Water Is Thicker Than Blood: Radical Faithfulness in Singleness and Marriage

Well, good morning. It's very good to be with you. We've just had a snowstorm in Houston.

We got two inches of snow. It happens about every four years, and it was gone within 24 hours.

Like George Strait says, here for a good time, not a long time.

But no, I've known of your church for a very long time. I was the planting pastor of the

Church of the Incarnation in 2010, and so we've been living kind of parallel lives in a lot of ways.

And we've been talking about this weekend in this seminar that over the course of centuries,

millennia, from the beginning, Christianity has always acknowledged two paths for being

sexually faithful, two routes for publicly declaring and displaying the faithfulness of God in our lives.

One is celibacy and singleness, and the other is faithfulness in marriage between a man and a woman.

And this is a very broad subject, and it's very personal. And there's massive implications of this

and what it means for us to live as Christians with love in our world today.

Now, I want us to draw our attention to this passage that was read just a few minutes ago

from 1 Corinthians, 1 Corinthians chapter 7, where Paul writes,

1 Corinthians 7 · chapter mention

I wish that all were as I myself am, but each has his own.

And if you write in your Bible, this is the critical word.

Each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Now, what are these gifts of different kinds that he's referring to?

Verse 8, to the unmarried.

He's describing singleness as a gift from God, not an intermediate state,

not a thing that we should see as bad.

It's a calling.

Then down in verse 10, he says, to the married.

So here we have both marriage and singleness described as gifts of different kinds from God

and callings.

And this was just so radical in the first century Greco-Roman world.

This moment when Christianity burst onto the scene, in that environment, for example,

women were considered valuable as long as they were married and had lots of children.

The average lifespan at this time was 24 or 25 years.

As soon as a girl went through puberty, her job was to get married.

She had one decade to produce citizens and soldiers for the state.

So the marriages typically started around 12.

If you were from a very powerful class, you could maybe resist until your late teens.

Infertile women, especially widows or divorced women, were considered less valuable.

And then Christianity comes along and we hear the message that in God's kingdom, that's not the case.

And so suddenly, in the Greco-Roman empire, you find these remarkable single women.

Women who found the kingdom of God to be the source of their identity, not their citizenship in Rome.

And so to remain single and chaste, whether you were male or female, this was a radical act of declaration

that God and his kingdom was the source of your identity.

That God and his kingdom was everything.

So much so that despite the overwhelming statistics, you don't need to get married.

You don't need marriage and children to secure your worth and your place in society and your legacy.

God, not the empire, was the meaning, the source, the location of all meaning in your life.

Service in God's kingdom, God's kingdom of heaven, and not family or country was the measure of a life well lived.

Conversion through Jesus Christ, not salvation through birthing babies, was the way to everlasting life.

Holy virgins were a powerful testament in their bodies to who God is and to what God can do.

This is difficult for us today.

Many of us, especially those of us who grew up in the church, many of us have absorbed the idea

that marriage, and with it sex, represents the fullest life possible.

I frequently hear Christians saying to children, when you grow up and get married, as if that's the goal.

Instead of saying, when you grow up, there are two paths.

Instead of saying, as frequently as if you get married, saying, when you grow up, if you get to be a single.

The deal is sex is good, but sex is not everything.

And sex is not the most important expression of love.

Now, this brings us to marriage.

Let's think for a minute about the radical faithfulness of bearing witness to God through your body, through marriage.

This is another gift.

Three things about marriage that we definitely need to recognize in our society at this moment.

First of all, the Bible teaches that marriage is a gift, a calling, a vocation.

The call to marriage is a particular way of serving God and serving our neighbor.

When I was young, I got married when I was 20 years old.

And when I was 17 years old, or 18 years old, and I began dating the woman who became my wife,

I remember going to my dad one day.

He was in the garage building something.

He had a wood shop in the garage.

And I go in there and I say to dad, dad, I'm in love with you now.

I want to marry her.

How do I know?

And dad said, can you serve God better?

And can you serve this world better if you marry her?

And that was right at it.

That was the key question.

In that moment, he gave me this incredible gift of thinking about marriage in this profoundly Christian way.

We need to remember that the call to marriage is a call to serve God in a particular way.

Now, in Matthew chapter 19, Jesus is teaching about this, and his disciples are like, whoa.

Matthew 19 · chapter mention

It was so bizarre to them.

It was so out of left field.

And Jesus quickly looked at them and said, look, if you can't do this, then don't get married.

This is marriage.

This is what it's for.

Now, part of what this means is that marriage is more than a personal choice.

It's more than personal paradise.

It's a way of fulfilling a call.

It's more than your own personal dream.

It is a public vocation.

It is a public office.

Second, a second thing that comes out of Christianity with regard to marriage that's critical for us today is that the family created by marriage is not the most important relationship a person can have.

We saw this in our gospel.

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right?

Here is Jesus taking a radical step for a first century Jew.

He is redefining family in terms of loyalty to himself.

Now, in a culture in which tithes of blood had become everything, Jesus said there is a set of relationships that are more important and more basic and more fundamental.

They are not based on blood.

They are based on the obedience of faith.

Now, Paul picks up on this and in his letters, he uses this remarkable language about the church.

He calls the church the household of faith.

And he calls other Christians his brothers and his sister.

Where did he get this way of thinking about the church from?

He got it from Jesus.

Now, in the Old Testament, the structure of Israel, it was family-centered.

The family was the most important, the most basic unit of society.

And there were reasons for this.

But in the New Testament, Jesus shifts that.

He's often shooting arrows at this family-centric, this idolatry of the family that had grown up in his culture.

Think about it, when some people come to Jesus and they say, we want to follow you, and he says, hey, you have to love me more than mother, brother, father, sister.

Some people follow him and say, hey, let me first go take care of some family obligations.

And Jesus said, hey, you got to pick.

And what is Jesus doing in all of these moments?

He's deconstructing an idolatry of the family.

Now, this in no way is to jeopardize the fact that God still considers the family very important.

The New Testament is filled with instructions about family life.

And they need to be studied and obeyed.

The New Testament praises marriage and child-rearing as honorable and critical vocations.

But the point that needs to be understood is that the family is no longer the center.

The church is.

The church is the primary school of love.

The place where we learn how best to receive and to give love.

Now, unfortunately, we know that the church has fallen very short of this.

And too often, followers of Christ are not able to experience the true intimacy that we all need within the church.

But this is our charge.

And the church's success in reflecting this, this love and intimacy, makes a world of difference when it comes to talking about two vocations, singleness and marriage.

Both equal.

Now, let's circle back to the vocation of singleness in light of what we've seen about marriage.

Thank you so much.

About marriage and family.

I want to say, if you're single and you're lonely and you're longing for a human relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with your desire.

God isn't capricious.

He doesn't want for you to be lonely.

He doesn't delight in broken hearts.

It's okay to long for human companionship.

But we've been led to believe that a romantic relationship is God's answer to loneliness.

But in the Bible, loneliness is consistently addressed through friendship.

Not marriage.

Think of the many places in the New Testament where intimate fellowship is envisioned.

Like 1 John, chapter 4, verses 7 to 21.

1 John 4:7–21

Or 1 Thessalonians, chapter 2, verses 6 to 8.

1 Thessalonians 2:6–8

Or Paul's famous love poem, 1 Corinthians, chapter 13.

1 Corinthians 13 · chapter mention

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Or Jesus' farewell discourse to his friends in John, chapter 13 through 16.

John 13 · chapter mention

In none of these passages does marriage come up.

We can find real answers to loneliness apart from marriage within the church.

This is hands down one of the most important issues for us to come face to face with as we think about sex and sexuality today,

especially as we think about our gay brothers and sisters.

Here, there's a remarkable gay celibate Christian man by the name of Greg Johnson.

He's a Presbyterian pastor.

And he's written this wonderful book called Still Time to Care.

And the subtitle is What We Can Learn from the Church's Failed Attempt to Cure Homosexuality.

He writes, Alongside shame, the soul-crushing reality of loneliness is the largest challenge faced by many gay people.

And he said the fact is it is a challenge that becomes too often worse when they join the church.

And then he writes this heartbreaking paragraph.

I'm going to read the whole thing.

He says, Imagine what it's like for a teenager in the church who realizes she's gay.

The thought of being alone for an entire lifetime crashes upon her.

Think about older women in your church as it dawns slowly on them over the years that they will probably never marry.

Think of all the pain and the sorrow and despair that might fill the heart of a woman who feels the clock ticking and marriage has not happened.

Think about it.

Think about it.

And then he said, Take the couple in our church who are trying to conceive a child only to realize that every promise ends in failure and every new hope becomes a dead end.

Think of how hard it is for that couple to watch the baptism of a child or a Christmas program or to pass by the nursery at church.

Think of how hard it is for them to come to church on Mother's Day.

Think of the heartache they experience when they attempt genuinely to be happy every time a friend announces they're expecting a baby.

Enter into the pain of realizing God is denying you something for which your body was made.

Now take all of the pain, the woman or man growing older, not getting married.

Take all of that sorrow and heartache and loss which is slowly spread out for them over decades.

take it all

combine it all

and front load it

onto a 16 year old girl

this is earth shattering

this is her reality

in the church

and weep with her

and make sure we have churches

where she can be in friendships

where that becomes known

before it destroys her

now how can we do that

how can we address the beast of loneliness

that so many

LGBTQ people in our church

in our communities

in our families

in leadership

how can we address this beast of loneliness

and here we turn to Jesus

like this song that we sang

we turn to Jesus

and imagine Jesus on the cross

there's his mother

his brothers

Jesus in this moment

takes his best friend

and says here's your mom

and he says to this

to Mary

here's your son

think about this moment

when Jesus is teaching

and his mother and brothers

are wanting a word with him

and somebody comes into the room

and says hey Jesus

your family's outside

and Jesus points at his disciples

and says

here are my mothers

and brothers

for whoever does the will

of the father in heaven

is my brother

and sister

and mother

Jesus redefined family

for his followers

the church

is family

with all of those

obligations

and duties

church as worship service

is not enough

church as worship service

cannot sustain

the vocation

of singleness

we do not need

to get married

in order

to overcome loneliness

I've sat with too many couples

who went into marriage

thinking that was going to happen

our true family

is the church

the good news of the gospel

is that in Christ

Democrats and Republicans

can become family

and the rich and the poor

and strangers

and people

from different

ethnic groups

marriage might even

hinder

our life together

in the church

because it can distract

from the primary goal

of becoming a faithful

disciple of Jesus Christ

we need to be

the kind of churches

where singles

experience this reality

we need to be

the kind of churches

where if you're single

we are a safe

and healthy place

for you

regardless of your orientation

we need to be

the kind of place

where you don't feel

like a second class citizen

where your vocation

your calling

is just as valuable

just as equal

where you are given

honor and dignity

and being a person

who is single

is just as important

as being married

it's just as serious

and just as challenging

and just as rewarding

and beneficial

to this world

and to God's kingdom

and all of us

married people

and single people

we need to raise

the children of our churches

with a deep sense

that God

has a calling for them

and it may be marriage

or they might get

to be single

and we may

may we be the kind

of churches

that no matter

the calling

the children

in our midst

know

that loneliness

will be met

with deep friendship

because when we look

at scripture

we see

that water

is thicker

than blood

that the waters

of baptism

are thicker

than the blood

of relatives

and so for all

believers

single and married

gay and straight

the most fundamental

issue

about our lives

is that

that we live

our lives

faithfully

to God

committing ourselves

to him

and growing

through the Holy Spirit's

work in our lives

to greater Christ-likeness

we do this

in the context

of our daily struggles

becoming better stewards

of our sexuality

trusting God

and growing in faith

recognizing

that we can see

our lives

in the context

of God's sovereign

and redemptive plan

and let's remember

that when it comes

to sex

the will of God

is chastity

for all of us

by chastity

I mean the integrity

the harmony

between flesh

and spirit

that we receive

when by God's grace

we obey

Christian

sexual discipline

this is God's will

for teenagers

for men

and women

who are married

or unmarried

for men

and women

who are attracted

to the opposite sex

or the same sex

we are all given

the hard

and high

and ultimately

infinitely

valuable calling

and challenge

of chastity

chastity means

far more

than controlling

your appetites

if that were the case

then there would be

no need for it

in the new heavens

and the new earth

where we no longer

fill the pool

of these appetites

the call to chastity

means that all of us

gay and straight

single and married

teenager and widow

all of us

are called

to offer

our sexual life

back to God

presenting our bodies

as a living sacrifice

holy

and acceptable

to God

chastity means

being not

conformed

to the world

but being transformed

by the renewal

of our mind

right thinking

leads to right living

being transformed

by the renewal

of our mind

so that we can prove

demonstrate

what the will of God

is

what is good

and acceptable

and perfect

of course

this means discipline

and control

and self-mastery

all of us

must restrain

our sinful

sexual impulses

you do not have

to enter

into a sexual

relationship

you can either

by choice

or necessity

bypass that

and seek to devote

your body

directly to God

as members

of Christ's bride

the church

and if you do

give yourself

sexually

then it must be done

in accord

with the order

God establishes

in creation

as a church

we've got to celebrate

both

marriage

and singleness

we have to

help one another

sustain

celibacy

and chastity

we have to learn

to counsel

and comfort

those who

in either state

find themselves

overwhelmed

with conflicting

and contrary desires

and remember

the hero

of our faith

our champion

our savior

and redeemer

was fully human

and fully God

and he was single

let's pray

Lord Jesus Christ

thank you so much

for your good

scriptures

that you give to us

that are reliable

and trustworthy

thank you for the

comfort

and empowering

presence

of your Holy Spirit

thank you Father

for sending

your own son

to die for us

to make us

your own

in his name

I pray

Amen