like hey you take land or you take my daughter go back to SeaWorld don't want everybody just sit around and smell this all day and so so just go to SeaWorld.

And so they go to SeaWorld and and so I'm just sitting there in this hotel room in San Diego with this little guy who just feels terrible and he's upset because he doesn't get to go to SeaWorld and I'm feeling really bad for him and I'm like man what could like what can we do?

He doesn't have the energy to like walk anywhere play anywhere do anything I don't want to just sit in this hotel room all day.

So I take him across the street and we rent a um one of those those bicycles with a like a carriage behind it you know what I'm talking about and so I I get it for like$12 or something like that.

They're like man you can have it all day and so I'm like all right cool so I put him in this in this thing and he was like a a brick house man I mean he was like a bowling ball when he was at it he was very very dense and so I put him in this thing and this bike because it's San Diego is a beach cruiser okay big handlebars you know I'm talking about no gears rusty banana seat you know the whole nine yards like they just like duct tape the trailer to it and so we we take off.

Now if you've ever been to San Diego there's all these like bridges that go over the channels and when you're driving a vehicle that is gas powered it doesn't seem like it's a significant incline to go over these bridges.

When you're on a beach cruiser pulling a bowling ball behind you it is quite the task it's quite the endeavor and so man I peddled him all over that city we stopped at beaches he started to feel a little bit better I got him some popsicles we found some playgrounds where he went down some slides and probably infected all the other children with whatever he had and all that kind of thing and then we we we get back to the to the hotel room and it was like something had shifted in our relationship that day.

It was like suddenly he sensed like oh I see a purpose for you dad you're strong and when I'm weak you can carry me and all I had going through my mind in that day was this passage the Lord your God who's going before you will fight for you as he did for you in Egypt before your very eyes and in the wilderness there you saw how the Lord your God carried you as a father carries his son all the way you went until you reach this place.

It's a beautiful picture now what does that have to do with identity parenting everything.

Because here's the deal when we fall into the trap of identity parenting instead of serving our kids and aiming our kids and disciplining our kids at a in the time that they need it instead of carrying our kids what is it that we're doing when we fall into the trap of identity parenting what we're doing is we're hopping on their back and demanding that they carry us that they carry our weight that they carry the pressure of our needs so what does that look like well when they step into the batter's box they're carrying our desperate need for success and recognition on their backs when they take a test they're weighed down by our insecurities and fears around performance and achievement when they step out on the stage they're overwhelmed by our regret and past failures.

See they have to carry the weight because they're humans like us they have to carry the weight of their own worries and fears plus ours when we give in to the temptation of identity parenting and guess what?

It's too much y'all it's too much they can't carry it.

Their own insecurities and their own fears are heavy enough much less if they have to carry the weight of our burdens as well.

I have a friend who's about 15 years older than me really good friends of this day and he can still to this day vividly tell you all about a day that he was standing on a pitching mound about 12 or 13 years old and his day was not going well.

He was walking batters, giving up hits, and his father positioned himself directly behind the backstop and began to berate him screaming at him cussing at him wearing him out from back there and my my friend is just falling apart on the pitcher's mound and he's got tears going down his cheeks and the coaches want to stop the game and take him out and put somebody else in and the father's screaming you leave him out there.

When this man was in his 40s and 50s and now in his 60s he can still tell you about that day.

And it took him a long time to realize that his entire life had been shaped by that moment his whole life was being lived as a response to that moment because in the moment when he needed his father to say man I'm well pleased with you regardless of your performance I love you you're my son he got exactly the opposite and so what did my friend set out to do for the rest of his life to perform at such a high level that he would never feel something like that again.

And guess what?

You can't and so his whole life was a desperate search to fill the void that was created in that in that moment.

At the end of the day what was happening with that young man standing on that mound is his father had given into identity parenting and what he was actually doing was he was strange as this may sound he was worshiping his son he was trying to get something from his son that you can only get from God and because his son wasn't delivering it he was getting angry and falling apart.

He was trying to find his own value his own worth his own significance through his son's performance on a pitching mound.

And when he didn't deliver man it became a destructive force in both of their lives see we are all worshipers.

We will go to someone or something to provide us with our identity and give us our satisfaction and as parents there is a strong temptation to do this with our children and oftentimes we don't even recognize that we're doing it.

The book of Jeremiah God said this about his people for my people have committed two evils.

They've forsaken me turned their back on me the fountain of living waters and they've hewed out cisterns for themselves broken cisterns that can hold no water so what we do all the time it's like we're carrying around these buckets with us all the time and and we're we're trying to get from people and things what we can only get from God but inevitably these buckets man they they leak they're broken they can't hold water and the places we go can't deliver what we want anyway and then we end up angry frustrated sad broken when we do this in parenting it crushes our kids it overwhelms them parenting is one of the worst places to go to find your identity trying to get from our children what we already have in Christ crushes them leaves them feeling upset broken and leaves us feeling empty and angry.

So I have to remind myself every day when we live out of our identity as God's children we don't try to get our identity from our children when we live out of our identity as God's children who he loves and he's pleased with we don't try to get our identity from our children.

So let me give you a handful of things with the time we have left just to watch out for because these are all things that I struggle with as a father.

Number one, success success can be a trap let me ask you a question.

Why do you think we've created a culture where everyone gets a ribbon for everything?

Why do you think we did that?

Because of a bunch of parents who need to feel like their children are elite and why do we need to feel that why do we need to lower the educational standards to the degree that everybody just gets a thumbs up are you telling me everybody's just as good as math at every as everybody?

No.

Why?

Because we need to feel like our kids are smart, elite, the best and why do we need to feel that?

Because we're trying to get our identity from them that's why you want to know why there's so many travel baseball teams soccer teams and volleyball teams and everything else?

You want to know why you have to travel with a nine year old team from central Kentucky to Alabama even though there's plenty of other nine year olds to play in central Kentucky because we really like that word elite being across our kids' chest and we really like to think man our our kids are going to be the best but if everybody's the best then nobody's the best right so we've created this everybody gets a ribbon culture because it's about us it's not even about them because if we're super honest what are we actually doing to them?

We're lying to them.

We're lying to them and saying you're a winner and they can look and go, no I'm not Jimmy over there is better at math than me.

Sally over there is actually faster than me.

We're lying to our children to make ourselves feel better and it plays itself out on both sides of the spectrum second one Reputation if you find yourself constantly worried about what people think about you based on your children's behavior for good or for bad that's called identity parenting Paul Tripp says this and this hit me right between the eyes God didn't give you your children to build your reputation right can I tell you what a struggle this is for me in ministry I go to Kroger with a nine year old I go to wherever when they were toddlers I just got done preaching on parenting at the church last week and one of them melts down right in the middle of the lobby right right in the middle of the aisle what am I feeling in that moment?

I'm feeling all the pressure all the weight of man pastors' kids better act right and I have to work really hard against that because there's a whole bunch of people who are perfectly willing to play that game a whole bunch of people who are perfectly happy to gossip about the pastor's kids put extra pressure on the pastor's kids all of that is a real thing.

And so I have to fight this temptation all the time to realize man my kids were not given to me and trusted to me to bolster my reputation because who cares about my reputation I just want my kids to follow Jesus and they're sinners like me and they need grace and they need mercy just like I do.

And so I have to put all that pressure behind me but boy that's hard to do.

Another one is control.

I don't know if um if you've ever done this I I used to do this a lot more I don't do it anymore but I I used to preemptively strike with my kids so when they were all super little and we'd have them in the van and we'd be going to somebody else's house and I'd be just like like racked with anxiety of like Eli's gonna punch somebody and you know I mean what's going to happen?

The whole thing's gonna blow up and we're gonna have to leave and it's just gonna be stressful and why do we even do this and so what I would do is I'd preemptively strike and I would give a speech on the way over if you do this then that will happen.

If you do this then this will happen and if you do then I threaten and I I try to control everybody's behavior on the front end.

And so what am what am I doing?

I'm not even giving them the chance so the poor kids walk in there like afraid to speak afraid to make eye contact afraid to do anything because dad's already threatened us with 12 different punishments or or what do they do?

They go well what's the point in even trying let's just have some fun while it lasts blow this place up right it's just my desperate desire for control.

And I find that all over the place in my life but especially in parenting here's another one watch out for this tension doing versus being doing versus being are we more concerned with what our kids are doing or who they are this is really the distinction between a relationship and religion right see religion's all about doing and it always leads to two places sometimes one sometimes the other and usually if you practice it long enough you'll end up in both places but religion always leads to arrogance and despair because if you're really good at doing if you're really good at checking all the boxes on the surface level like the Pharisees you'll become very very arrogant and start to believe that that's actually who you are and you get your value and your worth or your performance and you can look around at other people who don't perform as well as you and that bolsters your arrogance you go oh man I'm better than them or it leads to despair I can't live up to this I can't do that.

I don't check all the boxes I make mistakes I sin I mess up all the time and so I fall into utter depression I have a child who has never never received a bad report from a from a teacher never have we gone to pick him up out of class at church and they go well we need to tell you about an incident it's never happened.

Everybody always comes to us like he's awesome he's great he's the best he's the second coming like he's all it's like but what do we know about him what we know is that he has a struggle with sin just like everybody has a struggle with sin.

And so we have to we have to pay attention to his heart and what's going on because if all we did was pay attention to what he's doing we would start to believe that he was perfect.

And he might start to believe it about himself.

Then we got kids on the other end of the spectrum it's like every time we go to pick him up from something we just like brace ourselves you know to hear what happened here's the thing the the one the one in my house that's drawn the most punishments and gotten the most attention got in the most trouble and just is the most extroverted and all that kind of thing he's actually the most compassionate one in my home he actually loves deeply is intensely loyal and his heart breaks for people who are lost and broken and marginalized but most people wouldn't see that.

So if I was just paying attention to the doing what would happen with him?

I'd weigh him down with heavy burdens.

What I'm trying to nurture is that thing that a lot of other people don't see how about taking things personally and I know I'm speaking to people who understand this but it feels like your three year old is just dreaming of ways to make you tired right it feels like that baby in that crib is actually somehow conspiring against you right it feels deeply personal and this progresses.

We start to think man my 16 year old my 19 year old is just creatively dreaming up ways to make me worry right and so when we're thinking that way we'll say things to them like how could you do this to me?

When really they weren't trying to do anything to us.

How could you do this to me as a terrible response when your child gets a bad grade or strikes out and then we tend to give other speeches don't you know how much I sacrificed for you it's not a good response when your child misbehaves what we're trying to do in that moment is we're trying to control them through guilt and shame which is not the way we would want to be treated.

See when I take things personally I get angry and what I've noticed about myself is when I get angry I rarely give my children what they need.

I tend to give them what I think they deserve.

Thank God literally that's not what he did with me.

He didn't give us what we deserved he gave us grace he gave us mercy he gave us his son Jesus so the bottom line today is this when we realize our identity as God's children we don't try to get our identity from our children.

So I just want to challenge you with this verse Romans 8 15 through 16 for you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear but you've received the spirit of adoption as sons by whom we cry Abba Father Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.

The best thing you could ever do for your children is to rest in the knowledge that you are God's child.

Pray with me Father God thank you so much for multiply church thank you so much for the just the spirit of humility that's so present in this place reminds me of your son Jesus so thank you for these followers of Jesus in this place thank you that we get to lock arms with them from Southland and Father thank you for the opportunities they have here in Frankfurt and beyond to reach lost and broken people.

Thank you for the mission that you've called this church to Father there's probably no more important mission than the one that we've been called to in our own homes so Father may everything that we do out there be a reflection of what's going on inside our homes and our homes are full of sinful broken people because we're there.

So we're thankful for your redemption for your grace for your mercy for your love for your truth that you call us to Father I pray that today it would just be a freeing moment for us to reflect on the fact that we are in fact your children and then we can let our children off the mat so that they don't have to give us what you can only give us with which is our our worth and our value and our identity which if we really want to know what that is all we have to do is look at the cross.

Thank you thank you thank you for your son Jesus' sacrifices redemption that he conquered sin, Satan, and death when he rose from that grave.

It's in Jesus' beautiful name.

Amen.