Family Trip - What to do When the Family Breaks

Come on, what an honor and a privilege to be here today.

So, so glad to be back in Multiply.

I gotta tell you guys, I love Multiply Church.

I don't know if you know this.

Uh, Pastor Forrest, Emily, you guys have some of the best leaders in the world in this church.

Can you put your hands together for your pastors?

And how awesome it is to be here.

You know, um, our church, we've been navigating, uh opening the doors, uh, which sometimes apparently is harder than other times.

Um, and we've been preparing to launch our church uh coming this fall.

And Pastor Forrest has been one of those brothers in arms, you know, uh, who just has FaceTimed me at random points and just breathed life and encouragement into us.

And I wanted to take a moment uh to honor him and his family and the seed that they sow here each and every week.

Because one of the things that I've learned about your pastor is that uh he's as authentic as they come, and that he really genuinely cares about the big sea, the church, and uh what an honor and a privilege it is to be here today with you, Multiply Church, and I'm excited to share God's word.

Uh, we're starting a new series today.

It's called Family Trip.

Uh anyone else's family be tripping?

No, just my uh get it started off on the right foot.

Uh you know, this series it's about helping your family find your way.

I love the premise because really all of our families and all of our lives, we're on a journey.

Um, and we have this opportunity at hand to experience uh God's faithfulness in the midst of our family dynamics, which on the surface, if you're anything like me in my family, um seems like it can be a hard thing to accomplish at times.

But I hope today that you'll receive some hope and knowing that God has a purpose and an intention for your family because of how he has designed the family.

You know, a few things that we believe about the family is that God created the family with purpose, with intention.

And he gives definition to what the family is.

He outlines the purposes of family in Scripture.

But here's the tension, and I think we can all agree that we've experienced this in some respect or another.

Uh, there is a spiritual attack on the family.

And I can say this because not only are many of us witnessing it from the outside looking in, we're experiencing the fallout of it.

Um we've broken marriages, right?

We have wounded children, uh, generational cycles of dysfunction.

Sometimes it's just Uncle Jimmy at the barbecue.

You know, it's like, ah, you know what I'm saying?

Like, come on, man.

Um, but the reality is that there's there's tension here.

And today, I I'm not bringing a message as someone who's looking from the outside in at this dynamic and wanting to speak to it.

I'm actually sharing from a place of personal experience.

Um, I have experienced a broken family.

Uh my wife, actually, who's here with me today, both of us have experienced broken families and both of them in very different situations and circumstances.

Um, for me, I was born and raised as a pastor's kid.

My parents pastored a church in the same building we're planting our church, how cool is that, um, for 25 years.

And growing up, um, I had about as much of the ideal southern classic solid moral foundation upbringing as you could have.

And my family, in a lot of respects, felt stable until it didn't.

I remember at 15 years old, uh, my parents' marriage fell apart.

And when it happened, it happened fast.

For me at 15, I'll be honest with you, I didn't see it coming.

Maybe I was naive, uh, but there were accusations of an affair, um, their divorce went public, my mom was battling some chronic health issues, and in what felt like a moment, my life flipped upside down.

And so when I tell you I have experienced the fallout of the family, um, I've experienced it in a very real way.

And I would love to tell you today that as I stand here, the damage was minimal, but the truth is it wasn't in my life.

Uh, for much of my adolescence and into the early years of our marriage, I was dealing with the fallout of a broken family.

I dealt with anger issues, I dealt with um deep wounds and hurts, uh, battled some coping mechanisms I didn't understand, you know, like um wrestling through how to numb the pain, or not even really realizing I was trying to numb pain, just trying to process through my own emotions.

Um, and it led to shame I didn't know how to explain.

And so for me, when I look back and I trace those threads back, I realized that many of them led to that moment of my family experiencing brokenness and divorce.

Um, now here's the good news, all right?

We won't leave it there.

I want you to know this for my story and for yours.

God's grace is sufficient.

Man, I hope you hear that today.

That even in the midst of the pain that I experienced, I was never abandoned by God.

Uh, even in the moments where I was acting out of my own pain, God never left me nor forsake me.

Man, is anyone thankful for that today?

Um yeah, and and over time, here's the thing: God didn't just heal me, um, he taught me through it.

And so for us today, I want us to know that God can redeem our pay our pains in ways that we couldn't imagine.

And today I can honestly say that I have more gratitude for the way my life has unfolded than I have regret.

And my hope is for us today that we'll realize that that even though life is hard, God is still good.

That even when we experience pain, um, God is still faithful.

Even when we feel like our world has fallen apart, our God has this way of taking broken things and making them new again.

I mean, our whole entire faith is built on an empty tomb, right?

What was once death is now alive, right?

And we have this opportunity to come to Scripture and realize that family was created with intention, and even if our story hasn't lived that intention or that purpose, we can still experience his grace in the middle of it.

Is anyone thankful for that?

See, here's the thing God created the family to be a place of love, of commitment and growth.

But even when relationships fall apart, God doesn't leave us.

And he offers us grace, healing, and a way to move forward.

So, what do we do when the family breaks?

If you want a title for today's message, you can write that down, What to do when the family breaks, because that's what we're going to be talking about today.

Before we talk about uh divorce and the fallout of broken families, though, we need to start where God starts.

Um, God's original intent for the family.

If you look at Genesis chapter 2, from the very early onset of creation, God actually lays out some details for us and what it means to be a family.

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

Um, Genesis 2.18, uh, God looked at Adam and he said, It's not good for man to be alone.

Uh I'll make a helper that's suitable for him.

All the men in the house better, amen, especially if your wife is sitting next to you, just a little louder.

Say amen.

Amen.

Make a helpful that's suitable for us, right?

Genesis 2.22, it says, The Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man.

That's where I guess the ladies can say amen too, you know.

We helped out.

Um and brought her to the man.

But verse 24 is where he says, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

This is the origin story of the first family, right?

When Jesus was asked about marriage in Matthew 19, he pointed directly to this passage.

And we might ask why, but I would say that it reveals to us the foundation of God's design that man and woman are united in marriage.

They become one flesh, not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally, and a union that is created not just by law, but by covenant.

Because here's the thing marriage is not a contract, marriage is a covenant.

A covenant says, I'm all in no matter what.

A covenant says, I'm going to remain faithful because God's been faithful and his love is unbroken in my life, and so I'm not going to break that love with my spouse.

What I love about God, though, is that God didn't just design the family, God gave the family purpose.

All throughout Scripture you see God speak to this, but in Deuteronomy chapter 6, he outlines some things for us in the manner in which we should lead our lives and raise our children.

Deuteronomy 6 · chapter mention

This is what the Bible says.

It says, You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all your might.

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit down in your house, when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise.

What do we read here?

We read that we should love the Lord God with all of our heart, that we should teach these things to our children, and that we should talk about them everywhere we go.

And so when we look at this, it's it's more than a parenting verse.

This is really a family mission statement.

And this is what God has outlined for each of us to understand about the way that He's designed the family.

It's this that the family is meant to be a place where God is at the center, a place where faith is formed, and a place where truth is taught and lived daily.

Now, I don't know about you, but as I started to discover some of these purposes in my life, it made me realize that me raising a family of five kids, y'all pray for us every day, please.

All right, just add me to your prayer list and your journal.

But raising a family of five kids, like it changed my perspective because it made me realize that my life was actually more than just building traditions like the Fourth of July fireworks we experienced with our kids this week, right?

It was actually about us discipling our children and leading them to a deeper relationship with Jesus and knowing that their faith can't just be formed on a Sunday morning experience, but I actually have a role to play as a father.

My wife has a role to play as a mother that in God's design for the family, we're actually pastoring and leading our children because that's what God has asked us to do.

So the purpose of the family is to reflect God's love, shape character, and build a legacy of faith.

Now, here's where we're gonna pivot a little bit.

Because the reality is for most of us, this hasn't been our story.

In fact, for many of us, I have this idea in my mind that if I really went around the room and asked, hey, how many of you have been affected by some fallout in your family, or you know, uh one or two generations removed from divorce, I would be under the impression most of us would raise our hands.

And so the reality of this is that most of us with this idea of having a family built on God's word, it feels foreign.

Some of us it even feels painful because we've lived through something very different than what we are discussing today.

But I want to tell you today that despite of the family fallout, God still has grace for you to see this through.

Um, let's talk about divorce for a moment.

Um, Malachi 2.16, the Bible says, uh, thus says the Lord, I hate divorce, says the Lord.

Uh to divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty.

I want to state this up front because I feel like it has to be said.

Um, God hates divorce, but God does not hate divorced people.

Man, just know today, if if you found yourself in that situation, even if you were the person who initiated, like God still loves you.

Because God doesn't hate divorce on the baseness of harshness.

God hates divorce because of the after effects, the pain that it causes, the betrayal, the confusion, the heartbreak, the effects on children.

Because divorce wasn't part of God's original design.

It's part of the aftermath of a fallen, broken world.

So when Jesus in Matthew 19, 6 references this, he says, What God has joined together, let no one separate.

One of the things that I love about the local church is it is a place that will fight for them for your marriage.

Like if you're on the rocks today, men, if you're in the doghouse, is that we still say that these days, um, this is the place to be.

Because when you're around healthy community in the context of the body of Christ, there is no one better at fighting for marriage and union than the church.

Um, and I'm thankful for that today.

But Jesus, even in Matthew 19, 6, he acknowledges that divorce was only permitted in the law because of the hardness of people's hearts.

And see, what we have the opportunity to experience through God is this redemptive purpose and this grace that comes from knowing God.

So, yeah, the reality in our culture is that divorce rates remain high, even in the church.

Many adults and children, we carry wounds from broken homes.

In our culture, it's normalized breaking up over commitment, being half in and half out.

And it's weakened the sacredness of covenant, but that's why this conversation matters today.

That's why a message like this has to be presented, because we're not here to shame the broken.

We're here to restore the value of what God has designed.

And so I want you to have hope today that for those who've experienced divorce, man, that you receive hope, grace, healing, that you realize that God has a purpose for your life even when the family breaks.

Because when the family breaks, we may not be able to control what happened, but we are responsible for how we respond.

Turn with me to Romans chapter 12.

Romans 12 · chapter mention

Romans 12, verses 14 through 21 gives us a roadmap for how to live like Jesus.

Romans 12:14–21

Paul was actually writing to the early church in Rome, and he was breaking this chapter down in Romans 12 on how to interact with both people of the faith and people outside of the faith.

And so I think for us today, when we look at our context, we realize that this is a roadmap for us, even when life, especially family, doesn't seem fair.

This is a moment in Scripture where we realize this is more than just surviving brokenness.

It's about choosing healing, wholeness, and holiness on the other side of it.

And so we look at Romans chapter 12, verses 14 through 21.

Romans 12:14–21

We discover some of this framework.

This is what Paul wrote to the church at Rome.

He said, Bless those who persecute you.

Bless and do not curse them.

We could stop right there, probably pray out, talk through this dynamic, because I think this is a wrestling match in and of itself, right?

That God has called us to another layer of love to bless people and not curse them, even in our pain.

It says, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

Live in harmony with one another, do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.

Never be wise in your own sight.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God.

For it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.

To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him.

If he's thirsty, give him something to drink, for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head.

Verse 21 Do not overcome Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

See, Paul is giving us a framework here, and it's a framework for healing and for building character.

It's a framework that tells us that even when relationships are messy and painful or unfair, there's something beyond just the brokenness of our situations.

This passage it shows us how we can respond in the practical day-to-day life that we live.

For some of us in the room today, maybe your parent walked away.

Maybe your ex won't co-parent well with you, and it's just caused a lot of riff and problem.

Maybe your child won't talk to you.

Maybe your sibling betrayed you.

I want to stay, I want to say this today.

Um, this isn't about pretending that the pain didn't happen.

This is about choosing how to respond in a way that honors God.

So when we look at Romans chapter 12, I think that there's a few things that we can learn how to respond and what to do when the family breaks.

Romans 12 · chapter mention

Now, the first one is this we have to let go of the hurt.

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things you can do, not just for others, but for yourself.

Man, I remember at 15 years old wrestling through the pain of navigating what felt like a stable family had just fallen apart from what seemed like one week to the next.

I'll never forget sitting in the front row of the building that I'll sit on the front row to preach the first message at Heights Church.

And how cool is that?

And I remember sitting there and the head elder in my dad's church resigned for him because from one Sunday to the next, he never came back to the church.

And as you can imagine, I mean, like, I'm 15 and I'm angry.

I'm sitting there in what felt like a funeral service, going, God, how did this happen?

And what I realized along the way was that if I was gonna let bitterness take root in my life and I was gonna be begrudging towards my parents, and I was gonna live in that space that just was so full of rage and anger towards my family and what had happened, then I wasn't ever going to experience the fullness of God's purpose for my life because that bitterness would uproot it.

See, forgiveness, it's hard.

But forgiveness means letting go of the debt that someone owes you.

I felt like I was owed something in that moment.

And what I realized is that forgiveness wasn't me saying what you did was okay.

Forgiveness was saying you don't owe me anymore because I refuse to carry bitterness any longer.

See, there's a biblical command for us to forgive.

And this is hard.

It's hard for some of us because I've been through a lot.

My wife has been through a completely different set of circumstances, and if we went down the rows today, many of us have experienced extremely traumatic experiences in life.

But I want to tell you today, Jesus gives us a command to forgive.

But here's the thing it's not based upon what the other person did against us, it's based upon what Colossians 2.13 says, which is he forgave us of our sin.

So my forgiveness towards others is a direct reflection of the forgiveness I've been given in Christ.

Right?

Jesus in Matthew 18 tells Peter, he says, forgive 70 times seven.

And as a kid, I was like, that's like 490 times, right?

But it's not about a mathematical equation, it's about a perfected work that's been given to us by God the Father through Jesus, his son.

And because the forgiveness that we've received in Christ, now we're able to forgive.

That's the thing.

We forgive because we've been forgiven.

And look, that doesn't mean forgiveness is always quick and easy, especially when the wounds are deep.

Forgiveness is often an ongoing process or a daily decision to release, to let go, to heal.

There are times where even in my life now, 17 years removed from my parents' divorce, that I still have to choose to forgive.

Man, when we're at a birthday party for a relative, and I see my dad, my stepmom, and I see my mom, there are times where the thoughts run through my head and I can real quick snap back to the unforgiveness and bitterness, but I have to choose to live in forgiveness.

And I tend to believe that because of the grace that's been given to us, forgiveness is more a state of being instead of a state of doing.

It's more a state of God, because of the work that you've done in my life, I am going to be forgiving towards those who have wronged me.

See, we're commissioned and we're called to live in forgiveness.

Because living in forgiveness means living free.

When we hold on to offense, we often think we're punishing the other person.

You know, like we guard our hearts in such a way that we wall them off and we have unhealth in our heart, and so we say, I'll never forgive that person because they'll never have my, they'll never get that from me.

And the truth is that we're drinking our own poison.

I've heard it said literally, bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies.

But forgiveness is the antidote in our lives.

It's not just setting the other person free, it's setting yourself free.

Now, um, forgiveness is giving others the same grace that God has already given you.

Um in Romans 12 14, Paul takes this a step further.

He says, bless those who persecute you.

So hold on.

I'm supposed to bless people who are persecuting me.

I'm supposed to bless people who have hurt me.

Yeah, that's what the word says.

Paul takes forgiveness a step further.

He says, don't just not retaliate, go beyond that.

Bless them.

And here's what I found: that's the fruit of a heart that's been changed by grace.

That's the fruit of a heart that recognizes the depths of what Jesus has done for them, and in essence is willing to give that which has been given to us by Christ to others.

See, a heart that's been healed doesn't live in a cycle of cursing.

A heart that's been healed lives in a rhythm of blessing.

I'll say it like this, this is like real practical, but we live in like a bless your heart culture, right?

I'm back in the South for the first time in 10 years, guys.

I came from Phoenix, and I hear bless your heart more than I ever heard it in 10 years in Phoenix, Arizona, all right?

Because bless your heart, like look, some people are well-intentioned, alright?

But most of the time, bless your heart or bless their heart is kind of just passive aggressively, like you're an idiot, right?

Am I right?

See, a heart that's been healed doesn't have to talk bad about the person who hurt them.

It doesn't have to bless your heart them.

Right?

At the family barbecue.

Like you don't have to be like, oh, bless their heart.

They're just a little lost.

Right?

See, a heart that's been healed can speak about the person who hurt you without having to hurt that person's reputation.

Now hear me, hear me, okay?

Because forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

And the last thing I want you to hear me say today is that, oh man, I have to forgive and I have to just go right back into that place where I've been abused and I've been manipulated.

That's not what I'm saying.

Forgiveness is unconditional.

It's a command from Jesus himself.

But reconciliation is conditional.

Forgiveness is given freely, but access has to be earned.

Trust has to be earned.

There has to be repentance, and there has to be wisdom in re-entering into that type of relationship.

See, you can forgive someone without re-entering into a toxic or harmful relationship.

See, forgiveness is about releasing the offense.

Restoration is about rebuilding trust.

And that takes time, it takes repentance, and it takes wisdom.

See, forgiveness is saying, I'm going to extend the grace to someone else which has already been given to me in Christ Jesus.

It's a work of the heart, it's a merciful and wise transformation of our lives.

And it's how you lay down the weight of offense and you pick up the peace of Christ.

Because you realize that God has done more for me as an individual than I could have ever done for myself.

And because he was willing to love me at the lowest of points in my life and forgive me and go to the links that he did to send his one and only son to the cross, that his blood would be shed and his body broken, so that I could be redeemed and not punished for my sin.

When you understand the weight of that, man, you're able then to take that and extend it to other people.

So the first thing we have to do is we have to let go of the hurt.

The second thing we have to do is we have to keep healthy boundaries.

Man, this is um this is something that I've learned real time over the past five or six years of our lives.

Uh boundaries are important in your life.

Dr.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, they wrote a book called Boundaries, and I would recommend it to anyone.

Um this is his quote about boundaries.

He says, you are not responsible to others, but you are responsible for, oh, you are responsible to others, but you are not responsible for others.

I mean, consider this for a moment.

Boundaries are one of the most misunderstood ideas of relationships, especially for Christians.

But they're essential for healing and for wholeness, especially when we have a broken family.

What are boundaries?

Well, boundaries define where you end and someone else begins.

Boundaries clarify what you are and are not responsible for.

They make clear what you will and you will not allow in your life.

Very practically, um, in my life and in my wife's life, we've had to navigate boundaries.

And I'll I'll share some of the practical that we use in our life in our marriage in different respects.

But think of it like this um when my mom and dad divorced, my mom never remarried, my dad remarried my mom's best friend.

All right?

Yeah, that's as cringe as it sounds, all right?

Um, and there was a lot of like like hardship that came through the first like five, six years of their divorce.

Boundaries were at 16 years old, me explaining to my dad that he had made the decision to leave our family and remarry and that I would be spending Christmas with mom.

Does that make sense?

It wasn't that, dad, I don't love you, dad, I don't respect you.

It was dad, I'm I'm going to honor my mother because of the situation that has unfolded, and I'm going to choose to put myself in this environment because I can still love you and respect you without having to put myself in that environment.

Does that make sense?

See, boundaries are incredibly important, and they're not about punishment.

They're about clarity.

They protect your peace, they align your life with God's wisdom.

Um, Romans 12, 17 and then 19, it says, Don't repay anyone evil for evil.

Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.

Verse 19, do not take revenge, but leave room for God's wrath.

See, I think it's really easy in the brokenness of family, especially when you've experienced this kind of fallout, um, that we feel entitled to get even.

But scripture calls us to something higher.

It calls us not to manipulate, not to be passive-aggressive, uh, not to play the victim and then control other people, right?

Instead, it calls us to create boundaries that keep us from being pulled into toxic cycles.

See, forgiveness lets go of the offense, but boundaries keep it from happening again.

See, boundaries are an act of trust.

Trust that says God is just and good.

I mean, if I would have held resentment towards my family my entire life, I would have lived from a place that said, it's time for me to get even.

And if I would have done so, I would have essentially rendered that God was not just and righteous to handle the situation.

And see, for most of us today, we wrestle with that because we go, one, God, how could this happen to me in my life?

And because I don't understand why it happened, how can I trust you, Lord, that this is going to work together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose?

But can I tell you today that if you will trust God and you will allow these boundaries to take shape in your life, man, God is good and faithful.

Alright?

And beyond that, boundaries are an act of stewardship.

This is where it gets real hard.

Can I s can I peel back some layers this morning and just get like real vulnerable?

Um, I've had the tendency in my marriage to play the victim.

I have.

And what I realized in counseling was that a lot of it was because things had been done to me in my life that I couldn't control.

And so whenever I hit a roadblock, it was easier for me to just go, well, this is happening to me again, instead of me looking in the mirror and going, What am I responsible for in this situation?

See, the reason boundaries are important in marriage with our children, in our relationships, with our coworkers, boundaries are important for a Christian life, is because they actually help us to take responsibility of the things God's hit God's called us to take responsibility for.

In fact, um Galatians 6 outlines this.

Paul's writing to the early church at Galatia, and he says in verse 2, he says, bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

But then if you read down a few sentences, uh verse 5, it says this it says, for each will have to bear his own load.

See, there's this dynamic at play that we have to keep in proper tension and balance in our life that says, Yes, I am going to help you, my brother or sister in Christ, my spouse, my child.

I'm gonna bear the load with you, but I'm not gonna carry your whole life.

See, because there's a difference between helping someone carry a burden and then carrying their entire life for them.

If we're not careful, we'll pick up the load, a load that we were never meant to carry, and it'll crush us.

So I just want to set someone free today.

Sometimes saying no is the most loving thing that you can do.

Sometimes knowing your limit and your margin is the best thing that you can do as a Christian to say, I am going to make sure that I steward and am responsible for my disposition, my attitude, my behavior.

I'm gonna take responsibility for my part, and I'm gonna make sure that I take ownership, and then I'm gonna make sure that I don't take ownership of what you're carrying.

Uh, we were in marriage counseling and we were talking about uh the crazy cycle.

Anyone been married for more than five minutes?

You've been on the crazy cycle, okay?

Um our our pastor at the time, he was my uncle, and he was telling us, he's like, it doesn't matter if Felicia's 90% crazy and Seth, you're 10% crazy, because you're still 100% crazy, all right?

And it's true because I think sometimes in in these like boundary conversations, we want to believe that we don't have that much of a part to play in the issue.

And so we fail to take the responsibility that God's called us to take.

But in reality, we have to take ownership of our own boundaries, and we have to actually, as parents, set boundaries for our children.

You want to hear some of the practicals uh we have in our lives?

Um uh for my wife and I, uh like we filter our TV and movie content uh through a service called Vid Angel.

Quick plug,$9.99 a month, change your life, all right?

Um put me as a referral.

No, I'm just kidding.

Um But but like this software for us, uh, we love to watch TV together.

Um, it's just something we'll do to unwind and hang out at night.

Uh, but we started to get to a point where we realized, like, hey, some of the stuff that comes through these shows that we like, um, man, it's just not healthy for us.

And so we had stopped watching a lot of different shows over the years, and then we found Vid Angel, and this service will literally clip it out real time.

It's incredible.

So now we can watch Yellowstone.

Praise God.

All right, here we go.

That's it, that's a boundary example.

Um, for me in my life, um I struggled with coping uh in lust with pornography as a teenager.

And so when I got into my marriage and I realized that I was wrestling and struggling, um I actually approached my wife and I said, Hey, I'm gonna set some I'm gonna set some boundaries for myself proactively.

So here's the screen time passcode to my phone, and I want you to basically lock me out of my phone.

And some people are like, dude, that's crazy and extreme.

But for me, it was just like, hey, I'm I'm not as a pastor and a leader and someone who represents Jesus to his church.

I'm not gonna let, I'm not gonna let certain things um be an issue.

I'm just gonna set a healthier boundary for me.

And so I just told my wife, hey, um, set a code I don't know, and anytime I want to download an app or anything like that, um, I have to ask her to help me, and it's awesome.

Um, that's a boundary for me.

Uh we have an open phone policy.

We have since we were dating, it was like, hey, you can look through my phone at any time.

Maybe one time in our marriage have we ever exercised it, but we know unspoken and spoken, like, hey, if if you feel like you need to look at my phone, um, do it.

I'm good with that.

And that's just a boundary we have with our kids.

Uh, we have five kids.

Um, how many of you know groceries are like a second mortgage, all right?

Um, I can't afford uh, you know, four grand a month in groceries because no one can in the world, right?

And so we have boundaries with our kiddos.

It's like, hey, uh you guys, um like we're gonna feed you, okay?

We're gonna make sure you have plenty of food.

Um but let's let's set a boundary that says, hey, you can have two snacks a day.

So we'll even let them choose their snack, run wild, all right?

Um, but we set boundaries on on how they engage with that.

Why?

Because it's healthier for them to learn responsibility and it's healthier for our budget.

Can I get an amen, right?

Um we do like approved TV content for them.

Uh a few years back, we ran into an issue with one of our um our family members, and they had been exposed to something on TV that they should have never been exposed to at like five years old.

And um, it was a really hard conversation.

My wife handled it um head on, and I was so proud as her husband to see her navigate through that with a family member.

Um, but what we decided is like, hey, we're gonna bite the bullet and get a subscription to a faith-based TV show and content, and then we'll share that login with the whole family.

Why?

Because it's a boundary.

So it was let it wasn't even enforcing on our family our convictions and making them engage in it.

We were like, we'll pay for it and you can use it, right?

But it's a boundary.

And so, look, I want us to see today like these aren't rules for everyone, but they reflect our convictions and our responsibility before God.

And so we said to ourselves, if we're gonna be pure and we're gonna be holy before God and one another in covenant, and we're gonna raise kids who are discipled and they learn to manage and steward responsibility, we need to set some boundaries in place that will help us cultivate that life.

See, boundaries aren't limiting, they're liberating.

You know, boundaries, I think we think of them and we go, oh, they're so restrictive, but the truth is they're freeing.

They enable our soul to function like an estate that has a properly working gate on it.

Think about it.

You live in a in a very wealthy home.

Just imagine for a moment, you're in that mansion right over the looking the river out here, all right?

And you're you're like, I gotta protect this asset.

So I need a gate that keeps the good stuff in and keeps the bad stuff out.

And that's how boundaries work.

Because your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

You are the most valuable asset.

You carry the Holy Spirit inside you.

And if that's the case, we have to have boundaries that help nurture and protect that asset and keep the good in and keep the bad out.

Right?

So boundaries don't build walls to keep people out, they build structure so we can live whole, responsible, and God-honoring lives.

Boundaries are about taking responsibility.

So first we have to let go of the hurt.

Secondly, we have to keep healthy boundaries, and then third, we have to choose to do what's right.

Romans 12, 21.

Um, man, this verse just jumped out at me in study.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

See, when the family breaks, it's easy to feel powerless, like everything is out of your control.

And honestly, sometimes it is.

Um you can't control what others choose.

You can't rewrite the story that's already happened in your life.

But let me tell you what we can do.

We can choose how we show up every day.

We can choose how we take responsibility every day.

And so when Paul writes in Romans 12, 21 and he says, overcome evil with good, he's not talking like um surface level positivity.

Like you just need to be good to them.

What Paul is writing and saying is, he's saying you need to overcome evil with good.

And that word good actually means the nature of God Himself.

So we overcome evil by reflecting the transformation that's taken place on the inside of our lives because of our encounter with Jesus.

I mean, man, you want to talk about overcoming obstacle in your life.

Come to the place where you recognize that God has saved you from eternity in hell.

Hey, I know you've been talking about it, so I know I can say it.

And you think about what God has done for you.

That we didn't deserve anything at all that we've been given.

Yet He chose to meet us with His grace in our brokenness.

And through us believing in Him and trusting in Him and saying, God, I'll make you the Lord of my life, He gives us His grace, which is His unmerited favor, that which we don't deserve, this empowerment from God that makes us new, transforms our lives.

The Bible says that when we're buried in baptism, the old is gone, the new man has come.

We are not made better, we're made new.

And so these patterns, this brokenness, this evil that we experience in our life at times, that's just so traumatic and so like hard to navigate through, we can overcome it, but we overcome it through the goodness of God.

Man, I'll never forget.

Um I'll never forget, 19 years old.

I was sitting down at the uh the table, drinking a cup of coffee with a gentleman.

I lived with he and his wife uh for a season after moving out of my mom's house.

And, you know, for some reason or another, he was just one of those voices in my life that tended to be a mentor, would give direction.

And I'll never forget, he sat down with me and he's like, hey, let's talk about your father.

And uh, and I'm like, okay, you know, this is kind of weird, you know, over coffee in the morning, but one of the things that he said to me that day, I'll never forget.

He said, Don't build your life trying not to become your father.

Because all it'll do is it'll move you closer to that direction.

Because what you're aimed at is what you'll become.

And I remember reconciling in my mind, like, yeah, I think some of the principles in my life that I've been trying to build upon have just been aimed at not doing what he did to my mom, to my family in the church.

And I've been trying to become someone who didn't look like him instead of focusing my capacity on becoming more like Jesus.

See, because when I stopped living trying not to become better than someone, and I started living to become more like Jesus, everything in my life changed.

Everything.

And here's what I've learned: you don't break generational cycles by living not to become someone else.

You break generational cycles by living with purpose through the power of the Holy Spirit.

It's only through what you receive in Christ that enables us to live the principled life that Paul is urging us to live here.

When he's saying, Hey, bless those who hurt you, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably.

Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

We read these words and we go, like, man, this sounds amazing, but really experiencing that in your life, that love, that peace, that goodness, it means that we've built a life choosing to become more like Christ, not choosing to become opposite of what we've encountered.

And man, I think someone needs to know that today.

This isn't about performance, it's about partnership with the Holy Spirit.

Choosing to do what's right, man, it's choosing to say, God, I recognize how broken I am, and I recognize how far I can be from you in a moment's notice because I'm a human.

But because of the grace that you've extended to me, because of what you've done for me at the cross, because there's an empty tomb, and because I have faith enough to believe you at your word, I have received a grace that empowers me to be more like you in the situations that I've faced.

And yes, I may have come from brokenness, and yes, I may have experienced trauma, and yes, I may have to wrestle through some of this, and it's still an active work in my life, but because of who you are, I can overcome.

See, choosing to do the right thing isn't a proving ground to show we're better than the people who hurt us.

If our goal is only to not become them, we're aiming too low.

God didn't call us to avoid dysfunction, he called us to build a life of purpose.

So hear me, whether you were the one who was left or the one who walked away, or you were the child who was caught in between, you still get to decide what kind of life you're gonna build.

You can still show up today and tomorrow in the day after and choose to lean into the power of the Holy Spirit at work in your life.

As Romans 12 1 says, not be conformed to the things of this world.

Don't follow the patterns and the customs.

Are you kidding me?

Don't let culture tell you that you should burn that bridge.

Man, don't let this world tell you that you're justified to not extend the love of Jesus.

Man, God didn't do that to us.

And I don't know who needs to hear it today.

Um being a being a doormat and being a bridge sometimes feel like the same thing.

I remember God working in my heart about this concept.

And hear me, this is a little nuanced because there are some boundary things that you have to keep in context here.

And I hope I'm not going too deep or too wide, but I just feel like someone needs to hear it today.

Some of us refuse to be a doormat.

And we refuse to be forgiving.

And we refuse to overcome evil with good because the goodness of God, we don't feel like it's justifiable in that person's life who hurt us.

And so we say, I'll never be a doormat.

And sometimes I think God's like, I don't need you to be a doormat, but I do need you to be a bridge.

And maybe what feels like being walked on is more so just a pathway for them to experience grace that you've received as well.

And I don't know who needs to hear it, but man, don't operate with proper boundaries, but don't let your life become so cold and so numb to the people who have hurt you that you refuse to see them through the same lens that Jesus sees you through.

Because if we if we do that and we refuse to be that bridge to somebody else, oftentimes it can be the difference in them experiencing love that could really transform their life.

And remember when I said it doesn't have to be reconciliation to its fullest degree.

But maybe sometimes that forgiveness is just the pathway to them experiencing the grace that you've been given in Christ Jesus.

I'll close with this.

What if your greatest witness isn't how you handle success, but how you endure disappointment?

What if the greatest witness you can be to others, especially in the fallout of your family, is the way that you respond with grace and love in Christ Jesus, in the greatest disappointments that you faced.

Because here's the thing: we can't change our past, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can co-labor with Christ to shape our future.

And when the family breaks, God gives us the power to respond in love, live with wisdom, and walk in freedom.

And it can start by letting go of the hurt, keeping healthy boundaries, and choosing to do what's right.

Amen.

Can I pray?

Father, thank you.

Thank you for your love and your faithfulness.

Thank you for sending Jesus.

God, if there's anything that we do today, even in partaking in communion, being here in the room and worship before you, God, let it be to recognize the depth and the width, the height that your love extends for us, God.

And in doing so, Lord, being motivated to reflect it, God, that when we encounter you and we experience your goodness, God, that in that we're able, Father, in turn, to show others what it looks like to live a life that's been transformed by grace.

And that grace extended to others, God, being the difference and helping them learn and grow and understand who you are as well, Lord.

God, I pray for those under the sound of my voice this morning who may be experiencing the fallout of a broken family.

Maybe they're in the thick of it right now, God.

I pray for your hand of peace that surpasses all understanding to be a safeguard to their hearts and minds.

Holy Spirit, I pray that as they experience what they're experiencing, they wouldn't have a tendency to move away from you, but God, that they would lean into you.

And as they draw near to you, God, your word promises that you draw near to them.

God, what a beautiful blessing it is to have a God who meets us at that point of need.

Help us to experience that, Jesus.

Thank you, Lord.

If you're here this morning and you know, you're hearing this message and you're saying to yourself, yeah, I've experienced some things in my life and I've had some trauma and you know, I've had to navigate through brokenness.

But the truth is that I'm at this space in my life where I've never actually, I've never actually asked Jesus to be the Lord in my life.

Um to be honest, you hear maybe a message about grace and you go, man, I would love to experience that, and I would love to reflect that, and I would love for the people in my life to know the love of God, but I think I I'm in a place right now where I've never really reconciled my life before God.

I want to offer you the opportunity, really the invitation to make Jesus the Lord of your life.

Here's what I love about our God.

He sent his son and he modeled it so well for us.

Jesus would approach the disciples and he would say, Come and follow me.

And you know, the same invitation is there for you today to follow Jesus.

And here's what it requires.

The Bible says that if you believe in your heart and you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, then you will be saved.

Now, this confession, it's more than just like surface level.

It's more than just knowledge in your mind or an emotion that you feel in a moment.

This is a commitment, it's a covenant before God that says, God, I'm choosing to make you the Lord of my life.

And that faith justifies us before God because Jesus gives us his grace.

What a beautiful blessing that we've been given in Jesus, that although we didn't deserve it, he would allow us to come unto him and say, Jesus, be the Lord of my life.

Forgive me, and he does.

And so if you're here today and you've never made that decision, and you're here and you're going, like, man, I know that my life isn't right with the Lord, and I know that in this moment God's speaking to me, I can feel it.

I can feel it in this moment that I know this is the decision for me to make, then what I want to do is I want to ask you on the count of three just to raise your hand.

And I want you to just acknowledge that and say, I know I need to make Jesus the Lord of my life, and I want to lead you through a prayer of salvation today, Church.

So if that's you on the count of three, one, two, three, if you're here and you're like, I need to make my life right before God, come on, that's awesome.

Is there anyone else who says that's me?

I know today I need to make my life right with Jesus.

Church, can we support, um, can we support this one who's raised their hand today?

Can we say this prayer together out loud?

Say, Jesus, I want you.

I need you in my life.

I'm asking you now to save me from my sin, from myself, make me new.

Teach me to live like you, teach me to love like you.

Help me to walk with you all the days of my life.

It's in Jesus' name I pray.

Amen.

Can we put our hands together and celebrate with this one who's made the decision to make Jesus Lord of their life?

Come on.

We're gonna worship together, church.

Thank you so much.

Let's go.