Beloved: Longing for Intimacy

So, Happy New Year. It is a new year. Happy Epiphany. Merry Christmas. We're still in the

Christmas season. But with a new year, it feels only right to start a new sermon series. So we're

going to be doing that this evening. So let me open by asking you a question. Music lovers,

what would you consider to be the greatest love song ever written? Greatest love song ever written?

I know that that might somewhat depend on your taste in music and whether you like

older stuff or more modern, recent stuff. Did a little research, went to billboard.com. Here's

what they had to say. Top three greatest love songs of all time. I guess that means in all

recorded human history. Here we go. In third place, We Found Love by Rihanna. It's pretty romantic.

You know, we fell in love in a hopeless place. You know, that's sweet.

Number two, greatest love song of all time. I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men.

You know, they were a big part of my childhood. I don't know if they were for you. Maybe I'm

dating myself. Boyz II Men, huge when I was growing up in school. And I love the directness of this song.

You know, I'm going to make love to you. That's what I'm planning to do, right? That's,

there's no mystery there, right? And then the top greatest love song of all time is Diana Ross and

Lionel Richie's Endless Love. Do you know this song? Endless Love. Dan is raised, it must be one of

his favorite songs. Endless Love. Right? So top three, I don't know if you agree. If you open the

Bible to almost the very middle of the Bible, there is another love song. And it's one that we don't

often look at or pay much attention to. It's what has come to be known as the song of songs, right?

So that's a big claim. It's not just a song. It's the song of song, the song to end all songs.

And this is a great love song. And so beginning today, we're going to actually start working our

way verse by verse through the song of songs. Now, this is going to require a longer than normal

introduction. And so we're just going to dive right in. There are a few things that I have to say

before we get started. In terms of the song of songs, this is in one sense what we consider to be

wisdom literature. So the Psalms, the Proverbs, Job, Ecclesiastes, these are wisdom literature

writing. So they function to orient us to the way things are, to help us know how to live in the

world. Wisdom literature. But also, as we're going to see in much more detail, this is erotic poetry.

It is very clearly about sexual intimacy. And it's notoriously difficult to interpret. In 10 years

of preaching and serving as a pastor, this is hands down the hardest series I've ever had to do,

simply because this book is so challenging. It's incredibly challenging. The biggest question

across history regarding the song and the interpretation of the song has been this. Number one question.

Do we interpret this as an allegory, meaning it's really meant to be a spiritual book about the

love between God and his people? Or do we interpret it literally, that this is actually about sexual

intimacy between a man and a woman? How do we interpret it? Now, historically, up until the

Reformation, the Jewish tradition and the Christian tradition, pretty much across the board, interpreted

the song in an allegorical fashion. So they said, this is allegory. It's purely spiritual. It's just a

bunch of metaphor. And actually, the Council of Constantinople in 550 AD expressly forbade teaching the

Song of Songs literally. It was forbidden. Now, I think that's kind of interesting, because most of the time,

the liberal approach to Scripture is to interpret it allegorically. You know, well, Jesus didn't

actually rise from the dead, and this isn't actually about sin as we think it is. You know, it's all

allegory, right? And conservatives tend to be the ones who take Scripture more at face value. Well, this is

what it says. And that is true for every other part of the Bible except the Song of Songs. When you get to

the Song of Songs, conservatives, for some reason, say, no, this is very obviously allegory. You know,

there's nothing to see here. Total allegory. It's only about God. It has nothing to do with humans

or human love. Those are definitely not breasts. I know it says breasts, but it's obviously not about

breasts, right? So it's a mystery. And I think that what that does is it really reveals a lot

about the discomfort that Christians have had over the centuries with sexuality. And it reveals even

more the kind of what you might consider to be a Gnostic tradition running through the church since

the early days of the church that tends to artificially and wrongfully separate the physical from the

spiritual and then to elevate the spiritual over the physical. So this could never be a book about

human sexuality or intimacy, right? And so the fact is, if you read it, as we will, it becomes impossible

to deny that this is, in fact, about human love and intimacy, the kind that exists between a husband

and wife. The entire poem is about the ideal sex and intimacy that exists within the context of a marriage

between Solomon and the Shulamite woman. And yet, as Paul says in Ephesians chapter 5,

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

even marriage, sex, and intimacy, even those mysteries, he says, as mysterious as that is,

it actually points us to the even deeper, greater, more ultimate mystery of the love that exists between

Christ and his church. So yes, it is about human love, and yet even human love and sex and intimacy

point us to the deeper spiritual reality of Christ and his church. So as we read this, we're going to

look at it through two lenses. First, we're going to read it as wisdom. There's a lot in here to help

us know what love is, what intimacy is, what sexuality is, what marriage is. It teaches us a lot about those

things. So it is wisdom, but it's also a window. It's a window that again and again and again will take us

deeper into the heart of God and teach us more and more and more about what that love actually means.

So one last thing before we dive in. You know, we're about ready to start, but I just want to say

one more thing about this. Why study the Song of Psalms? That's what my wife asked me. She said,

of all the things that you could do, why would you do this? And that's a fairly common conversation in our

house, but she said it with particular vehemence, you know, as I was preparing to do this. And, you

know, and there's really, there's a lot of reasons I could give. I'll give you two. Number one, I've been

having conversations for 10 years about sexuality and it's a function of where we live and who we

minister to. But most of the time when people think about what the Bible has to say about sex

and about intimacy, they think in terms of what the Bible says is allowed or not allowed. These

things are okay. These things are not okay. And the only commentary the Bible really offers us is

where's the line? What's okay? What's not okay? It's very sad that that's the case because right here,

the Song of Songs, in my opinion, is one of the deepest, richest, most profound sources of wisdom

and beauty and truth when it comes to sexuality and intimacy and marriage that I think you can find

anywhere. And yet it is very seldom preached and it's largely overlooked for maybe some of the reasons

that we've already described. So that's the first reason. The second reason is this. I think everybody

out there, religious, irreligious, left, right, I think everybody would agree that there are issues in our

society related to sex. That we have some problems. And you look at Harvey Weinstein and porn epidemic and

all these things, nobody's going to say, I think we're all in a great place. But here's the thing

that I'm going to contend again and again and again over the next few weeks is that our fundamental

problem in our society is not a sex problem. It's an intimacy problem. That in fact, we as a society

may be over-sexed, we may be sex-obsessed, but we are starving for intimacy. And the good news is,

this book is not actually about sex. What it's really about is intimacy. It's about the kind of

intimacy that God designed us to experience with one another, but also with him. And so our central

focus over the next few weeks is going to be understanding this intimacy. So whether you're

someone who is, you're single and you're longing for intimacy, you're married and you're longing for

intimacy, maybe you're dating somebody that you hope to marry one day, maybe you're dating somebody

that you should probably break up with. Maybe you're in a sexless marriage. Maybe you're in a lonely

marriage. Maybe you're in a marriage where the sex is good and the intimacy is good and you just want

to maintain that. Wherever you are, my hope in prayer is that this will have something to say

to everybody because intimacy is a core part of what it means to be a human being. So today,

what we're going to do is we're going to look just at the first eight verses of Song of Songs,

chapter one. We don't have time to do any more than that. And we're going to read through this

together verse by verse. And along the way, I'll draw out three points about intimacy and what it

takes to build intimacy. So let's pray. Our Heavenly Father, you say in your word that all

scripture is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for our growth. And Lord, we open

these words together trusting that promise that we're not going to rely on human wisdom or rhetoric,

but rather we deeply desire our author, our maker, to teach us about our hearts and ultimately to draw

us deeper into your heart. And so we pray this with reverence and expectation. And we say all of it in

the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. So Song of Songs, chapter one, verse one. Let's put it up on the

screen. It opens this way. This is kind of the introductory verse, the Song of Songs, which is

Solomon's. Now I want to say a few things about Solomon. This could be translated the song which

was authored by Solomon or the song which is about Solomon or the song which pertains to Solomon's

court. There are a number of ways it could be translated. I tend to side with the scholars who say

that the Song of Songs was indeed written by Solomon and that it was written late in his life when he was

an older man. And I actually believe that Solomon wrote this almost as an act of repentance.

That as God inspired and guided his hand, Solomon, as he reflected on his life, wrote the Song of Songs

as a kind of vision of the life and the marriage and the intimacy that he wishes he could have had

if he had made different choices in his youth. So I think there's a kind of reflective longing

that's embedded in the Song of Songs. Now in real life, if you look at 1 Kings chapter 11,

1 Kings 11 · chapter mention

we learn that Solomon in fact had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Now you can try to explain some of

that away, political alliances and that's the way things were back then and yada yada. Even by ancient

Near Eastern standards, this is excessive. Excessive. It's funny that you have to say that,

but a thousand women is excessive, okay? And it doesn't say this in the text, but it makes one

wonder, is there a sex addiction in operation here? What's going on? Now, fortunately for us,

Solomon also wrote the book of Ecclesiastes, another wisdom book. And in it, he is also writing from the

perspective of an old man reflecting back on choices that he's made and what he's learned.

And so if we look at Ecclesiastes chapter 2, he says, he explains his reasoning in building this vast

Ecclesiastes 2 · chapter mention

army of women. He says, I said in my heart, come now, I will test you with pleasure. Enjoy yourself.

And then it says he gathered a great harem of the most beautiful women in the land. Anyone, you know,

the best of the best. And then it says in verse 10, and whatever my eyes desired, I did not keep

from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure. Sounds like our modern sexual ethic more or less,

right? If I desired it, I did it. And then at the end of the chapter, here's what Solomon concludes.

After all of that, here's his conclusion. It was all meaningless.

It was all empty. I was chasing the wind. So this is a man who had all the sex he wanted

with the most beautiful women in the land. And at the end of it all, he's essentially confessing,

I'm empty inside. I'm hollow. All of that meant nothing. I was chasing the wind.

And I think what we can conclude is that Solomon all the while had not been searching for sex or

sexual gratification. He had actually been searching for intimacy. And he never found it,

at least not there. So this is the first point I want to make. I know we're only one verse in,

but let's make one point here. It's a very important point as we start this book together.

Here's the first point about intimacy. Intimacy is vital for human flourishing. It's vital. Every single

human being here needs intimacy. Sexual gratification is not. Now, sexual reproduction is necessary for

the furthering of the species. But sexual gratification as we define it in our society

is not. Intimacy is. Sexual gratification is not. See, the reason that we need to make that point is

because I think like Solomon, our culture has it exactly backwards. We prioritize sexual gratification

over intimacy. Like no other culture in history, we somehow have the idea that if I'm not having

great sex regularly or when I want it, if that's not regularly a part of my life, then something is

wrong with me. If I'm not doing that, then that's a problem. And if I go long enough out doing it,

then I'm going to develop some kind of pathology. On the other hand, we treat intimacy as though it's

optional. Intimacy is something that you need to be careful of. You don't want to get entangled

until you're ready. And we treat it in many ways like a switch, right? We've come to treat intimacy

like a switch that we can flip on and off when it fits into our life instead of understanding that

intimacy is a capacity that needs to be developed over time. So we say, for instance, we say to women,

you know, it's empowering for you to avoid emotional entanglement. One author says that we treat emotional

entanglement and intimacy today like an unwanted pregnancy 30 years ago. You know, if you allow that to

happen, it's going to derail your life. So we tell women, avoid that. What you need to do is, you know, it's okay

to hook up. It's okay to pseudo date, which is kind of on again, off again. Maybe he'll text, maybe he won't,

hooking up when both of us have had enough to drink kind of dating. And it's okay to do that,

but as long as you don't care too much, because you need to focus on your education and your career

and getting ahead. And then when you're, you've gotten to that place where you're established,

then you can be open to intimacy. In other words, when you, when you arrive and you have that career,

then flip the switch and look around and you're ready for intimacy. Turn it on, but keep it off before

then. We say likewise about pornography. We say, you know, pornography, part of a sexually liberated

culture. Pornography is a good thing. Free speech. We need to have it out there. It's good for

everybody to have the kind of society where that's out there and, and you can use it. And it's just a

normal sexual outlet that you can use if you need to. But you know, we tell men just, you know, turn

the switch off when you're using porn. And then when you're with your partner or spouse or whatever,

flip the switch on as though you can just flip it on and off. And in reality, what this actually does

is we are behaviorally conditioning people to separate sex and intimacy over time. We are

conditioning people to separate those things. And so this produces men who are increasingly

incapable of being sexually aroused by a real flesh and blood woman. And you have married men who are

relying on pornography to arouse them so that they can then engage with their wife, right? You have men who,

who simply can't feel any real desire for anyone who's actually a real person. And it produces women

who struggle with, with emotional despair and self-hatred and loneliness. Yeah, I don't know if you read the

piece by Leah Fessler. She was a student at Middlebury College and she did her senior thesis on the hookup

culture at Middlebury. And she, so she interviews all of these women. She does a survey and an in-person

interviews and tries to get a great representative sample. Here's what she concludes. I don't know if

this is going to surprise you or not, but virtually every single woman she talked to said the same

thing. They play along with the hookup culture. You know, they go along with it. They pretend not to

mind it either because they think it's pro-feminist or because they secretly hope that if they hook up

and that leads to another hookup, that that might actually turn into a real dating relationship.

So they play along for a number of reasons. But deep down across the board, all these women hate it.

They hate it. And they find that, you know, she says, the problem is I would tell myself,

I don't care, don't care, don't care. And then we would start having sex and guess what would

happen? I would start caring and I would start checking my phone. I would wonder why hasn't he texted

me? Why haven't I heard from him? And it's been two weeks, it's been three weeks. And she says,

she would just start obsessing. And she says that's all she would do with her friends is they

would obsess over these guys that they're not supposed to care about. And yet they care.

And it's driving them crazy. And here's what she says. She says, in reality, talking about herself

and her friends, listen to this. We were desperate to know what it felt like to be wanted.

We were desperate for a chance at intimacy.

Now, while most women hate the hookup culture,

most men love it. That's simple, simple truth.

And just to be totally honest,

it is very hard, I think, for many women to sleep with

a guy and not start to develop feelings.

It's very easy for guys to do that.

Guys can, we can,

a guy can literally sleep with a woman,

have a great time, and literally

walk away and never care about them again.

I mean,

that's just the way it is.

That's not to say

it doesn't do damage.

It's just not felt

quite so

quickly.

I think a lot of men are very much like Solomon.

It can take us maybe years

before we start to realize

there's something really wrong in here.

I'm really empty.

It can take us years to begin to realize,

and maybe only after we get into a marriage

where we begin to realize,

I actually don't know how to have intimacy.

I have never developed that capacity.

I've not cared and not cared and not cared,

and now I'm really good at it.

I don't even know what intimacy means.

Right?

So,

as we reflect on this,

I want to contrast that

with an example of a man that I know

who got married.

He and his wife were very attracted to each other,

and soon after they got married,

she developed a medical condition,

which meant she was unable to have sex.

And so this couple,

they were together for over 30 years

until she passed away.

30 years of a sexless marriage.

And you know what he says in the aftermath of that?

He says,

we had an amazing marriage.

And he says,

at first,

at first I panicked,

and I didn't know what I was going to do,

and I didn't know if I was going to make it,

and all my friends told me to trust the Lord

and stay in it.

And he says,

very soon I began to realize something

that totally took me off guard.

He says,

I began to realize

that my deep emotional need for intimacy

far outweighed my need for sexual desire,

sexual gratification.

And he says,

it wasn't easy,

and ideally in a marriage you have both.

Ideally you have both.

He said,

but what I learned is

that what I really needed is intimacy.

In their marriage,

they had an amazingly,

profoundly intimate marriage.

In many ways,

he says,

the fact that they couldn't have sex

forced them to develop intimacy

in all kinds of other ways.

He said it was profoundly intimate

and profoundly satisfying

and fulfilling marriage.

But no sex.

Now I will say this before we move on.

Ideally you have both.

Right?

And here's the way it works.

The more intimacy you have,

the better the sex.

The more intimacy you have,

the better the sex.

Good sex has nothing to do with technique.

It has everything to do

with intimacy

and emotional connection.

So for those people who are married,

that is where the focus needs to be

if you want a great sex life.

Develop intimacy.

And that's what we're going to be talking about

for the next few weeks

so you're in the right place.

We're going to be moving on now.

We have to look

and actually get into the song itself.

I want to say this.

This is a song.

So it's meant to be sung.

So imagine we're at a wedding

and this is a song

that could have easily been sung

across the week

of a Jewish wedding celebration.

And there are multiple parts.

You know,

I toyed with the idea

of having people come up

and sing the different parts

to kind of illustrate that.

And then I realized

that would be horrendously awkward.

So we're not going to do that.

I mean,

have you read this?

So, you know,

and I don't know

who would even volunteer for that.

So,

but imagine,

if you will,

you have instruments playing

and, you know,

people playing instruments

and then we have three singing parts.

There's,

there's the Shulamite woman

and she sings over half the verses,

about 55 verses.

Then there's the Solomon,

the man.

And then we have the chorus

and the chorus chimes in

throughout the song.

And that's very important.

We'll come back to that.

So,

let's get into the song itself.

Beginning with verse 2.

This is the Shulamite woman

as she begins to sing.

Let him kiss me

with the kisses of his mouth.

For your love is better than wine.

Your anointing oils are fragrant.

Your name is oil poured out.

Therefore,

virgins love you.

Draw me after you.

Let us run.

The king has brought me

into his chambers.

So that can be translated,

may the king bring me

into his chamber.

Now,

let's go forward.

Here the chorus chimes in

and they say,

we will exult

and rejoice in you.

We will extol your love

more than wine.

Rightly do they love you.

Now,

this is the community

weighing in

and saying,

we approve of this.

We love you guys together.

More of this.

You guys go spend time together.

We're so excited

that you love each other,

right?

And then,

as we move forward,

now it comes back

to the woman

and the woman gets personal.

And we begin to learn

a little more about her heart.

She says,

I'm very dark,

but lovely.

Now,

that's not a racial darkness.

This is,

she's,

it's a suntan.

We'll,

I'll show you why

a little bit further on.

She says,

I'm very dark,

but lovely,

O daughters of Jerusalem,

like the tents of Kedar,

like the curtains of Solomon.

Do not gaze at me

because I'm dark,

because the sun

has looked upon me.

My mother's sons

were angry with me.

They made me keeper

of the vineyards,

but my own vineyard

I have not kept.

So what's happening here?

Well,

we're,

we're,

we're beginning to see

a little more

about this woman.

This Shulamite woman

is obviously attracted

to the man.

She says,

I want him to kiss me

right now.

I want him to take me

into his chamber,

which means sexual intimacy,

right now.

And she's obviously

attracted to him physically.

She says,

you know,

I like the way he looks.

I want him to kiss me.

I like the way he smells.

Men used to wear

scented oil,

a lot like ancient

Near Eastern Cologne.

But then,

what does she say?

She says,

you know,

I'm not only physically

attracted to him.

He says,

she says,

your name

is like its own form

of perfume.

And I'm drawn to that.

Now,

by name,

she means his whole person.

In other words,

she's attracted

not just to his physical appearance,

but to his character.

You have a good name.

You have a good reputation.

You're well known.

You're well respected.

And I'm drawn to that.

I'm drawn to the fact

that you're a man of integrity.

So that's what she's really drawn to.

Now,

if we go to this passage,

beginning in verse 5,

we learn that not only is he

a man of good character,

but she is as well.

She's here talking

about her insecurity.

She goes,

you know,

don't look at me.

And notice she's not saying it

to the man,

she's saying it to the women.

Sometimes women can be

really critical

of one another's appearance,

right?

And so I know some women

who worry way more

about what other women think

than they do about

what the guys

are trying to impress think,

you know?

So she says,

oh,

you know,

daughters of Jerusalem,

don't judge me

because I have dark skin.

And she goes,

I'll tell you why

I have such dark skin.

Her dad's not in the picture.

He's never mentioned once,

which is odd,

so he's probably dead.

And so her brothers

have more than likely

had to take over

the family business.

And so they're very resentful,

obviously,

about that.

And so they've put

all that responsibility

on her.

So she's been so busy

tending to the family business

that she has not been able

to keep up her appearance.

And so notice

what she's saying.

She goes,

I'm very insecure about this.

Don't judge me about this.

Don't judge my appearance.

Here's why I look the way I do.

But under that,

we see that she's also

a woman of tremendous character.

She's a woman

who's willing to sacrifice

her appearance

in order to do

what needs to be done

to provide for her family,

to be responsible.

And so we see

that this is a couple

where both the man

and the woman

are people of deep character.

And that's really,

really important

because it leads us

to the second point

we want to make

about intimacy,

that intimacy involves

the whole person.

It involves

the whole person.

And the reason

I need to make this point

is because there are

a lot of people these days

who say that they're

terrified of getting married

and terrified of

losing their desire.

What if I get married

and then we stop

being attracted?

to each other.

But the thing

we need to realize

is that the thing

that gives long-term

satisfaction in marriage

is not physical attraction.

It's not.

And to be totally honest,

no matter how attractive

you are,

no matter how attractive

the person is

that you marry,

give it enough time

and two things

are going to happen.

One,

it's just going to

ebb and flow.

Ask anybody

with young kids,

elementary school

or younger age kids

and they're probably

in an ebb.

It's just a reality.

It's a reality.

Or there's not quite

as much flow

as they would like.

So that life

just does that to you.

And the other thing

that's going to happen

is over time

we all just become

less physically attractive.

attractive.

In our society

if we thought

age was attractive

which we probably should

it would be different.

But in our society

we will all be considered

less attractive

10, 15 years from now

as we are right now.

It's just going to happen.

But the thing

that matters

and the thing

that remains

is character.

In other words

who are you

when no one

is looking?

That's what I mean

by character.

So for those of you

who are looking

for someone

to be with

trying to figure out

who you want to date

and actually marry

physical attraction matters.

Don't let anyone

tell you that

physical attraction

doesn't matter.

It does.

But it doesn't matter

nearly as much

as character.

It doesn't matter

nearly as much

as what a person

is like on the inside.

So I'll ask you

these questions.

Are you attracted?

Think about the person

you're with

or want to be with.

Are you attracted

to their character?

Is their name

like a perfume

that draws you?

If you lost your sight

and could no longer

see them

would you still

want to be with them?

Right?

Do they share

your values?

Do they share

your love for the Lord?

Do they prioritize

faith the way you do?

Is there a commonality

of personhood there

or not?

If not

if the answer

to those questions

are no

you should probably

get out

because you're

setting yourself up

for disaster.

By the way

this is why

it's really important

that the chorus

is chiming in

and saying

we approve

of this relationship.

because it is

very, very, very

easy to allow

physical intimacy

and physical attraction

to blind you

to major

characterological

red flags.

You can have

red flags in the

relationship

red flags in the

person's character

but you can be

blinded if there's

enough physical

connection.

You can be tempted

to minimize those

things.

Five or ten years

from now

those things

are massive.

It's why it's

very important

to have a

community involved

every step

of the way.

For married

people I would

say don't worry

about losing

the spark.

It happens.

It comes and

goes.

And don't worry

about getting

old as though

somehow this

will fade.

You know some

people say

well when I get

older I'll just

get a little

nip-tuck.

I'll get a little

Botox and I'll

be okay.

And you know

if that's your

thing then good

on you.

But I'll say

this.

That's not going

to make for a

healthy intimate

marriage or a

great sex life.

The thing that

is going to

make a massive

difference is if

you spend between

now and over

the next five,

ten, fifteen,

twenty, twenty-five

years focusing on

your relationship

with the Lord

allowing the Holy

Spirit to work

in you to

transform you to

shape and to

mold your

character then

the older you

get the more

beautiful you will

become.

It's a promise.

It's a guarantee.

So this is the

second point.

So first point

intimacy is vital

for human

flourishing.

Sexual gratification

not necessarily.

Second point

intimacy involves

the whole person.

It's not just

physical.

It's much more

about who we

are.

It's a person

on person

life on life

union.

Third point

very quickly

as we're coming

to the end

of our time

we're going

to get a little

more into

we're going

to hear from

him for the

first time

and we're

going to see

the way they

interact.

Let's move

forward.

Verse seven

tell me

this is the

woman speaking

to the man

tell me

you whom my

soul loves

where you

pasture your

flock

where you

make it

lie down

at noon

for why

should I

be like

one who

veils

herself

beside the

flocks of

your

companions.

Interesting.

So now he

responds

if you do

not know

oh most

beautiful

among

women

follow in

the tracks

of the

flock

and pasture

your young

goats

beside the

shepherd's

tents.

Let's unpack

some of

this.

What's

happening?

They're

flirting with

each other.

This is

playful.

It's

actually

wonderfully

playful

language.

She's

essentially

saying hey

where are you

going to be

later?

Yeah I

know you

got a

break

coming up.

Where are

you going

to be?

I kind

of want

to hang

out.

And she's

putting herself

out there.

Whoever said

by the way

that the

biblical

model is

for the

woman to

wait and

for the

man to

kind of

act and

pursue

has never

read

Song of

Songs.

She's

incredibly

bold and

confident.

She's

like hey

where are

you going

to be?

I want

to be

there

with you

so we

can connect

and spend

time together.

Right?

And so

she's putting

herself out

there.

She's taking

a massive

risk.

And so

she's being

flirtatious

because she

says you

know you

can tell

me where

you're

going to

be and

if you

don't I'll

just have

to go

looking among

all of

your friends

tents.

They're

probably going

to think I'm

interested in

them.

So if you

want that to

happen then

okay.

That's what

she's saying

because a

woman with

a veiled

face is a

prostitute.

She's like

all your

friends are

going to

think I'm

a prostitute.

Just tell

me where

you're going

to be.

It's great.

And then he

responds playfully

as well.

He doesn't

just say well

meet me here

at this time.

He says hey

I've left

some clues

for you.

Follow the

clues.

And you

follow the

clues.

It's kind

of a romantic

game.

And he

says and

I'll meet

you there.

And they're

arranging a

kind of rendezvous

out in the

fields so they

can be alone

together.

It's incredibly

romantic.

So this is

what's going

on.

And this

leads us to

the third

point I want

to make

really quickly.

Third point

about intimacy.

Intimacy is a

rhythm of

invitation and

response.

It's a rhythm

of invitation

and response.

She's inviting

the man to

connect with

her and he

is reciprocating

in kind.

Now what do I

mean by this?

How does it

apply to us?

There's a man

named John

Gottman who's

done a lifetime's

worth of research

on what makes

marriage work.

And he can

famously predict,

some of you

know, with

94% accuracy,

he can listen

to a snippet

of conversation

and predict

with 94%

accuracy whether

or not a

couple will

still be

together in

five years

time or if

they will be

divorced.

Now you

ask, well how

does he know?

How can he be

so sure?

Well, one of

the most

groundbreaking

discoveries he

made about

marital intimacy

involves what he

calls bids.

He says over

the course of

the day,

couples will

make bids for

one another's

affection and

engagement.

They will, in

other words,

invite connection

like this

Shulamite woman

is doing with

Solomon.

Now sometimes

this can be

more overt,

like she's

saying, where

are you going

to be?

When you're

on break,

let's hang

out.

But a lot

of times it's

more subtle,

right?

So it could

be I'm sitting

in my living

room, and

maybe Laura's

reading a book

or a magazine

and I'm

working on my

computer and

Laura looks up

and says,

hey Tommy,

can I read this

quote to you?

Now I could

say, yeah,

and I could

close my

laptop and I

could say,

yeah, what is

it?

Or I could

say, no, I'm

really busy, maybe

later, right?

Now that doesn't

seem like a big

deal, but

Gottman says what's

actually going on

is it's not

actually about the

quote.

Maybe in the

moment, in

Laura's mind it

is, but what's

really going on is

it's an opportunity

for me to

emotionally connect,

to validate the

things that she

cares about,

to take a

moment out of

my time to

enter into her

world.

And that's a

bid.

And Gottman

says, in fact,

that when you

look at people

who either

habitually accept

one another's

bids for

connection or

habitually reject,

you see a

massive difference.

Here's the

difference.

Couples that

end up getting

divorced, the

average number of

times they engage

one another's

bids, 33% of the

time.

So three out

of ten times

they're engaging.

The rest of the

time they're

saying, no, I'm

too busy.

Now compare that

to healthy

marriages, couples

that stay

together.

On average, they

respond in one

another's bids, they

engage 87% of the

time.

That's almost nine

out of ten times

that they engage.

That difference

alone, Gottman

says, can account

for whether or

not people stay

together.

So here's the

thing we need to

understand.

Intimacy is not

the fruit of

major, you

know, expensive

nights out and

nice presents and

things like that.

Intimacy is the

fruit of daily

interactions, many

of them quite

mundane.

Taking a moment

out of your time to

engage in what your

spouse is doing.

That over time, maybe

one or two times of

saying I'm too busy

doesn't matter, doesn't

seem like much, but

over time it has a

massive cumulative

effect.

This is how

intimacy is built.

Dozens and

dozens of

invitations and

responses.

So here's the

point I want to

make about this.

If you're dating

somebody right now

or thinking about

or if you find

yourself dating

somebody, you need

to very seriously

ask this question.

Does this person

actually care about

the things that I

care about enough

to engage with me

on them?

Do they just want

to hook up with

me?

Do they just want

to hang out with

me when we're

talking about

things or doing

things that they

want to do?

Or will they

regularly take time

and energy out of

what they're doing

to engage with the

things that matter

to me?

That's a massive

determiner of the

capacity that you

will have for

intimacy.

That's a massive

determiner of the

quality of your

sex life.

Five, ten years

down the road.

Whether or not

somebody will shut

their computer or

turn off their

iPhone and take

that moment to say

yeah, what was it

you wanted to say?

That's it.

It's not rocket

science.

And if you're

married, intimacy

again is not about

the big showy

displays of

affection like

big trips or

weekends at B&B's

although those

things are fun.

By all means do

them.

But intimacy is

built through

these small

mundane daily

interactions.

Do you have a

posture of turning

toward or a

posture of turning

against?

So these are the

three points we

got to stop here

for the sake of

time.

Three points that

I want to make

opening our

series about

intimacy.

Intimacy is

vital for human

flourishing.

Sexual gratification

is not.

Intimacy involves

the whole person.

And thirdly,

intimacy is this

rhythm, this

dance of

invitation response

dozens of times

every day.

So there's one

final thing we

need to see,

one final point

I need to make

before we close

for tonight.

As we've talked

about all of

these forms of

human intimacy,

we also need to

acknowledge that

no matter how much

intimacy we have

as human beings,

it will never be

enough.

You'll never

arrive.

You'll never be

fully satisfied.

You'll never be

in a marriage and

say, now all my

needs are met.

And the reason

for that is

because we're

made not just

for intimacy

with other human

beings, we're

actually made for

intimacy with the

Lord.

So at the end

of the day,

the thing that is

most important is

not whether I

ever have this

intimacy with

another person,

because some of

us will and

some of us

won't.

What matters is,

will I ever have

this kind of

intimacy with

God?

Because that's

the primary

relationship that

we're designed

to have.

And Jesus'

prayer in John

17 is about

that.

He says,

through my

sacrifice, I

desire that all

of my people

would experience

perfect oneness

with God.

He says in

verse 21,

that they may

all be one,

just as you,

Father, are in

me and I in

you, that they

also may be in

us.

That's intimacy.

intimacy.

The problem

is, I think,

many of us

approach God,

many of us

approach life

feeling like the

Shulamite woman.

I think all of

us do.

In the sense

that, you know,

she says,

don't judge me

because of my

skin.

But I think a

lot of our

insecurities go

way deeper.

We say,

don't look at

me.

If you only

knew.

If you only

knew.

Even as we're

sitting here

talking about

sexuality and

past and bad

decisions, I

know all kinds

of things are

coming to our

minds and we're

thinking, man,

if anybody knew

that thing I

did, if anybody

knew what I'm

like in this

situation, if

anybody knew what

I was doing

earlier today, if

anybody knew,

they would run.

We're like that

woman who says,

don't look at me,

don't look at that,

don't look at that

part of me, just

focus on the good

stuff, don't look

at the bad

stuff.

And we're terrified

of intimacy because

we're terrified of

anybody seeing

that stuff and

rejecting us.

And the great

news of the

gospel and the

reason that all

of us have hope

for this kind of

intimacy is that

when we come to

Jesus, when we

confess those things

to Jesus, who is

by the way the

truer and better

Solomon, he's the

one who says to

us, just like we

read, you are the

love of my life.

You are the one my

soul loves.

He says, you're the

one for whom I gave

my life.

And then he raises

our eyes to meet

his and he says,

and you belong

with me.

Because I made

you and I made

you for myself.

Let's pray.