Through The Eyes of a Millennial, Dating | Rev. Terry K. Anderson

Welcome to Through the Eyes of a Millennial, a special podcast series created for our young

adult ministry as they begin to navigate new, important, and uncharted chapters of their

life. Throughout this series, we'll explore some of the big changes that might be taking

place in your life, from navigating college life to dating, the New Age church, and living

in the world. Learn how your relationship with God will grow and evolve as you experience

these milestones in your life. We are back with Kayla Capels and Taylor Scott with a very

interesting, insightful topic that I'm sure everybody's going to be interested in. We

are talking now about dating. Let me look at one or two things and then we'll get your

questions from you. This is far under my generation. I was mentioning a moment ago

that the silent generation, the greatest generation, the baby boomers, the Gen Xs, the millennials,

I mean that baby boom generation where you went to somebody's house to date them. You

picked them up, you didn't blow the horn, you went and rang the bell and met their

father and you asked permission to take their daughter out and he may or may not have given

you permission. My sister, when both my sisters started dating, it was during the time of

Afros. Oh wow. And so my sister's boyfriend came to the house and he had an Afro that

was way out here and my daddy came in the house and my daddy said, son take your hat

off in my house please. And my sister said, no, that's not a hat, it's an Afro. And my

daddy didn't hear well, he said, he in the Air Force. She said, no, that's an Afro.

You said, okay son, well, if you're going to see her, you got to cut your hat before

you come back over here. So the next time he came back to the house, his head looked

like my head looked right now because you want to take her out. That's the generation

I come from. But now you don't have to leave the house, you don't have to do all of that

holding hands and nobody got to go with you to the movies. It's an online situation. You

just meet them online or meet her online and this in your picture that may or may not be

the picture that they really are. Catfishers are real out there. Talk to me about that.

I've heard that word catfish and what does that mean? So a catfish is... To somebody

in my generation, a catfish is a... You eat it at Papa Doe. What is a catfish? To a millennial,

a catfish is when someone would probably go on Google and just type in like a fine black

man and like a celebrity would pop up or somebody that you don't even know and then

they'll put that as their dating profile picture. And so just to get attraction because that's

the first day you see when you're online dating and then you go meet up with them, let's say

Papa Doe and he don't look like that. So you're like, okay, so this catfish, they had a whole

show about that too. Like people would be sending money to them and this one girl, she

thought she was like dating Lil Bow Wow and turns out it was not Bow Wow. Like it was

somebody... Wolf, wolf. Yes. Like the total opposite. So... What do you do when that happens?

You drop them like yesterday's newspaper or you throw them back like a small bass?

I've never had that happen to me before. But yes. Never been catfish. Have you? Yes.

Oh my God, Taylor, really? Yes. You have to talk about that. Talk about that. Yeah, yeah.

So I was catfish in pastor while the term is called catfish because it's to catch a

dating fish or like so catfish. So I was talking to this guy on Instagram and we...

You know, exchange numbers, we FaceTimed a few times, but I was always wondering why

when we FaceTimed, it was only in one part of his house. Like and I didn't really see

his neck or anything, but I had a few prints that vouched for him. So I was like, okay,

you know, I'll go on the date. So I go to the date and I arrived earlier than him because

I was like, you know, if he comes, I can see him and if he's not him, I can leave. So anyways,

he talked himself up. He was like, yeah, you know, I'm about six foot and you know, I'm

a tall girl, like I'm five, 10. So six foot is still a little bit questionable. So he

was this bodybuilder kind of guy. So I was like, okay, well, he'll be all right. He got

the muscles and everything. So I'm sitting in the restaurant. He tells me what he has

on and that he's walking in. And I didn't tell him what I was wearing either. So he walks

up, walks in the restaurant and it was one of those places where you can see the people

that walk in. So I'm texting my girlfriends. I'm like, girl, I think this is him, but I

don't think it's him. That man was five, six. I said, no, I have to go. I love him. I love

him. I feel so bad, but it was he catfished me. He catfished me with his height. He looked

the same, but he really wasn't. Right. He wanted to know more inches. So that didn't

work out. So he was a minnow instead of a catfish.

Yes. So you took, you had a time on your point of time in your life where you were single.

Did you ever try online dating? No, no, no, well, I'm, I'm, because I'm not good with

social media. I'm not good with computers. The only thing I do on the computer is solid

there. Really? Because I don't, I've never done online dating because I just, I'm just,

I was just not my, I didn't come from that era. And I know, you know, people my age do

that because I see these commercials on television where the, where the older people look online

and the lady say how good he looks and it's a bounty commercial, but it's still online,

online dating. Right. But I've never done that because I've never been interested. I don't

like surprises. Right. Like, like Taylor was surprised at the restaurant. It was so surprising.

It was bad. But I think that oddly enough, that didn't deter me from like not trying

online dating again. I think pandemic, the pandemic rolling in really encouraged people

that were used to meeting people socially, like in person to try online. And I have a

lot of friends who like met their husbands on the internet like Fumble and Hinge, no

free promo though. You know, through those websites, but it's interesting you say that

because even my parents, like they met in college and still to this day, my mom and

my dad, like they don't FaceTime, like they don't text on the phone, like they just call

each other. My dad's like, why do I need to FaceTime her? You know, it's interesting

because we thrive on those things. Like the first thing for me now is like, if I get your

number online, I'm going to FaceTime you and I might need to talk to you like three or

four more times on the phone and then meet with you in a public setting. Yes. And that's

good. Yeah. Public setting because nowadays these men want us to come to their house.

I'm not going to your house. You're going to take me out and you're going to plan it

and then you're going to pay for it. Talk. And then if I like you, then I'll follow up

and let you know. But if I don't, then I'm going to follow up and let you know. So that's

just the point where I am with dating right now. Okay. So if you, if you don't like him

here and he's still paying for the food or you pay for your own food. Oh no, he's paying

for it. I think chivalry is important, but that also sort of reminds me like of how sometimes

dating as a Christian can be difficult, right? Very difficult. Because I know for me with

online now on the profiles, you can kind of like put your religion, like all these different

things, right? And they don't match up to it. Right. Or much like pass Edison said today,

like people say they're spiritual, but they're not religious. Yes. So like dating people

and having to sort of set those boundaries or set those intentions as far as like, okay,

well, if you date me, like this is what I do on Sunday. Like I go to church on Sundays

or we might not be crossing these sort of lines and horizontal fellowship. That's right.

That's always taught us that term. As soon as they might expect it because you know,

it's a challenge being a young woman and wanting to date with intent and sometimes finding

a good looking Christian man that wants to do the same thing. So like, where are they?

Well, I will say this. I have tried online and it's not for me because I feel like it

puts too much pressure on me. Like I feel like it's more, I can't just talk to multiple

people at one time and I feel like that's what online brings up. The type of person is

very intentional. So I have tried online and it's not for me. And so I just hope to meet

them just randomly walking Lily girl because I don't want to leave my church. But I mean,

I know people that kind of like more introverts, they like being online because they can easily

talk to people. But like for a more outgoing person like me, I think it'll be easier if

I meet someone. You know, I'll know. What happens if if if you meet someone he's attractive

and he meets your height requirements and he meets your kind of dress requirements,

but he calls himself a Hebrew Israelite or he calls himself a Muslim or he calls himself

a one of the nuns and none in or any if he doesn't have any relationship with God, he

doesn't believe in God, he doesn't believe in church. And you know, online you've met

him or in a restaurant or you've dated several times. How do you get out of that or how do

you navigate that not get out of it but navigate it because eventually you're going to get

out of it. I suspect I'm hoping I'm praying. But you know, the heart has a mind of its own.

And you might be down the road before you find out, you know, this is not really what

it's cracked up to be because people present themselves to be one thing when they're really

something else. Right. I would say that five years ago, Kayla would have not considered

breaking up with him because my relationship with God was not where it was. But today,

Kayla wants a man who has a true relationship with God because I feel like a marriage without

that would not work. And that's what I'm praying for and that's what I'm pushing myself towards

to date intentionally. And so it's like, I don't want to be married to somebody that

I'm praying like I'm down praying on my knees and he just out doing something else. Like

I want us to come together and fellowship because that's what God wants. You know, I

also feel like in marriage, Satan attacks you more because you're under God's covenant.

And so I know that you can be a believer and then your husband can fall out or he may not

be a believer and you can pray for him and get him to that point. But I feel like I knowing

where I am now would need someone to help guide me and be alongside with me with that.

Hmm. I would, I would have to say like I could be very honest because I did that before.

I dated someone for a long time that didn't necessarily identify with Christianity. And

in the beginning, like you said, love can be blind and it can be blinded by a lot of

different things. It really didn't matter to me. But if I was being honest, it took me

away from God a lot because I became so consumed and wanting to learn more about what he was

doing and what he was believing in that I didn't really recognize like how far that

was taking me away from my moral compass. Right. And it was sort of frustrating toward

the end because I started to realize that first of all, the younger me felt like I could

save the world. Like I felt like part of my, part of my duty as a Christian was like to

evangelize even though I was evangelizing to friends. I thought I could evangelize to

the boy that I was so crazy about. But like that, that just wasn't going to work. So anyway,

it, it, it took me, if I'm being quite honest, it took me very far away from God. And I started

to think like maybe it could work, which was sort of the devil praying on me saying like,

okay, well, I know how to take you away from, you know, your strength away from your source,

you know, and I had to sort of come back to my senses and realize like, okay, Taylor,

this is, this is not it. And no matter how hard I try to do what I'm doing, I, a lot

of times felt like what I was doing to him was silly, you know, because he would sort

of make fun of or it would always be a conflict with like our conversation when my faith came

up versus his and like what I believed in. And I remember we were pretty committed for

a while and the topic did come up, you know, moving that further. And of course, like my

parents didn't know nothing about that. So it came up and he was just like, well, we

will want them to believe whatever, whatever they come to believe. And you said that today,

that's such an ignorant thing to be able to say because as children, we need that guidance.

And the older I get, the more I do understand like why it was important for me to, you know,

be your dad that I need to get up and go to church or why couldn't go spend a night at

one of my friend's house on Saturdays? Yeah, because I needed to have that foundation.

And I think that because that sort of dating experience for me was so impactful in the

way that I began to view like partnerships and not just like falling for the surface,

right? Like he's tall, he's fine, he's cute, but like, what does he believe in? Like, will

this man be able to be ahead of household for me? Like, will I be able to pray with

my husband when things get hard? Like, I can look at you and tell you you're cute all day.

But like, can you pray for me? Do you have substance? Right. Do you have substance? What's

beyond that? You know, like, can I take you to church and like, you won't think that it's

weird that I'm standing up or I need to, you know, go to God and pray for something. So

I think that that those experience sort of like shape the way that I view dating now

versus how I viewed it. Like when I was younger, because younger, you just wanted to have fun.

Yeah, I just wanted somebody cute and a little boyfriend. And I think that's why now it's

a little bit difficult, too, because I'm a lot more picky. I'm a lot more selective.

I understand. Some of my friends, they're a little bit too high. But I mean, like, it's

okay because I know that I'm God's child and whatever he has for me will be for me. Right?

And you know your value. Yes. You know what you're worth. Because usually you don't change

them. They change you, right? Because you're trying so hard to accommodate and you're saying,

well, maybe if I've been in this area, he will come over on this area. But it's like

manure and ice cream. That ice cream ain't gonna do nothing to that manure. But that

manure will mess up the ice cream. And so you have to be careful in those areas. What

questions you got for me when it comes to in my limited experience with dating?

Okay. Oh, the first one would be, how can you trust God with your love story? How can

you trust God with your love? So that's a that's a good, powerful question. God, who

is the embodiment of love and God, who has given us love and intimacy and sex and the

beauty of that experience. That's a that's a gift from God. So when it comes to your

love story, when it comes to who your life partner is going to be, again, God does not

plan it for us, I don't think, but he knows the plan for us because he knows everything.

And when you when we pray, God steers us towards the person that he that is best for us. Because

you know, nobody's going to be perfect because you're not I'm not. But God will steer us in

the direction of the person that he wants us to be guided to. He saw we see in the Old

Testament that when Isaac got ready to get a wife, Abraham said, go get this woman over

here. When when Jacob got ready to get a wife, all they chose mates for them. I'm kind of

to that point, why I'm about to choose a mate. Because, you know, the two of you have trained

yourself to think you have been to college, you have you have you've gotten careers. And

it is almost not almost, but it's very difficult for you to find somebody on your level. Yes,

to find somebody on your intellectual level, to find somebody on your spiritual level.

And and and don't ever lower your standards because you want to be, you know, accepting

of anybody because I heard this growing up as a child and and and it was ingrained in

us. And it was my parents mid well and everybody I was raised with their parents mid well.

But I think they taught us wrong by saying, you're not any more than anybody else. They

say, you know, don't look down on anybody, you're no more than anybody. That's one thing.

But you are more than this person who is ignorant and doesn't know anything. And you can't bring

him. That's not even talk about bringing him home. You can't bring him to your friends.

Because you know, you cannot introduce him to nobody you went to school with because

he talked about what's up. And here you try to hold an intelligent conversation. You got

to tell him to pull his pants up. And you got to open your mouth when you're talking,

don't eat with your head on and pull the chair out for me to sit down, open the door for

me to walk in. That's that's beneath your value. And so God, God, God has a standard

for us and the standard that God has for us, he's not hiding it from us. It's in his word.

We not unequally you're with an unbeliever. You're not going to change them. They're eventually

going to change you. Two cannot walk together except they be agreed. And it's difficult

to find that person because and I'm sure they're out there, but you can't look for

love in the wrong places. Right. You can't you can't, you know, the online dating scene

is one thing and then the club scene is one thing. And then, you know, even at the church,

they're fooling you into believing that they one thing. They sure will. They'll catfish

you in your Sunday school class. Right. But you still have to trust God. It's a matter

of faith. I talked about it in the opening of the doors of the church. This man was holding

on to this branch and God said, just let go. And the man says, anybody else up there? Well,

you just have to let go. And I don't like using this phrase as a so overused, let go

and let God. And that doesn't mean, you know, God, you have intelligence, you have free

will and God is not going to violate your free will. Whenever choices you make, God is

not going to violate that choice, but it may not be God's best for you. And so you have

to you have to use discernment and ask God to give you a spirit of discernment. And then

once, once you are sure of yourself, once you have spent some time with yourself, then

you know what you want. You know what you have to, and it may not be perfect. It may

not be. And when I say perfect, I mean, it may not be, you know, you could be six feet

and you five, 10, maybe you not went on heels and that way y'all can get along. But if you're

not with that, if you're not with that, then keep on searching till you find it has a bright

side somewhere. I really like how you said though, Pastor, like spending time with ourselves

first and ensure of ourselves before that sort of endeavors taken to say, okay, now

I feel like I'm ready to find somebody else because I mean, culturally, for me, I was

taught like a good man find you, you know, like we as women shouldn't be going out there

searching for it. So that's why like guilty online dating was sort of like, okay, because

I would kind of put it myself out there, right. But even beyond that, I think it's very, very,

very important to spend that time with self first, first as a young woman and a believer

because sometimes in those times, God will be able to show us I know from my own experience

like where I needed to grow with him first in order to be made into a woman that can

compliment a man, you know, men don't complete us. But you know, we brought together as two

whole, healed individual to become one under God's union. So I believe like in dating with

intentionality, that's also important to make sure that my spiritual walk is in a space where

I know I'm strong with God, I'm content with who he'll be able to send me when that timing

is right. Because a lot of my mistakes in all reality have happened because I went ahead

of his time. Right. You know, so I want to touch on that a little bit. Let me tell you

what my guilty pleasure used to be about three years ago. I will go down in the DM. Do you

know what that means? It means that yes, I got but I will see a cute guy on Instagram

and I'd be like, Oh, he's cute. Let me just go put some peep and I emojis in his DM. And

let's go talk to him. And then I'm talking to him. I'm going on a date with them. And

I'm like, Oh, I'm not like, we don't want the same things. So it took for me to be like,

Okay, let me step back and let me really trust God with my love story. Because I'm like,

I want to get married. I want to have kids. Time is a ticket. And I'm praying. I'm like,

Oh, where is he? And you're not like, I'm not seeing him anywhere. And so I'm like,

you know, let me just go ahead and do it myself. Let me go DM this guy and God's like,

that's not him. And it brings me right back to where I am. So now I just step back and

I don't do that anymore. Praise God. Working on myself, you know, but, but I, we all allow

some guilty pleasure. Right, right. But one thing that I learned and I listened to you

a lot is the fact that I can't do it on my own. And that's also with love and your love

story. Because I watched YouTube videos so much about God writes my love story and I

hear all these wonderful great stories. And I'm like, Okay, God is doing it for those

people. It'll eventually be my time. But I have to be patient. And that is so hard sometimes.

Right. But it is a great thing. Because I'm like, I'm seeing all the things he's doing

in my life before he comes. And I know that when he comes, my life is going to change.

I'm going to be a wife. I'm going to eventually be a mother. My relationship with God may not

look like I'm waking up in the morning before work, having time with him is going to look

so different. So I tell myself all the time, I need to enjoy my time with God right now

before that season comes. But I'm also like, God, can you hurry up? What's the tracking

number? Give me another one. What's your other question? Okay, so I'd like to ask you a question

past. What type of boundaries can you put in your relationship to avoid sexual temptations?

I think you can speak on that from telling the young single people. You know, we were

like, some of us a little hot bothersome. And we're not in the covenant. Yeah, you know,

so we need some help right here. The boundaries that you can set. Because you're young women,

you mentioned that you don't want to go find him a good man with fine you. What's wrong

with you finding him? I just told you I'm finding him like chasing. But I think if you're

saying putting myself in position to be seen, I think that that can be that can be something

I do. But in the right. Yeah. So let's get to this sex situation. I don't God does not

give us that gift and then turn it off. Yes, you cannot because you are sexual. We I am

sexual you are sexual. A woman wants to be sexual with a man. A man wants to be sexual

with a woman. But when it comes to relationship and boundaries in those relationships, particularly

in the dating relationship, you don't you don't want to join yourself to a person that

you may not have intentions of being with. Because you know, like you say, you get hot

and bothered. And you want to really say, Hey, listen, let's quit all the preliminaries.

We got to have a no dairy queen and all that. Let's let's just get with it. And and you

know, just like a man wants, you know, to just go meet a woman and have sex. There are

times when a woman just wants to meet a man to have sex. You just don't want, you know,

I don't want a relationship. I don't want to know your mama. I don't want to go. I don't

know how many children you got. Let's let's let's just let's just kiss and say goodbye.

But those things that happens in in your Christian experience. And as a Christian, you want to

you want to make sure that that the boundaries are set. And sometimes you cross the line.

Sometimes you go over the over the line, but you want to make sure you don't go over the

cliff. By that, I mean, God who loves us and God who has given us the gift of sex and given

us the gift of intimacy and a woman wanting to be sexually involved with a man or man

wanting to be sexually involved with a woman. The sexual temptation is always going to be

there because you're not 80 years old. Right. I remember my grandfather came to live with

us when he got to be old and sick and couldn't take care of himself. He came to live with

us. And me and my brother Johnny were in the room with him. And we would always just be

joking around and having fun with him. And so I asked him one day, his name was Edmond

LaFleur, but he was real light skinned. So his nickname was red. Everybody called him

red LaFleur. And we called him his grandchildren called him Daddy Red. I said, Daddy Red,

how old you got to be before you don't want to be with a woman? He said, you got to ask

somebody older than me. I don't know what to do with him. And I still want to see it.

So God doesn't take that gift away from us because, you know, we are single. So there

are times when you, when you cross the line, but you need to make sure that you come back

to your senses, come back to your, in the boundaries of truth and respectfulness. And

let me say this, this happened, this actually happened. Barack Obama was going to church

at Alfred Street where Dr. Howard John Wesley is the pastor. And when he would go, the secret

servers would come and they would put all these metal detectors and all of these. They

had to search women's purses and make sure that nobody had a knife or a gun or anything

like that. So the times that President Obama would go, they would not announce that he

was coming because they didn't want thousands of people lined up to get in the church. But

when he did go, the secret servers checked women's purses and men's wallets and everything.

And so the pastor said that after some time, after President Obama left, he said there

would be pistols and vibrators. And he said he'd have to make an announcement at the

church. He said, I have some items here in my office. And he said nobody claimed him.

Nobody would declaim him. So maybe you know, he might need Jerome or whatever you call

him, you know, so from time to time. No, you know, Jerome, you need to be your friend.

And I'm not saying that, you know, saying that I'm saying, you know, you need to know

where the where the boundaries are. And you know how to come back. Yeah. If we confess

our sin, he's faithful and just to forgive us. I'm not, I'm not advocating sex before

marriage. But it happens. It ain't no sense in beating around the bush and said it doesn't

happen. It happens. It does happen. I mean, it's a temptation. And the strongest urge

other than the strongest power to an individual other than the power of the Holy Spirit is

a sexual urge. And that's a natural proclivity. That's very natural. As powerful as that natural

urge is, the overpowering nature of the Holy Spirit can help us to control that. But we

don't always ask for his help. We don't always want him to help us. And he, he'll come to

aid us in the time of need. But then usually we wait until afterwards and say, Holy Ghost,

I need you to forgive me of my sins. He'll open up a couple doors and I'll be like, let

me shut all of these. Cleanse me from all of them.

But we are, we are able to navigate those waters and God in his mercy and in his grace

covers us. He protects us because we could be way out on a limb, being really, really,

really, way out there on a limb. But the, but the urge does not go away because you're

a Christian, you know, you have the same urge as the sinner does. You have the same sexual

drive. You have the same sexual energy sometimes more so because you're keeping yourself.

And that, that can be a pent up kind of emotion. Yes. Dangerous. Yes. But just so it does not

become a dangerous kind of emotion where you just, you know, go all out of bounds and dance

it on the pole and all that stuff. Yeah, we don't want to do all of that. That's it.

Thank you for listening to Through the Eyes of a Millennial. Through the Eyes of a Millennial

is proudly presented by Lily Grove Global Ministries. We invite you to learn more about

Lily Grove's Young Adult Ministry by visiting lilegrove.org. For weekly sermons and teachings,

subscribe to the Call to Joy podcast available everywhere you listen to podcasts. Thank you

again for joining us. God bless you and we'll see you at Lily Grove.