Who You Are Determines Your Response When Wounded II: Be Forgiving

And for the rest of us, let's open up our Bibles to Ephesians chapter 4.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

I'm going to read two verses now.

So Ephesians 4, verses 31 and 32.

Ephesians 4:31

This is the Word of God.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God and Christ forgave you.

Hear God's Word.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God and Christ forgave you.

When someone sins against us, it hurts.

We're wounded by it.

We suffer when someone sins against us.

It registers.

And it's not just this outside wound.

It's a wound internally.

An inner man wound.

And as a result, a wound like that can affect relationships.

It can affect the relationship with the one that's wounded me.

And if unattended, it can actually affect relationships with other people as well.

Because an untreated wound to the soul will become infected with bitterness.

Last week, we saw that God holds us each responsible for how we respond when someone sins against us.

We're responsible for that.

We're responsible for our bitterness.

God does not excuse our bitterness.

Out of Ephesians 4, 31 and 32, it's clear that God's Word says we may not be bitter.

We may not be wrathful or sinfully angry or clamorous or slanderous or malicious towards those who sin against us.

We're to put it away.

Do you know why?

That's not who we are anymore.

That's the old self.

That's the former manner of life in Ephesians 4, 22.

That's old self living.

But now, if you're in Christ, God has made you new.

You've been united to Christ in His death and resurrection.

You've been made alive.

You've been forgiven, adopted, liberated, transferred from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of God's beloved Son in whom we have forgiveness.

He has forgiven us all of our sins.

Every one of them.

Forgiven.

It is an amazing thing to consider.

At your conversion, brother and sister in Christ, you underwent a spiritual heart transplant.

God removed your unbelieving heart of stone and He replaced it with a heart of flesh.

A soft heart.

Tender to God.

A believing heart.

And if that's not enough, God Himself indwelt you the moment you believed by the Holy Spirit.

He marked you as His own.

He sealed you.

You belong to Him.

And He lives inside of you now to empower you to live a life that's pleasing to God.

All this to say, Christian, you have been radically changed.

Radically changed.

You're not who you used to be.

The old is gone.

The new has come.

You're a new creation in Christ Jesus.

And this transformation that God has wrought in you by His grace, it's progressively working its way out in how we live our lives.

We are being changed from the inside out.

God is at work in us.

Who you are determines how you live.

Who you are determines how you live.

If you're dead to God, if you're not a Christian and you get wounded, chances are you're going to get bitter.

But if you're alive to God in Christ Jesus and you're wounded, someone sins against you, the call on your life is to forgive.

To forgive the one who sinned against you.

We are to put off the old selfish ways of bitterness.

And we're to put on the new Christ-like ways of being kind and tenderhearted and forgiving those who sin against us.

It is a radical call.

This morning, God is commanding you, brother, you sister in Christ, to be like Christ to those who sin against you.

You're to forgive.

So three moves this morning.

The first move is this.

I just want to give a dose of reality and help you see that sin makes relationships messy.

Wounds complicate relationships.

The second move is the call to Christ-likeness.

That's where we'll spend most of our time in Ephesians 4.32.

To see what God is calling you to as a new creation in Christ Jesus.

And the third move is they're the what-ifs.

Because I know many of you have a lot of questions.

What if?

What if this doesn't happen?

What if this doesn't happen?

What if, what if, what if?

What about this?

Well, I'll try to tackle some.

I have seven of them.

I already know.

I'm going to have to pare it down to like five.

Let's see how much time we have when we get there.

So wounds complicate relationships.

Move number one.

Sin makes messes out of relationships.

I've experienced an interesting phenomenon over the years I've been a pastor.

It goes something like this.

I'm going to use an example of a marriage.

But you can basically put in any kind of relationship.

A married couple comes into my office looking for help.

And as they come in, there's obvious tension.

You can see it in their body language.

It's how they speak to each other or about each other.

There's little warmth.

There's little affection.

There's guardedness.

Even suspicion.

There's a lack of peace right here in front of me.

Sitting in front of me are two people who profess Christ as their king, yet they're wounded and bitter.

They're disunified.

There's a lack of harmony.

There's a lack of peace.

Sin complicates relationships.

Wounds suffered have an effect.

Sin can make a mess.

And so as I'm sitting there across from this couple, I start scrolling through some questions.

I'm wondering some things.

And here's what I'm typically wondering.

Okay, this couple's hurt.

They're wounded.

What's the nature of their wounds?

Are they real wounds?

Are they perceived wounds?

Are they wounds that have been distorted?

What's the extent of the wounds suffered?

Are these pinpricks?

Are they sword thrusts?

What kind of damage are we talking about?

What's been the frequency of these wounds suffered?

Is this a one-time event?

Are these multiple wounds?

What's the duration of the wounds suffered?

Was this one wound ten years ago that has not been dealt with?

Or is this twenty wounds over the last two years?

Or is this one hundred wounds over the last year?

What's the frequency?

For how long the duration?

And then of course, what's been the effect of these wounds suffered?

On a couple, are they now sleeping in different bedrooms?

For these individuals, if there's bitterness in their hearts, how are they coping with it?

Where are they turning?

Who are they looking to?

Are they turning to pornography?

Are they going shopping?

Are they gossiping?

How are they dealing with it?

Are they turning to Jesus?

And of course, it raises the question, if this is a married couple, what about their kids?

If they have kids, you've got to ask the question, what's been the effect of this on their kids?

Because, as you can imagine, sin complicates relationships, doesn't it?

Or maybe you don't have to imagine that.

Maybe you're experiencing that.

How sin wounds complicate things.

Well, the more complicated a relationship is, the longer it's going to take to clear things up.

Right?

Right?

But there's grace for this.

If relationships are strained and they're not being attended to biblically, they'll move from bad to worse.

That infection called bitterness eventually rots things out.

But in order to put away bitterness from a relationship, no matter how entrenched, no matter how complicated,

in order to move to forgiveness and to experience a fullness of peace,

you've got to deal with it.

You've got to face the wounds you've suffered.

You've got to face the wounds you've inflicted.

You cannot ignore them.

But you've actually got to deal with them.

Maybe you're here in this room right now.

And you're saying, Pastor Salvati,

my marriage is beyond repair.

Too much damage done.

There's no going back.

No hope for me.

No hope for my marriage.

Maybe it's not your marriage.

Maybe it's your parenting.

Maybe it's some kind of different relationship.

But you're hopeless.

You're discouraged.

You're overwhelmed.

You're even despairing.

You want out of life.

I want to help you this morning.

If you're there, I'm glad you're here.

Because I want to move you or focus off the problem and onto the solution.

So despairing brother or sister, listen to this.

Do you remember Mark 5?

Your Savior walks into Jairus' house and laying before him is a dead 12-year-old girl.

Do you remember what he does?

He grabs her by the hand and says,

Talithi kumi.

Daughter, arise.

Remember what happens?

She arises.

Luke chapter 7.

Luke 7 · chapter mention

Your Savior comes across a funeral procession in the town of Nain.

A widow is burying her only son.

It would have been heart-wrenching.

What does Jesus do?

He walks up to the casket, touches it, and says to the dead young man,

Young man, I say to you, arise.

And you know what happens?

That young man sits up.

And everybody marvels.

John 11.

Your Savior, Jesus, arrives in Bethany four days after the death of his friend Lazarus.

Lazarus.

And what does he do?

Well, after he does some triage with Lazarus' sisters, he asks them,

Where have you laid him?

He goes to the tomb.

And with a loud voice, Jesus cries out,

Lazarus, come forth!

You remember what happened?

Lazarus came out of the tomb.

Do you know what you would have done if you were there?

You'd have been like, what?

Lazarus has been dead four days.

And then you would have made the connection.

He did it with just words!

Jesus himself, several times throughout the Gospel, says,

Hey, I'm going to be killed, and on the third day, I'm going to be raised from the dead.

Jesus, God in the flesh, was faithful to that.

He was crucified, buried, and on the third day, his disciples go to the tomb,

and they find an empty tomb.

He's been raised from the dead.

He stands victorious over the power of sin,

over the power of death,

and over the power of the devil.

He stands victorious.

And it's just not history.

He's alive now.

If you're despairing,

remember,

your risen king is alive.

Is he overwhelmed by your wounds?

Is he overwhelmed by your bitterness?

By the strain in your relationship?

He may be grieved by that,

but he's not overwhelmed by that.

He's conquered sin, death, and the devil.

He is able to resurrect your marriage.

He has the power.

He has the authority.

And he has the grace to change hearts.

Sin complicates relationships,

but your risen king is not overwhelmed.

He is able to deal with the wounds,

with the sin,

and uncomplicate that which is complicated.

He is able to bring peace

where there is hostility.

That's what he does.

So what do you do?

My heavy-hearted brother.

My despairing sister.

You cry out to your risen king.

And you cry to him,

and you say,

Oh Lord Jesus,

transform me.

Transform this relationship.

Revive it.

Restore it.

Rebuild it.

Now, if you think that Jesus,

the risen Christ,

is going to fix your marriage

or your strained relationship

without first changing you,

you don't really understand

how Jesus works.

Jesus' MO,

His modus operandi,

is to deal with your heart first

in order to fix your relationship.

He wants your heart.

He's going to change you

in order to bring peace

to your marriage

or to whatever relationship it may be.

The question comes to,

how?

How is He going to do that?

We've looked at point one.

Sin complicates relationships.

But Jesus is bigger than that.

Let's move to point number two.

God is calling you to Christ-likeness.

How is God going to change your relationship?

He's going to conform you

to the image of Jesus.

He's going to change you

in order to change the relationship.

He calls you to be like Him.

He's calling you,

we see this in verse 24 of chapter 4,

to put on the new self

created after the likeness of God

and true righteousness and holiness.

Who's the likeness of God?

Jesus.

He's going to make you like Jesus.

Jesus.

If you want to see a strained relationship changed,

seek to be like Christ.

Don't wait for the other person to change.

God is holding you responsible.

God wants to do a work in you.

Now this kind of change

is going to involve three shifts.

Three shifts in how we respond

to someone who wounds us.

We're going to move from being malicious

to being kind.

We're going to move from being hard-hearted

to being tender-hearted.

And we're going to move from being bitter

to being forgiving.

Instead of being malicious,

we need to be kind.

To be malicious

is to want to do harm to someone.

It even shows up in gloating.

I gloat and rejoice

in someone else's harm.

It's usually someone you're bitter towards.

A malicious heart says,

hey, I'm going to make you suffer

for the pain you've inflicted on me.

And you know what?

You're going to pay with pain.

That's malice.

And so bitterness has a malicious edge on it.

So we're to put it away.

Maybe you're sitting in your pew right now

saying,

Pastor Salvani,

I'm not a malicious person.

I don't want to beat anybody up.

I don't want to do anybody harm.

How about your imaginations?

Do you have malicious imaginations?

Three years ago,

I was in a really hard spot.

Someone I dearly, dearly loved

was getting deeply hurt

by someone else.

And I couldn't do anything about it.

I felt so helpless.

I wanted to beat this person up.

And I knew I couldn't

because I'd lose my pastor job.

And so you know what I did?

I started daydreaming about beating this person up.

I did.

I was being malicious.

I was grieving God.

Instead of being malicious

to the one who's wounded us,

we are commanded to be kind.

It's the opposite of wanting to do someone harm.

It's wanting to do someone good.

Where malice is overcoming evil with evil,

kindness is overcoming evil with good.

Malice is a retaliation

with the intent to harm,

to curse.

Kindness is a gracious response

with the intent to bless.

Even those who wound us.

In God's loving kindness,

He sought us

even when we were rebelling against Him.

He sought to do us good

even when we were opposed to Him.

He sought to reconcile us.

Our God is incredibly kind.

Now you may be wondering,

how do I make this shift

from being malicious to being kind?

How does that happen?

It's not rocket science.

You look to Jesus.

The personification of kindness.

Remember that you were united to Christ

in His death and resurrection.

You've got to remember that.

And don't be surprised

when you see in you malice.

Don't be surprised by that.

Don't be surprised when someone wounds you

and you want to retaliate with harm.

Don't be surprised by that.

Though we have been forgiven of our sin,

sin's penalty, right?

Sin's presence remains.

When Jesus comes back,

that'll be gone too.

So we live in a time

where we're going to be tempted.

So what do you do when you see it?

You call it what God calls it.

You call malice sin.

This is wrong.

This is not loving.

This is not pleasing to you, God.

And then you nail it to the cross.

It goes something like this.

God, you have united me

with Christ in His death and resurrection.

And so this malice in me

has been united with Christ in His death.

Done!

This is not who I am anymore.

It's been forgiven in full.

Done!

Done!

But I don't stop there

and neither should you.

Because not only are you united

with Christ in His death,

but also in His resurrection.

And so in the same breath,

you say,

Oh God, put this malice away from me

and in its place,

would you make me kind to this person?

Would you help me to do this person good?

Oh God, how can I do good to this person?

And then when you see it,

you do it by faith.

You do good.

Is this kind of radical?

Yeah.

This has everything to do with Jesus.

Following Him.

Instead of being malicious to those who wound us,

we must be Christ-like

in our kindness to them.

But you may be saying,

What about?

We'll get to that in a little bit.

So we move from being malice to being kind.

The second thing I want you to see in verse 40 and 32 is,

we are to be tender-hearted.

We're to move from being hard-hearted

to being tender-hearted.

Again, what we're talking about

is your posture of heart

to the one who's wounded you.

A hardened heart is a calloused heart.

What happens over time

when you are repeatedly sinned against

is this.

You kind of grin and bear it.

You know what I mean?

It's like...

And over time,

you become hardened to that person

who's been sinning against you.

Anybody relate with that?

Yeah.

Amen.

Over time,

you see it showing up like this.

You're unresponsive to that person.

You're uncaring of that person.

Unavailable to that person.

Untrusting of that person.

You're unfeeling to them.

You're guarded.

You're closed.

You're suspicious.

And you're distant.

Those are symptoms of a calloused heart.

But you know what your Bible has to say

about calloused hearts?

Your Bible doesn't talk about

calloused heart as a good thing.

Jesus isn't seeking to produce in you

a hard heart.

He's not.

In fact, in Ephesians 4.18,

a hard heart is what characterizes

a non-Christian.

We're not to have hard hearts.

We're not to have calloused hearts.

And so if you detect in you

a calloused heart towards someone else,

you've got to put it away.

You've got to confess it.

You've got to put it away.

And in its place,

be tender-hearted.

A tender heart

is an open heart to someone.

A tender heart is available.

A tender heart is vulnerable.

Trusting.

Willing to trust.

Welcoming of the person.

A tender heart is responsive.

A tender heart is feeling.

Where a hard heart is callous,

a tender heart is compassionate.

That's actually the word underneath.

Tender hearted.

We're not to be hard hearted to one another.

But we're to be tender hearted.

Now when meeting with people

in strained relationships,

I have found this tender hearted category

extremely helpful as a diagnostic.

You're like,

what's a diagnostic?

A diagnostic is basically

a tool to measure something.

A tool to assess something.

So let's just say

I'm sitting down

with some common grounds.

We're having coffee.

I'm talking to this person.

This person,

it becomes obvious

that they've got something

towards someone else.

I'll ask a question like,

brother,

is your heart tender

towards this person?

Do you have a soft heart towards them?

There's the diagnostic.

And they say,

no.

And then I say,

well what must change in you

so that you can be tender hearted

towards that person?

And you know,

what usually I get back is this.

Well,

they've got to ask me for forgiveness.

They've got to pony up.

And then I say,

well if they don't,

what happens?

What happens to you?

You see,

what's needed there

is a change of perspective.

We need to pull up

to a higher altitude.

And what this person needs

is this.

They need to see

this person who's wounded them

as God sees that person.

And as they see

this person

through God's lens,

it's going to soften their heart.

I've experienced it.

Is this person

who's sinned against you

a non-Christian?

Yes.

Are they under God's wrath?

Yes,

and I'm glad.

Really?

Seriously?

Seriously?

You want them

under God's wrath

for eternity?

It tenderizes

your heart

towards somebody.

We don't want that

for anybody.

We want them

to hear about Jesus

so they don't have

to face the wrath

to come.

Is this person

a Christian?

Yes,

they're a Christian.

How about this perspective?

This person

who's wounded you,

they've been bought

by the blood of Jesus.

They belong to Christ.

They're your brother

and sister in Christ.

Let that soften

your heart

towards them.

When you see a person

more and more

as God sees them,

it's going to change

your perspective

which is going

to soften your heart.

God's word

having an effect

on you.

Another way

to approach this

is to call on Jesus

to soften your heart.

Ask Jesus

to give you

his heart

for this person.

Remember Matthew 9?

Shows up again

in Mark 5.

Jesus sees crowds

of people

that are harassed

and helpless

like sheep

without a shepherd

and he has compassion

on them.

He's moved.

When we move

from being

hard-hearted

to being

Christ-hearted

towards someone,

there's going to be

a shift

in our hearts

from hardness

to tenderness.

You see it?

Do you see it?

Do you have a hard heart

towards somebody?

Ask God

to do a work

in you

to see them

as God sees them.

Last shift.

Instead of being bitter,

we must be forgiving.

Be kind to one another,

tender-hearted,

forgiving one another

as God in Christ

forgave you.

Brother and sister in Christ,

God is commanding you

this morning

to be like Christ

and forgive the one

who sinned against you.

Again,

this is a posture

of our hearts

towards the person

who sinned against us.

Bitterness

is resentment

for being wounded

and hurt.

It's an infection

of a wounded soul.

And so essentially,

bitterness

is holding a debt

over someone else's head.

It's a grudge.

And 1 Corinthians 13 says,

we're not to do that.

It's not loving.

But bitterness says this,

you are in debt to me

for the pain

you caused me

and I'm not letting it go

until someone pays.

You.

You.

Have you noticed

that bitter people

either pack or whack?

If you're bitter,

you'll probably either pack it

and eventually blow up

or you don't wait

to pack it down.

You just whack.

You just whack somebody.

You're bitter

and you react to people.

I've been around people like that.

You either stuff it

or you rebuff it.

There's another option.

It's the way of Jesus.

He's calling us

not to be bitter,

not to pack,

not to whack,

to forgive.

Notice that the Apostle Paul

grounds this command

to be forgiving of one another

in God's forgiveness of us.

You see it?

Forgive one another

as God in Christ forgave you.

We must forgive

because God has forgiven us.

It's a command.

It's not an option.

God's forgiving us

in Christ

is the basis

by which we forgive

other people.

Another way to say it is this.

This is where we forgive from.

This is the well

which we draw from

to forgive others.

It's never ending.

Never ending.

This reason that Paul gives

as God in Christ forgave you,

forgiving one another

as God in Christ forgave you,

this is a major shift

in perspective.

This is apostolic genius

at its best.

It's particularly effective

for those

who are bitter

and unforgiving right now.

What Paul is saying is this.

Changing a perspective.

He says,

forgive one another

as God in Christ forgave you.

Don't forget,

you were in dire need

of forgiveness

yourself.

You had sinned greatly

against God

and God by His grace

forgave you

all of your sin.

He's actually kind of

making a comparison.

Your sin against God

is far greater

than any sin

against you.

He's reminding us

of the scale

of our debt.

He's putting things

in perspective.

Our sin against God

is greater

than those

who sin against us.

And God in His grace

forgave it all.

Forgave it all.

You know what this means?

We have no grounds,

no grounds

to hold back forgiveness

from someone else.

We have no grounds

for that.

Not in light of what

God has done for us.

Quite the contrary.

We are to forgive.

We owed a huge debt

and Jesus paid it all.

This is the point

of the parable

of the unforgiving servant

in Matthew 18.

Jesus is teaching

of forgiveness.

And He says,

there's this king

who wants to settle

accounts with his servants.

And there's one servant

who couldn't pay.

He owed 10,000 talents.

I did the math this week.

It's like $9 billion.

Seriously.

$9 billion.

That's what he owed

and he couldn't pay.

Jesus is making a point.

The servant can't pay.

The king is about

to exact justice

and throw this guy

into jail.

The servant pleads

for mercy.

Amazingly,

the king says,

hey, I'll forgive you.

I have pity on you.

I'll forgive you.

All of it.

All $9 billion.

Done.

I'll bear it.

Done.

And then you know

what the servant does?

He walks out

of the king's presence.

He's like,

where is that guy?

He owes me money.

He grabs another servant

by the neck

and says,

you pay me

what you owe me.

You know how much he owed?

17 grand.

That's how much he owed.

We would say,

17 grand?

I could do a lot

with 17 grand.

Compared to $9 billion,

though?

It's nothing.

It's nothing.

Seems as though

our servant

forgot about

what he was just

forgiven of.

The fellow servant

pleads

for mercy.

And this servant

who was just

forgiven $9 billion

has no mercy.

Throws him in prison

until the debt

is paid.

Well,

word gets back

to the king.

The servant

is summoned.

The king says,

you wicked servant,

I forgave you

all that debt

and should not

you have had

mercy on your

fellow servant

as I had

mercy on you.

He gets thrown

in jail.

Jesus wraps up

by saying this,

so my heavenly

father

will do also

to you

if you don't

forgive

from the heart.

What's the point?

What's the point

that Jesus is making

and why are we

talking about this

regarding Ephesians

4.32?

We forgive

out of God's

forgiving of us.

We forgive

out of God's

great forgiveness

of us.

We forgive

little sins,

people sin against us

because God

has forgiven us

the great sins

with which we've

sinned against Him.

When you remember

the astronomical

debt God

forgave you of,

you will gladly

forgive the

comparatively

small debts

other people

owe you.

When you remember

that all that

God in Christ

Jesus has

forgiven you of,

it moves you

from being bitter

to being forgiving

even wanting

to forgive.

My God

did this for me?

It's easy

to do to you.

I am rarely

sinned against

to be honest with you.

I do more sinning

against people

than people

sin against me

so I'm usually

the one asking

for forgiveness

but on occasion

people will sin

against me

and they'll ask

me to forgive them

and I have this

opportunity to say

this,

it is my joy

to forgive you

because God

in Christ

has forgiven me

so much more.

It's my joy.

Yes, I forgive you.

When you remember

all that God

in Christ

has forgiven you

of,

it moves you

from being bitter

to being forgiven.

Are you bitter?

Are you saying

He's got to pay?

Remember what

Jesus did for you.

He paid the price

for all your sins

so that you could

be forgiven

before God.

He paid it

with His life.

Bitterness is

saying,

hey,

you caused me pain,

I'm going to

pay you back

and I'm not

letting it go

until someone pays

and you're going

to pay.

Forgiveness says this,

you've caused me pain,

it was very hurtful

and someone's got to pay

and I'm going

to pay it.

I'm going to

bear it.

Just as God

in Christ

bore my sin.

It gets to a point

that we can say

things like this,

that wound

that caused me pain,

I'm not going to

hold that over you

anymore

because God

in Christ

no longer

holds my sin

over me.

so in light

of God's

great forgiveness

of us,

when we're

sinned against,

we gladly

bear the cost

of the debt

of the wound.

This is how

God moves us

from bitterness

to forgiveness.

This is how

God moves us

from hard-heartedness

to soft,

tender hearts.

It's how God

moves us

from being malicious

to being kind.

Just notice

that all pivots

on Jesus.

It all pivots

on what He's

done for us

in Christ.

I'm out of time.

If you want to

talk about

some of the

what-ifs,

I'll be sticking

around here

afterwards,

love to talk

to you about it.

Let me pray for us.

We call them

Lord.

God in heaven,

thank you so much

for your word

and I pray

that Father

that you would

do a work

in us

that you would

remind us

of the extent

to which you've

forgiven us

and out of that

fullness of forgiveness

we would

glad-heartedly

forgive those

who've sinned

against us.

God,

there's much wisdom

that needs to be

exercised here

but God,

we trust that

this is your word

and that this is

what you're calling

us to.

We commit it to you

in the name of Jesus.

Amen.

And amen.