VIA | DATING | It's Not Me, It's You | Clayton Heath

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Well, welcome to Via.

It is so nice to see you.

Happy Thursday, people.

You know the drill.

I want you to look at somebody, I don't care if you've never met them or you've never seen them, in front, beside, behind, and beside, and say, I'm so glad to be a Via with you.

I'm so glad to be a Via with you.

Happy Thursday.

Hey, listen, if we haven't met, my name is Clayton, and I have the privilege of being a part of our um team here at Silverdog Young Adults.

And uh tonight I have the privilege of sharing with you God's word, and hopefully, on your way in, you got a worship guide from our home team, and we give those to you for lots of reasons, but we give those to you because we know uh that it is no small thing that God is the creator of the universe and he speaks to us.

And so when he does, we want to be sure that we pay attention and that we write down the things that he says.

Um tonight we left as kind of a it was an empty night in our schedule as we were planning this semester as a team.

And honestly, when it comes to um kind of one-off nights, and we just studied the the life of the Israelites uh coming out of their uh slavery and wandering with their season in a season of waiting.

Past spring break, we're gonna study spiritual warfare and and what that looks like for us in our life.

And then we have this one week in kind of the middle, and we thought, well, what are we gonna do?

And if we're just honest with one another, it's hard when there's just a one week off like this to not talk about dating.

And here's what I want to put his positive spin on it.

You know what I mean?

Sometimes we joke around it, it's a little bit of a bit.

We you guys can't think about anything else.

Okay, fine, we'll talk about it.

But here's what I want to submit to you tonight, friends.

What a gift.

What a gift that we all here on some level are saying there is a God and I'm not him.

He has given us his word.

And if I want to do this thing in life called finding a mate, I I want to try at least on some level to see what Scripture says and align myself with what Scripture says and do it in a way as best I can that honors God.

In other words, what I'm trying to say to you, friend, is if you can't talk about dating and relationships here, where else are you gonna talk about it?

Somebody say amen.

Your feed is just serving up garbage of self-centeredness and sex-soaked material.

And so we, however, have the Bible, and the Bible is a tool that we know and believe always and primarily points us to the truth and the message of Jesus.

And we know and believe that scripture talks about who we are as individuals and who we want to become in Christ.

And so, if it talks about who we are and who we want to become, those things most definitely apply to our lives when it comes to the topic that you're right, you can't stop thinking about where in the world is my spouse.

Now, that being said, I want to get a couple things off my chest, okay?

I want you to know a couple of things.

Tonight I am not declaring myself an expert on dating.

I'm not doing that.

However, of the privileges that God has granted to me in my life, one of which is to sit in my seat and watch an awful lot of dating take place around here, not to mention most of my own uh failed experiences, uh, tonight, if you'll indulge me, I do.

I just wanted to look at what Scripture says for a couple of things and some truths and principles that would apply.

And if I can be so bold, I'm not your parent, but what they would want to tell you is if you would just apply a couple of these things to your life when it comes to specifically looking for someone to marry and spend the rest of your life with, we would all do well to do, right?

Because here's the thing, I want to be very clear.

We do not do via so you can find a spouse.

In fact, why don't you just do this?

Why don't you turn to somebody next to you and say, we don't do via so you can find a spouse?

Some of you, that's a little that's a little heartbreaking.

We don't do via so you can find a spouse.

In fact, in fact, God, the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth, never promises us anywhere in Scripture that we will have a spouse.

But if you are going to find a spouse, I do hope and pray that they are in this room tonight.

Somebody say amen.

So here's the problem, right?

The problem is that relationships are messy.

They're messy.

Not to mention that we always carry our own baggage and expectations, and he said she said, and my friend thinks you're so cute, and that person who only DMs you but won't actually talk to you in real life, and the whole like God just really has me in my season of singleness right now, and it all just gets really weird really quick.

Dating is hard enough.

Dating in the church seems impossible.

Somebody say amen.

So, while there is no formula, there is no formula for how to date, or to get a girl to go out with you, or make sure you're successful, whatever that means.

Again, the Bible gives us truths and principles that we can apply to our life specifically on who we are, who God has made us to be, and who God is developing us into to look more like Christ by the power of his spirit.

So consider tonight, if you will, a little expose, a little friendly chat with your pastor Clayton about some things that he thinks you should know when it comes to dating.

Are you ready?

We're gonna hit him quick.

If you're taking notes, the first one I want you to know is this boldness is not the same thing as maturity.

You guys are a lot more talkative tonight.

That's so crazy.

Boldness is not the same thing as maturity.

When it comes to looking for a mate for the girls, you are not just looking for a guy that's confident.

For the guys, confidence, boldness is not the thing, the key, the linchpin that's finally gonna get her to say yes to your four DMs in a row.

But somehow, do you want to know?

Somehow, this has climbed the ladder of the most desirable traits.

And listen, what I'm not talking about, to be clear, I am not talking about self-confidence.

Just just having, you know, looking someone in the eye, being comfortable in your own skin.

Those things are rooted in our identity, and when our identity is received based on what Christ has done, that allows me to walk in what God has provided for me.

So I'm not talking about self-confidence because that's what we all want.

I'm talking about this idea that the thing you really need is for the guy to walk up to you and just lay his pickup line on you confidently, looking you in the eyes the whole time.

I'm talking about this idea that someone who knows what he wants and just takes it.

If I just shoot my shot with enough girls, one of them's bound to say yes.

You know what I mean?

And we hear that and we go, Clayton, that sounds dumb.

We all know that that sounds done.

But every single one of your feeds is filled with videos of those street interviews of guys using the real Riz or girls who tell story time about their third date with a guy who still won't pick up the hint to ask him to be her girlfriend.

And while on a small level, those things may be funny or applicable on a small level, what are we doing?

We are following the Lord.

We are obeying Jesus, we are reading God's word and submitting to it, asking to be transformed by the power of the Spirit.

And so, when we give our life to Jesus, we know what?

That the Holy Spirit comes to indwell us instantly when we give our life to Jesus.

And don't you love it?

That the first fruit of the spirit that's listed in but in the Bible is boldness.

Oh you're right, it doesn't say that.

Look at what it says in Galatians chapter 5, verse 22 through 23.

Galatians 5:22–23

But the fruit of the Spirit, the sign that the Holy Spirit is growing in you are what things?

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control against such things.

There is no law.

We get it twisted that somehow what we really need is boldness to be able to that that's the personality trait.

That's the marker for someone who's really ready to get married.

But the Bible never says boldness is the marker of spiritual spiritual maturity, unless, of course, you're talking about boldness to preach Christ, but I know that's not what you're talking about.

And so we settle for boldness over maturity.

We just want the courage.

I just want someone to just tell me that they want to take me on a date, Clayton.

I just want someone to be honest with me.

And somehow, somehow, along the way, guys, we've told you in the room, it's been said to you in the room, that all you have to do is walk up across the room to the girl with your head high, your shoulders back, look her in the eye and say the magic words, will you go on a date with me?

And she might put her hand on her head and fall over, and she'll fall in love with your leadership, and she'll have to say yes because you looked her in the eye and you said date.

You said date.

You didn't just say hang out, you said date.

And this is what we think is going to happen.

Listen to me, that's not leadership, that's not courage.

It's not listed as a primary marker of spiritual maturity, certainly when it comes to talking to someone of the opposite sex.

Confidence might start a relationship, but it's character that sustains it.

Confidence might start, it might help start the relationship, but it is character that sustains it.

So stop saying, I've just got to be more confident, and start asking, am I growing in my spiritual maturity?

Because listen to me, when you're actually married, again, which is the goal of dating, when you have the kids, when the bills are coming in, the kid is crying, life gets hard, what do you want?

Someone who knows how to shoot a shot, or someone who's spiritually mature?

Again, this is the thing that we get twisted.

And so if I can just go after the guys for just a minute, homies, my dogs, boys, go to the gym, get big, eat good food, run fast, train hard, do all the things, be good at your job.

Don't just make it, be the best at your job.

Survive.

Don't just survive, thrive.

Do be who God has made you to be.

Great, make all the money.

But if you think that's what you need in order to get the girl, you've got it horribly mistaken.

There is a shortage of men who will accept the spiritual responsibility of being who God has called them to be.

And listen, I'm so sick of this pseudo-masculinity.

This is what you really need to be a man type stuff.

Why do the girls outnumber the boys at via in serving?

Why do the girls outnumber the boys in small groups at via at this church?

That is not the bar that we are accepting around here, okay?

We're gonna raise it.

So if you wanna be, if you want to find someone who's spiritually mature, if you want to be a spouse worth looking for, let's accept the spiritual responsibility that God has given us and raise it to show that we're growing in our spiritual maturity.

Can I get an amen from the ladies?

And ladies, just in case you're getting too comfortable, for crying out loud.

The most attractive thing in a guy isn't that he just takes what he wants and knows what he wants.

Maybe it's someone who loves the Lord vastly more than they'll ever love you, who serves the Lord.

You are not looking for a man who does what he wants.

You want someone to dwell with you in understanding who's gentle and kind and loving and peaceful.

Listen to me.

I can grab a steering wheel really, really hard.

It does not mean I know where I'm going.

So many of us, we think that's what we need.

We just need the confidence, we just need the boldness.

We don't need someone who can initiate, we need someone who's formed.

That's what we're looking for.

Courage might ask for the date, but it's character that prepares for the racial relationship.

That's number one.

Number two, are you ready?

Here's number two.

Red flag number one.

Here we go.

You ready?

Here's the biggest red flag.

You drift from community.

Red flag number one.

You drift from community.

Red flag numero uno.

You drift from community.

Do you want to know something, friends?

This is my Magnus Opus.

This is my Mona Lisa.

This is my Sistine Chapel.

This is my Shayla, if you will, okay?

What this is.

Nothing.

Are you ready?

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing fires me up more than when someone starts dating someone and then immediately bails on the community that they belong to.

If I can be so bold, it is the clearest warning sign of an unhealthy relationship.

It is the clearest, the loudest, the arguably the first warning sign of an unhealthy relationship.

We know what scripture says.

Hebrews chapter 10, verse 24 says what?

Hebrews 10:24

Do not neglect the meeting of the brethren.

Don't stop coming to church.

And I can tell you, there's no footnote at the bottom of the page that says, unless you just started that like really good relationship.

That like with that really, you guys get a pass.

You guys are good.

Take a couple months.

If anything, there's never been a more critical time in your life that you need community around you.

You know why?

Because that person might suck.

They might really stink.

They might be the worst.

But you can't tell, Clayton.

Oh, I can tell.

Remember how well that last relationship worked out for you?

But we do this.

We do this.

We do this.

We get a little twitter pated, we get a little fuzzy in the stomach, we get a little flirty, and then we bail on the community.

It's the craziest thing in the world to me.

We believe a lie.

Listen to me.

We believe a lie that isolation is equ equates to intimacy.

That isolation equals intimacy.

That's a lie we believe.

So, really, what I really need is I need to spend alone time with this person, and that reveals, that will show, that will produce an intimate relationship.

We just need more alone time.

I'm telling you, it's one of the most dangerous places spiritually you can be.

Unhealthy relationships replace community.

Healthy relationships integrate into community.

Every time, every time, every time.

We just need to be alone more.

We say we just want to spend some time together.

But what are we doing?

We're following the Lord.

We're obeying Jesus.

And what do we know, right?

Let's just cut straight to the chase.

What do we know?

Jesus, when we obey him, gives us the most joy we can ever experience.

When we obey the Lord, we experience more joy than any other way that we would live our life.

When we spend a lot of alone time, what are we really trying to say?

God has created sex for a marriage.

And when you want to spend all the alone time you can, listen to me, Satan will spend an insane amount of effort getting you into bed together when you're not married and keeping you out of bed together when you finally are.

So this, like, oh, isolation, I just don't hang out with my friends anymore, quickly creeps into I'm missing out on what God has for me.

If your relationship thrives in public but it weakens you in public, that's a red flag.

If your relationship thrives in private but weakens you in public, it's a red flag.

So when a relationship is costing you time with your family, with your friends, at church, with your small group, serving, I just, I mean, I'm just gonna be honest with you.

In my opinion, there is no louder, clearer, early warning sign red flag than that thing.

Let me just see if I can illustrate like this.

Think about it like this, right?

Everybody knows a fire.

We know how to build fires.

We don't really make that many fires, but we know them, right?

What happens when you have a fire and there's coal in the fire and you take a coal out of the fire?

Does it burn hotter?

No.

It cools off.

If in dating someone pulls you from the community, it is not intimate love, it is misplaced devotion.

My guess is that if we went around the room and we were honest about our most unhealthy relationships and where isolation pulled us from community, it would coincide with the times that we were spiritually the coldest we've been in a long time.

Don't, don't, don't.

I'm telling you, I'm begging you, don't fall for this.

And you've got a month, maybe less, to notice it.

Because you get all spinny in your head and you think this is the one, and you won't listen to anybody.

But how many of us, again, could look at the times in our life when there is unhealthy relationships, isolation from community, coinciding with spiritual coldness.

It all goes together, friend, and the quicker we see it and the quicker we notice it, we can take heed of what the Bible is trying to tell us.

Don't pull from community.

Two things.

Last thing, one more to get off my chest.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Last thing I want you to know is this direction determines compatibility.

Direction determines compatibility.

We know this.

Check out what the Apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians chapter 6, verse 14.

2 Corinthians 6:14

He says, do not, do not.

This is a command.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

As clear as I can be, every single time we talk about this.

Do not, do not, do not date someone who does not have a faith in Jesus.

What is dating?

Dating is an application for marriage.

Why would you want to entertain the thought of marrying someone who doesn't believe the most important thing that you believe?

This is a non-starter.

Non-starter.

I don't care how kind he is, how beautiful she is, how great their family is, if they do not believe in Jesus, love ya, I'll be praying for you, I'm not going on a date with you.

But we know what else?

We know that this idea of being unequally yoked applies to other areas of our dating life as well.

Our dear friend Sidney Barker says, outside of Jesus, the most important decision that you make is who you marry.

So what if, instead of, are they interested in me, you started asking, are they going the same direction as me?

And then, here's a novel idea: pick your direction.

For so many of us, right?

We're in a season of life where everyone you know is on the move somewhere.

And for maybe your best friends or close circles, you're going in the same direction, whether that's a career, or whether that's sports, or whether that's a hobby, or whether that's Jesus, or whatever.

And everyone's zooming around.

It's like a 360 interstate, and there's no rules.

Everyone's just moving.

And so what happens is when it comes to dating, we go, I can't go unless I have someone with me, so we stop moving, and then all of a sudden we expect the person who's moving, wherever they're going, I'm just gonna go with them.

But what we have to understand is direction determines compatibility.

And so when we're stagnant, it actually creates even more problems when the relationship starts.

And so we've got to decide what is it that you actually want to be.

And so I'm asking you the question tonight: who is the type of person, what type of person do you want to become, and what type of person do you want to marry?

Pick your direction.

And I mean it from everything, from faith and and lifestyle and all these things.

But do you want to move to a big city and live in an apartment and live in a walkable community?

Great.

That matters.

You're probably not going to marry the girl who wants to live in Trenton, Georgia on the grandpa's farm, okay?

It's probably not just gonna work out.

Do you uh is it really important to you that Christmas morning is at your grandparents' house because you've always done it?

Great, that matters.

Do you want to build a life here in Chattanooga and raise a family and raise kids and do all those things?

Great.

That matters.

Oftentimes, problems can arise because we never stop to ask what direction someone was going in.

Instead, we're just looking for the vibes.

We're just looking for the spark.

I just want to feel something, Clayton.

I just want to feel it.

I don't care if it hurts me, I just want to feel something.

You've heard me say this, okay?

It is about the easiest thing in the world to fall in love with someone.

It is.

Some of you don't believe me, but I'm telling you, it is.

Do you know what you need?

You need time, talk, and touch.

You spend enough time, you talk enough, the legs start bumping, the hands start grazing, the arm finally goes around, all of a sudden we're getting married, dogs.

It's inevitable.

This is what's gonna happen.

It's easy to fall in love.

Time, talk, and touch.

So you better be careful who you do those things with.

But we want chemistry and never question the calling, but it's direction, not chemistry, that determines compatibility.

And so you say, Clayton, it's just so hard.

I mean, there's just not really that many guys around here that, like, you know, are at least six foot and serve and are gonna be in finance or whatever, right?

Clayton, you don't understand.

Every girl says she just wants someone who loves the Lord, but every time I ask a girl out, I get the friend zone reply, or I get the next week and never schedule.

They just don't know what they want.

All the girls do is hold out for a fear of a better option.

Here's what I want to tell you.

First of all, if it's something that you want, have you prayed for God to give it to you?

Just frankly, right?

We spend a lot of time talking about how today we don't start with the idea that James says every good and perfect gift comes from above.

And if you want a good and perfect gift, when's the last time you asked God to give you what you wanted?

And then lastly, to close, just I just want you to consider this.

I'll oblige and I'll show you a picture of when Sophie and I started dating.

I know that's all what you were thinking for, wanting, and wanting to see tonight.

Crazy.

You know what's funny about this photo is this was our hard launch photo.

This was uh this is our Instagram announcement.

When Sophie and I started dating, we were so in love.

We were so in love, right?

In fact, she would tell you that I told her that I loved her after three weeks.

So um, actually, point number four tonight, don't tell anyone you love them after three weeks.

That's point number four.

What she's neglecting to tell you is that we were friends for six months before that, so I waited you know five months to tell her.

But listen, Sophie is beautiful.

I can remember literally, I can take you to the spot on this planet that I was standing the very first time I saw her.

The way that her hair bounced on her shoulders, what she was wearing, she captivated me.

Isn't that so sweet?

Can you believe that?

I mean that, I really do mean that.

She's beautiful.

And can I tell you something?

Her beauty didn't do a thing for me when her grandmother died and we had to travel to Texas for the funeral.

Her beauty didn't do a thing for me when her parents got divorced and we had to pick up the pieces.

Uh her beauty didn't help me when my mom passed away suddenly and we were all shocked.

Her beauty didn't help me when our son was in the NICU for several days and we didn't know how it was gonna go.

Now, Sophie is um my favorite.

She's so witty and she's funny.

She makes me laugh with these one-liner jokes that uh most people don't even know she's got up there in the dome, you know, but she's got 'em.

She's artistic and she's creative and she makes the most beautiful flower arrangements more than anything anyone you've ever seen.

Um, she's thoughtful and she's considerate and she remembers details about people's lives.

She cries when she prays out loud, which is so tender to me.

She has the most beautiful voice that almost no one has heard, and I love to hear her sing at our home.

These things, those things, are what has sustained our marriage, and none of those things are the things that are on the TikTok reel.

Those things are hard to capture in those photos of a travel vlog that flashes 47 photos up to you and it's like, oh, I want that relationship.

Well, do you be careful in dating that you're not looking for someone to hold your hand and dress up and take wedding pictures with?

What type of person do you want to console you when someone in your life unexpectedly dies?

What type of spirit do you want to be met with if you ever get told that maybe you can't ever have kids?

What type of experience do you want to create for your life?

Because these things are the things that matter.

So, yes, we love beautiful people.

Beautiful people are fun to look at, right?

Everyone loves a beautiful person.

But can I just tell you something?

Their jawline doesn't make their words any softer coming out of their mouth.

Their time with the Lord will.

So before Sophie and I started dating, the work that needed to happen wasn't, God, why don't you bring this person already to me in my life?

The work that needed to happen was me loving Jesus more than anything else in my life.

And isn't it something that she came after I turned from the girl back to him?

Attraction may start a conversation, but it's character that sustains the relationship.

Somebody say amen.

Would you pray with me?

Lord Jesus, we love you.

God, we're thankful for who you are and for what you've done for us.

God, we're thankful that you are God and that we are not.

God, we're thankful that you are good and that you're righteous, that you're holy.

God, that your word tells us that you care about us, that you know the number of hairs on our head.

You formed us in our mother's womb.

You've known our name from since before the foundation of the world.

And so, God, for every single person in this room that's sitting here, waiting, wondering, God, is this ever going to happen for me?

God, we know that you hold a future.

You're in control yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

You're the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

And so that God is, there are so many in the room who are saying, God, I want to do this well.

I want to, I want to date in a God-honoring way.

I want to, I want to look at relationships and honor the opposite sex in a way that points them back to you because, God, I want to love you more than anything else.

God, I pray that you would bless them.

God, I pray that you would grow faith in them.

God, I pray that, um, God, we pray, God, would there be relationships and and marriages that are found here at Via?

What a gift that would be.

But God, more than anything else, we ask that you would grow in our hearts a desire to know you and to love you that burns hotter and stronger and further than anything else in our life.

God, we love you, we trust you, it's in your holy, holy, holy.

And precious name we pray, and all God's people said, Amen.

Via is Silverdale for 18 to 25 year olds.

We gather on Thursday nights at 8 p.m.

in Chattanooga, Tennessee.