Repentance, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation

So, I want to take on a couple of topics this morning that are classic foundational tools for the spiritual life.

Repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

And I want to talk about these topics because they're critical to our spiritual health,

because I think they're not talked about enough,

and because I think, like all congregations, we need these tools.

Like all congregations, we've been hurt by things that have been said or done by others,

and sometimes by clergy.

These topics are topics that I regularly cover in healing prayer times with people, and I have for years.

And I want to say to anyone who's here, anyone who's listening to this now or later,

if we've talked about these topics in a prayer time, this sermon is not a subtle message to you.

It's not kind of a backdoor, indirect, you know, public messaging to you.

It's not because any clergy said, go talk about this, Rob, because so-and-so needs it.

I think this is something that all of us need to master.

And truthfully, this sermon comes from a lot of good teaching,

I think good teaching that I've received over the years,

but mainly through a lot of hard-fought prayer,

some of which I did with others who came alongside of me to pray with me,

but a lot of which was done alone before the Lord.

So, with this kind of intro, let me get into things.

And I want to give you an unusual starting place for these topics,

the heart of God.

And I want you to hear these words from Isaiah 61.

These were words that Jesus quoted during a service at a synagogue

at the beginning of his ministry to announce his purpose for coming

and what his father was going to do through him.

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

because the Lord has anointed me,

he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed,

to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

to provide for those who mourn in Zion,

to give them a garland instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord,

to display his glory.

I've referenced this part from Isaiah a few times in past sermons,

or at least Jesus is quoting of it from Luke,

because I always like to go back to what Jesus saw as his mandate

as a kind of way of framing and anchoring

some of the things that I feel I want to talk about in sermons.

And so there's no difference here.

This heart of God is our starting place for understanding repentance,

forgiveness,

and reconciliation.

What we should hear in these verses that I read

is that God the Father,

through God the Son,

by God the Holy Spirit,

is bringing healing of hearts,

freedom to those in bondage,

comfort and gladness for those who mourn.

It's just who God is and what God does.

You should hear in these verses that the Lord's intention for you

is to reverse the death and decay that you might feel inside,

to create praise, strength, and righteousness in you instead.

The words a garland instead of ashes speaks to me in particular

from this part of Isaiah,

because ashes have to do with irretrievable loss,

with a place of death from which there's no return.

What the Lord wants to do in you this morning

and always is take away all that is dead in you

and make you a planting of the Lord full of his glory.

So reflective of the Lord's heart for us,

to achieve his intentions for us,

the Lord has given us these powerful

and frankly beautiful gifts

of repentance and forgiveness and reconciliation.

So let's take a look at each in turn.

They're related to each other,

and they can work together in sequence sometimes,

but they are also distinct from each other.

So repentance.

In the Gospels alone,

repentance or a variant of it occurs 91 times,

just in the Gospels alone.

You can always argue when you hear these word counts

about how a word is said,

who's saying it in what way,

but when it comes to the Gospels,

I can assure you the word repentance

is always used in a good way.

It's a good thing.

And clearly, the Gospel writers and Jesus

talk about it a lot.

It's a big deal to God.

In Biblical Greek, repentance,

the word for repentance is metanoia.

It literally means to change one's mind.

And I've always found this really helpful

to understand what happens in repentance.

It's not a feeling of being sorry for something.

It's not even a nice apology,

well-delivered in person,

or maybe on a nice little note card.

These are all helpful,

but these are actually not repentance.

Repentance, by Biblical definition,

means that you come into agreement with God

that what you said or did,

or maybe left undone,

was wrong,

that it was sin.

And that's basically it.

So it's important to understand this

when we are battling,

especially with stubborn or persistent sin,

whatever that sin is.

Because the deeper the struggle

with persistent sin,

the more often we may not feel sorry about it.

And we may not even feel like saying sorry.

So a spiritual key for us in this

is as persistent as your sin is,

as often as you fail and give in to sin,

persist as much in repentance.

As a practice,

I would urge you,

don't wait until the end of the day

or for Sundays when we say the general confession.

Keep a short account with God in real time.

Repent in the moment as soon as you can do so.

As I said,

it really is simply a choice to say,

God, I agree with you.

What I did was wrong.

However you feel about it,

whatever the circumstances.

And I would offer to you

the following language for when you repent.

I would say simply,

Lord, I repent of,

and just name it,

plainly and simply,

without excuse,

without justification.

There's no rationalization

based on what the other person may have done.

Repentance is simply agreeing with God

that what you said or did was wrong.

Repentance, therefore,

is also something that happens primarily

between you and God,

which is why you can and should

always keep short accounts.

Repentance towards others

always comes after.

It follows from the first.

First, we clear things up with God,

and we clear things up with others.

In my life,

every time we're talking about repentance,

and I say,

in my life,

people lean forward,

this is gonna be good,

won't be that good.

But once upon a time,

I was in undergrad,

I think it was in my first year,

and I made a list with God

of all the ways that I had wronged people.

It was a pretty long list at the time.

I spent time with it over a couple weeks,

writing down names of people

and things that I'd said,

things that I'd done,

ways that I knew I'd hurt them.

And then I called,

or this was the early days of email,

so I mostly called,

but I emailed people

to confess to them

what I'd said or what I did,

and just to tell them I was wrong.

This had followed my repentance

before the Lord.

I had taken this list

and I'd prayed it through with the Lord,

repenting before him

and then turning to others

to confess to them.

My confession and apologies to others

was to clear things up with them

after having cleared things up with God.

Forgiveness on the part of these other people

was not required.

What counted what the Lord wanted of me

was simply that I would agree with him

and with others that I had done wrong,

and to express that agreement

in confession to others.

I can only be responsible,

and all of us can only be responsible

for the things we've done

and for the actions that we can take

when we're repenting or forgiving.

And this kind of brings us to forgiveness.

So like repentance,

it's a big deal in the Bible.

I did another word count.

The word forgive,

or it's a variant,

is mentioned 129 times,

so it beats repentance.

But I actually find,

as much as we read about it

and the Gospels are saturated with it,

there's a lot of misunderstanding

about forgiveness.

So I want to lay out

a little bit of how I understand it.

So the first is,

for me, forgiveness is mainly

a transaction.

It's a transaction with God.

It's a choice you make with God.

It has nothing to do

with your feelings of hurt and anger.

Forgiveness is also,

I want to tell you

what I think forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not saying,

it's okay that somebody

did something wrong to you.

It's not saying that

what they said or did doesn't matter,

or that they can do it again.

By definition,

the work of forgiveness

has at its core

an assumption

that something wrong has happened.

It shouldn't have happened.

It was not okay.

Forgiveness ultimately says,

as a prayer to God,

God, I let this person go to you

for you to deal with.

Forgiveness lets go of all claims

and demands to make that person

pay us back for what they did.

Without reservation,

caveat,

or any sort of backdoor.

Like repentance,

God asks us to forgive

without conditions attached.

And like repentance,

forgiveness is something

that happens first

between you and the Lord.

It's something that you

transact with the Lord.

Whether you ever bring up

this wrong with the person

who hurt you.

Let me talk about

some of the inner workings

of unforgiveness.

When someone wrongs us,

our natural God-given reaction

to injustice is provoked.

And frankly, rightly so.

We feel hurt, angry, shocked,

grieved, betrayed, and more.

And in that place of hurt,

our natural reaction to injustice,

what the scriptures call

righteous indignation,

when it's mixed with pride,

can take us off track

and lead us to a sense

of being justified

or entitled to not forgive,

to demand redress

or an apology

or repentance

on the part of the wrongdoer.

It can lead us to think

that we deserve

to have payback

or revenge

because we didn't deserve

what the other person said

or did.

And the only way

to have justice

is to make that other person pay.

It can feel

like something's unbalanced

when somebody

doesn't pay us back.

And without making

that person pay,

it feels like

they get away with something

and that can feel unfair.

Payback can take

a rich and amazing

array of options,

active and passive.

I am frankly

completely versed

in all of them,

I'm sorry to say.

The active path

can be anger,

yelling,

talking badly

about people,

bringing complaints

against the person.

It could include violence.

That's not mine,

thank the Lord.

But it's all out there

and we've all seen it.

The passive path

can be stony silence

and refusing

to speak to someone,

ignoring the other person

when they're in the room,

harboring critical

or negative thoughts

about the wrongdoer

and lots more.

Now there is a place

for complaint

or sanction

and even lawsuit

and justice

in a biblical sense

is making things right.

But if Jesus'

teachings matter,

we need to search

our hearts first

and test our motives

before the Lord first.

Do the hard work

of forgiveness

so that we have

the clarity of heart

and thought,

the clarity of discernment

to know whether

and what form

of complaint

and redress

might be right.

unforgiveness takes

our hurt and anger

and leads us to live

out of pride

and offense,

the ugly cousins

of self-worth

and righteous indignation.

Spiritually,

unforgiveness

is like taking poison

and waiting

for the other person

to die.

What really happens

when we withhold

forgiveness

is that we die inside.

When we hold grudges

and unforgiveness,

we harden our heart.

We close ourselves off

from the life of God.

Unforgiveness blocks

prayer and healing.

It shrinks our capacity

for love

and compassion,

keeps us from seeing

others for who they are.

Jesus' words

at one point

in the Gospels

are about

when he talks

about abiding in him

or that if we don't,

we're like a dried up branch

suitable only for the fire.

This is a plea

from Jesus

not to cut ourselves off

from the life of God.

And what can be said

about unforgiveness

can be said about

refusing to repent.

Unrepentance

also cuts us off

from the life of God.

Jesus' words

in the Gospel reading today

about unforgiveness

are not Jesus

trying to be mean

or harsh.

They're him

trying to warn us

of a spiritual truth

out of kindness.

And I'll say this also

from my time,

my years of praying

with people

who have long

protracted

unforgiveness.

When we cultivate

unforgiveness,

it can turn to bitterness

and hate.

And when we do that,

we don't just cut off

ourselves from the life

of God,

but we make space

in ourselves

and our lives

for the demonic.

We don't talk about

the demonic very much here,

but it's out there

and it's real.

And I don't say this

to spook people

or for any other reason,

but just to underscore

how serious

unrepentance

and unforgiveness is.

So what do we do

with the hurt

and anger

that can drive

unforgiveness?

Because that's real

and it matters

and it needs to be

handled with the Lord.

So I want you to think

of it this way.

Picture your heart

as a bathtub

full of slimy,

gunky water.

That filthy water

is all,

that bathtub

is your heart

and all the filthy water

is the hurt

and anger

because of an offense.

The worse the offense

and hurt,

the more full

the bathtub is.

Forgiveness

is like pulling

that rubber stopper

out of the drain.

It's a choice,

maybe a hard one,

but it's an act

of the will.

And when that stopper

has been pulled out,

the bathtub starts

to slowly drain

of all the filthy water

that sat in that tub

for probably way too long.

This can take time.

It may be necessary

to keep practicing

forgiveness

again and again

to keep that stopper

out,

to keep the drain clear

and keep the stopper out.

And other things

might come along

to plug the drain.

Maybe you learn

something new

about an earlier offense.

it comes to light

and you feel hurt again.

Or the person

who hurt you

keeps hurting you

in new ways.

While forgiveness

is a transaction

where once it's done,

spiritually it's done,

our feelings

take time to change.

We may need

to get with someone

for prayer

to let Jesus

heal our hearts

and scoop out

all the hurt

and anger.

We may need

to get with a therapist

to process

the wrong that happened

in our reactions.

As a practice,

I've found

that my ability

to forgive

depends on my

depth of hurt.

For deeper hurts,

I have to stay

in a posture

of forgiveness longer,

forgiving someone

sometimes over and over again

to keep the drain clear

so the Lord

can heal my heart.

And sometimes

the hurt is so bad

that you have to

take small steps

in your heart

to move towards forgiveness,

letting the Lord

bring you

to a place

of full forgiveness.

forgiveness.

Some ways

of starting

to practice

forgiveness

could sound,

when you're deeply wounded,

can sound like this.

Lord,

I want to want

to be able

to forgive.

I want

to even want

to forgive.

And then maybe

as the Lord

works in your heart,

you can say,

Lord,

I want

to forgive.

And then maybe

as the Lord

keeps working

in your heart,

you can say,

Lord,

I am now willing

to forgive.

And then maybe

you can say,

Lord,

I forgive.

Sometimes

a bit of alternate

language can help.

Some of the language

that I've liked to use

instead of saying,

I forgive,

if that feels too hard,

is,

Lord,

I let this person

go to you.

Because that's really

what it is.

I relinquish this person

and what they did to you

for you to handle,

Lord.

it was never okay.

But I do this

as an act of faith.

So in my life,

I do find

I need to forgive

for specific things

said or done.

I may have a hurtful

interaction with someone

and forgiving that person

in a time of prayer

with the Lord

might mean going over,

say,

five,

I'm making this up,

five things

that someone said

or did

in that interaction

and all the ways

they impacted me,

all the ways

that I felt about it.

I find driving

in D.C.

gives me

so much opportunity

to practice forgiveness.

If you feel

you need to cultivate

this practice

and you want to start

with something

other than trauma,

drive,

take a drive

through D.C.,

all the construction,

all the drivers,

the Lord will meet you

behind the wheel.

Yeah,

amen.

So,

I remember one time,

frankly,

not even one time.

I remember

driving somewhere

and I,

I'll just say how,

I'm gonna,

I literally wrote down

what I prayed

when I was driving.

You'll deduce the situation

as you hear me pray this.

I was driving,

something happened,

my prayer was thus,

Lord,

Lord.

I'm gonna just start

with Lord.

I am not gonna use

other words

at this moment,

Lord.

Lord,

I forgive

that driver

for the way

they did not move over

when my lane was ending,

for the way

they honked at me,

gave me the finger.

Am I allowed

to say that in church?

I'm sorry if I am.

Don't tell Tommy.

The way they acted

like I was the one

who was in the wrong.

I forgive that driver

for having no regard

for my safety

or the well-being

of other drivers

around us

for their selfishness.

Now,

is this self-pitying?

Is this full of me?

Maybe.

But

take the point.

There's always

lots of sides

to something.

In a moment,

I take hurt

and anger

at face value.

If I'm with someone

and praying,

or it's myself,

my brain might say,

you know what,

this is not a big deal.

This might be

an overreaction.

That you might be

taking yourself

a little too seriously.

But there's another

part of me down here

that says,

no,

I'm hurt and angry.

And that's the part

that has to come

before the Lord.

The brain is right.

Yes, yes,

you're right.

It's probably

an overreaction

and you'll calm down

in a bit.

But to keep

my heart clear,

which is what I care about,

I take those things

to the Lord,

whether they are rational

or make sense

or self-indulgent

or not,

and I take them

before the Lord

and I pray this.

And it's actually

good practice

because when the

real hurts come,

I've got some

muscle memory

that I can call on

because there are

other hurts

that are not

too much

or an overreaction.

They're actually

quite serious.

Let me talk

about reconciliation.

So,

I don't have

any biblical stats

about reconciliation,

but I do know

it's important.

Jeff talked

about reconciliation

between God

and people

last week,

but I'm focusing

on reconciliation

between people.

Reconciliation

is a repaired,

broken relationship,

simply put.

And like forgiveness

can follow repentance,

reconciliation

can follow forgiveness,

but we don't live

in such a tidy

and linear world.

So,

I mentioned

that we can repent

and ask someone

for forgiveness,

but repentance

doesn't require

the other person

to forgive you.

And similarly,

forgiveness

does not require

the other person

to repent to you first.

It's possible

most of these things

happen just between

us and the Lord,

but this is different.

In the same way

that someone

may repent

and offer an apology,

maybe we forgive,

it doesn't mean

that there has

to be reconciliation.

That may sound

painful and unbiblical,

but let me explain

a bit more.

The scriptures

call and command us

to repent and forgive,

but we are exhorted

to reconcile

where possible.

Reconciliation

is not possible

when someone

is not repentant,

when there's

unforgiveness.

but also

when it's not safe

to be in a restored

relationship with someone.

I would never,

never ask someone

to be reconciled

with someone

who abused them,

no matter how much

repentance,

forgiveness,

or healing

has happened.

And in some cases,

the person

that we would like

to reconcile with

might not be someone

we're in touch with anymore.

Maybe they moved away,

maybe they've passed away.

And in those instances,

you'll never be able

to apologize to them

or hear their apology,

hear their repentance,

express forgiveness

to them,

and you certainly

can't be reconciled

to them.

Reconciliation

can also just be partial,

meaning partial restoration

of a relationship,

but with boundaries.

This is not unforgiveness.

This is not harboring

hurt and bitterness.

This is just putting yourself

at the right,

healthy distance

or proximity

to someone

while you continue

to work out

your repentance

and forgiveness

as needed

and while the other person

does the same.

It also puts you

in the right proximity

or distance to someone

to give the Lord

time and space

to work out

His salvation

in both of you.

So maybe one day

it is safe and healthy

to be in a more

restored relationship,

but there's no guarantee

and there's no rush

on this

and no imperative.

Reconciliation

is desirable

but not always possible.

It may ever only

just be partial.

So let me see

if I can tie

some of these together.

I want to remind you

that repentance

and forgiveness

are powerful gifts

from the Lord.

They're not things

that God tries

to burden us with.

These are tools

for freedom.

They express His heart

and intention for us.

And I want to urge you

as a pastor,

as a shepherd

who's entrusted

with your spiritual care,

who cares very deeply

that you have a close

and strong connection

to the Lord,

become skilled practitioners

of repentance

and forgiveness.

The more you practice

these things,

the more sensitive

to the Holy Spirit's conviction

you will become,

the more your capacity

will grow

for turning to the Lord

with your hurts

and your wounds

to practice forgiveness.

These are great acts

of faith.

They are primarily acts

that trust the Lord

to work in you

and others

and your situation

according to His love.

It's nerve-wracking,

but that's faith sometimes.

So I want to close our time

by inviting you

into a bit of a guided prayer time.

I want to lead you

through some of these steps

of prayer of forgiveness.

I want to ask you

to be very honest

with yourself and the Lord.

Only take as many steps

as you feel you can take right now.

Give space to talk about things

with the Lord

and let Him lead you

as far as you're willing to go.

Some hurts are deep.

You can't rush past hurts sometimes.

I'm going to pray for us

and then I'm going to invite you

to follow me

in a guided time of prayer.

I will pray a first prayer

where I express

that kind of wanting to want

to forgive.

I will start by asking the Lord

to bring someone to mind

that you may need to forgive.

And then as you sit with the Lord,

with this person in mind,

I'm going to invite you

to take this first step of prayer.

And if you feel comfortable,

do it and kind of sit with the Lord

and see where the Lord takes you.

And as you feel your heart

responding to the Lord,

if you feel ready,

I will take us on a next step closer.

And if you feel ready,

take that next step.

And then I'll draw our time

to a close.

So let me just pray for us.

Lord Jesus,

thank you for these gifts of prayer,

of repentance and forgiveness,

these tools.

So I ask that you

pour your spirit out on us.

Come,

bring to mind someone

who we need to forgive.

I pray you be with us.

Help us bear

any of the sense of hurt

and pain that comes

along with remembering this person

and the wrong they did.

Pray that you would be with us

to help us walk with you

and take as many steps

into forgiveness

as we are able at this time.

So I would ask

that you,

with this person in mind,

and the Lord knows

what the person said or did,

and the Lord fully agrees with you

that this was wrong.

If you feel comfortable,

I want you to tell the Lord,

Lord,

I want

to want

to forgive.

and just kind of

seeing how your heart is

and whether you felt like

you could take that step

with the Lord.

If you can take

a next step,

I want to invite you to say,

Lord,

help me

want to forgive.

and then from this place,

I want to ask you

if you feel willing

to take another step

with the Lord.

I want you to tell the Lord,

Lord,

I am willing to forgive.

And at this point,

be specific.

about

the person

and what they said

or did

to hurt you.

Lord,

I am willing to forgive

so and so,

this person,

for the way

they said

or did

this.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

And then as kind of a last step,

I would invite you

if you feel willing

and able

to tell the Lord,

Lord,

I let this person

and what they did

go to you.

I forgive them

for

and be specific again

and for how

it made me feel,

for how it affected me.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Now,

maybe that you need

to spend some time

in that place of prayer.

I'll come back

to that in a sec.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

of the hurt and anger

and any other feelings you're carrying.

Heal me of the hurt and anger

I have carried in my heart.

Lord, thank you for that.

Amen.

This is not an easy topic

but it's an important topic

and for all of you who took brave steps

towards the Lord and forgiveness

I want to commend you for what you did just now

for the hard inner work you did

to take a few steps forward

to be closer to forgiveness with the Lord.

For whoever it is that hurt you.

And if you want to talk more about

whatever the Lord brought to mind

if you want to pray more

pray through more forgiveness

I'd be glad to listen to you.

I'd be glad to pray with you at some point

if you like.

Please just let me know.

So let me just close our time in prayer.

Lord Jesus

continue this work

to set us free

continue to soften our hearts

to move us to repentance

and forgiveness

by your Spirit.

We thank you.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.